0:00:02 > 0:00:04Ladies and gentlemen - It's Kevin.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10HORSE NEIGHS
0:00:10 > 0:00:11HE TUNES GUITAR
0:00:13 > 0:00:14CHURCH BELL RINGS
0:00:17 > 0:00:19GUITAR INTRO - COUNTRY MUSIC
0:00:25 > 0:00:28# Well, welcome to my show It sure is good to see you folks
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# We've got ourselves some comedy with crazy skits and jokes
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# We've got some songs to make ya laugh and some to make ya cry
0:00:35 > 0:00:38# So help yourself to grits and corn, there's plenty pecan pie
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# I want to hear a hee, a haw and can I hear a ho?
0:00:41 > 0:00:45# I do believe we're going to see what's called a do-si-do
0:00:45 > 0:00:50# Hey, yeah it's the Kevin Eldon Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:50 > 0:00:51# Yee-haa!
0:00:51 > 0:00:55# Hell, yeah It's the Kevin Eldon Show
0:00:55 > 0:00:56# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58MUSIC STYLE TURNS ELECTRONIC
0:00:58 > 0:01:03(ELECTRONIC VOICE SAMPLE) # Show, show, show, show, show, show... #
0:01:03 > 0:01:07# Got a show right here it's smoking, toking, want to see ya laughing and a-joking
0:01:07 > 0:01:11# Got some jokes that pump and thump and hump and mess-up and think there's even one about a dumpling. #
0:01:11 > 0:01:13LYRICS BECOME UNINTELLIGIBLE
0:01:16 > 0:01:18# ..Cos all is need is oxygen!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# Oxygen, oxygen Bob, can you bring some oxygen?
0:01:21 > 0:01:27# Oxygen, oxygen, I really need some oxygen! Oxygen, oxygen! #
0:01:27 > 0:01:29HE INHALES DEEPLY
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Aaahhh!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32COCK CROWS
0:01:32 > 0:01:33COUNTRY MUSIC STYLE
0:01:33 > 0:01:38# Hot dog, it's the Kevin Eldon Show, it's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show
0:01:38 > 0:01:40# Lord have mercy!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# Hoo-wee, it's the Kevin Eldon Show,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:46 > 0:01:48# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:48 > 0:01:49# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin
0:01:49 > 0:01:58# Kevin Eldon Sho-o-o-o-w. #
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Yee-haa!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02All right!
0:02:03 > 0:02:07Hmm, you really are making excellent progress, Mrs Drury.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I'll just get the nurse to take your temperature.
0:02:09 > 0:02:15I take it you don't object to being treated by a sexy '80s nurse?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16Nurse!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19TROMBONE STRIPTEASE MUSIC
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Cor!
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Blimey!
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Whoops!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01STEAM TRAIN WHISTLE
0:03:02 > 0:03:03SHE LAUGHS
0:03:05 > 0:03:10I...I...I...I...I...
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I'll see you the same time tomorrow, Mrs Drury.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Delightful card.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Ahhh!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22It's the last show of the series, so quite frankly,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24this week I am spoiling myself rotten.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Just a bit lower there please, Olga. Ah, thanks very much.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30And why not - it's only your money.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Some of which I'm also using to hire close-up magician Billy Pike
0:03:34 > 0:03:35to personally entertain me.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- Hi, Billy.- Hello.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38I love close-up magic.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Well, how about this?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Oh, it's magic!
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Abracadabra.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48How do you do it?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I start by holding the coin between me forefinger and me thumb
0:03:51 > 0:03:54and moving the other hand across it like this.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57When I open me hand, it appears like it's vanished.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59In fact, I don't take it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Just let the coin fall into this hand, like so.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04But the next bit is a bit trickier.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06If I want to move the coin from the palm of me
0:04:06 > 0:04:11hand to behind your ear, I have to summon up the power of pure evil,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14which I've harnessed in the form of a still-beating human heart,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16that I cut from the living body of a virgin.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Oh.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I keep in this shoebox.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Oh, yeah, that is still beating, isn't it?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Yeah, it has to be a beating heart...of a virgin.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29DISTANT SCREAMS
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Or else the trick...
0:04:32 > 0:04:33..won't work!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36So it's actually quite simple, isn't it?
0:04:36 > 0:04:37When you know how.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Hey, do you fancy a massage?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Ooh, I wouldn't say no.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46KNUCKLES CRACK
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Be gentle!
0:05:02 > 0:05:06What? Howay, man! That's shite!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08It's nothing like us.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Ya want to lay aff the Rioja!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- And now... - Excuse me? Would you like a fight?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Um...no, not just now, thanks.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Right ho.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25And now once more to the white coat window
0:05:25 > 0:05:28on the world of worldwide wonders with the wuverly Wendy Wilson.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Wendy, welcome and wa wa woo?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- What's that?- How are you?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- Fine, thank you.- Warvellous. Um, I bought some flowers.
0:05:36 > 0:05:42Oh, yes - Aster alpinus. Imperilled in certain Canadian provinces.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45The multiverse?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Yes, this is the theory that there is an infinite
0:05:48 > 0:05:51number of universes in which every possible scenario is played out.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54And this is a machine I've invented, the Multiversoscope,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56which allows us to briefly view those universes.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- You are so clever.- Yes, I am.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Now, let's see what this show looks like in other universes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I just type in "It's Kevin"...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08..and push this button for a random selection...
0:06:10 > 0:06:11and...
0:06:11 > 0:06:14According to the readout, in this universe,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17you are a grossly stereotypical Scotsman.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Yeah... What do you mean, grossly stereotypical?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- Oooh, what's this?- Apparently this is a universe where you're a toy helicopter.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Oh, look! Look at my tiny rotor blades!
0:06:33 > 0:06:37And this is you in a universe where there are no foot spas.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42No foot spas? Wow, we are through the looking glass here, people.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45And in this universe, there's only one foot spa.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49(STRAINED) Oh, one foot spa!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52And in this universe,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54you're that woman that put the cat in a wheelie bin.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Oh, yeah!- So as you can see, in the multiverse,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00absolutely anything is possible.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Anything at all.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06In that case, then, there's a universe somewhere where you and I...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Yes?- We're both...
0:07:11 > 0:07:12..wheat intolerant.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Without a doubt.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Great. Thanks, Wendy.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17You're welcome.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24BRASS BAND MUSIC
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Good evening. My name is Stanley Dewthorpe.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I am a fictional man from the north of England.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Fictional, mind, fictional.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38So, imagine my disgust t'other day
0:07:38 > 0:07:41when I sat down to table only to discover that me tea weren't ready!
0:07:41 > 0:07:46For although I am a fictional northern man, I am a traditional fictional northern man.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I race pigeons! I never win, but it's taking part that counts.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I go down t'mine ten hours every day.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55It's been closed for years, but old habits... I keep whippets!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57In t'freezer. Stops 'em going off so fast.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00So when I, a traditional fictional northern man, sit down to t'tea
0:08:00 > 0:08:03table, clock on t'mantelpiece striking six, only to be confronted
0:08:03 > 0:08:07with nowt but t'bare tablecloth - which were filthy, incidentally -
0:08:07 > 0:08:10a very ancient fury were ignited.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14"Wife!" I shouted. "Wife! Wife!
0:08:14 > 0:08:18"Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife!"
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Decisions. There are small ones and not-so-small ones.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30And every now and then, you make a decision, don't you, that changes your whole life.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34I recently made a decision like that when I decided to foster a ghost.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Do you want to meet her?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Chloe? Chloe?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45She's really been through it, poor thing. She drowned in a peat bog
0:08:45 > 0:08:49around the middle of the 19th century, whilst running away from a particularly brutal orphanage.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54I'm surprised she's as well-adjusted as she is. Hey, Chloe.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Do you want to say hello?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Yeah, she'll be fine once she's settled into her routine.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Won't you, Chloe?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09SHE SCREAMS MALEVOLENTLY
0:09:12 > 0:09:15You just have to ignore this sort of thing, apparently.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26"..Wife! Wife! Wife!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29"Wife! Wife! Wife!"
0:09:29 > 0:09:33Did I get an answer? Did I buggery as 'eck like dry-stone wall.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I were about to take me temper out on me pipe rack
0:09:35 > 0:09:39and not for t'first time either, when I heard somebody slipping in.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"Oh, how very kind of you to make an appearance, lady,"
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I quipped sarcastically. "What time do you call this?"
0:09:46 > 0:09:48"Time you found a wife," said old Tom from next door,
0:09:48 > 0:09:49for it was he.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"Me and the Mrs is sick of this, six o'clock every bloody night,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"this racket kicking off.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"If you don't stop shouting, 'Wife! Wife!'
0:09:56 > 0:10:00"we're going to tell t'Council, then you'll get what for."
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Well, I couldn't very well much say to that, could I?
0:10:02 > 0:10:09Cos I'd ruptured me larynx shouting "Wife! Wife! Wife! Wife!
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"Wife!
0:10:11 > 0:10:15"Wi-fe! Wi-ife! Wii-ife!"
0:10:20 > 0:10:22DUBSTEP MUSIC
0:10:24 > 0:10:29Ah, just chilling out to some dubstep. I love dubstep.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Did you know that dubstep's calming influence is being
0:10:32 > 0:10:36recommended by qualified medical practitioners to relieve
0:10:36 > 0:10:38stress in all kinds of situations?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40DUBSTEP BLARES
0:10:40 > 0:10:41At the dentists'...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43MUSIC BLARES
0:10:48 > 0:10:50..during labour...
0:10:56 > 0:10:57..at times of bereavement.
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Ahh, dubstep.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Hey, Bob - do you like dubstep?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Yes, I do like dubstep.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16In fact, I'm going to listen to some dubstep right now.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Oh, before you go to listen to some dubstep, do you think you could
0:11:19 > 0:11:22bring over a few of those leaflets they've put through the door?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23I fancy some takeaway.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Righto.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Cheers.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Whoo! You can hear my stomach rumbling!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Oh, no. It's the dubstep.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Here we go. So what do you fancy?
0:11:36 > 0:11:41We've got Sausage Abattoir, Hen Shed, Paella Cellar,
0:11:41 > 0:11:46Risotto Grotto, Stalag Burger, Offal Hovel,
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Giblet Attic, Fritter Cottage,
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Grub Ditch, Snack Dump, Soup Trough,
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Kebab Cupboard, Maison de Biryani,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Lamb Dungeon, Gammon Pantry,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Pastapartment, or Spam Toilet.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Hmmm.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Could you do us a cheese sandwich, Bob?
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Coming up!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18THANKS, BOB!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23There's everything you need at a price you'll love at Fortune Cruncher.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28A pack of four kitchen rolls for £5,000!
0:12:28 > 0:12:29What an absolute fortune!
0:12:29 > 0:12:36Three washing-up sponges, £2,800. A4 lined refill pad, £1,100.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Unbranded Bulgarian Mars Bars, £700 each, two for £3,000.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43With every Fortune Cruncher bargain you can rest assured you're
0:12:43 > 0:12:46paying way, way, way over the odds!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48These prices are obscene!
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Fortune Cruncher, why pay less if you can afford MORE?
0:12:55 > 0:13:01If you remember skinheads, the Millennium bug or homosexuals,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03you'll love Classic Threats Magazine,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06the reassuring read about things that don't seem quite so scary any more.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Issue one comes with a free classic Protect and Survive manual
0:13:09 > 0:13:12and a necrotising fasciitis face mask.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17Classic Threats magazine, because fear plus time equals fun.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Ooh, here, there's a man now.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Excuse me, Kevin.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27- Oh, yes, Margaret.- You've got a book out that was due back a week ago.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Really?- Yes. Um, what was it called...
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Ah! A Thousand Bums by Colin Diss.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37A Thous... Oh, yeah!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Sorry, Margaret. I've been meaning to get that back to you.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Er, I saw it around here earlier somewhere. There it is.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Yeah, sorry about that, Margaret. Here you are.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Oh, not to worry.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Oh!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Oh!
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Bye, Margaret.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Bye...Kevin.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22Now, where was I?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Oh, yeah. Imagine being a man who hasn't sat down for 24 years.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Well, this next man doesn't need to, cos he hasn't.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31This is Standing Up Salim. Hello, Standing Up Salim.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- How are you doing?- Have a seat!
0:14:34 > 0:14:37What are you doing?!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- No!- What did you sit down for?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41- But you said "take a seat". - That was a joke. I was joking!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- You caught me off guard! - Bloody hell!
0:14:44 > 0:14:45There's a seat here!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Yeah, but...
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- I don't believe this! - Quick, stand up again! - No, it's too late now!
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I know, you could stay sitting down and become known as
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Sitting Down Salim.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- Aye, all right, aye.- Oh, brilliant!
0:15:01 > 0:15:05So, ladies and gentlemen, here we have Standing Up...Sitting Down Salim.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07So, Sitting Down Salim, how long have you been sitting down?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Over 15 seconds, but, er... Think I'm going to enjoy it!
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- Well, long may it continue. Thank you very much, Sitting Down Salim. - Cheers.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20EXCLAIMS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I couldn't have put it better myself.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26Margaret?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Monsieur Benedict Coupon.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Monsieur Coupon.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Your Gracious Majesty.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44Paris is alive with talk of your fabulous new invention.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47You will show me, please?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Your Majesty.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Perpetual motion has long been but a dream.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59But now with my new creation...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Yes, yes, yes, and what is this?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04That?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Oh, Monseigneur, it's just a bit that got torn off the corner.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Now, perpetual motion...
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Genius.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Your Majesty?
0:16:13 > 0:16:18Monsieur Coupon, correct me if I am mistaken, but you are proposing
0:16:18 > 0:16:22the idea that this bit that got torn off the corner could be worth
0:16:22 > 0:16:27upon presentation a saving of a small amount of the total
0:16:27 > 0:16:32cost of say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets?
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Are you not?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Er...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Sire, if I may explain...
0:16:39 > 0:16:43God himself has spoken to you, Monsieur Coupon.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48He has shown you the grace and the beauty of a system whereby
0:16:48 > 0:16:53a bit that got torn off the corner may be exchanged in return
0:16:53 > 0:16:56for the lessening of the payment due on a purchased item.
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Such as...say, a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05And now, no doubt, my dear Monsieur Coupon,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08you come here to Versailles to beg me
0:17:08 > 0:17:13to allow you to name this new modern wonder the Louis XIV after me. Eh?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Er...- Shhh...
0:17:16 > 0:17:19They will not allow it, Monsieur Coupon.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24No, no, this work of ingenuity shall bear your name.
0:17:24 > 0:17:30And in ages to come, whenever people tear a bit off the corner,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33which upon redemption represents
0:17:33 > 0:17:36a modest reduction of the chargeable sum levied upon, say...
0:17:47 > 0:17:51..a bottle of fluid for cleaning household carpets,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54they shall be honouring its creator.
0:17:54 > 0:17:59They will say, "Oh! Look, what have we here?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02"It is a Coupon."
0:18:02 > 0:18:07Like so. And, oh! Do my eyes deceive me?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10No, they do not, it is a coupon.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Like so.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Your Majesty...
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Oh, good news for our household carpets.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18We have discovered a coupon.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Like so.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Oh! This is the only copy.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25And what is this? Is it a tiny mouse?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28No, it is a coupon. Oh!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Like so. What do you think this is before us?
0:18:31 > 0:18:35It is a coupon, like so...
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Oh...zis is my...only copy.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Oh, look at the size of this, ma cherie! It is a very large coupon.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47VACUUM CLEANER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Have you ever wondered why you hardly see any... Hang on.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55LOUD DUBSTEP MUSIC
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Yeah, I...
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Bob... Bob!
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Bob!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Oh, sorry!
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Thanks. Yeah, I've had a bit of an accident.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Just hoovering up my grandad's ashes.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Kevin? Kevin?
0:19:17 > 0:19:22Have you seen my ashes? My collection of different ashes?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Oh, hello, Grandad.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Um, no, no, no, I haven't seen your collection of different ashes, no.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32You're acting very suspiciously, Kevin. I'm not sure I believe you.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34If I find out that you've...
0:19:34 > 0:19:39Oooh, my! That's a fancy-dan modern contraption.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42What is it? A compact disc?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44A moon rocket?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47Er, no, Grandad, it's a bagless vacuum cleaner.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Bagless?
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Bagless, you say? A bagless vacuum cleaner?
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Impossible! Dear, dear, dear. The very idea!
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Bagless!
0:20:02 > 0:20:08Ooh, that was close. He's right, though. How does it work?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Got the manual here.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Vortalex's bagless vacuum cleaner...
0:20:12 > 0:20:14< Bagless!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17..literally makes dust a thing of the past.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22Ha, they literally have no idea what the word "literally" literally means!
0:20:26 > 0:20:30So how DOES it work, then?
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Poo-poo, Mr Jolif. More dust.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Mr Pettigrew, this drawing room is collar-deep in great smuts
0:20:42 > 0:20:44and mantle fluff.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Where does it all come from?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50We must look to science to determine its cause, Mr Jolif.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06If I'm not very much mistaken,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10these are particles of...
0:21:12 > 0:21:13..the future!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Huh, guess we'll never know.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24< Bagless! Heh-heh!
0:21:29 > 0:21:33'Hello. And welcome to this week's edition of Cavalcade.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38'Cavalcade was a children's programme which ran on the BBC between 1953 and 1956.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43'Its presenters were Uncle Derek Worthington and Auntie Buntie Jones
0:21:43 > 0:21:46'and they were firm favourites with young and old alike.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49'Here we have a rare clip from their 1954 Christmas Eve
0:21:49 > 0:21:53'show in which they're sharing some friendly banter with special studio guest,
0:21:53 > 0:21:56'philosopher and mathematician Bertrand Russell.'
0:21:56 > 0:21:59'Starting with premises,
0:21:59 > 0:22:03'which are universally admitted to belong to logic.
0:22:03 > 0:22:08'We find mathematically of course that there are merging parameters.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10'And now of course, Mr Russell,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12'that brings us on to deductive influence.'
0:22:12 > 0:22:14'Yes. But of course it's always,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18'it's always important to distinguish deductive validity
0:22:18 > 0:22:22'and inductive validity, or cogency as it is sometimes referred to...'
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Cavalcade, there. It was another age.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Kids these days would find the idea of formalising an axiomatic
0:22:33 > 0:22:37system in order to prove its logical consistency laughably naive.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39WHOOSHING APPROACHES
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Tea-lady Flo here
0:22:43 > 0:22:46was different from most tea-ladies in that she's a genuine tea-lady.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50And by that, I mean she organically produces tea herself. Don't you, Flo?
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Yeah.- So Flo, please could I have a delicious cup of your delicious tea-lady tea, please, Flo?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Yeah.
0:22:57 > 0:23:02So, what Flo is doing now is she is expressing tea
0:23:02 > 0:23:07from one of her tea-lady tea glands.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11And now...
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Voila! A lovely fresh cup of tea-lady tea.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Delicious.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- Chocolate biscuit? - No, thanks, Flo.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30The door is unlocked. Please come in right away. Please hurry up, I've not got all day.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Good morning to you. Hello and how do? Now, may I ask, what's the problem with you?
0:23:36 > 0:23:37You're not my usual doctor.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41He's absent, away, not at his station. He's gone off to Cornwall to have a vacation.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Yeah, what's all this rhyming? I hate rhyming.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Rhyming, I have to.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Would be no use if I failed to do rhymes when my name is Dr Seuss.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53Dr Seu... I've got this rash on my leg.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Yes, I can see. There are red spots on your leg.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58The reason must be that you've eaten blue eggs.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00What on earth are you talking...? And stop rhyming!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Rhyming drives me mad!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05The blue eggs you've eaten have turned your legs red.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I prescribe the black milk of the Dreklington Dread.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I'm warning you!
0:24:09 > 0:24:14- Dreklington Dread is a chicken with hair. It looks like a dog, but smells like a bear.- All right!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16You've leapt from your chair and you're grasping my throat.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- I feel quite light-headed, I'm starting to float.- Stop it!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Far from releasing, you've tightened your grip, I feel that my life signs are beginning to slip.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
0:24:25 > 0:24:30My eyes they are popping, my tongue is unfurled, so this is the end. Goodbye, cruel world.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36Oh, no, I've murdered a rhyming locum!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Now that's a punchline!
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Thanks, Alison.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48SHE SCREECHES LIKE A PTERODACTYL
0:24:54 > 0:24:58So, yeah, as I was saying, last show in the series.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01And sadly we've come to the bit where I've got to wrap it all up.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Bob here's going into hibernation. Turn round, Bob.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08In case he wakes up and goes off wandering, you know.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09In you get.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- Righto. - Oh, before you do, give me that.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Some might construe this as a fire hazard.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- Oh, yeah. - Health and safety!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Get yourself comfy.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22There's some tins of lager and scotch eggs hidden in the hay,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24in case you get a bit peckish or thirsty.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Oh, and I've got you a lovely lullaby to help you get to sleep.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32So anyway, yeah. Thanks for watching.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36And to take us out now, one of my favourite-ever folk groups,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38so proud to have them.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42The Threshers, and a beautiful ballad called Eventide.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46FOLK MUSIC
0:25:52 > 0:25:59# When dusk is come and day is done
0:25:59 > 0:26:04# And all are homeward bound
0:26:04 > 0:26:07HE MIXES DUBSTEP OVER FOLK MUSIC
0:26:20 > 0:26:26# Since then my heart soars high with them
0:26:26 > 0:26:31# To seek your lovely face... #
0:26:33 > 0:26:35DUBSTEP DROWNS OUT FOLK MUSIC
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# Its cold embrace. #
0:26:49 > 0:26:51MUSIC ENDS
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Ah, night-night.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04OPENS BEER
0:27:05 > 0:27:07HE SNORES
0:27:09 > 0:27:12And coming up next on BBC Two...
0:27:12 > 0:27:15A-a-and... (NASALLY) ..coming up next on BBC Two...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17And... (SMOOTHLY) ..coming up next on BBC Two...
0:27:17 > 0:27:20And coming up NEXT on BBC Two...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23("CLUB-STYLE") And coming up next on BBC Two...
0:27:23 > 0:27:27(RASPING) And coming up next on BBC Two...
0:27:27 > 0:27:30(INCREASINGLY SILLY VOICE) And coming up next on BBC Two...
0:27:30 > 0:27:33(JABBERING) And coming up next on BBC Two...
0:27:33 > 0:27:35(IN BESTIAL VOICE) And coming up next on BBC Two...
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd