0:00:05 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17HORN BEEPS
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Thank you! Thank you, thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:41Thank you. And welcome to John Bishop's Britain. Tonight I'm going to be talking about animals.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Now, as we know, Britain, we are a nation of animal lovers.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47We are the only country in the world where every year
0:00:47 > 0:00:51a dog show is filmed and put on national television.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53The things is, Crufts is a national institution.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56It's also the only television programme
0:00:56 > 0:00:58where you know when you're watching it
0:00:58 > 0:01:00people on the television have got fleas.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Apart from, obviously, The Jeremy Kyle Show.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07There's also that crazy incident recently where that man from Wales
0:01:07 > 0:01:10tried to take a horse onto the train.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13That just shows you how crazy we are.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17He wanted to give the horse a lift. It's a horse!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19If you want to go somewhere, get on the back,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21ride the bleeding thing!
0:01:21 > 0:01:29I've gone round the country asking hundreds of people their views on animals. These are they.
0:01:29 > 0:01:34- Lovely looking, aren't they? They all need to be in a cage. - LAUGHTER
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Here's a taster of what's coming up.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38I'm scared of most animals.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Cats are the devil.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Gypsies rolled him in mud and roasted him.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- Pissed on her wedding dress.- Rubbed his penis on her bed.- Crap on it.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53- All over it.- Horrible, scaly tail. - It was probably that big!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57- LAUGHTER - Who knows what he was talking about?
0:01:57 > 0:02:04They'll be chipping in and there will be the odd sketch to let you know what goes on in my head.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08I think we're a very lucky country.
0:02:08 > 0:02:14We've got nice animals. Australia is the place where God looked and thought, "You know what?
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"It's a bit of a dump. I'll pick up all the dangerous animals
0:02:18 > 0:02:22"and just drop them in Australia cos it's a shithole."
0:02:22 > 0:02:28Then a couple of hundred years ago we got all our dangerous people and we sent THEM to Australia.
0:02:30 > 0:02:36In reality, in Britain, the most dangerous animal we've got is swans.
0:02:36 > 0:02:44When I was a kid, people used to always say, "You can't go near swans. They'll break your arm."
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Has anyone here heard that phrase? "Swans will break your arm."
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Has anyone ever met anyone who's got a broken arm... - LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:57and he said, "Oh, the swans mugged me, it was a nightmare"?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00"Out of nowhere, pecking at me."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03The thing is, we love our pets.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07We love our pets to a level that no other country does.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10And I know many people manipulate that situation.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12If you ever want to split up with someone,
0:03:12 > 0:03:16the best time to do it is when their pet has just died.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It really is. It's true!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Because you can get away with it.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24You can walk in and say, "Listen, love, I've got to tell you.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26"Things obviously haven't been right between me and you.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30"I know the dog's just died, but it's about time I told you.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"I've been shagging your brother."
0:03:34 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Yeah. I was doing it over there on that couch.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43And he'd go, "You mean the couch where Rover used to lie?"
0:03:43 > 0:03:44LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Yeah, yeah, and when he was banging me, he used to tie me up.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49You mean like I used to do with Rover at the shops?
0:03:49 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Didn't really work, that joke, did it?
0:03:56 > 0:04:00I'm in a room full of people who don't tie anyone up, so...
0:04:00 > 0:04:03So there's a point in comedy where you think,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"I've got a really witty observation,"
0:04:05 > 0:04:08and then you realise it's not so much of an observation,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11but more of a confession.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16I can't tell you how awkward it is to be in a room with 500 people
0:04:16 > 0:04:18when you've just mentioned tying up your partner
0:04:18 > 0:04:20for sexual gratification.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And they're all looking at you going, "What's he on about?"
0:04:24 > 0:04:26But the other reason that we have pets,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29and one of the reasons we're supposed to use pets,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31is to teach our kids responsibility.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I did exactly the same as many people. I got my kids a pet.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36And it did teach them a lot.
0:04:36 > 0:04:43It teaches them that if you don't feed it, if you don't walk it, your dickhead dad will do.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:47APPLAUSE
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Cos the reality is we're British.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57And British people all love animals.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I think the British people, as a rule,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07are very good with animals. Wild ones or pets.
0:05:07 > 0:05:13- Brits are animal lovers.- On the continent, they shoot everything.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18However, we do have a fine tradition of blood sports which belies that to an extent.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Britain has a good attitude to wildlife.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26I was driving on the motorway and I saw, on the nearside lane,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29a duck and a herd of ducklings.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32They'll swerve to avoid running over a hedgehog.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37I thought, "That's very sweet!" And I gave them a wide berth.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41In my mirror, I saw a 4x4 plough straight through the middle.
0:05:41 > 0:05:47- To rescue animals, I've done all sorts.- Brits can be pretty daft. They risk their own safety.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50People jump into seas to save dogs at the risk of their life.
0:05:50 > 0:05:56I once swam the River Swale in the winter over here to rescue a falcon on the other side.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59They take down buildings to rescue cats.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Deep down, the British are just lonely people, aren't they?
0:06:03 > 0:06:10- We all need more love.- If people have a puppy or kitten, I've got to kiss it, cuddle it, hold it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15I guess animals just help us with our insecurities in a way.
0:06:15 > 0:06:21If someone has a baby, I back off, put my hands behind my back and there's horror on my face.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24But I haven't seen that.
0:06:29 > 0:06:36No matter what anyone says about this show, when did you last see a woman tickling her ferret on TV?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:42What about that man who dived into the lake
0:06:42 > 0:06:48to go save a falcon on the other side? Imagine the bird just watching him swimming over,
0:06:48 > 0:06:56taking his clothes off, swimming over that freezing cold lake, and the bird goes, "Bye-bye!"
0:06:56 > 0:07:00We do have a mad love for animals. We'll risk our life to save one.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04But other animals we'll just get rid of.
0:07:04 > 0:07:11Goldfish. I warn every kid at home, if you've got a goldfish that's more than three weeks old,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- it's not original. - LAUGHTER
0:07:14 > 0:07:17It's been replaced.
0:07:17 > 0:07:24I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Your mum and dad love you, but they flushed it and got another one.
0:07:24 > 0:07:30It's not as easy to do that with a cat. "Mum? Mum? Why is Ginger now black?"
0:07:30 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:31 > 0:07:35And the other thing is that we've got these rescue centres.
0:07:35 > 0:07:41We got a dog from a dogs' home, so when people say, "Where did you get the dog?"
0:07:41 > 0:07:47we say, "We rescued it." We didn't! We drove to Warrington, gave someone 50 quid and brought it home.
0:07:47 > 0:07:52But I walk around like I pulled it out of the mouth of a shark.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56"I'm a hero. This dog would be nothing without me."
0:07:56 > 0:08:00We have become obsessed with animals as a generation.
0:08:00 > 0:08:06My generation, people in their 40s, we were introduced to the world of the animal kingdom
0:08:06 > 0:08:08through David Attenborough. Wasn't it?
0:08:08 > 0:08:11You used to sit there and think, "David Attenborough's on,"
0:08:11 > 0:08:16and then he'd take you to a weird world where there'd be animals, and there'd be gorillas,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18and David Attenborough'd be there playing with the gorillas
0:08:18 > 0:08:22and you'd think, "This is wonderful. This is brilliant.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"This is wildlife telly like I really want it."
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Now, all of those gorillas have been on telly.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30They've all got agents now.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33None of them will turn up unless they're paid properly.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35It's all changed. So now, what we've had to do,
0:08:35 > 0:08:40we've had to have British wildlife television programmes,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42which is the crappest TV going.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:46We have things like Springwatch,
0:08:46 > 0:08:50where they're sat there and they'll have a camera on for 24 hours a day
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and go, "Oh! Oh! Oh! There's a ferret by the canal.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"There's a ferret by the canal.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57"Oh, it's gone. It's gone. It's gone." It's just ridiculous.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00They're trying to make us excited about our own wildlife.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01There's nothing to be excited about!
0:09:01 > 0:09:05What are they going to bring out next? Attack Of The Goldfish? Eh?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Walking With Budgies? It's never going to be exciting, is it?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12And the problem is if you watch a wildlife programme with your partner,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15you end up getting compared to it.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20- I've been married for 18 years, on and off, and always... - LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:25..what happens is you sit there watching a wildlife documentary
0:09:25 > 0:09:29and all of a sudden she thinks that reflects our relationship.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33There was a documentary 6 months ago about these Emperor penguins
0:09:33 > 0:09:40that go down to the South Pole and they're there in the Antarctic in sub-zero temperatures.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45And the female penguin will lay an egg...
0:09:45 > 0:09:52and then piss off. The male penguin has to stand on the egg for three months! Three months!
0:09:52 > 0:09:57On the egg, standing there in minus 50 degrees
0:09:57 > 0:10:01while the female penguin is out with her mates, clubbing,
0:10:01 > 0:10:08or whatever female penguins get up to, then comes back three months later when he's nearly dead
0:10:08 > 0:10:13and then he has to go get something to eat. We're sat watching it.
0:10:13 > 0:10:19She's looking at me going, "Three months. You wouldn't do that for me, would you?"
0:10:19 > 0:10:23"I babysat last week!" "You wouldn't do that for me!"
0:10:23 > 0:10:29"What do you want me to do?! I'm not a penguin! You had the egg - now sit on it!"
0:10:29 > 0:10:32"Eh? Eh? That's proper love, that penguin."
0:10:32 > 0:10:39There's another one about a sea horse. It's the only animal where the male gives birth.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43This sea horse is giving birth.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"What are you doing that for?"
0:10:46 > 0:10:52"That's an animal that loves his partner. He's giving birth. I had to give birth for you!"
0:10:54 > 0:10:58So I'm sat there. And then there's a programme about mosquitoes.
0:10:58 > 0:11:04Do you know this? The female mosquito, from the moment it hatches out of the egg,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08spends all of its life sucking. I just looked at her and went...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:17 > 0:11:22There was a point in my life when I realised some people's affection for animals has gone too far.
0:11:22 > 0:11:28I was in Guernsey, working in a hamburger shop, and two Portuguese fellas used to work for me.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32One day, one didn't come in. I said, "Where's Rodrigo?"
0:11:32 > 0:11:36He said, "I can't really say." I said, "Come on, what's going on?"
0:11:36 > 0:11:39He had a bit of a Scouse accent.
0:11:40 > 0:11:47He'd worked for a bit in Birkenhead. There's a big Portuguese population in Birkenhead.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I said, "Where's Rodrigo?" He said, "I don't know, lad..."
0:11:51 > 0:11:52LAUGHTER
0:11:52 > 0:11:55APPLAUSE
0:12:01 > 0:12:06I said, "Where's Rodrigo?" He said, "I don't know, lad."
0:12:06 > 0:12:11He said, "OK, I'll be honest. He's been arrested." I said, "What for?"
0:12:11 > 0:12:15He said, "I don't know! None of his brothers will tell me."
0:12:15 > 0:12:21It came out in the paper. This lad I'd worked with, who seemed like a very normal bloke,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24had been arrested...in Guernsey,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29for having sex with a cow.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:41And the crazy thing about this is it wasn't the first time he'd been caught!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45But it was always with the same cow.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Somehow there's something tragic and beautiful within that.
0:12:50 > 0:12:56I don't know how that works, how you go past a field of cows and go...
0:12:56 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER
0:12:59 > 0:13:01She's the one.
0:13:01 > 0:13:07Hang on, love. I'm going to get my step ladder. Back in a minute.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11As well as animals that we love, there's always animals that we hate.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I hate wasps.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I can't stand wasps.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22I'm scared of most animals.
0:13:22 > 0:13:28My partner's father says they're all called Nigel. I go, "Nigel! Nigel!"
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Ferrets. Why have one? It's weird.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- I'm scared of moths, massive ones. - I have a hatred of lions.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Yesterday night, this beast of a moth came. It was about that big.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I try to avoid contact with lions.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I think it was the king of moths.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Any other animals I don't mind.
0:13:47 > 0:13:53- I used to be frightened of cows. - Rabbits and flapping birds.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Or geese when they come at you.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Dogs. I would say I'm scared of them. I think most black folk are.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- I really don't like rats.- Rats!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Once I was on holiday in the Middle East...
0:14:09 > 0:14:14You get the occasional farm rat. It's like a small dog.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18I woke up in the night to some scuttling noises.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20They've a big, horrible, scaly tail.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- It was rats on the bed with me.- Ugh!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Just the thought makes me go cold.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Spiders.- I absolutely hate spiders.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- Anything over half an inch, I call the wife.- Oh, God!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Even the smallest one. I walk around them.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39The way they move, stare at you...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- They've got too many legs. - They do stare.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47If I see one on the carpet, I won't sit on the floor until it's gone.
0:14:47 > 0:14:53If you don't like a spider and there's no one to save you, get a hair dryer and blow it away.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55That works. Blow it out the door.
0:14:55 > 0:15:01That's what I do. Don't put it on too hot cos they tend to burn!
0:15:08 > 0:15:14I love the idea of that. Why not just get a blowtorch? "Get out of here!"
0:15:14 > 0:15:21The good thing about Britain in relation to animals that we hate is we have seasons. Things change.
0:15:21 > 0:15:27There's nothing better, I'm sure you will agree, when it gets to September or October
0:15:27 > 0:15:32and you see a wasp struggling on the floor. You look at it.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Is that hard, eh? Eh? Is that hard?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39That's for ruining my picnic, you little twat!
0:15:41 > 0:15:49And animals as well that seem to create the most fear are geese because they go in packs.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53It's scary as hell. You don't get one goose coming at you.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58You get a gang of geese. And they come at you in a pack like that.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03What's most frightening about them, if anyone's ever seen geese move
0:16:03 > 0:16:07and looked at the way scallies move, it's exactly the same.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:14All they need is a trackie! Put a trackie on a goose,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16and it's, "All right, la!"
0:16:16 > 0:16:20The other animal I got chased by - and this is only very recently,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I was taking the dog for a walk - is cows.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I got chased by a pack of cows.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29And, I know, I don't mean, like, birds from Wigan,
0:16:29 > 0:16:30I mean a pack of cows.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I was in a...honest to God, this is honest-to-God true, this...
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I was in a field with our dog, walking the dog,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39and there was one cow had a look, and then another cow had a look,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41and they obviously had some kind of cow language,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43and I don't know if it was me or the dog
0:16:43 > 0:16:45that they were interested in.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48But they started lolloping towards me,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50and then they starting trotting a little bit,
0:16:50 > 0:16:53and then they started running. And I'm stood there in this field,
0:16:53 > 0:16:55and I've got these cows coming to me, and I thought,
0:16:55 > 0:16:59"I'll just be a farmer. I'll just go, "Get off my land!""
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- LAUGHTER - "Go away!"
0:17:03 > 0:17:05"Bad cow!"
0:17:05 > 0:17:09But it's very hard to look a cow in the face, you know what I mean?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Particularly, as I've already noticed,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13some of them have those eyes and they're quite sexy,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:20So I'm stood there with these cows coming at me, going, "Raaahhh!"
0:17:20 > 0:17:23So I tried to stand up, and then I had this horrible thought
0:17:23 > 0:17:28that I could trip over here. I'm trying to get away from the cow.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Can you imagine? I'm trying to get away from the cow with the dog.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34We got away in time. We just managed to get out the field,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36but as I was running out the field, I thought,
0:17:36 > 0:17:42"This is going to be a disaster, cos if I fall over and get killed by a herd of cows,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46"I'm going to get buried and all my mates are going to turn up,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"first of all thinking that it's a hoax."
0:17:49 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:54They'll all probably turn up in cow outfits going, "All right there?"
0:17:55 > 0:17:58"Look what he's done to get us all together for a piss-up.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00"He's pretending he got killed by cows!
0:18:00 > 0:18:02"Come on, eh. Let's all dress as cows!"
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Me missus'd be crying, my mates'd be going, "Moooo!"
0:18:04 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:10The other thing, though, with Britain,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14is that we were the first nation to fight against vivisection.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19We were the first nation to fight against testing drugs on animals,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22because there has been some bad times in the past when we've done that,
0:18:22 > 0:18:25and it's also proved that some of the research that went on
0:18:25 > 0:18:27with animals was absolutely pointless.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31They actually tested - and this has been proved clinically -
0:18:31 > 0:18:35they actually tested Viagra on rabbits.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38LAUGHTER
0:18:38 > 0:18:42If there's an animal that doesn't need Viagra, it's a rabbit.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43You know what I mean?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45If you want to test Viagra, give it to a few pandas.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47See how they get on.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:56There are animals that we don't like, but there's a difference with pets. Pets are different.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00And everyone remembers their first ever pet.
0:19:02 > 0:19:08My first pet as a little girl was a hedgehog and his name was Moses.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11My first pet was called Buttons. It was a hamster.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I would sit him on my lap and roll him over
0:19:14 > 0:19:18and crack the fleas off his belly between my fingernails.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22I didn't get my first pet till I was 25. It was a goldfish.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27One day, he disappeared, and my dad said that the gypsies had taken him,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29rolled him in mud and roasted him.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- Our first pet was a hamster. - BOTH: Called Bob.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It started with three black gerbils. I had Mandela, Biko and Gandhi.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- She was a girl.- Yeah, but we didn't know that when she was named.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Yeah, gender-confused hamster.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Gandhi became Mrs Gandhi when Mrs Gandhi had lots of babies.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48She bit off her own foot and bled to death.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50It's kind of a tragic tale.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I spent three months in the Seychelle Islands,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54and I rode around on a giant tortoise.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56There was a tortoise. I was four or five.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Apparently I buried it in the garden.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00My tortoise provided me as good a service
0:20:00 > 0:20:01as any horse would have done.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04And my mum came out and went, "Where's the tortoise?"
0:20:04 > 0:20:05"It's in the ground."
0:20:05 > 0:20:08My first pet, when I was three years old, was a cat called Sooty,
0:20:08 > 0:20:09who is actually still alive to this day.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I was taken to a farmyard and asked to pick out a kitten.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15She's got no tail, she's 20 years old, she got shot.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Sadly, he was run over about five weeks after I had him.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22And she got attacked by a fox. And she's still alive. She's 20.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25That was the first in a long line of cats I had that were squashed flat.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28As a kid, losing a pet for me was like a little birthday present.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33It's true! Every pet cat that I had when I was a little boy
0:20:33 > 0:20:35was run over within a few months.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Don't get upset. Get a new one.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39We lived near a road.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Swap your white one for a brown one. Mix it up. Get a Friesian cow.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Don't know why I said about a Friesian cow,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46but you know what I mean.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:56One of the things that is true is that we had pets.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57We had proper pets.
0:20:57 > 0:21:03Our generation had pets that were real, not like kids now.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05They have virtual pets.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Pets that aren't even there.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11One of my lads has got into this Farmville. Have you seen Farmville?
0:21:11 > 0:21:18Where you work on a farm, virtually. It's just ridiculous. It's took over his life!
0:21:18 > 0:21:23He came downstairs the other morning at five o'clock. "You're up early."
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"I've got to, Dad. These European quotas are killing me."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER
0:21:27 > 0:21:33Schools have tried to teach kids responsibility with school pets.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Everyone here must have had school pets. Did everyone have school pets?
0:21:37 > 0:21:42- AUDIENCE: Yes.- Were they any good?- No.- They're shite.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46They're stupid pets. A hamster, a hamster!
0:21:46 > 0:21:49A hamster is the most pointless pet in the world.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52You might as well just paint a face on a potato.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55That's what I had to look after, a hamster.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Stick insects. My kids had stick insects. The school pet was a stick insect.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05You know what a stick insect is? It's an insect that pretends it's a stick!
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Just get a friggin' stick!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09LAUGHTER
0:22:09 > 0:22:14The biggest debate in this country is our love of two main animals.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- What are those animals? - Dogs and cats.- Dogs and cats.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Our biggest love in this country is two animals - the dogs and the cats.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26And everyone's got an opinion on which is better.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33- Well, I prefer dogs to cats any day. - I'm definitely a dog man.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Cats? Rubbish!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Cats any time. I've always adored cats.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43He doesn't like cats probably because they stare at you in a funny way.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I married a socialist. She loves cats. I love dogs.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I hate cats.
0:22:48 > 0:22:54My cats were always my best friends. I could do anything with a cat. I dressed cats up when I was a girl.
0:22:54 > 0:23:01I got two Persian cats as wedding presents, one of which, thank God, got run over the day of the Derby.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Best thing about dogs is they're always happy.
0:23:03 > 0:23:09I really dislike dogs. They snivel around you and they're always expecting something.
0:23:09 > 0:23:15- The dog, it comes over and it's friendly to you.- It pees on your carpet, chews your slippers.
0:23:15 > 0:23:21Those annoying dog owners, "He means well," when it jumps all over you. You're like, "I don't want this."
0:23:21 > 0:23:26Dogs are your friend. They're loyal, they love you, they look after you.
0:23:26 > 0:23:32Then your friends come round with their dogs. "I didn't invite your dog round. I invited YOU round."
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I don't like cats because you can't say you own them.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Cats are the devil.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45You come home late... "Where have you been? You were meant to feed me. What are you doing?"
0:23:45 > 0:23:51Why would you want to have, feed, pay for and look after something that scratches you?
0:23:51 > 0:23:56"I've got a present for you. Here's a dead sparrow. How do you like them apples?"
0:23:56 > 0:23:59It coughs up fur balls.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01It vomits balls of fur.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04You never hear of crazy people collecting dogs.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06I love cats cos they purr.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"Dead body found, face eaten off by their 30 cats."
0:24:09 > 0:24:14You don't hear that about dogs. It's only nutters that collect cats.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17APPLAUSE
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Dogs are brilliant. I know there's a debate between dogs and cats.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24But if a cat ever swallows a wasp, it'll just cry.
0:24:24 > 0:24:30If a dog swallows a wasp, it'll give you entertainment for the next 15 minutes.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:34As far as I'm concerned, dogs offer you something else.
0:24:34 > 0:24:40In reality, every dog owner in here knows that dogs are basically a reservoir of love.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44They are. Every house needs a dog, every family needs a dog,
0:24:44 > 0:24:48particularly if you're the husband, if you're the dad.
0:24:48 > 0:24:54You can walk into your kitchen and look at your dog and say, "They all think I'm a knobhead."
0:24:54 > 0:24:58And the dog will go, "It's OK, I love you, I love you."
0:24:58 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:03After 18 years of marriage, you need that.
0:25:03 > 0:25:10They will respond to your moods as well. If you come in happy, the dog goes, "You're happy, you're happy!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"We're all happy! I'm happy! You're happy!"
0:25:13 > 0:25:17If you come in sad, the dog will go, "Oh, we're sad, we're sad.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22"We're sad, we're sad. You're sad, I'm sad, I'm sad.
0:25:22 > 0:25:26"If you're sad, I'll be sad with you, I'll be sad."
0:25:26 > 0:25:30The best thing to do is to come into the house and be morally ambivalent.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Just come in and the dog's going...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41"Tickle me belly!"
0:25:43 > 0:25:48For us, though, we had a dog, a beautiful dog, a dog that we got from a dogs' home.
0:25:48 > 0:25:54This is not the dog that we've got now. This is our previous dog, a German shepherd dog.
0:25:54 > 0:26:00We went to the dogs' home to get it. I don't know if anyone's got a dog from a dogs' home. It's very tough.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05You see all the dogs looking at you and you know they all want to be picked by you.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07It's like The X Factor for dogs.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11In fact, some of them have got a lot more talent than them knobheads.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15But you walk along and they're all there waiting to be picked.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19We got this dog, a German shepherd dog, an old dog.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22We took him home. He was a lovely dog, a great dog.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26We called him Chewy. The kids called him Chewy cos he's a dog.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30You could have called him anything. He would respond to anything.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Chewy's a lovely name. Cos he chewed things, we called him Chewy.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39He licked his bollocks. I thought Licky Bollocky wasn't a good name.
0:26:39 > 0:26:45Those people with German shepherds will know that sometimes they suffer this problem
0:26:45 > 0:26:47where their legs begin to go.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52My wife said, "You'll have to take Chewy for a walk to see what's going on with his legs."
0:26:52 > 0:26:57I took him out for a walk and he would run, then he'd fall over,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00which, to begin with, was funny, to be fair.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04We took him to the vet. I said to the vet, "He keeps falling over."
0:27:04 > 0:27:09The vet said, "I'm sorry. He's got a degenerative disease that German shepherds get.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12"It's not going to get any better, so..."
0:27:12 > 0:27:16It was a tough thing. I took him home and we sat the kids down.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21I looked at the three lads and said, "I've taken Chewy to the vet.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24"His legs haven't been very good,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- "so we've got to kill him." - WHIMPERS
0:27:29 > 0:27:35It's amazing how soft kids are. They started crying. I said, "What are you crying for?
0:27:35 > 0:27:40"You don't have to kill him. I've got to pay for it. It costs a bleeding bomb!"
0:27:40 > 0:27:46It was one of those moments that every father will recognise when your children invest hope in you
0:27:46 > 0:27:50cos my youngest lad said, "Dad, do we have to kill him?
0:27:50 > 0:27:55"He's a lovely dog and I really, really love him and I don't want him to go."
0:27:55 > 0:28:01And I just looked at my son and he had all this hope in his eyes
0:28:01 > 0:28:04and courage to ask to give Chewy another chance.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08I said, "No, son, he's knackered. We've got to kill him.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10"He's fucked, to be honest with you."
0:28:10 > 0:28:15Then he said that thing that only a kid of this generation would say.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18He said, "Dad, is there not an answer on the internet?"
0:28:20 > 0:28:23I looked for dogs.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28I've got to be honest. I got sidetracked for a while.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34I was looking for an answer, so I put in "dogs with bad legs"
0:28:34 > 0:28:36or "help for dogs with bad legs",
0:28:36 > 0:28:39then I just thought "wheels".
0:28:39 > 0:28:45I put "wheels for dogs" and I found the website called Wheels For Dogs.
0:28:45 > 0:28:50It's a website that makes wheels for dogs.
0:28:50 > 0:28:56So we ordered these wheels for him and they arrived and they're amazing, amazing things.
0:28:56 > 0:29:02If anyone is in that situation, investigate it cos it did extend his life,
0:29:02 > 0:29:07but it came to the point in his life where he had to go, we had to make that decision.
0:29:07 > 0:29:11And we got an urn and on the urn it's got "your special friend".
0:29:11 > 0:29:15So I brought the urn home and I said to her, "Chewy's here."
0:29:15 > 0:29:18And she said, "That's lovely."
0:29:19 > 0:29:22She said, "It's time to tell 'em."
0:29:23 > 0:29:25We're all sat there having our tea.
0:29:25 > 0:29:29I got it out and put it on the table.
0:29:29 > 0:29:33I said, "Chewy's in here." We expected them to be upset as children.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36We forgot that they were boys.
0:29:36 > 0:29:40The first thing they wanted to do was get the dust out and have a look.
0:29:40 > 0:29:46I don't know if they were going to snort Chewy or what, but they wanted him on the table.
0:29:46 > 0:29:51I said, "No, this is our special friend. We're going to bury him in the garden."
0:29:51 > 0:29:56And it was a lovely moment where they all went, "All right, that's sad, Dad."
0:29:56 > 0:30:01Then my youngest lad said, "We can't just bury it like that." I said, "What do you mean?"
0:30:01 > 0:30:05He said, "Can't we make some special wheels for it?"
0:30:05 > 0:30:07LAUGHTER
0:30:07 > 0:30:09So we made some special wheels.
0:30:11 > 0:30:18If anyone ever digs that up, they're going to think that we've buried a midget chariot rider.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:26 > 0:30:29The other thing that's taken over this country is status dogs.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32On the estates, you've got all these kids with status dogs,
0:30:32 > 0:30:37walking around going, "That's mine. A big dog. Look at that, look at that!
0:30:37 > 0:30:40"I've got a big dog. Look at that. I've got a dog."
0:30:40 > 0:30:45That's not status. If you want to have some status, get an eagle.
0:30:45 > 0:30:52Wouldn't that be cool, walking round in your trackie like that, going, "I've got an eagle. Look at that."
0:30:52 > 0:30:58And there's also this thing about which dogs are dangerous because they keep changing the category.
0:30:58 > 0:31:03The best way of finding if you've got a dangerous dog is take it out, throw a stick.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07If it comes back with a skull, it's a dangerous dog.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10What they have tried to do is cross-breed them.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14Part of the reason all these dogs have gone dangerous is overbreeding.
0:31:14 > 0:31:20You've ended up with a character trait that's gone mad, so the best thing to do is to cross-breed them.
0:31:20 > 0:31:26That's a good idea, but it would be even better if you did it between other animals.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Wouldn't that be fantastic if you crossed a dog with a monkey?
0:31:30 > 0:31:33Something that would be able to pick up its own shit.
0:31:35 > 0:31:41And we also do this stupid thing as well where we grant dogs emotions
0:31:41 > 0:31:45or animals emotions that we don't know they're having.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49Our dog was asleep the other day. Have you ever watched a dog sleeping?
0:31:49 > 0:31:53It lies there going, "Woof! Woof, woof! Woof, woof!"
0:31:53 > 0:31:58I said to my missus, "Look at the dog!" She said, "Yeah, it's chasing rabbits."
0:32:00 > 0:32:02It's never seen a rabbit!
0:32:02 > 0:32:07How do you know it's not getting chased by a dragon in its dreams
0:32:07 > 0:32:10with Harry Potter on its back? You've no frigging idea!
0:32:10 > 0:32:16But the worst thing about pets is every now and again they let you down by being naughty pets.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23My English bull terrier would break
0:32:23 > 0:32:28into my friend's bedroom and rub his penis all over her bed.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32I had an American bald eagle I was flying at a show once
0:32:32 > 0:32:34that picked up a woman's dog
0:32:34 > 0:32:38and dropped it from about 30 foot up stone dead into the main arena.
0:32:38 > 0:32:41So that wasn't a good day neither.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45I've got two Jack Russells and they are a nightmare.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47We had a Jack Russell called Charlie.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Monty is a little dog called a Jack Russell.
0:32:50 > 0:32:54Who was incredibly clever, but very vindictive.
0:32:54 > 0:33:00Monty is the most disagreeable dog that's got no table manners. It's completely disobedient.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04He'd cock his leg on the other dogs' bowls out of sheer spite.
0:33:04 > 0:33:10Unsurpassably ugly, unsurpassably naughty and something I'd happily shoot.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12They know when you've got something new -
0:33:12 > 0:33:14a new carpet or a new sofa.
0:33:14 > 0:33:18It isn't christened until one of the cats has been sick on it.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20I had a friend who had a sly cat called Horace,
0:33:20 > 0:33:23and if he threw him out, especially if it was a wet night,
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Horace would sneak back in in the night and crap on his bed.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29Before you can say "boo"... all over it.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31I can't clean up after animals.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35I purchased this dog for £91. Six-month-old border collie.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39I can't stand the smell of, er...
0:33:39 > 0:33:41My house was trashed.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43There was wee everywhere, there was poo everywhere. It stunk.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46And it was just there... MIMICS PANTING
0:33:46 > 0:33:48I can't do it. I'm squeamish. Eurgh.
0:33:48 > 0:33:51So I took it back to the dog home and I got a refund.
0:33:51 > 0:33:54SHE LAUGHS
0:33:54 > 0:33:57APPLAUSE
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Imagine if Madonna did that with her kids.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05"I've had them for a bit, and I don't like them."
0:34:07 > 0:34:11With cats as well, everyone talks about cats bringing you presents.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15They bring you these birds and they say, "There's half a squirrel, there's half a bird"
0:34:15 > 0:34:19or "there's half of something that I found" and they spit it out.
0:34:19 > 0:34:24There's this half-eaten thing on the floor. And you go, "What do I want to do with that?"
0:34:24 > 0:34:29It's supposed to be because they're giving YOU a present.
0:34:29 > 0:34:34They're not, cos it's not something you want, it's not something you asked for.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37They've gone out, picked it up and said, "You can have it."
0:34:37 > 0:34:42The best way to deal with that is to give a cat something THEY don't want. Give them a set of cuff links.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47"Thanks for the bird. Put them on."
0:34:47 > 0:34:49And another thing that's changed recently,
0:34:49 > 0:34:52and I don't know if this is cos of the whole celebrity thing
0:34:52 > 0:34:54that's gone on, is animals' names.
0:34:54 > 0:34:59Now, when I was a kid, a dog would be called Rover or Blackie or Spot.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Now, they've gone mental,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04cos they call their dogs normal people's names.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07You say, "What's your dog called?" They go, "Frank".
0:35:07 > 0:35:09LAUGHTER
0:35:09 > 0:35:11What's that dog called? Alison. Oh, that's nice.
0:35:11 > 0:35:13And are these your kids? Yeah, yeah.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15That's Chlamydia...
0:35:15 > 0:35:17LAUGHTER
0:35:17 > 0:35:20The way we've named our pets isn't the only thing that's changed.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24There's a whole industry now for showing how much you love your pets,
0:35:24 > 0:35:26and no matter how far you take it,
0:35:26 > 0:35:29there's always somebody who pampers their pet
0:35:29 > 0:35:31just a little bit more than you.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40My shih-tzus are a really big part of my life.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44I would actually do anything for my animals.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48They have their own bedroom, their own grooming room with an en suite.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52If they could speak and say, "Hey, Dad, I want a massage today"
0:35:52 > 0:35:55or something, I'd probably give it to them.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Pampered pets, I think, is an abomination.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02I had the displeasure of buying my middle daughter a dog called Monty.
0:36:02 > 0:36:05With Midgey, I'm his god, sort of thing.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07He relies on me for everything.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11Within seconds, I came from the top of the food chain to the bottom.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13This dog gets given Christmas presents.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14He gets presents on a weekly basis.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18And I buy him these little collars, and they treat him like humans.
0:36:18 > 0:36:19It has a Santa Claus outfit.
0:36:19 > 0:36:23Midgey is styling his own little Santa outfit today for you guys.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25It's the most ghastly thing I've come across.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28And in reality, it's a little two-pound poo machine.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32That's not a dog, is it? That's a rat with a ribbon in its hair.
0:36:32 > 0:36:35We've got matching coats for our dogs at home.
0:36:35 > 0:36:38I don't believe in all these people that dress animals up.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40- Are you serious? - Yeah, they look very smart.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43Dogs aren't made for handbags, really.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47You see old Paris Hilton strutting around with this dog in her bag.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Well, how does she know it hasn't shat in there?
0:36:49 > 0:36:52It's dirty, if you ask me, putting a dog in your bag.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54You're like... "Nahhh."
0:36:54 > 0:36:59You're calling a chihuahua Kiki, kissing it, wiping its bum,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02and putting it in a dress. The dress could buy me a car, mate.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04Do you know what I mean?
0:37:04 > 0:37:08They take a bit of looking after. And they need a lot of love.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10APPLAUSE
0:37:13 > 0:37:19Another thing that's happened as well is you get people whose pets have got their own Facebook page.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23Their own Facebook page for their pets!
0:37:23 > 0:37:27Who on earth has a Facebook page for their pet? How stupid is that?
0:37:27 > 0:37:30And if you look at them, they'll say things like,
0:37:30 > 0:37:32"Mummy's taking me for a walk now."
0:37:32 > 0:37:35And then you get other people replying to it.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37"I've just been back from my walk with my mummy."
0:37:37 > 0:37:39LAUGHTER
0:37:39 > 0:37:42And the other thing that's a massive industry,
0:37:42 > 0:37:44and I've got to be honest with you, I've fell into it myself,
0:37:44 > 0:37:47cos we've now got an English bull terrier.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49I've bought him a coat.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53Yeah. I have. I've bought him a coat, and I walk around with the dog
0:37:53 > 0:37:56in the coat. It's lovely. He's got a coat.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00No, it's nice. I like the coat. The dog looks good. It's a coat.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Take the coat and the dog. Are we going for a walk?
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Me and the dog.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07LAUGHTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:09And I've got to be honest with you,
0:38:09 > 0:38:11we bought the dog a coat when it was snowing last winter
0:38:11 > 0:38:13because you'd take him out and it was freezing.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15And he'd look, going, "I'm on me own."
0:38:15 > 0:38:17I'd go, "I know, but unless you learn how to use the bog,
0:38:17 > 0:38:19"you've got to go out, haven't you?"
0:38:19 > 0:38:20LAUGHTER
0:38:20 > 0:38:22It's not my fault, is it?
0:38:22 > 0:38:25So we got him, me and my missus, we got him a coat.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27LAUGHS
0:38:27 > 0:38:29So I got him a parka.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32LAUGHTER
0:38:32 > 0:38:33I've got a mod dog.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37And I've got to tell you.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40I've had a lot of embarrassing things happen to me.
0:38:40 > 0:38:41I've had a lot of moments
0:38:41 > 0:38:44where I've had to look at me mates and say, "Ooh, I know."
0:38:44 > 0:38:46There's a lot of times in my life where I've wondered
0:38:46 > 0:38:48whether I'm making the right decision,
0:38:48 > 0:38:50and I've looked at my mates for it,
0:38:50 > 0:38:54but I can't tell you how awkward it is to be walking round a corner
0:38:54 > 0:38:57with your dog on a lead, and the dog's got a parka on,
0:38:57 > 0:39:00when your mates are coming out the pub.
0:39:00 > 0:39:01LAUGHTER
0:39:01 > 0:39:05But there's some people who take their love for animals
0:39:05 > 0:39:08to the absolute extreme.
0:39:11 > 0:39:15Midgey, the chihuahua. Midgey's got a wardrobe of his own. Ain't ya?
0:39:20 > 0:39:22He's got army camouflage outfits.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26He's got tracksuits.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33He's got a West Ham shirt.
0:39:36 > 0:39:37Puffer coats.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42A cowboy hat. Very sad.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46And he's got diamante collars.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50He's pretty much spoilt.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56He's a really easy-going dog. He's just like my baby.
0:39:56 > 0:39:58WHIMPERS
0:39:58 > 0:40:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:04 > 0:40:07People look at that and think, "That's mad. That's crazy."
0:40:07 > 0:40:10But I tell you what, it just shows how far we've gone.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Now, we're all responsible dog owners.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14We all take our dogs for a walk and we all do that same thing
0:40:14 > 0:40:17when we take the dog for a walk. We all poop and scoop.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Everyone in this nation now poop and scoops
0:40:19 > 0:40:21cos it's the right thing to do.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23And we all agree it's the right thing to do.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25When I first took my dog for a walk,
0:40:25 > 0:40:29and we got the new dog, me missus said, "You've got to take the dog for a walk."
0:40:29 > 0:40:30So I took him for a walk.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33And as I'm walking out the house, she said, "Take these bags."
0:40:33 > 0:40:36I said, "What for? I'm not carrying him."
0:40:36 > 0:40:39She said, "No, when he does his business, you've got to pick it up."
0:40:40 > 0:40:42LAUGHTER
0:40:42 > 0:40:46When he first went into the bushes, I thought, "He's obviously done it."
0:40:46 > 0:40:48He come out looking at me almost winking, as if to say,
0:40:48 > 0:40:51"There you go, lad, it's in there."
0:40:51 > 0:40:55I went into the bush, and this is a horrible situation.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57I'm sure other dog owners have faced it.
0:40:57 > 0:40:58I walked in.
0:40:58 > 0:40:59There was two.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02LAUGHTER
0:41:02 > 0:41:05You then face that moral dilemma.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08Do you pick up one or do you pick up both?
0:41:08 > 0:41:12LAUGHTER
0:41:12 > 0:41:14Looking round this room, I can see...
0:41:16 > 0:41:18A lot of people would test the temperature.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21LAUGHTER
0:41:21 > 0:41:23And pick up only their dog's. Cos you would.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Nobody wants to pick up the shit of a dog
0:41:25 > 0:41:27you're not emotionally involved with.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29That's just weird.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31The best thing that you can do for the environment,
0:41:31 > 0:41:34if we're being honest, is bury it.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Not the dog, the shit.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39It is. That's the best thing that you can do. I've got to be honest,
0:41:39 > 0:41:41that's not an easy thing to do.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43Nobody looks kindly on a man
0:41:43 > 0:41:46walking into the woods on his own with a spade.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48LAUGHTER
0:41:48 > 0:41:50APPLAUSE
0:41:53 > 0:41:54So, that's animals.
0:41:54 > 0:41:59Tonight, Britain has taught me that falconers are scared of lions,
0:41:59 > 0:42:01you should never trust a gypsy with a hedgehog
0:42:01 > 0:42:04and even chihuahuas can get in the West Ham team.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Thank you, good night and God bless!
0:42:06 > 0:42:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd