0:00:20 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Thank you, thank you.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43On tonight's show, I'll talk about food.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Let's be honest, food has changed dramatically.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Cos dads now cook. Men cook. That didn't happen when I was growing up.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I remember being a kid, walking into the kitchen,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55seeing me dad cooking, and I just started crying
0:00:55 > 0:00:58cos I thought me mum had left.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01To find out what the British public really think about food,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I've spoken to hundreds of people about the subject.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09And this is a look at the people we interviewed.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12That represents Britain to the rest of the world.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And this is a taster of what they had to say.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Oh, I do love eating out.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Rubbery and vile.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Never eat dog.- Tastes like rubber.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23It's a nightmare experience every time.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Slithering down me throat? No, thank you.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Hideous. - I find the whole thing quite erotic.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31They do slip down your throat so marvellously well.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35We'll be hearing what they think throughout the show,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37plus there'll be a few sketches.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Tonight, the subject we're going to be talking about is food.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Something that means a lot to everyone in the room, cos we need it.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47We all have it every single day, everybody eats every day,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51unless, of course, you're Victoria Beckham.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53But food has changed completely as an activity.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57There used to be that thing, where families, at least once a week,
0:01:57 > 0:02:01would eat together. You would sit down, have your Sunday roast
0:02:01 > 0:02:04and you would all eat together and everyone made the effort.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06You would do that so, when you ate together,
0:02:06 > 0:02:11you realised why, for the rest of the week, you were best apart. Because it was a nightmare.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14But it was during that time that we had those Sunday roasts,
0:02:14 > 0:02:18that something happened to me that was a massive step into manhood.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24I was 19 years of age, it was 1985. I went home.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27My mum had got the Sunday roast together and I said,
0:02:27 > 0:02:31"Mum, I'm not eating that. I'm a vegetarian."
0:02:33 > 0:02:39This is 1985, remember. This is at the time of Live Aid.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43My mum said, "Look, son, I'm not sending your ham to Africa,
0:02:43 > 0:02:44"it'll never get there."
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I said "That's not the reason. I'm a vegetarian from now on."
0:02:47 > 0:02:51She just went... "You better tell your father."
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I went in. I told my dad I was a vegetarian.
0:02:54 > 0:02:59My dad looked at me like I'd just told him I joined Village People.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03# It's fun to stay at the YMCA... #
0:03:03 > 0:03:07But nothing changed, we still had the Sunday roast.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Anyone here that was vegetarian then, will tell you this was how it was.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14There wasn't any Quorn, there wasn't any Linda McCartney meals.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17What happened is, you had the same roast as everyone else.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22You had the potatoes, you had the veg, you had the gravy
0:03:22 > 0:03:24but instead of having the chicken,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26you had a five-inch pizza on top.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35That's what I had. Five... Because also in 1985,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39five-inch pizza was the only pizza you were going to get.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44You would go to Iceland or Kwik Save and they had them in packets of seven.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Cheese and tomato, that's all you were getting in his country.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52Cheese and tomato pizza, and that was exotic. It was that big.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57That big. That's how pizza was. That was the only pizza that we knew.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Now, you can get pizza and it comes to your house.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06In 1985 you couldn't get pizza to your house, but you could get bin men.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19But we all remember the different foods we ate when we were growing up.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27I've got an auntie in Dumbarton that used to experiment on me,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30and she came up with the bright idea of having choc ice and chips.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33When I was growing up, I hated custard creams.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Which really could have been disgusting, but she saved the day
0:04:36 > 0:04:37by putting salad cream on it.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41I remember having to eat broad beans, which I absolutely hated.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- Pilchards.- Peas.- Hairy fish. - Brussels sprouts.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Rice pudding. Anything with a skin on it.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Jarred beetroot at my grandmother's. - Oh, I loved it!
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I had a very strange habit of drinking vinegar out of the bottle.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55As a kid, everything had to have brown sauce on it.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00Then just to mix things up, I'd put a bit of HP sauce in the lid and drink it, like brown sauce.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02When I was a child in Africa,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05food was something that one's servants created for you.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08When I was young, I went through a period of only wanting small food,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11so things had to be cut up into very small pieces.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15The service was always impeccable. The food, a little less interesting.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18My sister hated vegetables. When my mum and dad weren't looking,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21she used to shove it down the back of the radiator
0:05:21 > 0:05:23which was behind the dinner table.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Me brother would go nowhere near a vegetable. Anything orange or green.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Which was fine until we turned the central heating on in the winter,
0:05:31 > 0:05:36and then the whole house had this kind of, rotten, cabbagey smell.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41I used to get called a human dustbin. The little Hoover.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- I used to eat everything.- Fatty!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I still get called fat girl by this stupid cow.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57What I love about that, is it's nice to see two sisters getting on well.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00They go "I love her, the fat girl, stupid cow."
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Soon as the camera went, "Who you calling a stupid cow?"
0:06:04 > 0:06:07The thing is, food has changed from when we were kids.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10A butty used to be a butty. A butty. I'm saying butty,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13I forgot there might be some posh people in here from Chester.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Sandwich.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17But it was a thing that you understood.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20You could go into a cafe and say, "Can I have a butty?".
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Now, you can't have that, you've got an array of options.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27You've got this other thing, now, called a wrap.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28What a load of bollocks.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33A wrap is basically just a sleeping bag for food.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Cos you roll it up. The idea is that if you eat a wrap,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41there's less calories than eating a sandwich,
0:06:41 > 0:06:44and there is, because everything you put in the wrap comes out,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46as soon as you bite into it.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48The other thing as well,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51which I don't even know where this thing came from.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Paninis. Paninis.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Did everyone notice when paninis arrived?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01We used to have sandwiches that were a sandwich.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It was bread and inside there was food
0:07:03 > 0:07:07and then someone said, "No. No, you don't want that.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"You want to get what you call a sandwich,
0:07:09 > 0:07:11"you want to run over it
0:07:14 > 0:07:20"and make it red hot, so you can't eat the contents of it."
0:07:20 > 0:07:25It's ridiculous. Like a sandwich used to be... Your butty used to be something you could enjoy.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Something that you would savour.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29A panini?!
0:07:29 > 0:07:33You get this thing in a bag, they flatten it, they steam it and they give it to you
0:07:33 > 0:07:36and you bite into it and it dribbles down your frigging face
0:07:36 > 0:07:41and as far as I'm concerned, for men in their forties,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43eating a panini is like wearing flip flops.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47It should only be something you do when you're abroad.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56But as a nation, we love food that other people make.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58We love it when we go out and eat it,
0:07:58 > 0:08:00we love it when they bring it to our house,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03but sometimes, you've got to cook it yourself.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12When I was 16 years old I did very, very quickly realise
0:08:12 > 0:08:15that cooking was the way to steal a lady's heart.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19My parents used to go away to a holiday home,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21almost every other weekend,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24so, I was left to fend for myself and I was an only child,
0:08:24 > 0:08:29so, I learnt to cook pretty quickly on that one.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34My mum left me a packet of chicken lemon mix, some chicken fillets,
0:08:34 > 0:08:37green peppers, celery, mushrooms
0:08:37 > 0:08:41and that was my aphrodisiac for the ladies, and absolutely amazing.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46The only problem was, we lived in a close-knit community.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49It did become quite a cause celebre,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52that my only meal that I could ever cook and that you were going to get,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54was chicken in lemon sauce.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56If a girl was coming round and I'd say,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"I'm going to cook you a meal tonight",
0:08:58 > 0:09:02she'd go, "Is it chicken in lemon sauce?" And I went, "Oh."
0:09:02 > 0:09:05So, a magical, magical time.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11We used to get something very, very nice for dessert. Definitely.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15It was something prolonged and ecstatic but very tasty.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Let's be honest. His mates have just watched that.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Can you imagine how busy his phone is with text messages going,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"Hey, you're a cock."
0:09:34 > 0:09:35The thing with that,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39at least he's thought about food, relationships and love.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43That's true. You always have that. I've been married now for 18 years
0:09:43 > 0:09:45and you know, it's still part of what we do.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49It seems to be what you need to do to keep a relationship alive.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Recently, before I was going on tour, my wife said,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"You're going to be away for ages." I said "So?"
0:09:54 > 0:09:57She said "Do you want to go out?" I went "Oh, for..."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I thought, I don't want to go out.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I said "Why do you think I go on tour for nine months of the year?"
0:10:03 > 0:10:05And I said, "Nah, I don't want to."
0:10:05 > 0:10:11And then she said those magic words. She said, "Oh, come on, I'll send the kids to me mum's."
0:10:14 > 0:10:18I think we know what's going on there, don't we, guys?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I'll send the kids to me mum's.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22If you happen to be watching this at home,
0:10:22 > 0:10:26and every now and again, you get sent to your grandparents,
0:10:28 > 0:10:30it's cos back at home...
0:10:37 > 0:10:41..your mum and dad are trying to remember what life was like before you were there,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45and they don't want you walking in when they've both got gimp masks on.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51She says, "Oh, come on, I'll send the kids to me mum's."
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I says, "All right." She sent the kids.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Now it's a different thing. We're in our forties.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59When you get the message "Send the kids to your mum's,"
0:10:59 > 0:11:04and you're in your twenties it's different cos then you're just married, you might have a baby.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08You send the kids to your mum's and you go out and you're full of energy.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11You're full of beans. So you'll go out and go for a meal.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14You'll enjoy the meal and then after, you're still full of energy.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You'll go for a few drinks,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19you might even go to a nightclub, disco dancing.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21And that's the way I dance.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23And then even after doing all of that,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26going for a meal, going for a drink, going to a club,
0:11:26 > 0:11:32you'll still go home and you'll still have enough energy...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34..to have a little bit of time with each other,
0:11:34 > 0:11:37cos you're in your twenties and you're full of beans.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Then you get to your thirties, and you send the kids to your mum's,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43generally then, if you've got kids, you've got toddlers
0:11:43 > 0:11:45and you'll have more than one.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48They're running round, and you're knackered,
0:11:48 > 0:11:49all the time.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Cos all you do is work and look after the kids.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55And you're shattered, and you send the kids to your mum's
0:11:55 > 0:11:59and you go out and you sit there opposite each other.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10And then after the meal, you just go home to bed and you just spoon.
0:12:15 > 0:12:21But when you're in your forties and you send the kids to your mum's,
0:12:21 > 0:12:25you just sit there looking at her like that, "Oh, come on!
0:12:25 > 0:12:31"Get it down your neck so we can get it out the way and watch Match Of The Day. Hurry up! Come on!"
0:12:36 > 0:12:39By the time you've reached your forties, what you have done,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42is you've worked out the food you don't like.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Cos everyone has got food that they hate.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I hate things that taste like rubber.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54I hate marzipan.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- Stuff like avocado.- Cabbage. I can't be doing with cabbage.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Indian cuisine. Unfortunately, we do not go hand in glove.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04What is it? Them red colour things... Beetroot.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Offal is the worst thing ever.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Kidneys are hideous.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- I don't like prawns.- The texture.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- I don't like pate.- The flavour.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I don't like sushi, which is very not fashionable.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19They're grotesque.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21I just like proper normal food.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24I don't eat pork and I don't eat lamb.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25I won't eat beef.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I would never eat horse. I would never eat dog.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30You eat beefburgers.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32They're HAMburgers.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34No, we need to go over this later.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35- It's not made out of ham.- It is.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37McDonalds hamburgers are made out of ham.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40But I'll eat bacon, how bizarre is that?
0:13:40 > 0:13:41I won't eat oysters.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Oyster, I think, is basically snot in a shell.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Just the thought of them make me feel bilious.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50I don't like them. Slithering down me throat? No thank you.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Oysters are kind of like heroin. - Why are they an aphrodisiac?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Slipping it down your neck. I find the whole thing quite erotic.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00They do slip down the throat so marvellously well!
0:14:00 > 0:14:04My ex-late husband, bless him, he had about five oysters
0:14:04 > 0:14:06cos you know what they say about oysters,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09but he didn't need them, cos his name was Chopper!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18You know what's brilliant about that?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21There are some foods where you think, "Where did that idea come from?"
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Whose idea was it to look at an oyster
0:14:23 > 0:14:25and think "I want to suck that out."
0:14:26 > 0:14:28There's some foods I've never understood,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31like ham and pineapple pizza.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Who came up with ham and pineapple pizza?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38That's like having your meal and your pudding all at the same time.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Know what I mean? It's like having a chocolate spud.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44It make no sense whatsoever.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47The thing is, now, with food, we've got two sides.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49We've got all the food that we want to eat,
0:14:49 > 0:14:53and all the food that we like, and then this whole diet industry.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57The dieting industry has just ballooned, which is quite ironic.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00But it has. You've got all of these shakes you can have.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04All those adverts. Hey! Was that me? Fat Freddy. Look at me! Look at me!
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Fat Freddy? I've only had a shake a day. Look at me! Fat Freddy.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11No, you're an annoying twat, no matter what you're like.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15And the thing is, you've got this dieting industry
0:15:15 > 0:15:18that's directed toward women, but I don't know if anyone's had a wife
0:15:18 > 0:15:22that's gone to Weight Watchers and they've gone, "Come on.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"Why don't we go on a diet together?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:26"Cos I'm not fat, love."
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Somehow doesn't go down that well.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40The other complication is, you've always got these foods.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44This food's good for you, that food's bad for you. It changes all the time.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48You've now got good fat and bad fat.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51How confusing is that? Good fat and bad fat.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53That's like Dawn French and Ann Widdecombe.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56You can't have that. Fat's fat.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01So, everyone's tried dieting.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Everyone in this country at some point has tried to diet,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07and at some point we've all succumbed to that big temptation.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10The one you can't resist. Fast food.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- I love fast food.- I love curries.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's - I love them all.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Even the action of going into somewhere like McDonalds
0:16:23 > 0:16:24is quite a guilty moment.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I'd have a curry every night with about four or five naan breads.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Bit like maybe going into a sex shop or something like that.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34A deep fried pizza is the taste of Scotland.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I guess my favourite fast food is Chinese.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Fish and chips on Monday.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Chicken balls, the chips, rice.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Burgers, chicken, doughnuts.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Pizza on a Tuesday, curry on a Wednesday.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48The ribs, everything all mixed together. You can't stop eating it.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52You can't just have one burger, can you? I generally have to have two.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55This Chinese monster takes over me and I just keep stuffing my face
0:16:55 > 0:16:57and I sit down and have a rest and chill out.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59And then it's time to go again.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04I think people that eat fast food are stupid.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06My favourite takeaway would have to be KFC.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I love two hot wings and chips.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11I want to shake them. "Do you know what's in this?"
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Takeaways are injected with drugs to make people crave them.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I know it's going to destroy my heart, but it's still quite nice.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Apparently, we have the highest rate of heart attacks in Europe,
0:17:23 > 0:17:24but it's worth it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Your most fatty piece of chicken, please.
0:17:26 > 0:17:32I used to love going to that falafel van on Hampstead Heath, no, not that, after... Yes.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- The falafel van...- Who did you used to meet behind the falafel van?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I've never had a kebab.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- I love kebabs. - What could be more delicious?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Getting Stavros to produce the most fabulous shish kebab.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45It's a great delight.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49If you have a good kebab, there can be no greater pleasure.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Now we all, in this room like fast food of some sort.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I'm not that keen on kebabs, to be honest.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03I just think it's like pole dancing for dogs.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05However, even though we like fast food,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I don't think any one enjoys it as much as this fella.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Can we just see the lad talking about Chinese again?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15This Chinese monster takes over me and I just keep stuffing my face
0:18:15 > 0:18:18and I sit down and have a rest and I chill out.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27There was a point there where he was waving his hands around,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31and you could see he got excited and thought "Sod it, I've just got to have a fluff."
0:18:33 > 0:18:36But now, with food, we've got this whole industry
0:18:36 > 0:18:38that brings food into a different level.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42It's like, now, when you take kids for fast food, they get a toy.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Whose idea was that? Come for something to eat, here's a toy. You don't get it the other way round.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49You don't go to a toy shop, and on your way out they go,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53"Thanks for buying the Lego, there's a hamburger, off you go." Doesn't happen.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58And to me, the big place where you can see happiness and sadness,
0:18:58 > 0:19:02side by side, is McDonalds, Sunday afternoon.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Every man in this room who's been separated from his wife knows what that's like.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10You'd walk in with your kids, cos you don't know what else to do.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14You'd walk into McDonalds. There'd be other people, there'd be a birthday party
0:19:14 > 0:19:21and it'd just be you, with your kids, looking round at all the other divorced men...
0:19:21 > 0:19:22..with their kids.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25You'd go up to the counter and order a Happy Meal.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Can I have some happiness in a box?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43And you sit there with your kids, like, "There you go.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"It's your Happy Meal.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"It's your Happy Meal. It's your Happy Meal."
0:19:48 > 0:19:50And the kids go, "Thanks, Dad."
0:19:50 > 0:19:55They open it up and they'd get a Smurf out and go, "Look, I've got a Smurf."
0:19:55 > 0:20:00They'd go, "Why don't you live with me mum?" I'd go, "I don't know..."
0:20:04 > 0:20:06And because when you're travelling all the time,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10it's very difficult, unless you're going to a chain, to know what to do.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12So, what I did when I was on tour,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16we travelled all over the country, so, we got the AA food guide.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20We thought that would be a great way of finding out good places to eat.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22So, we got the AA food guide.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26I've got to be very honest with you, I was very disappointed in the AA food guide,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29cos all it seemed to do was suggested kebab houses to go to
0:20:29 > 0:20:32at one o'clock in the morning.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Having said that, next time I get a food guide,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I won't get it off Alcoholics Anonymous.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51But it's true. When you travel round you go to different places.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52I did a gig in Birmingham.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55The thing that gets me about the people of Birmingham,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58is they seem to think they invented the curry.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Cos as soon as you get to Birmingham, they said, "No, no, no.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05"You can't leave Birmingham unless you've had a curry." He never said it like that.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09They went (BRUMMIE) "You can't leave Birmingham unless you've had a curry."
0:21:09 > 0:21:11So, you've got to go for a curry.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14There was me, me tour manager and me driver. We went for a curry.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Went to a place called Sandy Lane. Walked along to this curry house
0:21:18 > 0:21:19and it was a Friday night,
0:21:19 > 0:21:23so we did what every bloke does on a Friday night.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28We walked in, we ordered the food, for 50 starving families.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33Went, "We want one of them, two of them, poppadoms, them big crisps, we want loads of them."
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And then we got into that thing that you get into.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37The ego thing.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40You say "What curry do you want?"
0:21:40 > 0:21:45What curry do we want? We'll have vin... I want super vindaloo.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50I want my curry hotter than his curry, I want the hottest thing you've got. In fact, sod the curry,
0:21:50 > 0:21:55let me lick the oven. I want to be in agony at the end.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I want to be in pure pain cos that's the ego thing that takes over.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01We're having this argument over which curry to get
0:22:01 > 0:22:06and then I got asked a question in Birmingham that I've never been asked
0:22:06 > 0:22:08anywhere else in the world.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10They said, "Do you want a naan?" We said "Yeah."
0:22:10 > 0:22:14We got into that naan bread discussion. What kind of naan? Do you want...?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21The whole list. I just said,
0:22:21 > 0:22:27"Look, we'll have three naan breads. Three plain naan breads." And then the question came.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28"How big?"
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I said, "Well, naan big."
0:22:34 > 0:22:40"Three big naans." They said, "Do you want three family naans?"
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I said, "Yeah, three family naans."
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I don't know if anyone has had a family naan.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48If you haven't, go to Birmingham and order one.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50They are massive.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53They come out on their own trolley.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59They're like a duvet made of flour. They come out...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02We couldn't eat two of 'em. We took 'em out to homeless people,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05and wrapped them up and said, "There you go...
0:23:13 > 0:23:18"That'll keep you warm, and in the morning, you got your breakfast."
0:23:19 > 0:23:24But as a nation, we all love eating out.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Fine food, wine and the greatest of company,
0:23:32 > 0:23:33is what makes life bearable.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Oh, I do love eating out.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40I'm a 27 year old guy who lives alone. I live in restaurants.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44It's a nightmare experience every time I eat out with Ruth.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45We go to the local Indian,
0:23:45 > 0:23:49but I can't get on with their knives and forks. They're a funny shape.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"Oh, I don't like this, this is undercooked,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53"I don't know, see how expensive that is,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56"oh goodness me, oh, the noise in this place!"
0:23:56 > 0:24:00So I always take my own knife and fork to this local Indian."
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Oh, it's terrible, we're so close together, this is..." Ah.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Dear, dear, dear.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08If she's really pretty, I don't mind paying.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10But average girls, you're paying.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I adore food. Especially gourmet.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19The restaurants that I find a bit snobby, not anything on the staff,
0:24:19 > 0:24:20erm, Harvester.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23If there is a Michelin star somewhere, I'm definitely there.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I don't like fancy restaurants, really,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29cos all the a la carte food, you don't seem to get enough.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31£60 for a tiny bit of fillet steak.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33And it just seems a bit feminine.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I'd like to say overuse of language in restaurants puts me off, but it doesn't.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40And they're talking about jus and sauces and all that.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Verdant celery grown by blind Tibetan monks.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48If it is a piece of meat soaked in something overnight,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51then say it's a piece of meat soaked in something overnight.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Oh, that sounds nice.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I'd sooner have just steak and chips.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57That's my kind of food.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02But it's true.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06There are some snobby restaurants and they've gone a little bit mad.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09They go over the top. I went down to watch Liverpool play Arsenal.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I've got some mates who live down in London,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15so afterwards we'd arranged to go to this Italian.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Some of my mates are Arsenal fans, yeah.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21That's how cosmopolitan I've become.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24So, I met them in this Italian restaurant,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28and we're there, and we did the things that you do in Italians.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31They give you these breadsticks, and we're all messing about.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35And then, we got the olive oil, the extra virgin olive oil.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39I quite like a little bit of extra virgin olive oil to dip me bread in.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I poured this on a plate, and as I was about to dip me bread,
0:25:41 > 0:25:46me mate said, "No! Not yet. Let me pour some balsamic in.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"In the middle." He said, "I like to create an island
0:25:50 > 0:25:55"of balsamic, in the middle of my extra virgin olive oil."
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I said, "I didn't know you were such a wanker."
0:26:05 > 0:26:08But the whole boom in fancy food
0:26:08 > 0:26:11has been created by this other phenomena,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14which I think has got a little bit out of hand,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16and that's celebrity chefs.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I can't stand celebrity chefs. They're really,
0:26:22 > 0:26:23they just get my goat.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I just really don't get the whole how you're a celebrity
0:26:26 > 0:26:28cos you can cook a meal. I don't get that.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- I hate Jamie Oliver, he's a dick. - He wouldn't have been our friend at school.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Jamie Oliver, he's another cheeky chappy.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I love seeing him cry on television.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40The cheeky chappy. Very quintessentially British cheeky chappy.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43"He's not coming in our kitchen and messing us about."
0:26:43 > 0:26:45And then he cries cos they're not listening to him.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47My favourite chef is Gordon Ramsey.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I thought you liked Jamie Oliver cos he's a hottie.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52He's cute, but cute don't get you nowhere.
0:26:52 > 0:26:57- I think Nigella Lawson is lovely. - I love Nigella.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00She's there, just working the bowl of cream.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03She can crunch on a chicken bone and make you go "Ooh!"
0:27:03 > 0:27:05You never see her from below the waist.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- I reckon she's probably about eight feet wide.- Yeah.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11She's got a massive arse. No, she doesn't. She doesn't.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I think she's really sexy. She's a real babe.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15My favourite chef is Ainsley Harriot.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Phil Vickery.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19He's quite fat and cuddly, isn't he?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I really can't stand people like Anthony Worral Thompson.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Worral Thompson, I can say, even if he offered a free meal,
0:27:25 > 0:27:26I wouldn't eat it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I think they're all plonkers.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31There's something about him. His presence looks grubby and vile.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Especially that Gordon Ramsey. He's not very nice bloke.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Everything he does involves shouting.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Oh, no, I do like Gordon Ramsey cos he swears like I do.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43The celebrity chefs I do like are the ones from MasterChef.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Fanny Cradock.- I can't remember their names.- I hate them.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50When she made doughnuts, and Johnnie turned to the camera and said,
0:27:50 > 0:27:54"Well, let's hope all your doughnuts look like Fanny's."
0:28:04 > 0:28:09Well, let's be honest, you wouldn't want it the other way round.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14So, ladies and gentlemen, that was food.
0:28:14 > 0:28:19Tonight, Britain has taught me that you don't need oysters if your name is Chopper...
0:28:22 > 0:28:25..if you like Chinese enough to play with yourself,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28you probably like it a little bit too much,
0:28:28 > 0:28:32and all your doughnuts should be like Fanny's. Thank you.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Good night and God bless.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:49 > 0:28:53E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk