0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Thank you. Thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Thank you. Thank you.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Good evening, and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Tonight, I'll be talking about hobbies,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46which doesn't mean a lot if you're a parent,
0:00:46 > 0:00:52cos basically, once you've got kids, you've got no time for you.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55None at all. You haven't got a hobby. I've got three kids.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58The only time I get to myself is when I'm locked in the toilet,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01and to be honest, it's very difficult to play golf in there.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05To find out what the British public really think
0:01:05 > 0:01:08about their leisure time, I've spoken to hundreds of people,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11some of them you'll recognise, and some of them you won't.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15There they all are. They look like a hobby just in themselves.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19And here's a taster of what they had to say.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Sexual intercourse. - Doesn't happen.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- Pointless. - Not my cup of tea.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- I pretend to be a wizard. - My wife loves it.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- I like the smelly ones.- Everybody wanted a bit of my shiny Charizard.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Flies, maggots, anything that's hanging there.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Is he eating a sandwich?
0:01:33 > 0:01:34- Get out the way!- Ha!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Not really sure what their hobbies are,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41but we'll be hearing more of them a little bit later,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44and there'll be a sketch or two to help us along the way.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47As far as hobbies are concerned,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49in my opinion, that changes in your life.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52There's men in this room with different hobbies now than when they were a kid.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57I don't know if anyone else did it on their estate. Lollipop sticks.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Did anyone play lollipop sticks?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Lollipop sticks was a game where you got a lollipop stick
0:02:02 > 0:02:06and you held it like that, and your mate had a lollipop stick,
0:02:06 > 0:02:10and you hit his lollipop stick and smash his lollipop stick
0:02:10 > 0:02:13and then you had a go, he had a go at your lollipop stick,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17and you carried on until one of you cheated and broke the other one's thumb.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER
0:02:19 > 0:02:22That was the joy we had when we were kids.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25We had joy created out of pure lollipop sticks.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29None of this X-Boxes or PSBs or whatever,
0:02:29 > 0:02:31we had just bleedin' lollipop sticks.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35If you were lucky, you got a lollipop stick with a joke on it.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38A posh lollipop stick.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39I took my kids for a bike ride -
0:02:39 > 0:02:42this shows you how life has changed dramatically.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I took my kids for a bike ride. This was about five years ago
0:02:45 > 0:02:48when they were still young and still spoke to me.
0:02:48 > 0:02:55And we were in the park, and I did something that I thought would really bring them into my world,
0:02:55 > 0:02:56teach them about my youth.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59We were on the bikes, and at that point, they would have been...
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Five years ago, so they would have been 12...12...12, 8 and 7.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09And we were in the park. That's odd - riding a bike in a park with kids now.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It really is odd, because, for a start,
0:03:11 > 0:03:15as soon as you're a bloke in a park and you get away from the kids,
0:03:15 > 0:03:19it means you're a bloke in a park on your own.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Riding a bike with a bag of sweets. Everyone looks...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26But I'm riding along...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29I'm riding along and I saw someone had left some lollipop sticks.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I said, "Hey, kids, stop!" You're going to love this.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And I picked the lollipop stick up
0:03:36 > 0:03:38and I put the lollipop stick in the spokes, like that.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42Remember that? I said, "Come on, lads. Let's ride!"
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Rr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Rr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr!
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I said to, "Listen to that!" Doesn't it make you feel like you're on a motorbike?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:57And they said, "Dad, I've got a PS3."
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"I can go on a motorbike if I want."
0:03:59 > 0:04:01That's what I mean, if you talk to kids now
0:04:01 > 0:04:05about what their hobbies are, they're not like we used to have.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I asked my kid when I was doing this show,
0:04:07 > 0:04:11I asked my youngest lad who's now 13, I said, "What's your hobbies?"
0:04:11 > 0:04:16He said, "I like football, tennis, and I like killing zombies."
0:04:16 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:18 > 0:04:22That's not a hobby. But that's the way the world's become. Computers have dominated everything.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25But as children, our first major hobby,
0:04:25 > 0:04:30no matter who you were, was always collecting something.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37When I was younger, I used to collect Star Trek cards.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Cards were huge when I was little.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41There was Pokemon cards, Uh-Yo cards.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43That is a waste of money. What a con.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I'm serious - I used to spend all my money on them.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Most are the same, but occasionally there was a special card.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51And I always wanted a Charizard, a shiny one.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Everybody wanted a bit of my shiny Charizard.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57You'd punch a kid for it, kick him down a slide, chuck sand in his eyes. Whatever.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Nick his card, blame someone else.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Unfortunately, I used to collect Star Wars.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I had lots of Star Wars figures.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05He-Man, Thundercats...
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Action Men. I collected Airfix planes.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10My Little Pony, Care Bears.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Jamie collected Smurfs. He had every single one.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15As a child, I loved collecting butterflies, hawk moths,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17which you had to go out at night.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I liked to collect snails.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Anything that really had lived.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Big ones, small ones, and I put them all in a shoebox.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I've got two shoe boxes full of rubbers.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I used to collect rubbers.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33I liked the smelly ones, especially. There was one like a custard cream.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38And they used to smell of ice cream and old dirty football boots.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42They banned them cos children ate them, but I've still got my custard cream rubber.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Erasers, not the condom kind of rubbers.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48One of the most random ones was soaps.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49I used to collect matchboxes.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53I'm a bit embarrassed about that. It doesn't fit with my image, collecting soaps!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I think I had about 600, 700 of them.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00This is the first time I've ever spoken about my soap addiction!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I'm glad to say that I don't collect matchboxes any more,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05and that phase of my life is closed.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07APPLAUSE
0:06:11 > 0:06:15He's now moved on from matchboxes to dressing as a big green man.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18When we were kids as well, and I don't know if this was unique
0:06:18 > 0:06:22to our school, but everyone I speak to had one kid in their school
0:06:22 > 0:06:26who always collected something odd and had an insect in a box.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Did anyone have one of those kids who'd come up and say, "Do you want to see this?"
0:06:30 > 0:06:33And as a kid you go, "Yeah, what is it?" And they go...
0:06:33 > 0:06:37"It's a spider." And you'd go, "He's got a spider in a box!"
0:06:37 > 0:06:38That was fun.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41You couldn't carry on that kind of hobby, could you?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44You couldn't be in a pub when you're 42, going...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52And for me, when I was a kid as well, there was a game
0:06:52 > 0:06:55that I didn't realise how serious it was, cos there's levels.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59There's kids' hobbies, and if you carry them on as an adult, there's something wrong.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Just give us a cheer in here if you had Subbuteo.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04SMALL CHEER
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I remember getting Subbuteo one year.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It was 1977, my dad came home, it was Christmas,
0:07:09 > 0:07:14and I got the England team with the stripes down the sleeves.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I got them, and the other team I got was Uganda.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Now you get Subbuteo championships,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24and they make it as realistic as possible.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Now if you get a Subbuteo team, after a couple of weeks,
0:07:27 > 0:07:30one of the lads will be on £30,000 a week,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32one little player will have a hair transplant,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35and another will start shagging his brother's wife.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37APPLAUSE
0:07:42 > 0:07:47But that's what I mean. There's some hobbies that when you're doing them as you get older, it's odd.
0:07:47 > 0:07:53Like if you've now...if you're now 40 and you've got a BMX, grow up!
0:07:53 > 0:07:58Another thing that's happened now that cycling's become mental for fellas in their 40s.
0:07:58 > 0:08:04You get all these fellas like MAMILs, they're called - Middle-Aged Men In Lycra.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07And I've got a couple of mates who are into it, who are...
0:08:07 > 0:08:11And they think it's going to make them be fit and look cool.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Anyone wearing a cycling helmet doesn't look cool.
0:08:15 > 0:08:21You just look like a very colourful cock with an odd bell-end on your head.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25But to be honest, hobbies aren't just something for children.
0:08:29 > 0:08:35My hobby is dancing, cooking, watching EastEnders.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Shooting, hunting and fishing are just the biggest joys one can do.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42People think I've got such a fun life, but I'm actually quite a boring person.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44When I'm at my happiest is when I've got a gun in my hand.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I'm a live role-player.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I dress like this. Occasionally, I pretend to be a wizard.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50There must be better things to do
0:08:50 > 0:08:51than dress up as something else and run round a wood
0:08:51 > 0:08:53casting spells on somebody, surely!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55I don't mind dressing like this,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57because...I've got nothing to be ashamed of.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00The later you get in life and you're still doing weird hobbies,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03collecting, train-spotting, stamp-collecting,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06anything like that, it gets a bit weirder.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Train-spotters...I mean, that's an acquired taste, isn't it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10How do you wake up one day
0:09:10 > 0:09:12and decide I'm going to be a train-spotter?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Who wants to watch a bit of metal roll around on a bit of metal?
0:09:15 > 0:09:19It's probably because you're not getting a lot of sexual intercourse.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23I get it...you know, big...you know, it's exciting.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"The train driver's got a hat on!"
0:09:25 > 0:09:28When a train thunders past, it makes your heart beat faster.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29"Is he eating a sandwich?"
0:09:29 > 0:09:31My ex-boyfriend's dad
0:09:31 > 0:09:34used to collect these records which had the sound of trains.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38They've sort of got less and less magnificent, haven't they, trains?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Dilly-da, dilly-doo, dilly-da, dilly-doo.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44They used to have, like, steam coming out of them and make, like, a huge amount of noise.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Shh-ku, shh-ku.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Now they just sort of whirr along quietly.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Very sad.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Why would one want to stand there and see an engine coming in?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Peculiar.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:05I know that everyone takes the piss out of train-spotters. I know they do.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And I don't know if there's any train-spotters in here tonight.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11And I know that people say, "Oh, look at them. They're sad and lonely.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12"And what's going on with the girlfriend?"
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Well, I can tell you now, cos we did a lot of research.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17She's at home, under the bed,
0:10:17 > 0:10:19in a box, waiting to be inflated when they get home.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Who's got an unusual hobby?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- I have.- You have?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- I skateboard. - You skateboard?- Yeah.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Now, that's not unusual... if you're 12. How old?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- 24.- 24.- Twice the age.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Twice the age. And do you skateboard with 12-year-old kids?
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- What's that thing when you jump and it flips over? What's it called? - A kick-flip.- Kick-flip.- Yeah.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- Are you good at that?- Yeah, I can do that.- 24 - I should hope so!
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- Do you compete as a skateboarder? - Yeah, I used to be a semi-pro. - How can you be a semi-pro
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- skateboarder?- It means you're not good enough to be a real pro.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- So what does that mean?- It means you teach kids how to do it instead.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10- It was my job. I got paid to do it, but I...- You know what? I mean, I'm taking the micky,
0:11:10 > 0:11:15but I think that's brilliant. Isn't that brilliant getting paid anything
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- to do something that you really want to do? So well done, well done. Good luck to you, man.- All right.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20APPLAUSE
0:11:22 > 0:11:29There's these other hobbies as well that have just come in. Zumba... Where did Zumba come from?!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33I'd never heard of Zumba until about six months ago. My missus come home.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37She was knackered, sweating, said she could hardly walk.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I said, "What have you been doing?" She said, "I've had a session of Zumba."
0:11:40 > 0:11:44I said, "Who the bleedin' hell's Zumba?"
0:11:44 > 0:11:48But these days, of course, one of the biggest hobbies is karaoke. And we've all had a go at it.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Karaoke's one of those ghastly things the Japanese do
0:11:53 > 0:11:55to embarrass each other.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I love karaoke.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Honestly, it's just a time for me to actually sing
0:12:00 > 0:12:01and let everyone listen to me!
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Karaoke's great fun. It's one of the best inventions.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08My problem is, I take it too seriously.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I've been banned from karaoke with my friends,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12cos I get too carried away.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14It's like an X-Factor moment for me.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16When I get on the microphone, it's mine for the night.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18No-one can take it off me.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23I've seen people doing all the dancing, like Michael Jackson.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26You get these appalling singers that get up and try this karaoke.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30SINGS BADLY
0:12:30 > 0:12:31They should not bother.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34A couple of karaoke songs I'm known for is
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Walking Back To A Penis, by Helen Shapiro.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41Born To Be Wild, cos you don't sing that song, you just shout it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Chocolate Salty Balls, by Chef from South Park.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45I give it a full performance.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48# Funny, but it's true... #
0:12:48 > 0:12:52I think if you're going to go for it, you've got to REALLY go for it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53# Say, everybody Have you seen my balls?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55# They're big and salty and brown
0:12:55 > 0:12:59# If you ever need a quick pick-me-up just stick my balls in your mouth. #
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Dance moves...
0:13:00 > 0:13:03# It only takes a minute, girl
0:13:04 > 0:13:06# To fall in love To fall in love... #
0:13:06 > 0:13:08# Give me the hook... #
0:13:08 > 0:13:11# Suck on my chocolate salty balls. #
0:13:11 > 0:13:14# All the ovation... #
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I wish some bugger would give me an ovation. I'd cop off.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18APPLAUSE
0:13:24 > 0:13:27She's lovely, her, isn't she? I'm so glad she could do it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31It's not often you get Lady Gaga without her make-up.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34And the thing is, we've all tried Karaoke,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37and the reality is I've tried it, but I know I'm rubbish.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I am the worst singer in the world.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I got put in this horrible situation a couple of years ago
0:13:42 > 0:13:47when I went to Liverpool to watch them play Arsenal with my mates.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52It was like our Christmas do, so we'd watched the game, we'd gone for a few drinks after.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56There's a pub in Liverpool called the Big House. It's right by the Adelphi Hotel.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59In Liverpool, on a Sunday, it's Karaoke City.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I'm talking proper karaoke, people plan this all week,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05they practise. They come out in a suit.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08They don't just turn up and say, "I'll have a go."
0:14:08 > 0:14:11No, No. They phone ahead.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I walked in, we've had a few drinks.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I got to the bar, and somebody obviously thought,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"There's that John Bishop, that comedian."
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Somewhere between, "There's John Bishop, that comedian,"
0:14:22 > 0:14:25that got changed to the man running the karaoke
0:14:25 > 0:14:28to, "There's John Bishop, that all-round entertainer."
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Cos he just said, "Do you want to get on stage?" I said, "It's not really for me."
0:14:35 > 0:14:37He said, "Come on, come on, can you sing?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I said, "Yeah, course I can sing." He said, "Right, you're on."
0:14:40 > 0:14:43He called my name out, there was a bit of a cheer,
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I walked onto the stage, it was full of anticipation,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47all these people looking at me.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48I thought, Jesus.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52They have no idea what's coming next.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I thought, "I'm going to play my ace card."
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Because I've seen X Factor, I've seen Britain's Got Talent,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I know how to play this card.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04I said, "Look, I wasn't really expecting to be here tonight.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"I normally come with my nan."
0:15:12 > 0:15:16"We like to sit over there, me and me nan, and watch the karaoke.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20"She loves the karaoke, me nan, she's always loved it."
0:15:20 > 0:15:24I said, "Tonight was going to be the night I was going to do it, but...
0:15:25 > 0:15:26"..she hasn't made it.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"I mean, I know she's here, I can feel she's here,
0:15:29 > 0:15:33"and tonight's just part of my journey, because...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36"..I want to sing for my nan."
0:15:37 > 0:15:40You could see everyone go, "Oh, God, that's lovely."
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I just give him the nod, he pressed the button, I went...
0:15:45 > 0:15:49# And now, the end is near... #
0:15:49 > 0:15:52And for about a minute and a half, people were going...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And then it sunk in that I was actually shit.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Honest to God, I've never seen a crowd turn.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02They all went, "You're shit.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"Get off, you're shit."
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Suddenly, I forgot I was an all-round entertainer,
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I was back to being a comedian.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I said, "I'm shit? Look at your hair, knobhead.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18"You can all piss off. And me nan says you can piss off, as well!"
0:16:19 > 0:16:22When I got off the stage, the fellow who ran the karaoke said,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25"What are you doing?" He said, "I thought you said you could sing."
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I said, "I can run - it doesn't mean I'm fast."
0:16:30 > 0:16:33But another hobby popular with the Brits is sport.
0:16:37 > 0:16:43I would never go near a riverbank with a rod - no, no, no, no, no!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45They set their tent up, they've got their cooker.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49And you've got this big pole tried to catch a fish that big. In a canal.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Sat in an idyllic spot, glass of wine.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57And they just sit there all weekend, waiting for this buzzer to go.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58It's boring, it's boring as hell.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I figure something very fishy about fishing.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I'm surrounded by people who are passionate about football.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09I don't get the point of football.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12And I have to restrict their conversations
0:17:12 > 0:17:14to more than a half hour during any meal.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16What is the point of watching people watching people chase a ball
0:17:16 > 0:17:18around a pitch and yell at them and talk about it afterwards?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20If you don't curtail it to no more than half an hour,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23the entire meal will be ruined.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24It is just pointless.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Darts is just brilliant.
0:17:26 > 0:17:27I think it's really exciting, darts.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29No, is not interesting.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32You're throwing pins at the wall!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Darts is a sport. Brilliant sport.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Unless you sweat, it's not a sport.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Anybody who doesn't think it's a sport wants to have a go.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43You got that little thing, and your hand's going - you should have a go.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45It's like archery, but with one hand.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48That is not a sport.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49It's a sport - course it is.
0:17:49 > 0:17:54Golf may be one of the most pointless games in the world.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Not a lot happens, does it, really?
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Hitting that ball from one end of the pitch or the court to the other,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02it just spoils a good walk, really.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05The put it on the television. People watch this on the television.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I'd rather just go to a pitch and putt in Bognor, let's be fair.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10How boring can that be?!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I've got to be honest,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I fell into the same trap as every man falls into -
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I reached the age of 38, I woke up one morning
0:18:25 > 0:18:27and thought, "I fancy a game of golf."
0:18:27 > 0:18:30It's just one of those things you do at certain age.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34And as a game, I've got to be honest with you, it's a brilliant game. It's great fun.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39It's also the only sport where people do it for business.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43It's the only game where you say, "Great, we got a good deal, let's go and play golf."
0:18:43 > 0:18:47You never in a business meeting say, "This is good - has anyone got their trunks?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"Let's go for a dip.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53"Come on, let's nail this in the pool. Come on, on the waterslide, we can finish this."
0:18:53 > 0:18:57It doesn't happen, but golf's one of those sports as well
0:18:57 > 0:18:59that is the most frustrating thing in the world,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and anyone who plays it will know.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06And I don't understand why you should invest that much money, that much time, just to be frustrated.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10If that's what you want to be, you want to be frustrated and a little bit skint,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12buy a season ticket for Everton.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I shouldn't have said that, really,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24cos we've just lost 250 viewers.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35It's ridiculous, but sport, when you reach a certain age, is just like sex.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39It's something you look at, you think you're good at, but, in all honesty,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41your best days are behind you.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45And that's where football comes into it.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Cos men go to watch football more and more in the middle age,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50and it's just a ridiculous thing, cos you sit there,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52fat men in replica football kits,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55shouting at people a lot better than them going,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57"You're shit!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"You're shit! I've just had four pies and a couple of pints,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"and I'm still better than you. You're shit!"
0:20:05 > 0:20:10And it's ridiculous, and the thing is, football is the only form
0:20:10 > 0:20:13of entertainment where you go to complain.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19You will go, spend 35, 40 quid to watch a football match,
0:20:19 > 0:20:23sit there, go, "You're shit! You're shit! You're shit!
0:20:23 > 0:20:27"This is shit! It's shit! You're all shit!
0:20:27 > 0:20:30"You're shit! And you're shit! And you're shit!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"It's shit, I'm cold, and we got beat, and it's shit!"
0:20:32 > 0:20:38And they go, "Are you going on Saturday?" "Of course I'm going on Saturday."
0:20:45 > 0:20:50I went with my missus to see Take That at Man City's ground.
0:20:50 > 0:20:5460,000 women. There wasn't one person in that ground at that time
0:20:54 > 0:20:58stood up off their seat went, "You know what? You're shit! Get off!"
0:20:58 > 0:21:01It doesn't happen in any form of entertainment -
0:21:01 > 0:21:06you wouldn't go back - but in football, you would, cos you invest your heart and soul in football.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Just like our mate there from Yeovil, if you realise you're not good enough,
0:21:09 > 0:21:14you want to be involved at some level, which is why you end up as those football mascots.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Which is the maddest thing in the world.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21I don't know you come to the conclusion of being a football mascot.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23But they bring a little bit of joy.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25However, I got invited to watch Arsenal play.
0:21:25 > 0:21:30I've got a mate who's an Arsenal fan. This was last year. They were playing Bolton.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34When Arsenal played Bolton, they had a minute's silence before the game.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38And I don't know if anyone's familiar with the Arsenal mascot.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40It's a thing called Gunnersaurus.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43It's a man wearing a dinosaur suit.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45A big, green dinosaur suit.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49They had the minute's silence, and Gunnersaurus joined in.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54If you've ever seen... They had the circle of all the players with their arms around him,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58and Gunnersaurus is like that.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59It was so funny.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Cesc Fabregas is doing his best not to piss himself.
0:22:04 > 0:22:10A man in a big green suit, going, "Honestly, no-one can see, but I'm crying underneath here."
0:22:10 > 0:22:13And the other thing is that we've developed as a nation,
0:22:13 > 0:22:15is gyms have expanded.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18They've become a massive hobby - everyone's trying to keep fit.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19And I used to be into the gym.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I used to like going to the gym.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I don't go to the gym any more. I've bought a running machine.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28And that's not because I've become lazy, it's because things change.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31It does happen. You get a little bit on telly, and it's odd.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36Because I was going to the gym... I'd done my session, I walked into the shower,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38and this is actually what happened.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I walked into the shower, I did the stuff you do in the shower...
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Not the other stuff you do in your own shower...
0:22:43 > 0:22:47the stuff you do in a public shower. I've come out, I've showered,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50I was walking back into the changing room,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53and a lad walked up to me while I'm bollock naked,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56and said, " John, John, can I have a picture?"
0:23:07 > 0:23:11As if I was going to say, "Yeah, come on, let's have it!
0:23:11 > 0:23:12"Stick that on Facebook!"
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Let's be honest, what's taking over the nation...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20what's taking over the nation as the number-one listed hobby...
0:23:20 > 0:23:23is shopping.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I'm a shopaholic. I just shop, shop, shop, shop.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I LOVE shopping. I think I'm a shopaholic.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35The sensation of purchase.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I hate shopping. I hate it.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38I cannot stand it.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I try not to go shopping unless I've really got to.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42It makes my piss fizz.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I don't understand how people don't enjoy it.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48There's women with their prams, crashing into you,
0:23:48 > 0:23:49"Get out the way."
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Chavvy kids with fake Uggs walking on the side of their foot.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55What's that about? Learn to walk properly.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I think I'd sooner stay home and pull teeth than go shopping.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Shopping defines men and women.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03One has to do it, just to score points.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Men go out and they know what they want to buy.
0:24:06 > 0:24:07That's what I want - boom - out.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10But for women, the shopping IS the experience.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14It's hell, shopping with my husband. He has no patience.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15"Are you done yet?"
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I'm like, "We've just walked in, I've picked one top up."
0:24:18 > 0:24:21You've got to sit outside, you're sat there with a group of blokes,
0:24:21 > 0:24:23they're all the same.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"Give me your card, go home, I'll be done before you know."
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Oh, not my cup of tea at all.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Shopping with a girl is hell.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31It's not sufficient to be there -
0:24:31 > 0:24:33one has to look as if one's enjoying it.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36You spend bloody hours traipsing around after them.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Even if I'm not buying anything, I just like to look.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Like a cow, I like to ruminate.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42They can't decide.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Chew the cud and browse.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46If you want it, just get it and let's go home.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49An hour later they go, "I didn't buy anything, let's go somewhere else."
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I'd rather punch myself in the face...
0:24:52 > 0:24:53twice.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00That fella saying he wants to punch himself twice in the face,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04you can understand that, because anyone who's ever been shopping
0:25:04 > 0:25:06with their partners knows what I mean.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08That's actually not fair.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Shopping with the partners assumes it's an equal thing. It's not.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15When women go shopping with men, it must be brilliant for you,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17because we just go in and come out.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22But when we go shopping with you, it's an absolute pain in the arse.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26If she puts something on and says, "What do you think?", you go,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29"Oh, to be honest, I don't really think it suits you."
0:25:29 > 0:25:31"Oh, it doesn't suit me? Who WOULD it suit?"
0:25:35 > 0:25:38"Would it suit Sally from work, would it?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"I bet Sally from work would look fabulous in this, wouldn't she?"
0:25:41 > 0:25:44The best thing that you can do as a bloke is nod at everything,
0:25:44 > 0:25:48and when she says, "Which one?", just say, "I thought the first one."
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Don't say which colour, just say the first one.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52It's always the first one.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54The rest of them are just a trap.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59That's why you have these countries where the men rule the roost,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02rather than this country, where women rule the roost.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05In countries where men rule the roost,
0:26:05 > 0:26:06women are made to wear burkas.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13Eh, no - this has got absolutely nothing to do with religion.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15This is just, those men are in control
0:26:15 > 0:26:18and they've worked out that the easiest thing to do
0:26:18 > 0:26:20to have an easy life is make your wife wear a burka,
0:26:20 > 0:26:24cos when you go shopping, you go, "That looks fabulous, come on."
0:26:33 > 0:26:37But the hardest thing to do, and every man has done this
0:26:37 > 0:26:39at some stage in a relationship, is buy underwear.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42It's horrendous, because most of the time -
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I think all the girls will agree - we get it completely wrong.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47We get it wrong until you're married
0:26:47 > 0:26:51and you're that used to the bleeding shape of it, it doesn't matter.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Most of the time, we get it wrong. I remember a first...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58The first piece of underwear I bought for my wife, she was
0:26:58 > 0:27:02my girlfriend at the time, and it was when camisole things were in.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06You remember them? What a ridiculous thing they were.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09For those people under 25 who don't know what camisoles were,
0:27:09 > 0:27:15just imagine a silky vest that had buttons underneath.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18How ridiculous was that? It was like a parachute of love. There you go.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Just ridiculous!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I thought, "It's Valentine's Day," I'd been going out with her
0:27:26 > 0:27:29for about six months, I must have been about 19,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32I'd never bought underwear before.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Now, it's different. I get used to it.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Last time I was buying a bra, it was very awkward.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I walked into the shop and I said,
0:27:38 > 0:27:42"I'm buying my wife a bra," and she said, "What size is she?"
0:27:42 > 0:27:44I said, "To be honest, I don't know."
0:27:44 > 0:27:47She said, "Is she about my size?" I just said, "If only, love."
0:27:51 > 0:27:55But then, I didn't know, so I walked into the shop and thought,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58"I'm going to get a camisole thing, they look lovely."
0:27:58 > 0:27:59It was a lovely, silky thing...
0:28:01 > 0:28:03It was, it was all pink and flowery.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07I thought, "I'm going to get that." I didn't know what size to get.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10You're 19, you're awkward anyway.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Also, I was still a teenager, so just being in the underwear section
0:28:14 > 0:28:16meant I had a massive hard-on.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Knickers!
0:28:25 > 0:28:29So I just saw this thing, I thought, "That looks about right."
0:28:29 > 0:28:32I got it, I took it over, it was either small, medium or large.
0:28:32 > 0:28:37I thought, "I'd better not get small, it'll make her feel fat.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40"I better not get small. The best thing I could do is get large."
0:28:45 > 0:28:48I remember giving it to her on Valentine's Day, she said,
0:28:48 > 0:28:49"Oh, that's..."
0:28:49 > 0:28:52She obviously could tell immediately,
0:28:52 > 0:28:55by the time it took her to unroll it about eight times...
0:28:57 > 0:28:58She said, "That's...
0:28:58 > 0:29:01"Yeah, that's lovely, that." I said, "Go on, put it on."
0:29:01 > 0:29:04She said, "No." I said, "Go on, put it on."
0:29:04 > 0:29:08She went into the bathroom, she came out, it was swinging like that.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13It was like a hammock underneath!
0:29:17 > 0:29:20I've never told anyone that story before!
0:29:24 > 0:29:27The other thing that's changed as far as shopping goes
0:29:27 > 0:29:29is online shopping.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- Give me a cheer if you've done online shopping. - CHEER
0:29:32 > 0:29:36Everyone does online shopping now. It's a normal way of doing things.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39I was getting something for the kids the other day,
0:29:39 > 0:29:40a box-set of Harry Potter.
0:29:40 > 0:29:44It was at that point that I noticed, when you buy something on Amazon,
0:29:44 > 0:29:46as soon as you click it, it says,
0:29:46 > 0:29:48"People who bought this also bought this."
0:29:49 > 0:29:52You think, "Oh, that's interesting."
0:29:52 > 0:29:54So I was buying this box-set of Harry Potter and I thought,
0:29:54 > 0:29:56"Oh, right, that's interesting."
0:29:56 > 0:29:59So I bought Slutty Grandmas 3 as well.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03So the next kid who goes on goes,
0:30:03 > 0:30:06"Oh, that might be about witches, I'll have a look at that."
0:30:08 > 0:30:13But most of the time, shopping really just means a trip to the supermarket.
0:30:17 > 0:30:22I would say my favourite kick out of shopping is just getting out there
0:30:22 > 0:30:23and meeting people.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25It's hilarious, it's true what they say -
0:30:25 > 0:30:27you do meet people in supermarkets.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29And I met a current girlfriend shopping.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31It was just after Valentine's Day,
0:30:31 > 0:30:34they were selling boxer shorts cheap in one of the shops,
0:30:34 > 0:30:36and I had two cheeky pairs of boxer shorts.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39There was a girl by me, I said, "Would I look good in these?"
0:30:39 > 0:30:41She said, "I might have to see you wearing them."
0:30:41 > 0:30:45And do you know what? Phone number about five minutes later.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48I'm sure she was impressed by my debonair charm, cheek,
0:30:48 > 0:30:52repartee, charming charisma...
0:30:52 > 0:30:53oh, and modesty, too.
0:30:59 > 0:31:03The reality is he's talking there about buying underwear in a supermarket.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07Don't ever do that. Every man who falls into that trap, that's a nightmare.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Never buy your underwear in a supermarket,
0:31:09 > 0:31:12because the worst thing that most men do is give up
0:31:12 > 0:31:15on their own fashion and allow their wife to buy their clothes.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Which means she'll never spend time on it,
0:31:17 > 0:31:20she'll do it when it's convenient. She'll do it when it's easy.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23She's going to do it when she's in Asda.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26And that's lovely when you're in a loving relationship
0:31:26 > 0:31:29to share the same brand, but if you ever split up and find yourself
0:31:29 > 0:31:31with a new girlfriend, I can't tell you what it's like,
0:31:31 > 0:31:34that look of disappointment when you take your kecks off,
0:31:34 > 0:31:38and all of a sudden she can see "George" written on your underwear.
0:31:38 > 0:31:43Even if your name is George, it's hard to impress her.
0:31:43 > 0:31:46He was talking about underpants there, but I've got this story
0:31:46 > 0:31:51which is a true story and it's also something that I need
0:31:51 > 0:31:55to say for the women in this room who are about to go on holiday soon.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57I was in Barcelona.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00In another life, I used to have a job that, every now and again, I went away.
0:32:00 > 0:32:05I turned up at a conference in Barcelona. This would have been five years ago.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08I was going to be in Barcelona for four days.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12I opened me suitcase - I hadn't packed any undies.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Like every man in this room, I thought,
0:32:16 > 0:32:20"It's 100 degrees in the shade outside, it's four days...
0:32:20 > 0:32:22"shall I give it a chance?"
0:32:23 > 0:32:26Then I thought, "No, I'm going to treat meself,
0:32:26 > 0:32:28"I'm going to get some undies."
0:32:28 > 0:32:32So I went into this supermarket, this, like, posh shop.
0:32:32 > 0:32:36It was like Corte Ingles - I don't know if anyone knows it.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38It's like a Selfridges, or whatever, in Spain.
0:32:38 > 0:32:42I walked in and I was, at that point in my life, a boxer shorts man.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45Like a lot of lads, boxer shorts are good.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48If you want undies, boxer shorts are good, you put them on.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51They're shorts. There's no boxing going on, but you put them on, they're shorts.
0:32:51 > 0:32:55There's a little peephole. It's all you actually require. It's wonderful.
0:32:55 > 0:33:00I went in to buy some boxer shorts. Spanish men don't wear boxer shorts.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I was saying, "Have you got boxer shorts?"
0:33:03 > 0:33:07This little fella was going, "Que?" I said, "Boxer shorts." "Que, que?"
0:33:07 > 0:33:12I said, "Shorts, put 'em on, a little bit..."
0:33:12 > 0:33:15He took me round the underwear section and he got me
0:33:15 > 0:33:19these various thong things, and I was saying, "You can (MOUTHS) off."
0:33:21 > 0:33:24Then he got me these pair of underpants, right.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26He said, "This is for you."
0:33:26 > 0:33:30I got these underpants and I looked at them.
0:33:30 > 0:33:32They were padded.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Not the front.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42The arse! They had arse pads in! They had arse pads in!
0:33:42 > 0:33:46You put them on, and it lifts your arse up to give you a pert arse.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49So all those girls on holiday who're looking at a Spanish waiter
0:33:49 > 0:33:52thinking, "Hasn't he got a pert arse!"
0:33:52 > 0:33:54No! He's got frigging pads in 'em!
0:33:55 > 0:33:56I'll tell you what.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00I felt like getting a pair as revenge for every man in this room
0:34:00 > 0:34:03who's had that disappointment of the Wonderbra.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07You've been winding us up for years.
0:34:07 > 0:34:08We know what it's like when you think
0:34:08 > 0:34:11"There's something there, there's something there,"
0:34:11 > 0:34:15and you take it off and think, "Oh, there's nothing there."
0:34:15 > 0:34:16That's disappointment.
0:34:16 > 0:34:20Imagine how disappointing it would be if you're there...
0:34:20 > 0:34:23"He's got a pert arse, he's got a pert arse, he's got a pert arse.
0:34:23 > 0:34:24"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"
0:34:34 > 0:34:37But shopping's changed in this country as well
0:34:37 > 0:34:40and it's changed dramatically, because everyone now can get new clothes,
0:34:40 > 0:34:44cos clothes are cheap, cos we've got TK Maxx and Primani...
0:34:44 > 0:34:47and everyone can go in and get stuff,
0:34:47 > 0:34:53provided that you want to look. Cos let's be honest, they're just jumble sales with a roof on.
0:34:53 > 0:34:58You go... Everyone goes in, you go into TK Maxx, you go, "Look at them! A pair of Prada.
0:34:58 > 0:35:03"Look at them. Should be 400 quid. They're only 25.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05"Size 23."
0:35:06 > 0:35:10And for a minute or two, you think, "No, I'll just put a couple of pairs of socks on. I'll have them."
0:35:10 > 0:35:15Cos we get obsessed with it. And that's changed the way things work,
0:35:15 > 0:35:20cos when we were kids, we had proper jumble sales, not like them. We didn't have these discount shops.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23We had proper, proper jumble sales.
0:35:23 > 0:35:30The kind of jumble sales that were filled with the clothes that Mozambique sent back.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34I was a kid in the '80s. I was a teenager in the '80s, when labels were just coming in.
0:35:34 > 0:35:40It was fashionable to wear something with a label. Lacoste...all the lads in here will remember Lacoste.
0:35:40 > 0:35:46Lacoste was the thing that came in. In Liverpool, we had another label called Sergio Tacchini.
0:35:46 > 0:35:50I don't know if anyone remembers Sergio Tacchini.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53If there was ever a label that should never have been sold in Liverpool...
0:35:53 > 0:35:56It was full of lads going, "Going to get any Sergio Tacchini?"
0:35:59 > 0:36:04But Lacoste came in, and what made something ordinary,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07which was like a polo shirt, become special
0:36:07 > 0:36:11was a little crocodile, a little label, a little crocodile.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14My mum thought, all you've got to do now is sew crocodiles onto anything.
0:36:14 > 0:36:19She used to put crocodiles on everything. "That'll do. Crocodile on your undies. Look at that."
0:36:19 > 0:36:24On your sock... I remember me mum just getting obsessed with sewing badges on things,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27putting labels on something. She got a T-shirt, she put a label on it.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30She said, "There you are, go out in that."
0:36:30 > 0:36:31It was a dinosaur!
0:36:31 > 0:36:35Said, "Mum, it's a dinosaur! I can't go out in a dinosaur..."
0:36:35 > 0:36:38She said, "It's all right, it's all right." I said, "It's meant to be a crocodile!"
0:36:38 > 0:36:41She said, "Well, it's a crocodile that's evolved. Get out!"
0:36:42 > 0:36:44But apart from shopping,
0:36:44 > 0:36:48the other hobby that taking over everyone's lives is DIY.
0:36:53 > 0:36:58DIY is for men. Men are programmed to do DIY.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Do these hands look like they do DIY?
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Men should be like, "I'm going to fix it."
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Do not ask me to actually put the paint on the wall.
0:37:06 > 0:37:07It doesn't happen.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09He should just have it in his blood.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12I can change a lightbulb. At a push.
0:37:12 > 0:37:16A woman should be, "I'll do it." And he should be like, "No, darling, I'll do it for you!"
0:37:16 > 0:37:20Let's just say, these hammers and all that don't go with my soft body.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23I feel quite manly when I'm carrying my toolbox around,
0:37:23 > 0:37:26but I don't actually know what I'm meant to do with them.
0:37:26 > 0:37:29Do-it-yourself is not for me, but my wife loves it.
0:37:29 > 0:37:33Women and DIY, I think things like tiling, wallpapering,
0:37:33 > 0:37:35painting, yes, no problem at all.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38I consider myself very good at DIY.
0:37:38 > 0:37:39I think I'm rather good.
0:37:39 > 0:37:4619...would be 65, I went on a car maintenance course at college.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49My mother's hopeless at DIY.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52You come back from a day out, and she's painted the entire hall pink.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54At most I'll get a nail and a hairbrush
0:37:54 > 0:37:56and bang it in the wall and hope for the best.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59She managed to paint over things that were on the wall like flies,
0:37:59 > 0:38:02maggots, anything that was hanging there.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05I am thick when it comes to things like that
0:38:05 > 0:38:08and then I do the whole, "Can you do it for me, please? Can't do it."
0:38:08 > 0:38:11I think women expect men to be good at DIY generally.
0:38:11 > 0:38:15I'm very masculine, I've done high- adrenaline sports, parachuting,
0:38:15 > 0:38:19rock-climbing, ex-rugby player till I broke my arm, so I've been very...
0:38:19 > 0:38:23There's scars on my body, but me and DIY do not mix.
0:38:28 > 0:38:32Hey, we all know he's probably now just doing DIY to himself.
0:38:34 > 0:38:39The thing with men and DIY is... we become too proud about it,
0:38:39 > 0:38:45and most of us have no skills in it. I've got a mate who had this...wardrobe that he built.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49Flat-pack. Never built it. He basically put it together.
0:38:49 > 0:38:53He had this flat-pack thing and he put it together. He was proud of it. We all had to go round and see it.
0:38:53 > 0:38:59It was wobbly, like that. He'd put it up. And he had a Polish builder come round to his house.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02This Polish builder had come round to look at something else.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06And I was in his house at the time. And he said, "I'm going to show him me wardrobe." I said, "Why?"
0:39:06 > 0:39:10He said, "Cos I just want to see how much money I've saved by doing it myself."
0:39:10 > 0:39:15He brought him in. It was... like that.
0:39:15 > 0:39:20He said to this Polish builder, "So what would you have charged me for that?" He went...
0:39:20 > 0:39:23"Nothing. It is shit."
0:39:28 > 0:39:31I started a big tour recently. I started it in September.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35It was one of those moments where I was going to be away for a while.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39I was starting it on a Sunday night, so my wife said, "Look, look,
0:39:39 > 0:39:42"you're away now for months on end.
0:39:42 > 0:39:47"You've got Saturday free. Why don't we spend the day together?"
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Which, to be fair, before I go any further,
0:39:49 > 0:39:54any woman in this room who says spend the day together, you're lying.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56You don't mean spend the day together.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58What you mean is do what YOU want.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02Spending the day together never involves going
0:40:02 > 0:40:05to the pub for a few hours, going to the betting shop,
0:40:05 > 0:40:07having a game of darts and a few drinks with the lads.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10No, apparently doing that is "being selfish".
0:40:12 > 0:40:16But walking round the shops going, "Yeah, it's lovely that, love, yeah, yeah, yeah."
0:40:16 > 0:40:18That's spending the day together.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21What happens by us is we live not too far away from here,
0:40:21 > 0:40:24and some people will know the one that I'm on about,
0:40:24 > 0:40:29somebody has opened a new Ikea.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32That was her idea of spending the day together.
0:40:32 > 0:40:37I want to let every woman in this room know and everyone at home know,
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Ikea is NOT a day out!
0:40:41 > 0:40:47Even if you give us a hot dog at the end, it is not a day out.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50Cos if you're a couple and you go shopping at Ikea,
0:40:50 > 0:40:51you're not going to enjoy it,
0:40:51 > 0:40:54cos all you're doing is buying an argument in a box.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57- That's it! I'm sick of you! - Nag, nag!
0:40:57 > 0:41:00That's all you do, cos women walk in and say, "See that?
0:41:00 > 0:41:05"I like that. I want one of them in our house.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07"So what I want you to do is go over there,
0:41:07 > 0:41:11"get that box with all those bits in and make all those bits
0:41:11 > 0:41:16"look like that with just the aid of an Allen key."
0:41:16 > 0:41:17And it's never going to happen!
0:41:17 > 0:41:19It's never going to happen, cos for a start,
0:41:19 > 0:41:22we're never going to read the instructions.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26The last day before I went on tour,
0:41:26 > 0:41:29we got this bookcase that I had to build.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33A bookcase called Billy. I don't know why it's called Billy.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35They call it Billy to make it friendly -
0:41:35 > 0:41:38you still feel like killing somebody at the end of it.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41I spent all afternoon trying to put this bookcase together
0:41:41 > 0:41:44and I'd put it all together and I'd done all the bits that you do,
0:41:44 > 0:41:48and at the end, you have to put this wafer-thin
0:41:48 > 0:41:50piece of wood on the back of it.
0:41:50 > 0:41:53Wafer-thin! It's barely paper.
0:41:53 > 0:41:58So I'm up there and I'm nailing this thing in, and she comes in watching.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Oh, it's a nightmare, isn't it? They stand there and say nothing.
0:42:04 > 0:42:09It's like that Nick and Karren Brady off The Apprentice. They just go...
0:42:11 > 0:42:13And I'm there and I'm fighting with this thing,
0:42:13 > 0:42:17and she just says those words that every husband hates to hear.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19I'd spent three bleeding hours putting this together,
0:42:19 > 0:42:21and she just went,
0:42:21 > 0:42:22"Why is it taking so long?"
0:42:25 > 0:42:26Because I'm pissed off!
0:42:28 > 0:42:30And then she said the killer blow, she said,
0:42:30 > 0:42:32"Shall I get me dad round?"
0:42:32 > 0:42:35LAUGHTER
0:42:35 > 0:42:37I said, "Piss off, you!
0:42:37 > 0:42:38"If you give me a bad blowjob,
0:42:38 > 0:42:40"I don't say, get your mum round, do I?!"
0:42:51 > 0:42:54So that was hobbies and tonight, Britain has taught me
0:42:54 > 0:42:56that Ikea is not a day out,
0:42:56 > 0:42:58shopping makes your piss fizz,
0:42:58 > 0:43:00and if you give me an ovation, I'll cop off.
0:43:00 > 0:43:04Goodbye, good night and God bless. Thank you.
0:43:04 > 0:43:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:18 > 0:43:20Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd