0:00:19 > 0:00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Thank you. Thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:47On each show, I'll be looking at a different subject that affects everyone in Britain.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49And tonight, it's growing up.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54That's supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Although it doesn't always feel like that.
0:00:54 > 0:01:00It would've depressed me immensely when I was five years old and wet myself in the school playground
0:01:00 > 0:01:05if someone had come up to me and said, "Enjoy yourself, son, this is as good as it gets".
0:01:05 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:10To help me understand what that subject means to Britain,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I've interviewed hundreds of British people about it.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Some of them you'll know, some of them you may not.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21This is a taster of what we've got to look forward to from them tonight.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- That's the most impressive thing you can do.- Ever.- I just...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- And worm around. - Stop doing that immediately!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Yes! HE LAUGHS
0:01:29 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:32 > 0:01:35There'll be more words of wisdom from them later.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38As well as the odd sketch that explains what's going on in my head.
0:01:38 > 0:01:45So, growing up. I'm assuming everyone around here grew up in Manchester.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Is that right or wrong? Yes? No?
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- Where did you grow up, mate? - Huddersfield.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- Huddersfield? That's not really fair, is it? - LAUGHTER
0:01:56 > 0:02:00To be honest, if you've come from Huddersfield,
0:02:00 > 0:02:05- I can see why you're still dressed in the 70s. - LAUGHTER
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- What's your name?- Mark. - Do you still live in Huddersfield?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- No.- How old were you when you left?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- It's not that hard, Mark. - LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:20- 30.- You left when you were 30?- Yes.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- So you've been away, what, a fortnight? - LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- Close. - Cos I thought you were going to say, "I left when I was 12" or something
0:02:28 > 0:02:33and then I was going say, "What was the happiest memory you've got about growing up in Huddersfield?"
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- I could've picked anyone in this audience. - LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:42But I had to pick someone who can't even remember his own life!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:48There must have been something good, Mark. It's Huddersfield!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- The pubs. - LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:54The best thing about being a kid in Huddersfield
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- was the pubs. - LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- They used to sell sweets. - The pubs used to sell sweets?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02So that's where alcopops was invented.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07They used to put your sherbet dips in the pint of bitter and go, "Go on, son, it's a cocktail".
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- LAUGHTER - Who have you come with, Mark?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- I've come with Joanne.- And Joanne, are you from Huddersfield?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Erm, no. - LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:19You can carry on if you want, Joanne.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I'm from Halifax, which is just down the road from Huddersfield.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- LAUGHTER - I tell you what, hey-hey!
0:03:27 > 0:03:30You're the Torvill and Dean of Yorkshire, aren't you?
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- So how did you two meet? - In a pub in Huddersfield.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:40APPLAUSE
0:03:41 > 0:03:46We were skint when I was growing up, and I don't mean, like, pretend skint,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- I don't mean like, "Me plasma's not big" skint. - LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:56- Properly skint. I used to watch Swap Shop and have nothing to swap. - LAUGHTER
0:03:56 > 0:04:01I'd be sat there, there'd be some kid from Chester trying to swap a bicycle and a pair of roller skates,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I'd have Connect Four with three pieces in.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:11As I say, I was born in Liverpool and I didn't grow up in Liverpool.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16What happened with us is, we were living in a house in Liverpool and they knocked it down.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- They phoned us up first. - LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22They said, "We're going to knock your house down".
0:04:22 > 0:04:28They took all these big parts of the middle of Liverpool, and they did it with a lot of northern cities,
0:04:28 > 0:04:33they knocked the middle down and they picked up all these Scousers and they moved them to spill towns,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36these council estates in places like Speke and Kirkby,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39and they put us in a place called Runcorn.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44- It was probably the first sign of ethnic cleansing. - LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:47And they dropped us in this place called Runcorn.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52If you've ever been to Runcorn, it's a world away from Liverpool when you first arrive there
0:04:52 > 0:04:56cos it was surrounded by fields. We didn't know what to expect.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00I remember going out with my brother when we first arrived
0:05:00 > 0:05:04and him walking up to the cows in the fields going, "Look at the size of the dogs here".
0:05:04 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:13We just didn't know what to expect. But like everybody else, I followed the lead of my brother,
0:05:13 > 0:05:18cos brothers and sisters play an essential part in your life, particularly if you're from Norwich
0:05:18 > 0:05:22- where they could also be your parents. - LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:27So what did the people of Britain have to say about their siblings?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Me and my sister used to fight all the time.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Me and my brother used to fight about everything. - It was clothes or...
0:05:41 > 0:05:44CD player, CDs, even girls.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47We used to squabble about anything. Like most children,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49we squabbled about nothing.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- He'd beat me up, give me a dead arm, lock me in the cupboard. - I got locked in a drawer.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58- He was pretty nasty.- He threatened to burn my willy off with a lighter.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01We were never really that bad when it came to fights
0:06:01 > 0:06:04but when we did, it'd be the toys that would get it.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07We used to steal her dolls and hang them from trees.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12I just grabbed her favourite Barbie and ripped a leg off it and threw it down a drain.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Give them a little bomber's vest of French bangers,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17douse them in petrol, set it all off, film it...
0:06:17 > 0:06:21And we called that Vietnam Barbie, which pissed her off no end.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25And then, in the morning when she comes down, we put the video on of it being burnt.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29It's nice things like that that you do. It was very nice.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32APPLAUSE
0:06:36 > 0:06:38But sibling rivalry is important.
0:06:38 > 0:06:44I married a woman who's an only child, which you should never do if you've got brothers and sisters
0:06:44 > 0:06:50cos she just does not understand the role of a dead leg in a relationship.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:56And also for me, cos my brother's five years older than me,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59so he led everything that happened in my life.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04In fact, these teeth, these things here, which actually look all right now,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07they fit now, they're only there because of my brother.
0:07:07 > 0:07:13Because my brother used to knock my teeth out and then put the tooth underneath his pillow...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- LAUGHTER - ..to get money.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18So when I was five, he knocked all my teeth out.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21So my big teeth came early.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23So my head's had to grow around my teeth.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Honestly, my mum has got photographs of me
0:07:27 > 0:07:30when I was about seven and I look like an appeal poster.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- Please help. - LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:43But the day comes when you have to flee the nest and enter the real world
0:07:43 > 0:07:46and that's the day that you go to school.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51# It's a hard knock life
0:07:51 > 0:07:56I don't look back at my school days with any affection whatsoever.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I just went to school to muck around, to be honest.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I'm mucking about, throwing things, making planes.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Answer all the teachers back, bunk off lessons, class clown.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Parents evening, for me, was always terrifying.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I would just be so...scared.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I got the cane for "infringing canteen regulation".
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Dad just came back and he went, "Get inside".
0:08:22 > 0:08:27Every teacher has said you're just...rubbish.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30My teachers hated me. It's really weird, because I got the grades.
0:08:30 > 0:08:36I got quite good marks in my reports, but effort was always E.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I was very lazy at school, so I did nothing.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Did no homework, did no GCSEs. And look at me now, I own a sweet shop!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46APPLAUSE
0:08:50 > 0:08:53That's lovely. He followed his childhood dream.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57What boy of seven doesn't want to own a sweet shop?
0:08:57 > 0:09:02He achieved it. But part of the social experiment that I lived through when I moved to Runcorn
0:09:02 > 0:09:05meant that we went to a giant comprehensive.
0:09:05 > 0:09:11My school was a giant comprehensive. They said, "You're all equal now". It wasn't like a grammar school.
0:09:11 > 0:09:18"You're all the same, all equal, we're going to treat everybody exactly the same.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23"But can you do us a favour? Can you go home and wrap your books up in wallpaper...
0:09:23 > 0:09:28- LAUGHTER - "..just so we can have a look inside your house?"
0:09:28 > 0:09:33- LAUGHTER - There is nothing more socially divisive
0:09:33 > 0:09:38than walking into school on Monday morning with woodchip round your books!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43APPLAUSE
0:09:46 > 0:09:49And all the posh kids off the private estates with Anaglypta.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER
0:09:51 > 0:09:54But the education system's different now.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I was about 12 or 13 when I was at school
0:09:58 > 0:10:02and they phoned my mum and dad up and said, "Look, we think your John's dyslexic.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06"Can you do us a favour? Can you make sure he can carry heavy stuff?"
0:10:06 > 0:10:09LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:13And that's when living where I lived was such an advantage.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Cos my dad had higher aspirations than that. He wouldn't settle for that.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21We got in the car, we drove half an hour,
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- we got to the Welsh border. - LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:28We got out at the Welsh border.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32He pointed at the first road sign and he said, "There you go, son, you're not the only one".
0:10:32 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:38APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:46And it is true. I don't know if there's any Welsh people in here tonight, but God bless you.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Wales is there to give dyslexic people self-esteem.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54I have an ambition that one day, I want to walk into a pub
0:10:54 > 0:10:57in Wales in the middle of the Valleys
0:10:57 > 0:11:02- and put Countdown on the television. - LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Cos Countdown must make no sense to the Welsh.
0:11:04 > 0:11:10When she puts the nine letters up, they must all look at each other and go, "Well, what's the game here?"
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- LAUGHTER - That's my mam's middle name.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:26There's also a massive issue now that never existed when we were kids
0:11:26 > 0:11:29about this obesity epidemic.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34They keep on saying we've got obesity in kids, it's come to epidemic proportions.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38It's like we've got a fat kid epidemic. It's like it's a new thing.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41It's not a new thing. When we were growing up,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- every class had a fat kid. - LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Every class had a fat kid. Fat kids were evenly distributed.
0:11:48 > 0:11:53You didn't go to school and there was one class with four fat kids and one class with no fat kids.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57As the fat kids came in, the teachers went, "You're a fat kid, you go in that class,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"they need a fat kid in that class."
0:12:00 > 0:12:05And you'd go up to him and say, "What's your name?" and he'd go, "It doesn't matter what my name is.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- "I'm the fat kid." - LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:13There was always fat kids. There was. There was always fat kids.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I tell you want else there was that you don't see anymore, lazy eye.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- There was always a kid... - LAUGHTER
0:12:20 > 0:12:25There was always a kid with a lazy eye. If you're under 25, you will not believe the way we used to treat
0:12:25 > 0:12:31kids with lazy eyes. The doctor used to say, "One of your eyes isn't working very well
0:12:31 > 0:12:36"so what we're going to do is, we'll get the good eye and we'll put a patch on it."
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- LAUGHTER - "So now you can't see anything!"
0:12:38 > 0:12:42There was kids with patches bouncing off everywhere,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44waiting for their eye to stop being lazy.
0:12:44 > 0:12:50There was always a kid with a lazy eye and there was always a kid with a big shoe.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:12:59APPLAUSE
0:13:03 > 0:13:07What happened? What happened to the kid with the big shoe?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Because I've never seen an adult with a big shoe.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14And now there are no kids with big shoes.
0:13:14 > 0:13:20In schools, you'll never see a kid with a big shoe. I don't know if the fat kids have eaten them...
0:13:20 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:29The other thing that's changed as well is now, all you ever hear about with kids is bullying.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32You hear about it a lot these days. And bullying is an issue.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Nobody suggests that bullying is good.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38But we had bullying. We never had a white paper on it.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It wasn't discussed in parliament. We just got on with it.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46It wasn't bullying on the internet, either, with people poking you and writing on your wall.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51We had our own social networks. We all knew through our social network
0:13:51 > 0:13:53that Jenny was a slag.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:13:55 > 0:13:59- Cos someone painted it on a real wall. - LAUGHTER
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Now... Now the issue is cyber-bullying.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08Everyone's talking about cyber-bullying and how kids get upset when they're in their bedrooms
0:14:08 > 0:14:12and someone says something about them on Facebook and cyber-bullying's a bad thing.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16You're at a computer! Turn it off!
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- LAUGHTER - I'll tell you what bullying is. Having your head down a bog
0:14:20 > 0:14:25with the chain being flushed by sixth formers shouting, "Gaylord, gaylord, gaylord".
0:14:25 > 0:14:27LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:33When water's running through your ears and out of your nose, you can't bleeding turn it off.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Stop crying! - LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- And I'm talking about a real bog, as well, not a cyber-bog. - LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:45But there's this issue of bullying, and we've all become sensitive about it. Almost over-sensitive.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50We've got to deal with it in a different way. Parents have got to sit their kids down and say,
0:14:50 > 0:14:54"Are you really being bullied or are you just shit at fighting?"
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:59 > 0:15:03I'm not saying... Listen, I'm not belittling bullying.
0:15:03 > 0:15:08I was bullied as a kid and it was a hard thing. I remember going home to my dad, I was about 11,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12and it's a brave thing to tell your parents you're being bullied.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I said, "Dad..." He said, "What, son?"
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I said, "I'm getting bullied at school, Dad."
0:15:18 > 0:15:22He said, "What is it, son? Is it your big teeth?" I said, "No, it's not, Dad."
0:15:22 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER
0:15:28 > 0:15:31He said, "Is it those hand-me-down clothes that you've got on,
0:15:31 > 0:15:37"that mad haircut or the fact that you're a bit fatter than the rest of the kids?" I said, "No, Dad."
0:15:37 > 0:15:41He said, "Is it your lisp or the fact that you've got a little bit of a limp when you walk
0:15:41 > 0:15:45"or you're not very good at football?" I said, "No, Dad."
0:15:45 > 0:15:49He said, "Well, to be fair, they're not going for the obvious, are they?"
0:15:49 > 0:15:52LAUGHTER
0:15:52 > 0:15:56But bullying was only part of life when you're a child.
0:15:56 > 0:16:02The most intense social situation has got to be the birthday party.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11When we used to have kids' parties outside of school,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13it used to be a chance to let loose. It was mental.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17I was not your typical invitee to a children's party.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I was quite a disruptive child.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23At the end, they'd calm you down, take you off the lemonade and play sleeping lions
0:16:23 > 0:16:25but I'd think, "Bollocks" and run around.
0:16:25 > 0:16:31I was one of those kids that'd sit in a little plastic car and go round in circles for hours screaming.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35As a child, I can't remember going to a birthday party or having any.
0:16:35 > 0:16:36But I go to lots now.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40There was one children's entertainer that we particularly liked
0:16:40 > 0:16:45who would come in a little pink van and was slightly creepy.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49The parents would put me in the garden with the entertainer who would freak me out.
0:16:49 > 0:16:54More often than not, they'd smell. They'd probably been on the booze the night before.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59He used to start his act by asking all the children to be quiet and to sit down.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03These people weren't vetted. They were just found in the village yellow book.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06And then he'd say, "I'm now going to sing you a song" and he'd go,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09- # A tompy-hompy-bomp - It could've been anyone.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12# Humpy-dee-dee, humpy-dumpy-pumpy-pump
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- Sit down!- They scare me... - Stop doing that immediately!
0:17:16 > 0:17:22..so much that I think, if someone invited me to a children's party now, I'd have to turn it down.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I don't think the children enjoyed it very much, no,
0:17:25 > 0:17:27but I know the parents did.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30APPLAUSE
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Let's be honest, that's what children's parties are about.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38About paying a stranger to come and shout at your own kids.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42The problem with kids' parties now, they're different than what they used to be.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46You used to go to the kids' party, you brought a present, you went home.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Now you bring kids to the party,
0:17:49 > 0:17:54when they come, they give a present, when they go, YOU have got to give THEM a present!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56YOU have got to give THEM a goody bag.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01When did that begin, that we've got to give the kid who comes to your house,
0:18:01 > 0:18:04who scared the shit out of the dog,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07was sick all over the place, who never shut up crying all day,
0:18:07 > 0:18:11and you've got to give him a present? You don't do that in any other walk of life.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16You don't go into a restaurant and say, "That was a lovely meal, I've baked you a cake."
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And the problem is, as well, you don't get to vet who comes.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Your kid invites them. And that means that you always get the nutter kid.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27The lunatic. The one who will not get off the bouncy castle.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31The one who's pushing all the other kids off and you keep on saying,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35"Oh, come on, Trevor, come off the bouncy castle." And he's going, "No..."
0:18:35 > 0:18:40- LAUGHTER - Come on, then we'll... "No, I'm staying here."
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"Come on or I'll have to come on and get you."
0:18:42 > 0:18:44"Oh, go on, then! Come on!"
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- And then you accidentally fall. - LAUGHTER
0:18:48 > 0:18:52And then his dad comes to pick him up and you say, "I'm sorry, he banged his head"
0:18:52 > 0:18:56and his dad goes, "That's funny, he seems to do that at most parties".
0:18:56 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:05And in his eye, he's looking at you thinking, "You've clocked him one, haven't you?"
0:19:05 > 0:19:06LAUGHTER
0:19:06 > 0:19:12And you're looking back going, "You know I've clocked him one, but I've probably saved you a job".
0:19:12 > 0:19:17- LAUGHTER - In all honesty, we have this phrase now "cotton wool kids"
0:19:17 > 0:19:21cos all kids in this country are pampered now. Pampered beyond belief.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24When my lads were little, I took them to the park.
0:19:24 > 0:19:30I remember taking them to the park for the first time with some of their mates and my wife said,
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"Look, you've got our kids, you've got some other kids,
0:19:33 > 0:19:39"make sure you look after all the kids, that they don't fall over and get hurt."
0:19:39 > 0:19:43And I went, "Well, what's the point of taking them to the park?"
0:19:43 > 0:19:47It's what you go to the park for, to fall over and get hurt.
0:19:47 > 0:19:53There'll be people in this room now, like me, who've still got tarmac in your knee from the 80s.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- LAUGHTER - It's how you learn life. It's how you learnt about things.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59It's how you learnt about disappointment.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04It's how you managed to get over the pain of a wife leaving you for a fireman in later life,
0:20:04 > 0:20:08- because you fell off a roundabout when you were seven. - LAUGHTER
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- But I told my kids... - HE LAUGHS
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- LAUGHTER - That's not even a joke, that's just feelings.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:23But I took my kids to the park when we moved to this new area,
0:20:23 > 0:20:27I took them to the park for the first time with their new mates and we went into the park
0:20:27 > 0:20:30and I took them to go on the swings and the roundabout.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I knew they might fall off but it didn't matter.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Do you know what was in the park when I got there?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- A sponge floor. - LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:42It's what they put in the park now, a sponge floor!
0:20:42 > 0:20:47And then wonder why the parks of full of teenagers of a night getting pissed.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- It's cos when they're pissed, they fall over and bounce back up! - LAUGHTER
0:20:51 > 0:20:53APPLAUSE
0:20:59 > 0:21:04And this became even more apparent to me recently because I've been doing this big tour.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Before I came to do this show, I was on tour, I was away a lot.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12So I said when I get home, I'm going to spend some time with the family and do the family stuff.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16And we've got a relatively new dog, a English bull terrier,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20and we got this dog from a dogs' home.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23And if you've ever been to a dogs' home, it's a desperate thing to do.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28You walk along, there's all the dogs in the cages. They're all barking, yapping.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32They're all looking at you, going, "Pick me, pick me, pick me".
0:21:32 > 0:21:34It's a bit like Amsterdam.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- Without the suspenders. - LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:47But you walk along and there's all these dogs desperate to be picked.
0:21:47 > 0:21:53As we came along, there was one dog in a cage at the end and he was just looking at us.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56He said, "Look, you don't want me.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58"I'm an English bull terrier.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"Families don't want English bull terriers.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04"Skinheads want English bull terriers.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07"So there's no point barking, cos you're not going to pick me.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11"I'm going to be kept until someone comes along who wants me to fight another dog
0:22:11 > 0:22:16"or wants me to walk around to make him look hard cos he's got a very little penis."
0:22:16 > 0:22:19LAUGHTER
0:22:19 > 0:22:21"So I know you're not going to pick me,
0:22:21 > 0:22:25"so just keep walking, go on. You just keep going.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- "All the puppies are that way. Go on, keep going." - LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:34I thought, "Sod that, a talking dog! When are you going to get one of them?"
0:22:34 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:41So we got this dog. I thought, "This is great, we've got this dog". The dog's been brilliant.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46It's been at home all the time while I've been on tour. So when I stopped touring I said to my missus,
0:22:46 > 0:22:50"I'm going to do dog duty". When I was growing up, on the estate I grew up on,
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- taking the dog for a walk was opening the door, going, "Go on". - LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:59That was how you took the dog for a walk. The dog barked when it had finished.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03That was the dog walking. Now we're middle class, I had it on a lead and everything.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I said, "I'm going to take you out on the lead."
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I was walking out of the house, my wife said, "Where's your bags?"
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- LAUGHTER - I said, "What for?" She said, "For the dog."
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- I said, "I'm taking him for a walk, I'm not carrying him. - LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:23She said, "No, you need to take the dog and you need to take the plastic bags
0:23:23 > 0:23:26"because if the dog dirties, you need to pick it up."
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- LAUGHTER - I went, "What?"
0:23:30 > 0:23:35She said, "You need to pick it up." Now, I understand that. But it was the reason behind it.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39In the park that we've got, there's big signs saying that you must pick up the dog dirt,
0:23:39 > 0:23:42there's an instant £80 fine,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44because if you don't pick up it,
0:23:44 > 0:23:49there's a chance a kid could fall in it, get dog dirt on their finger
0:23:49 > 0:23:52and then rub that dog dirt in their eye,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54and from a condition called toxoplasmosis,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57potentially go blind.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- Now, I think that's health and safety gone a little bit mad. - LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:05When did kids start rubbing dog shit in their eyes?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:14How many people ever went to school and said, "What's happened to Billy?" "Oh, it's dog-shit eye."
0:24:14 > 0:24:16LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:19It never happened! It never happened!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23As far as I'm concerned, you fall over, you've got dog shit on your finger,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27you bring that finger past your own nose
0:24:27 > 0:24:32and still rub it in your eye, there was a good chance you were going to go blind anyway!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- LAUGHTER - As far as I'm concerned, that's natural selection.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:42But there comes a time when parties with bouncy castles
0:24:42 > 0:24:44aren't the most important thing in life.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48The most important thing is being a teenager and looking cool.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56I wouldn't describe myself as a fashion leader.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59But I always tried to just keep up a little bit.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02The football kit was the main thing. The latest football kit.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05White leather shoes were really in.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Nike was the rage then, so new Nike would impress everyone.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- I had clogs in every colour. - I had a black bin bag on
0:25:11 > 0:25:14which I'd cut a hole in for my head and my arms.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19I also had a very awful pink and purple all-in-one jumpsuit.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I had a pair of Levi Strauss
0:25:22 > 0:25:26topped off by a psychedelic, light green jersey.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I remember looking in the mirror and thinking,
0:25:29 > 0:25:30"Nobody has ever looked this good."
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Everybody had this mullet hairstyle and mine was wicked. Really cool.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39I had a tub of gel. Superdrug, green.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Everybody said I had the best mullet. Everybody.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Straight back.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Right down to my bum, it was. Great.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Basically, I just looked like a big, ginger Mick Hucknall/John Lennon
0:25:51 > 0:25:53roaming around the school.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- I thought I looked great. - SHE LAUGHS
0:25:56 > 0:26:00APPLAUSE
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I think fashion's changed dramatically now.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Cos there used to be a time when your mum used to make your clothes.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13You don't need that now, we've got Primark.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- LAUGHTER - Mums have been outsourced to young kids in India.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER
0:26:20 > 0:26:23What we used to have instead was hand-me-downs.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I've got one brother and two sisters. They're all older than me.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:29 > 0:26:33It wasn't that cool being 13 dressed as Siouxsie and the Banshees.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37And my brother is five years older than me, our Eddie,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40and I remember... The biggest fashion memory I've got
0:26:40 > 0:26:42was being nine years of age
0:26:42 > 0:26:48and I remember our Eddie getting a pair of white 22-inch flares
0:26:48 > 0:26:51with a six-button belt.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53It was like that and the flares went like that.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58And I remember him standing at the top of the stairs, he was 14, I was nine,
0:26:58 > 0:27:03and I remember thinking, "I can't wait until they're mine."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Obviously, fashion changes. By the time they fitted,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- my mum had used them for curtains. - LAUGHTER
0:27:11 > 0:27:14But it wasn't just clothes that were hand-me-downs.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19Beds were hand-me-downs, as well. Double beds had a different life than what they do now.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21We didn't have big shops selling beds.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25A bed was a big investment. A bed was a family bed.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28The double bed would come in, your mum and dad would use it.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32After your mum and dad, it would go into another bedroom and two or three kids would sleep in it,
0:27:32 > 0:27:37- and then it would go in the garden and be a trampoline. - LAUGHTER
0:27:37 > 0:27:41And for us, me and our Eddie got a double bed.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I was about eight years of age.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48I was like a lot of eight-year-old boys, I was an occasional bed-wetter.
0:27:48 > 0:27:55- LAUGHTER - A little tip for any parents whose son is an occasional bed-wetter.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00- Put him in bed with a brother five years older than him. - LAUGHTER
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Once you've had your head kicked in a few times,
0:28:03 > 0:28:08- you soon remember to have a wee. - LAUGHTER
0:28:08 > 0:28:12You've got no defence when you're stood there in soaking pyjamas going, "It wasn't me".
0:28:12 > 0:28:15LAUGHTER
0:28:15 > 0:28:18But kids live in a different world now.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23Now kids have got technology around, they've got iPhones, iPads, Xboxes, PlayStations.
0:28:23 > 0:28:27The closest we ever got to an iPad was an Etch A Sketch.
0:28:27 > 0:28:33- LAUGHTER - And they can even get an App for your iPad that's an Etch A Sketch.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Why don't you just get an Etch A Sketch?
0:28:36 > 0:28:40I had to sit down with one of my lads,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43and he was nine when I did this, and I sat down with him
0:28:43 > 0:28:48and he was talking about all the funky stuff that you can get now, he'd just got a PlayStation, I said,
0:28:48 > 0:28:52"This was the most exciting thing that ever happened to me when I was a kid"
0:28:52 > 0:28:56and I got a calculator and I wrote "BOOBS" on it.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58LAUGHTER
0:28:58 > 0:29:03- I said, "Look at that, son. Cowabunga!" - LAUGHTER
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- "Isn't your dad cool?" - LAUGHTER
0:29:06 > 0:29:10And then he took me and showed me the internet.
0:29:10 > 0:29:11LAUGHTER
0:29:11 > 0:29:16But as kids, we wouldn't have thought of doing that. The internet didn't exist.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18As kids, what we had was simple games.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Girls went out into the street and skipped.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Boys went out into the street and chased each other with dog shit on a stick.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28LAUGHTER
0:29:28 > 0:29:31APPLAUSE
0:29:35 > 0:29:40And the other thing we have that you always see in these retro programmes
0:29:40 > 0:29:44and they've even tried to bring back, the other thing we had was space hoppers.
0:29:44 > 0:29:49Space hoppers. And not just the occasional... We thought they were a mode of transport.
0:29:49 > 0:29:52- LAUGHTER - Space hoppers were fun! And it also meant
0:29:52 > 0:29:55that you knew if you were too fat as a kid.
0:29:55 > 0:30:00When everyone else on the street had a space hopper race and you sat on your space hopper
0:30:00 > 0:30:03and everyone started and you ended up with a burst bag
0:30:03 > 0:30:07and a couple of orange ears in your hand, you thought, "I need to shed a few pounds."
0:30:07 > 0:30:13- LAUGHTER - My kids are different. My kids are middle class kids.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15My kids are posh, to be honest. I've got posh kids.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18I can't even understand what they say.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22We were having tea the other day, one of my lads came down and went, "Yah, Dad, yah.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26"Chill. Ha-ha-ha. Excuse me, Pa, can you pass us the couscous?"
0:30:26 > 0:30:29LAUGHTER
0:30:29 > 0:30:33- And you think, "You're the kids I used to punch on the nose." - LAUGHTER
0:30:33 > 0:30:36And sometimes you forget.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:42 > 0:30:45But teenage years are dominated by thoughts of your next step
0:30:45 > 0:30:48and that's the step into the world of sex,
0:30:48 > 0:30:50starting with that all-important kiss.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52And you know something is due to happen
0:30:52 > 0:30:57when you start watching netball at school and thinking, "I want to get a grip of that wing attack."
0:30:57 > 0:30:59LAUGHTER
0:30:59 > 0:31:05My first kiss was at junior school under the climbing frame.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08The first girl I kissed was in primary school.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12It was in break time, round the back of the sports bins or something.
0:31:12 > 0:31:16Beautiful blonde girl. She used to chase me round the playground, kiss-chase.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20- SHE LAUGHS - Kiss-chase.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24And I'd never kissed anyone before, apart from my cousin's dog.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27- It was about how long you could kiss for.- We were kissing for two seconds.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31I pulled away and ran to my friends and said, "Oh, my God, it's like...
0:31:31 > 0:31:35- ..a washing machine, just going round and round.- Disgusting!- Awful.
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Absolutely the most awful thing in the world.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41It was just like... Do you know what I mean, like, sick in my mouth.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43The guy is now gay, I've since heard.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46That's so rude.
0:31:46 > 0:31:49It wasn't actually with a girl.
0:31:49 > 0:31:52I think I might have practised a bit with my sister.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56It was...a boy...
0:31:56 > 0:31:58I was like, "This is going to happen, this is it."
0:31:58 > 0:32:00I guess I was fantasising...
0:32:02 > 0:32:06..that he was his sister.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I really thought you opened your mouth and stuck it in.
0:32:08 > 0:32:13- Anything but romantic. It was like CPR.- It was horrible, anyway. She had a tight little mouth.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:23 > 0:32:28Yeah, things are different. When you get older, you don't complain about stuff like that.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30LAUGHTER
0:32:30 > 0:32:35After listening to Bill, every boy with a good-looking sister is now looking at their mates
0:32:35 > 0:32:41thinking, "Don't you dare." I've got to be honest, the reverse thing happened to me.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45Genuinely, I copped off with my mate's sister. It was only one snog and then I thought,
0:32:45 > 0:32:49- "You don't half look like Tommy." - LAUGHTER
0:32:49 > 0:32:53- Sorry, Tommy, I've never told you that before. - LAUGHTER
0:32:53 > 0:32:58Lots of us sat at the back of the class practising. That was the big thing.
0:32:58 > 0:33:04We were in a different zone. You had to practise. Cos we didn't know what the first kiss was going to be like.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08And you can pretend you didn't, but there's people here who did that.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12- LAUGHTER - You practised on the back of your hand.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15That was the only way of practising.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18LAUGHTER
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Thinking that was going to be any good.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23LAUGHTER
0:33:23 > 0:33:26I even practised with the mirror.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29You know why I practised with the mirror?
0:33:29 > 0:33:33Because I was a kid. I could never understand, when you watched it on the television,
0:33:33 > 0:33:36they all knew which way to tilt their heads.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39- LAUGHTER - They all seemed to know, didn't they?
0:33:39 > 0:33:43And I thought, "I'm going to practise on the mirror." So I did.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45- I practised on the mirror. - LAUGHTER
0:33:45 > 0:33:48The only problem with practising on the mirror is,
0:33:48 > 0:33:52- when you tilt your head, so does your reflection. - LAUGHTER
0:33:52 > 0:33:56And my first kiss was with a girl called Jane.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01And I'll never forget it. It was a lovely moment. I was about 12 or 13.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05She said, "I've got you a present." It was my birthday coming up.
0:34:05 > 0:34:11We were in a park. She said, "I've got something for you." I thought, "Great, Airfix."
0:34:11 > 0:34:14LAUGHTER
0:34:14 > 0:34:16It wasn't like that at all.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21She leaned over, she leaned in.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27The problem was, I'd been practising on a mirror.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30So she went like that, I went like that.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34- And as I said, my head hasn't always fitted my teeth. - LAUGHTER
0:34:36 > 0:34:41- It's only when a girl's crying with blood coming down her nose... - LAUGHTER
0:34:41 > 0:34:45- ..that you think, "Maybe I got that one wrong." - LAUGHTER
0:34:45 > 0:34:51She was good to me, though, Jane. She said, "Can we have a French kiss next time?" so I said, "OK".
0:34:51 > 0:34:55- I ate garlic for a week and just acted all arrogant. - LAUGHTER
0:34:57 > 0:34:59You never forget your first kiss.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03I just look her up, not because I still fancy her or anything,
0:35:03 > 0:35:07just I wonder where is she, what's she doing, what's she up to
0:35:07 > 0:35:10and...where she is.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12LAUGHTER
0:35:12 > 0:35:15Let's be honest, if that girl's now watching the show,
0:35:15 > 0:35:18- we all know she's going to feel a little bit scared. - LAUGHTER
0:35:18 > 0:35:24- And we all know that Abdul's missus will be checking his Facebook page. - LAUGHTER
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Cos the magic of the kiss is lost on adults. It is.
0:35:27 > 0:35:32We've lost the magic of the kiss. If I kiss my wife now, my kids think we've had a row.
0:35:32 > 0:35:37That's not what we do. Kissing used to be an innocent thing. We used to have kiss-chase
0:35:37 > 0:35:41where you chase a girl and you kiss her. You can play kiss-chase as a kid.
0:35:41 > 0:35:44You can't as an adult. It results in a restraining order.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46LAUGHTER
0:35:46 > 0:35:50But kissing inevitably leads to something else.
0:35:50 > 0:35:55It's just that, as a teenager, you're not always sure what that is.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02The first knowledge of the birds and the bees came from the playground,
0:36:02 > 0:36:06which is always terrifying, cos you just hear the most ridiculous things.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08This little thing comes out, worms around
0:36:08 > 0:36:10and it'll be in her and she has babies.
0:36:10 > 0:36:14Definitely through school and friends and telly.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17Certainly not from my mum and dad.
0:36:17 > 0:36:22They left it to us to visualise it from growing up on a farm.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25I remember my mum trying to tell me about the birds and the bees once
0:36:25 > 0:36:28but I just kind of blocked it out.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30I had a very sexually-aware rabbit
0:36:30 > 0:36:35who not only did it with rabbits, but did it with the guinea pigs and with our legs.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38Losing my virginity lasted about two seconds.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41I was in no rush, you know. And I thought,
0:36:41 > 0:36:44"I'll wait for the right girl to come along" and I was waiting...
0:36:44 > 0:36:49- We just got together... - ..and waiting...- There was a big build-up to this one night.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53We did what we thought we were supposed to do, and that was it!
0:36:53 > 0:36:56- Never really quite happened. - The sex was awful.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59No male ever learned to treat a woman fully.
0:36:59 > 0:37:03You're either really bad or sex is not what it's made up to be, so I finished with him.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06APPLAUSE
0:37:06 > 0:37:09There was something there about a rabbit.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13Now, rabbits have got a different context in the modern day, but I think the lady,
0:37:13 > 0:37:16if you notice, when she was talking about the rabbit,
0:37:16 > 0:37:22- not only was she tickling her dog... - LAUGHTER
0:37:22 > 0:37:25- That's OK, she lived on a farm. - LAUGHTER
0:37:25 > 0:37:29But she seemed quite scared that the rabbit might actually be coming for her.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32- LAUGHTER - Just look at this.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34I had a very sexually aware rabbit... LAUGHTER
0:37:34 > 0:37:39..who not only did it with the rabbits, but did it with the guinea pigs and with our legs.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42LAUGHTER
0:37:42 > 0:37:45APPLAUSE
0:37:48 > 0:37:52- Like there's a man in a rabbit suit. - LAUGHTER
0:37:52 > 0:37:57But sex is... It's just different now. Kids are just more aware.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01They are just more sexually aware. I remember watching Charlie's Angels
0:38:01 > 0:38:05and liking it, but not knowing why.
0:38:05 > 0:38:09The big thing was The Sweeney. We used to sit in and watch The Sweeney
0:38:09 > 0:38:11and it was always brilliant on The Sweeney
0:38:11 > 0:38:15cos you knew the burglar's wife would always get her tits out.
0:38:15 > 0:38:19- LAUGHTER - And sex education was different, as well.
0:38:19 > 0:38:24We didn't have the internet. We had the Freeman's catalogue. That was our sex education.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28Which probably explains why so many men of my age are now into mail-order brides.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31LAUGHTER
0:38:31 > 0:38:36That's what happened. We used to sit behind the couch. We loved looking at women in their undies
0:38:36 > 0:38:39talking to other women. It was a wonderful thing.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43And I spent all my youth hoping one day to meet a woman in a girdle.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46LAUGHTER
0:38:46 > 0:38:50But also, we were ignorant about it. I went to a Catholic school
0:38:50 > 0:38:53and we were taught that Mary one day rode on a donkey
0:38:53 > 0:38:56- and then ended up getting pregnant. - LAUGHTER
0:38:56 > 0:39:00When the school went on a day trip to Blackpool, none of the girls would go on the beach.
0:39:00 > 0:39:03- LAUGHTER - But as a teenager,
0:39:03 > 0:39:08the most embarrassing thing was sex education in school.
0:39:08 > 0:39:12In our school, what they did is they split up the boys and the girls.
0:39:12 > 0:39:16I don't know what they told the girls. They gave us sex education
0:39:16 > 0:39:19by putting us in a room with the maths teacher.
0:39:19 > 0:39:24The man who probably had less sex than anyone else in the staff room.
0:39:24 > 0:39:29They put us in a room and he proceeded to put a condom on a banana.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31- LAUGHTER - How useless is that?
0:39:31 > 0:39:34To put a condom on a banana? Not only is it useless,
0:39:34 > 0:39:37it's very confusing for a 14-year-old boy
0:39:37 > 0:39:41when you're also being told that you've got to have five a day.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44LAUGHTER
0:39:44 > 0:39:50Cos as a teenage boy, your life is dominated by the rites of passage.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53As a teenage boy, you always remember your first kiss,
0:39:53 > 0:39:56you always remember your first proper fight,
0:39:56 > 0:39:59you always remember your first sexual experience,
0:39:59 > 0:40:03or as we put it, you always remember your first day trip to Rhyl.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06LAUGHTER
0:40:06 > 0:40:10But everyone remembers their first time.
0:40:10 > 0:40:15Can anyone remember their first time, though, being as good as this?
0:40:21 > 0:40:25The door opens and it's Eileen.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28And she came up to me and put her arms around me
0:40:28 > 0:40:31and I put my arms around her.
0:40:31 > 0:40:35It was like putting my arms round a velvet glove.
0:40:35 > 0:40:41Then something happened to me below and I thought, "Well, I've got to use it, whatever it is".
0:40:41 > 0:40:48So I used it. And we're rolling around on the floor making this wonderful love.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51It must have been for three quarters of an hour.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54It was so, so wonderful.
0:40:54 > 0:40:59She said, "George, you are a compassionate lover."
0:41:00 > 0:41:04And she loved it. And so did it, I tell you.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07All over my body was tingling.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10It was marvellous. You want to try it some time.
0:41:10 > 0:41:12LAUGHTER
0:41:12 > 0:41:15APPLAUSE
0:41:18 > 0:41:22What I love about that clip is it shows that sex isn't just for the youth.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25All those people who think that we're doing mad, crazy things,
0:41:25 > 0:41:29your granny has already done them. Your granny did them first.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33In fact, your granny probably did them with a GI for a packet of powdered egg.
0:41:33 > 0:41:38- LAUGHTER - So that was growing up. Tonight, Britain has taught me
0:41:38 > 0:41:41that some people never quite get over their first kiss,
0:41:41 > 0:41:44- particularly if it was with their mate. - LAUGHTER
0:41:44 > 0:41:48There's a chance you can fulfil your childhood dreams and own a sweet shop.
0:41:48 > 0:41:54- And that at 73, old men make very compassionate lovers. - LAUGHTER
0:41:54 > 0:41:59See you next week with some more lessons from the people of Britain.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:05 > 0:42:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:09 > 0:42:13E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk