:00:46. > :00:53.Thank you, good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.
:00:53. > :00:56.APPLAUSE This week, I'll be looking at the
:00:56. > :01:00.nation's least favourite pastime, work. Things have changed. There
:01:00. > :01:04.was a time when working in a bank was a respectable job. It was what
:01:04. > :01:10.you wanted your kids to do when they left school. Not now. Everyone
:01:10. > :01:13.hates bankers now. Even in Al-Qaeda, they're saying, look, the heats off
:01:13. > :01:16.us, as long as you don't get a job in RBS.
:01:16. > :01:20.LAUGHTER If you work for British Gas, you
:01:21. > :01:26.will notice that this show is on every time, at the same time, every
:01:26. > :01:31.week. We were going to schedule it especially for British Gas workers
:01:31. > :01:35.some time between four and midnight. Just when you turn today on, we've
:01:35. > :01:39.been on. To discover what Britain thinks
:01:39. > :01:46.about work, I've spoken to hundreds of people about it. Let's see what
:01:46. > :01:52.they all have to say on the matter of work. Gerri Halliwell. Playing
:01:52. > :01:58.the trumpet Electric shots. Arriba, Arriba. On my knees. I can see the
:01:58. > :02:02.headline. I put a sticker on her back saying... I don't want to go
:02:02. > :02:05.under the floor. We'll hear what they think through the show and
:02:05. > :02:08.sketches as well. Different jobs fascinate me because people come
:02:08. > :02:12.from different backgrounds. I didn't start my life doing this. I
:02:12. > :02:18.left a job to do this. I had a proper job, a normal job, a real
:02:18. > :02:22.job. I worked as a sales an marketing director of a
:02:22. > :02:31.pharmaceutical director. It was a good job. There weren't many lads
:02:31. > :02:34.from my estate who ended up a sales and marketing director of a
:02:34. > :02:38.pharmaceutical company. There were some in related industries. But
:02:38. > :02:42.none of them got BUPA. It was one of them jobs that it's a good job
:02:42. > :02:46.but no-one understand what's they do. I remember when I got that
:02:46. > :02:50.promotion, it was a moment to be proud. I went home to my wife and
:02:50. > :02:55.said "Bring the boys in." My lads at that time would have been nine,
:02:55. > :03:00.seven and five. I said, bring the boys in, I have something to tell
:03:00. > :03:04.them. They came into the kitchen. I said, listen boys, I know what
:03:04. > :03:11.happens at school, people always ask what I do for a job. Tomorrow
:03:11. > :03:16.you can say "My dad is a director of sales and marketing in a
:03:16. > :03:24.pharmaceutical company." And the kids all just looked at each other
:03:24. > :03:31.like that. My middle lad went, "Billy's dad drives a digger." Me
:03:31. > :03:37.other two went, "Does he?! "He was a digger driver, my kids thought he
:03:37. > :03:43.was a hero. He drove a digger! I was a sales and marketing director.
:03:43. > :03:49.I did a Powerpoint presentation. But it doesn't matter what you end
:03:49. > :03:54.up doing. No-one forgets their first job. My first job was in a
:03:54. > :03:59.chippy. For my first job it was in a high profile London salon. All my
:03:59. > :04:05.mates come in from school. They'd order loads of food and I'd go that
:04:05. > :04:09.will be 14p please. My idol was a child was Gerri Halliwell. About
:04:09. > :04:14.two months into working there she walked through the door My first
:04:14. > :04:18.job was painting AA signs on the motorway. I had to just say like,
:04:18. > :04:22.please could you sign this? I have nothing against motorway
:04:22. > :04:27.maintenance. I like the wardrobe. Two minutes later my manager sacked
:04:28. > :04:31.me. The first job was working illegally in America on a
:04:31. > :04:38.construction site. Scaffolding is the one I remember best and I am
:04:38. > :04:44.most proud of. Also illegal Mexicans. Every time I see
:04:44. > :04:50.scaffolding I have a twinge of nostalgia. Every time a helicopter
:04:50. > :04:55.flew over it was Arriba! The only way to get them upright is to jigle
:04:55. > :05:05.them up like this, it seriously does your wrists in. By the end of
:05:05. > :05:10.
:05:10. > :05:14.that job, oh, you know, no pleasure What I love about that clip is that
:05:14. > :05:18.lad saying they were hiding from immigration. A Scottish lad and two
:05:18. > :05:24.Mexicans. As if you wouldn't spot the two lads in the some brair row
:05:24. > :05:27.and the one in the kilt. I like that story because my first job was
:05:27. > :05:32.also on a building site. I worked on a building site with possibly
:05:32. > :05:36.the most stupid person I have ever met in my life. He was a lad from
:05:36. > :05:42.Widnes called Mark. This is true this. It was at that time, I was 16,
:05:42. > :05:46.and people had left school. They used to put tattoos in Indian ink
:05:46. > :05:51.on themselves, really rubbish tattoos. He wrote, this lad Mark,
:05:51. > :05:55.wrote his own name on his left arm. Obviously because he was right
:05:55. > :06:00.handed. To tell you how stupid he was, I would say at least twice a
:06:00. > :06:09.week, I used to catch him out with the same thing. I used to say "Have
:06:09. > :06:17.you cut yourself?" He'd go no, why? And I'd go "What's that mark on
:06:17. > :06:22.your arm." That kept me amused for six months. You need some sound
:06:22. > :06:26.career advice for your first job. We had this like machine in our
:06:26. > :06:31.careers department that you put in answer all these questions, about
:06:31. > :06:37.40 questions, and it would print out a ticket of what your job that
:06:37. > :06:41.you're going to do. Every time I done it, I was always a plumber. So
:06:41. > :06:47.I'd answer all the questions again, changing some of the answers, I'm
:06:47. > :06:51.still a plumber. Do I look like a plumber? Be honest, I don't know
:06:51. > :06:59.what a plumber does. But I know it's to do with like under the
:06:59. > :07:09.floor. And pipes. And water. So, yeah I don't want to go under the
:07:09. > :07:10.
:07:11. > :07:16.floor. Let's be honest, the world would be
:07:16. > :07:26.a better place if every plumber was like that. Wouldn't it be great if
:07:26. > :07:26.
:07:26. > :07:32.a plumber turned up and goes "Hiya!" Porn films would be
:07:32. > :07:36.massively different. My actual first job, that first job on the
:07:36. > :07:39.building, the job I thought would change my life, was a job you don't
:07:39. > :07:44.see advertised any more. I answered an advert, there will be people in
:07:44. > :07:52.this room who have looked at these adverts and thought "Should I
:07:52. > :07:59.phone." There was an advert in the Liverpool Echo. It said "Are you
:07:59. > :08:06.sad? Lonely? Got no money, got no prospects? I used to be like that,
:08:06. > :08:13.but now I've got two cars, a boat, all the girls I can. If you want to
:08:13. > :08:18.live a life like me call Chaz after 7pm." So I phoned Chaz after 7pm.
:08:18. > :08:24.His mum answered. LAUGHTER
:08:24. > :08:27.She put me onto Chaz and Chaz said "Do you want a job?" I said I do.
:08:27. > :08:31.He said we're selling something, but it's not a product, it's a
:08:31. > :08:36.concept, a way of lie. I went for this job in Chester. When I was in
:08:36. > :08:39.the interview, he showed me a picture of a Ferrari. He said "See
:08:40. > :08:46.that. You could have one of these one day. "I thought, that's
:08:46. > :08:50.brilliant. He said "Come and meet the rest of the team." I still
:08:50. > :08:57.didn't know what I was selling. I walked down the corridor. As I
:08:57. > :09:00.walked down the corridor I heard a little noise. I walked into this
:09:00. > :09:08.room. It was full of middle aged men, I would say about eight of
:09:08. > :09:13.them, all in a circle, singing. What they were singing was
:09:13. > :09:18.# We sell Kirby cleaners # We sell Kirby cleaners #
:09:18. > :09:25.LAUGHTER If you have no idea what they were,
:09:25. > :09:31.this is way before Dyson. It's not only a Hoover, it could cut your
:09:31. > :09:35.hair, creosote your fence. It could do everything. Ba got me, is every
:09:35. > :09:39.morning we had to sing this song. They give you a sheet and say this
:09:40. > :09:43.is the song. It would be to a popular tune. Then there was a
:09:43. > :09:46.fight every morning to get the tambourine. If you got the
:09:46. > :09:51.tambourine you were in. That was the first step to getting the
:09:51. > :09:54.Ferrari. We used to do that every morning. I was there, this is when
:09:54. > :09:57.I realised that perhaps I was in the wrong world. I'd been doing the
:09:57. > :10:01.job for two weeks. We're all singing
:10:01. > :10:08.# We sell Kirby cleaners # Chaz burst in, almost kicked the
:10:08. > :10:10.door off the hinges and he went "There's something wrong." Everyone
:10:10. > :10:18.stopped singing. There's me and eight other blokes with eyes full
:10:18. > :10:22.of empty ambition. He said "I can feel negative energy this here."
:10:22. > :10:25.Everyone's looking at each other, it's not me. Not me. He said we all
:10:25. > :10:33.had to get rid of our negative energy, throw it out the window. We
:10:33. > :10:41.turned to face the window and all went, Neg! Neg! Neg! And threw it
:10:41. > :10:46.out. Then we all had to face each other and go Pos! Pos! Pos!. I'm
:10:46. > :10:51.not saying that works every time but Fabio Capello think about it! I
:10:51. > :10:54.did that job, I mean, obviously the work, the world has changed
:10:54. > :10:59.massively now. There's this recession we're facing and the fact
:10:59. > :11:03.that the retirement age has gone up. You've only got to go to B&Q and
:11:03. > :11:08.realise that. You know that you're working in B&Q and your boss
:11:08. > :11:11.tellles you to get something. It doesn't matter what he says,
:11:11. > :11:15.because in half an hour you'll forget about it. There are
:11:15. > :11:19.occasions in life where you have a dream job. A plied for my dream job.
:11:19. > :11:22.A plied for something where I thought, I've got specialist skills
:11:23. > :11:27.and I have plenty of experience. Then I found out Ann Summers have
:11:27. > :11:35.already got a managing director. So that would have been my dream job.
:11:35. > :11:40.But most jobs don't turn out as well as you would have hoped.
:11:40. > :11:44.The worst job I ever had was probably delivering pizzas in
:11:44. > :11:47.Glasgow. The worst job I could have would be a rat detector. I worked
:11:47. > :11:54.for two weeks, got mugged three times and decided this is not for
:11:54. > :12:00.me at all. You know people that hunt rats, I hate animals, mice,
:12:00. > :12:07.pigeons. Urgh. I was employed as a model to stand in the store and be
:12:07. > :12:13.there. I went in and they said we rather you be clean shaven. They
:12:13. > :12:19.gave me a razor and shaving foam. spent all day on my knees measuring
:12:19. > :12:24.men's inside legs. I basically had my nose right on the eye line you
:12:24. > :12:28.know. We'd rather if you didn't wear make up. Well that's just like
:12:28. > :12:33.stabbing me directly in the face. I would rather be unemployed than not
:12:33. > :12:38.wear make up. I think it's part of entertainment. The worst job I ever
:12:38. > :12:43.had was playing the trumpet in EastEnders. I do love the trumpet,
:12:43. > :12:52.but I am now 27 and an adult. And if I get another white man van
:12:52. > :12:56.driver say "Where's your trumpet" I am going to shove one up his bum.
:12:56. > :13:00.I love being a stand-up comedian. It wasn't what I expected to do,
:13:00. > :13:03.but I love it. There are times when it's difficult. I've been up to the
:13:03. > :13:08.Edinburgh Festival, which is like the Olympics for comedians. I went
:13:08. > :13:13.up a couple of years ago, when I turned professional. I went to do a
:13:13. > :13:19.show to try and see where I stood on the hierarchy of comedy. I was
:13:19. > :13:27.in a very small venue. It only had 45 seats. I turned up one night. I
:13:27. > :13:33.said to the promotor, "How many's in?" She said - five. I said can't
:13:33. > :13:38.we give them their money back? She said, "No, only two have paid." I
:13:38. > :13:43.had to do an hour of comedy to five people. Five people! The following
:13:43. > :13:47.day my ogt got us together for lunch. She got together all the
:13:47. > :13:52.acts that were up there. There was me and a lad called Jason Manford,
:13:52. > :13:55.who I'm sure you're familiar with, a lad called Jason Byrne, who's
:13:55. > :13:59.brilliant, massive in Edinburgh and Mark Watson, another brilliant
:13:59. > :14:04.comedian, who's massive in Edinburgh. We sat down. We're
:14:04. > :14:10.having lunch. We're sat there having lunch. She says, listen lads,
:14:10. > :14:14.I've got your box office figures. I went oh, hell. She said to Jason
:14:14. > :14:18.Manford, "Jason, you've only just started going on 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
:14:18. > :14:23.We thought we were taking a risk bringing you here for a month and
:14:23. > :14:27.doing a 250-seater venue every night. We thought it was a gamble.S
:14:27. > :14:31.to not a gamble. It's been brilliant Jason. Already you've
:14:31. > :14:36.sold out most of the first week, all of the second week. The third
:14:36. > :14:46.week looks like it's going to go. They want extra shows. It's amazing.
:14:46. > :14:53.Well done Jason. Everyone else went, oil well done Jason." Then she
:14:53. > :14:59.turned to Jason Byrne. She said "Jason, you have got the biggest
:14:59. > :15:04.venue in Edinburgh. It's got 850 seats in it. It looks like, without
:15:04. > :15:09.a doubt, you are going to be the first person ever to sell every
:15:09. > :15:15.seat on every night of the biggest venue in Edinburgh for the whole
:15:15. > :15:23.month. That is brilliant. Well done, Jason!" Everyone went, oh, well
:15:23. > :15:29.done Jason. You ginger knob. Then she turned to
:15:29. > :15:32.me. She said "John, do you want to know your box office figures for
:15:32. > :15:40.tonight?" I said "It's all right. Just tell me their names."
:15:40. > :15:46.APPLAUSE I did this gig in Newport once,
:15:46. > :15:50.right, what happened I had done a gig in Cardiff. One of my mates did
:15:50. > :15:54.this gig in his village pub. I wouldn't normally do it, it was in
:15:54. > :16:01.a Smallvilleage. He said just do it on your way over from Cardiff. I
:16:01. > :16:04.thought all right. It was a monthly gig. It was a tiny village. It was
:16:04. > :16:09.upstairs in a pub. There's only 75 people in there. Whilst I was on
:16:09. > :16:17.the stage, I was trying to do my stuff. I was getting heckled by
:16:17. > :16:22.this lad, in a way I didn't understand. He would just shout out.
:16:22. > :16:27.I thought I'm getting heckled in Welsh. I thought it -- I was
:16:27. > :16:33.getting heckled in Welsh. I thought that's cheating. I tried the
:16:33. > :16:41.standard put downs. It wouldn't work. He carried on. I said "I
:16:41. > :16:46.don't speak. I do -- don't do this or that." He carried on. I said,
:16:46. > :16:48."What's wrong with you? Have you got Tourette's?" And 74 of them
:16:48. > :16:57.went, "Yeah, he has. "
:16:57. > :17:01.APPLAUSE And even now, I have a son who has
:17:01. > :17:05.a paper round. Which basically means I've got a paper round.
:17:05. > :17:11.You've got to get up and get them out of bed. The oddest experience
:17:11. > :17:16.for me came the other week when he was ill, well "ill", he was in bed
:17:16. > :17:21.couldn't get up. I got up. You can't tell the paper shop he's not
:17:21. > :17:26.coming. I will get up and do the papers. This is true this, this is
:17:26. > :17:30.only the week before last. I was walking up a path, one of the
:17:30. > :17:36.customers was getting the Radio Times. So I was walking up the path
:17:36. > :17:43.to deliver the aRadio Times. I flicked it over and I was on page
:17:43. > :17:47.12. I thought, how much does that look like I'm promoting myself?
:17:47. > :17:52.Have you seen page 12? Thank you, tell your friends.
:17:52. > :17:57.Before you can get any job, you have to go through that torturous
:17:57. > :18:01.process, the interview. I went for an interview once at
:18:01. > :18:05.this estate agents. The boss was just brilliant. One of the
:18:05. > :18:12.interviews I did was for a gas company. It was to work in the call
:18:12. > :18:17.centre. He goes hi Chris, I'm Ian. I was sat down going this is going
:18:17. > :18:23.to be cringey. I got through to the next round where you do a test on
:18:23. > :18:28.the phones. He said "How fast do you run in seconds." He was talking
:18:28. > :18:34.about his sons. He drew a picture of how far his son could throw a
:18:34. > :18:38.ball. The first call was a happy customer. The second customer is
:18:38. > :18:44.angry, who starts off shouting down the phone, saying "I've just come
:18:44. > :18:49.back from holiday and my boiler was broke and I have one leg." It sets
:18:49. > :18:54.me off laughing. I answered all the questions. Then he springs on me,
:18:54. > :19:00."What are your weaknesses?" Inside I was thinking, boys, chocolate,
:19:00. > :19:04.drink. I've been asked twice before what sort of, if you could be any
:19:04. > :19:09.animal what would you be? I went in with an ant and the guy was like,
:19:09. > :19:14.oh, yeah good, team work. The second I wasn't concentrating, I
:19:14. > :19:17.went in with domesticated cat. Oh, yeah, explain yourself. And I said,
:19:17. > :19:27."You know they live the life of luxury and clean their own
:19:27. > :19:31.genitals." I didn't get the job. APPLAUSE
:19:31. > :19:36.I tell you what's got me as well, the call centres, it's all right
:19:36. > :19:40.when you phone a call centre. They are a pain in the arse. I got a
:19:40. > :19:45.phone call off the bank. I got a phone call, someone phoned me and
:19:45. > :19:50.said "Is that Mr Bishop?" Yeah. This is the bank. OK. He said I
:19:50. > :19:55.need to verify if you're Mr Bishop. LAUGHTER
:19:55. > :20:02.I said well you phoned me. We're not sure that you're who you are. I
:20:02. > :20:08.said "Why did you bleedin phone me then?" We just need to check. I
:20:08. > :20:13.said, I didn't ask you to phone. But the thing is as well, when you
:20:13. > :20:16.go through that process, you have that, they said the interview
:20:16. > :20:19.questions which has got to be the most ridiculous questions on the
:20:19. > :20:24.planet. They're always the same. It's always that stuff where they
:20:24. > :20:29.say, "What's your strengths?" There's answers that you have got
:20:29. > :20:33.to give. You can't say one is I'm a very sexual person. Why did you
:20:33. > :20:37.leave your last job? Because they found out I lied at interviews. It
:20:37. > :20:42.doesn't work. The thing is, now what's happening, because the
:20:42. > :20:45.world's so open, employers, which I think is wrong have started looking
:20:45. > :20:50.at applicants Facebook page. That is terrible. I mean it probably
:20:50. > :20:55.does give you an insight to things if you look on the Facebook page.
:20:55. > :21:01.You can say I'm not is keen on his fascination with Nazi memorabilia.
:21:01. > :21:08.Having said that, he does look good in a gimp mask.
:21:08. > :21:12.My first proper job, I did all those messy jobs, selling the Kirby
:21:12. > :21:16.cleaners. Then the first job came along when I got an interview for a
:21:16. > :21:21.pharmaceutical company. I phoned this guy. He said I'll meet you in
:21:21. > :21:30.the middle of Liverpool at the Adelphi Tea Rooms. The Adelphi was
:21:30. > :21:35.a really posh hotel in Liverpool. This is about 20 years ago. I had
:21:35. > :21:39.�5 out of my dole money left. As it was, I didn't have a suit. So I
:21:39. > :21:46.borrowed a suit off a mate of mine. The suit looked great, if I was sat
:21:46. > :21:54.down. If I was stood up, the suit didn't change, I just stayed like
:21:54. > :22:00.that. ( I walked into the Adelphi Tea Rooms. The fella wasn't there.
:22:00. > :22:05.I thought I'll get in early, I'll stay sat down all the way through.
:22:05. > :22:15.One of the waiters comes over and does that thing that Scouse people
:22:15. > :22:19.
:22:19. > :22:23.do when they're trying to be posh, we throw a "H" in. When the lad
:22:24. > :22:28.comes in, he arrives when the tea arrives. I put my �5 down. All I
:22:28. > :22:31.had in the world. Whilst the interview begins. We are having a
:22:31. > :22:36.conversation. The waiter puts �3.50 next to it. I thought I can't pick
:22:36. > :22:39.up the change now. It's rude. I'll just sit here and have the
:22:39. > :22:44.interview. We're having the interview and I thought, if I reach
:22:44. > :22:49.over, he'll know the suit doesn't fit any way.
:22:49. > :22:59.We'd been talking for about 15 minutes, when the waiter notices
:22:59. > :23:04.
:23:04. > :23:08.He come along wnd ante"Thank you, Sir." He put it in his pocket. I
:23:08. > :23:12.saw the last penny I had in the world walk away and I thought, if I
:23:12. > :23:22.don't get this job, I'm going to come back and stab you.
:23:22. > :23:29.LAUGHTER What's worst, and I'm not kidding
:23:29. > :23:34.you, it was the last money I had. I had to go to my Nan's to get me. I
:23:34. > :23:38.had to walk all the way. But it is, it was one of those things. That
:23:38. > :23:41.was my first proper job. I was working for a proper company. When
:23:41. > :23:45.I went to the office for the first time, I thought, this is
:23:45. > :23:48.unbelievable. It was an office in Maidenhead, a proper office. I
:23:48. > :23:52.walked in, I thought this is a great office. This is a fun office.
:23:52. > :23:59.I knew it was going to be fun when I saw skid marks on the photo
:23:59. > :24:03.coppier. The work place has changed now as well. The one thing I hate
:24:03. > :24:07.now about working in offices and stuff like that, is now you have
:24:07. > :24:11.this thing called e-mail chain letters. When someone sends you an
:24:11. > :24:16.e-mail and says you have to pass it on to ten other people or something
:24:16. > :24:21.dreadful will happen. And a butterfly will die on the other
:24:21. > :24:25.side of the world. What a load of tosh. Before we had e-mail we just
:24:25. > :24:30.had rumours. I don't remember anyone coming up to me going "You
:24:30. > :24:35.know what Sally's a slag." If you don't tell ten other people you're
:24:35. > :24:39.going to get rickets. It's all become more complicated.
:24:39. > :24:43.Like having a sicky is more complicated. You used to be able to
:24:44. > :24:48.have a sicky by saying you've got the flu. Now having the flu wasn't
:24:48. > :24:52.good enough. Having the flu was upgraded, you had to have a special
:24:52. > :24:55.flu. You had to have swine flu or bird flu. None of which exist.
:24:55. > :25:01.They're just flu that's have been made up by people who are trying to
:25:01. > :25:07.throw a sicky. I tell you now, this winter, the big thing will be
:25:07. > :25:16.injury after flu, terrible flu, my neck's killing me.
:25:17. > :25:22.APPLAUSE There's nothing worse than working
:25:22. > :25:28.for someone who thinks they are the world's best boss. In my shop, I
:25:28. > :25:34.like playing tricks and jokes to my staff. The best one is giving them
:25:34. > :25:40.electric shocks. I get a kick from the odd bit of humiliation. I love
:25:40. > :25:44.my shockers, my pens and staplers, etc, myical being lators. It looks
:25:44. > :25:50.real. You can't go wrong putting stickers on the back of people.
:25:50. > :25:54.They pick it up, an electric shock. Yes, got them again. I have an
:25:54. > :26:01.elderly member of staff called Denise. I always put a sticker on
:26:01. > :26:07.her back. The best one you get a hammer, it has to be realistic,
:26:07. > :26:12.bang, bang, ow, I've hurt myself, quick. It's very childish. It
:26:12. > :26:17.amuses me. Then I walk off and leave her. Quick get an ambulance.
:26:17. > :26:27.I've had them so many times like that. She loves being abused.
:26:27. > :26:33.
:26:33. > :26:38.Verbally. My staff love me. APPLAUSE
:26:38. > :26:43.Denise, you don't need to take that. I mean, you might love Muff, you
:26:43. > :26:47.don't have to take that. You can stand up. In fact I want everyone
:26:47. > :26:54.who knows where that sweet shop is to go there with placards saying
:26:54. > :26:57."Denise doesn't love Muff ." You can tell, you know, they both run
:26:57. > :27:02.shops. You can tell there's no HR in there. Can you treat the staff
:27:03. > :27:08.as you want. You can even give them electric shocks. Which is different
:27:08. > :27:13.in the corporate world. When I had this job, I had a situation where I
:27:13. > :27:17.had to try and sack someone. You had to brick the HR in. You have a
:27:17. > :27:21.process with a verbal warning, than a written warning, then a second
:27:21. > :27:27.written warning, then a letter from God. It went on and on and on. We
:27:27. > :27:31.ended up in a situation of having to sack this lad. And I said to the
:27:31. > :27:36.HR person, "I've never really done this before. I really don't know
:27:36. > :27:40.what to say to him." They said, tell him his time's up. He's got to
:27:41. > :27:45.go. How is he going to feel when I say that to him? She said, "Well,
:27:45. > :27:50.to be honest with you, he's going to feel the same way that most
:27:50. > :27:54.people feel when they've pissed their own pants. He's going to feel
:27:54. > :27:56.angry, humiliated, he's going to feel sad, but at the end of the day,
:27:56. > :28:02.he's going to know it was his own fault."
:28:02. > :28:07.LAUGHTER When I was working as well, the
:28:07. > :28:10.biggest problem I had is I managed a team. There was a load of women
:28:10. > :28:19.in the team. Women, when you have a male boss can have any days off
:28:19. > :28:24.that you want. People who used to work for me they used to say "I
:28:24. > :28:30.need a day off. It's a female problem John." OK, it involves
:28:30. > :28:36.cysts. I don't need to know! One of the best things about being the
:28:36. > :28:43.boss, you get perks. The best perk I had before I left the corporate
:28:43. > :28:52.world to do this, I went on a conference, a meeting in San Diego.
:28:52. > :28:56.Oohhh! I grew up in Runcorn. I thought they road horses in San
:28:56. > :29:02.Diego. I couldn't believe it I went to San Diego for this meeting. As I
:29:02. > :29:07.checked in, they gave me my seat number, 1A. I thought oh, I must be
:29:07. > :29:12.driving. LAUGHTER
:29:12. > :29:16.Thought I'd have a drink, but I'll give it a go. I walked onto the
:29:17. > :29:21.plane. As I did, I instinctively turned right because that's where
:29:21. > :29:25.I'm from. That's what my DNA says to me. That's what my working class
:29:25. > :29:32.instinct is to go to the back where everyone else sits cramped up. I
:29:32. > :29:37.went to go to the back. They said, "No, Sir, you're in 1A." You're in
:29:37. > :29:42.first class. First class! I was upgraded, not business class, first
:29:42. > :29:46.class. I was in the nose. I was in the nose! You couldn't get further
:29:46. > :29:50.forward without being outside. I was in the nose. I don't know if
:29:50. > :29:56.anyone has ever flown transatlantic first class, it is unbelievable!
:29:56. > :30:01.You don't get a seat, you get a bed. You get a double bed. You get a big
:30:01. > :30:05.bed to lie on. I'm lying on this bed. You can have any choice of 150
:30:05. > :30:12.films. If you want you can probably be in a film.
:30:12. > :30:18.I'm lying on this big double bed. You get a little Filipino boy to
:30:18. > :30:24.pour milk over you. The range of food is unbelievable. You can eat
:30:24. > :30:29.anything you want. Pate made out of unicorn, it's fantastic. There the
:30:29. > :30:34.plane takes off. I'm like anybody, any Scouser in that situation, I
:30:34. > :30:37.thought, they're going to find out I don't belong. I'm eating
:30:37. > :30:42.absolutely everything, twiglets, I'm drinking everything. Then all
:30:42. > :30:51.of a sudden the plane is in the air. We've been flaiing about half an
:30:51. > :30:59.hour. She came up to me, "Mr Bishop, would you like your pajamas?" I
:30:59. > :31:06.said, "Are they free?" She said, "Of course, they're free. It's
:31:06. > :31:10.first class." I knew that. I got off my bed with my pajamas. It's a
:31:10. > :31:17.night flight, I've got pajamas. I wasn't going to say no. I went into
:31:17. > :31:22.the toilet, I say toilet, more of a spa. I went in to put my pajamas on.
:31:22. > :31:26.I'm there, getting undressed, in the spa, giving my clothes to the
:31:26. > :31:30.butler, who's stood there. I'm putting pajamas on. There's a thing
:31:30. > :31:34.that probably not everyone realises this, if you're a man of a certain
:31:34. > :31:38.generation, you can't wear pajamas with underpants because your mum
:31:38. > :31:42.said to you, you can't wear underpants. If you did you wouldn't
:31:42. > :31:49.get the benefit of the underpants. I've never understood what that
:31:49. > :31:56.means, but it's in my head. It's in my subconscious so deep that I took
:31:56. > :32:04.my underpants off. There's another thing that you do when you take
:32:04. > :32:11.your underpants off, you wake the little fella up. Then I put my
:32:11. > :32:15.pajamas on. I'm stood in the first class toilet, with a bit of a semi.
:32:15. > :32:24.It was at that point, that I walked out of the toilet and stood in
:32:24. > :32:33.front of me was Colin -- Colin Montgomerie, the international golf
:32:33. > :32:39.legend that is Colin Montgomerie. He was stood in front me -- of me.
:32:39. > :32:45.I was in my pajamas. He was in his pajamas. I glanced down. He had a
:32:45. > :32:53.semi. APPLAUSE
:32:53. > :32:58.The highlight of the working year is always the office party. Office
:32:58. > :33:02.parties are just a recipe for disaster. I always think office
:33:02. > :33:07.parties are fun. You always see people who are frightfully serious
:33:07. > :33:11.and they let their hair down. You get intimate and do something
:33:11. > :33:15.terrible. We have stopped having office parties. Everyone is a bit
:33:15. > :33:20.loose. They have too much to drink. The last two or three, they seemed
:33:20. > :33:24.to get worse and worse. I think they're cringingly fabulous.
:33:24. > :33:28.Somebody would get drunk and have sex with someone else. I've
:33:28. > :33:33.actually only really heard about them. I've never really been to one.
:33:33. > :33:43.You know, I have never been to an office party. I can see the
:33:43. > :33:48.headline. Is it like a rap party. The big boss walks in. You say
:33:48. > :33:54.things you never had the balls to through the year. I was drunk.
:33:54. > :33:59.They're awful and no-one enjoys themselves. He was like straight on
:34:00. > :34:09.the bum, like that. It's all a bit sordid. If looks could kill, I
:34:10. > :34:11.
:34:11. > :34:16.would be dead. Watching this now, we know that
:34:16. > :34:20.somebody has got Tara's invitation and has never invited her. Tara
:34:20. > :34:24.thinks the people she worked for never had a Christmas party. You
:34:24. > :34:28.just weren't invited. The thing is a Christmas party is a wonderful
:34:28. > :34:34.thing. It's a way to pull people together. Someone came up with this
:34:34. > :34:38.ludicrous idea of the secret Santa. In this room everyone's been a
:34:38. > :34:42.victim of the secret Santa. This idea to put the name in a hat, so
:34:42. > :34:48.that you have to buy a present for someone you've never spoke to and
:34:48. > :34:52.spend �5 on them. No more than �5. That's what we need �5, because
:34:52. > :34:57.that's what you want, a present off someone you've never spoke to that
:34:57. > :35:04.cost �5. Some people take it too far. One year when I was working,
:35:04. > :35:09.somebody bought me-a book. -- half a book. It only works in the office
:35:09. > :35:15.environment. I cannot imagine builders adopting secret Santa, can
:35:15. > :35:20.you? Passing four cans of special brew to each other "All right,
:35:20. > :35:24.Dave." And the other thing as well that happens at Christmas at work,
:35:25. > :35:28.which is probably a good thing, is you get the opportunity for the
:35:28. > :35:33.office Christmas dinner, which means you have to sit there with a
:35:33. > :35:40.paper hat on sitting around with people you don't like. Which is a
:35:40. > :35:43.great rehearsal for the actual day. At times, you do get the lunatic
:35:43. > :35:47.come out. You get that person who comeles out,
:35:47. > :35:52.I remember when Melanie went to her last Christmas party. She came in.
:35:52. > :35:59.I'd been babysitting. She came in with an shallen face. She said, you
:35:59. > :36:09.know Michael? Yeah, the lad would works in accounts? Yeah, I said,
:36:09. > :36:09.
:36:09. > :36:13.quiet Michael? He said yeah, He got pissed and put his Dick in the
:36:14. > :36:17.boss's soup. There's no answer to that. Now with these austerity
:36:17. > :36:21.measures, I was speaking to a mate who went on his last Christmas
:36:21. > :36:25.party, they've cut back that much, they haven't even got a photo
:36:25. > :36:30.coppier in the office. He had to walk around describing his arse to
:36:30. > :36:34.everyone. So I decided to change when I left
:36:34. > :36:39.that office environment. I decided to change to do this job, to become
:36:39. > :36:44.a comedian, which meant I was self- employed, which mean that's now my
:36:45. > :36:52.Christmas party is me photo copying my own bum looking at it and going
:36:52. > :36:56."You're a knobhead." Then I cop off with meself, cry in the corner and
:36:56. > :36:59.have a fight with myself. When I made the decision to leave that job
:36:59. > :37:03.that a lot of people have and to venture into this world of comedy,
:37:03. > :37:08.it was a big step. It's not something you take lightly. I sat
:37:08. > :37:13.the kids down, I spoke to Melanie first. She said, "I think you need
:37:13. > :37:17.to tell the kids there's going to be changes." I said, listen boys,
:37:17. > :37:20.things are going to change around here. They said, why? I said, I'm
:37:20. > :37:23.no longer going to have the company car. And maybe we're going to have
:37:23. > :37:30.less money for holidays and at Christmas, we'll probably have
:37:30. > :37:35.fewer presents. And they said, "Why?" I said, I'm going to be a
:37:35. > :37:40.comedian. They said, "But you're not funny." I said, to be honest,
:37:40. > :37:43.you're not my demographic. I left me job and tok a chance.
:37:43. > :37:47.Sometimes I think in life if you take a chance, things work out for
:37:47. > :37:51.you. I took a chance. When I took a chance I got a phone call two weeks
:37:51. > :37:57.later. I got this phone call to say look, would you like to be in a
:37:57. > :38:01.panto. I've only just gone full- time as a comedian, I went oh, I
:38:01. > :38:04.didn't want to be in a panto. You know what it's like, the perception
:38:04. > :38:09.of a panto is that your career is not going very well. It's difficult
:38:09. > :38:14.when someone says do you want to do this, to say you don't want to it
:38:14. > :38:19.might not look good. It's like when someone offers you baby, and you've
:38:19. > :38:25.got to say it's lovely but in your mind it's bloody ugly. You have to
:38:25. > :38:32.pretend it's lovely. So do you want to be in a panto, I said, no. Tell
:38:32. > :38:38.me about it. She said "It's Dick Whittington." OK. She said, "It's
:38:38. > :38:43.going to be in the Lowry Theatre in Salford. "It's a beautiful theatre
:38:43. > :38:46.built in Salford. Because that's what happens. They take areas like
:38:46. > :38:49.Salford, an area with social deprivation, with high crime rate,
:38:49. > :38:56.an area associated with drug violence and they say, you know
:38:56. > :39:01.what these need, a lovely theatre. The gangs never shoot each other
:39:01. > :39:05.when there's Chekhov on. Then she said it's going to be in the Lowry
:39:05. > :39:10.Theatre. It's a lfl theatre. I know, but you still have to get in and
:39:10. > :39:15.out. She said "I want you to be in it." She said the part was to be
:39:15. > :39:19.captain Cutles. I don't know if I wanted to do it. I needed the money.
:39:19. > :39:23.I said OK who's Dick Whittington? She says Chesney Hawkes. I thought
:39:23. > :39:30.well, if you're going to be in a panto, you have to do it with the
:39:30. > :39:34.one and only. I said, yeah. We had to do a
:39:34. > :39:38.special matinee for all the schools of Salford. What happens, all the
:39:38. > :39:42.kids come in, 1700 kids come in from the schools of Salford.
:39:42. > :39:48.There's a scene in every panto, I think it's best known as the he's
:39:48. > :39:53.behind you scene. What happened in this panto, I sail the ship.
:39:53. > :39:59.There's me, Chesney Hawkes. I sink the ship, we end up marooned in
:39:59. > :40:03.Morocco. We've got a lad who's supposed to chase us. When we did
:40:03. > :40:08.the rehearsals we didn't rehearse being chased. We have been chased
:40:08. > :40:13.before. When it come to the opening night the director realised he
:40:13. > :40:20.hadn't cast anyone to the gorilla. There was a stage hand, "Are you
:40:20. > :40:25.doing anything in this scene?" No. Do you want to be a gorilla? You
:40:25. > :40:31.could see in his eyes, he had been waiting all his lives. He said
:40:31. > :40:36."I'll be the best gorilla you've ever seen." I tell you he was. He
:40:36. > :40:41.wore the suit when he wasn't on the stage. Short of throwing his own
:40:41. > :40:46.poo at the audience, he couldn't be more like it. We had the most
:40:46. > :40:51.fantastic gorilla in panto land. We asked the kids to let us know if
:40:51. > :40:55.they saw anything. This fantastic gorilla jumped out and that is when
:40:55. > :41:04.you know Salford is a rough place, when there's 1700 kids in there and
:41:04. > :41:07.none of them would snitch. APPLAUSE
:41:07. > :41:12.People have asked me what it's like doing this job, how would you
:41:12. > :41:17.describe your life now. Because it's difficult when you do a normal
:41:17. > :41:21.job, you have an appraisal. It's difficult to have an appraisal
:41:21. > :41:25.doing this job. You know straight away whether it's working. The only
:41:25. > :41:32.way to describe what life is like is like having oral sex with a girl
:41:32. > :41:38.who has big teeth. It's true. It can be brilliant, but you know at
:41:38. > :41:43.any minute it can be a disaster. LAUGHTER
:41:43. > :41:53.That's how it's all changed for me, but it could all change again for
:41:53. > :41:58.
:41:58. > :42:04.anyone who has a brilliant business I had a business idea.
:42:04. > :42:09.listening. It was called White Wings Dove Release. Tell me more.
:42:09. > :42:14.It was a dove release company, for like weddings, funerals, you know
:42:14. > :42:18.Mother's Day, when children were born, Valentine's Day. And the USP
:42:18. > :42:23.is? Apparently you can dye them. What you do, you get like for
:42:23. > :42:28.weddings, you have your white ones. Volumen tiens, could be pink. I
:42:28. > :42:33.thought you could have black ones for funerals. It just never
:42:33. > :42:38.happened. I got like 15 doves. Really? They weren't doves. They
:42:38. > :42:43.were white racing pigeons. I was no good at keeping them. They broke
:42:43. > :42:51.out. This is absolutely ludicrous and I am ou.
:42:51. > :42:56.-- Out. APPLAUSE
:42:56. > :43:00.You know what I loved about that, because when I first saw it, I was
:43:00. > :43:06.probably like a lot of you in this room, that's not a bad idea, that.
:43:06. > :43:09.That was work. Tonight Britain has taught me that all scaffolders are