0:00:31 > 0:00:34Thank you, thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Good evening, and welcome to John Bishop's Britain.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41On tonight's show, I'll be talking about friends.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Now we all know, in our life,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46they're an important factor, friends.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49But everyone knows that, when you've got friends,
0:00:49 > 0:00:52one of your friends is basically a dickhead.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:57If you're watching this and suddenly thought, "None of my mates are a dickhead..."
0:01:03 > 0:01:06The difficulty is when you're trying to decide who's your best friend.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I was talking to one of my mates. I said, "Who's your best friend?"
0:01:09 > 0:01:11He said, "I've got to be honest. It's me wife."
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I thought, "Isn't that lovely?"
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I said, "How long's she been your best friend?"
0:01:15 > 0:01:17He said, "Since the dog died."
0:01:19 > 0:01:23The way the show works is I've spoken to hundreds of people about the subject.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27This is what they look like. You wouldn't want them as your mate, would you?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30And here's a taster of what they've got to say.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32- Honk-honk. - Sheep shagger.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- Sex trout. - I think it's a pervert's paradise.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- Look at her, she's all right, in't she?- Mmm, bedtime.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- They'll bend it out and that's it. - Yeah yeah-rrr.- Oi, Stiffy!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- I have not got a hard-on! - That's my Jamaican accent!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- I think Sugar Puff suits me. - It is a gift.- I don't need to know.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50There you go. There'll be more from them later
0:01:50 > 0:01:53and the odd sketch to help us along the way.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57One of the main things about having mates is that you know,
0:01:57 > 0:01:59particularly as a boy,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02that one of the happiest times is when you get a new best friend.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Particularly at school - school friends are always important.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08It's always great when you get a new best friend,
0:02:08 > 0:02:09and then it's always brilliant
0:02:09 > 0:02:13when that best friend gets the ball in the bollocks playing football.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That's when you know they're a proper friend.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19When they're on the floor crying, and you're going,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"That's brilliant, that is!"
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Cos really, school friends are always going to be
0:02:24 > 0:02:26the important people in your life.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33The chums I had at school were all people who were prince of men.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34All people who led.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Four of us went everywhere together - the four musketeers.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39All people who were absolutely fearless.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43They were really academic, but I was the real arty-farty one.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46And it was actually our strength. We got on brilliantly well.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50I think in school days there's those very clear divisions of groups -
0:02:50 > 0:02:52the cool, the geeks, the dweebies.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I was very much in the cool group.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56The pretty girls would all hang around together
0:02:56 > 0:02:58with their long hair and long legs.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02At school, I straddled, in a non-sexual way,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05the jocks and the nerds. I was in between the two.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08The geeky kids would always hang around together,
0:03:08 > 0:03:09the kids in the chess club.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I used to be part of the role-playing games club.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16So I used to play with Magic: The Gathering cards, Star Trek cards.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19The No Body Fat group was the group I was in at school.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21For want of a better term, I was a floater.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23But those days are over.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26We had our own troop of...outcasts.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30At school, I was in the naughty gang of children.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32And we used to smoke, from the age of 10.
0:03:32 > 0:03:38- I wanted to hang out in graveyards, and smoke, and...- Who did that?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40We would smoke in the school toilets.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42We would smoke in the bike sheds.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I didn't go behind the bike sheds for a quick fag, no way.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I wasn't a teacher's pet, that's for sure.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48I was in the tough group.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52There was a group of us all liked cars,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54so we used to play a game called 'Yen'.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Honk honk - I'm a lorry - ye-e-e-en!
0:03:59 > 0:04:03It usually ended up me as the lorry, as I was slower than everybody else!
0:04:03 > 0:04:08Ye-e-e-e-en! Ye-e-e-e-en! And that was my playgroup game.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19There's nothing nicer than seeing a grown man being a little boy
0:04:19 > 0:04:22but still wearing a Babygro, is there?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24And when you're a child as well,
0:04:24 > 0:04:25your friendships are different.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Cos being a friend with someone is a prize.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It's something you offer them. Like when you say,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33"Let me play with your ball or I won't be your friend."
0:04:33 > 0:04:35And they end up letting you play with the ball.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37It changes when you become an adult.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39You can't say, "Give us a go with your wife,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"or I won't be your friend."
0:04:42 > 0:04:45The reason why you become friends with someone changes as well.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49When you're a kid, you'll be friends with someone cos they pooed in the Plasticine.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53When they grow up, that's not going to attract you to somebody, is it?!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Also, when you're a kid, you will die for your friends,
0:04:56 > 0:04:57fight for your friends.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00You're the only one who will look after your friends.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03There'll always be those situations in a playground
0:05:03 > 0:05:06where someone'll say, "Come on, let's go and get them!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"They're calling Fatty Johnston a fat bastard!"
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Cos you're the only one who can insult your mates.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16And all of those insults end up being something else.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Often, they'll end up being the nicknames
0:05:18 > 0:05:21you carry with you for the rest of your life.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26My nickname at school was Sheepy,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29which was actually short for sheep shagger.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32My name at secondary school was Stiffy.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35The worst one, I think, was Sex Trout...
0:05:35 > 0:05:39You'd be walking across the playground and someone'd go, "Oi, Stiffy!"
0:05:39 > 0:05:41And I go, "Hello".
0:05:41 > 0:05:43..Maybe the lips being a little fish-like
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and the fact that I was obviously some kind of sex god.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49It is a gift to be given a nickname.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Some cheeky buggers used to call me Speccy Four-eyes!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57When I wore the jam-jar glasses that were National Health.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58My nickname was Bat.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I was called Tits...
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I think it was the fact my ears stuck out slightly and plastic surgery put that right.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08..Because I was a little porky kid.
0:06:08 > 0:06:14My nickname's Baps cos of the whole...boobage issue.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I think Sugar Puff suits me and my friends gave me that name.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It's probably because I'm big, cuddly,
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I sometimes act like a monster and I also can be sweet.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26My nickname's Chip but I don't really know why I'm called Chip.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27I was always called Chip.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31I love the nickname. It's quite nice, man. I love it. It's a loving name.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- They used to call me Sherlock. - Why's that?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I've had Noddy since I was seven years old.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43He calls me The Witch, though. That's my nickname.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- That's not a nickname, darling... - That's not kind, is it? - That's just a fact.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Has anyone in here got an odd nickname?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Ski Slope.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59- Ski Slope?- Yeah.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04I would...like to think...
0:07:04 > 0:07:06it's for loads of good reasons.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Don't tell me it's cos you're good at going down,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- cos that would be... - LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Why are you called Ski Slope? - Me nose.- Your nose?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15They said it looked like a ski slope.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Let's have a look at your nose.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19It looks like a nose!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:24The lady next to you who looks embarrassed, is that your wife?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25- No.- No.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Oh...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Do you know him?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Is this a cheap date or something?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Are you friends, colleagues...?
0:07:37 > 0:07:38- Friends.- Friends.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I think your nickname's going to be changing very, very soon...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48..to Divorcee!
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- Can anyone come up with a nickname that beats Ski Slope?- Bomb Scare.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Your nickname's Bomb Scare?
0:07:56 > 0:08:00No, not mine. Somebody I know is called Bomb Scare.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Someone you know?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04He doesn't walk around with a rucksack a lot, does he?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06How does he get a name like Bomb Scare?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09When he walks into a room, everyone disappears.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11That's good, that. I'm liking that.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14APPLAUSE
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Everyone who knows you now thinks that they're Bomb Scare.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25So, for the sake of Bomb Scare, to put him out of his misery, what does he look like?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:30You don't have to name him! I mean, you don't have to name him.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32He's got a bit of a slope on his nose.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Never ever make friends with someone who's got a dodgy nickname.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45If someone ever says to you, "Look, this is my mate, Firestarter," run away.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49But do you know what I've thought as well?
0:08:49 > 0:08:53The best thing is to move and make up your own nickname. Yeah.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Cos it says something about you. When I moved to Manchester, everyone said, "What's your name?"
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I said, "Just call me Chopper."
0:09:00 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Oh, all right.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14But what happens is as well is you'll have these nicknames
0:09:14 > 0:09:18and it's OK cos you're amongst your friends, your group, your peer group.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21And then you grow up, and you end up with a girlfriend
0:09:21 > 0:09:23or you end up with a husband or...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25basically, you end up with a partner,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28someone that you've got to introduce your friends to.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31And that is an absolute nightmare,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34introducing your friends to your partner.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36What happened with me and my wife,
0:09:36 > 0:09:40we got married a lot earlier than most of my mates.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42We had kids earlier than most of my mates.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44One of my mates, called Serge,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47wanted to come up to Manchester for a weekend.
0:09:47 > 0:09:54We were living in Manchester. We had a baby, 12 weeks old.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Everyone in this room knows that if you've got a baby,
0:09:57 > 0:09:5912...weeks...old,
0:09:59 > 0:10:03you are probably that far away from killing each other.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Let alone having someone coming up to your house.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10My mate said, "I'm just coming up for a weekend.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"Can I stay?" I said, "Well, you can stay, but we've got a baby.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15"Remember, we've got a baby."
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"Do not stay out."
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I said, "I'll come for a drink with you, then we'll go back at half 10."
0:10:22 > 0:10:24We went to the pub, we had a drink.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28At half 10, I said, "Come on, we'd better go back." He said, "No."
0:10:28 > 0:10:30He said, "I'm only up for a bit. I'll just go on."
0:10:30 > 0:10:34I said, "Do not come back to my house. We've got a baby."
0:10:34 > 0:10:37He said, "I won't come back to you. Don't worry about it."
0:10:37 > 0:10:38At two o'clock in the morning,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- DOG BARKS - the dog started barking.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43The baby woke up.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I heard the doorbell ring.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I walked downstairs. Serge was stood on the step
0:10:48 > 0:10:49with a kebab.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51LAUGHTER
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I said, "What are you doing?!"
0:10:53 > 0:10:56He said, "What's wrong with you? I didn't know you wanted one!"
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I said, "What are you doing?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"Right, get upstairs. Get in the spare room."
0:11:01 > 0:11:04So I sent him off to the spare room. She's crying at this point.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07She wants a divorce. She wants to stab me in the eye.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09The baby's up, kicking its...
0:11:09 > 0:11:13I'm trying to soothe the baby. I'm trying to manage the situation.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16The following morning, she gets out of bed.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19She said, "That's it. I'm taking this baby out for a walk.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"When I get back, I want him GONE!"
0:11:25 > 0:11:29I went upstairs to the spare room. I kicked him out of bed.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I said, "Hey. You. Dickhead." I told you not to come back."
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I said, "I'm..."
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I said, "I'm going to take the dog for a walk.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"I will be 20 minutes. When I get back, I want you GONE!
0:11:40 > 0:11:44"Do you hear me? I want you gone. Mate or no mate,
0:11:44 > 0:11:45"I want you gone!"
0:11:45 > 0:11:48He went, "All right!"
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I took the dog for a walk. I came back.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I walked in. The house was quiet.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I went upstairs. I went into the spare room.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58He'd left the bed unmade, but it was empty.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Half a kebab was on the side.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03I thought, "I'll forgive him. He's gone. At least he's gone."
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I walked into the bathroom. He was lying in the bath.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I said, "What are you doing?!"
0:12:10 > 0:12:12He said, "I can't go without a bath."
0:12:13 > 0:12:17APPLAUSE
0:12:19 > 0:12:23But the problem is that when you're meeting your partner's friends,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25first impressions count.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31One day my boyfriend wanted to introduce me to his mates.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32Before I went in, I thought,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34"I wouldn't mind going out with the girls,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37"having a couple of drinks to get a bit of Dutch courage.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"I'm going to meet six blokes, I'm a bit nervous."
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Got to the door of my boyfriend's flat.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Bang. Open the door. In I come, absolutely shit-faced.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Started pinching all their curries off their plates,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53going round, realised I felt sick.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Went outside, two doors down into their neighbours' garden,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59sat in the garden spewing and crying.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00They wouldn't let me in the house,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03and I stayed there till five o'clock in the morning.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Don't get pissed before you meet your boyfriends' friends.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07That is definitely the moral of the story.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Just be yourself. Drink doesn't help!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14APPLAUSE
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I don't know if anyone's ever been in that situation
0:13:21 > 0:13:23where you've been forced to go out on a double date.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Can you imagine what that was like for me?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Cos I was going out with a girl from Manchester,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31which meant that all of her friends were from Manchester,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34which meant that all of their boyfriends were Mancs.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Sorry, I forgot that the studio is in Salford.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42LAUGHTER
0:13:42 > 0:13:44And they were lovely lads. Every single one!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:49When you're at different stages in your life,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51different things are important.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Like when we were kids, and making friends when you are kid is easy.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Everybody knows that. We used to go on holiday...
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Probably like people in here, we used to go to Wales,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04and you go camping in Wales, and your dad will put the tent up,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07or your mum'd help with your dad parking the caravan or whatever,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10or if you were posh, like some of the people from Chester,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12and you were in a chalet...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16..they'd just get everything there, get all the food out,
0:14:16 > 0:14:20and then they'd look at you and say, "Hey, go and make friends."
0:14:20 > 0:14:21LAUGHTER
0:14:21 > 0:14:23And as a kid, you'd go, "OK."
0:14:23 > 0:14:27And you'd go over to other kids and go, "Can I be your friend?"
0:14:27 > 0:14:30And they'd make an instant decision.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32They'd either say, "Yes, you can be my friend," or they'd say,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"No, you can't be my friend."
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And you'd go, "I didn't want to be your friend anyway, knobhead."
0:14:37 > 0:14:40And you'd walk away. It was a very easy thing to do.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43You can't do that when you're a grown-up, can you?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46You can't go on holiday and walk into a bar and go,
0:14:46 > 0:14:47"Will you be my friend?"
0:14:47 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:52It just looks odd. And we went on holiday...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54We went on holiday to Portugal,
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and this would have been about five years ago.
0:14:56 > 0:15:01My wife made the fatal mistake of talking to someone.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05Cos being British, we don't want to talk to anyone.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08We don't want to make friends with anyone. That's not what we do.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09And I left her five minutes.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12That's all I left her, five minutes on her own, by herself.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16When I come back, she was talking to another couple,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Brian from Dudley.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20LAUGHTER
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I said, "All right?" She said, "Oh, this is Brian and his wife, Janet.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26He went, "All right, I'm Brian from Dudley."
0:15:26 > 0:15:30First hour, fine, you don't mind having your sunbed next to someone.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33For the first hour, that's OK. Doesn't mean that you're friends.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Brian from Dudley assumed we were friends.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38When we got up the following day,
0:15:38 > 0:15:42he'd already reserved sunbeds next to each other.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44You're arriving there, he said,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46"It's all right, "I've got the sunbeds."
0:15:46 > 0:15:50By the third day, we're trying to avoid Brian from Dudley.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54By the fifth day, we're thinking of moving frigging hotels to get away
0:15:54 > 0:15:58from Brian from Dudley, because what happens when you're an adult,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00you come to the point where you're thinking,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03"You are getting on my frigging nerves!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05"But I don't know how to get rid of you."
0:16:05 > 0:16:06You can't get rid of friends, can you?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Obviously, we killed him in the end, but nobody needs to know.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11LAUGHTER
0:16:11 > 0:16:14And that's the same with work. That's the other thing.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17When you're at school, you can make choices,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20but when you get to work, you're given the people you work with
0:16:20 > 0:16:22and then you have "work friends".
0:16:22 > 0:16:24So you've got normal friends,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26which is like saying, "These are the people I pick.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30"There's my family, I've got no choice there. And then there's you lot.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"The ones that I'm also given, work friends."
0:16:33 > 0:16:39And I used to work in an industry where they liked to do team-building exercises.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Just give me a cheer in here if anyone's ever been on a team-building exercise?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:16:45 > 0:16:48What a pile of shite they are!
0:16:48 > 0:16:53We were on a team-building exercise. We actually went paintballing.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55The idea was that you would go paintballing
0:16:55 > 0:16:59and it would give teamwork and some natural leaders would emerge,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02and at the end of it we'd be bonded as a group.
0:17:02 > 0:17:07That didn't happen. All we found out was Michael from accounts was a frigging lunatic!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:12He shot a woman in the face when she was... Bang, bang, bang!
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"Go on, bitch!"
0:17:17 > 0:17:23But the other phase in your life as well is you get your mates that you're given to you from work
0:17:23 > 0:17:26and you get the mates that you've carried through with you,
0:17:26 > 0:17:32and then you get the other mates that every parent understands - the school-gates mates.
0:17:32 > 0:17:38Which are basically other parents. These aren't people you would pick.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42They're people that, cos your kids go to the same school as their kids,
0:17:42 > 0:17:43cos your kid's in their class,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47cos your kid is friends with their kid, they become your friends.
0:17:47 > 0:17:52The only thing that you've got in common is that you had sex in the same year!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Cos as an adult, you reach a point in your life where, really,
0:18:03 > 0:18:06if you were to look at your phone, you'd probably have five numbers.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08You'd probably have five friends.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12You would bulk it out, wouldn't you? You'd have curry houses and stuff like that,
0:18:12 > 0:18:16just to make yourself look popular. But the reality is, most adults now
0:18:16 > 0:18:21can count five people who are important, and then it all changed.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26Cos social networking arrived, and people needed to build things up.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Social networking has changed absolutely everything.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34And everyone's got a view about internet friends.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I'm very popular. I've got 600 friends on Facebook.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41900.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42They're not friends, are they?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45They're just invisible people you think you know and don't.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48But now I've culled them all because I don't know any of them.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Out of 3,000 friends, if I asked any of them to lend me a fiver,
0:18:51 > 0:18:52I don't think any of them would.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55If you get sick of someone...delete.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I think it's a pervert's paradise.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01It's full of lunatics, stalkers, weirdos...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Puerile and empty.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Like communism. It works in theory, but in practice, it doesn't.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09The most annoying thing about Facebook is definitely
0:19:09 > 0:19:10my mother being on there.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Cos she's always scanning for anything we're up to.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Any mischief we cause, she wants to know all the business.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18You can nose at people's lives without them knowing you're looking.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22She wants to know who's going out with who, what we've been up to...
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Can't ask people in real life,
0:19:23 > 0:19:26so do it on Facebook where they can't see you're looking.
0:19:26 > 0:19:27She is like a bloomin' spy.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Status updates...
0:19:29 > 0:19:33are the most mundane things possible.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36People want to tell me they're going to have a certain food to eat...
0:19:36 > 0:19:38'Eating cheese.'
0:19:38 > 0:19:39'I ate an apple.'
0:19:39 > 0:19:41..that they're going to the toilet...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42'I just had a shit.'
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Really? Do we care? No.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I don't want to know and I'm not interested.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48If I needed to know that, I would be your stalker.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I don't. I don't need to know.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54APPLAUSE
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Now just give me a cheer in here
0:19:59 > 0:20:03if you're on a social networking site.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05CHEERING
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Everyone does it!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Social networking, people do it, and it's gone mental now.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11It's actually took over, I think.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16It all began probably about 10 years ago with that Friends Reunited.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Remember that? It really took over.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20People were looking for schoolfriends,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and then a lot of people got in touch with each other.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27The reality is, nobody wants to get in touch with anyone.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29If you haven't spoke to someone since you left school,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31there's a reason for that.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34It's cos we didn't like you in the first place!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37But what happened with that Friends Reunited? It took off,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39and the reason it took off is because
0:20:39 > 0:20:42everybody got on to it for exactly the same reason -
0:20:42 > 0:20:46You got on to it because you wanted to look and find out
0:20:46 > 0:20:51if that girl who dumped you and that boy who was the star boy at school,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54you were just hoping to get on to find out that
0:20:54 > 0:20:56she'd become a fat munter and he was a bald bloke.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:01That's what you wanted. You wanted people to have failure.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04And that's what all this thing with the status updates is.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05It's just about bragging.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09You know what I mean? You'll go on and go, "Brian's having a bad day
0:21:09 > 0:21:13"cos he's got a flat tyre... on his Porsche."
0:21:13 > 0:21:14LAUGHTER
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Which is just a way of saying,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"My life's better than yours, knobhead."
0:21:18 > 0:21:21And one of my mates has worked that out,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24you know when they put all of these pictures up and they say,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26"Look, here's my birthday, here's my party,"
0:21:26 > 0:21:28and they put all of these photos up,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32he's done a photoshop of his 40th birthday party.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36He photoshopped his 40th birthday party. If you click on it,
0:21:36 > 0:21:41you'll see that at his 40th birthday party, he was having a brilliant time,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44having a drink with Kenny Dalglish and Nelson Mandela.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:50There's another thing on these social networking sites that's really took off.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55It's advertised more in London than anywhere else,
0:21:55 > 0:21:59and that might say a lot about London, where you can actually rent a friend.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03The site's called Rent A Friend. You can go on and rent a friend.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07And we were looking at it for the purposes of the show, to rent a friend.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12So I put in, you know, "I'm a bloke...looking for a bloke...
0:22:12 > 0:22:15"Who's into darts and stuff like that." So you can rent a friend.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19And this fellow come up, Greg, 56, into darts,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22likes talking about cars, £6.50 an hour.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26The way it works is you rent Greg, he meets you in the pub and you have a pint.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30I'm thinking, "What happens after the hour?" Does Greg go, "We're not friends any more"?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35So I started looking for a friend who might be a plumber
0:22:35 > 0:22:38cos I thought, "Well, if you're a mate and you come round...
0:22:40 > 0:22:43"£6.50's a lot cheaper than an emergency callout, isn't it?"
0:22:43 > 0:22:47APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:52But because of Twitter and these social networking sites,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55people now have a view of all the celebrities.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Some follow celebrities. They actually think that they're the friends of celebrities.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02And we've all got a celebrity that we want to be friends with.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09My celebrity friend, I think given the choice, would be Oscar Wilde.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Natalie Portman.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I'm not gay but I'd have a very good rapport with him.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It'd have to be Freddie Starr.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Good intellectual banter is what life's all about.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I think if I could be friends with any celebrity,
0:23:21 > 0:23:25it would be Gillian McKeith. Gillian? Julian? Gillian?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- I'd like Alan Rickman as a celebrity friend.- Yeah, he'd be cool.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31She's obsessed with stools and I like that.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34You'd re-enact scenes from Die Hard with him. Brilliant.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I would love to be Gordon Ramsay's friend.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- Jesus.- Yeah, he'd be good.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45Every time my boyfriend cooked, I'd get him to stand behind him and just scream obscene things to him
0:23:45 > 0:23:48just to make sure that the cooking gets better.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Gordon Ramsay would be a legend to have as a friend.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53My celebrity friend I'd like to meet is Cliff Richard.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Colin Farrell, cos he is sex on legs.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Wouldn't mind having a frothy coffee with Cliff any time.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Really hot. He's hot.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07I'd like to be celebrity friends with the Cadbury's Caramel rabbit,
0:24:07 > 0:24:10who I've always had a thing about.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12With Megan Fox.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Me and Megan could do loads of stuff together.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18We could get our bikini lines done, matching nipple piercings.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23If she's having a bad day, she's upset, crying, I've got broad shoulders. She can cry on mine.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27And if one thing leads to another and she wants a kiss and a cuddle...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29You know, who am I to say no?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Then I'd bash her back door in!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45What I love about that is, he's talking and he looked down,
0:24:45 > 0:24:46looked at his cock and thought,
0:24:46 > 0:24:49"Yeah, then I'd bash her back door in."
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Cos everyone's got this view of celebrity friends
0:24:54 > 0:24:56and of what it'd be like to go out with celebrities.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59My life, without any shadow of a doubt,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01has changed in the last year or so.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04The last 18 months has been mental. And it kicked off...
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Round about last February I got asked to do a show,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09and on this I'd work with famous people.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13They were the first celebrities I'd be with on a regular basis.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16So I'm there, I'm doing this show with famous people,
0:25:16 > 0:25:20and then you had to do this show over a couple of days. We were staying over.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23James Corden comes up and said, "Listen, we've all got to stay over.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"We're going for a drink tonight. Do you want to come?"
0:25:26 > 0:25:31I thought, "Well, that's that lad off Gavin and Stacey asking me for a drink."
0:25:31 > 0:25:36I said, "I normally play darts with my mates on Tuesday but I'd love to come, Smithy."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38BOTH: Oh...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:44He said, "Brilliant, cos tonight it's the Brits."
0:25:44 > 0:25:47I'm like every man in this room in his 40s.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I wasn't that sure I knew what the Brits was.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53But I didn't want to look like a knobhead in front of my new mate.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57So I went, "Oh, yeah, but to be honest, when we're not playing darts, me and the lads, Brits.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02"Yeah, we're always there. We're always Britting at our end. I'm well up for Brits."
0:26:02 > 0:26:07He said, "Good. If we're going to go to the Brits I'll phone Robbie, we'll go to his party."
0:26:07 > 0:26:12I said, "If we're going to go to a party, let's stop at an off-licence on the way."
0:26:12 > 0:26:18He said, "What are you on about? It's not going to be in his house. It's going to be in a nightclub."
0:26:18 > 0:26:20He said, "Do you KNOW Robbie?"
0:26:20 > 0:26:22And I went...
0:26:24 > 0:26:27"I know some Robbies."
0:26:27 > 0:26:31He said, "Robbie Williams." I went, "Oh, Bob!"
0:26:31 > 0:26:38Ten minutes later, I was sat in a car with James Corden and Freddie Flintoff.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I'm trying to act all cool, like I do this all the time,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45when really what I want to do is phone my mates up and go, "Guess where I am!"
0:26:47 > 0:26:49I couldn't tell you how excited I was.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53I'm bound to be excited, I was going to a nightclub.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56It'd been a very long time since I'd been to a nightclub.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00I was in the car thinking, "Are they going to let me in in jeans?"
0:27:00 > 0:27:04The last nightclub I went to, I wore a thin leather tie
0:27:04 > 0:27:06with piano fingers on it.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11We pull up outside this nightclub, we get out the car.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13We're walking to the door of the nightclub,
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I notice there's a little bank of photographers.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18As we're walking in, they start shouting,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20"James! Freddie!"
0:27:21 > 0:27:27"James! Freddie!" No-one's shouting my name, no-one's got a frigging clue who I am.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32All of a sudden, James Corden and Freddie Flintoff stop to get their photograph taken.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33The bulbs start flashing.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37My new mates have stopped to be photographed.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44So I just thought, "Well, if my mates are getting photographed..."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I could see the photographers go, "Who the bleeding hell's that?"
0:27:51 > 0:27:55But they carried on, took the photographs, we went into the party.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59I've got to be honest, we went into the nightclub - a bit too loud.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Far too loud, no reason for it to be that loud.
0:28:01 > 0:28:02It was ridiculous.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05You could hardly hear yourself speak, it was stupid.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10I didn't want to be out late anyway, to be honest, cos I was halfway through a really good book.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Also, Robbie Williams wasn't there.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Robbie Williams didn't go to his own Brits aftershow party,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20which I was absolutely gutted about cos I'd spent all night
0:28:20 > 0:28:24walking round with a bottle of beer in my hand in case I bumped into him
0:28:24 > 0:28:27so I could say, "All right, Robbie, do us a favour, mate, take that."
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Not the best joke in the world,
0:28:35 > 0:28:39but there's only five people on the planet you can try it with.
0:28:39 > 0:28:40So he wasn't there, I went home.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I was in my bed the following morning in the hotel.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45One of me mates phoned up, me originals.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49He phoned up, he said, "I'm just phoning to let you know
0:28:49 > 0:28:54"we got battered at darts last night cos we were a player down."
0:28:54 > 0:28:56I said, "Look, I'm really sorry, I was working."
0:28:56 > 0:28:58He said, "Oh, were you?
0:28:58 > 0:29:00"Are you sure you were working?
0:29:00 > 0:29:03"Are you sure you weren't at some showbiz bash
0:29:03 > 0:29:05"with your new showbiz mates?"
0:29:05 > 0:29:08I said, "No, mate, I was working." He said, "Were you?"
0:29:08 > 0:29:12He said, "Get out of bed, have a look at the Sky News website.
0:29:12 > 0:29:14"Look in the showbiz section.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19"Look at the Brits aftershow party."
0:29:19 > 0:29:21I said, "Look, I can explain."
0:29:21 > 0:29:24He said, "You've changed."
0:29:26 > 0:29:29I got out of bed, I had a look at the Sky News website.
0:29:29 > 0:29:31I looked in the showbiz section.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33I looked at the Brits aftershow party.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35There was 42 photographs.
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Photograph number 39 was a picture of me, James Corden and Freddie Flintoff
0:29:39 > 0:29:42walking into the Robbie Williams Brits aftershow party.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44Next to it was a caption that read,
0:29:44 > 0:29:47"An unlikely trio, James Corden and Freddie Flintoff
0:29:47 > 0:29:51"arrived at the Robbie Williams Brits after-show party
0:29:51 > 0:29:54"with Bez from The Happy Mondays."
0:30:03 > 0:30:07And you know the worst thing about that is Bez would have woken up and gone,
0:30:09 > 0:30:12"Frigging hell, man, I didn't know I went."
0:30:15 > 0:30:17That was in February.
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Last May, if you remember, people out there might know,
0:30:20 > 0:30:25the Manchester 10K was on. I entered the Manchester 10K. I do it every year with my mates.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28There are six of us enter every year for a little charity.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31We've been doing it for about five or six years.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34I'm with my mates, about to run the Manchester 10K.
0:30:34 > 0:30:35And as we're stood there,
0:30:35 > 0:30:38we've all got our numbers on, we've all got our shorts on.
0:30:38 > 0:30:43One of the stewards comes up to me, "Are you that lad off the telly?"
0:30:43 > 0:30:46I said, "I might be. Which lad do you mean?"
0:30:46 > 0:30:48He said, "You are, aren't you?
0:30:48 > 0:30:52"What are you doing here?" I went...
0:30:52 > 0:30:55"I was thinking of running the race, to be honest."
0:30:55 > 0:30:58He said, "No, what are you doing back here?"
0:30:58 > 0:31:03I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "Why aren't you at the front in the VIP section?"
0:31:03 > 0:31:05The VIP section!
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?
0:31:08 > 0:31:11A VIP section for a 10K race.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14I said, "Look, mate, what's the point of that?
0:31:14 > 0:31:19"Unless, in the VIP section, they give you a horse to go round on, I can see any point in it."
0:31:19 > 0:31:23He said, "No, if you come to the VIP section you get to meet
0:31:23 > 0:31:27"the person who's starting the race, the celebrity starter."
0:31:27 > 0:31:29I said, "Who's the celebrity starter?"
0:31:29 > 0:31:32He said, "It's Bez from The Happy Mondays."
0:31:33 > 0:31:37He said, "Do you want to meet Bez from The Happy Mondays?"
0:31:37 > 0:31:41I said, "Too right, I'd like to meet Bez from The Happy Mondays."
0:31:41 > 0:31:47"Bez has had the best drugs money can buy for the last 20 years.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50"I have been married for the last 18 years.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54"Apparently the effect is exactly the same."
0:31:58 > 0:32:01And the other thing that comes up as you get older
0:32:01 > 0:32:04is whether you can have friends of the opposite sex.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07And everyone's got a view on platonic relationships.
0:32:11 > 0:32:14Yeah, I think men and women can be totally good friends.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17No, I don't think a man and a woman can be best friends at all.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Yes, men and women can be friends without a problem.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22Very rarely. Very rarely.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25Women friends? I've probably got a couple.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29But they're normally girls that you don't actually find attractive.
0:32:29 > 0:32:30You can't say that!
0:32:30 > 0:32:34Sometimes, if the girl is really pretty, like really, really pretty,
0:32:34 > 0:32:35like double D and tiny waist,
0:32:35 > 0:32:38I get a little bit narked off with that.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40If you've got stunningly gorgeous friends,
0:32:40 > 0:32:43then it probably can get sexy quite easily.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44Especially for the girls on it,
0:32:44 > 0:32:47they're going to bang it and that's it.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49I don't think it's a bad thing to get sexy with your friends.
0:32:49 > 0:32:52You might as well spice things up, surely.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54My parents used to always say to me,
0:32:54 > 0:32:58"Chantel, you know you and that man can't be friends, you know."
0:32:58 > 0:33:01That's my Jamaican accent!
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Men and women can't be friends cos of sexual chemistry.
0:33:04 > 0:33:07I know lots and lots of girls who I definitely want to go to bed with,
0:33:07 > 0:33:09but keep them at arm's length to be friends.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12"We're just friends." I fancy the arse off you.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15You'll have somebody crying on your shoulder giving you a hug in a nightie.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18"My boyfriend's just finished with me."
0:33:18 > 0:33:20And I'm going, "Hmm, bedtime!"
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Yes, I do think males and females can be friends.
0:33:22 > 0:33:26I mean, I think that a married man can have lots of girlfriends
0:33:26 > 0:33:29and a married woman can have lots of boyfriends.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Or male friends.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35- If you and I weren't married, could we be best friends?- No.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Cos there's far too much sexual chemistry between us.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44But we're not even friends now and we're married!
0:33:50 > 0:33:54But I find it difficult, I've got to be honest, to have female friends.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57I'm not really comfortable having friends...
0:33:57 > 0:33:59who have breasts. That's basically it.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Apart from Big Dave, obviously. Nobody minds that.
0:34:02 > 0:34:06And the reason is that men and women are different. We communicate different.
0:34:06 > 0:34:10For a start, you talk too much. You've got too much to say.
0:34:10 > 0:34:16My missus will phone her friends up as she's getting ready to go out with her friends.
0:34:16 > 0:34:22And she'll be talking to her friends in the car while they're in the taxi on the way to the house.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26And she'll still be talking to them when they ring the frigging doorbell
0:34:26 > 0:34:29to come into the house so they can go out to have a chat together.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32That's ridiculous! Men don't do that.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35We just look at each other and go, "You're OK."
0:34:35 > 0:34:38"You're still alive, still alive. Do you want a pint?" That'll do.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40That's all we want. And the thing is,
0:34:40 > 0:34:45it's because women, you've got a community about you, a communal sense.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48You look after each other and you will go out in packs.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51Gaggles, really. That's what you do. That's what it's like.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55You get a lot of women going out, that's the sound. Gaggle, gaggle, gaggle.
0:34:55 > 0:34:59You are. You are community animals. And you will look after each other.
0:34:59 > 0:35:01Men haven't got that opportunity.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Women can just go somewhere and make a party by themselves.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08As long as women have got something to dance around, you've got a party.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11I've never seen a group of lads say,
0:35:11 > 0:35:13"Hey, Ron. Get your coat off, come on, let's give it a go."
0:35:16 > 0:35:19But there's always going to be a challenge when you're trying
0:35:19 > 0:35:22to understand the difference between men and women.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Men when they go out in the evening chat about
0:35:29 > 0:35:31the important things in life - hunting, shooting, fishing...
0:35:31 > 0:35:34How they want to get into someone else's knickers...
0:35:34 > 0:35:35Tits, bums, arse.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Wine, women and food.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39And football. Football. Very important.
0:35:39 > 0:35:46When men get together, they basically say things in short, concise terms.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48They all ball-cup and back-slap, don't they?
0:35:48 > 0:35:50Some people call it grunting.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51HE GRUNTS
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Look at her. She's all right, isn't she?
0:35:53 > 0:35:57- All right, mate?- Want a drink, John? Yeah. Right. Fine. That's it. Yeah.
0:35:57 > 0:36:00You have a pint and you go to the football. That's your friendship.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04I try to never be in a situation of just men. I don't like it.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05If you've got a massive group of lads
0:36:05 > 0:36:08and one girl who's relatively fit comes along...
0:36:08 > 0:36:10Everyone attacks each other, trying to impress her.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13It really is. You could have David Attenborough narrate it.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17'The males are getting backed up because of the attractive...
0:36:17 > 0:36:20'well, semi-attractive female.'
0:36:20 > 0:36:23There's nothing more horrible than big groups of men,
0:36:23 > 0:36:25apart from big groups of women.
0:36:25 > 0:36:26Women can't sort out a problem
0:36:26 > 0:36:29until they first of all find out whose fault it is.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33I suspect that when girls are together -
0:36:33 > 0:36:34correct me if I'm wrong -
0:36:34 > 0:36:36but they talk about kittens...
0:36:36 > 0:36:37Who's got the best bonzer...
0:36:37 > 0:36:38..spools of wool...
0:36:38 > 0:36:40..the best hair extensions...
0:36:40 > 0:36:41..flowers, maybe...
0:36:41 > 0:36:42Does my bum look big in this?
0:36:42 > 0:36:44..and probably cock.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47That's just my theory.
0:37:39 > 0:37:43Having a little wrestle, see what happens.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46And the reason for that is because you are so together.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Girls are together. You have friends...
0:37:49 > 0:37:54You go out with women, you synchronise your weeing.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56You will go to the toilet together,
0:37:56 > 0:37:59you will sit there and go, "Jane, do you want to go to the toilet?"
0:37:59 > 0:38:02"OK, yeah, let's go to the toilet together."
0:38:02 > 0:38:03I've never said to one of my mates,
0:38:03 > 0:38:07"All right, Gary, do you want a shit? I want a shit."
0:38:07 > 0:38:09How does that happen?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12It's because you spend time together.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14You go shopping together.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16You're interested in each other.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18You'll go shopping together, talk about the clothes,
0:38:18 > 0:38:22you'll even shop together and then share clothes.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25You will share your clothes.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28My wife has her friends phone up saying, "Can I borrow that dress?,
0:38:28 > 0:38:31or she phones them going, "Can I borrow that dress?"
0:38:31 > 0:38:33I've never phoned one of my mates and said,
0:38:33 > 0:38:36"Gary, lovely shirt, can I wear it next week?"
0:38:38 > 0:38:40The time that I start doing that is the time I know
0:38:40 > 0:38:43I've been spending too much time in London.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46APPLAUSE
0:38:46 > 0:38:49The reality is men and women will always be different,
0:38:49 > 0:38:53and the truth is, if we are being honest, boys will always be boys.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01One of my mates has got a video of me.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04The behaviour of my mates is boisterous.
0:39:04 > 0:39:09These lads persuaded me to climb into a bath with a dress on,
0:39:09 > 0:39:13and eat a Cadbury's Flake as seductively as I possibly could.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17At my wedding my mate Lee, there was like a staircase and a chandelier,
0:39:17 > 0:39:19and I had to talk him down from swinging across.
0:39:19 > 0:39:24They told me they were doing a project on advertising or something,
0:39:24 > 0:39:27but I was never quite sure whether that was true or not.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29That's what being mates is about,
0:39:29 > 0:39:31doing stupid things in front of each other,
0:39:31 > 0:39:33and using it for evil at a later date.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Men can have jokey relationships, they play pranks on each other,
0:39:36 > 0:39:38cos it's just how they bond.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40My mate Ed, we call him Ed the Duck,
0:39:40 > 0:39:44we give him a drink, but there might have been a Viagra in there,
0:39:44 > 0:39:46we're not quite sure how it got in there.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49They have a different sense of humour to women.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51He drunk it and we all took the mick out of him saying,
0:39:51 > 0:39:54"Ha, ha, you had Viagra!" "No I haven't, I'll prove it.
0:39:54 > 0:39:57"I have not got a hard-on." So he stands up, like that,
0:39:57 > 0:40:00whips his Thunderbirds outfit off,
0:40:00 > 0:40:02gets his tool out and goes,
0:40:02 > 0:40:05"There you are, proved it, I've not had Viagra."
0:40:15 > 0:40:19If there's any way of proving the difference between men and women,
0:40:19 > 0:40:23it is the fact men are quite happy to sit with other men and point at their genitals.
0:40:23 > 0:40:24I've never known any women
0:40:24 > 0:40:29stand up and go, "Hey, look at my fanny! Look at my fanny!
0:40:29 > 0:40:32"Look at that, hey, it's massive!"
0:40:33 > 0:40:36But the thing is that as well, if you always invest
0:40:36 > 0:40:38something in your mates,
0:40:38 > 0:40:40and I had a situation about 10 years ago.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42One of my mates went off to the Australia.
0:40:42 > 0:40:46I invested part of my life in him, I thought he was going to go off to Australia,
0:40:46 > 0:40:53have an adventure, and by, sort of, osmosis, I'm going to learn from his adventure.
0:40:53 > 0:40:58He was going to a Australia to have some time off, to have a year out travelling.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01I thought he was going to come back all bronzed and tanned. He came back,
0:41:01 > 0:41:04I was full of anticipation going to the pub
0:41:04 > 0:41:06to see my mate who I hadn't seen for 12 months.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09I was expecting to see a surf dude.
0:41:09 > 0:41:13He came back, his eyes looked black, hollow, it's like he'd been in a war zone.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15I said, "what's wrong?"
0:41:15 > 0:41:18He said, "I am never going to Australia again."
0:41:18 > 0:41:19I said, "Why?"
0:41:19 > 0:41:22He said, "I've just seen Australian culture for what it is."
0:41:22 > 0:41:24He said, "I'm never going back."
0:41:24 > 0:41:25I said, "What happened?"
0:41:25 > 0:41:29He said, "I spent the last five months travelling in the Northern Territories.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32"I got a job as a sheep shearer.
0:41:32 > 0:41:37"At the end of the sheep-shearing season all the sheep shearers get together,
0:41:37 > 0:41:40"700 miles north of Alice Springs,
0:41:40 > 0:41:41"and they all get drunk.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44"They have a big sheep shearers' piss-up.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46"They have a stage, and on that stage they have
0:41:46 > 0:41:50"The Most Disgusting Thing You Can Do On A Stage Competition."
0:41:50 > 0:41:54He said, "I was there with 400 sheep shearers when a man walked in,
0:41:54 > 0:41:57"naked, with a sheep.
0:41:59 > 0:42:03"And proceeded to have sex with the sheep
0:42:03 > 0:42:06"on the stage.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08"And came third."
0:42:11 > 0:42:13How disappointed would you be?
0:42:13 > 0:42:16You'd be walking off the stage
0:42:16 > 0:42:17looking at that sheep going,
0:42:17 > 0:42:21"We could have won this if you'd have put some effort in."
0:42:21 > 0:42:23So, ladies and gentlemen, that was friends,
0:42:23 > 0:42:26and tonight I've learned that there's no greater fun than going,
0:42:26 > 0:42:29"Yee-ee-en."
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Husbands and wives can't be friends,
0:42:31 > 0:42:35and you should never go to a party with a sheep shearer.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Thank you, goodnight and God bless.
0:42:37 > 0:42:39APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd