0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:24CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Thank you.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Thank you.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44It's nice to see I'm not the only one
0:00:44 > 0:00:47wearing my Christmas clothes in here today.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Welcome to the show.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52This is a Christmas edition of John Bishop's Britain
0:00:52 > 0:00:54and it's lovely to be back.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I have to be honest - next year, I'm thinking of changing Christmas,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00cos we're in the middle of winter, all that horrible weather.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I'm thinking what I want to do is have a sunny Christmas.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Go to warmer climes, you know.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Obviously, I'll miss the Christmas tree, I'll miss the mince pies,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I'll miss the wife and kids but I just fancy a change.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13The other thing that you'll miss as well,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15if you ever spend time out of England,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18is that this is one of those shows that's now a Christmas special.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Every year, there's a Christmas special of every show.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24You get the Wipeout Christmas special.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26The Watchdog Christmas special.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30The Embarrassing Bodies Christmas special.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33"David's got a cock that looks like a reindeer."
0:01:36 > 0:01:38The way the show works is I've been all over Britain,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41asking people about Christmas and getting their views.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43These are some of the people I've spoken to.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Some you'll recognise. Some you won't.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48But if they're at the end of your bed on Christmas Eve,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50you'd probably run a mile.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And this is a taster of what they had to say.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54# It's Christmas! #
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Shake it over a nice bit of stuff. - I love you, mwah!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- It doesn't get better than that. - Urgh.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- Bah, humbug.- Oh.- Angry.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- All hell used to break loose. - Smash up the Santa Clauses.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10We'll be hearing more from them later and, also,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13there'll be the odd sketch or two to help us along the way.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Now, Christmas, as we know, is a very, very stressful time.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Mainly because you've got to buy presents for people.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24And what happens in my house is we play a little game.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Where my wife buys something, gives it to me, and I open it
0:02:28 > 0:02:30and realise it was what she wanted.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Every year, we've been doing this.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I've had CDs of Duffy.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I got curling tongs one year.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Last year, I got a pair of UGGs. I thought, "Well, sod you."
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I put them on and went to the pub.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It's amazing how many offers you get
0:02:46 > 0:02:49when you're a grown man wearing UGGs.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And Christmas has changed, as well, for kids.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54When I was a kid, we didn't get the presents that kids get now.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I remember one Christmas, just getting an orange
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and a magnifying glass.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02That's all I got. I just looked at my dad and said, "What's that?"
0:03:02 > 0:03:07An orange and a magnifying glass. I said, "That's not a present."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10He said, "Just go like that, son, you've got a space hopper."
0:03:13 > 0:03:15When I was a kid, one of the things
0:03:15 > 0:03:19that we did every day at Christmas is we used to go to Mass.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22And, obviously, there were some kids who got better presents than me.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24And you could see them showing off.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Riding to Mass on their brand new bicycle,
0:03:27 > 0:03:31showing off, and then walking home crying cos they'd never got a lock.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38And every time we were there, we used to say to the priest,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40"What do you want for Christmas?"
0:03:40 > 0:03:43He used to say, "All I want for Christmas is peace on earth."
0:03:43 > 0:03:45And I'd go, "What did you get?"
0:03:45 > 0:03:46He'd say, "Oh, I got some bath salts."
0:03:46 > 0:03:50That's slightly disappointing, isn't it? It's not peace on earth.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52But, then again, YOU can relax.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Not all of these jokes are going to work, I can tell you that now.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Some of these jokes are just for the people down South.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Down South, they were pissing themselves at that.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Up North, everyone's going, "Bath salts?! Fuck off!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14But the reality is, Christmas wouldn't be the same
0:04:14 > 0:04:16if it wasn't for the presents.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I think the worst person in the family to buy for, for any man,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25is the wife.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I think the hardest person to buy for is...me.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Men are difficult to buy for.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I mean, what do you buy for a chap for Christmas?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Oh, thank you, yes, another pair of socks. I really needed them.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38You can't disguise a present you don't like.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's like, "Urgh, what's that?"
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Ooh, no, not really me.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45About four or five years ago, to my horror,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I discover that my Christmas present is a sackful of chickens
0:04:48 > 0:04:51that had been given to a third-world village.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Who wants a lot of old aftershave and soap-on-a-rope?
0:04:53 > 0:04:56It's not what I consider festive or appropriate.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Women don't want nasty red nylon
0:04:59 > 0:05:01frilly knickers that you think are sexy.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- Have I ever, have I EVER bought you anything like that?- Sadly not.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09No, obviously, someone else in your life has and scarred you.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10(Might have done.)
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Women are much easier to buy for. Much, much easier.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18I soon learnt that you don't buy a wife any kitchen appliances.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Perfume, or jewellery, or gloves.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25The look of disappointment on her face when she opened this blender.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27It was just terrible.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30And just by her eyes, you knew that I'd done wrong.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41That is a typical man's thing, isn't it? "There you go, love.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45"Go and blend something, eh? I'll go and have a sit down now."
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Cos the thing is with presents, as well, they have changed.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I have got a goat.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I got a goat two years ago for Christmas. I've never met the goat.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I'm not even sure the goat exists.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I've got a little sticker saying, "You own this goat."
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I think the goat has been sold about 1,000 times.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I think, one day, I'm just going to turn up in this African village
0:06:04 > 0:06:07and come and meet my goat, see if it recognises me,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10the ungrateful bastard - it's never written once!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And the thing that's changes as well in recent times
0:06:13 > 0:06:16is this explosion of Secret Santas.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Secret Santas at work.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21That is just the worst idea on the planet.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24For those people who don't understand what Secret Santa is,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27it's basically you work somewhere...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30with a load of people, most of whom you don't talk to.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33And then someone says, "Let's put everyone's name in a hat."
0:06:33 > 0:06:36And you draw a name out of someone you don't know
0:06:36 > 0:06:39and you've got to buy someone you don't know a present.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40For five quid!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44You can't go beyond five quid, it can only cost five quid,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46which means it's shit!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Which means you're buying someone you don't know something shit
0:06:49 > 0:06:51that they never wanted in the first place.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53That's ridiculous! What's happened now...
0:06:53 > 0:06:57I know people who've said, "We're not doing that, cos all you can do is buy crap,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00so what I'm going to do is buy lottery tickets."
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Lottery tickets. So what happens is you end up buying five lottery tickets.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08I can't think of anything worse - imagine doing that.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And that person you don't even know,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13who you bought five lottery tickets for..
0:07:13 > 0:07:15wins the lottery!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17You're stood there with a pair of socks.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20You're going, "I didn't even you, you twat!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Cos the pressure of getting presents, as well, it changes.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It's all right to begin with. You go out with the best intentions.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31You think, "No, I'll get Auntie Mary something nice this Christmas.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33"It's time I treated her."
0:07:33 > 0:07:35You go out and go somewhere with a shopping centre
0:07:35 > 0:07:38then two hours later, when you can't find anything,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41you think, "Why am I getting this stupid cow a present?!"
0:07:41 > 0:07:44It just creates anxiety which means that you end up
0:07:44 > 0:07:47with all of these presents that no-one would normally buy,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50like these celebrity...perfumes.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Kerry Katona...
0:07:55 > 0:07:57..has a perfume now.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I've never, ever looked at my wife and thought,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"I'd love a whiff of Kerry off you, love."
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Can you imagine that as a present?
0:08:04 > 0:08:10Giving somebody some perfume that makes her smell of fags and a kebab.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Every Christmas, it's the same - it's happened this Christmas -
0:08:15 > 0:08:16where there's always a present
0:08:16 > 0:08:19that is the must-have present for the kids.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22There's always a present that the kids have got to have.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25And you've got to climb the wall and find them. You know what?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I don't know who decides what that must-have present is,
0:08:29 > 0:08:30but whoever decides it -
0:08:30 > 0:08:33makes some frigging more, will you?!
0:08:34 > 0:08:35You know what I mean?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38They know a million kids will want them so they say,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41"All right, we'll knock out 150, to get parents killing each other."
0:08:41 > 0:08:44What's happened with us is our kids have changed as well.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Cos our kids aren't kids who want something for Christmas now.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51We've got teenage kids, and everyone in here with teenage kids knows
0:08:51 > 0:08:53teenagers don't want presents.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54They want money.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58When they say, "Don't get me presents, just give me money,"
0:08:58 > 0:09:01that's really awkward. It's OK if you've only got one child.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04If you've only got one child, it's not a problem.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07But if you've got three, it's difficult.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Cos when you give them money...
0:09:11 > 0:09:13they know how much you love them.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17And you can't love them all the same.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24So, you end up giving them money and they end up measuring
0:09:24 > 0:09:26how much money they've got against the others.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Then one of them realises that...
0:09:29 > 0:09:30he was a mistake.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Ah! I'm just laughing cos one of my lads is here and he's just gone...
0:09:51 > 0:09:54And the other thing that's never changed, no matter what happens,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57it never changes, you still have stocking fillers.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Every Christmas, you still have something at the end of the bed
0:10:00 > 0:10:02and you fill the stocking. It's tradition!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Our family's carried that tradition on.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07My kids, ever since they were babies, have done the same thing.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Every Christmas, they wake up and at the end of the bed,
0:10:10 > 0:10:13they get some fruit, some nuts,
0:10:13 > 0:10:15the odd satsuma.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18My lads walk downstairs every Christmas
0:10:18 > 0:10:22with a satsuma in their hand and go, "What's that?"
0:10:22 > 0:10:23I say, "That's a satsuma."
0:10:23 > 0:10:27They go, "Well, there's a bowl of them over there."
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Why do we give them satsumas?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Did baby Jesus have vitamin C deficiency, or what?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36It's a pointless thing to give them.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39And when I was a kid, as well, we couldn't afford nuts,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Christmas was the only day you got nuts.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45That must have been an absolute nightmare
0:10:45 > 0:10:47if you didn't know you had a nut allergy.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51You're sat at home, playing your Scalextric,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53thinking, "I want to treat myself."
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And the biggest difference at Christmas, comes from seeing
0:10:59 > 0:11:01the way men and women treat presents.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Women, they get a present,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06my wife's particularly the same with this. She'll get a present
0:11:06 > 0:11:09and she will wrap it up like you're going to send that present
0:11:09 > 0:11:14on a journey on the back of a yak, over a desert for three weeks.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16She wraps it up and wraps it up and wraps it up
0:11:16 > 0:11:20and wraps it up and then tapes. And wraps it up and wraps it up.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Whereas a bloke, wrapping something up, basically means putting it
0:11:23 > 0:11:26in a different bag than what you bought it in.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39But we all know that there's only one person who brings you presents,
0:11:39 > 0:11:40and that's Santa.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Father Christmas definitely exists.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I'm only 12 inside and Father Christmas still exists in my heart.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I used to lie in bed with my eyes tight closed
0:11:53 > 0:11:56and I would hear someone coming in, and I just opened just a slit
0:11:56 > 0:11:58and would see just a glimpse of red.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Father Christmas was really important to us kids. We used to love him.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06And then I'd hear the crackle of all the presents, the paper crackling.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09They were all put at the foot of my bed in a big pillowcase.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10It was so exciting.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Get a grip. Santa ain't real, mate.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Doesn't exist.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15And if he was, he's dead.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Angry that he wasn't real.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Father Christmas isn't real.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23I was angry that I'd been lied to for so many years.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Obviously, it was a huge scandal
0:12:25 > 0:12:28when you found out Father Christmas didn't exist.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I'll never forget the day when I was trying to figure out
0:12:30 > 0:12:32how he was going to get into our flat.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Through the electric heater that was in the lounge.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39I developed a coping mechanism that I would inflict that horror
0:12:39 > 0:12:40on other people.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"How's this going to work?"
0:12:42 > 0:12:44And I was shattering their dreams.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46And I was just like giving them a reality check.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I think it's ridiculous.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49I'd rather know the truth.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Doesn't exist.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Santa Claus does exist! What are you talking about,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56he doesn't exist? Of course he exists!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I've met him.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10To be fair, there was a lot of drugs knocking around in the '70s.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Noddy probably did meet him.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14And the other thing with Santa as well
0:13:14 > 0:13:17is it removes everything that you normally do as a parent.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20You would never normally say to your kids, "Listen, listen,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"there's a dark room there and a man you've never met before.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29"Go and sit on his lap and ask him for something. Go on."
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Cos that's what you do, you change everything. But it's tradition.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38And one of the traditions that keeps on going, in fact, even now,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40even now that my kids are teenagers.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43We still do, leaving a carrot out.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44And brandy.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I mean, obviously, it's a long time since we left brandy out.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I mean, they must have been five or six when I actually told them
0:13:51 > 0:13:53that Santa preferred Bacardi and Coke.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57And maybe if you could leave the porn channel on,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00he wouldn't mind some of that.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02And letters to Santa have changed,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04cos you don't have letters any more now.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Kids don't write letters to anyone.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08You don't get letters to Santa, they send an e-mail...
0:14:08 > 0:14:10with some links to shopping sites on.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Last year, my kids sat me and my missus down,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16did a PowerPoint presentation
0:14:16 > 0:14:19and we left with the leave piece. Cos that's what's happened -
0:14:19 > 0:14:22everything's now become in a commercial way.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Everything's gone crazy. What you need to do is keep the magic alive.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28And we always try and keep the magic alive.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I was... When we were talking about doing this show,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I was speaking to a mate of mine about Christmas memories
0:14:35 > 0:14:38and about keeping the magic alive and that point in your life
0:14:38 > 0:14:40when you realise Santa isn't there.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43And he said what he did, which was probably the cruellest thing
0:14:43 > 0:14:47he's ever done in his life, but I thought was the funniest,
0:14:47 > 0:14:51he said his little brother didn't know about Santa.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56He was 12, he was a big lad, he knew. His little brother was seven.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01He said on Christmas Day, his little brother come downstairs.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03He said, "Has he been? Has he been?"
0:15:03 > 0:15:05He said, "Yeah, he's been, he's been.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08"But there's been a little bit of an accident."
0:15:08 > 0:15:13He took him outside, he said he put a cherry tomato in the snow.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Tomato sauce around it.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19He said, "He came,
0:15:19 > 0:15:20"but the dog ate Rudolph."
0:15:28 > 0:15:30That's just brilliant!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Poor kid cried for about four years, I think.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38But one of things that everybody enjoys at Christmas,
0:15:38 > 0:15:42and one of the things that is always going to be a Christmas tradition
0:15:42 > 0:15:44is the nativity.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Yeah, I was in the school nativity play and, of course,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52because I was born on Christmas Day, I was Jesus.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55I actually had quite a major role in the school nativity.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I was a shepherd.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Shepherd number one.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00It's always like shepherd number 14.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I was a very important second shepherd.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04The pivotal shepherd.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Which included quite a substantial solo.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Shepherd number 14.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13My mum was in the audience just...in floods of tears.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17You're either one of the main parts or you're what I was.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19A cow.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Once, I was a cow.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I was a cow.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25I like to do things properly.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Even though I can't act. But I like to be a proper cow.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I hated being a cow.
0:16:31 > 0:16:36And I really tried to get this moo out of myself.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38And I farted.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I was the little, little Angel Gabriel, I was,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43in a Christmas nativity.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I was Mary. And everyone else was like, "Whoa, you're Mary."
0:16:46 > 0:16:48And I'm like, "I think I'd rather be a sheep, actually."
0:16:48 > 0:16:51The Virgin Mary, she, er, wet her knickers
0:16:51 > 0:16:55and her knickers fell down, soaked with wee
0:16:55 > 0:16:57cos they couldn't contain the amount of wee.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58She was very nervous.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01The school production, um, of The Birth Of Jesus, this year,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03was the best thing I've ever seen.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06It was better than New Order at Reading in 1998.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08The audience found it wonderful.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17The reality is, the nativity play is something that's special.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22I read something, this year, that the average expenditure
0:17:22 > 0:17:26on an outfit for the nativity play was £150.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29That is ridiculous.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33That's ridiculous. When my kids were in nativity plays,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35it wasn't that expensive for a tea towel.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37That's all it was.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41A tea towel, that's it, you're a shepherd. You're in, off you go.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44But what happened, cos I had three kids quite close together,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I couldn't get to all the nativities.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48The last one had his nativity, I said, "I'll go.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50"I'll definitely go to this nativity."
0:17:50 > 0:17:53I went. And every parent knows that the nativity play's
0:17:53 > 0:17:54a bit of a competition.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57You want to know what part your son's going to play,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00or your daughter's going to play.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02It was a little bit awkward, I took my camcorder.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05A teachers said, "You can't just go in with a camcorder.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"You've got to ask the headmistress."
0:18:07 > 0:18:10So, I went in to ask the headmistress.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12There was me and three other blokes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14She said, "I can't decide.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19"Society's changed, we've now got to ask the parents their permission,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"if they mind you videoing the nativity."
0:18:23 > 0:18:26So, me and three other fellas had to come out...
0:18:26 > 0:18:30This is the scariest thing I've ever done in my life.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33..and stand there with camcorders,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36in front of all of the parents,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39while she says, "These gentlemen would like...
0:18:42 > 0:18:47"..to film the nativity. Has anyone got any objections?"
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I can't tell you how scary that was, cos I just thought,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53"If one of mates is here now, they're going to go, 'It's him!'"
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I was stood there thinking, "What are you looking at me for?
0:18:56 > 0:19:00"It's the fella at the end sweating you want to worry about."
0:19:00 > 0:19:03But we got the opportunity to go in and watch it,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05and it was a lovely thing, a lovely thing.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08But it was also the fact that I hadn't really asked
0:19:08 > 0:19:11what part he was in. So I'd never considered what was going to happen.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15I was just there, like every parent, looking forward to the occasion.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18If you've been to the nativity, you know what happens.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Mary and Joseph come in first. He was none of them.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I didn't mind the fact he wasn't one of them.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I didn't want him to be Mary, for obvious reasons.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I also, I didn't want him to be Joseph either.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I didn't want him to get used to the idea at a young age
0:19:33 > 0:19:36of someone else knocking your bird off.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Then the three wise men came in.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I was videoing them, I counted them. One, two, three.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I thought, "He's not one of them either."
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I said to my missus, "He's not one of the three wise men.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49"There's three, he's not one of them."
0:19:49 > 0:19:51She said, "Well, he's not a wise man."
0:19:51 > 0:19:54And then the shepherds came in.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Six shepherds.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57He wasn't a shepherd.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I said, "He's not even a shepherd.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"There's no-one else in it except Mary, Joseph, three kings,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"the shepherds. There's no-one in it." The shepherds came in,
0:20:05 > 0:20:07six shepherds, three sheep.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11What does that teach kids about shepherds?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Six shepherds, three sheep. I was looking.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19He wasn't a sheep, he wasn't a sheep.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21And then four tigers came in!
0:20:24 > 0:20:29Four tigers! I think, "What are the tigers doing in Bethlehem?"
0:20:29 > 0:20:32At the end of the tigers...
0:20:32 > 0:20:34one...
0:20:34 > 0:20:35donkey.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I just looked at that donkey and I went,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43"That's the best donkey I've ever seen."
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I said, "Go, donkey. Go, donkey."
0:20:48 > 0:20:50But at the end, I went up to the teacher and I said,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53"How come you had one donkey and four tigers?"
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I said, "What are the tigers doing in Bethlehem?"
0:20:55 > 0:20:59She said, "Oh, one of the mothers can do face-painting."
0:21:09 > 0:21:11But one thing that takes over Christmas
0:21:11 > 0:21:14and dominates everything is food.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Christmas day is just ridiculous. You get up and have a full English...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23You generally get up,
0:21:23 > 0:21:27you haven't brushed your teeth you stuff your face with chocolates.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29A perfect Christmas meal for me
0:21:29 > 0:21:33is where you stuff everything you've shot during the season.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I do the 20-minute Christmas dinner.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38That starts with a woodcock shoved into a partridge
0:21:38 > 0:21:40shoved into pheasant...
0:21:40 > 0:21:43You can buy a tin of soup, you can buy a cooked turkey.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45..shoved into a chicken shoved into cockerel
0:21:45 > 0:21:47shoved into a goose...
0:21:47 > 0:21:51You can get your frozen sprouts, your tin of potatoes.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54..then finally, the whole lot is rammed up the arse of a turkey.
0:21:54 > 0:21:5620 minutes and it's on the table.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59The food is what I enjoy more than anything. A good feed.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Just eating until you're physically sick...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03You get a big Yorkshire pudding,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06fill it full of chicken, mash, stuffing.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07..and then eating some more.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Until it hurts, then have pudding, cos you have a pudding stomach.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13And you're kind of struggling to breathe and you're like...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Bad-man style.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17And then having a sandwich.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19A friend of mine decided to weigh himself
0:22:19 > 0:22:22before and after Christmas dinner on the bathroom scales,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25and he'd eaten ten pounds of Christmas dinner,
0:22:25 > 0:22:26which is a huge amount.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Then you'd have your cold buffet in the evening.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You'd have, like, your cut meats.
0:22:30 > 0:22:3220,000 calories.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33In one sitting.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34But then when do you stop?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Do you take it to the New Year or keep going?
0:22:37 > 0:22:38STOP!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48The thing with Christmas is the one thing, the mainstay,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50was mince pies, and that was a big treat at Christmas -
0:22:50 > 0:22:52you'd get mince pies.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54Now, you get mince pies all year round.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56We got mince pies last October.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58The sell-by date was November!
0:22:58 > 0:23:03How can you have Christmas food you can't eat at frigging Christmas?!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06And Christmas Day - what's good about Christmas Day
0:23:06 > 0:23:09is it's the one time where you can be an alcoholic.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10It's expected.
0:23:10 > 0:23:15Cos it's the one time you can get up and drink sherry at 10:30.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Anyone else, through the rest of the year,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20who drink sherry at 10:30 in the morning
0:23:20 > 0:23:24normally spends the rest of the day sat on a bench, shouting at buses.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29But Christmas is basically a fat contest.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31It's like, get a load of food and see what you can get in.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34And one thing that I don't think happens in the same way
0:23:34 > 0:23:37it used to when I was a kid is hampers.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Hampers used to come to your house.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42People now have these big shops you can go to - we didn't have that.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Your mum used to send a pound off all year
0:23:45 > 0:23:47and then a box would arrive and it'd be so exciting,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49cos you'd think, "What's in the box?"
0:23:49 > 0:23:52You'd open it and at the top of the box, there'd be biscuits
0:23:52 > 0:23:54and tins of things you'd want,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56and then at the bottom, there'd be stuff, and you think,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58"What the frigging hell is all this?"
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Now with those people in this room who are under 25,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05who've never seen a hamper, the best way of describing it
0:24:05 > 0:24:10is it's like somebody went into Aldi and did a pick 'n' mix.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12You look at the stuff at the bottom and think,
0:24:12 > 0:24:14"What are we going to do with this?"
0:24:14 > 0:24:17And then on New Year's Day, when you're starving, you think,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"Yeah, curried mandarin, there's nothing wrong with that.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22But it used to come every year and you used to get it
0:24:22 > 0:24:25and you used to love it as it was part of your Christmas dinner,
0:24:25 > 0:24:27it was part of what would happen.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30The tins came - that's how things have changed, as well -
0:24:30 > 0:24:32cos the tins would be there, and the little pot
0:24:32 > 0:24:34and men used to look at that and go, "That's good, that.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"That's a lovely pot. I'll use that pot for me nails."
0:24:38 > 0:24:41You know what I mean? Or, "I'll use that for me screws."
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Now, the way blokes are, they'd say, "Oh, that's a lovely pot.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"I can keep some couscous in that when Christmas is over."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50And I've also reached the point in my life
0:24:50 > 0:24:52where I've turned into my dad.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Last year, the turkey arrived on the table -
0:24:54 > 0:24:57and every man does the same - the turkey arrived on the table
0:24:57 > 0:24:59and you think, "You know what, love.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02"I know you spend 364 days of the year preparing food,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04"but this is a turkey.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"There's only one person who can cut that in this house."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Just hacking at it like that.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20And then you finish it off with a Christmas cake.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23How many people in here...? I don't even know... You know what?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26This is true, I don't know if this is a Northern tradition,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I'm saying this as it goes all over,
0:25:28 > 0:25:29I don't know if they do this down South.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Put money in the Christmas cake.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Give a cheer if your mum put a coin in the Christmas cake.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36- SCATTERED CHEERS - Yeah.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38It's a proper thing to do.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41It was a lovely thing to sit there and think,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43"Whose tooth is going to get broken this year?"
0:25:43 > 0:25:46The other thing that happens, and you've all done it,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49looking at your hats, is the cracker.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52That Christmas cracker moment. That Christmas cracker...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Cos now they all come all wrapped up
0:25:54 > 0:25:56and you think it's a wonderful thing.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Even now, at my age,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I always think there's going to be something good inside.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03They've stopped putting jokes in. Have you noticed that?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06They've run out of jokes, so you might get one joke.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11You might get one joke and then it'll have a fact, a Christmas fact.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12That kills Christmas.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15We were sat there last year, I read the Christmas fact.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I went, "Oh, this is interesting.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20"More domestic violence takes place on Christmas Day...
0:26:22 > 0:26:23"..than any other time of the year.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"Oh, right, well, that's good, isn't it?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28"So, it's not just us, is it?"
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And the other thing, as well, there's a technique...
0:26:31 > 0:26:34There's a technique to pulling a cracker.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36People will know this technique.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Anyone in here who's got brothers and sisters
0:26:38 > 0:26:40learned the technique early in life.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42My wife's a single child -
0:26:42 > 0:26:45she's never once won a cracker pull with me.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Cos she doesn't know the technique, which is get down the shaft...
0:26:48 > 0:26:50No, she doesn't, all right.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53APPLAUSE
0:26:58 > 0:27:00That actually wasn't the joke, but...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04as I was halfway through, I thought, "I'll dive out of this one."
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Another tradition that took over this country
0:27:08 > 0:27:11over recent years as well is German markets.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Particularly here, in the city of Manchester.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17The city of Manchester really embraces Christmas.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Every year, for those people at home who don't know, the city council in Manchester
0:27:21 > 0:27:26pay for a big 60-foot inflatable Santa Claus
0:27:26 > 0:27:29to hang off the town hall.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Every year, there must be a council meeting where they sit
0:27:32 > 0:27:35and they say, "Look, lads, you know, Christmas is coming up
0:27:35 > 0:27:37"and, obviously, there's been a lot of cuts this year.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40"We could invest some of this money into education,
0:27:40 > 0:27:44"the health service, or helping the elderly.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47"Or let's have a big Santa hanging off t'tower, eh?"
0:27:54 > 0:27:56It's there every year.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58And then what's come in, the last couple of years,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00is this idea of German markets.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03And I don't know where they've come from, German markets.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I don't know if Churchill said to the Germans
0:28:05 > 0:28:08at the end of the Second World War, "Let's call it a day
0:28:08 > 0:28:11"and then in 60 years' time, you can come over at Christmas."
0:28:11 > 0:28:13You know? I don't know what's going on.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Cos I don't know if you've been to a German market.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16There's no Germans there.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19There's just some fella from Bolton trying to sell you sausages.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I think if there's German markets,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26and there's been one coming to Manchester for at least ten years,
0:28:26 > 0:28:28cos I've been to it a lot.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30I think if there's a German market in Manchester,
0:28:30 > 0:28:34that MUST mean there's a Manc market in Germany.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39I absolutely love the idea of Germans buying
0:28:39 > 0:28:43ten pairs of towelling socks and some tea towel.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Or some Manc in a tracky going, "Ah, lad. Happy Christmas."
0:28:53 > 0:28:58And German markets aren't the only thing that arrive at Christmas.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01One thing that you don't get at any other time of the year
0:29:01 > 0:29:02is specific music.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06And everyone knows it wouldn't be the same without Christmas music.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13I can't stand the classical,
0:29:13 > 0:29:15"Oh, everyone's happy at Christmas" type of songs.
0:29:15 > 0:29:19I love any Christmas record. I'm a big Christmas fan.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22I don't really play Christmas records at Christmas.
0:29:22 > 0:29:23I think it's quite cheesy.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Christmas album on, Christmas morning.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Doesn't get better than that.
0:29:28 > 0:29:30There's been some brilliant Christmas records.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart." That one.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37# Christmas time Mistletoe and wine. #
0:29:37 > 0:29:38Shut up, Cliff. We don't want it.
0:29:38 > 0:29:41It makes me want to throw myself off one. Stop.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45I quite like Christmas records. I like, # It's Christmas! #
0:29:45 > 0:29:48Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:29:48 > 0:29:49# I wish it could be... #
0:29:49 > 0:29:52I wish you would shut your mouth, cos I hate that song.
0:29:52 > 0:29:57The best thing about it is you make a lot of money from it. Over the years.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00# It's Christmas! # My throat's going now.
0:30:00 > 0:30:05Anyone that works in retail hates Christmas music.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08People'll point. "That's him. What did you make that record for?
0:30:08 > 0:30:10"We're sick of it." People love to come up
0:30:10 > 0:30:12and say they don't like your Christmas record.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14The reason for this is,
0:30:14 > 0:30:19because they'll start playing it in October and finish in January
0:30:19 > 0:30:22and you only have three Christmas CDs in the store.
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I think they think that we go round
0:30:24 > 0:30:27all the shops in October telling them to put our Christmas record on.
0:30:27 > 0:30:28And that it's our fault.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30It's like torture.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34It's like somebody putting their nails down a blackboard.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38# All I want for Christmas... (is you)
0:30:38 > 0:30:41# Ooh... #
0:30:46 > 0:30:49One Christmas song that I will never forget.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52It will live with me forever. It came out in 1976.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56It was Johnny Mathis. # When a child is born. #
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Give me a cheer if you remember the song.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:31:00 > 0:31:02A brilliant, brilliant song.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05On New Year's Day, my dad took me to go and see Liverpool,
0:31:05 > 0:31:10and this is where I saw the contrast between the culture of football
0:31:10 > 0:31:12and the harmony of a Christmas song.
0:31:12 > 0:31:14It came out in 1976.
0:31:14 > 0:31:19And in 1976, I was ten years of age. My dad took me to the match.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23He took me to go and watch Liverpool on New Year's Day.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27I'll never forget this. We were playing Sunderland.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29Liverpool were a good side then.
0:31:30 > 0:31:35We were playing Sunderland, and what happened, they played that song.
0:31:35 > 0:31:39And everybody started to sway. # A ray of hope
0:31:39 > 0:31:41# Flickers across the land. #
0:31:41 > 0:31:43The scarves went up.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45# Huh huh, huh-huh. #
0:31:45 > 0:31:47I didn't know the words when I was ten.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49# Huh huh, huh huh. #
0:31:49 > 0:31:53And there was a lovely harmony, as, in union, everybody was swaying.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56And then, all of a sudden, one of the Sunderland defenders
0:31:56 > 0:31:58came flying in at the back of Steve Heighway.
0:31:58 > 0:32:02And as everybody swayed, the fellow next to me went,
0:32:02 > 0:32:04"You dirty bastard!"
0:32:06 > 0:32:10One of the big traditions every year is a panto. Who loves a panto?
0:32:10 > 0:32:12AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Oh, no, you don't.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, we do.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17Oh, no, you don't.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Oh, yes, we do!
0:32:19 > 0:32:20Leave it out.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26The panto, no, the panto's a lovely tradition. It's a lovely thing.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28But it's also, from a showbiz point of view,
0:32:28 > 0:32:31it's one of those things that you do at some time.
0:32:31 > 0:32:32I've done two pantos.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34The first panto I ever did was in Liverpool.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37It was at the Royal Court in Liverpool.
0:32:37 > 0:32:42It wasn't what you would call a high production value panto,
0:32:42 > 0:32:44it was Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46We couldn't afford dwarfs.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Dwarfs are quite expensive, particularly at Christmas,
0:32:50 > 0:32:52they're very, very busy.
0:32:52 > 0:32:53Aah!
0:32:53 > 0:32:57So, what we did is we had kids with false heads on.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00So, we had a load of kids with false heads on.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02I was playing Herman the Henchman.
0:33:02 > 0:33:03Scary part.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05I was going to take Snow White into the woods
0:33:05 > 0:33:07and kill her at some point.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09SHE SCREAMS
0:33:09 > 0:33:13I walked on to the stage. The room's full of mums and kids.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19So, I walked on, I went, "The Evil Queen wants Snow White."
0:33:19 > 0:33:23And then I was supposed to say something else. But I forgot.
0:33:24 > 0:33:26So, as a comedian, I just went,
0:33:26 > 0:33:29"All right, love, what's your name, where are you from?"
0:33:29 > 0:33:31I did 15 minutes with this woman going,
0:33:31 > 0:33:33"G'way, g'way with you."
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Everyone's going, "What the friggin' hell are you doing?"
0:33:36 > 0:33:38And then what happened is, throughout the panto,
0:33:38 > 0:33:42my character, at one stage, had to chase one of the dwarfs.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46It was one of those things that happens in pantos,
0:33:46 > 0:33:49someone chases somebody. The problem was, the dwarf I was chasing
0:33:49 > 0:33:51wasn't really very quick on their feet.
0:33:51 > 0:33:56I was chasing them. There was a load of kids in the front row.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00I caught the heel. As I caught the heel, he fell over.
0:34:00 > 0:34:01The head fell off.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05There was kids in the front row being sick.
0:34:06 > 0:34:09They'd come out for some Christmas cheer,
0:34:09 > 0:34:12they had Grumpy's head in their lap. Nobody was expecting that.
0:34:16 > 0:34:19And the thing is, panto's something that everyone enjoys
0:34:19 > 0:34:20cos it's a family thing.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22Christmas is supposed to be a family time.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26The reality is, it always ends up in an argument.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Every Christmas, there's always the same
0:34:33 > 0:34:34family arguments.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36I think it's the pressure of having a good time.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39You know, you HAVE to spend time with your family.
0:34:39 > 0:34:41We get up together, have breakfast together,
0:34:41 > 0:34:43open our presents together, have a meal together,
0:34:43 > 0:34:45watch TV together. Phew...
0:34:45 > 0:34:49Most families argue on Christmas Day through drink.
0:34:49 > 0:34:50It's booze. Full stop.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52My gran'd hit the whisky,
0:34:52 > 0:34:54and I don't know what my mum and my aunt were hitting.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56By half four, five o'clock, all hell broke loose.
0:34:56 > 0:35:02What should be a lovely holiday, a celebration and a relaxation...
0:35:02 > 0:35:06has turned in, for me, to be the most stressful time of the year.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Off the Richter scale.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Arguments between Mum and Dad would always be,
0:35:10 > 0:35:13"You don't do anything at Christmas." "I always do all the work."
0:35:13 > 0:35:16I wasn't aware you had any stress, because I thought it was me,
0:35:16 > 0:35:20while you're getting cosy, that's charging round the supermarket,
0:35:20 > 0:35:21fighting my way around the shops,
0:35:21 > 0:35:23getting and wrapping the kids' presents,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26The ironing, the cooking, the tree decoration.
0:35:26 > 0:35:27..sorting out the cards,
0:35:27 > 0:35:30buying something for your mum, something for my mum.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34You mother is just like right on the edge of completely smashing
0:35:34 > 0:35:35the whole kitchen up and losing it.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37And there, playing my amiable host,
0:35:37 > 0:35:40pouring the drinks YOU'VE gone scouring round the supermarket for.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43- No, could I just say?- Eating the lovely food, the mince pies...
0:35:43 > 0:35:46- The mistake is... - ..that we've made.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49..you treat men like adults. Christmas is for kids. Men are kids.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Hate it. Can't stand Christmas. Bah, humbug.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54Stress, stress, stress, stress, stress. Christmas.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57You have turned me off Christmas.
0:36:05 > 0:36:09Oh, you know when the cameras went, it kicked off in that house, don't you?
0:36:09 > 0:36:13But it's true. It's just stress over Christmas. And that's honest.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17At least that's honest. There is stress at Christmas. When I was kid,
0:36:17 > 0:36:19they had this fella on TV called Val Doonican.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21Remember Val Doonican?
0:36:21 > 0:36:24Every Christmas, Val Doonican would be there with the Doonican family.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Val Doonican would come on with a lovely fine jumper.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30He'd sit on a rocking chair in front of an open fire
0:36:30 > 0:36:32with all Christmas decorations.
0:36:32 > 0:36:33He'd look at the camera and go...
0:36:33 > 0:36:35"Hope you're having a fine Christmas, like me."
0:36:35 > 0:36:38I'd sit there, I'd look back at the three-bar fire
0:36:38 > 0:36:40and think, "Not a friggin' chance."
0:36:41 > 0:36:44What happens at Christmas is you end up doing stuff
0:36:44 > 0:36:45as a family you wouldn't normally do.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Like games. You end up having to play games together.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50And that's OK if the games are fair.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52I was speaking to a mate of mine
0:36:52 > 0:36:54and his father-in-law, every year,
0:36:54 > 0:36:57insists that they play Trivial Pursuit.
0:36:57 > 0:37:01But his father-in-law has got Trivial Pursuit from 1982.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04So, every time, he says, "Right, who's the England manager?"
0:37:04 > 0:37:05"Fabio Capello."
0:37:05 > 0:37:07"No, Bobby Robson!"
0:37:07 > 0:37:10And now, things have changed as well,
0:37:10 > 0:37:12cos you get all of these other things.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15These Wiis and stuff like that. And you get these Kinect.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18You get these games. I don't know if you've seen this Xbox Kinect.
0:37:18 > 0:37:19What happens with Xbox Kinect now
0:37:19 > 0:37:22is that you don't actually control anything.
0:37:22 > 0:37:25You don't do anything. My kids got one this year. I was like them.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29What happens is you stand there, like that. And then you play your stuff.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31So, I was playing it. I was like that. I was playing it.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34I was doing it, I was giving it a go. I was like that.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37One of my mates phoned up. He says, "Is Bez in your living room?"
0:37:45 > 0:37:48And the thing is, there's always arguments,
0:37:48 > 0:37:51and everyone seems to be surprised why there's arguments.
0:37:51 > 0:37:53You get relatives in a small room, full of booze,
0:37:53 > 0:37:55what on earth can go wrong?
0:37:55 > 0:37:57There's bound to be arguments
0:37:57 > 0:38:00because there's always a little bit, isn't it? There's always that tension.
0:38:00 > 0:38:02It always starts early in the morning.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04It's like, "Who got up first?"
0:38:04 > 0:38:07It's like, "I've been peeling potatoes since six o'clock."
0:38:07 > 0:38:09"I bought all the presents yesterday."
0:38:09 > 0:38:12"I was thinking about the presents in September."
0:38:12 > 0:38:13It just goes on and on and on.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16And you sit there and you get all tense and tense and tense.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Then, at some point in the day, you're looking at the television and
0:38:19 > 0:38:23the television's going, underneath, where it's scrolling those words,
0:38:23 > 0:38:25"Think of those people who are alone this Christmas."
0:38:25 > 0:38:29And you think, "Yeah, you lucky bastards."
0:38:36 > 0:38:39And then you get the other people, who try to go on holiday.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43And did you see it last year, when the snow came thick last year,
0:38:43 > 0:38:45where they couldn't get out of the airport
0:38:45 > 0:38:47and they interviewed them at Heathrow.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49You could see that they'd all stayed in Heathrow
0:38:49 > 0:38:52for like a week, all sleeping at Heathrow.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55They interview them and they go, "Where were you going?"
0:38:55 > 0:38:58They go, "We were going to the Caribbean but we've been here for a week."
0:38:58 > 0:39:00And everyone they worked with went,
0:39:00 > 0:39:01"Yes!
0:39:02 > 0:39:07"You've been bragging about it for months! Bollocks to you!"
0:39:07 > 0:39:12But after Christmas, you've then got to face that biggest ordeal,
0:39:12 > 0:39:14New Year's Eve.
0:39:18 > 0:39:19I'm not mad on New Year's Eve.
0:39:19 > 0:39:23I love New Year's Eve. I love all the things about it.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26It's never quite as good as you want it to be.
0:39:26 > 0:39:31You either have an amazing time or you put too much on to it
0:39:31 > 0:39:34and you have the worst time ever.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37And you have spend loads of money on really expensive taxis
0:39:37 > 0:39:41and really expensive tickets to go to really expensive parties.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44And then I end up going home, not drinking and just sitting
0:39:44 > 0:39:47and just being miserable and going to bed early.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50I get very into the countdown. It's a competition to be the loudest.
0:39:50 > 0:39:52Ten, nine...
0:39:52 > 0:39:54..eight, seven...
0:39:54 > 0:39:57..SIX, FIVE...
0:39:57 > 0:40:00..four, two...
0:40:00 > 0:40:01..OOOOONE!
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Happy birthday, darling.
0:40:03 > 0:40:04Oh, shit.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06I'd...
0:40:06 > 0:40:08SHE LAUGHS
0:40:08 > 0:40:09Happy New Year.
0:40:09 > 0:40:13Let's get drunk! That's it, absolutely! Yeah!
0:40:13 > 0:40:16Happy New Year! I love you! Mwah!
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Everybody on the street and hugging each other
0:40:19 > 0:40:21and everybody loves each other.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24Kiss a few people you don't know very well, isn't it?
0:40:24 > 0:40:26"Aah. Eeeh. Weh. Mm."
0:40:26 > 0:40:29And you can kiss everybody on the street,
0:40:29 > 0:40:31especially when they are good looking.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34And they can't say no. Ah, beautiful.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38Drunken people trying to put their tongue down your throat...
0:40:38 > 0:40:39don't appeal to me!
0:40:40 > 0:40:43I would have New Year's Eve every day.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47APPLAUSE
0:40:51 > 0:40:53New Year's Eve is something that the Scottish people
0:40:53 > 0:40:55think belongs to them.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59They always pretend, "We're having a fantastic New Year's Eve."
0:40:59 > 0:41:03That New Year - it's Hogmanay in Scotland - is fantastic.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06In fact, it's even a Scottish song we all sing -
0:41:06 > 0:41:09that Auld Lang Syne that none of us know the words of
0:41:09 > 0:41:12but we all sing it and we all do that
0:41:12 > 0:41:15and you know why the Scottish made that dance?
0:41:15 > 0:41:17It's because when they're singing,
0:41:17 > 0:41:19and they've got their hands like that,
0:41:19 > 0:41:21they know no-one's nicking their drinks.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24So, that was Christmas.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Tonight, Britain has taught me that Noddy knows Santa,
0:41:27 > 0:41:29the best cows fart
0:41:29 > 0:41:32and you should never buy a blender as a present.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Thank you. Goodnight and God bless.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:42:09 > 0:42:12E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk