:00:19. > :00:32.Is John, John, I said it's time for your show. Put down that mince pie
:00:33. > :00:35.and get a move on. # Sleigh bells ring are you
:00:36. > :00:38.listening # A beautiful sight
:00:39. > :00:44.# We're happy tonight # Walking in a winter Wonderland
:00:45. > :00:45.# Gone away # Is the bluebird
:00:46. > :00:51.# Here to stay # Is the new bird
:00:52. > :00:57.# He sings a love song # As we come along
:00:58. > :01:12.# Walking in a winter Wonderland Did you throw it?
:01:13. > :01:38.Mate you don't know where the Lyceum Theatre is? It's behind you! That is
:01:39. > :01:56.mate. LINEBREAK I know, I know. I'm sorry, I was in
:01:57. > :02:01.my hotel room, I didn't know we were starting, I'm going to get ready, so
:02:02. > :02:05.I will be on in a minute. This is a brilliant Christmas show, thank you
:02:06. > :02:11.for coming and being in the Christmas spirit, we are here,
:02:12. > :02:16.tomorrow is Christmas Eve, yes! I know. I sense the panic in the room
:02:17. > :02:27.there when all the men went "oh sheet I better go and buy
:02:28. > :02:31.something". Nothing says Christmas as a BBC Christmas show, and unless
:02:32. > :02:34.you have fabulous dancers and fabulous singers. I will see you in
:02:35. > :03:02.a second. # Walking in a winter Wonderland
:03:03. > :03:04.# Gone away # Is the bluebird
:03:05. > :03:07.# Here to stay # Is the new bird
:03:08. > :03:19.# He sings a love song # As we go along
:03:20. > :03:23.# Walking in a winter Wonderland # You'll say are you married
:03:24. > :03:27.# We 'll say no man # You can do the job if you're in
:03:28. > :03:32.town # Later on we 'll conspire
:03:33. > :03:35.# As we dream by the fire # To face unafraid
:03:36. > :03:43.# The plans that we have made # Walking in the winter Wonderland
:03:44. > :03:50.# In west can build a snowman # Pretend he's a circus clown
:03:51. > :03:52.# We 'll have lots of fun with Mr Snowman
:03:53. > :03:55.# Until the little kiddies # They knock him down
:03:56. > :03:59.# Later on we 'll conspire # As we dream by the fire
:04:00. > :04:01.# To face unafraid # The plans that we've made
:04:02. > :04:30.# Walking in the winter Wonderland. I can't get up! I can't get up, my
:04:31. > :04:34.leg's gone! Hey. Sorry about that, like always with the premature kick,
:04:35. > :04:37.you know what it's like, all the fellas know what it is like. Ladies
:04:38. > :04:46.and gentlemen please put your hands together for the Overtones. And of
:04:47. > :05:00.course the special round of applause for the Tiller Girls.
:05:01. > :05:09.Yeah, I know. When the BBC say do you want to do a Christmas know, s
:05:10. > :05:14.you know a show, you say yes, and what do you want in it, dancers. All
:05:15. > :05:18.over the country there is middle-aged men thinking I know what
:05:19. > :05:21.I want for Christmas. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
:05:22. > :05:30.show, it is Christmas, we are here. Are you excited! I have to be honest
:05:31. > :05:34.with you, I'm not! I tell you why I'm not, because I have teenage
:05:35. > :05:37.kids. When the BBC came to me and said we want you to do a Christmas
:05:38. > :05:41.show. I thought that would be brilliant, I want to do a Christmas
:05:42. > :05:44.show. The only thing is Christmas doesn't come in our house any more,
:05:45. > :05:49.because I have teenage kids. You know what it's leek, the magic is
:05:50. > :05:52.gone. Anyone with little kids it will be exciting for you. When you
:05:53. > :05:56.have teenage kids it is difficult. I remember when my oldest son came
:05:57. > :06:01.home and everything changed, he came home from school that day, he would
:06:02. > :06:04.have been about seven or eight, he said is it true what all the kids
:06:05. > :06:08.are saying in the playground. I said what are they saying? He said they
:06:09. > :06:15.are saying I have been lied to all my life and what I believe isn't
:06:16. > :06:19.really true. I had to sit him down and say, to be honest with you son,
:06:20. > :06:27.they're right, I'm not your real dad! I can't tell you how awkward
:06:28. > :06:31.that was, when he said no it was about Santa! And it is true, if you
:06:32. > :06:37.have got teenage kids it is a different things. Christmas to them
:06:38. > :06:41.is different. It is like living with Bob Geldof, there is always someone
:06:42. > :06:45.in the corner that needs a bath, when you say what do you want, and
:06:46. > :06:51.he says "I want you money, give me money"! They don't want presents
:06:52. > :06:56.they want money. Me and my missus said we don't do that year we will
:06:57. > :07:00.give them presents. With teenage boys you give them what they need,
:07:01. > :07:03.which isn't necessarily what they want. That is why all over this
:07:04. > :07:07.country this year teenage boys will get aftershave. And it is not
:07:08. > :07:13.because they shave, and they need to do something after they shave, it is
:07:14. > :07:17.because they stink! They do. Teenage boys have an aroma that just comes
:07:18. > :07:20.out of them, that unless you see them you don't know. You only notice
:07:21. > :07:25.it when there is pack of them. The individual can get way. But when you
:07:26. > :07:29.walk into a room that is full teenage boys, God that hits you in
:07:30. > :07:35.the face. Your eyes start melting, there is just this aroma that comes
:07:36. > :07:39.out of them that hits with hormone, desire, lust and potential
:07:40. > :07:45.disappointment. It just hangs on them. In fact, given teenagers,
:07:46. > :08:01.aftershave is just like spraying air freshener on Parmesan. One traditiia
:08:02. > :08:05.goes -- tradition that goes on at Christmas, men are supposed to buy
:08:06. > :08:10.their wives underwear, give me a cheer all the men that have bought
:08:11. > :08:14.their wives underwear at Christmas, and a cheer from those who have got
:08:15. > :08:20.it right? You lying bastard. Because you can't get it right, I don't do
:08:21. > :08:24.it any more, because it is a horrible situation, as man you just
:08:25. > :08:32.become a perv. We have all done t you end up in these underwear
:08:33. > :08:37.sections in marks and sensers and -- marks and sensers and stuff, and a
:08:38. > :08:44.girl comes up to help, and you were like, I was going to buy something
:08:45. > :08:50.for my weave they always go what size is she. And you always get that
:08:51. > :09:05.question, when well, is she my size? You stand there going, God I wish! A
:09:06. > :09:09.bit like that but not as pet! Pert! It is awful, women don't have that,
:09:10. > :09:15.if you want to buy men underwear, you don't walk into Next or Burtons
:09:16. > :09:22.and you pick up packet of underwear and someone goes, hello had love, is
:09:23. > :09:31.he packing like me or what! Now, for us, it has all changed, they get
:09:32. > :09:38.computer stuff, sexual the stuff you -- so all the stuff they do is gone,
:09:39. > :09:42.they take their computer games and run off, while you are trying to do
:09:43. > :09:50.the old things you do they don't do it. My youngest got Grand Theft Auto
:09:51. > :09:54.last year, do you know how hard it is when someone is dumping a hooker
:09:55. > :09:59.in the back of car they have set tire to they don't want to play
:10:00. > :10:04.Cludo! Last year I couldn't get him to eat the Christmas dinner, I said
:10:05. > :10:11.come down, he said he can't he's playing Angry Birds, I said there's
:10:12. > :10:16.a turkey with sage and onion up its arse how angry do you want the bird
:10:17. > :10:22.to be! So ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for a good night. We have
:10:23. > :10:26.a wonderful bill of entertainment, everyone on this line-up are friends
:10:27. > :10:29.of mine, they are people I want to bring here, and the first act that
:10:30. > :10:32.is coming on tonight is a close personal friend, I have known him
:10:33. > :10:35.ever since we were on the circuit together. He has always been a good
:10:36. > :10:42.friend to me. More than that he hauls been -- has always been one of
:10:43. > :10:58.the best comedians. Welcome to the stage the fabulous Jason Manford.
:10:59. > :11:07.Merry Christmas, John Bishop everybody. I love him. Wow, a Manc
:11:08. > :11:12.and Scouser on the same bill, I think they get grant for that! The
:11:13. > :11:17.great thing about Christmas, of course, is we get to threaten our
:11:18. > :11:21.children with it all year round. That's brilliant, Santa won't bring
:11:22. > :11:25.you any presents! That's classic. Some great techniques out there.
:11:26. > :11:30.Very hard to discipline kids, my mate told me this one, you know the
:11:31. > :11:35.alarm sensor that turns red when everyone moves the alarm one. What
:11:36. > :11:41.you want to do is tell them that's Santa Claus watching them! It works
:11:42. > :11:47.all year round! Who has used that, come on, be honest. There you go a
:11:48. > :11:55.few of them have used it, some are looking at me thinking tell me more
:11:56. > :12:02.Sensai. It works in my house for a few months, and then I found them at
:12:03. > :12:06.home showing it the Argos catalogue with the toy section open. It is so
:12:07. > :12:11.hard to discipline children, the reason it is hard to discipline your
:12:12. > :12:14.kids is their world is so small that little problems seem massive to
:12:15. > :12:20.them. We can't compute that because we have so many things going on. I
:12:21. > :12:26.was driving a few weeks back, I was on the motorway going 70 miles an
:12:27. > :12:31.hour to my nana, I have the twins in the back. Then my daughter it's like
:12:32. > :12:36.stop the car, stop the car daddy, and I'm like I can't I'm going 70
:12:37. > :12:40.miles an hour, and she's like daddy, daddy, please stop the car, I'm
:12:41. > :12:45.going too fast, I can't. Daddy stop the car, I'm trying to pull over
:12:46. > :12:50.now. Daddy stop the car, I get on the hard shoulder and put on the
:12:51. > :13:07.brake, I said what's the problem. She says THERE'S A LEAF ON MY SHOE!
:13:08. > :13:13.We just nearly killed 40 people there sweetheart! It is hard. You
:13:14. > :13:18.know about the naughty step, that doesn't work for me. I have a
:13:19. > :13:22.two-year-old as well as the two five-year-olds. She is amazing,
:13:23. > :13:25.people think she's brilliant, I think she's a bit odd to be honest
:13:26. > :13:29.with you. Two is a difficult age. Two years old you think they could
:13:30. > :13:34.be anything, a brain surgeon, could be a psychopath, no way of telling.
:13:35. > :13:40.Equally as proud as long as they try their best! Two years old is very
:13:41. > :13:44.difficult. I think she is a bit odd. She has weird things, she has not
:13:45. > :13:48.cried for about eight months. Isn't that weird? It is weird, isn't it.
:13:49. > :13:52.She is two, she should be crying every five minutes. She doesn't cry,
:13:53. > :13:56.and everyone else is like isn't she dead good she never cries, and I say
:13:57. > :14:02.don't leave me in the room with her. She has a touch of the Damiens about
:14:03. > :14:06.her! The other two pick on her, they have nasty techniques kids. You know
:14:07. > :14:13.the pinch and twist! Within they grab that bit of chubby arm, pinch
:14:14. > :14:20.it and twist it. Even if two blokes fighting in a pub car park and they
:14:21. > :14:30.did that, you would be like that is a bit low! They did the pinch and
:14:31. > :14:39.twist, she did this haah, haah, haah. : --... Everyone else is going
:14:40. > :14:48.isn't she good, I think she might kill us in our sleep! I think she
:14:49. > :14:51.might! She waited two days for revenge, two days for revenge, she
:14:52. > :14:56.wantered into the room, she saw the other two by themselves. She said
:14:57. > :15:00.are you watching Peppa Pig, she took them both out like a sniper, and
:15:01. > :15:07.wandered over to the naughty step and sat on it by herself! She sat on
:15:08. > :15:13.the naughty step by herself! Just sat there like that, it was worth
:15:14. > :15:15.it, it was worth it! Folks that's all from me, have a lovely
:15:16. > :15:37.Christmas. And happy new year. Fantastic, obviously what is
:15:38. > :15:41.happening now we are into the bit where we are well into Christmas.
:15:42. > :15:45.It's all happening, and this country changes at Christmas time, anyone in
:15:46. > :15:50.here who has kids who sends them to school will know that being a kid is
:15:51. > :15:54.not like it used to be now. They can't play conkers in school now,
:15:55. > :15:58.because of health and safety. Anyone goes out on roller skates needs to
:15:59. > :16:04.get pads on their elbows and the knees and wear a helmet because of
:16:05. > :16:09.health and safety. December comes, every town centres thinks, you know
:16:10. > :16:14.what, let's have an ice rink. A bleeding ice rink everywhere. When
:16:15. > :16:19.did we become ice-skaters, there is people falling on their arse all
:16:20. > :16:23.over the country at Christmas. And I noticed it as well, you have it in
:16:24. > :16:28.London, I went down on the South Bank last night and there is a loads
:16:29. > :16:33.of people in sheds selling shit! It is basically people in wooden sheds
:16:34. > :16:36.selling shit, and because it is Christmas you are buying. It is
:16:37. > :16:40.people in sheds, you would never go to someone in a shed, any other time
:16:41. > :16:47.of the year and go have you got any shit you want to sell! That's good,
:16:48. > :16:52.a wooden glockenspiel, that's what you do! Manchester has reportedly
:16:53. > :16:57.got the biggest German market in Britain. Where did the idea of a
:16:58. > :17:01.German market come from? Whose idea was it, because when you go to these
:17:02. > :17:07.German markets there is no Germans there, there is just fells law from
:17:08. > :17:11.Wigan -- fellas from Wigan trying to sell you sasauges. I love the fact
:17:12. > :17:17.that if there is a German market in Manchester, it must mean there is a
:17:18. > :17:25.Manc market in Germany, that must be fantastic, in Stuttgart there is a
:17:26. > :17:30.lot of Mancs going do you want sock, not even pair, just socks. Are you
:17:31. > :17:34.ready for the next act! You are going to enjoy the next person,
:17:35. > :17:39.recently crowned the funnyiest female in the country, and you will
:17:40. > :17:51.see why. Please welcome to the stage the fabulous Nina Conte!
:17:52. > :17:59.Hello everybody. Thank you very much. So I'm a ventriloquist, I like
:18:00. > :18:05.to get that out of the way. I was triumphing some renovations --
:18:06. > :18:09.having some renovations on the house for Christmas. I had a wonderful
:18:10. > :18:15.builder who came around and do wonderful things to the house, he
:18:16. > :18:21.was lovely and flirtatious, I missed him when he left and I turned him
:18:22. > :18:30.into a puppet. He's in the bag, I made him myself. Come on out and say
:18:31. > :18:34.hello. So, let's introduce you, you're from Poland? Somewhere like
:18:35. > :18:41.that. Don't make it difficult for yourself. Let's say I come from the
:18:42. > :18:48.mountains. From the mountains how lovely. Run away with me Nina. I
:18:49. > :18:55.can't I'm married? What a small detail! And I have children? I will
:18:56. > :19:00.give you more! I haven't time? I work very fast. I can't, I'm sorry,
:19:01. > :19:09.it's not going to happen? This is very strange. What's strange? She
:19:10. > :19:14.chats herself up! Then she turns herself down! I know. I will never
:19:15. > :19:21.understand women? It's not you it is me? I am you. I'm so sorry, I don't
:19:22. > :19:27.understand it, I feel like I'm doing all the work with you? It is true.
:19:28. > :19:31.You need help with the puppetry. I need help with the puppetry? Yes you
:19:32. > :19:37.need nice strong man to help you with it. You see somebody? Not yet,
:19:38. > :19:45.I'm looking for someone. They are looking away from you! Who will it
:19:46. > :19:50.be, gosh I wish I could see? Slim pickings tonight Nina. This guy,
:19:51. > :20:00.this guy. With the black V-neck. What's your name? Jacques. Come and
:20:01. > :20:06.join us. Thank you. Have you done any puppetry before? Not in so many
:20:07. > :20:11.words. No. If you could help me, what is the idea? I would like you
:20:12. > :20:19.to step into the trousers, I will bend over so you can enter me! This
:20:20. > :20:27.is good yes, you are doing well, how do you feel? I'm feeling pleasure.
:20:28. > :20:34.You really jumped in, can you do the arms? What is going on here.
:20:35. > :20:41.Pinocchio eat your bloody heart out! This is fantastic. Can I walk. Why
:20:42. > :20:55.have I got fingers growing out my elbow! Help me Nina! Guide him in
:20:56. > :21:02.Nina, he's a big one! My arms are broken look at this. Why am I like
:21:03. > :21:07.this. Don't worry, you take what you've got? Very nice. I guess you
:21:08. > :21:17.can gesture now when you talk? Yes I can. Run away with me Nina, to the
:21:18. > :21:24.mountains. Brilliant! And I shall make a fire for us. Like this.
:21:25. > :21:32.That's nice. What is it? I don't know! Plus people rub sticks
:21:33. > :21:40.together, not me. I fiddle around I rub my wrists together. So you have
:21:41. > :21:46.started a fire? I don't know! Yes I start it, I blowen to. So the fire
:21:47. > :21:57.is going. And then I shall kill a rabbit like this. That's how you
:21:58. > :22:13.kill a rabbit. I kill a rabbit like this! Is he dead? Not yet, he's just
:22:14. > :22:18.confused. I stamp on him and soon he will lose the will to live. I fiddle
:22:19. > :22:24.with it. What are you doing? I flatten him, I shake him. Why? I'm
:22:25. > :22:32.very confused! So he's there now? Yes I put him on the fire for us. To
:22:33. > :22:43.eat later! So that's dinner? While he cooks we dance. With Nina. I
:22:44. > :22:48.can't reach your arm. That's very nice, it is nice to dance with you.
:22:49. > :22:56.Pay no attention to the head behind my head. I'm going to have it
:22:57. > :23:02.removed. So now what? When the time is right, I shall show you my
:23:03. > :23:14.press-ups. What do you mean? Do press-ups backous. Jacques. On Nina,
:23:15. > :23:24.on Nina. Thank you, thank you. Stop it. Don't listen to her. I love you
:23:25. > :23:33.kiss me! You were fantastic thank you very much. Thank you very much.
:23:34. > :23:39.Thank you everybody. Have a very happy Christmas. Good night! Good
:23:40. > :23:55.night! Are you all right? I feel like a used prophylactic.
:23:56. > :24:01.Hey, I tell you what, what a night out you are having. Who have you
:24:02. > :24:05.come with? My wife! Your wife! You're going to be having a chat at
:24:06. > :24:08.home. I tell you what, there was a bit there I saw the screen that
:24:09. > :24:12.there were people who will turn this programme on not from the beginning,
:24:13. > :24:21.and when they look, there is part where you look like you were
:24:22. > :24:26.Twerking with the Polish builder. Where are you from? Frankfurt. Hence
:24:27. > :24:40.the whole sausage thing going on. Well done and what I will say, thank
:24:41. > :24:45.you for your markets! I can genuinely say, when you walked on
:24:46. > :24:50.the stage, every man in her went not bad. And when everyone saw what was
:24:51. > :24:55.happening in the end, everyone man went why wasn't it me! I have to say
:24:56. > :25:00.it is a time there that we all have to start thinking about other people
:25:01. > :25:06.and obviously I do a lot of work for charity, there is a lot of the acts
:25:07. > :25:09.do. At this time of year you get asked to do things. I did a charity
:25:10. > :25:13.act last week. One thing I will say, when you do any charity function you
:25:14. > :25:19.have always got to remember not everybody is there for a gig! Not
:25:20. > :25:25.every joke is funny. I stood on this little stage, I was doing a function
:25:26. > :25:28.for child traffics, it was a small charity, I stood up and said look
:25:29. > :25:33.I'm really pleased to be here because I think child trafficking is
:25:34. > :25:41.a serious problem. I have been stuck in traffic with children...
:25:42. > :25:43.LINEBREAK APPLAUSE And I have to be honest with you
:25:44. > :25:58.they do your bleeden head in. If I had known this charity had
:25:59. > :26:05.existed I wouldn't have left them on the M 6. Welcome to the stage, one
:26:06. > :26:07.of the finest jokesmith this country has produced, please welcome Tim
:26:08. > :26:21.Vine. Merry Christmas everybody. Merry
:26:22. > :26:26.Christmas. I have done a bit of last-minute shopping, I'm not sure I
:26:27. > :26:35.got such a good deal on the night vision goggles! Do you know I love
:26:36. > :26:38.Christmas, I live in an advent calendar. It is freezing at the
:26:39. > :26:44.moment because all the windows are open! Someone left a huge pile of
:26:45. > :26:49.mass seen in my dressing room, I don't know what to make of it! I had
:26:50. > :26:53.a friend taking the mickey out of me for having a pay as you go phone, so
:26:54. > :27:02.eventually I took out a contract, and I had him killed! I have a lot
:27:03. > :27:06.to get through! I said to this bloke, I said me and some friends
:27:07. > :27:12.have just been talking about you, he said you disgust me? And I said, yes
:27:13. > :27:19.we did! Christmas is all about family, you know, the first thing my
:27:20. > :27:22.mum said to me when I was born, she said, ahhh, I was expecting you. I
:27:23. > :27:26.looked outside the window and I saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower
:27:27. > :27:31.crying his eyes out, I said what's up with him, she said he's just
:27:32. > :27:39.going through a rough patch! You see I've got a chicken-proof lawn, it's
:27:40. > :27:46.im-peck-able. Only two people clapped that one! This chicken came
:27:47. > :27:51.up to me and said I can't mind my eggs he said you have probably
:27:52. > :27:55.mis-laid them. Still two but they are moving around the room. My dad's
:27:56. > :28:02.sister walked into the room spinning around in circles and I thought, oh
:28:03. > :28:06.my giddy aunt! Burglars are getting very clever, I was in bed last
:28:07. > :28:10.night, my wife woke me up and said I think there's a burglar downstairs
:28:11. > :28:14.can you check. I went downstairs and looked in every room and there was
:28:15. > :28:18.nobody there. Suddenly I remembered, I haven't got a wife! That's all
:28:19. > :28:31.from me, good night! Ladies and gentlemen Tim Vine. I
:28:32. > :28:35.have got a real treat for you now. A young man who I met a couple of
:28:36. > :28:39.years ago playing football, he was in a park he had no friends i
:28:40. > :28:44.decided to befriend him! It is one of the best things I have ever done.
:28:45. > :28:47.If anyone this year is looking to do one of those charity things where
:28:48. > :28:52.you adopt a child, that is what I did. I adopted a small boy in Essex,
:28:53. > :28:55.and he became an international popstar, ladies and gentlemen please
:28:56. > :29:11.welcome to the stage the fabulous Olly purse. -- Murs.
:29:12. > :29:16.# Come on come on # I'm right I'm wrong
:29:17. > :29:21.# When I'm wrong I say # We always have the good and bad
:29:22. > :29:33.# That will never change # This is the closest
:29:34. > :29:36.# I've ever been oh yeah # We give we take
:29:37. > :29:39.# We mend we break # So the cycle goes
:29:40. > :29:42.# We're doing well # We've been through hell
:29:43. > :29:49.# Only heaven knows # How far we get to
:29:50. > :29:54.# Thank God I met you though # And if you don't know
:29:55. > :30:00.# Just put your hand on my heart # And put your hand on my heart
:30:01. > :30:05.# And I don't have to say it # And I don't have to think it
:30:06. > :30:16.# Just put your hand on my heart # Put your hand on my heart
:30:17. > :30:18.# You'll know # Come on come on
:30:19. > :30:22.# Because you're the one # That I want for myself
:30:23. > :30:26.# The strength you give # I want to live
:30:27. > :30:38.# Inside our little shell # Nothing comes close to
:30:39. > :30:42.# Nothing's supposed to yeah # Because you have your doubts
:30:43. > :30:48.# The same way I do # When you're sitting in my love
:30:49. > :30:54.# That's the truth # Just put your hand on my heart
:30:55. > :31:01.# And I don't have to say it # And I don't have to think it
:31:02. > :31:09.# Just put your hand on my heart # Put your hand hand on my heart
:31:10. > :31:12.# And you'll know # When you don't feel that you're
:31:13. > :31:17.strong enough # To make it
:31:18. > :31:23.# When life treats you hard # You don't feel you can take it
:31:24. > :31:30.# When you don't know where to stand # You're close to breaking
:31:31. > :31:37.# Just put your hand on my heart # Put your hand on my heart
:31:38. > :31:44.# And I don't have to say it # And I don't have to fake it
:31:45. > :31:51.# Just put your hand on my heart # Put your hand on my heart
:31:52. > :31:59.# You know # Put your hand on my heart
:32:00. > :32:05.# And I don't have to say it # And I don't have to think it
:32:06. > :32:08.# Just put your hand on my heart # Just put your hand on my arse and
:32:09. > :32:29.you'll know! Ladies and gentlemen what can I say
:32:30. > :32:33.Olly Murs. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the
:32:34. > :32:48.fabulous David oh All right then people, this is it,
:32:49. > :32:53.this is the final gig, I have this year. It is nice to be doing it
:32:54. > :32:57.here, in London. I come to London quite a bit. I mostly come here to
:32:58. > :33:07.do my graffiti. You will know my tag, I do two parallel lines beside
:33:08. > :33:18.the path! Joke 1. How do you contact dead single ladies, you have a
:33:19. > :33:21.se-onyce. That is the best joke I have written this year, if you
:33:22. > :33:27.didn't like the joke you are in for a long six hours. This is a huge gig
:33:28. > :33:34.for me, this is the oldest I have ever been doing anything! I became
:33:35. > :33:40.37 this year, it's fine, it is a good age. I was 36 first time I was
:33:41. > :33:43.the same age I was as my waist. Let's hope that never happens again.
:33:44. > :33:50.35 is the age you have to look out for. 35-year-old men are the
:33:51. > :33:56.sleaziest and the wrong-uns. Most of the bad stuff in mankind was done by
:33:57. > :34:00.35-year-old men. Hitler, let's not forget was 35... For a while. You
:34:01. > :34:04.have to watch them. If you are in a nightclub and there is a guidancing
:34:05. > :34:08.on his own, that's fine, then word gets out he's 35, immediately it
:34:09. > :34:14.becomes look it's disgusting, look where his hands are, cover your
:34:15. > :34:18.drinks! If word gets out he's 37 and still dancing, "legend", double
:34:19. > :34:22.legend. All right then, let's do this thing. This song is called
:34:23. > :34:34.life. # Life, life
:34:35. > :34:40.# Livy livy life # Life, life, life
:34:41. > :34:43.# Life # No
:34:44. > :34:49.# Oh no actually it's OK # Oh no it's not
:34:50. > :34:54.# Oh God no you're not # No ahhhh
:34:55. > :34:57.# No ahhh # Then you die
:34:58. > :35:00.# Life is a marathon # Not a sprint
:35:01. > :35:04.# But it's a sort of marathon # That you have to sprint
:35:05. > :35:07.# And there's hurdles and # Weights to lift
:35:08. > :35:10.# And cycling # And Archie
:35:11. > :35:12.# Life is basically the Olympics # But at the end you don't get a
:35:13. > :35:16.medal # You die!
:35:17. > :35:21.# Life what are you # Are you just the accumulation of
:35:22. > :35:23.mobile phone chargers and reusable shopping bags
:35:24. > :35:27.# Current total nine of one # Almost 40 of the other
:35:28. > :35:30.# I will never need that many shopping bags
:35:31. > :35:36.# In my entire life # Now they are all stewed
:35:37. > :35:40.# In one cupboard and they all avalanche on top of me
:35:41. > :35:46.# Leading to situation where they could suffocate me
:35:47. > :35:53.# How ironic to be killed by a "bag for life"
:35:54. > :35:57.# Life is like going out from Amelie from the movie Amelie
:35:58. > :36:02.# On the surface it should be satisfying but it is annoying
:36:03. > :36:06.# Did you sort out the direct debit # For the Internet
:36:07. > :36:10.# No, because I took the piece of paper
:36:11. > :36:12.# Made a boat and put it on the river
:36:13. > :36:15.# It floated awhich # She's really annoying
:36:16. > :36:21.# Life is hard # It is not said RAUFRN enough.
:36:22. > :36:27.There is no songs about how hard life is like, I'm Walking On Sun
:36:28. > :36:32.Shine, all songs should have a reference to how hard life is should
:36:33. > :36:37.be the same # Happy birthday to you
:36:38. > :36:41.# Uhhhh # Age ain't nothing but a number
:36:42. > :36:44.# But it is also an accurate # Barometer to how old you are
:36:45. > :36:47.# There is brilliant bits # Where you see someone you haven't
:36:48. > :36:50.seen for a while # Or you get drunk unexpectedly
:36:51. > :36:54.# Or Christmas # You go for a cycle with the wind
:36:55. > :36:56.behind # Or watch an amazing piece of
:36:57. > :37:02.television # Or come to an incredible gig
:37:03. > :37:05.# You go back outside again # And find someone set your bike on
:37:06. > :37:08.fire # That happened to me recently
:37:09. > :37:13.# That is not a metaphor # It happened to me this year
:37:14. > :37:21.# Why would you set my bike on fire # How do you even set a bike on fire
:37:22. > :37:26.# And it was raining! # Oh-oh Dublin
:37:27. > :37:30.# Somewhere over the rainbow # I bet life is just exactly as hard
:37:31. > :37:32.as it is # On this side of the rainbow
:37:33. > :37:40.# On that side # You can't even see the rainbow
:37:41. > :37:44.# It is an optical illusion # Caused by water
:37:45. > :37:47.# Maybe it is more homophobic on the other side
:37:48. > :37:50.# Of the rainbow # Let's stay on this side
:37:51. > :37:52.# Let's all of us #2014
:37:53. > :38:00.# Let's just have a really nice time!
:38:01. > :38:08.The fabulous David O' Doherty. When the BBC were talking to me about
:38:09. > :38:12.putting this show together. And they wanted to recreate that big feel we
:38:13. > :38:17.used to get at Christmas, I said, yes, and this has nothing to do with
:38:18. > :38:23.wanting to entertain the nation, this is to do with living out a
:38:24. > :38:28.fantasy that I had. When I was about 12 and I was watching the telly, and
:38:29. > :38:33.Morecambe and Wise came on and the Tiller Girls came on, with the
:38:34. > :38:39.feather dancers and Angela Rippon danced with him, I thought if there
:38:40. > :38:45.was ever a chance in my life and I can have my own troupe of Tillers,
:38:46. > :38:50.that is not an easy thing do. I have been to Amsterdam, there is not as
:38:51. > :38:54.many girls there with feather as you might think. For your enjoyment
:38:55. > :39:04.tonight, please welcome back to the stage the fabulous Tiller Girls.
:39:05. > :39:17.# All I want for Christmas. # Is you
:39:18. > :39:23.# I don't want a lot more Christmas there is just one thing I need
:39:24. > :39:30.# I don't care about the presents # Underneath the Christmas tree
:39:31. > :39:35.# I don't need to hang my stocking # Upon the fireplace
:39:36. > :39:40.# Santa Claus # Won't make me happy
:39:41. > :39:45.# Leaving a toy on Christmas Day # I just want you for my own
:39:46. > :39:53.# More than you could ever know # Make my wish come true
:39:54. > :40:01.# All I want for Christmas #
:40:02. > :40:07.I have to be honest, I was supposed to go off then, but I had to stay
:40:08. > :40:12.and watch. I have been watching you and I watched you in rehearsals, I
:40:13. > :40:18.would love a go. Can I have a go of your feathers love. You have your
:40:19. > :40:24.own! Don't get carried away, we genuinely haven't rehearsed this.
:40:25. > :40:30.Perfect. There you go. Oh look, you have all styled yourselves on Boris
:40:31. > :40:39.Johnson, very nice! OK. So we go up with the right. And flip is under
:40:40. > :40:46.the chin! Gorgeous. Take that one all the w round in a big circle.
:40:47. > :40:54.Perfect. That's the second move, the third move. Is this the turkey! It
:40:55. > :41:02.is now. Third move, up with the right up with the left, and a big
:41:03. > :41:13.fan rainbow! Hey you don't get this in Germany do you, stick your
:41:14. > :41:15.marketses up your arse claim --! Are we doing something. Join us. Right
:41:16. > :41:39.OK! All I want for Chris
:41:40. > :41:46.# Is You # I don't want a lot for Christmas
:41:47. > :41:49.# There is just one thing I need # And I don't care about the
:41:50. > :41:57.presents # Underneath the Christmas tree
:41:58. > :42:03.# I just need to hang my stocking # Upon the fireplace
:42:04. > :42:05.# Santa Claus can't make me happy # Leaving a toy under the Christmas
:42:06. > :42:14.tree # I just want to have you for my own
:42:15. > :42:16.# More than you could know # Make my wish come true
:42:17. > :42:41.# All I want for Christmas is you Angela Rippon, eat your heart out!
:42:42. > :42:45.What do you think you're doing! I was dancing? Come on John, everybody
:42:46. > :42:58.knows that's my Christmas party trick. Well I was... Tell you what,
:42:59. > :43:03.if you are going to start invading my territory, I'm going to nick a
:43:04. > :43:09.bit of yours! Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for me to introduce a
:43:10. > :43:13.proper geezer, he's actually one of my favourite comic, me and this lad
:43:14. > :43:20.we have worked the circuit for years. And's just another
:43:21. > :43:23.working-class lad done-good. Although as a Scouser I can't
:43:24. > :43:26.actually understand a word he's saying, so will you please welcome,
:43:27. > :43:47.ladies and gentlemen, Lee Nelson. All right tonight people? Yes. I
:43:48. > :43:53.don't want to intimidate any of the fellas here. But I once lasted with
:43:54. > :43:59.a girl for an hour and three minutes! Yeah! It was cheating a
:44:00. > :44:10.little bit, it was the night the clubs went back! -- clocks went
:44:11. > :44:15.back. Good to be here tonight, man, lovely to see such a mixed bunch of
:44:16. > :44:20.people, man. We have the younger generation, we have the older
:44:21. > :44:25.generation, legends over here. Let's say hello to an older generation
:44:26. > :44:31.legend. How are you doing geezer. Hello geezer, can I ask how old is
:44:32. > :44:43.you? Sorry? How old are you? Can you remember! ? What's that? 57. 57...
:44:44. > :44:56.You might be able to get away with that on-line! I have got a lot of
:44:57. > :45:01.respect for the older generation, I think older generation sort of care
:45:02. > :45:06.more about society in a lot of ways. They contribute more, they do more
:45:07. > :45:10.things. Sort of I, I don't know, vote or something... Do you vote,
:45:11. > :45:18.are you the sort of geezer that votes? Yes. Older generation legend.
:45:19. > :45:36.Can I ask who you voted for? Tories. Tories, Tories... I'm talking about
:45:37. > :45:40.the X Factor c! What an idiot! Who else had a have we got in the house
:45:41. > :45:44.tonight. I bet we have all sorts of people. Northern legends give us a
:45:45. > :45:49.cheer. Love it, I love the banter that we have the north-south banter,
:45:50. > :45:53.it is a giggle. That is what makes the UK great, we have a sense of
:45:54. > :45:57.humour, we don't take ourselves too seriously. The true things is what
:45:58. > :45:59.you think about a city depends on whether you live in that city. That
:46:00. > :46:04.is the truth of the matter. Everyone who don't live in Birmingham what do
:46:05. > :46:11.we say about Birmingham, we say Birmingham is... Shit. People who
:46:12. > :46:23.live in Birmingham say Birmingham is... ..-h-i-t-e! People moan,
:46:24. > :46:28.people moan about the UK, but this is the best place, innit. This is
:46:29. > :46:31.the best place, we should be well happy we is living. Couple of lads
:46:32. > :46:41.over there look at them lads over there. Are you born in the UK geze?
:46:42. > :46:46.Yeah. A night out in this country, you are born in this country, you go
:46:47. > :46:53.out innit. You have ten pints, innit, a curry innit? Went to a
:46:54. > :46:58.comedy night, loved t went out afterwards for a drink, your mate
:46:59. > :47:03.Dave knocked into someone, spilled a drink, bit of a scrap, black eye,
:47:04. > :47:08.giggles. Let's say you were born in America, how different your night be
:47:09. > :47:36.innit? You go out, you would have one pint! Ten curries! Went to a
:47:37. > :47:40.comedy night, didn't get it! APPLAUSE
:47:41. > :47:45.Go out for a drink afterwards, your mate Todd, knocks into someone,
:47:46. > :47:52.spills their milkshake, and they shoot him in the face! Americans,
:47:53. > :47:55.they have got a gun problem. We have Yankees in the house tonight, give
:47:56. > :48:01.us a cheer tonight Americans. Give us a little wave. Over there
:48:02. > :48:08.sweetiepie. Abouts in America are you from, do you know? You lot have
:48:09. > :48:11.a gun problem innit? They have got a gun problem, the Americans don't
:48:12. > :48:16.realise, they don't understand the link between lots and lots of people
:48:17. > :48:26.having guns and lots and lots of people getting shot! How can we
:48:27. > :48:31.explain it to her! ? All right, if I was to give you a mobile telephone,
:48:32. > :48:54.do you think you would be more or less likely to make a telephone
:48:55. > :48:59.call! ? She still hasn't got it! I like America, I have an American
:49:00. > :49:08.uncle, well, he's English but he is well fat! To be fair to the
:49:09. > :49:13.Americans, Canadians have got just as many guns as the Americans. But
:49:14. > :49:19.Canadians don't kill nearly as many people. Now my fear is, Justin
:49:20. > :49:29.Bieber is Canadian and they are all saving their ammo! People, I have to
:49:30. > :49:36.get going man, I have to get back to my little boy. He's in the car! You
:49:37. > :49:49.have been massive bunch of legends thank you. Lee Nelson, it is not
:49:50. > :49:53.often I get a chance to impress my teenage kids as a dad. I take them
:49:54. > :49:57.to see Liverpool, they say, it is just a football game. I wrote an
:49:58. > :50:03.autobiography and included them in it. One of my sons said an
:50:04. > :50:08.autobiography is just a "selfie" with words. But when I told them who
:50:09. > :50:12.the next act was, it was the first time ever they said dad, we have to
:50:13. > :50:14.come to the gig. Ladies and gentlemen with one of the biggest
:50:15. > :50:23.hits of the year, please welcome to the stage, the fabulous Ellie
:50:24. > :50:25.Goulding. # We don't have to worry about
:50:26. > :50:33.nothing # Because we got the fire
:50:34. > :50:36.# And we're burning one hell of a something
:50:37. > :50:39.# They # They're gonna see us from outer
:50:40. > :50:42.space # Outer space light up
:50:43. > :50:43.# Like we're the stars of the human race
:50:44. > :50:51.# Human race # When the lights going down
:50:52. > :50:58.# They don't know what they heard # And giving love to the world
:50:59. > :51:03.# We 'll be raising our hands # Shouting up to the sky
:51:04. > :51:05.# Because we got the fire, fire, fire
:51:06. > :51:08.# Yeah we got the fire, fire, fire # And we're gonna let it burn, burn,
:51:09. > :51:11.burn # We're gonna let it burn, burn,
:51:12. > :51:14.burn # We're gonna let it burn, burn,
:51:15. > :51:18.burn # We're gonna let it...
:51:19. > :51:22.# We don't know # We just want to be right now
:51:23. > :51:27.# Right here # And while we see
:51:28. > :51:30.# Is everybody's on the floor # Getting it the music
:51:31. > :51:33.# I'm waking up # We start the fire
:51:34. > :51:37.# And we're burning up # It's over now
:51:38. > :51:45.# We got the light # When the light's going down
:51:46. > :51:49.# They don't know where what we see # Playing it down
:51:50. > :51:55.# Giving love to the world # Where he We 'll be raising our
:51:56. > :51:59.hands # Shouting up to the fire
:52:00. > :52:03.# Because we got the # Fire, fire, fire
:52:04. > :52:07.# And we're gonna let it # Burn, burn, burn
:52:08. > :52:12.# We're gonna let it burn, burn, burn
:52:13. > :52:19.# We're gonna let it # When it the lights going down
:52:20. > :52:22.# We don't know what thank we're there
:52:23. > :52:31.# Giving love to the world # And we're gonna let it burn
:52:32. > :52:41.# We can light up, up, up # So they can put it out, out, out
:52:42. > :52:43.# We can light it up, up, up # Yeah
:52:44. > :52:50.# When the light's going down # They don't know what they heard
:52:51. > :52:55.# Giving love to the world # We 'll be raising our hands
:52:56. > :52:58.# Shining up to the sky # Because we got the fire, fire,
:52:59. > :53:01.fire # We got the
:53:02. > :53:08.# Fire, fire, fire # And we're gonna let it burn, burn,
:53:09. > :53:14.burn # We're gonna let it burn, burn,
:53:15. > :53:19.burn member when --
:53:20. > :53:26.# When the light's going down # They don't know what they heard
:53:27. > :53:29.# Giving love to the world LINEBREAK # We 'll be raising our hands
:53:30. > :53:32.# Shining up to the sky # Because we got the fire, fire,
:53:33. > :53:54.fire # Yeah we got the fire, fire, fire
:53:55. > :53:59.# We're gonna let it burn APPLAUSE Please welcome back one of the best
:54:00. > :54:06.one-liners this country has ever produced, Tim Vine!
:54:07. > :54:20.I would like to start with a quick impression! (Laughs) that's Santa
:54:21. > :54:26.Claus in his early 20s. But I love playing games at Christmas, the
:54:27. > :54:31.other day I ate a chess set, I took it back to the shop it was horrible,
:54:32. > :54:37.I said it is stalemate. He said are you sure, I said check mate! A bloke
:54:38. > :54:40.came up to me and said I just spilt my scrabble set on the road, I said
:54:41. > :54:47.what's the word on the street. He said I can't think of a another word
:54:48. > :54:54.for stitch and I said is that sew! He began throwing words that began
:54:55. > :54:58.with "th" I managed to dodge this, there, then but I didn't see that
:54:59. > :55:04.coming. Blind man's bluff is when you find someone who is blind and
:55:05. > :55:09.then you polish them! I got a new job, helping out a one-armed typist,
:55:10. > :55:22.whenever she wants to do capital letters. It is shift work! So I was
:55:23. > :55:27.working in health food shop, this bloke won't in and said evening
:55:28. > :55:39.primrose oil, and I said Mr Vine to you! He said soya chunks? I said you
:55:40. > :55:45.shouldn't have been looking! This farmer came up to me and said I have
:55:46. > :55:54.68 sheep can you round them up for me, I said, sure, 70! I said to this
:55:55. > :56:02.bloke, I said I just got a job in this windscreen wiper factory, he
:56:03. > :56:06.said do you enjoy t and said mhmmmhmm. Merry Christmas to you
:56:07. > :56:13.all. No Christmas show would be complete
:56:14. > :56:21.without a Christmas song. Welcome back to the stage Olly Murs.
:56:22. > :56:29.# When the snowman brings the snow # Well he might just like to know
:56:30. > :56:37.# He's put a great big smile # On somebody's face
:56:38. > :56:43.# And if you jump into your bed # Quickly cover up your head
:56:44. > :56:47.# Don't you light the doors # You know that sweet Santa Claus is
:56:48. > :56:54.on his way # Well I wish it could be Christmas
:56:55. > :57:00.every day # When the kids start singing
:57:01. > :57:06.# And the band begins to play # Oh I wish it could be Christmas
:57:07. > :57:13.every day # So let the bells ring out
:57:14. > :57:23.# For Christmas # Ladies and gentlemen welcome back
:57:24. > :57:29.Thank you, you were a pleasure for me, please thank you for coming, but
:57:30. > :57:39.please welcome back all the comedians that you saw tonight.
:57:40. > :57:44.Ellie Goulding, the Overtone, the Tiller Girls, and of course Olly
:57:45. > :57:49.Murs. # I wish it to be Christmas every
:57:50. > :57:54.day # When the kids start singing
:57:55. > :58:01.# And the band begins to play # Oh I wish it could be
:58:02. > :58:09.# Christmas every day # So let the bells
:58:10. > :58:15.# Ring out for Christmas # Well I wish it could be Christmas
:58:16. > :58:21.# Every day # When the kids start singing
:58:22. > :58:26.# And the band begins to play # Well I wish it could be a
:58:27. > :58:30.Christmas # Every day
:58:31. > :58:43.# So let the bells # Ring out for Christmas
:58:44. > :58:53.# Why don't you give # Your love
:58:54. > :58:55.# For Christmas