0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Thank you, thank you. Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41CHEERING
0:00:41 > 0:00:44The BBC were supposed to be screening six programmes
0:00:44 > 0:00:47entitled "Fabio's Glorious World Cup Victory"...
0:00:47 > 0:00:52They phoned me up and said, "Look, we've got a bit of a gap, do you think you can fill it?"
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I wasn't going to turn down an opportunity like that.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Obviously, it was short notice.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Michael McIntyre would probably have had six months!
0:01:01 > 0:01:06The BBC do tend to treat Scouse comedians in the same way
0:01:06 > 0:01:08we all treat Polish builders.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12They don't give us enough time, they don't give us enough money
0:01:12 > 0:01:17and they're banking on the fact that if I can't deliver it, I'll get my brothers in to help at the end!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19So this is how the show works.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24Each week, I'll talk about a different topic that affects everybody in Britain.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Tonight, that topic's love and marriage.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29To help me get to grips with the topic, I've interviewed
0:01:29 > 0:01:32hundreds of British people about it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Some of them you might recognise, some you may not.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Looking at them, you can see why nobody's bothered invading us for 1,000 years!
0:01:40 > 0:01:46They've all shared their opinions with us and here's a taster of what's coming up tonight.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48It's chicken, it's cheap and it's fun.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Naked, in my heels.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Perfect. - I was 28 and he was 65.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Let's get arrested!
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Give it some of this, some of that.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Pooh splattered up my legs. - She stunk.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Had a nice - and slightly naughty - evening!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02There's nothing wrong with darts at all!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:05 > 0:02:09We'll be hearing more of what they think throughout the show,
0:02:09 > 0:02:13plus there'll be the odd sketch to help explain what I'm on about.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17This week, I've chosen the biggie - it's love and marriage.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21And there's a reason for that. There's a reason I chose this
0:02:21 > 0:02:24as the first topic. It's because if it wasn't for love and marriage,
0:02:24 > 0:02:29I wouldn't be here, I would not be doing this job. The reason was,
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I fell in love with someone, we got married,
0:02:33 > 0:02:37we reached that point, when you've been married for seven or eight years,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41where you both wake up one morning, look at each other and think,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44"Would it be better if you just fuck off and live somewhere else?"
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I was depressed...
0:02:54 > 0:02:59By the afternoon on Monday, I'd be drunk, watching daytime telly.
0:02:59 > 0:03:05Sad, looking at Richard and Judy, thinking, "Why can't I be that happy?"
0:03:05 > 0:03:07LOUD LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Maybe I should have married my auntie.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17I thought, "I can't go on like this. I need to do something about it."
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You've got your mates to talk to and your mates are just blokes.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22If you say, "I'm really depressed, I'm upset,"
0:03:22 > 0:03:24they'll look at you and go...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27.."Do you want a game of darts?"
0:03:28 > 0:03:33I thought, "I can't go on like this. I need to do something about it."
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I was living in Manchester at the time
0:03:38 > 0:03:40so I went to a comedy club.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44The guy on the door said, "It's an open mike night which means if you put your name down,
0:03:44 > 0:03:48"you get in for free. If you don't, it's £4 to get in."
0:03:48 > 0:03:52I was getting divorced so I thought, "That's four quid she's not having!"
0:03:54 > 0:03:58I put my name down, expecting there to be 300 people in the venue.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I walked in, there was seven people in there.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Seven. Five had put their name down.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Of those five, three of them were not allowed to touch the cutlery.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14There was a guy on the stage doing chicken impressions
0:04:14 > 0:04:17and I was thinking, "Surely this isn't the night?"
0:04:17 > 0:04:22My name got called out second, I walked on the stage.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I was meant to do seven minutes. In the end, I did 35.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Not all of it is funny, I've got to be honest,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34because I just started talking about getting divorced.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38It wasn't meant to be funny, I was just getting it off my chest.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42But any man in this room or at home, who's been married for eight years,
0:04:42 > 0:04:46and someone gives you an opportunity to talk for 35 minutes,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48without interruption, you take it!
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I come off at the end, the guy running the venue said,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56"Well, that was interesting," he said.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00"The bits where you were crying weren't that funny..."
0:05:00 > 0:05:02He said, "But you're better than the chicken,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06"so why don't you come back next week?"
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I was on the stage one night and I was doing a gig.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10I used to have this joke.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14I used to say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a bit sad tonight.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15"I've just split up with my wife."
0:05:15 > 0:05:17AUDIENCE: Aaaw!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"It's all right, it's not that sad.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"We're not divorced or anything, I've just killed her."
0:05:25 > 0:05:27But I knew I was going to miss her
0:05:27 > 0:05:31so I kept her head in the fridge for three months,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34which at times proved quite handy. Er...
0:05:34 > 0:05:35I know!
0:05:36 > 0:05:37I KNOW!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I know, I think I've got better as well
0:05:40 > 0:05:45but I used to do that joke and I was on the stage one night,
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I said that joke, I turned to the left and in the semi-darkness,
0:05:49 > 0:05:53I saw the head that was meant to be in the fridge.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Not just the head, obviously, the whole body.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59We were weeks away from being divorced,
0:05:59 > 0:06:04so as soon as I saw her, the first thing that went through my mind is, "That's going to cost me 20 grand!"
0:06:06 > 0:06:09But it wasn't like that, something wonderful happened.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I walked over to her at the bar later, she was stood at the bar.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17She said, "That was wonderful." I said, "What do you mean?"
0:06:17 > 0:06:20She said, "It was great to see you again, you were like the man I met 12 years ago.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24"You've got that glint in your eye and a spring in your step
0:06:24 > 0:06:28"and that look on your face that's full of cheekiness and happiness."
0:06:28 > 0:06:29She said, "What happened to you?"
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I said, "I married you!"
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Then she said what only a woman would say.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39She said, "Do you think we can do something about it?" I said, "What do you mean?"
0:06:39 > 0:06:42She said, "Do something, like go and talk to someone?"
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I mean, not anyone. You don't get on a bus and say,
0:06:44 > 0:06:49"Look, mate, I know you're busy with that kebab but we've been having a few problems..."
0:06:49 > 0:06:53But we did get back together, and so I've always been thankful
0:06:53 > 0:06:57that comedy exists cos it saved me from a very dark place
0:06:57 > 0:07:00and it give me the happiness that I've always sought.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05To kick off the show, we have to start at the very beginning -
0:07:05 > 0:07:06finding love.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13Well, I met my wonderful wife, Nikki, when she was a friend
0:07:13 > 0:07:18of my daughter Deborah's, and Deborah suggested you come round to see me,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- didn't she?- Yeah.- Talk to me, and that.- That's it, yep.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23I was 28 and he was 65.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I'd been blown out by the girl of my dreams.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I was desperate to take a girl to this disco,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32taking place just off the Battersea Park Road.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36The only other woman I knew in the world was my boss' new secretary,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38absolutely dreadful woman.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41I'm not looking for a girlfriend because...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43just the drama, the stress, the credit!
0:07:43 > 0:07:49I haven't got enough credit, I've got, like, 30 texts and 300 minutes!
0:07:49 > 0:07:54At the end of the evening, when they were playing the equivalent of Lady In Red, probably the last waltz,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I said, "Do you want to go out again then?"
0:07:57 > 0:07:58She said, "If we have to."
0:07:58 > 0:08:01And 40 years on, she's still my wife!
0:08:01 > 0:08:06We met at a Christmas party.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I first met my wife in a London nightclub.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Had a very nice - and slightly naughty - evening. It was very good!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17I'd never been attracted to an Indian lady in my life
0:08:17 > 0:08:19but this was love at first sight. That was it.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23On the dance floor, Ginger Rogers, Fred Astaire, give it some of this.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27I give her the chat-up line, I can't remember what it was but at the end of the night,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I give her a fag packet with "Please phone Dave, xxx".
0:08:29 > 0:08:33And to this day, she still has that fag packet...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36along with everything else I've given her! She keeps it all,
0:08:36 > 0:08:38you've got to love her.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45To me, that just shows you how Britain has changed.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48I can't remember, when I was teenager, thinking,
0:08:48 > 0:08:53"I'd better not have a girlfriend, I haven't got enough credit."
0:08:53 > 0:08:57There was a point, I think, where finances did come into it.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00There was often the occasion where you looked and thought,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"Have I got enough cider in this bottle
0:09:03 > 0:09:07"to get her pissed enough to get her tits out?" There was that.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10But there wasn't that issue of credit.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14But also, something that was said there by Dave, the cage fighter,
0:09:14 > 0:09:19which people in this room under 25 will have no idea what he was on about -
0:09:19 > 0:09:22giving your phone number to someone at the end of the night.
0:09:22 > 0:09:28In fact, looking round this room, I can see ten-to-two couples.
0:09:28 > 0:09:34There was a time, ten to two, ten to two, that was the point
0:09:34 > 0:09:40all the men would be there like lions looking for an antelope with a limp. We're like...
0:09:41 > 0:09:46If you left it until ten to two, what you got is what you deserved.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49And that's the way it used to work.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53There used to be music on all night and then they'd come to a point,
0:09:53 > 0:09:58it'd be ten to two and the DJ said, "It's ten to two, let's put a slowie on." Then you'd grab a girl.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02That was where you'd been looking at a girl all night
0:10:02 > 0:10:05and this was your opportunity to rub your erection against her.
0:10:05 > 0:10:11That's what we did. That was our form of text messaging, that was it.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16But we also had the gamble because now, what you've got,
0:10:16 > 0:10:18you've got mobile phones.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22You've got the ability to give a number straight away, to swap.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26We didn't have that. We used to write it and give it to them
0:10:26 > 0:10:29and hope that they would phone up.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33It's amazing that we even bred!
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Because you would give the number to someone who was drunk
0:10:37 > 0:10:40and hope they'd remember who you were, and then phone up, and then,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43when they phoned up, there was no answer machine,
0:10:43 > 0:10:45there was your mum!
0:10:47 > 0:10:51And if your mum didn't like the sound of her voice,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53you never even knew she phoned!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57The problem with me, as I said before,
0:10:57 > 0:11:02is I met a girl from another world, I met a girl from Manchester,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04and so I emigrated.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09And that's what happens. Men emigrate, we emigrate.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Women don't emigrate because you've got the prize, we haven't.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17If you're a man and you fall in love with a girl, you see her and go,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"I love you."
0:11:20 > 0:11:24And she goes, "I know."
0:11:26 > 0:11:28"I love you."
0:11:28 > 0:11:33And you go, "But I don't like where you live."
0:11:35 > 0:11:36"I don't give a shit.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41"These live where I live."
0:11:43 > 0:11:44"I like them."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"Well, you'll have to live here then, won't you?"
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Then you move there and never bleedin' see them again!
0:11:53 > 0:11:57But to find love, the most important thing you've got to do
0:11:57 > 0:12:00is you've got to impress the opposite sex...
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Sadly, being an only child and a trainspotter,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09you haven't got too much idea of what to say to a girl
0:12:09 > 0:12:11when you wanted to take her out.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14I would stand very nervously, shuffling from foot to foot,
0:12:14 > 0:12:18with clammy hands and a cold sore in waiting.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22I used to have a thing about walking across tables with lots of glasses,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24naked, in my heels.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25And my diamonds.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I actually still do it.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32When I was 16, I had more confidence than anyone I knew, I was a proper little stud.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37Women wanted me, men wanted to be me. I had lots of hair.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41And then I started going bald and I was a slaphead.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44A lot of people aren't too attracted to the fact that
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I'm dealing with a lot of blood and guts every day,
0:12:47 > 0:12:48I cut a lot of meat up.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I pull heads off dead chicks.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I've decided to go for the Bruce Willis look now, the mean man.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59But I look more like Danny DeVito than Bruce Willis!
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I'm usually covered in sweat and pooh
0:13:02 > 0:13:06and that's not very attractive to most men.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Now, I know there's people in here tonight from St Helens,
0:13:13 > 0:13:17who are thinking, "Sweat and pooh, what's wrong with that?"
0:13:18 > 0:13:23But it is difficult because the politics have changed of how you impress the opposite sex.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27I went to a mate's house recently, I went to make a cup of tea.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31I opened the cupboard. In his cupboard, he had the full range
0:13:31 > 0:13:35of tea lights. Now, let's be honest, tea lights.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39We didn't even know what tea lights were before IKEA came.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41None of us had tea lights.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45I was a product of the three-day week when we had proper blackouts,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49when a candle was a candle, not a little dwarf candle in its own tray.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52A proper candle. That's when you needed a candle.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56I don't remember my mum, during the blackouts, saying to my dad,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"Listen, Ernie, can you find any tea lights?"
0:13:58 > 0:14:02And my dad saying, "Yeah, love, they're over there by the potpourri."
0:14:05 > 0:14:08But now, I said to him, "Why have you got all these tea lights?"
0:14:08 > 0:14:12He said, "You need them. If you bring a chick back to your flat
0:14:12 > 0:14:16"and you're a single man and you put tea lights everywhere,
0:14:16 > 0:14:21"she thinks, 'Oh, he's sensitive! I might have sex with him!'"
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Not surprisingly, he's still single.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28But things do change. There's one thing that always happens,
0:14:28 > 0:14:33particularly when you've been married for a while or lived with a woman for a while.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36And that's when you get the opportunity to go away, on a stag do
0:14:36 > 0:14:39or a mates weekend, you always get that look.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42That look that says, "Oh, you're off, are you?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"You're off with your mates, are you?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Off on a weekend with your mates, are you?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"Going to be having a drink, are you, eh? Eh?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51"Going to be getting pissed up with your mates?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"Going to be at the bar, having a drink?
0:14:53 > 0:14:57"Going clubbing? Going clubbing, are you? Will you be dancing, eh?
0:14:57 > 0:15:02"Chatting up women? Going to be chatting up women? Hmm..."
0:15:03 > 0:15:08I'm going to let every woman in the country know that that's not going to happen.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12When a man has lived with a woman for more than five years,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14don't worry about him, let him go.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16He's not going to chat anyone up.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Cos when you've lived with a woman for more than five years,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22you don't know how.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31Cos somehow, during those five years, you suck the chat-up lines out of our heads.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35It's true. When you've lived with a woman for more than five years,
0:15:35 > 0:15:37you only know how to ask for sex one way.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41You can't walk up to someone you don't know in the bar
0:15:41 > 0:15:43and just press into her back.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49CHEERING
0:15:55 > 0:16:00And just hope she turns round and says, "Oh, go on then.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03"You do the kids in the morning."
0:16:04 > 0:16:10Part of the reason you stay married is so that you don't have to try and impress the opposite sex
0:16:10 > 0:16:13and to avoid the hell of dating.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19On a first date, I like to take girls to KFC.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23You get chicken and it's cheap and it's fun.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25A mate of mine set me up on a blind date.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27He said, "I've got this really fit girl for you."
0:16:27 > 0:16:29He was going out with the mate.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34I said, "Fine, I'll go along with that." Anyway, she stunk, she was really sweaty.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I didn't want to give off any snogging vibes
0:16:37 > 0:16:39so I just stood my distance.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43The benches outside Asda, McDonald's, the park,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46you get me? Them kind of low-price friendly places.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I don't think I've ever been on a date.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51All the blokes I've ever been out with,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I've just kind of picked up in the pub.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55My first date with my boyfriend, he picked me up from work.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I was wearing little shorts,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and my vest which was torn and holes,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I had blood up my arms, my hair was frizzy,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05pooh splattered up my legs.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Er...but he really liked it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Kevin's idea of impressing me when we first got together
0:17:12 > 0:17:15was taking me to a good darts match on a Monday night,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19in a pub where you'd wipe your feet on the way out, not the way in!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21There's nothing wrong with darts at all!
0:17:21 > 0:17:26I think the main difference now between people dating,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29as opposed to even five years ago, is probably Facebook.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32A mate of mine is having a baby with a woman he met off the internet.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- I could spend hours on Facebook. - Yep.- Just perfect.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40My opinion of internet dating? Er, not really for me.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43My fiance stumbled across me on the internet and sent me a message
0:17:43 > 0:17:45to my YouTube account.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48There's a list of things they want, the females want.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50"Must be solvent, must be successful".
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Three years later, we've never spent a day apart!
0:17:57 > 0:18:02Internet dating, let's be honest, that's something new.
0:18:02 > 0:18:08I think we can all guess what site her boyfriend stumbled across.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15What I need to ask... I don't know if this will actually reveal anything
0:18:15 > 0:18:21but is there anyone in this room who's ever done internet dating?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Now... Oh-ho-ho!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29You know what, I thought there's no chance, I thought it'd be like dogging.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32If you ask people, they'll go...
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- If you don't mind me asking, what's your name?- Chris.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- Chris and?- Shirley. - Chris and Shirley.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- And I'm assuming that you're here together?- No.- No.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47You're not here together? You just happened to sit next to each other
0:18:47 > 0:18:48and have both done internet dating.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53You know what that shows you? Leave it to fate. You never know what'll happen.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03The whole premise of internet dating
0:19:03 > 0:19:06is you put in a profile of someone you want.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08You say what you want and hopefully that's what you get.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13I got a mate who put in that he wanted a blonde with reasonable-sized breasts,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15who was posh but not too bright.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17He got Boris Johnson.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I've got to be honest with you,
0:19:22 > 0:19:26the internet wasn't as prevalent when I was on the dating scene.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30In fact, internet dating wasn't invented, we just had Ceefax.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32With Ceefax, it was shit.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37It's very difficult to cop off with a woman who looks like she's made of Lego.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43But of course, the worst thing in the world is meeting the parents.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I hate it, I hate meeting girls' families!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50If you meet anyone's parents, they'll hate you
0:19:50 > 0:19:53and the first thing they'll say is, "Don't you hurt her!"
0:19:53 > 0:19:56They always hate the guy, you see it in the films, they hate the guy.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01And I just hate it. If I'm seeing a girl, no family please.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05First time I met my wife's parents was a nightmare. And it was me,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I was cocky, I don't know what it was, I was like, "I'll show them."
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I had a vest right down there,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14my chest hanging out, "All right, mate, how's it going?"
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Kevin wanted to pick me up with his passion wagon
0:20:17 > 0:20:20from where I was living with my parents.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I had to convince Kevin to wait round the corner...
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- It was an Escort, Mark III. - Great, really exciting!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Big winkle-picker, big cowboy boots,
0:20:29 > 0:20:36I was like, "You're lucky to have me as your daughter's wife...son, whatever, you're lucky..."
0:20:36 > 0:20:40My wife was cringing there, couldn't get me out of the house fast enough.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42It was a boy racer's car and that wasn't the image...
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Kevin wasn't that, so it gave him the wrong image.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Him and the car didn't go together. You'd have been better off with a Mini Metro!
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Ah... Thanks, love.
0:20:56 > 0:21:02Did you hear that noise that came from Kevin then? "Ah..."
0:21:02 > 0:21:07- Ah...- That's like a dog whistle noise that only married men could hear his sadness.
0:21:07 > 0:21:13"Ah..." You know all his mates are going, "Mini Metro? Kev, you're a dickhead."
0:21:13 > 0:21:17But it is difficult when you meet someone new cos things are different.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19When I met my wife - she's posh,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22she's middle-class, very different from me.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25When I first met her, I remember the first time she ever said to me,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"Do you want some couscous?" I thought it was a sexual position.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32I said, "Where shall I get changed?"
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Then you've got to meet her parents and that was difficult as well.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40Melanie, my wife, her dad's one of those people who answers the phone by telling you the phone number.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44And that's all he said to me for two years, 3-5-4-8,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46that's all he ever said!
0:21:46 > 0:21:51When I first knocked at the door, I expected him to tell me the address.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56But he was all right. The biggest disaster was when I met her mum
0:21:56 > 0:22:01because her mum at the time was living in the Lake District and we went up to see her.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04We went up on a Sunday, and it was time for Sunday lunch,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and it was when football started being played on a Sunday.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10So you could watch it on the television.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14And we were sat there, and her mum tried to engage me in conversation,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16as she was preparing the Sunday lunch.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20And without even thinking about it, subconsciously, I nodded,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24reached over and just highered up the television.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34Now, fair play to Melanie's mum, she never mentioned that.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Even though that must have really annoyed her,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39she never mentioned it until we split up.
0:22:39 > 0:22:45Then she said, "Well, it'll suit you now, cos you can watch as much telly as you want."
0:22:45 > 0:22:47I said, "Do you mind? You're in the way."
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I don't see her a lot now, she lives in Spain
0:22:50 > 0:22:54which is not as far away as you think, to be honest.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02The worst thing is, when a mate says to you that he's getting married,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05you don't think, "What a joyous union of two people who are in love!
0:23:05 > 0:23:09"Hopefully they can create a harmonious family."
0:23:09 > 0:23:12No, you think, "Stag do, stag do, stag do!"
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Stag do's? They're all much of a muchness, aren't they?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19They're pretty much everyone goes out, gets drunk, leers at women,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22letches at women and then goes back home drunk.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25People just change, they're weird on stag do's.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Big drink-up, bit of a pub crawl...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Weeeh... Banter.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Make your mate look really ridiculous.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Let's get arrested!
0:23:32 > 0:23:36My stag do would be so sick, it would...
0:23:36 > 0:23:37The music! The bass...
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I hate it when I'm listening to music and there's no bass!
0:23:40 > 0:23:44The most memorable stag do I went to was my younger brother
0:23:44 > 0:23:46and it was in Amsterdam.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I think the way the British do their stag do's is really fun,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52everybody does something different.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57My friends picking up ladyboys has been twice now so yeah, that's what's happened!
0:23:57 > 0:24:01A lot of the things that happened in Amsterdam will remain in Amsterdam.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04I couldn't think of anything worse, drinking with a load of girls,
0:24:04 > 0:24:06watching some stripper. It's not my thing.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09On my friend's hen party, it was crazy.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11We had some tasks set aside she had to do
0:24:11 > 0:24:14and one of them was to go round and find a bloke
0:24:14 > 0:24:19to take his boxer shorts off and she was to wear them on her head for the rest of the night.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21At the end of the night, she went to take them off
0:24:21 > 0:24:26and she noticed there was a massive pooh stain inside the boxer shorts!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36You have got to wonder, haven't you?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39If two of your mates had copped off with a ladyboy,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42you'd go somewhere else. You'd do something different.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46And stag do's have gone mad. I got married 16 years ago,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49my stag do was a traditional stag do.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53You know, it was Yates's Wine Lodge, got stripped naked,
0:24:53 > 0:24:58got chained to a gate. After 16 years of marriage, I miss that gate.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02But then things changed and everyone started going over to Amsterdam
0:25:02 > 0:25:03and that was mental.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06The first time I went to Amsterdam, I couldn't believe it.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10I tried to stay and get a job as a window-cleaner.
0:25:12 > 0:25:17I said to the girl, "Listen, it'll be dead cheap, I don't need the water or bucket or anything..."
0:25:19 > 0:25:23And that's a very difficult place. If you go on a stag do to Amsterdam,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25you come home with a credit-card slip
0:25:25 > 0:25:27from a place called "Amsterdam's Secret Attic",
0:25:27 > 0:25:32it's very difficult trying to pretend that that's actually Anne Frank's house.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39But hen nights have now become a big industry as well.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41And the thing is about hen nights,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44you are much more graphic in hen nights.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48It's all "a little bit of fun" but hen nights always involve
0:25:48 > 0:25:52penis-shaped deelyboppers coming out of their heads.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Penis-shaped straws,
0:25:55 > 0:26:00the bride-to-be always has a penis-shaped balloon.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01That's just wrong!
0:26:01 > 0:26:05If you were on a stag do and you had a fanny-shaped balloon...
0:26:08 > 0:26:13That's if you can buy one and you've got to look on very special sites to get them, to be honest!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19And there's also this thing about dressing up the bride-to-be.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23There's that thing of saying, "Let's give her really little wings"
0:26:23 > 0:26:26cos you look at her and think, "You'll never take off in them!"
0:26:26 > 0:26:31And this thing as well of putting an L-plate on the bride.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I don't know who started that but let's be honest,
0:26:33 > 0:26:37if you're going to put motor-vehicle signs on a girl,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41let's be honest, let's put "Wide Load".
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Or "Baby On Board".
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Anyway, we've got to move on to the big one,
0:26:49 > 0:26:54the big one that everyone thinks of, particularly little girls - the dream wedding.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Took ten years to get Joanne to marry me, three attempts.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- But, yeah...- Two really, one was rubbish.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- It was.- It wasn't...it was.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I've got no intention of getting married
0:27:11 > 0:27:14cos it'll just end in divorce.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17What's the point in spending 30 grand on a wedding?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20If I got married, I'd have a circus theme for my wedding.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23My dream wedding would be the celebrity-style wedding.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24I'd like it quite traditional.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I'd ride to the event, which would be a marquee.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Really expensive, you know, in a castle, you've got the huge dress.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I'd quite like Westminster Abbey.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I'd wear my all-in-one, which is red and silver
0:27:35 > 0:27:37and I'd have a black train on it.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- Loads of family and friends. - Loads of animals.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Florence + The Machine to sing.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Huge ring, massive party afterwards.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I'd ride in on a camel, I'd have fire-breathers...
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Fairy lights in trees, and...
0:27:49 > 0:27:53The business, but again, really expensive!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Don't get me wrong, it'd be a nice day but...
0:27:55 > 0:28:00I'd rather spend it on an extension or a car, or a holiday, or a hair transplant!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Get her a boob job, we're laughing!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Just give me a cheer if you're married?
0:28:09 > 0:28:11AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:28:11 > 0:28:13And give me a cheer if you're not.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16AUDIENCE CHEERS LOUDLY
0:28:16 > 0:28:21That was just so much more energy in that second cheer, wasn't there?
0:28:21 > 0:28:26That first cheer was "OK, normally of a Saturday, we're just looking at each other,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29"thinking, 'Why don't you just hurry up and die?
0:28:32 > 0:28:35"'Then I can get the house and do what I want with my life.'"
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Did you... Are you married? You're married to him? What's your name?
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- Jackie.- Jackie and?- Mark.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Jackie and Mark. How long have you been married?
0:28:45 > 0:28:4713 years.
0:28:47 > 0:28:4913 years? Oooh!
0:28:49 > 0:28:50AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- A child bride.- A child bride.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Why, where are you from? Norfolk?
0:28:59 > 0:29:01Where did you meet?
0:29:01 > 0:29:04- At work.- I can't understand it when people meet at work,
0:29:04 > 0:29:08why their marriages often fail. Surely, when you meet at work,
0:29:08 > 0:29:12every year you sit down, you have an appraisal. You look at each other and go,
0:29:12 > 0:29:16"How do you think you're doing this year?
0:29:16 > 0:29:21"What's your objectives for next year? Where do you see yourself in five years' time?"
0:29:21 > 0:29:22"Living somewhere else."
0:29:24 > 0:29:27You'll never admit to being married again, will you?
0:29:30 > 0:29:34What you can't see, she's got a lovely warm face and in his eyes,
0:29:34 > 0:29:37you can see he's thinking, "Will you just piss off!"
0:29:41 > 0:29:43The big thing is, you've got to make the cut.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47The last wedding we were invited to, we never made the cut.
0:29:47 > 0:29:48We made the evening do
0:29:48 > 0:29:52which means you know there's other people they like more than you.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Even though they'd only invited us to the evening do -
0:29:55 > 0:29:58you know who you are, Richard and Margaret -
0:29:58 > 0:30:02you only invited us to the evening do, we still got the wedding list.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04There's not an evening wedding list, a cheap one,
0:30:04 > 0:30:06you still get the wedding list.
0:30:06 > 0:30:11The wedding list is always from John Lewis, where no-one shops unless someone else is paying.
0:30:11 > 0:30:16We got this wedding list and on it, it had goblets.
0:30:16 > 0:30:1824 goblets.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Each goblet cost 12.99.
0:30:21 > 0:30:27You'd never buy 24 goblets at 12.99 if you were paying!
0:30:27 > 0:30:3124... In fact, who needs 24 goblets?
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Unless you're a Viking and you're having a party.
0:30:36 > 0:30:38The other thing that's changed as well with weddings
0:30:38 > 0:30:42is the fact that now we have disposable cameras.
0:30:42 > 0:30:47Every time you turn up at a wedding now, on the table, there's a bunch of disposable cameras.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Your job as the wedding guest is to take photographs
0:30:50 > 0:30:53with your camera and then you leave it at the end,
0:30:53 > 0:30:55so that the bride and groom can get it developed
0:30:55 > 0:30:59and they can see what the wedding looked like for you.
0:30:59 > 0:31:04That's a lovely thought but we all know, every man looks at every other man when there's a disposable camera
0:31:04 > 0:31:06and thinks, "Cock shot".
0:31:08 > 0:31:12Come on, lads, one of us has got to do the cock shot.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14And the maddest thing about the cock shot
0:31:14 > 0:31:19is it's the worst joke in the world cos you're never there when the joke's revealed,
0:31:19 > 0:31:22when they're looking through the pictures, "There's Auntie Marg...
0:31:22 > 0:31:24"Oh, look, there's Uncle Barry's cock."
0:31:24 > 0:31:27It's nice that he brought it with him, eh?
0:31:28 > 0:31:30I've got to say, that works at wedding,
0:31:30 > 0:31:33don't do it at christenings, it changes the atmosphere.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36And also now, there's this common thing as well
0:31:36 > 0:31:38of when you sit down at the table -
0:31:38 > 0:31:41it happened at the last wedding me and Melanie went to -
0:31:41 > 0:31:45and everyone at the meal received a lottery ticket.
0:31:45 > 0:31:47I thought, "That's wonderful, that is."
0:31:47 > 0:31:53There's wonderful honesty in that of saying, "Look, we're having a gamble, why don't you?"
0:31:55 > 0:31:59But let's be frank, we all love a good wedding.
0:31:59 > 0:32:04My only two stipulations for the wedding, because my wife did everything else,
0:32:04 > 0:32:06I said, "Look, I just want to organise the cars."
0:32:06 > 0:32:08So I had two massive white stretch limos.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Back 20 years ago, no-one had them.
0:32:10 > 0:32:15And, house and garage music at the after-party, at the party,
0:32:15 > 0:32:18I didn't want normal wedding music, that'd drive me mad.
0:32:18 > 0:32:20I wanted busting eardrums, massive speakers,
0:32:20 > 0:32:25all the grannies getting their ears blown off, that's what I wanted and that's what I got.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27Our wedding day was very emotional.
0:32:27 > 0:32:31I was fine, stood at the top of the aisle,
0:32:31 > 0:32:33and then the music started.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35Not just tears, I...
0:32:35 > 0:32:36SHE IMITATES SOBBING
0:32:36 > 0:32:39The whole works, very like you're watching the saddest film,
0:32:39 > 0:32:41rather than the happiest day of your life.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44As I was walking down, I could hear people saying,
0:32:44 > 0:32:47"I don't think she wants to get married, she's crying!"
0:32:47 > 0:32:50At our wedding, my dad had a few to drink...
0:32:51 > 0:32:54As they do...
0:32:54 > 0:32:58And he made a joke about him being an OAP.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02He actually said, "Well, when Nikki first brought Pete round,
0:33:02 > 0:33:07"I said to her, 'Is your new boyfriend shy or something?'
0:33:07 > 0:33:11"Nikki said, 'No, why's that?' So I said, 'I just looked out the window
0:33:11 > 0:33:13"'and he's brought his grandad along.'"
0:33:13 > 0:33:15The worst speech I've ever heard at a wedding
0:33:15 > 0:33:19was the best man got up to do his speech and he went,
0:33:19 > 0:33:22"Well, I've had some fantastic threesomes with this man,
0:33:22 > 0:33:26"I haven't bedded the bridesmaids but the mother-in-laws got it last night".
0:33:26 > 0:33:30When I came to do my speech at the wedding, I said to him,
0:33:30 > 0:33:34"Remember, Andrew, you're not so much losing a daughter
0:33:34 > 0:33:37"as gaining an old-age pensioner."
0:33:37 > 0:33:40At the end of the speech, the bride was crying,
0:33:40 > 0:33:44everyone was just in bits, there was no-one making a sound except for one man...
0:33:46 > 0:33:49At the end of the night, a man in a wheelchair came up to him
0:33:49 > 0:33:53and said, "I've been waiting all my life to hear something like that!"
0:33:53 > 0:33:56He was the only person that found it funny.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58They still don't speak to him to this day - not good!
0:34:03 > 0:34:05That's the worst thing about it at a wedding.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08You sit there as the groom and you look over and you go,
0:34:08 > 0:34:13"Is that the best man I know? Gary..."
0:34:14 > 0:34:18It doesn't matter cos once the wedding's done, life changes anyway.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20Things change.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22You see it changing in your house.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Tampon boxes turn up.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27They used to be hidden. All of a sudden, they're just there.
0:34:27 > 0:34:32They're in your face, like flags on a beach saying, "You can't go swimming today or you might die."
0:34:34 > 0:34:38I think also, you can plot a relationship
0:34:38 > 0:34:41by the way you used to give each other presents.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44When you're first married, giving each other presents is special.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Christmas comes along, you can't wait for it.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50I remember what it was like, it was great
0:34:50 > 0:34:54cos you get that first present and you go home and wrap it up.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57You give it to them, and they go, "That's perfect."
0:34:57 > 0:34:58You go, "I know...
0:34:58 > 0:35:00"So are you."
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Then you get to that second phase in a relationship, you say,
0:35:04 > 0:35:08"I'm going to buy you a present so why don't you come and pick it?"
0:35:08 > 0:35:14And you come to the shop and pick it. Then you go to the till and pay for it, and at the till,
0:35:14 > 0:35:15you take it off them
0:35:15 > 0:35:18and you wrap it up like you're hiding it.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Then you give it to them, they open it and go, "That's perfect."
0:35:21 > 0:35:23You go, "I know, you picked it!"
0:35:23 > 0:35:27Then you get to that third stage of a relationship
0:35:27 > 0:35:31where you say, "I'm going to buy you a present, so why don't you come to the shop and pick it?"
0:35:31 > 0:35:33And they come to the shop and pick it.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35You go to the till and pay for it and at the till,
0:35:35 > 0:35:37you go, "Here you are."
0:35:37 > 0:35:40And then you get to that fourth stage,
0:35:40 > 0:35:43possibly the stage that I've been at, where you say,
0:35:43 > 0:35:46"Look, you know I'm going to buy you a present,
0:35:46 > 0:35:49"I know you're going to buy me a present,
0:35:49 > 0:35:51"so why don't we just keep the money?"
0:35:53 > 0:35:56And that's wrong. You've got to try and keep the magic alive.
0:35:56 > 0:36:01When we first got married, what I used to do at Christmas, I'd get Melanie a special present.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05Then I'd get all the little presents that were clues to where the special present was.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09Then on a CD, I'd put all the songs that she'd listen to
0:36:09 > 0:36:11throughout the year, all her favourite songs.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15While I played the songs, she'd go looking for the little presents.
0:36:15 > 0:36:19Every time she found one, which was a clue to where the big present was, she'd look at me
0:36:19 > 0:36:22and her little nose would wrinkle up.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26And she got dimples and she'd go like that with her dimples.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30Little dimples, little nose and she'd look and go, "Oooh..."
0:36:31 > 0:36:33And I'd go, "Oooh..."
0:36:37 > 0:36:42You know, after 16 years, the way they breathe...
0:36:46 > 0:36:49You know what I mean? It's just constant, isn't it?
0:36:49 > 0:36:53Every day, in and out, in and out.
0:36:53 > 0:36:57You know things have changed when the idea of having a night away
0:36:57 > 0:37:01sounds like, "Do you want to have an argument in a car for three hours?"
0:37:02 > 0:37:04You can see that the spark's died.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07Something happened to us recently where I realised the spark was dying
0:37:07 > 0:37:11because she'd filled the bath, my wife had filled the bath.
0:37:11 > 0:37:16She wasn't in the bath but she'd filled the bath for preparation for getting in the bath.
0:37:16 > 0:37:20I walked into the bathroom and I needed a dump.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22I didn't have it in the bath!
0:37:22 > 0:37:24It hasn't got that bad!
0:37:26 > 0:37:30I needed a dump so I went, and I proceeded to have a dump.
0:37:30 > 0:37:34And she came into the bathroom whilst I was having a dump and got in the bath!
0:37:36 > 0:37:38And neither of us said anything.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42I thought, "Something's gone wrong here."
0:37:42 > 0:37:45Something's gone wrong, things have changed.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47So I thought, "I need to inject the magic back."
0:37:47 > 0:37:51So what I did... I know this is going to split the room
0:37:51 > 0:37:55but what I did is I bought two tickets to see Michael Buble.
0:37:55 > 0:38:00I know, already the women have thought, "That's quite nice,"
0:38:00 > 0:38:02and the men have thought, "Cock!"
0:38:04 > 0:38:10Not only that, I bought tickets to go and see Michael Buble in Paris.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:38:12 > 0:38:13And then the dust cloud came.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15LOUD LAUGHTER
0:38:18 > 0:38:21So then I had to buy train tickets to go and see Michael Buble
0:38:21 > 0:38:24but everyone else was on the Eurostar
0:38:24 > 0:38:30so the only tickets I could get were the premium business tickets on Eurostar.
0:38:30 > 0:38:33So we're on Eurostar, in premium business.
0:38:33 > 0:38:37Sat there, drinking wine, I've got Michael Buble tickets in my pocket.
0:38:37 > 0:38:41I'm thinking what every man in that situation would think,
0:38:41 > 0:38:44"This has got to be at least a blow job!"
0:38:53 > 0:38:55FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC
0:38:57 > 0:39:00We arrive in Paris.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03The seats are excellent seats.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08We watch the warm-up band, it's an a cappella group, it's very good.
0:39:08 > 0:39:13They walk off. A bloke walked onto the stage in jeans, with another bloke.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16Melanie said, "That's Michael Buble!"
0:39:16 > 0:39:17"Oh."
0:39:17 > 0:39:20He walked on, with his interpreter.
0:39:20 > 0:39:26Michael Buble said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm really sorry
0:39:26 > 0:39:29"but my drummer is sick, he's got a problem with his heart..."
0:39:29 > 0:39:30HE WINCES
0:39:31 > 0:39:33And the interpreter went...
0:39:33 > 0:39:34HE IMITATES FRENCH
0:39:34 > 0:39:36Bah bah bah bah, bah mon...
0:39:41 > 0:39:47So Michael Buble said, "Because of that, I know you've all come and it's important I sing for you
0:39:47 > 0:39:50"but he's my friend and I can't sing without him."
0:39:50 > 0:39:52And the interpreter went...
0:39:52 > 0:39:56HE IMITATES FRENCH
0:39:58 > 0:40:02You could tell the difference in the cultures right at that moment.
0:40:02 > 0:40:07As Michael Buble said, "I can't sing without my friend on stage,"
0:40:07 > 0:40:09you could see the French reaction.
0:40:09 > 0:40:14They went, "What a beautiful gesture from one man to another man,
0:40:14 > 0:40:16"to show his love for his friend."
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Whereas the English went...
0:40:18 > 0:40:21"Oh, for fuck's sake, man!"
0:40:23 > 0:40:27"He's a drummer! There's loads of drummers!
0:40:27 > 0:40:29"Def Leppard have got one with one arm!"
0:40:29 > 0:40:31MUSIC: "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard
0:40:35 > 0:40:40I'm sat there, looking at my wife, going, "I've done my bit!"
0:40:43 > 0:40:48But the most important thing in any marriage is keeping the spark alive.
0:40:48 > 0:40:53- We keep the spark alive with humour and romance, don't we?- Yes.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57- Two key ingredients.- Two key ingredients. I'm an old romantic
0:40:57 > 0:41:01- and I'm a bit silly at times, aren't I?- Yes, he's a soppy romantic.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04- It goes a long way though. - Nikki says I wind her up
0:41:04 > 0:41:08but even with shopping trolleys in there, you know.
0:41:08 > 0:41:13I sort of take the shopping trolley and I go, "Beep beep! This vehicle is reversing!"
0:41:13 > 0:41:18It's humour. Humour, as well as love, makes the world go round.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20You need that in a relationship, it's fun.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23And we're romantic. I call her "Baby Boo".
0:41:23 > 0:41:26And I call him "My Angel".
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Yeah, so we've got these little pet names.
0:41:28 > 0:41:31Mind you, we're forever changing the names, aren't we?
0:41:31 > 0:41:34- Yeah, but they're the main ones. - Yes, Baby Boo and Angel.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38I love you, My Angel!
0:41:43 > 0:41:46There you go, ladies and gentlemen, that's love and marriage.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48I've learnt a few things tonight.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52One, most blokes would rather pay for a boob job than get married.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55To get a girlfriend, you need to have enough credit.
0:41:55 > 0:42:00And to keep the spark alive, you've got to make noises with shopping trolleys.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02Beep beep, that's humour.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06Good night, Baby Boo, I've been John Bishop. Thank you, good night.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:14 > 0:42:17E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk