0:00:31 > 0:00:33Thank you!
0:00:33 > 0:00:34Thank you!
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44On tonight's show I'm looking at one of my favourite topics, sport.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47And by sport, I mean football.
0:00:47 > 0:00:53Our strange relationship with sport is just like a drunk man's relationship with sex.
0:00:53 > 0:00:59He tells you he's going to be great at it. In his own head he thinks he's going to be great at it.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03And then ultimately it's a big disappointment.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Someone ends up crying and he finishes too early.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12You've got to look at Britain's record in sport
0:01:12 > 0:01:16by looking at what our biggest participation sport is.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Does anyone know what the biggest participation sport is in this country?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Fishing.- Fishing.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26What does that say about our country
0:01:26 > 0:01:30when the biggest participation sport involves a packed lunch,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33a flask and some worms?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38To find out where sport fits in the minds of the British public,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41I've spoken to hundreds of people about it.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46They've given us their thoughts. Here's a sneak preview of what's coming up.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I don't want it to be serious.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50MAKES SUCKING SOUND
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Catch my arse, you can have my arse. - In my bikini.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- Like that.- What a boring game!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- I'd rather not take part.- Savage.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- I do that on a Friday night in my own house.- All lost and lonely and cold.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Break his legs. Break his legs!
0:02:05 > 0:02:10We'll be hearing what they think during the show, plus a few sketches.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14As a nation, though, it's fair to say we are passionate about sport.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Not all the sports that we're passionate about I understand.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Cricket. I've never understood cricket.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26Cricket to me does embody what Britain's about.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Cricket is basically men running round achieving nothing
0:02:30 > 0:02:32while women make sandwiches.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34It's true.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36What are you saying no for?
0:02:36 > 0:02:39As far as I'm concerned, any game where a man puts his willy in a box
0:02:39 > 0:02:41isn't right.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Tennis. No-one plays tennis
0:02:46 > 0:02:51apart from two weeks of the year when Wimbledon comes and then we go, "It's tennis time! Let's go mad."
0:02:51 > 0:02:54To show you how bad we are at tennis,
0:02:54 > 0:02:58tennis is a summer sport and the best player we've got is Scottish!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01They've never had a summer!
0:03:03 > 0:03:07So I've asked the people of Britain about their sporting passions.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16I've grown up loving every sport. My favourite is football.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21Least favourite is something like synchronised swimming.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Please explain to me, what is the point of synchronised swimming?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29If you're going to do something, why not something interesting like marbles?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Cricket. I hate cricket with a passion!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I like Test match cricket. Real cricket.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38It's just so terrible, the whole lbw thing and hitting it.
0:03:38 > 0:03:44- What a boring game!- Nothing happens for ten minutes but it's the fact it might that makes it interesting.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50When you watch cricket, how do you know who's on what side? They're both dressed the same!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I love skiing. I'm super fast.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55I say to people, "If you catch my arse, you can have my arse."
0:03:55 > 0:03:56No-one can.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00All that polo and water sports like swimming I hate.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Women swimming.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06That I do love. You see their beautiful legs.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- Their lovely tanned bodies. - Why watch swimming when you can watch athletics?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15And when they run in, you see them lovely legs moving around. It's so lovely.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I'm not interested in sport, really, of any kind.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22I'll watch anything sport-wise.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I hate sport on the telly in pubs, even more.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Everyone just stands there like that, going...
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I hate hockey as well. I keep forgetting about hockey.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36It was the only sport I couldn't look attractive in.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38It is so unnecessarily dangerous.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I just wouldn't even fight.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I knew the boys were watching. I was like, "Have it! Absolutely have it."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Hockey to me is a girls' game. But that's what's happened with sport.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57It's all mixed. Girls do what boys used to do. Boys do what girls do.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01At the Olympics, they're talking about female boxing. Female boxing!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03That surely doesn't work right.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Half the arguments must begin just at the weigh-in!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"I don't weigh that. Get the other scales!"
0:05:12 > 0:05:15One thing you'll never get women in, though, is Formula One.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18You never see a lady doing Formula One.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23It's not the driving round the track that's the problem. It's the parking in the pits!
0:05:26 > 0:05:30I know that's annoyed some women here. To be honest, it's statistically incorrect.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Women are good drivers, but that's not funny!
0:05:37 > 0:05:41But like most blokes, my favourite sport is football.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Watching football with my family is memorable.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52The mix of young and old.
0:05:52 > 0:05:57Football for me just reminds me of my Uncle Lenny,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59my dad, my brothers.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02My granddad's quite old and shouts out random comments.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Like he's got Tourette's or something. He'll go,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08"Break his legs! Break his legs!" "Chill out, Granddad!"
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I used to be interested in football.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15But looking back, I probably just pretended to be interested.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17It was the '90s and everyone was into it.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Every match is so like the other match,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I can't see what the excitement is.
0:06:23 > 0:06:29I would watch to see what other people would say, and they'd go, "Offside!" So I'd go, "Offside!"
0:06:29 > 0:06:33You can be really upset that you've lost a game.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37But, deep-down, your life is still all right.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It's not actual hurt.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42When my dad and I go to the football,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46he's fine at weekends. But midweek he comes straight from the office.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49So he'll come fully suited. Pin-stripe suit, gloves, mac, briefcase.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Comes in, first question he asks, "Where's the ref from?"
0:06:53 > 0:06:57It's come to the point where the guy behind pipes in, "Norway." "Thanks."
0:06:57 > 0:07:04And then, once every match, he'll stand up and try and start this chant. "The ref is a self-abuser!"
0:07:04 > 0:07:09And no-one sings with him. He sits down sheepishly and asks where the ref is from again.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12They've already told him. So embarrassing.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Now, we've just come out of the World Cup
0:07:22 > 0:07:24and we've all suffered that pain.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28To be honest, to me, the World Cup is like losing your virginity.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30You wait for ages for it to happen
0:07:30 > 0:07:34and then when it does happen, it's a massive disappointment!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36You think, "I won't do that again for years!"
0:07:36 > 0:07:40In fact, because tonight was all going to be about sport -
0:07:40 > 0:07:42what do you think of the suit, by the way?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44WOLF WHISTLES
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Look at that suit. Do you like it?
0:07:46 > 0:07:50I'm a Scouser, so in Liverpool, this is reversible!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I put this on because it's a three-piece number.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58I put it on because I wanted to be like Becks.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Every time you see Beckham, he's wearing a three-piece suit.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I thought I wanted to share a bit of his brilliance.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I'm not as good-looking as David Beckham.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10I haven't got the brilliant football ability he's got.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13But I have got three sons and a bit of a mad wife!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17And they say that English footballers are too molly-coddled.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22They didn't want them to come home after the World Cup and face abuse.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26They suggested letting them fly into Glasgow so they could get a heroes' welcome!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Because football's changed now.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Take Maradona. If you're a kid now,
0:08:34 > 0:08:40you'll watch Maradona in the World Cup and think he looks like an extra out of The Sopranos.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45Or you'll just know him as that person who's been funding the Columbian cocaine farmers
0:08:45 > 0:08:47all of these years.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51But for some of us, he was a brilliant footballer.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54A cheating little bastard, but a brilliant footballer.
0:08:54 > 0:09:00Like Pele. My kids see Pele now as the man who advertises Viagra.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02That's the only way they recognise Pele.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07Pele was one of the best players, arguably the best footballer
0:09:07 > 0:09:09that's ever lived on the planet.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14But as far as my kids are concerned, he's just a bloke with a floppy willy.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19And even Gazza, our own Gazza, Paul Gascoigne,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22possibly the best English footballer we've ever had.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Not so good as a hostage negotiator.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Honestly.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43You're watching the news. Can you imagine that situation?
0:09:43 > 0:09:48You're surrounded by armed police and suddenly you hear, "It's OK, it's me - Gazza.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"I've got some chicken, four cans and a fishing rod."
0:09:51 > 0:09:55The England team are getting a lot of stick.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I've actually done a gig for the England squad. This is true.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03Four years ago. I'd just started doing comedy full time.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08I got a phone call. People will remember as we're in Manchester,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10England played a couple of games in Manchester.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13They played against Macedonia,
0:10:13 > 0:10:17which, to be honest, didn't exist when I was a kid.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19It wasn't a country when I was a kid.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Like playing against Narnia!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24But they played... They played Macedonia and Andorra.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Again, Andorra's not even a country.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30There's more people live on our estate than in Andorra!
0:10:30 > 0:10:34But they were playing both of them at Old Trafford. And I got this phone call to say,
0:10:34 > 0:10:38"Would you like to do a private gig?" I didn't know it was for England.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I said, "I'd love to do it. Is it for a company?"
0:10:41 > 0:10:43He said, "We can't tell you who it's for."
0:10:43 > 0:10:48I said, "I need to know. If it's a company, I like to know who it is."
0:10:48 > 0:10:52He said, "We can't tell you who it is, but it's a private gig in Manchester.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54"You and a couple of other comedians."
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I turned up to do this gig.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Turned up, saw the other lads. I said, "Do you know who it's for?" "No."
0:11:01 > 0:11:04We turned up in this bar. We get led downstairs.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08On the way down, I heard the woman who was organising it say the word "Rio".
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I thought, "Oh, it's a Duran Duran night.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"I'll have to think of New Romantic jokes."
0:11:17 > 0:11:23We walked into this room, a little bar in Manchester. There was 25 people there.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27And it was just the England squad. Just the squad
0:11:27 > 0:11:32that was here four years ago to play the preliminary games in the World Cup. Just the England squad.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36The week before, Jamie Carragher had pulled out of the England squad
0:11:36 > 0:11:38with a hamstring injury.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41I walked in. I saw the England squad.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I was a bit nervous so I went to the bar to get a drink.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47The man behind the bar said, "I thought you were injured."
0:11:53 > 0:11:58You go in to do this gig, and we did the gig for the England squad
0:11:58 > 0:11:59and it goes OK.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03We were told before we went in, "The lads are having a night off.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08"They don't want to be hassled with photos or autographs. So just do your stuff and piss off."
0:12:08 > 0:12:12But I did the gig. I'm on a stool, doing a gig to the England squad.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I'm looking at them and I say, "Look, lads.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18"I know what we've been told, but you are the England squad.
0:12:18 > 0:12:24"You are the England squad." You have to tell them. Some of them are thick! You're the England squad.
0:12:24 > 0:12:30"I've got three boys at home. I can't be here without getting you to sign something.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"Can you do us a favour, sign this pad?"
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I got a pad and I wrote on it, "To the Bishop boys.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"Your dad was a better player than me."
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I passed it round, and fair play, every single one of them signed it.
0:12:44 > 0:12:49I know some of them couldn't read it, but every single one signed it.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52When I did it, four years ago, it was a joke.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Whereas if I did it now, I'd frigging mean it, to be honest!
0:12:57 > 0:13:01But football as a sport divides us more than anything,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04particularly here in Manchester. I'm a Scouser.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07We have that division. That M62 divide.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10We've got Manchester at one end, Liverpool at one end.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13And that division comes out in everything that we do.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17We have to deal with it. It's created antagonism. So much so,
0:13:17 > 0:13:20that all the places between Liverpool and Manchester -
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Widnes, St Helens, Warrington,
0:13:22 > 0:13:27they've just thought, "Sod football. Let's just pick it up. It's too much trouble!"
0:13:34 > 0:13:38It does take a minute to work out that that's a joke about rugby league.
0:13:38 > 0:13:44Football has changed. It's changed mainly because women have started going.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48The last match that I went to, to watch Liverpool play,
0:13:48 > 0:13:49and there was a couple at the front.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Some of them don't know about football. You can tell.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56You could tell with them, they'd brought a picnic hamper
0:13:56 > 0:14:00and at half time they were on the pitch having a sandwich!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03To be honest, last season, that was the best thing I saw there.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07And to tell you the biggest change in football for me
0:14:07 > 0:14:13was when I first took Melanie back to our house for Sunday dinner.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17We were getting serious. It was Sunday dinner.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"Come and have Sunday dinner in our house."
0:14:20 > 0:14:25But in our house, over the years, we'd developed a process for Sunday dinner.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28We started with Gerald Sinstadt and The Big Match.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31We all knew what happened on Sunday dinner.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Me, my dad, my brother, we'd go to the kitchen, get a plate of food,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37then take it into the living room.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42We'd sit down, eat the plate of food and watch the football,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45while my mother and sisters sat in the kitchen.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51That's the way it worked and how it's worked in traditional families for years.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55I brought my wife home, or wife-to-be as she was then.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59We piled up our plates of food in the kitchen.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03And I went walking in the living room, like that.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06And she followed me. I went, "What do you want?"
0:15:06 > 0:15:11You could see my sisters looking at her, going, "She's going to challenge him."
0:15:11 > 0:15:14She was like a suffragette.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19She walked in the living room. I thought she was going to chain herself to the telly.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22My sisters was going, "There's a different way!"
0:15:22 > 0:15:26My dad's looking at me, going, "Why have you brought a lesbian home?"
0:15:32 > 0:15:36But the thing is with football, it's a passion that we never lose.
0:15:36 > 0:15:42You can tell we'll never lose it because you see men, grown men,
0:15:42 > 0:15:46big fat middle-aged bald men
0:15:46 > 0:15:48wearing replica football kits.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52You know the first time they put that shirt on,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55they looked in the mirror and went,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"There's still a chance."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00That's what men are like, in two worlds.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02We live in this world, the one that you see,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04and the other one that's in our head.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07The one where everything is still possible.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10That's what happens. I was going to Anfield last year.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14I go to Anfield. There's 40,000 people at the match.
0:16:14 > 0:16:1820,000 of them will be big, fat, bald, middle-aged men
0:16:18 > 0:16:22wearing replica football kits waiting for that one day
0:16:22 > 0:16:26that Rafael Benitez would look around and go, "We've only got ten men.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32"Tell you what. Fat Eddie looks like he could do the job."
0:16:34 > 0:16:37But whether you love sport or whether you hate it,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39it all begins at school.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Being good at sport was so important.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Because if you weren't good at sport, you were just not cool.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49PE and Games were some of my favourite classes.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51That makes me sound really thick!
0:16:52 > 0:16:58Also, being good at sport meant you could strut around in short shorts and get away with it.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01One thing I hated most was doing cross-country.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It was running for ages for no reason.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Once a week, you're sent to run round town on cross-country.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Why send children, in football boots, running around town?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15We'd start running and I'd bend off to the right and run home.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Lost and lonely and cold.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Mum was there. I ran to her arms and said, "I can't do it, Mum!
0:17:22 > 0:17:23"Don't make me go back!"
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Our PE teacher organised fights against other schools.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31That's what our rugby was.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- I got made to do the 100 metres. - Savage. Savage.
0:17:35 > 0:17:40There was a girl who was the biggest, fattest, geekiest chick at school.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I had to run against her. I'm like, "Easy! Absolutely fine."
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- No. All I see for that 100 metres... - ..is her arse.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Yeah.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I loved doing the high jump. Great fun.
0:17:52 > 0:17:57I broke the school record - girls and boys - for the high jump.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59How proud am I?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Just hair and legs coming towards you and landing on this thing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Me and the girls used to sit in the girls' changing rooms
0:18:05 > 0:18:11and whenever the teacher came to see me, I said, "Sorry, I can't. I'm on my period."
0:18:11 > 0:18:13"Got pains. Time of the month."
0:18:13 > 0:18:17"Oh, I've got cramps!"
0:18:17 > 0:18:20"No, you said that last week and the week before. Do some exercise."
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I was on my period more than all of the girls in the school.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36I love the fact that two of those people broke the record for high jump.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41You know that some kids still go to the school where Peter Crouch went
0:18:41 > 0:18:43and think, "What's the point?"
0:18:43 > 0:18:49But for me, sports day has changed. My lads, as they've grown,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53the youngest lad was still at school still doing sports day
0:18:53 > 0:18:58when it all changed and became a "non-competitive sports day".
0:18:58 > 0:19:03Who has ever attended a non-competitive sports day?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05What a pointless exercise that is!
0:19:05 > 0:19:09I used to love sports day. It had a point, sports day.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11There was a reason it was competitive.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14It cheered everybody up.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18We were happy to see a fat kid stuck in a hoola hoop.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Normally what happened on sports day was the parents' race.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28The dads' race. I happened to turn up in a track suit.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Couldn't find any shoes that day so I had running spikes on.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37But it was banned. The parents couldn't have a race.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42They even banned the three-legged race in case three-legged people felt offended.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Do you know what they did instead? They stopped having sports day
0:19:46 > 0:19:47and they just had activities.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51They had the bouncy castle. Sports day, they had the bouncy castle
0:19:51 > 0:19:56with a ramp on it, so the kids in a wheelchair, they'd wheel them up
0:19:56 > 0:19:58and drop them in!
0:19:58 > 0:20:03And this is the school that thinks it's cruel to lose!
0:20:05 > 0:20:08But it's all changed. Sports day is different cos kids are different.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14You couldn't have an egg and spoon race now, could you?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17You'd have to have a KFC bucket race.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Whoever was sick first wins.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Come on, be honest. There are a lot of fat kids knocking about.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Which should mean we should have a lot of good goalies.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36They were the only ones who ever went in goal.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41The fat kid went in goal. That's probably why we haven't got a good goalie.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44We want somebody who wants to be in goal, not someone who can't run.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48But football is a passion. It's definitely a passion of mine.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Kids' football is now taking over the country.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I used to run a kids' team.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57I used to run one for my oldest lad and one for my youngest.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I used to do an under-eights team.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03For my son. He was the captain.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08An achievement for a kid with a wooden leg!
0:21:08 > 0:21:12There was no bias. I just built the team around him.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Mainly cos he doesn't move a lot.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19The thing about kids' football is you get passionate about it,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22but the worst people are the mothers.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26They are absolutely berserk!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29You'd be at the football and the mad mums would be there.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32They'd be going, "Look! Look at him! Tommy! Tommy! Shoot!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35"Shoot! Score a goal! Score a goal!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39"Score a goal!" "He's in goal, love!"
0:21:41 > 0:21:46I had this horrendous situation when we had the five-a-side tournaments.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48An under-eights team, five-a-side.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Which meant that we could take eight players.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I picked the eight players. Unfortunately, on the day,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56nine turned up.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Awful.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Nine turned up.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03One kid extra. His mum comes up to me and says,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"Why is he not going?" You've got to do what you're supposed to do.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10The FA tell you to keep it all-inclusive. So I said, "Look,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13"he can't come today because we can only take eight.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17"That's all I'm allowed to take. We're only taking eight.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22"But if he keeps on trying, coming to training, getting better,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25"practising all his skills. He's shit, love. He's shit."
0:22:27 > 0:22:31"He's shit. I don't know why he comes. Why do you send him?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"He's crying now. Look at him!"
0:22:37 > 0:22:40A problem with fat kids is that they can turn into fat adults.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45When that happens, we know you need to go on a diet.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I am constantly on a diet.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53I've been a size 6, size 8, size 10.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Size 12, size 14 and size 16.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Notoriously I'll come down in the morning
0:22:58 > 0:23:02and I mean, seriously, I just look like a whale.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I can be skinny if I want to be.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07But it's just a bit boring!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I've tried every single diet going.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- Green tea diet.- Cucumber diet. - Cabbage diet.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I can diet till the cows come home.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I can lose weight. There's no point. Don't know why I bother.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I can lose weight round my belly, my thighs,
0:23:22 > 0:23:23everywhere, my face.
0:23:23 > 0:23:28But the one place my weight never goes down is in my boobs!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I can't believe having boobs on men.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35I think people probably should chill out a bit more
0:23:35 > 0:23:39or investigate the plethora of food available to them.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44If you go and eat three trifles, you're going to get fat. It's simple.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45May your shortbread be sugary
0:23:45 > 0:23:49and may your brew be iron.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53I think the rule is, just don't eat so much!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55That's my only diet base I have.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59It's got to be sugary. If your shortbread's not sugary,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01and your brew's not iron,
0:24:01 > 0:24:05I don't know if you'll fit in up here.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14There is an attitude about dieting
0:24:14 > 0:24:17and I think that attitude splits between the sexes.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Women seem to be on a constant diet.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Whereas a bloke, you make a decision.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27You make a decision, normally around 35, you make a decision
0:24:27 > 0:24:32whether to just let it go and be the jolly lad in the pub
0:24:32 > 0:24:33of stay on a diet.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36You have to make a decision. A bloke can.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41A bloke can turn to a mate and say, "You're a fat bastard." And he goes, "Yeah, I'm a fat bastard.
0:24:41 > 0:24:47"But it's all paid for. It's all paid for. I'm a fat bastard. It's paid for."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I've yet to see a woman when her mate says,
0:24:50 > 0:24:51"Ooh..."
0:24:51 > 0:24:53LAUGHTER
0:24:53 > 0:24:57"Your bum looks big in that." "I know, but it's all paid for!"
0:25:04 > 0:25:10Face it. If you need to lose weight, the best thing you can do is hit the gym.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18The gym is a waste of time. It's full of posers.
0:25:18 > 0:25:24They put the gel on and flex themselves in front of the mirror, and that's just the blokes.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Love gyms, hate gyms, love gyms, hate gyms.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28That is my life.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Waste of money, time and effort.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33If you want to get sweaty, you can do it elsewhere.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37The weird thing about gyms is the noises people make lifting weights.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39You've got that kind of primal grunt
0:25:39 > 0:25:42maybe moving on to a bout of diarrhoea.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46Real "Eughh". Then at the end of the scale
0:25:46 > 0:25:49mechanical noises like the piston.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Tsss!
0:25:50 > 0:25:52And release. Tsss!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It makes you feel so insignificant.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I've never been to a gym in my life.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58I can't stand them.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02If I went to a gym, I'd just walk around in my fluffy bathrobe.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Chopping wood is my form of exercise.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Or, of course, just going for a walk, running.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Not running, but walking.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13To the pub.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17The sort of people that go to gyms
0:26:17 > 0:26:20are sexually frustrated.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23They don't get enough sex.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I don't need to go to the gym.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Why did I say that? It's a lie!
0:26:38 > 0:26:43Like a lot of people, I joined a gym recently. Well, I set up a standing order.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47The money went out, but the weight didn't go anywhere.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50The reason is cos I'm a bloke.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54I don't mind joining a gym, but like most blokes, I spend 45 minutes in the car park
0:26:54 > 0:26:57trying to park right by the front door!
0:26:57 > 0:27:04The problem is, men aren't used to gyms. We don't fit in in the same way as women fit in gyms.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09You seem to know what to do. Like gym equipment. I can't get gym equipment.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13The last gym I went to, I spent 20 minutes exercising with the coffee machine.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16You get stuff in there you don't get anywhere else,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19like that thing, that cross trainer.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Has anyone ever had a go on one of them? Who invented that cross trainer?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25That thing that goes like that.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Someone must have been in their house on a wooden floor with their socks on
0:27:29 > 0:27:31slipping, punching dwarfs.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39The first gym that I ever joined, to be honest, was rough.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42When I first moved to Manchester. It was very rough.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46I knew it was when I went on the treadmill and stood in dog shit.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52And it's that pressure when you get in there.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56I mean, there's blokes in gyms wearing vests.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Vests!
0:27:58 > 0:28:03Whose idea was it to say, "Right, let's all start wearing vests."
0:28:03 > 0:28:07No-one... My granddad wears vests.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10It would be all right if it was a vest and long-johns,
0:28:10 > 0:28:15but it makes no sense. People in vests going, "Look at my armpits." It's wrong.
0:28:15 > 0:28:21Like most fellas, when I first joined the gym I thought it was a good opportunity to meet women.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24No-one ever meets a woman in a gym.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27You can't possibly chat a woman up in a gym.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30The only thing I've ever said to a woman in a gym is...
0:28:31 > 0:28:33.."Have you finished with that?"
0:28:33 > 0:28:38And it's very difficult to look cool, rowing a boat that doesn't go anywhere.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43But like a lot of people I got bored of going to the gym.
0:28:43 > 0:28:48And for some reason I decided to sign up for a Fun Run.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55I think Fun Runs are excellent. I think more people should do them.
0:28:55 > 0:28:56but there should be a catch.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59You should only be allowed to go on a Fun Run
0:28:59 > 0:29:03if you dress as a stuffed animal.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06When I was younger, about nine or ten,
0:29:06 > 0:29:08I had to do this charity Fun Run thing.
0:29:08 > 0:29:14We had to wear these tops, "I ran the West Ham Fun Run" and stuff.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16It was absolutely awful.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18The gun went, and I thought, "A nice little jog."
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Boom! It was like a race. "Oh, my God, I thought this was a Fun Run."
0:29:22 > 0:29:27Anyway, everyone's bolting around and by the time I'm halfway round, I'm sweating.
0:29:27 > 0:29:31My hair is like... I look like Olive from On The Buses
0:29:31 > 0:29:32and Don King's love child.
0:29:32 > 0:29:37I'm this fat, sweaty thing, running along.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41To make it even worse, everyone else is finished and I'm only half way.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44They called out my name and number over the tannoy
0:29:44 > 0:29:46and they're like, "Come on!"
0:29:46 > 0:29:49I'm thinking, "Don't embarrass me more than I already am."
0:29:49 > 0:29:51That's not nice.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54There's a picture of me. Oh, this is awful.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56I can't talk about it. It's horrible.
0:29:56 > 0:30:01I like pink. So any stuffed animal that's pink, that'll suit me.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03That's all I know.
0:30:10 > 0:30:16I love her. But she's got the longest blink in history.
0:30:16 > 0:30:20You could have a conversation with her and when she blinks, just run away.
0:30:21 > 0:30:25Fun Runs have generated a lot of other things
0:30:25 > 0:30:28for people to get into. For me, I stopped going to the gym.
0:30:28 > 0:30:33Like a lot of people, I got bored with it. My mate said I needed something to aim for.
0:30:33 > 0:30:37So this year I entered the Manchester 10k.
0:30:37 > 0:30:3935,000 people entered the race.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Because there's that many, you've got to fill in a form.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Put your estimated finish time.
0:30:44 > 0:30:49I phoned my mate Sam up and said, "I've never done a 10k before. What shall I put?
0:30:49 > 0:30:51He said, "Put 25 minutes."
0:30:54 > 0:30:56I said, "Are you serious?"
0:30:56 > 0:31:01He said, "Yeah." I thought, "That's optimistic." I put 28 minutes and sent it off.
0:31:01 > 0:31:05I turned up on the day. There's me and four of my mates.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11My mates have blue numbers. I have an orange number.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14A steward comes up and says, "What are you doing here?"
0:31:14 > 0:31:17"I was thinking of running the race."
0:31:17 > 0:31:20He said, "No, what are you doing back here?"
0:31:20 > 0:31:22"I'm with my mates."
0:31:22 > 0:31:26"No, you shouldn't be here." "Why?" "You've got an orange number.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28"So what?"
0:31:28 > 0:31:31He said, "That means you're an elite athlete."
0:31:32 > 0:31:38He took me to the front. It was me and three Kenyans.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44When I got to the front, the Kenyans were in their vests doing this.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47I walk up in my Liverpool kit with Gerrard on the back.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50All right?
0:31:50 > 0:31:54They were looking at me like some East European woman they'd never heard of.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57So arms like that.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59The gun went off.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03For the first 100 metres, I just went, "Yeaaahh!"
0:32:04 > 0:32:07Even the Kenyans were going, "Jesus, she's fast!"
0:32:07 > 0:32:13And then I got overtook by 21,450 people.
0:32:13 > 0:32:15And a giant chicken.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20That's what I found out. All these people that get dressed up,
0:32:20 > 0:32:24the chicken finished the race and they wrapped him in a foil blanket.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28What were they going to do now? Stick him in the oven?
0:32:30 > 0:32:35But forget all that, cos the serious stuff starts in 2012
0:32:35 > 0:32:36with the Olympics.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44I don't care about the Olympics.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48We're never good at anything. We invent everything and lose it.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51So I don't see the point in even turning up.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55When the Olympics comes to London, that's going to be good.
0:32:55 > 0:32:59I do want to go and be there and be like Olympic. Roll up with a flag.
0:32:59 > 0:33:05It always feels like there's more sports get added every time now.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07I think they should add teenage pregnancy.
0:33:07 > 0:33:08Britain's good at that.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Rounders.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13I'd love to see Olympic rounders.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19If I had to do something in the Olympics, I'd go back to ping pong.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22But not in a furious way that the Orientals do,
0:33:22 > 0:33:25walloping it across. Just nice and gentle.
0:33:25 > 0:33:29Like that. Have a chat. "Want to go? We'll go home."
0:33:29 > 0:33:30What sport would I do?
0:33:30 > 0:33:35I suppose in my dreams I'd like to be a beach volleyballer.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37I'd probably do that thing with a ribbon.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39In my bikini.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41I don't often get it out.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43They roll about with a ribbon on a stick.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46I do that on a Friday night in my own house!
0:33:46 > 0:33:48The world would love to watch me play ping pong
0:33:48 > 0:33:52in a tight top showing off my boobs.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56We're not going to win anything. Absolutely nothing.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58So for that reason, I'm out.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09The whole thing about the Olympics is creating a lasting legacy.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13They say, "We're bringing the Olympics to the East End.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16"It will create a lasting legacy for the people of the East End."
0:34:16 > 0:34:20All the kids that normally nick cars in Lewisham
0:34:20 > 0:34:24can do a triple jump on their way to doing it.
0:34:24 > 0:34:26We had the same situation here in Manchester
0:34:26 > 0:34:29when they brought the Commonwealth Games to Manchester.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32They said it was a great thing for us to do.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36It will show that Manchester is an international city,
0:34:36 > 0:34:40and the north-west is a place of international reputation.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43It was the Commonwealth Games.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Let's remember what the Commonwealth Games are.
0:34:46 > 0:34:50The Commonwealth Games only exist because 300 years ago
0:34:50 > 0:34:55we went to different countries, invaded them, robbed their natural resources,
0:34:55 > 0:34:59gave them a religion they didn't want, a head of state they'd never heard of
0:34:59 > 0:35:03and we turn up 200 years later and say, "Fancy a sports day?"
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Let's be honest. There's a velodrome in Manchester.
0:35:08 > 0:35:13Has anyone in this room ever rode their bicycle at the velodrome?
0:35:14 > 0:35:16No.
0:35:16 > 0:35:21They said they'd leave a velodrome and it would be brilliant for the north-west.
0:35:21 > 0:35:25No-one I know has ever had a go. I'd love to turn up at the velodrome on a chopper.
0:35:27 > 0:35:33Up and down the hill with those lads who go round. "Sorry, lads. Just in third gear."
0:35:34 > 0:35:37Be honest, the Olympics aren't for us.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Not for us. Not for ordinary people.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44Most of our medals in the Olympics. Know where they're from?
0:35:44 > 0:35:49They come from rowing. Yeah. Rowing and equestrian events.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52That's where our medals come from.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54Equestrian events. Horse events.
0:35:54 > 0:36:00They had this thing on Radio 5. They were interviewing the leader of Team GB.
0:36:00 > 0:36:05He said, "In the equestrian events, why is Team GB so good?" And he said,
0:36:05 > 0:36:11- POSH ACCENT:- "The reason Team GB perform so well
0:36:11 > 0:36:13"in the equestrian events
0:36:13 > 0:36:17"is quite simply because we've got the world-class people
0:36:17 > 0:36:18"in dressage."
0:36:22 > 0:36:25I know, some people think I've got limited range.
0:36:27 > 0:36:32How does he know? How does he know they've got the best dressage people?
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Dressage is getting on a horse and making it dance.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38How does he know they've got the best people?
0:36:38 > 0:36:39I've never had a go.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42I don't know anyone who's had a go.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45I don't know anyone who went to school and the teacher said,
0:36:45 > 0:36:49"It's PE on Wednesday. Don't forget your pony, we've got dressage.
0:36:51 > 0:36:55"If you don't bring your pony, you have to do it in vest and knickers."
0:37:00 > 0:37:05And it's like this rowing and sailing. Who's ever done that?
0:37:05 > 0:37:10I don't remember living on a council estate and people knocking saying, "Let's go out.
0:37:10 > 0:37:11"Kev's got a new paddle."
0:37:12 > 0:37:17The only people on our estate who had a boat had won it on Bullseye!
0:37:22 > 0:37:24The Olympics keeps expanding its sports.
0:37:24 > 0:37:29What they're trying to bring in for the next Olympics is skateboarding!
0:37:29 > 0:37:31Skateboarding!
0:37:31 > 0:37:33That's not a sport!
0:37:33 > 0:37:38That's what kids do. If you can grow a beard, you shouldn't be allowed on a skateboard.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43The next thing they'll say is they're going to have Kerplunk!
0:37:45 > 0:37:48And they're looking at the Olympic Village
0:37:48 > 0:37:52and is it going to supply all the needs of the people.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56Do you know what goes on there? The Olympic Village, as far as I can see,
0:37:56 > 0:38:00is just young people dressed in sportswear, having loads of sex
0:38:00 > 0:38:02with the odd suspicion of drug use.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07Or it's an 18-30's holiday in Faliraki.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12And there's all these suspicions if anyone does anything well.
0:38:12 > 0:38:16Suspicions whether they're on drugs and you have to check it out.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20The worst case to me was this South African girl.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22Bloke. Girl.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Fella.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26Thingy. Caster Semenya.
0:38:26 > 0:38:31Don't you think it was terrible that they sent her for tests
0:38:31 > 0:38:33to see if she was a bloke?
0:38:33 > 0:38:36That shows how times have changed.
0:38:36 > 0:38:38We never did that to Fatima Whitbread.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44Fatima's not a fella. She just looks like Uncle Frank in a skirt.
0:38:46 > 0:38:48But that's only the Summer Olympics.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52After that, we've got the Winter Olympics, another thing we're crap at!
0:38:52 > 0:38:54We're just not made for it.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57What have we won medals in? Curling.
0:38:57 > 0:38:58Curling!
0:38:58 > 0:39:02That's just the mums' sport. Mopping.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10We're not built for the Winter Olympics.
0:39:10 > 0:39:15Our Winter Olympics is having a cup of tea and going round to check if your nan's still alive!
0:39:15 > 0:39:17But at the end of the day,
0:39:17 > 0:39:20there's only one thing that matters in sport.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22And that's winning.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31I don't like competition particularly because I was never good at anything.
0:39:31 > 0:39:34As a family, we've been brought up quite competitive,
0:39:34 > 0:39:37I suppose from the early days of Pony Club.
0:39:37 > 0:39:39It's not that I really want to win,
0:39:39 > 0:39:42it's that I don't want to lose.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45So I'd rather not take part.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47I'm really competitive.
0:39:47 > 0:39:51I hate when people say, "It doesn't matter if you win."
0:39:51 > 0:39:53So that means I do very little!
0:39:54 > 0:39:55"We're just playing for fun."
0:39:55 > 0:39:57I don't play for fun. I play to win.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59If you want fun, come away.
0:39:59 > 0:40:03I like to have a kick-about and have fun and that's it.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07You keep fit. I don't want it to be serious.
0:40:07 > 0:40:12I am a great believer in, if you are competing, competing to win.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14I was in it to win it, mate.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16After losing a tennis match,
0:40:16 > 0:40:20I was so enraged I did a McEnroe and slammed my racket down on the court.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24I was like a John McEnroe. I was horrible.
0:40:24 > 0:40:28I was made to sit on the deep freeze for three hours as a punishment.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31- I was her tennis partner and it got ugly.- It got ugly.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34If you lose, you have to lose your grace.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36And shake the hand. "Well done!"
0:40:36 > 0:40:41I would just lob tennis rackets here and there, scream, have a fit.
0:40:41 > 0:40:45- Smacked a ball.- I smacked a ball in someone's face.
0:40:45 > 0:40:49No, it was not pretty. It was ugly.
0:40:56 > 0:40:58You can tell Tara's posh.
0:40:58 > 0:41:03She had a tantrum and had to spend three hours sat on a freezer.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06On our estate, she'd have been put in it.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10So that's sport. Tonight Britain has taught me
0:41:10 > 0:41:13that only sexually frustrated people go to the gym.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17Beach volleyball could look quite different in the next Olympics.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22And if your shortbread's not sugary,
0:41:22 > 0:41:25and your brew's not iron,
0:41:25 > 0:41:28you're going to have problems. Good night!
0:41:53 > 0:41:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd