0:00:20 > 0:00:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Thank you! Thank you.
0:00:37 > 0:00:43Good evening and welcome to John Bishop's Britain. Tonight's show is about being British.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Now, Britain used to be the major power in the world.
0:00:46 > 0:00:52At one point, we actually controlled 25% of the known world.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Now we take our victories whenever we can.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00The biggest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe, in-your-face!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Stick that up your arse, Germany!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Those people familiar with the show know that the way we do it,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10we go and interview hundreds of people for their views.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12These are the people in the show.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You'd never get an empire with them, would you?
0:01:14 > 0:01:17This is a taster of what they had to say.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- Doom and gloom. - I want a wee vodka.
0:01:19 > 0:01:24- You put that there! - Garlic-munching surrender monkeys. - Bangers and mash.- Off-putting.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Slightly more highbrow. HE SPEAKS NONSENSE WELSH
0:01:27 > 0:01:29SHE SPEAKS WELSH. HE SPEAKS GOBBLEDEGOOK.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30How are you?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32How be, my boy?
0:01:32 > 0:01:33I would cut it off about there.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39There'll be more of them later. Now for me, one of the things that stands out about being British
0:01:39 > 0:01:43is the fact we're obsessed with things that aren't really that important.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47The main thing that dominates British culture is the weather.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50We're continually obsessed with the weather.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54And the reality is, our weather's crap.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59Our weather is either damp-wet or damp-sunny. It's just damp.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04In America, when they have bad weather, people die.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08They have proper hurricanes and people die.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12They have tornadoes that rip whole towns up and people are never seen again.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16We had an earthquake in Birmingham.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Birmingham!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22It measured four on the Richter scale,
0:02:22 > 0:02:26which basically means four fat blokes jumped at the same time.
0:02:28 > 0:02:34But the reality is we all have a view about what it is to be British.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41What defines Britain is fish and chips.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Fish and chips. - Fish and chips or a curry.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Vindaloos. - Meat stew with dumplings.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- Bangers and mash. - A Sunday roast on a Sunday.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Traditional roast beef dinner. Can't go far wrong with that.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54The British are famous for getting drunk.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55They love a lot of alcohol.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Gin and tonic.- A pint of beer.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Sambuca! - SHE LAUGHS
0:02:59 > 0:03:00And whisky, of course.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04British people love orange juice and apple juice.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Sometimes they don't even drink it but they say,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09"Oh, can I have orange or apple juice?"
0:03:09 > 0:03:12You can't get a cup of tea like you can get in Great Britain.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14It's always tea for England.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18They don't boil the water abroad. How often do I say, "This tea's stone-cold?"
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I don't care. I don't drink tea.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Britain as a whole is very good
0:03:22 > 0:03:24at celebrating a good loser.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28The fear of winning is definitely part of British mentality.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Second's great for us, it's like our new first.
0:03:30 > 0:03:36"Gold? Couldn't take that. Far too... No, I'll take silver. I'm fine with silver."
0:03:36 > 0:03:39We have this reputation of standing up for the underdog.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41That's got us into two world wars, hasn't it?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Queuing is very British.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Eating lots of Marmite.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Deep-fried Mars bars.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Spending a lot of time in red phone boxes.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52We've got more tattoos than people and more bald men.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Foot and mouth.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56We're far nicer than anybody else.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06There is something so quintessentially British about that.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10A husband and wife sat there with him thinking, "Just shut up, love!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:15The first time that I recognised Britishness
0:04:15 > 0:04:19when it came to show business was just over a year ago.
0:04:19 > 0:04:24I got a phone call, and it was to go on the Jonathan Ross show.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27And at that point, it was the biggest show on British telly.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And obviously, being a British person,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31I didn't think I had been invited on it
0:04:31 > 0:04:33because I deserved to go on it,
0:04:33 > 0:04:38I thought they must have invited me because there has been a plane crash of celebrities.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43And it is now a toss-up between me and the man off the Cillit Bang advert.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44But my agent said,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"No, they definitely want you to go on this show."
0:04:46 > 0:04:49So I went to go down to go on the show, and the only problem
0:04:49 > 0:04:52with going on the show is that I was on tour at the time.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55So it meant another three days away from home.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59So what I did was what most British dads do when you are working away from home,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03I phoned home a lot to compensate for not being there.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05That is what you do when you are working away.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09You always phone home to compensate for not being there.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11The problem is you end up overcompensating,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13because you phone home too often.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18Which inevitably means you phone home at just the wrong time.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Someone somewhere needs to invent a device
0:05:21 > 0:05:23whereby if you phone home at the wrong time,
0:05:23 > 0:05:27there's a voice that the other end that says, "Look, mate, if I was you...
0:05:27 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:32"..I'd leave it for ten minutes.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35""There's murder in your kitchen right now."
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I am about to go into the Jonathan Ross show,
0:05:38 > 0:05:42the biggest show on telly, and obviously I'm a bit nervous.
0:05:42 > 0:05:47I thought I'd phone home, I'll share the moment. I said, "Hi, love. How's it going?"
0:05:48 > 0:05:50She said "How's it going?! I'll tell you!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"You're down there with your Jonathan Ross and your fancy pants.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"I am running around all over the place.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58"I've got three kids that need to be in three different places.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01"Two of them had detention tonight. One of them hasn't done their homework.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04"Do you know why? Because you haven't done their homework.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"One of them is watching the football."
0:06:06 > 0:06:07I know, by the way, when I am doing this,
0:06:07 > 0:06:11a lot of blokes in here think I have been phoning their wife. I haven't.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20It is just the same phone call we all have everyday.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24It needs to be one central phone number that we can all ring at seven o'clock.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26And just get shouted at.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Because I am away so often, we've developed a system in our house,
0:06:30 > 0:06:34whereby I can still tell the kids off even though I am 200 miles away.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38"Right?! Get them on the phone now. Get them on the phone now.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"Get them there. Get them all there. Are they all there?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44"Get them all there. Are they all there? Right. Right.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48"Give it to the first one." She gives them the phone.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"You! Stop what you are doing. Look sad. Pass it on."
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I'm screaming at the kids.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04The producer of the Jonathan Ross show says, "You've got to come in!
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"You've got to come into the Jonathan Ross..." This is it.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I am going to walk in to the Jonathan Ross show
0:07:11 > 0:07:13and that Britishness takes over.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16You think, I'm going to walk in and everyone is going to think, "I'm a knob."
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Because British people never feel that they belong unless we've invaded the place.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I am stood there thinking, "Everyone thinks that I'm a knob,
0:07:23 > 0:07:25and I thought, "No, relax. Just relax.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"You've been invited on. You haven't gate-crashed.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32"You've been invited on. Be cool. Just be cool. Walk in and be cool."
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I thought, "I'll just be cool." Which is hard for a British person to do,
0:07:35 > 0:07:36but I thought, "I'll be cool.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"I'm going to be cool."
0:07:38 > 0:07:43I walked into the Jonathan Ross green room. As I walked in, Westlife were sat there.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48And I went,
0:07:48 > 0:07:49"That's Westlife!
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"My missus loves your stuff! Loves your stuff!"
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Westlife sat there.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Courtney Love was sat there!
0:08:01 > 0:08:06So I am just there, doing what you do when you are British and you are somewhere where you don't belong,
0:08:06 > 0:08:07I'm eating all the crisps.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11I thought, "They're free. I'm having all the crisps because they're free."
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I am saying to Westlife, "Have a Twiglet!"
0:08:16 > 0:08:21I am sat there, when all of a sudden, Jonathan Ross arrives with the A-lister.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24When you arrive, you do not know who the A-lister is going to be.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27The A-lister on the show that I was on was Jeff Bridges.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29The Hollywood actor Jeff Bridges.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I'm like that.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I just looked at Jeff Bridges.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36All of the crisps fell out my mouth.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I could see Jeff Bridges looking at me. In his eyes,
0:08:41 > 0:08:45I could see that he thought I was Westlife's dad.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49And Jonathan Ross is dead gracious.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52He brings him in and introduces him to everyone.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55He says, "Jeff, these are the other guests on the show.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56"This is Courtney love."
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Jeff Bridges is dead cool. Like Americans are.
0:08:59 > 0:09:05Just dead cool. He said "Yeah, we've met before. Hi, Courtney."
0:09:05 > 0:09:06She went...
0:09:10 > 0:09:11"Hi, Jeff!"
0:09:11 > 0:09:14and then he comes along to Westlife, and they are Irish,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17so they're cool. They're friendly with everyone, the Irish.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21And Jonathan Ross says, "Jeff, this is the boy band Westlife."
0:09:21 > 0:09:23And Jeff Bridges just looks at them and went...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"I love your stuff, guys. I love your stuff."
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I'm just sat there going, "It's Jeff Bridges!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"What am I going to say to Jeff Bridges?!"
0:09:35 > 0:09:40He comes along, and Jonathan Ross says, "Jeff, this is John Bishop.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"He is a comedian from Liverpool."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45And I just went, "All right, Jeff."
0:09:46 > 0:09:50And then Jeff Bridges just sat next to me, lowered himself next to me...
0:09:50 > 0:09:55I was thinking, "He's sat next to me!" He just sat down.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00All of a sudden, as a British person, you just think, "I don't know what to do."
0:10:00 > 0:10:05But Jeff Bridges, being American, who is dead cool, he went, "So, you're from Liverpool, huh?"
0:10:05 > 0:10:07And I went, "Er...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11"Yeah, Jeff, yeah, yeah, Liverpool, yeah."
0:10:11 > 0:10:16He said, "You know, my granddaddy was from Liverpool."
0:10:16 > 0:10:19I went, "Oh...
0:10:21 > 0:10:22"So was mine, Jeff!"
0:10:25 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:32 > 0:10:36And you know when you feel a whole room full of people look at you
0:10:36 > 0:10:38and think, "Who's the knob?"
0:10:40 > 0:10:45That is the good thing about being British. We have a degree of modesty about ourselves.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48But one thing that we are all proud of is where we're from.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49It's our home towns.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59- Bolton...- Is our home town. - And it's incredible.- I love Bolton.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I grew up in Wimbledon.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Belfast, born and bred.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Leafy suburbia in London.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08The people are so friendly...
0:11:08 > 0:11:11And it is really nice and safe...
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- And appealing...- And boring.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14I grew up in Slough.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- Peckham. Deepest, darkest southeast London.- Which was like The Bronx.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22No frills, no spills. If it moves, you eat it, if it stays still, you nick it.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24The worst thing about it is it smells.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28My hometown of Portsmouth is pretty rough in places.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30They used to be a nightclub there called Joanna's.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34The problem with Jersey is that it is quite small.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38It is the only nightclub where I have actually seen someone poo on a dance floor.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41So everybody knows everyone else's business.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45The guy just dropped his trousers, pooed, pulled them back up and carried on dancing.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47My home town's claim to fame?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Probably me!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Whitechapel would be famous for Jack the Ripper.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Peckham is mostly famous for Del Boy.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- We have a statue of Fred Dibnah in our town centre!- I don't like...
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"Who's Fred Dibnah?" you might ask. Exactly. Who is Fred Dibnah?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05What is Wolverhampton famous for?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- We used to have statues of... - Lord Byron.- Benjamin Disraeli.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13But no, they'll rip those down, and put Fred Dibnah up.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I can't think of anything!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27We've got this rivalry as well, where we just have a go at each other all the time.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29It goes too far at times.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32There is a place in the lakes called Whitehaven.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I don't know if anyone knows Whitehaven.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Whitehaven have got a rivalry with another place called Workington.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40We were looking at the researches into local rivalries,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42and this one just stood out to me,
0:12:42 > 0:12:47because if you are from Whitehaven, and you want to insult someone from Workington,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49you call them a jam-eater.
0:12:52 > 0:12:58But if you are from Workington and you want to insult someone from Whitehaven,
0:12:58 > 0:13:00you call them a jam-eater.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07And it goes back to the days when they had the mines,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09and if you had jam on your butty, you had no money,
0:13:09 > 0:13:11so they called each other a jam-eater.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15That's their rivalry. Saying, "You're a jam-eater!" "No, you're a jam-eater!"
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I'm thinking, "Does no-one up there know the word "twat"?"
0:13:30 > 0:13:34One of the reasons that we are so antagonistic towards each other as British people,
0:13:34 > 0:13:38and one town has a go at another town is because of football.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40And I married a girl from Manchester
0:13:40 > 0:13:44because I wanted to spread the Scouse gene as far as I could.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49And we were sat in the house watching the football,
0:13:49 > 0:13:54and I was trying to explain why Liverpool and Man United
0:13:54 > 0:13:58always have this antagonism towards each other, and she said, "What is it?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02"It is it because of the players? Is it the players?" I said, yeah.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05It is. There is a local rivalry because of their players.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09She said, "What do you mean?" I said, our Spanish winger has just gone down the wing.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Their Mexican's come flying in. The Brazilian came up to him.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15As he went up to him, the Portuguese had a go,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17and the Dutch lad booked for it.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20It's bang out of order, because of that Portuguese, Brazilian, Spanish...
0:14:20 > 0:14:23SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Just stupid, isn't it?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28But we do have rivalries, and they come out sometimes
0:14:28 > 0:14:31in the fact that you always think your town is slightly better,
0:14:31 > 0:14:32and sometimes, that is the case.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Sometimes there are differences, but I was on tour recently,
0:14:35 > 0:14:36and we went to Preston.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39I did a gig in a venue in Preston. Couldn't find the venue.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41We phoned the fella who was running the gig,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45and we couldn't get through to him, couldn't get through to the box office.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47We were completely lost.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52So we did this thing that I know some people under 25 won't get this.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Because you all understand what I am about to say.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59We were in a car, the sat nav was sending us the wrong way,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01so we used our initiative.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04We did this mad, crazy thing.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07We stopped the car,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10we wound the window down,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13and we spoke to someone we didn't know,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17not even a friend on Facebook, never met them before...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21..and we asked them the way.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24And their answer was brilliant, he said,
0:15:24 > 0:15:29"All you have got to do is follow the signs for the Tourist Information Centre."
0:15:29 > 0:15:32The Tourist Information Centre in Preston.
0:15:32 > 0:15:38That has got to be the most optimistic road sign in the world.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42What is that? Preston Tourist Information Centre?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45There must be one man sat there in a shed going,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47"Aye, lad. Blackpool is that way."
0:15:54 > 0:15:57As well as there being rivalry between towns and cities,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00the big thing is that always causes arguments in this country
0:16:00 > 0:16:02is where is it best to live?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04In the town or the country?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11People in villages and the country are friendlier.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14In the city, you're normal, and you grow up.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19What can you do in a village? Cream teas on a Sunday afternoon? Boring.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21In the country, you take an old pill,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25you turn grey and walk down the street like a zombie.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28You walk along the street in the city and get bulldozed out of the way,
0:16:28 > 0:16:31unless you're my size and everyone gets out of your way,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33generally cos I smell.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35In the countryside, people are more open and friendly.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38But everyone knows everyone's business.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41They always think they're so unique and different,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43but they're the same when you look at 'em.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47These townies that come to the country think they can drink.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51But a couple of pints of scrumpy cider, and they're on their back.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54I wouldn't like to live in London because it's crowded.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56It's dense, congested.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Too many people.- Too fast, too noisy.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03There are parts of London that just need a good flush-out.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Quite mucky in places.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07It's like constipation.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11You can't be in a rush in a village. You have to go with the flow.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Buses in the city have two decks.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17We only have little ones, single-decker buses.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I know you think you're lucky living in London,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22but I feel sorry for you, really.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29After spending a bit more time in the countryside,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32if you've always grown up in towns and cities,
0:17:32 > 0:17:33it's quite a scary place.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Everyone thinks it's friendly. It's not.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It's scary, cos you're not used to people being friendly.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44And the worst people for scaring you are ramblers.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49If you've ever had a walk and had those enthusiastic people,
0:17:49 > 0:17:53there's always an old bloke and a woman who looks like she spends most of her time
0:17:53 > 0:17:56baking cakes or just being a lesbian.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Romping along. I took my kids on a walk in the country, and... "Good morning!"
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I went "Bloody hell!"
0:18:07 > 0:18:11The kids were going, "They're talking to us!" and I said, "Don't look at them!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"It could be a trap!"
0:18:14 > 0:18:17But also, your psychology changes as well.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I did a gig in Sheffield about a year ago.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21I was driving past,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25and there's a road between Sheffield and the rest of Britain.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29It's a road, and it's called the Snake Pass, because it's snaky.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30And most of the year,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34you can't pass it because you can't overtake anything.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37If it snows, you can't get on it. I was driving back from this gig.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40It was late at night. I was the only one on the Snake Pass.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Pitch darkness, not a house for miles, not a street light for miles.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46EXPLOSION, CAT YOWLS
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I looked up.
0:18:51 > 0:18:56I could see the stars in the sky, a full sky of stars twinkling down.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Little stars breaking through the blackness.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I thought, "That's wonderful". So I pulled the car over.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07I thought "I'm going to enjoy this. I'll savour this moment, one man alone in the blackness.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09"Looking at the stars."
0:19:09 > 0:19:14I turned the lights off, turned the radio off, turned the engine off.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19Got out of the car. I walked four yards away from the car.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23I looked around at all the blackness...
0:19:23 > 0:19:26and shit myself.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I couldn't wait to get back in the car!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Cos in my head,
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I'm thinking, "I know I've parked close to that mad axeman."
0:19:36 > 0:19:39You can't help that. In a city, if someone's pissed
0:19:39 > 0:19:43and coming at you with a bottle, you think, "I know what's going on here."
0:19:43 > 0:19:46But in the countryside, you know they'd do anything out there.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52It's also true as well, as a comedian,
0:19:52 > 0:19:56you read all the surveys about how tough comedy is in different cities.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You get Liverpool listed as a rough city to do.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Glasgow is a rough city to do comedy in by all accounts,
0:20:02 > 0:20:03and so's Manchester.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Everywhere north, and that's because most of the people they ask are Southern comedians.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11To be fair, they do sometimes get a rough time.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15I was compere-ing a gig at the Comedy Store in Manchester.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Backstage, there's a dressing room, and in the dressing room,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21there's a television where you can watch the acts on stage
0:20:21 > 0:20:25so that you know when they're about to finish, and you go on.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27It was Saturday night.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Instead of watching the acts, I was watching Match Of The Day.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Introduced onto the stage what you would call a posh, Southern act.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39This lad went on. Very good act, very good comedian.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I'm watching Match Of The Day. I didn't know what was going on.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46All of a sudden, he arrived back in the dressing room.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48He said, "I just HATE them."
0:20:48 > 0:20:51So I thought "I've got to get back on the stage. What on Earth's gone on?"
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I've got to get on the stage.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54I ran onto the stage.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58As I arrived to see what the problem was, there was a leg on the stage.
0:21:00 > 0:21:06A leg. A complete leg, a shoe and a sock and everything. It was a leg.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10I mean, you can't ignore it when you find a leg.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I thought, "Someone's dropped something here," so I picked up the leg
0:21:14 > 0:21:19and said to the audience, "Has someone lost their leg?"
0:21:19 > 0:21:23And there was a bloke about five rows back who said "It's mine!"
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I said "What's it doing here?"
0:21:25 > 0:21:27He said "I thought he was shit."
0:21:31 > 0:21:33How Northern is that?
0:21:33 > 0:21:39"You know what, I'm not even going to heckle. Just get the leg off."
0:21:46 > 0:21:48The other thing that's unique about Britain
0:21:48 > 0:21:50is that you can sound different
0:21:50 > 0:21:53to someone who lives less than five miles away.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57One thing we're obsessed with in Britain is our accents.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05My favourite would be the Welsh accent. I adore that.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09I went to Wales with John, and John reckons he picked up Welsh.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Just stick "Innit?"
0:22:10 > 0:22:14at the end of every sentence. "I'm ready for dinner, innit?"
0:22:14 > 0:22:15That weird lilt.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17"Oh! How's it going?"
0:22:17 > 0:22:18HE SPEAKS NONSENSE WELSH
0:22:18 > 0:22:20SHE SPEAKS WELSH
0:22:20 > 0:22:21I'm sorry, beg your pardon?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Weirdly, I like a Brummie accent.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Ob-bo-lob-a-lob-a-lob-a-lob.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- BRUMMIE: - "How ya doing? Yeah, fine."
0:22:28 > 0:22:29It's like Mr Blobby.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32It sounds so slow and boring.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I cannot understand Scottish people.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I do struggle when they laugh at my accent.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37SCOTTISH: "I want a wee vodka."
0:22:37 > 0:22:40They can be quite horrible to me.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45- I do like our accents.- It does, like...yeah. Sometimes... yeah.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Our accents are good.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49The Geordie are a bit difficult.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- "Hello, man, how are ya?"- They tend to roll their words into each other.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55"Nice to see ya!"
0:22:55 > 0:22:58My best friend's Geordie. It is difficult to understand him
0:22:58 > 0:23:00when he gets a bit drunk,
0:23:00 > 0:23:02combined with a bit aggressive.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05HE SPEAKS NONSENSE GEORDIE
0:23:06 > 0:23:08The best accent's probably West Country.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10"Oo-arr, oo-arr."
0:23:10 > 0:23:12"Arr, how be, my boy?"
0:23:12 > 0:23:13You can't take them seriously.
0:23:13 > 0:23:20My least favourite British accent would be...the Scouse accent.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"You put dat dere and then you put dat dere, and in the middle
0:23:23 > 0:23:25"you've got dem dere."
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I just find it a little bit grating.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30CHEERING
0:23:35 > 0:23:40He thought that was funny when he said, "You put dat dere and you put dat dere."
0:23:40 > 0:23:42He forgot that he was naked. I cut his bollocks off.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47But I know what I sound like,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51so I know some people will find the accent slightly irritating.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Some will find it playful. Some people might find it sexy.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59All right, some people will find it irritating.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01But I know what I sound like,
0:24:01 > 0:24:06and the reason I know is because about two-and-a-half years ago,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I'd left my full-time job and I was doing for stand-up comedy,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12trying to make a living, and I was properly struggling.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16So I went to my agent and said, "Look, you need to get me some work.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17"Just get me any work."
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I'd had letters saying the mortgage was behind.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23We've got three kids, and you know what they're like.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25You've got to feed them. You're legally obliged.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28So I said, "Just get me some work."
0:24:28 > 0:24:32When you're a comedian and you say to your agent, "Get me some work,"
0:24:32 > 0:24:36they immediately start sending you for adverts.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Now, as I was saying, I have a slight regional accent.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43There are some jobs you're never going to get
0:24:43 > 0:24:46when you have a slight regional accent like mine.
0:24:47 > 0:24:53I got sent to do the voice-over on an Audi commercial.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57What was brilliant about it,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59when you do these voice-overs,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01they do it in a couple of studios in London,
0:25:01 > 0:25:02they're always really posh.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04I turned up, and this lady gave me the script.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08It said at the top, "To be read in a friendly Northern voice."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I thought "You've never been to Liverpool, have you?"
0:25:10 > 0:25:15Then they send you into this thing called a sound booth.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19That's what it's called. It's called a sound booth.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I'm just making that clear. If there's any scallies at home,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25it's not a booth that's friggin' sound.
0:25:30 > 0:25:31It's a sound booth.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34But when she said to me, "Would you like to go in that sound booth?"
0:25:34 > 0:25:39I said, "What's so good about that?" She went, "I beg your pardon?"
0:25:39 > 0:25:44"It's all right, love, I'm a comedian. I'm not even working. You can have that. It's yours. Keep it."
0:25:44 > 0:25:47And then we go into this thing where you do the voice-over.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49You go into the sound booth and sit there,
0:25:49 > 0:25:53and there's a microphone there and a screen that plays the advert.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Then there's a glass partition and on the other side of the glass
0:25:56 > 0:26:00there's a man with earphones on in the studio, recording your voice.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04As soon as I started reading the script, I could see him go...
0:26:08 > 0:26:12But the advert was this Audi car sweeping through the Alps like that,
0:26:12 > 0:26:17so I just read what it said on the script. "Audi - what a safe drive.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20"Audi - what a memorable drive.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23"Audi - what a unique drive.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26"Vorsprung dercchhh Technichhhh."
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I could see the look.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44But the reality is, Britain is a single nation
0:26:44 > 0:26:48that's bound together, four separate countries.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51And let's be honest, we don't always get on.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Wales is one of the finest little places on our map.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Wales is a place best avoided.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04The Welsh are passionate people. We get on with everybody.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Everybody hates the Welsh. I've never met anybody Welsh that I haven't hated.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11We've got massive countryside.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13We've got valleys, beautiful girls.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17The people are strange, the weather's appalling, and on the whole,
0:27:17 > 0:27:20apart from looking for choughs off the Cardiff coastline,
0:27:20 > 0:27:21I see no reason to go there.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25It's just everything you need. It's an amazing place.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Wales is definitely one of those parts of Britain that splits people.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39You've got the valleys in Wales, which are beautiful.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43You've got the developments going on in south Wales around Cardiff,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45which are really impressive.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46And then you've got Rhyl.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53I went on a stag do to Rhyl. Must have been about ten, 12 years ago.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57I went on a stag do to Rhyl. We were staying in a B & B
0:27:57 > 0:28:00where we got a lap dancer who also cooked you breakfast.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08There was something wonderful about the fact that she could multi-task,
0:28:08 > 0:28:11but there's something off-putting
0:28:11 > 0:28:13about a lap dancer with bacon-fat burns.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21That was being British. We've learnt that Jeff Bridges' granddaddy was from Liverpool,
0:28:21 > 0:28:24it's a bit shit on a dance floor in Portsmouth,
0:28:24 > 0:28:27and there's definitely a North-South divide,
0:28:27 > 0:28:28and we're better.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Thank you, good night and God bless.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:46 > 0:28:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk