:00:26. > :00:40.Hello and welcome to Jack Dee's Referendum HelpDesk.
:00:41. > :00:47.My helpers to Nike will be fielding questions from our studio audience,
:00:48. > :00:52.which they haven't seen before and the knowledge will make you see an
:00:53. > :00:58.ill informed decision about which way to vote. This campaign has seen
:00:59. > :01:04.some scaremongering and terrifying rhetoric, which is why I am here as
:01:05. > :01:10.the friendly face of the referendum. It is tricky, because British people
:01:11. > :01:14.don't normally get a say in being asked to leave Europe. They just get
:01:15. > :01:21.deported at throwing patio furniture at the other team's fans. Let's meet
:01:22. > :01:23.my panel of helpers, Romesh Ranganathan.
:01:24. > :01:30.APPLAUSE And a great comedian and fine actor,
:01:31. > :01:35.best known for the sitcom, Derek. But her finest role is as a mother,
:01:36. > :01:42.am I right, sisters? It is Kerry Godliman.
:01:43. > :01:47.You may think because this comedian is from Canada she cannot relate to
:01:48. > :01:49.the British, but she has promised to try to be as small-minded and
:01:50. > :01:51.suspicious foreigners as the rest, here is Katherine Ryan.
:01:52. > :02:06.APPLAUSE He is the Blur guitarist, who lives
:02:07. > :02:12.in the cost roles next to David Cameron and makes blue cheese.
:02:13. > :02:17.Does this guy know how to rock? It is Alex James. Immigration is a
:02:18. > :02:23.key issue with figures released last month saying 30,000 non-UK citizens
:02:24. > :02:28.entered the country. If you discount the one that came to addition for
:02:29. > :02:33.British got talent, the number drops to 26.
:02:34. > :02:37.Let's get on to your questions. I am going to try to find, first of all,
:02:38. > :02:47.Richard Harrison from Basingstoke. Where are you, Richard tester Mark
:02:48. > :02:50.if we vote to leave, would it be right and proper to put Nigel on the
:02:51. > :02:56.new ?20 note? Would you think it would be
:02:57. > :03:09.something you would like to see? What is more British than a drunk
:03:10. > :03:20.ex-banker. We will do the funny jokes. Very good. Should Nigel
:03:21. > :03:24.Farage be on the ?20 note if we vote? Looking at his teeth, he
:03:25. > :03:30.should be on the back of the cigarette package. The best place
:03:31. > :03:37.for his photo. I wonder what the panel think, is it a nice idea? I am
:03:38. > :03:41.not a big fan of Nigel Farage. Do you think it would be a good idea?
:03:42. > :03:47.Good video economy, because people would be desperately spending their
:03:48. > :04:00.?20 notes. What are you doing? Come and sit here. If we wanted this to
:04:01. > :04:07.be the Richard Harrison show, we would have called it that. Is it a
:04:08. > :04:12.nice idea? Who is on the money now? Definitely the Queen. In Canada, the
:04:13. > :04:17.Queen is on every dollar I ever earn. I loved it when we got to
:04:18. > :04:20.Canada on tour and the Queen was on the money. We should be embracing
:04:21. > :04:27.goodies for the money, like David Beckham. Maybe posh handbags. Who
:04:28. > :04:35.would we love to see on our money, David Bowie on our money, I would
:04:36. > :04:43.like that. Would you like to be on the money? We're not all complete
:04:44. > :04:47.narcissist, stand-up comedians. I am happy when you guys just give me
:04:48. > :04:56.your money, I don't have to be on it. Can you do that thing with a
:04:57. > :05:06.note Andy fold it a certain way and you can see the Queen's backside.
:05:07. > :05:16.There is a willy one as well with a 20. Time down. On the old one in the
:05:17. > :05:24.80s, you could get the bomb. I think that is why many people are opposed
:05:25. > :05:33.to the euro, because he lose that. Good question, thank you Richard.
:05:34. > :05:40.Sheila from Kings Langley. I am going to vote to stay in. My husband
:05:41. > :05:53.is going to vote to leave. How do we maintain marital harmony? Is your
:05:54. > :06:00.voting to leave the EU, or you? How are things currently? I am biting my
:06:01. > :06:07.tongue a lot. What is your husband's name? Richard. When you are biting
:06:08. > :06:14.your tongue, why are you doing that? When Richard is criticising data and
:06:15. > :06:19.statistics, I think it is better to bite my tongue. But maybe we should
:06:20. > :06:24.have a debate. You have come to the right place. You should celebrate
:06:25. > :06:28.that you, as a married couple are independent people and you are
:06:29. > :06:35.getting along. That is very sensible. Thank you. What is your
:06:36. > :06:42.driving argument to remain and what is Richard's driving argument to
:06:43. > :06:52.leave? I like being part of Europe. When I come into London, I like the
:06:53. > :06:56.service I get in the copy shops, which is generally people who aren't
:06:57. > :07:02.from the UK. Their customer service is great, those people, they give
:07:03. > :07:13.you a smile. Richard's opinion on out? He doesn't like the service. We
:07:14. > :07:19.vote the opposite way in elections as well, I do it for a matter of
:07:20. > :07:25.balance, really. You sound like an easy guy to get on with. You are
:07:26. > :07:31.just trying to wind your wife up. It is an unusual feature of this
:07:32. > :07:38.business. On the whole it is uniting people. No one knows what to do and
:07:39. > :07:43.it is not like a general election. If someone wants to leave, you ask
:07:44. > :07:51.them why, we are listening to each other for once, maybe. In my
:07:52. > :07:54.experience, anyway. I would never advise to abandon voting altogether,
:07:55. > :08:02.except in your case because you cancel each other out. Just stay in.
:08:03. > :08:09.That is the genius answer. Simplicity, neither of you voted. I
:08:10. > :08:16.do think you should split up. APPLAUSE
:08:17. > :08:29.Some couples just like Rowling, they row and row and then have amazing
:08:30. > :08:38.make-up sex. I'm going to give you a referendum! Sounds like the 24th of
:08:39. > :08:43.June is going to be a good day! Good luck with that. Thank you for
:08:44. > :08:51.raising the question, are very interesting situation. Rachel, right
:08:52. > :08:55.over here in the front. Rachel, it says you are from Salisbury, what
:08:56. > :09:03.would you like to last? It will leave the EU, can we remove all wet
:09:04. > :09:09.mozzarella cheese from the island so I never have to see it again. What
:09:10. > :09:14.is wrong with it? It is pointless, it tastes of nothing. Good
:09:15. > :09:21.mozzarella tastes good. It needs to be wet because it goes off quickly.
:09:22. > :09:29.The dry stuff is great for putting on a pizza. If only we had a cheese
:09:30. > :09:35.expert on the panel. We will have to move on. It is true, the wet
:09:36. > :09:38.mozzarella is hopeless for pizza. But mozzarella is the biggest
:09:39. > :09:46.selling cheese in the world, but it doesn't have a PDO, so I can start
:09:47. > :09:54.making it. But if I started to make Parmesan, I would get a visit from
:09:55. > :10:05.some serious people. Who, the Mafia? Have you considered making
:10:06. > :10:16.mozzarella? Yes, I was going to call it Wonderball. Thank you for asking,
:10:17. > :10:21.Rachel. How are you? Very good. How will the referendum affect
:10:22. > :10:25.pensioners living in Europe, and what will we do if they all come
:10:26. > :10:30.back from Benidorm? They will be rounded up and handed over to World
:10:31. > :10:38.Of Leather. APPLAUSE
:10:39. > :10:43.How will the referendum affect pensioners from Europe and what will
:10:44. > :10:48.they do if they all come back from Benidorm. They all seem to live
:10:49. > :10:55.there. Probably put them all in jail, where they should have been.
:10:56. > :11:01.Where they should have been when they legged it. It will be difficult
:11:02. > :11:05.to identify them because they will have assimilated with the native
:11:06. > :11:11.culture. It would be nice for British people to get used to the
:11:12. > :11:21.hot weather. When the sun comes out, how white people behave is an
:11:22. > :11:30.acceptable. Just get naked and walk out. Make the most of it. It is
:11:31. > :11:33.terrifying when you see people going on holiday just to get burnt and
:11:34. > :11:38.come back looking like a lobster. You see them at Gatwick Airport,
:11:39. > :11:45.standing their underweight on holiday. I have this vision that
:11:46. > :11:49.they are standing on the moving staircase, then they just go into
:11:50. > :11:53.another and then come out all brown. The one coming back, are brown and
:11:54. > :12:01.they look like they have gone through toasting machine! They are
:12:02. > :12:05.not actually going anywhere. Interesting, what would we do if
:12:06. > :12:11.they had to come back, all the Benidorm people. What do you think,
:12:12. > :12:17.Kerry? I don't think they should be allowed, build a wall, keep them
:12:18. > :12:23.out. You have changed. You are applauding. Donald Trump Wallasey.
:12:24. > :12:30.You should keep them out. People want to keep immigrants out who are
:12:31. > :12:35.educated and able-bodied, you can bring something to the economy and
:12:36. > :12:42.work, what are pensioners going to do? Take, take, take. I am going to
:12:43. > :12:51.try and find Emily next. At the back. How are you? Good, how are
:12:52. > :13:02.you. Where are you from? I am from Canada. Are you here legally? Yes.
:13:03. > :13:06.She is, but Catherine... I would like to know how voting in or out of
:13:07. > :13:15.the EU will benefit women and what are the compelling reasons why I
:13:16. > :13:21.should vote either way? We haven't got a Scooby. You raise an
:13:22. > :13:25.interesting question about whether it will make a difference to women,
:13:26. > :13:32.is that what you're getting at? Yes, in terms of equal pay, childcare,
:13:33. > :13:35.encouraging women to have positions of responsibility, equality in
:13:36. > :13:42.Parliament. As a woman, you obviously want to know these things?
:13:43. > :13:46.Of course. Very selfish. There are other people on the planet... We
:13:47. > :13:51.won't go into that now. Do they have to do different things to women in
:13:52. > :14:00.the UK? European women are allowed pubic hair.
:14:01. > :14:14.I am up for that. We are behind it. What else to European women get?
:14:15. > :14:20.They are allowed to shrug more. They get more shrugging time. It's what
:14:21. > :14:27.they do when they see me! Thank you, Emily. I'm going to try to find
:14:28. > :14:33.Martin Clark from Essex, down the front. Where are you from in Essex?
:14:34. > :14:44.You really don't want to know, do you? Of course I do, that's why I
:14:45. > :14:50.asked. I live in the worst place, in Thurrock. You will be popular there!
:14:51. > :14:55.I'm a fan of Spanish omelettes, exotic Jesus, will they all go away
:14:56. > :15:04.after the referendum? Yes, they will all be made illegal. You will have
:15:05. > :15:08.to eat suet. It's a terrifying thought, people dealing Spanish
:15:09. > :15:17.omelette on street corners. Heyman, have you got any Spanish omelette?
:15:18. > :15:23.In little tiny plastic bags. Do you make your own Spanish omelette? I
:15:24. > :15:29.try to make it, badly. Because tap as is rubbish. The food is OK, it is
:15:30. > :15:34.just having to eat with other people and there's always one prick who
:15:35. > :15:40.takes too much. You have to set their pretending not to resent them.
:15:41. > :15:48.It's a very stressful new experience -- sit there. All I can say is, I
:15:49. > :15:56.paid the bill, Romesh! APPLAUSE
:15:57. > :16:00.You mentioned cheese again. I have been preparing for the apocalypse
:16:01. > :16:05.from any years, growing my own Brussels sprouts, French beans,
:16:06. > :16:10.bendy cucumber, the bendy are the better, that is one in nearby for
:16:11. > :16:17.Brussels. I think we have helped you. I hope so. Onto the next
:16:18. > :16:22.question, from Colindale. However you? I'm fine, thanks. I would like
:16:23. > :16:29.to know, if we vote to come out of the EU, would we be able to still
:16:30. > :16:34.lose at the Euros football? The football. You obviously don't have
:16:35. > :16:41.great faith that we will do particularly well this time around?
:16:42. > :16:48.Not really. Sad! What a jaded view of the nation's football you have.
:16:49. > :16:54.Which team do you support? I don't really support any football teams.
:16:55. > :16:59.Many people don't support many football teams. What football team
:17:00. > :17:06.do you support, all of them? That way, I am never sad when they lose!
:17:07. > :17:10.Alex, are you a football fan? I am from Bournemouth so I've never had
:17:11. > :17:13.it so good. I think that we are destined to keep playing at the
:17:14. > :17:18.Euros and lose. I don't think there is anything we can can do about it
:17:19. > :17:23.but I do think we should back out of Eurovision.
:17:24. > :17:35.APPLAUSE Is that how it works in Brussels?
:17:36. > :17:44.Everybody giving each other douze points, and us nothing. I don't
:17:45. > :17:49.watch it. It is like us saying to everyone else, come on, you have a
:17:50. > :17:53.go and pop music. I think we should leave and just watch the others and
:17:54. > :17:59.have a laugh. Katherine committee will follow football? I follow those
:18:00. > :18:08.who make the news, like come sexual assaults. Muggy they have got a
:18:09. > :18:13.great back four! But if we leave, how will you get any footballers?
:18:14. > :18:21.Some teams would be bereft of players. They wouldn't have anyone
:18:22. > :18:27.to send out. What is a heavily... Arsenal. Who is an Arsenal fan? If
:18:28. > :18:33.we leave, there is a good chance you will get to play!
:18:34. > :18:40.LAUGHTER that would be cool. You will be stuffed. Interesting
:18:41. > :18:56.interesting question, Martin, thank you. Marta? How a U. Good, thank
:18:57. > :18:59.you. Are you from London? I'm quite a fan of continental booze cruises.
:19:00. > :19:04.I wondered what the effect might be because I would be annoyed to have
:19:05. > :19:09.to apply for a visa to go for a short hop to get some high-quality
:19:10. > :19:15.French wine or to have to pay duty on the way back or have a bottle
:19:16. > :19:20.limit. Do you take your car over and fill up with mice... I have been
:19:21. > :19:26.known to do that and have my luggage clinking as I get off the flight.
:19:27. > :19:31.How much do you bring back, Marta? When I went with a friend by car we
:19:32. > :19:37.heard that the limit was 100 bottles so we bought man-to-man. I took my
:19:38. > :19:42.car over and filled up with one but it ruined the engine -- we bought
:19:43. > :19:53.99. How often do you go on these booze cruises? Not very often. About
:19:54. > :19:59.four times a euro. You buy 99 bottles four times a year? How are
:20:00. > :20:09.you alive? Are you currently working, Marta? Functioning
:20:10. > :20:14.alcoholic! Are you currently working? I am. I work for a bank.
:20:15. > :20:21.LAUGHTER So you need the wine is to just keep
:20:22. > :20:28.working, really. Too blotted out at the end of every day. How much have
:20:29. > :20:33.I lost the nation this year? The French have been very good at
:20:34. > :20:38.convincing us that champagne... It is just cider with marketing, you
:20:39. > :20:42.know. They are very good at marketing, but I think beer is a far
:20:43. > :20:51.superior drink to wine. It has more flavour. I love beer as well.
:20:52. > :20:59.Surprise, surprise! It is the prices. The taxes. You could pick up
:21:00. > :21:06.a great bottle of beer for 1 euro or less in France but here it is ?5 a
:21:07. > :21:17.pint. A disgrace. How is the glue going? Really great. People will
:21:18. > :21:26.start making their own. She will! Can you make wine? Yaz, not one,
:21:27. > :21:31.beer. How does it taste? Not bad. The next step is to find out how to
:21:32. > :21:37.synthesise the liver. It's because wine is so very expensive, isn't it?
:21:38. > :21:42.You can get wine for ?3 a bottle if you are not fussy about the
:21:43. > :21:50.appearance of it. Muggy or box. Classy. Do you get them as well?
:21:51. > :21:57.Marta will get anything. They will fit in well in the back of the van.
:21:58. > :22:01.Marta, when you have a wine box and you want the last drink out of it,
:22:02. > :22:04.do you... LAUGHTER
:22:05. > :22:11.I think I may have said too much about myself. Thank you for asking
:22:12. > :22:14.that question, and indeed thank you for keeping yourself out of the pub
:22:15. > :22:28.for the evening, it is very good of you! Santos, let's get a microphone
:22:29. > :22:36.to you, what can we do for you. I live with three Italians. In case
:22:37. > :22:43.they leave, what am I going to do with my hens? What? You live with
:22:44. > :22:48.three Italians and you wonder what you are going to do with your hands?
:22:49. > :22:55.I've been living with them and I am used to doing this... Ace I thought
:22:56. > :23:00.you meant, who will our group? I did not want to go there, this is the
:23:01. > :23:07.BBC and we don't like that kind of here!
:23:08. > :23:17.LAUGHTER That's me out of a job! Three
:23:18. > :23:23.Italians, you live with? Are they as expressive as you would think? Yes.
:23:24. > :23:29.It looks like you have picked up on that mannerism. Unfortunately. Do
:23:30. > :23:38.you find it useful? Terribly useful, I don't even have to say anything.
:23:39. > :23:46.What is that gesture? In Italy and it means move your balls. Are you
:23:47. > :23:51.playing Twister? What is going on? It's not just Italy, it is elsewhere
:23:52. > :23:57.in Europe, they are just much more expressive and open. Dare I say it,
:23:58. > :24:05.there is passion in the way that they express themselves. That's my
:24:06. > :24:14.favourite gesture. It means dam right. Have you done that one yet,
:24:15. > :24:23.Santos? Yes, there's nothing I haven't done! And your friends, will
:24:24. > :24:27.they leave if the euphoria of Mac that if the EU thing happens or are
:24:28. > :24:34.they just talking about leaving you anyway? Has it occurred to you that
:24:35. > :24:43.they might want to leave because they think you are taking the Mick?
:24:44. > :24:50.They cook great food. Carbonara. It sounds like a great flat you live
:24:51. > :24:59.in. You are going to miss them, aren't you? You are going to wish
:25:00. > :25:04.that you hadn't been so annoying? I'm so lonely!
:25:05. > :25:18.LAUGHTER Kerry, can you pick up those
:25:19. > :25:29.mannerisms? You could Skype them when they go. Face time. You can do
:25:30. > :25:38.all that. That's one, isn't it? That is the best one. Are they worried
:25:39. > :25:48.about the referendum? With language, or with hand gestures?
:25:49. > :26:06.OK, Santos, I hope that has helped you. Indeed. We are kind of coming
:26:07. > :26:10.to the end of our time, I will whip through some that we haven't had
:26:11. > :26:13.time for, Dave Palmer, from Leicester, shouldn't we just
:26:14. > :26:21.couldn't Leave just dizzy what happens? That is why a lot of people
:26:22. > :26:26.are voting Leave. Purely out of experimentation. That is like
:26:27. > :26:29.sticking your tongue in an electrical point is the what will
:26:30. > :26:37.happen. But then you know what will happen. Not necessarily unless you
:26:38. > :26:41.ask me because I've done it. And George from Sutherland and says that
:26:42. > :26:45.people tend not to vote if the weather is bad, how would the panel
:26:46. > :26:54.get people to the polling station if it rains on June 23. That's ironic.
:26:55. > :27:02.The people most likely to vote In refused to go out! Leah Martin from
:27:03. > :27:07.managers to, which countries would you most like Britain to maintain a
:27:08. > :27:10.relationship with? France would be good because it would be annoying if
:27:11. > :27:14.you got to the end of the Eurotunnel and there was nothing there. You'd
:27:15. > :27:23.just have to advertise it as a train ride. A brick wall, and comeback.
:27:24. > :27:27.One viewers from London says, the last country to join the EU was
:27:28. > :27:32.Croatia, do we risk them feeling it was therefore if we leave? You're
:27:33. > :27:35.right. We should not take that risk. We should make sure that they know
:27:36. > :27:41.it is their fault. We will tell them. Susannah Miller from Margate,
:27:42. > :27:47.if Britain leaving is called Brexit, what will it be called if Scotland
:27:48. > :27:55.break away as Nicola Sturgeon plans, and joins the EU by themselves?
:27:56. > :27:59.Treachery. Mr Baker from Norwich, would it not been nice to let the
:28:00. > :28:02.rest of the people of Europe vote to see if they actually want us?
:28:03. > :28:09.APPLAUSE That's a good question. That looks
:28:10. > :28:16.like more or less all we have time for. I would like to thank my
:28:17. > :28:25.helpers, Romesh, Kerry, Katherine, and Alex. I am not sure we have made
:28:26. > :28:30.anyone's decision any easier but as Abba famously sang, breaking up is
:28:31. > :28:34.never easy. They also sang that the lights were going to blind them so
:28:35. > :28:36.perhaps politically we should take everything Abba say with a pinch of
:28:37. > :28:57.salt. Good night. You will each collect
:28:58. > :29:01.a Michelin-starred chef.