0:00:19 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Thank you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Thank you. Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38CHEERING
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Each week, I'll be looking at a different subject that affects everybody in Britain.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Tonight, it's holidays. Brits abroad is not a new phenomena.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Let's be honest, we've been doing it for hundreds of years.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54We just used to call it having an empire.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Instead of coming home after two weeks, we'd invade
0:01:01 > 0:01:05and stay for 200 years just to annoy them properly.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10To find out how us Brits really feel about holidays, I've spoken to hundreds of people about it -
0:01:10 > 0:01:15some you'll know, some you won't recognise. Here they are.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19They've all given us their thoughts and this is what we've got to look forward to tonight.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- I wanted everything. - All shapes and sizes.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Eng-er-lund!- Wahay!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26- I'm all right, are you all right? - Oh, so am I.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I sex your body now.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Whee!- Nice!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32LAUGHTER
0:01:34 > 0:01:36We'll hear what they think throughout the show.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41Plus, there will be a few sketches to show you what's actually going on in my head.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42So, holidays!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Because of the nature of this show,
0:01:45 > 0:01:50because we're doing it at the time we do it, I had to cancel my holiday to do it.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54What happened is, we booked a two-week holiday
0:01:54 > 0:01:59and I had to cancel the holiday - for me.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03The kids went, me missus went. She went with the kids and I had to do that thing
0:02:03 > 0:02:06that every man does when your wife's going off
0:02:06 > 0:02:10with the kids and leaving you in the house on your own for two weeks.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I had to make that sad face.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Inside you're really happy but I'm going,
0:02:17 > 0:02:18"I'm going to miss you.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24"I really, really want to go. I'd rather be with you at the airport, fighting with the kids.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29"I'm here on my own, having the controls of the telly in my hand."
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Obviously I got up at five o'clock in the morning
0:02:32 > 0:02:36for the family tradition of having a row before departure.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Getting there has got to be the hardest thing.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45'I quite like flying.'
0:02:45 > 0:02:49I quite like going on trains. I hate airports.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52I quite like an airport. I mean...
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I prefer a private airfield!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I love the airport. I love it.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01The thought of spending three hours at an airport -
0:03:01 > 0:03:04being served coffee by some servile youth...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Is always a nightmare.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10There'll be a queue for not only the check-in but sort of the boarding,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14and mum will see the queue and go to the front.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Excuse me, excuse me! And they'll be like, "F..., what for?"
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And she'll be like, "Hmm?"
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Going through security answering stupid questions...
0:03:23 > 0:03:26And they literally make you do a striptease.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I refuse to go through one of those X-ray machines
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and have one of those people look at my genitals on the X-ray.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Belt, shoes, socks, your trousers start falling down.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I think it's an invasion.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I get into a proper airport rage.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I don't mind people looking at my genitals but people that I know.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Once you get on, it's horrific.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50And you're sat next to someone really smelly.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54The air stewardesses have so much make-up on, they're in a constant state of surprise.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Why are you always sat next to someone smelly?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58"You all right?" "I'm all right." I'm freaking out.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I just look forward to it being over - simple as that.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You don't get to see the pilot any more. It's horrible!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06APPLAUSE
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Who has ever seen a pilot on a plane?
0:04:16 > 0:04:20I don't know what he's used to travelling on, whether it's a Spitfire...
0:04:20 > 0:04:23You don't want to see the pilot. I don't want to see the pilot.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28What you want is you want to hear his voice. That pilot's voice.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29You want to hear a posh voice.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34That gives you an assurance that he's qualified and he knows what he's doing.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36You want to hear him come on and say...
0:04:36 > 0:04:41- IN POSH VOICE: - "Hello, this is Captain Nigel Barker. I'm your pilot.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46"I just want to thank you today for joining us on this flight to Palma.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51"Our flight time will be approximately 2 hours 45 minutes
0:04:51 > 0:04:57"And my First Officer, James, will be in charge of the controls today."
0:04:57 > 0:05:03You know the reason he's speaking is because James sounds exactly like me.
0:05:03 > 0:05:09And he will come on and go, "All right, it's Jimmy here. We're going to give it a go.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"I'll just get my TomTom on so I know where I'm off to."
0:05:11 > 0:05:15There's always that bit as well when he does that announcement.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20He says, "Your cabin crew is ably led by Sandra.
0:05:20 > 0:05:25"And they are here primarily for your safety."
0:05:25 > 0:05:28And you're thinking, "No, they're not!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"They're not here for my safety.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35"I'm not putting my life in the hands of someone who looks like a Wotsit."
0:05:39 > 0:05:43And you're being asked to them your full attention.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48during that safety briefing and they always tell you to have a look at the card.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Have you seen the card?
0:05:50 > 0:05:55There's a picture of an aeroplane on water.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57And nobody's panicking.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00They just seem to be, "Oh, we're on water".
0:06:00 > 0:06:02And you know that's never going to happen.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05When that airline pilot landed that plane
0:06:05 > 0:06:08on water in New York,
0:06:08 > 0:06:13and everyone went, "That's brilliant, he's landed a plane on water,"
0:06:13 > 0:06:15There was talk about making a film about it,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18having Brad Pitt playing the pilot,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20who landed on water in New York.
0:06:20 > 0:06:26You knew when that was on the television in the news bulletins all around the world,
0:06:26 > 0:06:33thousands of pilots were sat at home thinking, "I can do that."
0:06:33 > 0:06:37That's the worse sign you want to get on a plane when a pilot thinks,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"Look, I'm going to have a go."
0:06:39 > 0:06:43And as far as the life jackets go, now with the budget airlines,
0:06:43 > 0:06:44I'm scared to fly with Ryanair.
0:06:44 > 0:06:50I'm sure you probably need £1 to get your life jacket out.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:07:01And last year, last year, we actually went on our first package holiday as a family.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Just give me a cheer if you've been on a package holiday.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09You know what it's like then. I didn't know what it was like.
0:07:09 > 0:07:10I turned up at the airport.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15It's a shock to the system. You turn up and look and there's whole families in tracksuits.
0:07:17 > 0:07:23Whole families in track... And you know none of them are really that athletic.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28You see the fat families in tracksuits and you know what I mean!
0:07:28 > 0:07:31The kind of people who turn up in football shirts to go on holiday.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33You know what I'm on about!
0:07:33 > 0:07:36The kind of people who think that getting changed for dinner
0:07:36 > 0:07:37is putting on the away strip.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46And the people wearing replica football kits are always massive.
0:07:46 > 0:07:52There must be a factory in China making XXXL Man United kits
0:07:52 > 0:07:56with Rooney on the back, thinking, "That Wayne Rooney must be a fat git!"
0:07:58 > 0:08:01We got on this plane and it was full of people in trainers
0:08:01 > 0:08:06and proper trainers, brand-new white trainers.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Proper white sparkling trainers.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13It's as if when they check-in people are going to go, "Is that your passport?
0:08:13 > 0:08:18"Have you packed your bags yourself? Are those trainers box-fresh?"
0:08:18 > 0:08:22They were proper brand-new, proper trainers and tracksuits,
0:08:22 > 0:08:26and I thought if this plane crashes in the mountains,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29and some archaeologist finds it in 200 years' time,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32they're going to look at the size of the tracksuits and go,
0:08:32 > 0:08:36"Well, no wonder the British team were crap at the Olympics."
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Budget airline travel is amazing!
0:08:44 > 0:08:49- JOHN'S VOICE:- I flew from Liverpool to Dublin three weeks ago for £1.
0:08:49 > 0:08:54£1! I flew for £1.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57From Liverpool to Dublin on a plane for £1.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I didn't even want to go.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05I was on my way to Blockbusters to get a DVD.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I thought, "Sod it, I'll save a few quid."
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I got on the plane for £1.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- ALL:- £1!
0:09:14 > 0:09:18You wouldn't... You know what, as a bargain, you wouldn't have that in any other form of your life.
0:09:18 > 0:09:24If someone knocked at your door and said, "Look, I'm selling buckets of shampoo for £1," you'd go,
0:09:24 > 0:09:28"No, I'm not going to take the risk, my hair will fall out."
0:09:29 > 0:09:32If someone in a pub says, "I've got bottles of aftershave for £1,"
0:09:32 > 0:09:35you go, "No chance, that'll probably burn my face."
0:09:35 > 0:09:38If someone comes up to you and says, "Do you fancy having a go
0:09:38 > 0:09:45"with defying gravity at 30,000 ft for £1," you think, "Yeah, I'll give it a go!"
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I got on a plane,
0:09:48 > 0:09:52paid £1 for a seat, asked for a cup of tea, £2.50!
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Then what happened, this had never happened to me before,
0:09:55 > 0:09:59as we were flying, the plane hit an air pocket.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And as it hit an air pocket it fell.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04SCREAMING
0:10:11 > 0:10:16If anyone's had that frightening experience, we fell about 100, 200 ft.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20As we were falling I thought, "Yeah, it was only a quid."
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Then what happened, as it fell, it then levelled out like that.
0:10:26 > 0:10:32As it levelled out, I spilled my tea. I said, "Dickhead! £2.50 that cost."
0:10:32 > 0:10:35But I enjoy travelling on budget airlines.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I've been married 17 years. To be honest, travelling on a budget airline
0:10:39 > 0:10:43is the only time I get to seem my wife with her ankles behind her head.
0:10:54 > 0:11:00I love that joke because if that stays there, I'm going to get battered.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02And also, that thing in check-in.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06All of the questions we get at check-in.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11It would be wonderful at check-in when you're giving in your baggage,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13if you could do the baggage you want to give in,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16if you could check-in emotional baggage.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18That would be wonderful.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21To arrive at the airport depressed and when they go,
0:11:21 > 0:11:26"Have you got anything to declare, you go, "Yeah, I just don't think she's coming home."
0:11:30 > 0:11:36After the misery of the flight, we all look forward to what we think is going to be our dream holiday.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45The best holiday that I've been on was Disneyland.
0:11:45 > 0:11:50The first hour I spent 7,000 in the Star Wars shop.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I like getting on the golden sands of the beaches.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I wanted everything there, it was amazing!
0:11:55 > 0:12:00There they were all topless, I tell you, all shapes and sizes!
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- It blew me away. - It makes your holiday.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07My dream holiday would be to go to Disneyland with Dawn French.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Touring around Europe with Picasso.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12It would have to be Gandhi.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Nice.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16We'd probably get about on a donkey.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19David Ginola, so I could play with his hair on the plane, etc.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Yeah, Picasso and I donkeying around.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I think me, David, and Gandhi would have a blast.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Ten days in the hotel in Barbados
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Sandra Bullock, definitely. Feeding me stuff.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Anywhere with Billy Connelly, really.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38A couple of months with Roman Abramovich.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43You could sit in a box with Billy Connelly and have a great time.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46I think I'd maybe have to tie him up and throw him in the basement,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49because don't want to talk to him - I just want to go on his boat.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58So that's our dream holidays.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01We all know that that's not what really happens.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04What really happens is what happened to us.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05We arrived at this place,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08you turn up and there's that scramble for your luggage.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12That's horrible because you know what your bag looks like
0:13:12 > 0:13:15until it's on a conveyor belt when everyone else had bought the same bag.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20We're stood there on this package holiday waiting for the bags
0:13:20 > 0:13:24and there was someone with a similar bag and I didn't want to pick up their bag in case it had a bomb in it
0:13:24 > 0:13:32And Melanie, my wife, said what you need to do, identify your luggage by tying a big pink ribbon on it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I said I'd rather lose the bag.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43But what happened, we arrived at this place.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44We went to Portugal.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48We flew into Faro in Portugal and we come out.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I'm not used to what happened.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53We had the scramble for bags, we come out,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56as we come out, there's the holiday rep there.
0:13:56 > 0:14:02She's stood there with an NVQ in clipboard management.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04She's saying, "What flight are you off?"
0:14:04 > 0:14:10"Manchester". "All right, what's yer name?"
0:14:10 > 0:14:11"You're on bus 15".
0:14:11 > 0:14:14We're walking over to the bus
0:14:14 > 0:14:18and you're looking at everyone else on your flight thinking,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"I hope they're not in our hotel!"
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I've no idea why, I just don't like them.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26We got on the bus...
0:14:26 > 0:14:31We arrive, get on the bus and are putting our bags on the bus.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34And we're sat on the bus and this is so typically British.
0:14:34 > 0:14:3875 people filter onto the bus
0:14:38 > 0:14:43cos obviously what's meant to happen is it's meant to be an airport transfer.
0:14:43 > 0:14:50That's not what happens. It's an airport tour around every hotel in the resort.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I was sat on the bus and she comes on the bus - the rep.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58We're sat there. English people who haven't said a word to each other on the flight.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01British people won't speak to each other on the flight.
0:15:01 > 0:15:07She goes, "Hello, everybody. My name's Debbie. I'm your holiday rep.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11"This is Pedro, your driver.
0:15:11 > 0:15:18"Everyone say, "Hola, Pedro!"" 75 British people went, "Hola, Pedro!"
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Cos our holiday's begun.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22He's not even from Portugal.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25He's some lad from Wigan who went over there to be a DJ in the '90s.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29He just happened to have a black moustache.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Then he starts all that stuff you get when you're abroad.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34He puts the radio on and you hear all the...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36MIMICS FOREIGN RADIO
0:15:36 > 0:15:41"..Robbie Williams, Angels." Oh, yay. We're on holiday now!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43And it is... That transfer is not a transfer.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46You think, "I'll get picked up and taken to my hotel."
0:15:46 > 0:15:49They don't - they take you round everyone else' hotel,
0:15:49 > 0:15:51which is always better than YOUR hotel.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54We're sat on this bus and we turned into one hotel,
0:15:54 > 0:15:58it had water slides, it had pools, it had mini golf, it had nightclubs,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01it had the patio terrace overlooking the sea.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06And Debbie gets up and goes, "Hello, we're at the Hotel Los Alamos.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08"Is the Patel family here?"
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I looked at this Indian family sleeping on the back and said,
0:16:12 > 0:16:13"Come on, kids, we're off.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15"Come on.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16"This is where we're staying."
0:16:16 > 0:16:19But once you get there, you can't help it.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22No matter who you are and no matter how cool you think you are,
0:16:22 > 0:16:24you turn into a Brit abroad.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I have been...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33embarrassed and ashamed to be British.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Male Brits abroad are an absolute nightmare, bless them!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38We are loud lager louts!
0:16:38 > 0:16:43We're dreadful - I'm not but they are. Somebody is.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I quite like Brits abroad. A lot people have a problem with it.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I think I'm a total Brit abroad when I go away.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I am that typical Brit abroad - that terrible cliche
0:16:51 > 0:16:52that we all laugh about.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55The type that has the Union Jack shorts.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56"Eng-er-lund!"
0:16:56 > 0:16:57Bulldog tattoo!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59"Shall we get tattoos? Let's do it."
0:16:59 > 0:17:01"All right, darling. Wahey!"
0:17:01 > 0:17:03There's always that thing
0:17:03 > 0:17:05where you'll be on the beach or in a restaurant
0:17:05 > 0:17:08and you'll hear someone speaking English.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"Oh, you English?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"Oh, so am I! Where are you from?"
0:17:12 > 0:17:15As long as I get my fry-up in the morning...
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Take your brioche, stick it up it! - ..I'm happy.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I'm having a full English fry-up.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21What do you mean no sausages? Get them in.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26One night, we either had the choice of crocodile, zebra or giraffe.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Who wants to eat that muck?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38When we arrive on holiday, one thing that's a new phenomenon
0:17:38 > 0:17:42that never used to exist, was the all-inclusive holiday.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45The all-inclusive wristband. We arrived at this hotel.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48We were given our all-inclusive wristband.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Who's ever been on one of those holidays?
0:17:50 > 0:17:51- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:17:51 > 0:17:52They're popular now.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56And, for some of us, that wristband represents convenience.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59It's something that means the kids aren't going to hassle you
0:17:59 > 0:18:03for glasses of Coke or ice creams. It makes life easy.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07For SOME of us! For some people, it's a challenge.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10You see them turn up with two sets of luggage -
0:18:10 > 0:18:14the one that fits them now and the one that will fit them in two weeks.
0:18:15 > 0:18:21You do, you see them every day, looking to see if their body's grown over the wristband.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Getting the kids and stuffing it in at 10 o'clock in the morning.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"Get the chips! Get 'em in! They're free, get 'em in!
0:18:27 > 0:18:32"Get 'em in, get 'em in! Come on! Now go for a swim."
0:18:35 > 0:18:38All-inclusive is a great idea, but instead of having,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41you know, having a height bar that they have at Disneyland?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Do you know what, they should have a width bar.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48"Look, look, sorry, we can't afford you two coming in.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50"There's not going to be anything left for anything else."
0:18:50 > 0:18:55But what happens is you get into it, and as I say it's this "Brit Abroad" mentality.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56You don't think it'll happen to you.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Because I'd never had experience of a package holiday before,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I'd never been through it. The first morning, we woke up,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06I turn up to look for a sun lounger. You know, the thing to lie on.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09At half nine in the morning.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Oh, what a fool am I.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17You could see people looking at you going, "Half nine in the morning? Not a chance, dickhead!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:21You've got no chance! All of a sudden, as a man,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23that becomes your role.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25That's what you have to do.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29It's like the modern equivalent of hunting for food.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33You get up in the morning to say, "I am going to hunt the sun loungers.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"I am going to provide sun loungers for my family."
0:19:36 > 0:19:39We used to lie there, and we could see people coming,
0:19:39 > 0:19:43making the same mistake that I made, coming in late and not having anything.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Whole families walking like wounded wildebeest...
0:19:49 > 0:19:52And everyone's going, "Ah, no chance, knobhead! Go on!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54"I'm here by the water.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56"Go on, get in the car park, you've got no chance."
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You even come up to that pathetic bit,
0:19:59 > 0:20:04you know when they're looking for a spare. They're going "Is anyone using them?" "No, go away."
0:20:04 > 0:20:07No-one's sat on it all day but my towel's on it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Because that's what happens! That's how you claim it!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12And that's acceptable, I think.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15We've all learned that there's a way of dealing with things.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17And that's how you claim it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19You put your towel on, that makes it yours.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22It's the human equivalent of pissing on your patch.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24If you're a man in the morning,
0:20:24 > 0:20:26you put your towel on, that's how you claim it.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29We were on holiday at this place for two weeks.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31We'd got into a routine, in the first week.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33On the eighth day,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36there was obviously a new batch of people who come in.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39People who didn't know that that was our corner.
0:20:39 > 0:20:45Who didn't recognise that those sun loungers were the Bishop family sun loungers.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49I came down on the eighth day, and I wasn't late!
0:20:51 > 0:20:54It was at 7.15.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56That's not late, in sun lounger land.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58And by which point, I'd been there for a week,
0:20:58 > 0:21:00so I felt like I owned the place.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I come down to the sun loungers, we used to have this row of five,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06and the sun lounger in the middle,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09IN THE MIDDLE, was claimed.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11THAT annoyed me,
0:21:11 > 0:21:12that it disrupted my row of five.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15But do you know what it was claimed with?
0:21:15 > 0:21:17A flip-flop!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- A- FLIP-FLOP!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Not two flip-flops! I went down, I thought,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"You better have one leg, you bastard!"
0:21:36 > 0:21:41But it's not just me who has problems with sun loungers.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48We were on holiday when I was younger, I think we went to Spain.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50And you know what it's like, the sort of,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52fight for sun loungers and stuff.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Anyway, my mum had got up really early especially to go and get, like, this sun lounger.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Put her towel on it, went and did a little couple of bits and come back.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03When she come back, there was this woman laying on her sun lounger,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06with my mum's towel just thrown on the floor.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"Well, what's goin' on here?"
0:22:08 > 0:22:11So the woman gets up, so my mum just pushes her straight in the pool.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Which I think is fair enough.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14It turns out she can't swim,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16so then, this woman's flapping about,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19lifeguards, people jumping in, husbands, children,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21all trying to save this woman.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23My mum's like, "Leave her, leave her!"
0:22:23 > 0:22:25She got her sun lounger, so she don't care.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28My mum gets charged like, 50 Euros for breach of the peace,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31because she pushed this bird in. It's her own fault, I would have let her drown.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I'm probably like a lot of people here, I didn't have that type of holiday.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I didn't have that problem with my Mum,
0:22:45 > 0:22:46cos we never went abroad.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50We didn't have that type of life. There was nothing more exciting
0:22:50 > 0:22:53when I was a kid than escaping to a whole new world
0:22:53 > 0:22:57by getting in a car and driving for an hour to get on holiday.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59That's what we did. We had holidays in a car.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01We went to places like Wales.
0:23:01 > 0:23:08We had car trips, and they were proper car trips, I mean, my dad, my dad invented the people carrier!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10No-one believes this, but he did.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13When we were kids, my Dad invented the people carrier.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16We had a Ford Escort van and you know the panels on the van?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20He cut the panels out the side of the van and put glass in
0:23:20 > 0:23:23and put a bench in the back, and said, "There you go!"
0:23:23 > 0:23:28No DVD player, that was it! No seatbelts! We lived in a different world, then.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30If you fell out the car it was your own friggin' fault.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37And we also... We also had a Hillman Imp. This is true, this.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40I remember us going on a camper holiday when we were kids.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43And we went to Bala, you know, in North Wales.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45And my dad had this silver Imp,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48so there was me, my mum and dad, my two sisters, my brother and our dog.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49And the tent.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52The tent wasn't a person, it was just a tent.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55But it meant something else to go in the car.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58We all had to get in the car, put the tent on the roof.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00And the Hillman Imp couldn't get up the hills.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02They were crap cars, weren't they?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04So what we had to do, on the holiday,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07we had to get out at the bottom of the hill, walk up the hill...
0:24:09 > 0:24:10..and meet my dad at the top.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14There were some hills, we overtook him on the way up!
0:24:14 > 0:24:15And at the top of the hill,
0:24:15 > 0:24:19we'd get back in the car like it was a toboggan and go flying down it.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24And cars were different, as well.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26They were made to be stuffy.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Nobody enjoyed a car trip then - they were made to be stuffy.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32It's like they pumped all that stuffiness in
0:24:32 > 0:24:35so that you could be carsick while your mum and dad smoked in the front.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39And the whole thing about that -
0:24:39 > 0:24:41both them smoking and the stuffiness -
0:24:41 > 0:24:43meant there was always a bit where,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46after about three quarters of an hour, you'd have to stop at a lay-by.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50And that's where trips are different now. Because my mum used to say,
0:24:50 > 0:24:55"We're going to go on a trip. We're going to go MILES away, we're going to Rhyl.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58"So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to pack a picnic."
0:24:58 > 0:24:59So she'd pack a picnic.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02So we'd drive and then we'd stop at a lay-by.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06It was always around Chester cos that was ages for us to get to Chester.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08We used to stop and have a picnic in a lay-by.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12I was speaking to me missus recently and I said, "Look,"
0:25:12 > 0:25:14we were taking the kids down to North Wales,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17and I said, "Why don't we do what I used to do when I was a kid?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20"Instead of stopping at a service station and stuff, we'll pack a picnic.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25"We'll get in the car, and we'll pull over, and we'll have a picnic in a lay-by."
0:25:25 > 0:25:29And my youngest lad said, "What about all the people dogging?"
0:25:34 > 0:25:38I thought, "How does he know about dogging?! He's only got a bike!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42"Surely, at least you need a windscreen?"
0:25:42 > 0:25:44But the most exciting thing that happened to me
0:25:44 > 0:25:48when I was a kid was Blackpool Illuminations.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Now, just give me a cheer
0:25:50 > 0:25:52if you went to Blackpool Illuminations as a kid.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56You did! You did, cos you're from the North.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00And Northern people went to the Blackpool Illuminations
0:26:00 > 0:26:02because it was like a rite of passage.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04For Northerners, it's like our Mecca.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Yeah, you have to go there and pay homage -
0:26:08 > 0:26:10to tack - at least once a year.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14And I went... I mean, I couldn't do it now.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18You couldn't say to your kids, "Come on, let's go to the Blackpool Illuminations."
0:26:18 > 0:26:19That's basically saying,
0:26:19 > 0:26:23"Do you want to come and sit in a very colourful traffic jam?"
0:26:24 > 0:26:28But I went to the Blackpool Illuminations when I was 11, right?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I was 11 years of age.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34It was 1977 and anyone who went to the Blackpool Illuminations
0:26:34 > 0:26:36will tell you the most exciting thing
0:26:36 > 0:26:39was who was going to turn on the Blackpool Illuminations.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44There was a massive buzz about who might turn on the Blackpool Illuminations.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47We were waiting to see what big celebrity was going to do...
0:26:47 > 0:26:49There was a rumour along the promenade
0:26:49 > 0:26:52it was going to be Little and Large. I couldn't believe my luck!
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Do you know who turned on the Blackpool Illuminations in 1977?
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Red Rum!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05A friggin' horse!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07They couldn't even get people to do it!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09When he walked on to the podium,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12all the donkeys on the beach were going, "You big-headed bastard!"
0:27:16 > 0:27:17But I have to be honest...
0:27:17 > 0:27:21My kids, they're teenage lads and they're getting to that point
0:27:21 > 0:27:24where they want to stop going on holiday with us.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27But I went on holiday with my parents all the way until I was 17.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31And the last holiday I went on with my parents, I went CAMPING
0:27:31 > 0:27:34with my parents. I was a 17-year-old boy.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Can you imagine how awkward that was? I was 17!
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I did what every 17-year-old boy does, I hung around the arcade.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44I was trying to be cool - trying to pull some birds.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Not easy when you're camping because at some point they're going
0:27:48 > 0:27:51to see you walking to the toilet block with bog roll in your hand.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:53 > 0:27:57It's not easy to be cool, looking at them go, "I'll get rid of this and then I'll see you later."
0:27:57 > 0:28:01LAUGHTER
0:28:01 > 0:28:06But it seems everyone, at one point, has had a nightmare family holiday.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Family holidays. They all just all end in tears.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15I live with my family, work with my family,
0:28:15 > 0:28:17and we all go on holiday together.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Some people think that's very odd.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23My folks had a caravan in Little Hampton, classy(!)
0:28:23 > 0:28:25We used to go down there a lot and go to the local swimming baths.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29We go on holiday to Blackpool for a weekend once a year.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31I'd barely put on my Speedos,
0:28:31 > 0:28:34and my mum had jumped into the swimming pool...
0:28:34 > 0:28:38My mum likes to come on the rides, because she wants to think she's still young.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40..swam all the way to the giant inflatable,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43kicked off any kid that was in her path,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45climbed on top of the spider,
0:28:45 > 0:28:46"Yes, I've done it!"
0:28:46 > 0:28:49But my mum is very much like a puppy.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Gets very excited and wets herself.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54I remember literally dying of embarrassment.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56When you're going down, she goes "Wheeee!"
0:28:56 > 0:29:00but she don't just go "Wheee!" she actually does wee!
0:29:00 > 0:29:02What mothers behave like that?
0:29:02 > 0:29:06One of the benefits of my parents divorcing was that my dad
0:29:06 > 0:29:09went to work as a rep in Spain and France.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12So come the summer holidays, I would just go away for six weeks.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15Family holidays were really fun, they were like,
0:29:15 > 0:29:17really naughty and badly-behaved.
0:29:17 > 0:29:18Really naughty!
0:29:18 > 0:29:22But I'm from a broken home, so there are some negatives.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25Me and my sister went with my Dad to Wales, it was crap.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28I can remember taking the children to these great ancestral homes,
0:29:28 > 0:29:30Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty...
0:29:30 > 0:29:34It was raining, my dad wanted to go fishing, climbing up dirty mountains,
0:29:34 > 0:29:35we were having none of it.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38..and all they did was sit in the back of the car, with headphones on,
0:29:38 > 0:29:43going chig-a chig-a chig-a, "When is the McDonald's coming?"
0:29:43 > 0:29:44Great(!)
0:29:49 > 0:29:54There was a point in that clip then, where Speedos were mentioned.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58And there was a massive "urgh" around the room.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00And that, to be fair, is acceptable.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Because we all know Speedos don't work on anyone.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06You don't look cool when you look like you're walking round
0:30:06 > 0:30:09with a bag of hammers in front of you.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13But that's what happens when you're on holiday, you dress in a way you would never normally dress.
0:30:13 > 0:30:17There's people here who've done it. There's people who've thought,
0:30:17 > 0:30:21"Well, this sarong looks fantastic. I'll wear it when I go down the pub."
0:30:21 > 0:30:25It's not easy when you turn up and your mates go, "Dave, why are you wearing a sarong?"
0:30:25 > 0:30:30See, it's great. It's like this suit, to be honest with you.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34I know, I know! Somebody said, "Look, you're going to do a show,
0:30:34 > 0:30:37"Saturday night telly, get a suit, get a suit!
0:30:37 > 0:30:41"Get a sharp suit!" Obviously, what they've thought is, "He's a Scouser,
0:30:41 > 0:30:45"let's try and get him a suit that's as close to a shellsuit as possible."
0:30:51 > 0:30:55But that thing that was said at the end, about going on holiday with your kids,
0:30:55 > 0:30:59and how they've changed. What I tried to do for New Year this year, I had a massive year.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03This year I had a huge tour that took a lot of time, so I spent a lot of time away.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07So what I did is I said, "I want some time with the kids.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11"I want to have a Christmas like we used to have when we were kids."
0:31:11 > 0:31:15You know, where you'd all sit around a log fire, playing board games.
0:31:16 > 0:31:21Never happened, to be honest. But I've turned into me dad.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24I've started remembering things that never actually happened. I have!
0:31:24 > 0:31:27I've started pointing at things, saying,
0:31:27 > 0:31:29"See that - I remember when all that was field."
0:31:29 > 0:31:32I don't! In my head I do, cos that's what happens.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36So I thought I want to go and have that kind of Christmas together.
0:31:36 > 0:31:41So at Christmas, I booked a cottage in Berwick-upon-Tweed.
0:31:41 > 0:31:46I said it needs to be a cottage with no internet access, no Sky TV, none of that stuff.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50I just want the kind of holiday we used to have.
0:31:50 > 0:31:55We ended up going up there on New Year and spending New Year up in Berwick-upon-Tweed.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59- Does anyone know where Berwick-upon-Tweed is?- Yes.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03It's miles away! For those who don't know, it is miles away from anywhere.
0:32:03 > 0:32:08It's on the border between Scotland, England and Narnia.
0:32:10 > 0:32:16- JOHN'S VOICE:- I phoned up and said, "I want to rent this but I want to make sure there's no internet access
0:32:16 > 0:32:18"so they can't play X-Box and stuff like that."
0:32:18 > 0:32:22He said, "Internet? It's Berwick, son, you haven't even got Ceefax."
0:32:23 > 0:32:26We drove all the way up there. It took us ages to get there.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30- There was me, Melanie, the three boys and the dog. - WOOF! WOOF!
0:32:30 > 0:32:35We turned up at Berwick-upon-Tweed and turned up at the cottage. I said to the kids,
0:32:35 > 0:32:38"You can't take your phones." I took my phone. I said,
0:32:38 > 0:32:43"You can't take your phones. This is going to be us having board games, having a family holiday."
0:32:43 > 0:32:47We arrived at the cottage, we're emptying the car,
0:32:47 > 0:32:51I'm trying to get the kids to carry the bags in. I don't know if anyone's ever tried
0:32:51 > 0:32:57to get a teenage boy to do ANYTHING. But it is, all of a sudden,
0:32:57 > 0:33:00like you've made them a slave. "Why do I have to carry the bag?
0:33:00 > 0:33:07"Why do I have to carry all my own stuff to my own room in my own bag? I hate you."
0:33:08 > 0:33:14"Leave the bags, I'll put the bags in. Yous three go in the living room put the telly on." "OK."
0:33:14 > 0:33:19I walked into the living room 15 minutes later and this is how the world has changed.
0:33:19 > 0:33:23I walked in and I asked that there was no satellite television,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26but there was an normal telly, a telly
0:33:26 > 0:33:31with a back on it, a telly. I walked in, the kids are sat on the couch like that.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35I said, "What's wrong? They said, "It's crap here. "Why?" "The telly doesn't even work."
0:33:37 > 0:33:42I walked over to the television,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44I pressed a button,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46the telly came on, my kids thought I was a wizard.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52APPLAUSE
0:33:55 > 0:33:59"What have you done now?" I said, "That's what happens." They said, "We can't hear it."
0:33:59 > 0:34:01I said, "You walk over, turn it up and then you sit down.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05"If you don't like it, you walk over and turn it over."
0:34:05 > 0:34:08I said, "That's how we used to live. That's why we're not as fat as you lot."
0:34:10 > 0:34:14But you have different expectations My kids have always gone abroad.
0:34:14 > 0:34:19The last holiday we went on was half-term. We went skiing. Skiing(!)
0:34:19 > 0:34:22I went skiing! Scousers shouldn't go skiing.
0:34:22 > 0:34:29We turned up in France and I tell you what, skiing would not exist
0:34:29 > 0:34:32if we had the Alps. It wouldn't.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34If the Alps were in Britain, we wouldn't have skiing cos
0:34:34 > 0:34:37Health and safety wouldn't allow it.
0:34:37 > 0:34:42If you turned up at the Alps in Britain someone would say, "Can you do this?"
0:34:42 > 0:34:45No-one gives a shit in France.
0:34:45 > 0:34:51Honest to God. I turned up and you should never go skiing unless you know what you're doing as well.
0:34:51 > 0:34:54Genetically, some people were born to ski.
0:34:54 > 0:34:59The only people who should go skiing have got kids called Henry and Giles.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03They're the ones who seem to know how to get on and off a chairlift.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05You sit down, the kids are cool.
0:35:05 > 0:35:10I'm sat on the lift saying to my kids, "Will you sit down! It's dangerous out here!"
0:35:10 > 0:35:15But you can turn up in France, honestly,
0:35:15 > 0:35:19get a set of skis, get on a chairlift,
0:35:19 > 0:35:21go to the top of the mountain,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24all the way up and no-one ever says "Can you do this?"
0:35:24 > 0:35:29No-one is interested. I got to the top of the mountain in France, I put the skis down
0:35:29 > 0:35:33I stood on the skis, I looked at the French ski instructor
0:35:33 > 0:35:37and said, "Sorry, mate, I don't know what to do, I've never done this before."
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- FRENCH ACCENT:- He said, "I don't care."
0:35:40 > 0:35:42And he pissed off!
0:35:42 > 0:35:47But we've all had different experiences of holidays from hell.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55My idea of a holiday from hell
0:35:55 > 0:35:58is when people try to be too over active.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00I don't get skiing holidays.
0:36:00 > 0:36:05I've got friends who wanted to ride bicycles around France.
0:36:05 > 0:36:08I'm happy to go around France, but I'd rather go in a car.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11Good God, I would have no interest in camping at all.
0:36:11 > 0:36:17I just don't see how living in a caravan for a week can be classed as a holiday.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20The only camping I want to do is in gay clubs with my gay friends.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I went on holiday with a good-looking pop star,
0:36:23 > 0:36:25one of my closest friends,
0:36:25 > 0:36:29who then had a freak out, threw a pineapple at my head.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31- I don't want to be bitten. - I threw a Versace shoe at him.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35- I don't want to be chased. - He threw a fruit bowl at my head, the chandelier dropped.
0:36:35 > 0:36:40- I don't want to be exhausted.- That's normal in my life. It's no big deal.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43The worst idea of holiday would be a package holiday.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47Ibiza at its worst or something like that would be a nightmare.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50Or... A-bith-a?
0:36:50 > 0:36:54It's not, is it? What do you call it? That island. Did I say it right?
0:36:54 > 0:36:56APPLAUSE
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Duncan, you can afford to buy it.
0:37:04 > 0:37:07You can call Ibiza whatever you want.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Ibtha-tha-tha-tha...
0:37:09 > 0:37:13It's true, when you look at it, Ibiza and places like that
0:37:13 > 0:37:17have changed our perception of holidays because of the 18-30s.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20The 18-30s holidays have changed everything.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23And I'm like a lot of men in here.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27I think would I get away with it if I dyed my hair?
0:37:27 > 0:37:28LAUGHTER
0:37:28 > 0:37:31It shouldn't really be 18-30s because if you're 30
0:37:31 > 0:37:35and you're still going, there's something very, very sad about that.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37The thing is... We've all seen them.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40When you're at the airport and you see the lads
0:37:40 > 0:37:43and the girls arriving at the 18-30s holiday.
0:37:43 > 0:37:47It's like the opening scenes of an episode of Casualty.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50You see them and you know one of them is going to be leaving in a wheelchair.
0:37:50 > 0:37:55The problem with the 18-30s holiday is they're built up for one thing
0:37:55 > 0:38:00and they're all driven by the reps who are like oversexed puppies.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Have you seen them? They're like the Chuckle Brothers on crack.
0:38:03 > 0:38:09"Hey, hey, I'm Mad Baz. Mad Baz. Suck us off. I'm mad Baz!
0:38:09 > 0:38:14"Hey, later on, we're going to have lilo races. Suck us off. Lilo races.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17"Shots at the end. Go on, suck us off. Hey, it'll be great fun.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20"Everyone into town for this. Suck us off, suck us off."
0:38:20 > 0:38:22They are. They drive everything.
0:38:22 > 0:38:27When you see them as well, there's always amongst the 18-30s reps
0:38:27 > 0:38:31the oldest rep in town. The one who's been there,
0:38:31 > 0:38:36who's done every possible slammer, who's attended every possible foam party,
0:38:36 > 0:38:40who's attended every event there could've been
0:38:40 > 0:38:44and you look at him and you can see in his eyes he's hardened to it all.
0:38:44 > 0:38:49He's had over a decade of it. He's like a Vietnam vet.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52And you talk to him and he goes, "Yeah, man.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55"Magaluf, '92.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57"I don't want to talk about it.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01"We lost some good boys that time.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05And some nights when I look into the sunset
0:39:05 > 0:39:09and I can see that inflatable banana going off and...
0:39:11 > 0:39:15..in my heart I can hear Agado-do-do,
0:39:15 > 0:39:19push pineapple, shake the tree.
0:39:24 > 0:39:29I've got a mate, who's been a rep for 18-30s and he's now 42.
0:39:29 > 0:39:34When you see him, he looks like Ronnie Wood on a bad day.
0:39:35 > 0:39:42But you give up 18-30s, well, most people give up 18-30s anyway when you stop being single
0:39:42 > 0:39:46and then you end up going on holiday just to have sex
0:39:46 > 0:39:50with the person you live with all year and don't have sex with.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54That's what it's about. You go on holiday and everybody who books a holiday...
0:39:54 > 0:39:58Every man who books a holiday at least, has that in their head,
0:39:58 > 0:40:01that this is going to be a little bit of a rumpy pumpy time.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04We'll get the magic back. It's that kind of thing.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08What's worse for British men is when you're there, you forget you're abroad,
0:40:08 > 0:40:12you forget that in your mind you can try and be as romantic as you want.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14You can try and be as sexy as you want
0:40:14 > 0:40:19but you're surrounded by foreigners who are just a lot better than you.
0:40:19 > 0:40:25You see the Spanish men looking at the Spanish women, taking them for a paella.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29And then a flamenco and then taking them home for mad, passionate love.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32And then you see the Italians walking along the Piazza,
0:40:32 > 0:40:35holding hands, looking in their girlfriends' eyes.
0:40:35 > 0:40:39And then taking them home for mad, passionate love.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43And then you hear the English people, sat there, with her saying,
0:40:43 > 0:40:48"You can as long as you don't touch me sunburn or burp in my face."
0:40:52 > 0:40:55APPLAUSE
0:41:00 > 0:41:03And if you do go with your partner,
0:41:03 > 0:41:07you've always got to be on the lookout for the locals.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11I was on honeymoon with my new wife in the Seychelles.
0:41:11 > 0:41:15We met on the beach this man called Serge,
0:41:15 > 0:41:18who was one of those kind of beach, holiday kind of people.
0:41:18 > 0:41:22He asked us whether we'd like to go snorkelling. Well, I can't swim,
0:41:22 > 0:41:28so snorkelling isn't very high up on my list of priorities on holiday.
0:41:28 > 0:41:33So off she went and what apparently happened was that
0:41:33 > 0:41:40they went on to this beach at which point Serge started to get a bit fruity with her and said,
0:41:40 > 0:41:45"I sex your body now." Hilary said, "You do not sex my body, Serge.
0:41:45 > 0:41:50"I'm on honeymoon." "Oh, no, that man, that man is your father."
0:41:50 > 0:41:54She said, "No he's not my father, he's my husband."
0:41:54 > 0:41:58He said, "He is too old for you. I sex your body now."
0:41:58 > 0:42:01So he went for a second go at this as though Hilary would have said,
0:42:01 > 0:42:05"Yeah, you're right, he's a bit old, I'd forgotten. Go on, go for it."
0:42:05 > 0:42:08I wanted to go and sort Serge out,
0:42:08 > 0:42:12but Serge was kind of 6 ft 6, huge, muscular,
0:42:12 > 0:42:17so I decided not to and I felt guilty about it ever since,
0:42:17 > 0:42:20that I didn't sock him one. "Chin him" I think is the phrase.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24I sex your body now.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33That was holidays.
0:42:33 > 0:42:36Tonight has taught me that Duncan Bannatyne might be loaded,
0:42:36 > 0:42:38but he can't speak.
0:42:38 > 0:42:44Brits will do anything for a sun lounger and you can never trust a man called Serge.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48I sex your body. Good night.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:05 > 0:43:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk