0:00:19 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38CROWD CHEERS
0:00:38 > 0:00:42The subject I'll be looking at tonight is parenthood and family.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46They say that the family that plays together stays together.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48In our house, we like to play a game called,
0:00:48 > 0:00:52"Let's sit in separate rooms and argue via text messaging."
0:00:52 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:58To help me get to grips with what parenthood and family means to Great Britain,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I've spoken to loads of people about it.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05I know, it looks like a really shit version of Celebrity Squares.
0:01:05 > 0:01:11They've given us their opinions and here's a few of the highlights.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12My number-one grandson.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- All right, girl?- Breastfeed me. - He just yakked in my mouth.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- And I can see it!- Which is handy. - I HATE you.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23We'll be hearing what they think throughout the show.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Plus, there'll be the odd sketch to explain what's going on.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29So, parenthood and family.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Now, before I proceed, I've stood here just by chance and I have to ask,
0:01:33 > 0:01:37you're nearly there.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- How pregnant are you?- 31 weeks.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Is this your first child?
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- It is.- Anyone in the room got kids, give me a cheer.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46CHEERING
0:01:46 > 0:01:48OK, anyone in the room without kids, give me a cheer.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50LIVELY CHEERING
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Hear that?
0:01:52 > 0:01:56At the moment you're in that second group. You know the happy group?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57That's where you are now.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? - No, keeping it a surprise.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04What about names?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- Um, we've got a shortlist. - I tell you what will happen now,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I tell you exactly what will happen,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12YOU will have the baby, YOU will start crying,
0:02:12 > 0:02:14YOU will pick the name.
0:02:15 > 0:02:16That is what happens,
0:02:16 > 0:02:20that's why my kids are called Shannon, Tracey and Becky,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22which for three boys is a bit...
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- LAUGHTER - We all had our kids quite early, to be honest,
0:02:25 > 0:02:27we got married and then had them quite early,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30mainly because... Well, I'm a good shot.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34But they grow up and they stop being a lovely baby
0:02:34 > 0:02:37and they start walking and making noise,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39and then that noise becomes words,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41and then words become arguments.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43That's how it works. I mean,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I've got three teenage boys,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I had to look at a picture of them the other day when they were babies
0:02:48 > 0:02:52just to remind myself that I used to love them.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58We did that thing because we got together quite early and decided to have kids quite early.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Somehow, Melanie, my wife, had told her dad,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03she told her mum and her mum told her dad.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07I remember being in our kitchen, making a cup of tea,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and my wife's dad come into the kitchen and said,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14"I believe you're trying for a baby."
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I went, "Yes."
0:03:17 > 0:03:20- He said, "How's it going?" - LAUGHTER
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I said, "I'm doing my best, like."
0:03:27 > 0:03:31"It'd be better if she put a bit more effort in, to be honest with you.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33"The boots would help a bit more often."
0:03:33 > 0:03:38When do you ever talk to your wife's dad about how often you're shagging your wife?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42This is ridiculous, unless you live in Norwich, no-one does that.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Then there's that thing as well you must've had,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47and other people in this room would've had it,
0:03:47 > 0:03:53that moment when you realise that you've made your partner pregnant.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56That wonderful moment where you realise that you've created
0:03:56 > 0:04:02a new life. When you've created the union of your DNA with her DNA.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06That moment she comes out of the bathroom and says, "I'm definitely pregnant."
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I remember when one of my mates said it happened to his wife.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13I said, "What did you do? When it happened to me, I was overjoyed."
0:04:13 > 0:04:16He said, "I was overjoyed and I really wanted to kiss her,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"I was full of emotion, but as she was stood there,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"I couldn't help thinking, she's got piss on a stick."
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Instead, I just went, "well done"!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33And what happens when that happens, you get in that first phase
0:04:33 > 0:04:35where you go, "We are pregnant."
0:04:35 > 0:04:39"We are pregnant." This is a wonderful thing. "WE are pregnant."
0:04:39 > 0:04:42And then you see what happens and you think,
0:04:42 > 0:04:43"Thank God it's just her."
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Cos I don't...I don't relish it at all, honest to God,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I don't relish the pregnancy thing for a girl,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I think youse bloom and you do well, men wouldn't do it.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55We would never ever have babies, we would just give up.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I mean, the idea that women become obsessed with... Or like IVF.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04IVF treatment is a massive thing and it brings joy to a lot of people,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07it's one of the things that the Government is suggesting might be cut,
0:05:07 > 0:05:14major cutbacks, cos apparently, it costs £7,500 for a treatment.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Let's just look at that for a moment,
0:05:16 > 0:05:20£7,500 to have kids.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24You could get on a plane, fly business class to Malawi
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and you can come back with a couple of twins.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31But then it happens. That's what happens with us.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34We've got three and they're never always the same,
0:05:34 > 0:05:39but for me, the best one was the middle one when the waters broke.
0:05:39 > 0:05:45It was one of those moments you wish for all your life, as a bloke.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It was a waters-break moment at half one in the morning.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50So it was downstairs, in the car,
0:05:50 > 0:05:55which meant I've got a girl in the car, having a baby,
0:05:55 > 0:06:00for the first time in my life, I could drive like a lunatic.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04And I drove through every red light I could find.
0:06:04 > 0:06:10EVERY red light. I must've done 110 in the 30mph zones,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I drove mentally.
0:06:13 > 0:06:19I drove everywhere like a mad man. Not one policeman stopped me.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21That is not fair.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25I even took a 15-mile diversion
0:06:25 > 0:06:27cos I was hoping for that moment
0:06:27 > 0:06:31for a copper to come up with blue lights and go, "Where do you think you're you going?"
0:06:31 > 0:06:34"She's having a baby, piss off, nobhead!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:45 > 0:06:49But not everyone has the same experience.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54When a woman is in labour,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56it is quite tiring for the husband, isn't it?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58It's quite hard work, you know?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Well, it wasn't too painful for ME.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Let me tell you, it was like hell. It was..."David!"
0:07:07 > 0:07:11And there she is, screaming. Shouting, she's in pain.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14It's all your fault! And of course, it IS always my fault.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17"Georgie Major, I HATE you."
0:07:17 > 0:07:20When my wife was in labour, I thought she made too much noise,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23but I think she'd been watching EastEnders for far too long.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Watching my girlfriend give birth was like watching my favourite pub
0:07:26 > 0:07:27burn down in front of my eyes.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31It was vile. Blood, poo, water.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34I just ran out. Shit myself.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37She said, "Do you want to cut the umbilical cord?"
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I was overrun with emotion and said, "Yes, I'll do it".
0:07:40 > 0:07:43She was screaming and shouting for a few hours, like they do.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I was given these massive scissors, it's like a big rubber belt -
0:07:46 > 0:07:50I just couldn't cut it. Every cut I made, blood was going in my face.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54After some time, I got bored of this and thought,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57"I'm quite hungry now, so I'll get a McDonald's."
0:07:57 > 0:07:59As I snapped it, the midwives, four of them in the room,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02all cheered and gave me a round of applause.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05They were all patting me. She's just given birth, but I took full credit.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08By the time I got back, she had a baby, which was handy,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11so we had burger and chips. My wife didn't, of course,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14she was still being sick and other unpleasant things.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18It was an amazing feeling cutting the umbilical cord, the best moment of my life.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21And Lana daughter being born, of course. A close runner-up.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24APPLAUSE
0:08:28 > 0:08:33Can I just ask, is there any blokes in here who's ever cut the umbilical cord?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35No. You just don't...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You have? YOU have?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Yeah. Was it your baby?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER It was, yeah.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44And what made that happen, if you don't mind me asking.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Was it a midwife's idea, your idea?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49It was a midwife's idea, yeah, hers.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Oh, rea...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- You're a midwife? You're the midwife?- Yeah.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Are you actually with him?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I mean, let's get this straight, is your job being a midwife?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Yeah, and I was having the baby.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03You were the... Oh! Oh, I just thought it was one of those days
0:09:03 > 0:09:04where you bring your partner to work.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11"This is my husband. Go on, have a go, son. go on."
0:09:11 > 0:09:13And you...you cut the cord?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Chewed through it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Chewed through it?
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Because it was said to me, "Do you want to do it?"
0:09:20 > 0:09:23And on the three occasions, I went, "No chance!"
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I just thought, "No chance." I've got a mate who's a builder,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29and his wife said, "Do you want to cut the cord?" He was halfway through
0:09:29 > 0:09:32and he said, "I've got another cord I started...
0:09:32 > 0:09:33"I'll be back next week."
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Now, having a baby's completely different.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41A mate of mine wanted to have a baby in a birth pool.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45They said to him, apparently, it was booked. Booked?!
0:09:45 > 0:09:50It's a birth pool! A birth pool, it's not a swimming baths! But it was booked.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55He was told that you could rent one. You can RENT a birth pool.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You can rent something to put in your living room.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02It's probably going to be a paddling pool and sit in front of the telly,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06so that your wife can have a baby in front of the telly.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10You'd be sat there watching EastEnders, "Do us a favour, can you just move?"
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Why d'you want a birth pool anyway? Why d'you want a baby in water?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Unless you're having a mermaid, it makes no sense.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Advice for any prospective father,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27my only words of advice is that if you're going to be there before the birth,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29do not watch Alien the night before.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35That definitely changes your view of things,
0:10:35 > 0:10:40cos to be honest, it's becoming mysterious, we've got all these different ways of doing it,
0:10:40 > 0:10:45which are wonderful, but mammals have been giving birth
0:10:45 > 0:10:50for thousands of years and they've never made such a fuss of it.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55I'm not saying it's not hard, but women do go on and on and on.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I know it hurts, I know what pain is, I stood on a plug once. I know.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03It is an amazing occasion.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06And you must have, again... You've seen it loads of times,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10you must have seen loads of blokes cry and you will cry,
0:11:10 > 0:11:11I guarantee you will cry,
0:11:11 > 0:11:15cos that's what happens, cos all of a sudden this flood of emotion comes out,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and it's an amazing, joyous occasion.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23What happens on every single occasion, the midwife always says, "Do you want a photograph?"
0:11:23 > 0:11:27I remember the first time, the baby come out, I'm holding this beautiful baby
0:11:27 > 0:11:31and I'm looking with the love that you can't possibly imagine,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34and my wife had been in labour for over 12 hours.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I look and she said, "Do you want a photograph?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:42I looked at my wife and thought, "God, you look a frigging mess!"
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I said, "Just me and the baby.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50"I can't let her see herself like that!"
0:11:51 > 0:11:53She looks... No, just me and him.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58And then afterwards as well, every dad who has a baby, you get the dad,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00you know, the proud dad pictures,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"Look, we just had a baby, look, we just had a baby."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05You'll be wetting the baby's head.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- HE MUMBLES - "That's my son, that's MY son Steven."
0:12:08 > 0:12:13You think, "Yeah, maybe you should have come all the way out before you took the picture."
0:12:16 > 0:12:19But what happens as well, the other healthcare professional that gets involved,
0:12:19 > 0:12:24after the midwife, you get passed on to a thing called a health visitor
0:12:24 > 0:12:27who's someone who's done an NVQ in papier-mache.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Honest to God, the most useless person...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I'm not having a go at health visitors, I know you do a good job.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37But if you're going to be a health visitor for new parents,
0:12:37 > 0:12:38come at two o'clock in the morning,
0:12:38 > 0:12:42come when they want to stab each other in the eye.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Come when they've had no sleep for four days,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46not at half ten for a cup of tea and a piece of cake.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Because all the paraphernalia you have to buy as well,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52it's all built around this theory of all this fear
0:12:52 > 0:12:54that we need to have...
0:12:54 > 0:12:57You're paranoid about it, so you buy all this paraphernalia,
0:12:57 > 0:13:01and anyone here who's had a baby's had that moment
0:13:01 > 0:13:04when a baby gets really congested and there's nothing you can do,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07you can't put a tissue on it and say "blow".
0:13:07 > 0:13:09They don't know what you're saying.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12So...so...there's this device in France
0:13:12 > 0:13:14and it's a tube, right?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- And you put it in your mouth. - GROANING
0:13:17 > 0:13:19And there's a tube at the end like that,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and it comes down to, like, a little vessel.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26And then there's a tube coming out, and you put it in the baby's nose
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- and you suck the snot out the nose. - GROANING
0:13:30 > 0:13:32And it collects in the vessel, it is,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- it's like siphoning petrol, it is. - LAUGHTER
0:13:35 > 0:13:38It's the same effect if it goes too far, you go, "Unh!"
0:13:38 > 0:13:42But no, it's genuine! It's a genuine thing and any parent in this room,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44when your child's congested,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47will do that, you go, "Mh-nh, we got any?"
0:13:47 > 0:13:48It works, it works.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51It also explains why every time you look at a French person,
0:13:51 > 0:13:52they've got little heads.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57And we've gone crazy with the paraphernalia that you get.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58I was at a friend's the other day
0:13:58 > 0:14:02and they had a barbecue, and his son who's about that age,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05about two and a half, three, he's at that potty training age.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08We're having a barbecue and he has a dump in the garden.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I said, "That's ridiculous," he goes, "No, it's OK."
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"We've learnt that when he does that, what we do then
0:14:15 > 0:14:18"is we put the dump in this potty and he sits on the potty."
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"And then he gets up and goes, ' "My poo's in the potty,
0:14:21 > 0:14:22' "I put poo in potty,' ",
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and I said, "How do you make him sit on the potty?"
0:14:25 > 0:14:27This is an actual invention, this.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29He said, "It's a musical potty."
0:14:29 > 0:14:32So when he sat on the potty, it went...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34# Ding, de-ding, de-ding, de-ding. #
0:14:34 > 0:14:37He said, "That will encourage him to sit on the potty,"
0:14:37 > 0:14:38I said, "No, it won't!"
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I said, "That will go into his subconscious.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44"When he's 18, first goes to a nightclub,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"he hears music, he's going to shit himself!"
0:14:54 > 0:14:59It's ridiculous. He takes him to baby yoga. Baby yoga!?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I said, "why are you taking him to baby yoga?"
0:15:01 > 0:15:03He said, "He loves it, he bends..."
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I said, "He bends cos he can't stand up!"
0:15:07 > 0:15:09He hasn't got a choice!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12But anyway, after you've dealt with the baby years,
0:15:12 > 0:15:17you realise that you're sentenced to life with children.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I don't think anybody likes anyone else's kids.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I really like kids, but I don't want to hear about them on Facebook.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Not many people say that, but I hate anyone else's kids.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31The worst is when they put pictures of their children on their profiles.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- It's disturbing.- When you first take your baby home,
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I know myself and a friend, you just look at it and think,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40"What do we do now?"
0:15:40 > 0:15:46The whole process of having kids and being a parent is fascinating.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I've had some disgusting moments with my baby.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Once, I was lying in bed in the morning,
0:15:51 > 0:15:55happy to be alive, smiling, holding her above my head, she was going "Aah..."
0:15:55 > 0:15:58And if it isn't, then something's going wrong, really.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Wrong time to do it after a bottle, she yakked in my mouth.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05It was milky and lumpy. It was so thick.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08The best thing about my children is they dress up for me
0:16:08 > 0:16:10in my Star Wars costumes.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14And they manage to just make an appearance, do whatever they want.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18I have Joshua, who's 18, and he plays my Darth Vader.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20And I can see it, and it doesn't work on me.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Shannon is my next one down. She makes a great mother Ewok.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28They are very, very intelligent, even if they're miniature.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I don't think they enjoy it!
0:16:35 > 0:16:39I think we now know that Social Services are going to go around
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and find out what's going on with their mother Ewok.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Also, you have this thing with kids,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50we have a relationship with them that you never used to have.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53You spend time with them in a different way.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I remember when my one of my youngest lads, he would've been about five
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and his mum said, "look, he's five now,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"it's time that you took him to go and get a pair of shoes."
0:17:06 > 0:17:10So I took him to Clarks to get his feet measured -
0:17:10 > 0:17:13before going somewhere cheaper.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I said, "you don't want them, they've got lights on, they catch fire."
0:17:19 > 0:17:23We're in the Trafford Centre, he's just under five
0:17:23 > 0:17:27and he turned round to me and said, "Dad, I need a poo."
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Everyone knows if you've got a toddler,
0:17:30 > 0:17:34and the toddler turns to you and says, "I need a poo" -
0:17:34 > 0:17:37that means he could have a poo now,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41or he could have a poo next Tuesday.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44You've basically got a poo bomb in your hands.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48You don't know what to do, you don't know whether to take the risk and walk,
0:17:48 > 0:17:53or just run in a panic to the nearest place, to get rid of this potential poo.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58I picked him up in the Trafford Centre and run through the shops.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02There's a place that I never knew existed in the Trafford Centre.
0:18:07 > 0:18:12I come to this place, they must have them in shopping centres all over the country.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15It said on the door, "family toilet."
0:18:15 > 0:18:19I walked into the family toilet. It WAS a family toilet.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22It had the little toilet and the daddy toilet.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I thought, "This is wonderful." I sit him on the little toilet.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29He's there, sat on the little toilet.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31SMALL FART
0:18:31 > 0:18:36Has anyone in this room ever been in the presence of someone doing their business?
0:18:36 > 0:18:42It's like watching someone yawn. All of a sudden you go...
0:18:42 > 0:18:44"I think I'll have one of them myself."
0:18:48 > 0:18:50BIG FART
0:18:50 > 0:18:53That's a wonderful thing. It's bonding, the modern way.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55The family who shits together stays together.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01What happens, you have a baby, it changes your life.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04It changes your social life, you stop going out.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07You reach the point when you think it's time to go out
0:19:07 > 0:19:10and that's when you realise you can't, cos you can't afford it.
0:19:10 > 0:19:16When we first had kids, we had them close together,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20we got a babysitter to come and baby-sit for the first two.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23£8 an hour.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27She wanted £8 an hour to baby-sit.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31I said, "I tell you what, "I'll give you a fiver an hour to go out with her, I'll stay in."
0:19:35 > 0:19:37And we ended up with this babysitter,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40and I wasn't quite sure, because you do get paranoid with kids -
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I wasn't quite sure that she was looking after the kids OK -
0:19:43 > 0:19:48she was a young girl, 21, she was, a young graduate, so what I did is
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I got a nanny cam in the room, just to see what was going on.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54And one day, one of her friends came home from hockey,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57one of her friends who played hockey with her,
0:19:57 > 0:20:02and they started making mad, passionate love on the couch
0:20:02 > 0:20:06while she was babysitting my kids. She was making mad, passionate love
0:20:06 > 0:20:09with one of her friends that she plays hockey with.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11On the couch.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13She's been doing that now for ten months.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I'm keeping an eye on her, I didn't want to mention it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I didn't want to mention it to my missus
0:20:20 > 0:20:22just in case she got worried about the kids.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Thing is, when you have kids, things change,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31because before you have kids, if you're in that group who cheered before,
0:20:31 > 0:20:35you see kids in an entirely different way, cos you'll see people
0:20:35 > 0:20:39in shopping centres with kids and the kid will be having a tantrum.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41You know kids under five having a tantrum, they're like that.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45You always see the parent holding them like that.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50And they're looking at you and they always give you that look...
0:20:54 > 0:21:01Before you've got kids, you think that that is a look of embarrassment, cos you think,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03before you've got kids, "My kid will never do that,
0:21:03 > 0:21:07"my kid won't have a tantrum like that, my kid will poo pot pourri.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"My kid won't be doing that in a shopping centre.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"My kid will be a lovely kid.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19"My kid will be at home, practising the piano or the violin."
0:21:19 > 0:21:23It's only when you've got kids a few years later that you're there in a shopping centre
0:21:23 > 0:21:26and you've got your kid... and people look at you and you go...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30It's not until that moment that you realise that look
0:21:30 > 0:21:34isn't a look of embarrassment, that look -
0:21:34 > 0:21:36is an adult-to-adult message saying,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"Do us a favour, mate, look away, one dead leg will sort this."
0:21:39 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:48 > 0:21:52It's true! Cos kids know you can't hit them, that's why they go mad. You think, "No, I can't hit,
0:21:52 > 0:21:56"but I can hold your hand and break your bleeding fingers!"
0:21:56 > 0:22:01What happened was, we ended up with three. Our hands were always full.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04That's what happens when you have kids close together.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07You've always got one kid having a tantrum.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10We had this health visitor come round and I had one of my lads,
0:22:10 > 0:22:14who's always running round the house, screaming his head off.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I said, "I don't know what to do, he's forever screaming."
0:22:17 > 0:22:20She said, "If a child under the age of five is having a tantrum,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24"don't hit him, that's a bad thing to do, don't hit him.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29"Whatever you do, don't shout at them, because they don't understand what's going on.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32"If they're under five, they've just lost control of their emotions.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34"The best thing you can do..." -
0:22:34 > 0:22:37and this is genuine NHS advice for everyone -
0:22:37 > 0:22:39"The best thing that you can do in that situation
0:22:39 > 0:22:41"is throw some water on them."
0:22:46 > 0:22:51Apparently, the shock of the water will stop the tantrum
0:22:51 > 0:22:54and the child will come to you for love.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01That's bollocks.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06I tried it, two weeks later, he's running round the house screaming his head off.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08I said to his mum, "I'm going to try the water."
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I tried the water, he just screamed more.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14His mum said maybe I shouldn't have used the kettle.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24I love telling that joke.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27There's always some people in the room thinking, "That's a bit harsh."
0:23:27 > 0:23:32Then there's all these young parents in the room going, "Well, did it work?"
0:23:33 > 0:23:38The real problem is no-one ever gives you a guide to parenting.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44I think good parenting
0:23:44 > 0:23:46consists of lots of factors
0:23:46 > 0:23:48and I think everybody's different.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53As soon as I heard my baby cry in the middle of the night,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I'd run downstairs, jump in my cab, put the meter on and go to work.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58That's one of the advantages
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I had with driving a taxi at the time my first baby was born.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07It's good to be honest with them and not treat them like children,
0:24:07 > 0:24:08even though they are children.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11So I swear at them. My sister's going to kill me,
0:24:11 > 0:24:15but what I do is, when they leave me, I give them a fiver each,
0:24:15 > 0:24:17and I say, "Don't tell your mother."
0:24:19 > 0:24:23My son, Barney, and I were at Alton Towers and we were having tea
0:24:23 > 0:24:25and there was a wasp flying around.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I said, "Just leave it alone. Leave the wasp alone."
0:24:28 > 0:24:32"It won't do you any harm if you just ignore it."
0:24:32 > 0:24:36At which point, the wasp flew up Barney's fairly baggy shorts
0:24:36 > 0:24:41and stung him four times around the groin area.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45And he's never believed a word I've said to him ever since.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47LAUGHTER
0:24:52 > 0:24:56The thing is, when you become a dad as well, things change.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Things do change. It's probably the same for women, but I think particularly for men.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Because when you're a little boy growing up, you want to impress your dad.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07And then you become a dad, and the only thing you want to do
0:25:07 > 0:25:10when you become a dad is to impress your kids,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12that's all any dad wants to do.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14That's why every time you go on holiday
0:25:14 > 0:25:17you always see a fat bloke stood at the top of a diving board
0:25:17 > 0:25:20shitting himself while his kids are shouting,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24"Come on, Dad, do a somersault like the German boys' dad."
0:25:24 > 0:25:28And you don't want to let them down, but things have moved on now.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Kids live in an entirely different world now.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32There's a lot of pressure.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36My oldest son was the first in our house to get a mobile phone.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39The first one in our house to get a mobile phone amongst the kids.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42He got a mobile phone when he was 11.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45His mum said, "He needs a phone because he's starting high school."
0:25:45 > 0:25:49I said, "So what?" She said, "He's got to get a bus."
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I said, "Is he going to phone the driver?"
0:25:55 > 0:25:58She said, "No, he's the oldest of your three sons.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"He's got to get a bus to school. He needs a mobile phone."
0:26:01 > 0:26:03I said, "What for?"
0:26:03 > 0:26:06She said, "What if he misses the bus?"
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I said, "He can friggin' walk!"
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Then she said what only a mother in this day and age would say.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16She said, "He is the oldest of your three sons.
0:26:17 > 0:26:23"What if he misses the bus?" Has to walk home?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"And when he's walking home,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"someone grabs him and snatches him?!
0:26:27 > 0:26:31"What'll happen then?" Bleeding hell!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33I said, "I'll tell you what'll happen then."
0:26:33 > 0:26:36"Them two'll never miss a bus!"
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Sometimes you've got to play the long game.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51He was 11, which meant the youngest was seven, and HE wanted a phone!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Seven! He said, "He's getting a phone! I want a phone!"
0:26:54 > 0:27:00I said, "You're seven! Seven! You've got nothing to say.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06"You don't know enough words to have a phone."
0:27:06 > 0:27:09He said, "I don't want a phone to speak to my mates".
0:27:09 > 0:27:12"I just want to text people."
0:27:12 > 0:27:13I said, "But you're seven!
0:27:13 > 0:27:16"Are you going to be sat watching Scooby Doo going,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18"I think it's the caretaker?"
0:27:22 > 0:27:25When I was seven, I'd never used a phone. I hadn't.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Not cos I was stupid, cos it had a lock on the number one.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33If you wanted to make a phone call, you had to say,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35"Dad, can I make a phone call?"
0:27:35 > 0:27:38And he said, "I'll just get the key out".
0:27:38 > 0:27:41And what happens, you had the phone for the house.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44In fact, it wasn't for the house, it was for about four doors.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48People knock at your door and say, "Can I use your phone?"
0:27:48 > 0:27:50You think, "No chance! Piss off!"
0:27:52 > 0:27:54And what we used to do, we used to have the phone,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56and are soon as you got the phone,
0:27:56 > 0:28:00the next thing you got after you got the phone was the telephone table.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03A table for the phone. A place for the phone to live.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08And you could stand the phone on in the hall, under the stairs,
0:28:08 > 0:28:12so everyone who came into your house would go, "Oh, there's a phone."
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Did anyone remember the telephone table?
0:28:17 > 0:28:22It was ergonomically the worst piece of furniture ever designed.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25The only way you could make a phone call was to sit like that.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30That's how you had to sit, you had to sit like that.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33That's why now when you see old people, they all walk like that.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45But the problem is now, things stayed the way they were then,
0:28:45 > 0:28:48and as a parent you understood the rules.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50Now things just change too quickly.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53There's things that I just don't understand.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54We have too many inventions.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57We need to have a year off, don't you think?
0:28:57 > 0:29:00We need a year off where no-one's allowed to invent anything,
0:29:00 > 0:29:02like that whats-his-name, that Steve Jobs,
0:29:02 > 0:29:04that fellow, someone needs to say, "Stevie, do us a favour,
0:29:04 > 0:29:06"take your Apple and piss off."
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Give us a year off, Steve.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Just give us a chance to catch up with everything that we've got.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Cos when you were a parent in the old days, a game was a game.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Now, you get your kids a game and it gets upgraded.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Monopoly when I was 10 was still Monopoly when I was 12,
0:29:22 > 0:29:26was still Monopoly when I was 16, was Monopoly.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29It never went Monopoly to Super Monopoly
0:29:29 > 0:29:33to Monopoly with graphics to Interface Monopoly
0:29:33 > 0:29:37to Monopoly with zombies and aliens. It was freaking Monopoly!
0:29:37 > 0:29:41Now, now, everything gets upgraded and I just can't keep up with it.
0:29:41 > 0:29:47I got an iPod for Christmas. It holds 160,000 songs.
0:29:47 > 0:29:48I've got six CDs.
0:29:51 > 0:29:54I've started buying new CDs cos I feel sorry for the iPod.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00You want to try and keep some traditions together,
0:30:00 > 0:30:03like when my son was five, I wanted to do the father-son moment
0:30:03 > 0:30:06when the oldest one was five.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08That main moment. I don't think it's just a Scouse thing,
0:30:08 > 0:30:12I think a lot of people have that moment where you say,
0:30:12 > 0:30:14"My son's five now. He's going to be a man one day,
0:30:14 > 0:30:17"so I'm taking him for his first football kit."
0:30:17 > 0:30:19As a Scouser it's like a Bar Mitzvah.
0:30:19 > 0:30:24It's our rite of passage. I remember taking my son to the shop.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28There was an array of football kits. I said, "Pick a kit, son".
0:30:28 > 0:30:31Remember, I'm from Liverpool.
0:30:31 > 0:30:35My wife's from Manchester, so my kids are mixed race.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39And that creates a lot of problems.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43At times, you assume certain things get passed on in your DNA,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46stuff you never think you need to talk about.
0:30:46 > 0:30:51I said, "It's going to be your first kit. It's me and you, son".
0:30:51 > 0:30:54"Which kit do you want"?
0:30:54 > 0:30:56I basically meant, "Home or away"?
0:30:59 > 0:31:03He looked at me, a five-year-old boy, with eyes full of innocence.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07He said, "Dad, can I have a Man United kit"?
0:31:10 > 0:31:13At that moment, I'd rather he said,
0:31:13 > 0:31:17"Honestly, I don't like football. I'd rather be a girl with a pony".
0:31:20 > 0:31:23It's a different religion. It may be your religion,
0:31:23 > 0:31:27but it's like one of your kids saying, "I want to join the Moonies."
0:31:27 > 0:31:29You'll never get them back.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32"No, I can't do that. I can't let it happen."
0:31:32 > 0:31:37It's a difficult thing to happen in a shop. All those cameras - you can't just hit 'im.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41I said, "Let's go home and have a chat."
0:31:41 > 0:31:43The truth is I took him out
0:31:43 > 0:31:48and bought him an ice-cream and said... It was hard to say.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51I thought if I say the word, I'll get a rash.
0:31:52 > 0:31:56I said, "Why do you want a M-M-M... Why do you want a Mmmm...."
0:31:56 > 0:32:00"Why do Mmmm... Why do you want a Mmmm-United kit?!"
0:32:00 > 0:32:03I said, "Why do you want a Man United kit?"
0:32:03 > 0:32:06He said, "Cos all the other kids in school like Man United".
0:32:08 > 0:32:12I said, "All right, son". I said, "Which Man United kit do you want?".
0:32:12 > 0:32:15He said, "Honestly, Dad, I'm not sure what they play in".
0:32:19 > 0:32:22So we went home with an AC Milan kit.
0:32:24 > 0:32:28I told him that's what United play in when they play in Europe.
0:32:28 > 0:32:33Then I took him to Anfield two weeks later. Changed him, saved him. It's what you've got to do.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43It's so difficult, because we live in an environment where everybody's
0:32:43 > 0:32:45trying to do the best for their kids.
0:32:45 > 0:32:50You try and be nice to them and make sure everybody feels loved,
0:32:50 > 0:32:53particularly if you've got multiple children.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55You're not supposed to have a favourite.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58You do.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59Everyone has a favourite.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03You're not supposed to say it, but life is a tough thing,
0:33:03 > 0:33:05so kids need to know what's going on.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08We sat ours down and said, "See him? He's the favourite".
0:33:10 > 0:33:13"You two come second, but at the moment, he's the favourite".
0:33:15 > 0:33:19Before you know it, you have turned into an embarrassing parent.
0:33:21 > 0:33:26There is a name for someone like my dad. Social hand grenade.
0:33:26 > 0:33:30I embarrass my daughter by doing silly walks or dances.
0:33:30 > 0:33:34He'll get bikini tops and put them on his man boobs while doing a jig.
0:33:34 > 0:33:35It's not nice.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40He was dancing past the shop once, and didn't clock a toddler
0:33:40 > 0:33:43walking towards him, and kneed him in the face.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47Now we've got a bleeding child and he's still bopping.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51- Still having a good time.- Which, as you can imagine, does embarrass her.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53I fart in front of her friends
0:33:53 > 0:33:55and she gets embarrassed. She's like, "Dad!"
0:33:55 > 0:33:57"No, Dad. Dad, no, no, no!"
0:33:57 > 0:34:00The other night I come home from football
0:34:00 > 0:34:01and I was quite hot and sweaty.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04I said, "Have a smell of that, Hayden!"
0:34:06 > 0:34:09I hope to embarrass my children!
0:34:09 > 0:34:11As my mum likes to be a teenager,
0:34:11 > 0:34:14she tries to follow my style and wear what I wear.
0:34:14 > 0:34:17"Dad, if you're wearing that shirt, I'm not going out with you".
0:34:17 > 0:34:20If I've got a nice wee floaty top, she'll get one,
0:34:20 > 0:34:24but it'll be all flowers. It's like, "No, Mum, this is hideous."
0:34:24 > 0:34:27I think it's more of a joke than being serious.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29APPLAUSE
0:34:33 > 0:34:36The thing is, once you become a dad, it's forever.
0:34:36 > 0:34:41You can't change it, you've crossed the line. It's something that will never change.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44And things about you change. Stuff that you never expected.
0:34:44 > 0:34:48You find yourself going to B&Q for no reason whatsoever.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Just to walk around.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Past other men who look like they're dads,
0:34:52 > 0:34:55and look them in the eye and go, "All right, mate?"
0:34:55 > 0:34:58And they're looking at you and go, "All right, mate, yeah, yeah.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01"I've knocked out a couple of kids and I've come for some tools."
0:35:03 > 0:35:05"To build stuff cos I'm a man."
0:35:05 > 0:35:06That's what you do.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09But then the other thing happens - summer comes,
0:35:09 > 0:35:11you get your sandals out, you put them on for the first time
0:35:11 > 0:35:15and in your mind, you're thinking, "Could chafe a little bit.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17"Maybe socks would be a good idea."
0:35:20 > 0:35:22And you're now supposed to talk to your kids,
0:35:22 > 0:35:27get involved with them in a way our dads didn't get involved with us.
0:35:27 > 0:35:33You go to Wacky Warehouses and ball pools and fun places in pubs.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35We didn't have that. When I was a kid,
0:35:35 > 0:35:38if my dad said, "D'you want to come the pub",
0:35:38 > 0:35:40that meant he'd drive there, go into the pub,
0:35:40 > 0:35:43come out with a bottle of pop, a bag of crisps,
0:35:43 > 0:35:45and piss off for four hours.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48If I was lucky, he'd wind the window down.
0:35:50 > 0:35:55When you reach adulthood, you still think your parents are a nightmare.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00My mum's quite funny. She's quite ditzy.
0:36:00 > 0:36:03She gets muddled up with the easiest stuff.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05My mum struggles with technology.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Mobile phones are a no-go.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11With computers, if something goes wrong, she buys a new one.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14My mum just says the greatest things.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17My mum was very eccentric.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20My mum came in the kitchen and went, "Oh, God, I buy all this food,
0:36:20 > 0:36:23"and all you lot do is eat it."
0:36:23 > 0:36:26We used to go up to Chapel Market in Islington
0:36:26 > 0:36:27and my mum used to bring a pram,
0:36:27 > 0:36:31which was empty, to put all her potatoes in.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34"They are frying eggs on the streets of London."
0:36:37 > 0:36:39I used to try and have an argument with my ma,
0:36:39 > 0:36:42but she just gives you this look, which is "the look."
0:36:43 > 0:36:46Whenever my dad's mad, he doesn't say anything at the time.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49Which is when you know he is mad, when he's silent.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53And you know it's like a volcano that's about to erupt.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57My father was an amazing father
0:36:57 > 0:37:01in a time when men weren't supposed to be like that.
0:37:01 > 0:37:05He couldn't quite breastfeed me, but he got as near as he could.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08My dad gave me some good advice.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10It's not really advice. It's a saying.
0:37:10 > 0:37:15"You're an idiot. Luke, you are an idiot."
0:37:15 > 0:37:16APPLAUSE
0:37:21 > 0:37:25I'm from the generation where your dad thought a day out
0:37:25 > 0:37:27was a trip to the tip. That's what he thought.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31And it was. Your dad would say, "You want to come to the tip?"
0:37:31 > 0:37:34You'd go, "Great! We're going to the tip!"
0:37:34 > 0:37:38"We're going to throw some shit on other shit. It's great!"
0:37:38 > 0:37:40That was a day out.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42We didn't have slides or big things like that.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45We went to the tip and pushed fridges over. That was a day out.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Even now, my dad can still go to the tip
0:37:48 > 0:37:51and come back with more than he went with.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Four years ago, my dad went to the tip
0:37:55 > 0:37:59and saw an oak front door in the tip.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01He thought, that's too good to throw away.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05He got it out, took it home and built his shed around it.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09My mum is the only person in Britain
0:38:09 > 0:38:13who's got a shed with a brass knocker.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18Mums also know everything. They know stuff they shouldn't know.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20They know the answer to everything.
0:38:20 > 0:38:25Even now, I haven't lived with my mum for 26 years,
0:38:25 > 0:38:27but I'm sure if I phoned her up
0:38:27 > 0:38:30and asked her where my socks were in my house, she would know.
0:38:30 > 0:38:32Cos they know everything.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34They know a cure for everything.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37They tell you lies about it. They do tell you lies about it.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40My mum used to say, "You've got a headache
0:38:40 > 0:38:43"because you've been telling lies." I used to believe her.
0:38:43 > 0:38:44She came to our house
0:38:44 > 0:38:49and I had this terrible gripping pain in the stomach.
0:38:49 > 0:38:53You know what it's like, you think it could be something serious.
0:38:53 > 0:38:55That could be really bad.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57I'm not going to the doctor.
0:38:57 > 0:39:01I'm not going to go to the doctor cos I don't want him to tell me it's bad.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05I just want to know it's bad so that I can be bad
0:39:05 > 0:39:08and have this thing inside and it's terrible and painful
0:39:08 > 0:39:11She said, "It's trapped wind".
0:39:13 > 0:39:16I thought, "You're not an MRI scan. How do you know?"
0:39:16 > 0:39:20She said, "You need some bicarbonate of soda."
0:39:20 > 0:39:22I thought, "Well, my mum's here, I'll do it."
0:39:22 > 0:39:27And she happened to have bicarbonate of soda in her bag, along with everything else.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29She got the bicarbonate of soda out.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31I drank the bicarbonate of soda.
0:39:31 > 0:39:37I had the biggest burp I've ever had in my life as this wind left me.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40She said, "You've got trapped wind cos you've been telling lies."
0:39:43 > 0:39:49Finally, the most important person in any family is your nan.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54My dad's and mum's families are from Liverpool. They have Scouse accents.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57But my nan always answers the phone like, "Hello?"
0:39:57 > 0:40:00And then she'll go, "All right, girl!"
0:40:00 > 0:40:02My nan and grandma are different.
0:40:02 > 0:40:03My grandma was a grandma-grandma.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07All soft and cuddly, typical grandma who collects thimbles.
0:40:07 > 0:40:12My nan, who's the same age, is very young, hip and sexy,
0:40:12 > 0:40:15if you can say your nan's sexy.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18I don't know who she's expecting to ring, probably the Pope.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21That would be her dream, the Pope to call. "Hello?"
0:40:21 > 0:40:25If she didn't answer like that to the Pope, she'd be very distressed.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28At Christmas, I came home and found that my brother and dad
0:40:28 > 0:40:32thought it would be funny to tell everyone on Facebook
0:40:32 > 0:40:34that I was masturbating.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37I screamed at my brother. My grandma was hovering.
0:40:37 > 0:40:41She didn't hear what was going on. She summoned me over and said,
0:40:41 > 0:40:44"Sam, my number one grandson, what's wrong, darling?"
0:40:44 > 0:40:47I said, "Gran, it's very embarrassing,
0:40:47 > 0:40:51"but Leo told my friends that I'm masturbating".
0:40:51 > 0:40:56She took a moment and went, "Sam, everyone masturbates!"
0:40:56 > 0:40:58"I masturbate, your father masturbates.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00"There's nothing wrong with it."
0:41:08 > 0:41:09I've got to be honest.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12I don't know what was most disturbing about that.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15The idea of your nan...
0:41:15 > 0:41:16LAUGHTER
0:41:16 > 0:41:18..doing stuff you can't imagine,
0:41:18 > 0:41:22or the fact that she sounds like Frank Butcher while she does it.
0:41:23 > 0:41:28But we all had nans that are a bit on the edge.
0:41:28 > 0:41:32Just a little bit racist without knowing it.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34It's a generational thing.
0:41:34 > 0:41:38I remember when my nan went into hospital. I went to see her when she came out.
0:41:38 > 0:41:43I said, "How are you getting treated?" She said, "It's OK, cos the sultan is looking after me.
0:41:46 > 0:41:49I said, "Who?" She said, "The boss, the sultan."
0:41:49 > 0:41:54I said, "You mean the consultant?" She said, "Yeah, but he looks like a sultan."
0:41:56 > 0:42:00And I actually took my... And maybe this is only a Scouse thing as well
0:42:00 > 0:42:02cos you do get colloquialisms.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06I remember taking Melanie, as a Manchester girl,
0:42:06 > 0:42:07to meet my nan for the first time.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09It's a nerve-racking thing.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12Going to the matriarch of the family.
0:42:12 > 0:42:14We walked in to my nan's house...
0:42:14 > 0:42:18There was a massive pile of sandwiches before we'd got there.
0:42:18 > 0:42:23Loads of cups of tea. We walked in and I said, "Nan, this is Melanie".
0:42:23 > 0:42:27She went, "So are you his tart?"
0:42:27 > 0:42:29LAUGHTER
0:42:29 > 0:42:30Her face dropped.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34I said, "No, that's a good thing!" She didn't call you a slag.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38That's parenthood and family.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41Tonight, Britain has taught me that you never really know
0:42:41 > 0:42:44what your nan's up to, that there's only one thing worse than
0:42:44 > 0:42:49a dancing dad, and that's a dad who makes his kids dress up as an Ewok.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55Luke, you are an idiot.
0:42:55 > 0:42:56Good night.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:43:25 > 0:43:28E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk