0:00:01 > 0:00:05Ladies and gentlemen, It's Kevin.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07JAUNTY TUBA MUSIC
0:00:07 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language
0:00:11 > 0:00:12# Oh, welcome to the show
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# This week we're starting loose and free
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# We've decided to dispense with any continuity
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Now my face is hairless # And now I've got a beard
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# And in the next shot that you see me, look,
0:00:23 > 0:00:24# The beard has disappeared
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# And now this man who's singing isn't actually me
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# I think his name is Francis and he comes from Tewkesbury
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:35 > 0:00:37# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:37 > 0:00:38# And that's the title
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:45 > 0:00:47# Onwards with the show and continuity is back
0:00:47 > 0:00:51# But just to keep it interesting, I'm standing in a sack. #
0:00:51 > 0:00:56DEEP BREATHING
0:01:00 > 0:01:03# Actually I'm not sure if that's interesting at all
0:01:03 > 0:01:07# So watch me while I run this way headlong into a wall, go!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16# Argh! Oh, it's the Affin Affon Sha
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# It's the Aflinn Eogha Eflan Show
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# As the taflagg...
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- PUNKIER:- # Ah, it's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:01:23 > 0:01:26# It's the... (Kevin, Kevin, Kevin)
0:01:26 > 0:01:27# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:27 > 0:01:29# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# Kevin Eldon
0:01:33 > 0:01:38# Shoo-o-o-o-o-o-ow. #
0:01:45 > 0:01:46KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54What appears to be the trouble?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I think I might be suffering from depression.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59It just flew into the studio.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Looks like it might be a rare red-tailed hedgehopper,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04known for its highly unusual cry...
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I'll see if I can get it to make a noise.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09..which some say sounds like a human voice.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- VOICE IN BOX:- 'Ere, stop shaking the box about, you prick!
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Yeah, it does sound quite human, doesn't it?
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Look, stop it or I'm going to peck my way out of here and crap in your eye!
0:02:19 > 0:02:20It's lovely.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Makes you think of summer fields.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Arrgh! I warned you!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28OK, I'm just going to pop outside and let it go.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31You are dead mate, dead! What are you looking at?
0:02:31 > 0:02:32I'm going to cut you!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Oh, it's hauntingly beautiful.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39NONSENSE FRENCH LYRICS OVER POPPY GUITAR CHORDS
0:02:53 > 0:02:58DRAMATIC GAMESHOW MUSIC
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Can we have mobiles off, please?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- VOICE BEHIND CAMERA: Sorry! - Thank you.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07Now, you hear a lot of people saying "Ooh, I'd love to be a king".
0:03:07 > 0:03:09CROWD: Ooh I'd love to be a king!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13But it's not easy being a king. Just ask Prince Charles.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15KLAXON BLARES
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I mean, personally, I'd hate to be a king.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24For a start, you'd have to be nice to people you knew for a fact were scum.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26You'd stink of velvet. You'd probably have syphilis.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29All you'd get to eat would be gossamer omelettes.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Republicans would say "Your Majesty" to you all sarcastically.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Cardinals would be outside your bedroom door whispering all night.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37There'd be a man in charge of cleaning your bottom
0:03:37 > 0:03:41and all the pictures of you on stamps wouldn't have any irises.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Basically, you'd be so spoilt, you wouldn't be happy. Not really.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48And what about all the bowing and the scraping, eh?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51That's a mixed blessing. How can I put it?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53ORNATE HARPSICHORD RIFF
0:03:53 > 0:03:56# Some people dream of monarchy
0:03:56 > 0:04:00# The very thought of royalty just fills their hearts with joy and glee
0:04:00 > 0:04:02# They'd like to be a king
0:04:02 > 0:04:04# Oh, yes, we yearn to wear a crown,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07# Some silkened pants and an ermine gown
0:04:07 > 0:04:11# Oh, being common gets us down, we'd love to be a king
0:04:11 > 0:04:15# But do you think from misery you'd really be escaping?
0:04:15 > 0:04:20# The bowing would be very ni-i-i-i-ice
0:04:20 > 0:04:21# But what about the scraping?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35# The bowing would be very ni-i-i-i...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38# ..i-i-i-i-ce. #
0:04:39 > 0:04:41But what about the scraping?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46You've got to admit, though, haven't you?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Kings, they haven't exactly got a brilliant track record.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Henry VIII, for example. Destroyer of Monasteries.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Big man, but he was out of shape.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Hardly a candidate for spouse or partner of the millennium was he?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Thanks, Alison.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02FERAL SCREAMING
0:05:03 > 0:05:04KNOCKING
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Come in.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Morning, Anne.- Sire.- Anne.- Sire.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10- Catherine.- Sire.- Catherine.- Sire.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Catherine.- Sire.- Jane. - (MAN'S VOICE)- Sire.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Now, listen. I'm fed up with this six wives business,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17it's giving me the hump. So I'm going to execute two of you,
0:05:17 > 0:05:21divorce another two, one of you can die of natural causes and the other can survive my death.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I'm not bothered what happens to who. Sort it out yourselves. Ta-ta.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29ARGUING
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Even some of the lesser-known crowned heads
0:05:31 > 0:05:34made a far from positive impact on British history.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37- Thanks very much, Alison. - FERAL SCREAM
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Take King Leonard.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42In a reign lasting only five days he managed to ban crackling,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45upset his tailor and had the population of Wales put to death,
0:05:45 > 0:05:48by the population of Scotland.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51On the plus side, he did legalise speed dating.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53But generally, kings,
0:05:53 > 0:05:57they can take their crowns and shove them right up their...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Near.- Far!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- Near.- Far!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Equidistant.- Equidistant.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17- Equidistant.- Equidistant.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25- Far!- Near.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Far!- Near.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Oh, there's a really great bit coming up near the end of the show.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Let's have a quick look.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44No, not that bit. Hang on.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46No, not that bit.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Um, er...
0:06:52 > 0:06:53Not that bit.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Not that bit.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Ooh, that bit. There you go.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Look at him, look at him. Look at him, look at him.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09Look at him, look at him. Look at him, look at him.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'm really looking forward to that bit.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Now then, my name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I am a fictional man from the North of England,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29a fantastical construct of some southern bastard's diseased mind.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33T'other day I were down Griddle Wallop Arms having a pint of Southern Tussock
0:07:33 > 0:07:35with Harry Peasbury. You know Harry, with the face.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38The one the walks along, that sits down, that eats food.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39The one that murdered Colonel Gaddafi.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Suddenly I noticed that all me adverbs
0:07:41 > 0:07:46that I were using in conversation were physically manifesting themselves into trapeziums.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Is it trapeziums or trapezia? I don't care!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I were that embarrassed, I didn't know where to hide me face.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56I tried the Breville toaster but they found it in three minutes, flat.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Thank you! Oh, Gerry the landlord, he were killing himself laughing.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01He said "I'm sorry Stanley, I can see you're embarrassed."
0:08:01 > 0:08:04He said, "It's just that Tony Bits were in here last Wednesday
0:08:04 > 0:08:07"and his adjectives were nicking peoples pork scratchings",
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"Whatever next? Arthur Beakstone's indefinite articles
0:08:10 > 0:08:13"opening a nail shop in the High Street?" I had to laugh.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18I had to, I had to, I had to, I had to - hoo - kill me, I had to, hee,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I had to - her - I had to - har - I had to - huay,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I had to haaa...
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I'm on this special diet at the moment.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37All I'm allowed to eat of an evening is one loaf of bread
0:08:37 > 0:08:40and one measly leg of lamb.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Pathetic! Oh well.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50And you join us here live for the finals
0:08:50 > 0:08:52of the Outraged '70s Sitcom Vicar Playoff.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54On the left here, Colin Snodgrass,
0:08:54 > 0:08:58at 42, a comparatively young '70s sitcom vicar.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01And fast gaining the reputation of being thoroughly outraged
0:09:01 > 0:09:03at the slightest lapse in moral propriety.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07On the right, Desmond Winkleberry, 64 years old,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10yet showing no signs of gaining any tolerance at all of anything
0:09:10 > 0:09:12outside the narrow confines
0:09:12 > 0:09:14of accepted 19th century Christian convention.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17And now pouring the first tea of the competition,
0:09:17 > 0:09:22here's tonight's official, Mrs Valerie Bainbridge of Weybridge.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25A veteran of many occasions such as these.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27And as she takes her place at the curtains,
0:09:27 > 0:09:29final prayers have been said and...
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- BELL RINGS - ..there goes the bell.
0:09:33 > 0:09:38And the first cups of the evening are raised to the lips.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39A sip is taken.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Very tense.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Oh, that's quite a challenging opening salvo.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53That's really rattled them. The word bum there,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56a vulgar term for the buttocks or glutinous maximus.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Let's have a look at the replay and as to who had the edge,
0:09:59 > 0:10:04it's hard to call. Lets see how they scored on the indignometer.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07That's a dead heat. Both men of the cloth scandalised.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11And that's three points apiece. Well, what an exciting start.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Both men fairly evenly matched, although Winkleberry,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17a finalist for two years running, a favourite by an edge.
0:10:17 > 0:10:24There's the bell. And let's see what is next behind the curtain.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25They take their sips.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28And here we go.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35And I must say, at first glance there doesn't seem to be anything
0:10:35 > 0:10:37here to cause consternation.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Oh, wait a minute! And, yes, they've seen it. There it is.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44There are no wedding rings on this young couple's fingers
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and that means their child was born out of wedlock.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51And I must say that really has rattled their vicarial cages.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55The institution of marriage, so important to these guys.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Here's the replay, look.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01And yes, Snodgrass just registering his disapproval
0:11:01 > 0:11:03of the bastard issue of an unblessed union
0:11:03 > 0:11:05a split second before his opponent.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Here's the indignometer
0:11:07 > 0:11:08And both at Outraged.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12But that very slightly earlier demonstration of disapprobation from
0:11:12 > 0:11:17Snodgrass just edging the younger parish leader ahead by half a point.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Winkleberry 7, Snodgrass 7 and a half.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22So, thrills and spills in tonight's electrifying
0:11:22 > 0:11:25standoff between these two dog-collared titans.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Join us for the decisive final round after the break.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Waaa! Bucket of Water Warehouse!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34We've got buckets of water stacked to the rafters!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Thousands of bucket of waters, like this bucket of water!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Only 1.99! And this bucket of water, only 3.99!
0:11:41 > 0:11:45And these end of line bucket of waters only 10.99 for four!
0:11:45 > 0:11:49While stocks last, but hurry! Everything must go!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Including Bucket of Water Warehouse, which is on a hill and has wheels on each corner!
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Bucket of Water Warehouse!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57If it's buckets of water you're after, we're your warehouse!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Waaaa!
0:12:00 > 0:12:05And a warm welcome back to the Outraged '70s Sitcom Vicars Playoff Final.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Well, this is edge of the pew stuff all right.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10And right now I wouldn't like to lay a bet either way.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12And if I did I'd do it very surreptitiously.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Both these chaps very down on gambling. There's the bell.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19In this exciting finals of the Outraged '70s Sitcom Vicar Playoff.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22And the last sip.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27And, well, this is quite unusual.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Can't see anything morally untoward here at all.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Quite the opposite in fact.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Goodness gracious me! Well, we weren't expecting that!
0:12:38 > 0:12:42And this has sent the two '70s vicars into outrage overdrive.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Oh, look at this!
0:12:44 > 0:12:51Have you ever seen tea spat in such a forceful manner?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54And they really don't know what to do with themselves.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57And Snodgrass particularly
0:12:57 > 0:12:59seems to... Oh, my goodness me!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02He's stood up and his trousers have fallen down!
0:13:02 > 0:13:03I don't believe it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Snodgrass' trousers have fallen down and look at this,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09look at this, oh, somebody pinch me!
0:13:09 > 0:13:14He's looking faint! And he's fainted!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Straight into a Victoria sponge!
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Goodness gracious! Let's have a look at the replay.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22And look at the pressure!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24The sheer force behind both of those tea spurts.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26But look here, you can see Snodgrass,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28he's finished his tea spurt.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30He's up and then down come the trousers
0:13:30 > 0:13:34and have you seen anybody look so appalled?!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Just when you think that's enough,
0:13:36 > 0:13:40this happens, straight into a fresh Victoria sponge.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Winkleberry knows the game is over for him.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47And so now a final look at the Indignometer,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51and, goodness me, Winkleberry has top marks
0:13:51 > 0:13:53but Snodgrass is off the scale.
0:13:53 > 0:13:58And so the winner of this year's 1970s Sitcom Vicar Playoff,
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Colin Snodgrass!
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Well, that hardly touched the sides!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Here, it says in this book
0:14:06 > 0:14:09that it's better to get shot by a firing squad at dawn than dusk.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12But is that just an old wives' tale?
0:14:12 > 0:14:17Well, George here was shot by a firing squad at dawn
0:14:17 > 0:14:22and Richard here was shot by a firing squad at dusk.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Doesn't seem to make much difference, does it?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26What do you say to that, old wives?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Bollocks!
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Thanks, old wives. Thanks, guys.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Ladies and gentlemen, your respect please for Mr Crab Marley.
0:14:36 > 0:14:41- ROOTS REGGAE MUSIC - This crustacean! Across the nation!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43With specification!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46# I am a crab in a tank
0:14:46 > 0:14:49# I am a crab in a tank
0:14:49 > 0:14:53# I'm not a cab in a rank. # No way!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57# I am a crab in a tank
0:14:57 > 0:15:00# I am a crab in a tank. # I won't be dressed!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03# I am a crab in a tank
0:15:03 > 0:15:06# I'm not a kebab in a bank. #
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Ow! # I am a crab in a tank
0:15:10 > 0:15:12# And my mind is sweet
0:15:12 > 0:15:14# Cos I smoke a little seaweed. #
0:15:14 > 0:15:15- ECHOING:- Waa-waa-waa-waa!
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Cold.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Cold.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Warm.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Warmer!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Hot!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Boiling! Boiling!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Cold.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Warm.
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Cold.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- You got any rubbish?- No.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Well, you can have this then. - Oh, thanks, Bob!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- So, how are you? - Oh, very well, thanks, Kevin.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Glad to hear it. - Well, I say very well,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08you wouldn't know it, I've actually got ingrowing legs.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Ingrowing legs?- Ingrowing legs.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15The problem started while I was working as a buffet guard.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17On a train.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18No.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Oh.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- 'I guarded buffets.- Oh, right.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26'Three years training.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28'Not everyone makes it through, but I stuck with it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30'I dealt with it all in my time.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35'Everything from the threat of contamination of trifles
0:16:35 > 0:16:36- 'by pickled onions.- Ooh.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40'To simple plate overloading.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43'You'd be amazed at what some people would try and get away with.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45'So, were you good at it then?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48'I was a natural. Buffet Bob they called me.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- 'Why did they call you that?- Oh, that would take too long to explain.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56'It's a bit of an in-joke. Anyway, I couldn't do it forever.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00'Dealing with bridesmaids who'd taken all the crudites.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02'Well, it's a young man's game.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05'There's more to you than meets the eye, isn't there, Bob?
0:17:05 > 0:17:11Oh, yes, Kevin. I am a mysterious man, with hidden depths.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Right, I'd better crack on. Your toilet's blocked again!
0:17:36 > 0:17:40MOUTHING GUNFIRE
0:17:40 > 0:17:43MOUTHING SCREAMING AND EXPLOSIONS
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Big!- Small.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Big!- Small.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Same.- Same.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03- Same.- Same.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Small.- Big!
0:18:09 > 0:18:10- Small.- Big!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Lets meet somebody who's written a book about music hall.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28And it's a young man by the name of Mark Woods.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Hello, Mark, how old are you?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- I'm 37.- 37? Wow!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36And you've got a family connection to music hall, haven't you?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Yes, I do. My great grandfather, Al Woods,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43was one half of the comedy duo Whitstable Al and Adaptable Hal.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Do you want some juice?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- No.- OK.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51And now we've got a fantastic clip of your great-grandfather
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- and his comedy partner from 1929, haven't we?- Yes, we do.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Shall we have a look?- OK.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Do you want another cushion so you're sitting a bit higher?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- I'm fine.- OK.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- But wait a minute, Al. - What's that, Hal?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I have a leg where me arm should be and an arm where me leg should be.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Tell you what, how about...
0:19:23 > 0:19:24..I take this over there...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32..and take this off here...
0:19:37 > 0:19:39..then put this on here...
0:19:43 > 0:19:44..and this on here?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Now, what do you reckon to that?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Yes, I am, I really do.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56You want to do what now?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- I really do feel... - Really do feel what now?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I really do feel like me old self again.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:06 > 0:20:09JAUNTY MUSIC
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Whitstable Al and Adaptable Hal there.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Now you mention lots of different acts in your book?
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Yeah.- Don't say "Yeah". It's yes.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Yes.
0:20:30 > 0:20:35There were some wonderfully original performers out there.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36'There was Hobson and Pugh.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38'Now, we've got a clip of them.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41'They would shoot each other in the stomach with rifles.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43'Are you warm enough?
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- 'Yeah.- Yes.- Yes! Really.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50'There was Brawny Betty.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54'She could pick herself up by her own hair.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55'Amazing.'
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Just a few of the characters featured in this,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00'The Golden Years Of Music Hall' by Mark Woods.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Available is what book shops there are still left. Well done, Mark.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07You all right?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Where's my mother?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12It's all right, she's just over there.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Mrs Woods, could you...?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- Is he all right? - I think he's just tired.
0:21:34 > 0:21:40Hi, my name is Paul Hamilton and I am a poet.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Poetry on TV. It's like a bishop on crack.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Do you drive a car? You do. Well, shame on you.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Roadside, roadside genocide.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Roadside Genocide is the title of this week's poem.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Hey. What's black and white and red all over?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02A magpie that's been hit by a Rover.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05And that's not funny, it's a bird all runny.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07And what about the others all now gone?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09The list goes on and on and on
0:22:09 > 0:22:12and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14A rook with both its eyes washed out.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16An owl with entrails strewn about.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20What once was a mouse is now a stain and, ooh, what's that? It's a puppy dog's brain.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22A rabbit in the habit of being alive.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Yeah, until it got hit by a Mazda 5.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27And on and on and on and on and on and on, but wait.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30What's that up in the road ahead?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32A car crash and the driver's dead.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34And by the road stands an orphaned vole,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37and he laughs and he shouts from the depths of his soul.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41"Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha, death to the driver, death to the car."
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Roadside, roadside genocide. Roadside genocide.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Drive care-ful-ly.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04LOW-PITCHED LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Ah, there you go. Another show's just flown by.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Lets see what's coming up next week.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I'll be demonstrating that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Yeah, buy. No, sell. Sell. Sell.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13No, yeah, sell. Sell.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20It's the semi finals of the Zulu Darts Championships.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22DISTANT BATTLE CHANTING
0:24:22 > 0:24:25And I'll be asking international peace envoy Tony Blair
0:24:25 > 0:24:27some probing questions.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32POPPING SOUND
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Care for some pop?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39# I fell in love with a pretty little girl
0:24:39 > 0:24:41# And she makes me feel so fine
0:24:41 > 0:24:44# All the other guys fell in love with her too
0:24:44 > 0:24:47# But I know that girl is mine
0:24:47 > 0:24:49# Now I'm jumping up and down. #
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Jump!- # I'm jumping up and down. #
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Jump!- # I'm jump, jump, jump
0:24:55 > 0:24:57# Yes, I'm jumping up and down. #
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Here we go!
0:25:02 > 0:25:03Jump!
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Jump!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10# I killed the other guys with me own bare hands
0:25:10 > 0:25:13# And I made sure she could see
0:25:13 > 0:25:16# Then I ate their brains and now she knows
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# I'm superior genetically
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# Now I'm jumping up and down. #
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Jump!- # Jumping up and down. #
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Jump!- # Jump, jump, jump
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# Yes, I'm jump, jump, jump
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- # Jumping up and down. #- Jump!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36NONSENSE FRENCH LYRICS OVER POPPY GUITAR CHORDS
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Quoi?
0:25:42 > 0:25:45WASHING MACHINE BEGINS CYCLE
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd