0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Just hear those sleigh bells jingling
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Ring ting tingling too
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# Come on, it's lovely weather
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# For a sleigh ride together with you
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling "Yoo hoo"
0:00:18 > 0:00:20- # Come on, it's lovely weather - Kylie!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23- # For a sleigh ride together with you - Kylie!- Hi, John.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up let's go
0:00:25 > 0:00:26Oh, thank you.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28- # Let's look at the show - Call me!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# We're riding in a wonderland of snow
0:00:32 > 0:00:34# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up it's grand
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# Just holding your hand
0:00:36 > 0:00:40# We're gliding along with a song of a wintry fairy land
0:00:40 > 0:00:42# Our cheeks are nice and rosy
0:00:42 > 0:00:44# And comfy cosy are we
0:00:44 > 0:00:49# We're snuggled up together like birds of a feather would be
0:00:49 > 0:00:53# Let's take the road before us and sing a chorus or two
0:00:53 > 0:00:57# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
0:00:57 > 0:01:02# Let's take the road before us and sing a chorus or two
0:01:02 > 0:01:05# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you
0:01:05 > 0:01:11# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you. #
0:01:11 > 0:01:13CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up let's go
0:01:21 > 0:01:23# Let's look at the show
0:01:23 > 0:01:27# We're riding in a wonderland of snow
0:01:27 > 0:01:30# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up It's grand
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# Just holding your hand
0:01:32 > 0:01:36# We're riding along with a song of a wintry fairy land
0:01:36 > 0:01:40# Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cosy are we
0:01:40 > 0:01:44# We're snuggled up together like birds of a feather would be
0:01:44 > 0:01:48# Let's take the road before us and sing a chorus or two
0:01:48 > 0:01:54# Come on, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you. #
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Hey!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Merry Christmas, everyone!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Welcome to the show!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10# Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cosy are we. #
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Please, put your hands together for the John Bishop Dancers!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:02:20 > 0:02:22How are you?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24CHEERING
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Welcome to the show.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Thank you for coming.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Thank you for coming. It's Christmas!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Are you excited?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Well, I am.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I am, cos this year has been a massive year for me.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39It's one of those times, Christmas, isn't it,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42when you step back and you go, "What did I do this year?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46"What changed this year? Is my life better this year?"
0:02:46 > 0:02:48And this year I did something huge.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53This year I renewed my wedding vows.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Yeah. I know. I know.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Every lady in the room just went, "Aw."
0:03:02 > 0:03:06And every man just went, "Nob!"
0:03:06 > 0:03:09No, I did, I did. I renewed me wedding vows cos I've been married...
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I've been married to Melanie now for 23 years on and off.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18No, I did cos I've been married to Melanie now for 23 years.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22We've been together for about 26, 27 and, looking around this room,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25there'll be people in this room who have been in a long-term
0:03:25 > 0:03:27relationship and you'll know what I know.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30After 20-odd years with somebody,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33there is that moment where you both stop
0:03:33 > 0:03:37and look at each other in the eyes and go...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39JOHN SIGHS
0:03:46 > 0:03:48JOHN SIGHS
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Well, you want to carry on, then, or what?
0:03:52 > 0:03:53That's basically...
0:03:53 > 0:03:55We've reached that point where I said,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"Well, you know what we should do? We should renew our wedding vows."
0:03:58 > 0:04:00So we went, we went...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Aw. - I know. I know.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05We went to Sweden to the Ice... Yes.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07That's it. Got a few quid now.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12We went to Sweden to this place called the Ice Hotel,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14which is a hotel
0:04:14 > 0:04:17made of ice.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20And it is. And every year they build it out the frozen lake.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22And they build this hotel and we went there
0:04:22 > 0:04:24and next to the hotel they've got a chapel
0:04:24 > 0:04:27that also they build out of ice.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And we went there, just the two of us,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31and there was a bloke there with a coat on.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I don't know if he was a priest, but he did the job anyway.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38That was great.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41And then we come outside and I said, "You know what we're going to do?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43"We're going do something really, really special.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46"Something that we've both wanted to do all of our lives.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48"Something ultimately romantic."
0:04:50 > 0:04:52We got a dog sled ride.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56And we rode it across a frozen lake,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59so that we could go to the forest and see the Northern Lights.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01AUDIENCE: Ah!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Again, all the women are going, "Aw."
0:05:04 > 0:05:06And all the fellas are going, "Nob."
0:05:08 > 0:05:10But we did, cos it's something we've always wanted to do.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12And I'll tell you what.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14It sometimes shows. You know when you plan something?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16You shouldn't plan it too much.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19You've got to be careful what you wish for because for us it was romantic.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22We sat in the sled. We got skins put on us
0:05:22 > 0:05:26and then a Swedish man got on the sled behind us
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and there was 12 dogs in front of us.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29And then he went, "Higga!"
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Or words to that effect.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36He went, "Higga," and then these dogs started running across
0:05:36 > 0:05:39the frozen lake and, as we're going through the still of the night,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42with stars everywhere around us,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44one thing they don't tell you
0:05:44 > 0:05:47is that the dogs don't know when they're going to work.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51So they've not always been the loo
0:05:51 > 0:05:52before they start running.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57And when there's 12 of them and one of them wants to go to the toilet,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59the other 11 aren't going to stop.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04There's nothing kills a romantic moment
0:06:04 > 0:06:06like trying to dodge flying dog poo!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Cos you sit there like that.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13We sat there like that and, honest to God,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17this dog poo's coming towards us. We're like that.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And because we've only just renewed our vows,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21we were actually looking after each other
0:06:21 > 0:06:24cos I know if it hadn't had been after we renewed our vows,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27she would have put me in front and hid behind me.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30And it was. So we're going through this forest with all this dog poo
0:06:30 > 0:06:35flying around and it just shows you how middle class I've become,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38cos there's all the dog poo flying around, all I was thinking is,
0:06:38 > 0:06:40"Is anyone going to pick that up?"
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Are you ready for your first act?
0:06:52 > 0:06:53AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:06:53 > 0:06:57It gives me enormous pleasure to bring this lady to the stage.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I was around the comedy circuit in the North West
0:06:59 > 0:07:03when she started and it was clear, right from the beginning,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06she was going to be one of the biggest comedy stars in Britain.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the unmistakable
0:07:10 > 0:07:13and brilliant Sarah Millican.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Ah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Hello.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Aw. Thank you very much.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- WOLF WHISTLE - Oh, me Dad's in!
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Thank you very much.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38It's lovely to be here. I'm excited for Christmas.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40This year, just my husband and I at home.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43It's going to be really nice, I think, just the two of us.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45We recently moved to the countryside,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47having lived in the city centre for quite a long time.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49We moved to the countryside, but there are three things that
0:07:49 > 0:07:52freak me out about living in the countryside.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53The first thing... Now, you know pheasants?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55You know pheasants? Pheasants.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59I don't know if you know, but there's two makes of pheasant.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01There's the one that we all know,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03and there's another one that is upright
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and running around and alive.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Second thing that freaks me out about living in the countryside.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I can't always tell if it's an owl hooting or my husband's asthma.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I woke him up the other night cos I thought I could hear an owl
0:08:20 > 0:08:23and as soon as I woke him up it stopped.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28Hee-hoo. Hee-hoo. Hee-hoo.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32And the third thing that freaks me out about living in the countryside
0:08:32 > 0:08:34is I sometimes forget that the television is reflected
0:08:34 > 0:08:36in the conservatory
0:08:36 > 0:08:38and I think Eamonn Holmes is in the garden.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44He's a perfectly nice man but he was not bloody invited!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49We've got a dog that's quite a recent addition.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51We've had him about eight months and he's very sweet.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53We got some dog books cos we thought
0:08:53 > 0:08:56we should probably learn about dogs, having never had a dog before.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58But the dog books don't tell you everything, do they?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00No, you have to learn some things yourself.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03One of the things I learnt myself was... Like, I knew that when he did
0:09:03 > 0:09:06a poo I'd have to pick it up and bag it. You know, and put it in the bin.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I knew that cos I live in the world. I know how the world works.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I also knew that when I picked it up it would smell. It's a shit.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13I'm not a bloody idiot.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17But what I was not prepared for was the heat.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And it was a mixed emotion for me
0:09:26 > 0:09:30because half of me is dry retching at the warmth in my hand
0:09:30 > 0:09:32and the other half is reminded, well, it's like
0:09:32 > 0:09:35when you get a pasty that's just right from Greggs.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Another thing I didn't learn from a dog book is that when you
0:09:47 > 0:09:49walk the dog and you've got a full poo bag -
0:09:49 > 0:09:51you haven't found a bin yet -
0:09:51 > 0:09:54you should always keep that in the same hand as the dog lead.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Always. You should always have a spare hand.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I learnt this the hard way.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Was walking the dog. I had a full poo bag in one hand, the dog lead in
0:10:02 > 0:10:04the other hand,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06and then my glasses started to slide down me nose.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Nobody needs a turd to clonk off their cheek, do they?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17No. No.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Well, we've been together, even though we've only been married for two years,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27we've been together for ten and I think...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I think things are different when you're in a long-term relationship.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35I think that, you know the chat that you have before the sex?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36You know the chat?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38The chat?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Sometimes during the sex.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Never at the end. Never at the end.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Just night-night. That's it.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I think if you've been together a long time that chat should
0:10:48 > 0:10:50come with terms and conditions.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53So if you say something like,
0:10:53 > 0:10:58"You can do whatever you want to me,"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01what you really mean is, "Of the four things we normally do."
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Or, "Within the parameters we've already set."
0:11:10 > 0:11:12But we mostly agree on things, my husband and I.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Every now and again we have a disagreement and I think that's perfectly normal.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I think that's absolutely fine.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20One of the things we've disagreed on recently is, I've a new theory.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25I have a theory that men retain different information to women.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29I think the information that men retain is what I would call
0:11:29 > 0:11:31useless.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35And the information that women retain is what I would call useful.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Now, I've devised a short quiz that I put my husband through
0:11:38 > 0:11:39and I'm going to talk you through it now.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I've kept my notebook in my bra, so if you bear with us a second.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44This is all glamorous, isn't it?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Hold on a minute. No, that's a Hobnob.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50There we go, I've got it. Got it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52It's a little bit sweaty.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54So, there are two rounds to the quiz,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56the Useless Round followed by the Useful Round.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00If you do know any of the answers to the questions, please join in. We'll have a bit of fun.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02So, the first one, just three questions in each.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04The first one, the Useless Round. Number one.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Who was the manager of Aston Villa in 2005?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Does anybody know the answer to that?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14It was David O'Leary. My husband got it correct. Well done, him.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Number two. How far did the Dow Jones fall
0:12:17 > 0:12:19on the 19th October, 1987?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Anybody know?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25My husband said it was 508 points and he got it exactly right.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Two to him.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Number three, the final question in the Useless Round.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Name the female doctor in Star Trek, Next Generation, Series One.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Does anybody know? Somebody... Exactly right.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Somebody over there said Beverly Crusher.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Well done, it was Beverly Crusher.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Excellent. Yes, you can clap. Well done. You got one.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Now we move on to the Useful Round.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Which one is the tumble drier?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58My husband said, "The white one."
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I said, "They're all bloody white."
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Number two. How do you know when it's time
0:13:02 > 0:13:04to throw your underpants away?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09My husband said it was a trick question
0:13:09 > 0:13:12because you never throw underpants away.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17I said, "The correct answer is, when the elasticity is such that it
0:13:17 > 0:13:20"looks like you're wearing a gym skirt."
0:13:23 > 0:13:26And the third and final question in the Useful Round.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29How much praise should you get for unblocking a toilet
0:13:29 > 0:13:31that you yourself blocked?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36And the answer is none.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Absolutely bloody none.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47You've been lovely. Thank you very much for having me.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Goodnight, everybody.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Millican!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Fantastic.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Brilliant.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Right.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10Ladies and gentlemen, this is a real Christmas treat.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13It's not often you get an opportunity to bring on what
0:14:13 > 0:14:16is essentially a global superstar.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Here, singing the Christmas classic, 2,000 Miles,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22from her brand-new album,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Kylie Christmas,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27please welcome the one and only Kylie Minogue.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:14:38 > 0:14:42# He's gone
0:14:42 > 0:14:48# 2,000 miles
0:14:48 > 0:14:51# It's very far
0:14:54 > 0:14:59# The snow is falling down
0:14:59 > 0:15:03# Gets colder day by day
0:15:04 > 0:15:06# I miss you
0:15:11 > 0:15:14# The children will sing
0:15:15 > 0:15:21# He'll be back at Christmas time
0:15:26 > 0:15:31# In these frozen and silent nights
0:15:31 > 0:15:35# Sometimes in a dream
0:15:37 > 0:15:39# You appear
0:15:42 > 0:15:46# Outside under the purple sky
0:15:47 > 0:15:51# Diamonds in the snow
0:15:52 > 0:15:54# Sparkle
0:15:59 > 0:16:02# Our hearts were singing
0:16:03 > 0:16:09# It felt like Christmas time
0:16:15 > 0:16:19# 2,000 miles
0:16:19 > 0:16:21# Is very far through the snow
0:16:23 > 0:16:27# I'll think of you
0:16:27 > 0:16:35# Wherever you go
0:16:46 > 0:16:51# He's gone
0:16:51 > 0:16:55# 2,000 miles
0:16:56 > 0:16:58# It's very far
0:17:03 > 0:17:06# I can hear people singing
0:17:07 > 0:17:13# It must be Christmas time
0:17:15 > 0:17:18# I can hear people singing
0:17:20 > 0:17:26# It must be Christmas time. #
0:17:31 > 0:17:33CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Thank you very much.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I could barely concentrate looking out at all these Santas.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Kylie Minogue!
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Thank you.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Ladies and gentlemen, Kylie Minogue.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:18:00 > 0:18:03And if you're very lucky...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05If you're very, very lucky
0:18:05 > 0:18:09we might be seeing a little bit more of Kylie later.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13It is Christmas. Christmas is that special time of the year.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16It's that time of the year when you look to
0:18:16 > 0:18:19get family together, to buy kids presents.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21We don't have that any more.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23We've got big kids now.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Kids are too old.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27And the problem is, as a parent,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29it's very difficult to know what to do.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32It's very difficult to know how to give them presents,
0:18:32 > 0:18:34particularly, like, the oldest one. I mean, he's a man.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36He's got a beard!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I've got a... I've got a man living in my house.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I actually own a bloke.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I've got a bloke living in my house, who doesn't look enough like me
0:18:50 > 0:18:53for me to feel comfortable, to be honest.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57And I've got to try and buy him a Christmas present.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00You can't buy... How do you buy another man
0:19:00 > 0:19:03a Christmas present, who looks a little bit like you?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05It's weird. I don't like it.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07So, what I've been doing is I've been trying to buy him
0:19:07 > 0:19:10special things, you know, like presents that are experiences.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13You know, like, you get these things where you can have a day
0:19:13 > 0:19:17driving a race car, or you can have a day parachuting.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I said to him, "Is there an experience that you want?"
0:19:20 > 0:19:23He said, "I've always wanted to see wild whales."
0:19:23 > 0:19:25So I took him for a weekend to Rhyl.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I am so pleased you're clapping that.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I am so pleased you're clapping that!
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Cos I know that's a slightly rubbish joke.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41I know that.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44And the producer said to me, "You can't put that joke in."
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I said, "I'm going to put it in." I love that joke.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Cos as a comedian what happens is, you have jokes sometimes
0:19:49 > 0:19:52and you just love them, even though you shouldn't love them.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55The only way I can describe it,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57it's like having an ugly baby.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01You know when you've got an ugly baby and you love it
0:20:01 > 0:20:05and everyone looks at it and goes, "You still loving that baby?"
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Cos no-one will say it to you.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Everyone comes up and goes, "Oh, you've got a baby? Oh, oh...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12"Oh, well, well done.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13"So at least YOU love it."
0:20:13 > 0:20:15See, and I can say that.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18I can say that on the BBC.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I can take the mickey out of ugly babies cos it's the last
0:20:21 > 0:20:26thing on the BBC that anyone will complain about.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29No-one's going to write a complaint in and go, "I was watching
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"the John Bishop Christmas Show,
0:20:31 > 0:20:35"where he was poking fun at ugly babies.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"Me and my wife were both offended cos we've got an ugly baby.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42"Photograph enclosed."
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for some more comedy?
0:20:53 > 0:20:54AUDIENCE. Yes!
0:20:54 > 0:20:58I'm going to bring an act onto the stage that I first met
0:20:58 > 0:21:00when we were doing the Edinburgh Festival years ago.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03He is an extremely funny man and I've got to be honest,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I'm so pleased to bring him on to the stage tonight
0:21:06 > 0:21:09cos I've never seen him not make me laugh.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13He is superb. Please welcome the wonderful Tom Allen.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Hi!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Hello, everyone, hello. Are you well?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Oh, good. Well, it's so nice to be here.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And, er, I know what happens a lot of the time
0:21:30 > 0:21:33when I walk out on stage, because I've seen it before, so don't worry.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Er, but what tends to happen when I walk out on stage,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39and it tends to be with the, er, heterosexual men.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I don't mean to generalise, but what tends to happen when I walk
0:21:43 > 0:21:46out on stage is they do one thing. They do this.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48They fold their arms.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54They fold their arms and then they go,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57"Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm not sure about this bloke.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59"Not sure about this bloke.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01"He might try and have sex with me.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"He might try and recruit me."
0:22:09 > 0:22:11And I always say, the truth of the matter is,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14we are recruiting at the moment.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19So if you sign up on the way out,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I get a £25 voucher in John Lewis.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26It'll be so useful with Christmas coming up.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29And, er, are you all excited about Christmas?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Yes, of course you are.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I like Christmas. It's a very romantic time of year, isn't it?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38I'm single. I know!
0:22:40 > 0:22:43And I'm gay. Gay. I'm gay.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Well, I say I'm gay. I hardly find the time.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I mean, I'm a Gemini as well, but they don't get a parade.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Yes, I am gay. I am completely gay.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02And, er, you know, a lot of my friends say to me,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05"Oh, Tom, are you still getting up on stage talking about being gay?"
0:23:05 > 0:23:06And I say, "Yeah. Yes, I am."
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Even now. Even in 2015, I still do it because, even now,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12after gigs people will still come up to me and they'll still say to me,
0:23:12 > 0:23:16"Tom, I didn't know what homophobia was
0:23:16 > 0:23:18"until I met you."
0:23:24 > 0:23:26So I did something about a year ago,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29which I know a lot of people do after Christmas. I did it as well.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33I joined the gym. Anybody here joined the gym?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Yeah. Yeah. I like to join the gym.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I joined a gym called, er, Virgin Active
0:23:38 > 0:23:40because there wasn't a Virgin Passive.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Or a Virgin Versatile, thank you.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50And I like to go. It's quite an intimidating place
0:23:50 > 0:23:52if you've never been to a gym before.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55They have different sections. Like, one end, one end of the gym is what
0:23:55 > 0:23:57they call the free weights section,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59and that's where the weights have been freed.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03They've been liberated.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08And that is where I have NO business being.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14Cos it's for the bigger boys.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18And the bigger boys go there all day lifting things,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20all day lifting these, all day, trying to get big arms,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23trying to turn their arms into legs.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32And, then, at the other end of the gym,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34they've got a screened off section,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36which is private, which you can't look behind.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37It's very secret. It's very private.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Please don't look there. And that is the ladies' gym.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42That is where the ladies go to put on their bonnets
0:24:42 > 0:24:46and their crinoline and their bustles.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48And they go there to jiggle without being looked at by
0:24:48 > 0:24:50the serious men, like me.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54And, then, in the middle, they have what's called the cardio section.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57And it's called the cardio section cos that's where you go
0:24:57 > 0:24:58to have a heart attack.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10And I... I mean, I like going.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13The real reason I joined the gym, though, was to go swimming
0:25:13 > 0:25:16cos I like swimming. I always think swimming's a nice sport, isn't it? Swimming's nice
0:25:16 > 0:25:19cos if it's competitive, it's not just a race, is it?
0:25:19 > 0:25:20In swimming, it's not a race, is it?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24It's a gala and they put up bunting and everyone wears a costume.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31And I like it, but I can't do it competitively cos I can't dive.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35And you can't start a swimming race by just jumping in.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38You never see that at the Olympics, do you? Do you? Do you?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Get the bubbles out my shorts!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48But, a lot of the time, I turn up to go swimming
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and I can't get into the swimming pool because
0:25:51 > 0:25:52they close it a lot for classes.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54And the class that always seems to be on when I go there
0:25:54 > 0:25:58is a thing called aqua-aerobics.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01And I don't quite know how it works,
0:26:01 > 0:26:05but it seems to be where a lot of slightly older,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08slightly larger
0:26:08 > 0:26:12ladies and some gentlemen go
0:26:12 > 0:26:14and I don't quite know how it works,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17but from upstairs in the gym, looking down,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19it looks a lot like, erm...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23..Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34And they're trying to stand up. They can't stand up.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37They're doing their best. They're doing their best.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38They're doing their best.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I shouldn't say that. I don't mean to be un, un, un...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43No, I do, but...
0:26:43 > 0:26:47I'm turning into a dreadful, bitchy gay stereotype,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49but then, of course, you say "stereotype",
0:26:49 > 0:26:50I say "career"!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57But I have to go now because I'm
0:26:57 > 0:26:59bored.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03But I've had the most wonderful time talking to you
0:27:03 > 0:27:05and I'm very grateful to John for having me here.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07So, have a wonderful Christmas and I hope I see you again soon.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- My name's Tom Allen. Good night. - CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Brilliant. Absolutely stunning.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Allen!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24See, have I told you any lies tonight?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I said he's coming on next, he's brilliant,
0:27:27 > 0:27:28and every time they have been.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Please put your hands together once more for Tom Allen.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32That was superb.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Now, I'm going to do something now
0:27:38 > 0:27:40because I've found something
0:27:40 > 0:27:44out recently with the youngest one in our house.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I can't remember his name now, but the youngest one.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49I was talking to my youngest son. He's 17.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51I said, "It'll be all right for you, lad. 17 now.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"You'll be going out. You know what I mean?
0:27:55 > 0:27:57"With mistletoe.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59"Snogging the girls."
0:27:59 > 0:28:01He went, "What are you talking about?"
0:28:01 > 0:28:03I said, "Mistletoe. Mistletoe.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05"That's what you use at Christmas, isn't it, to snog..."
0:28:05 > 0:28:07He said, "Dad, I'm on Tinder."
0:28:10 > 0:28:15He had no conception of the beauty of mistletoe.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19All you had to do was to wave a leaf over someone
0:28:19 > 0:28:22and you could snog them.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25And they couldn't say anything about it.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28They had to snog you back cos it was law.
0:28:30 > 0:28:36You need the magic of mistletoe, so I think it's time to bring it back.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38CHEERS
0:28:38 > 0:28:41So bring in the screen.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45And this is what we've called "Mistletoe Cam".
0:28:53 > 0:28:54Mistletoe Cam!
0:28:58 > 0:29:00So...
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Some of you have you guessed it.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07Now, before we start with Mistletoe Cam,
0:29:07 > 0:29:11if you're sat next to someone you shouldn't be sat next to...
0:29:13 > 0:29:16..now's the time to move!
0:29:16 > 0:29:19If someone's here with the secretary from work and has been telling
0:29:19 > 0:29:22the wife, "I'm working late,"
0:29:22 > 0:29:24now's the time to move.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27Because what we are going to do is we're going to pick out
0:29:27 > 0:29:30couples in the audience.
0:29:30 > 0:29:34People that we think are couples or who the cameramen
0:29:34 > 0:29:35think should be couples.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41And when the Mistletoe Cam is on you,
0:29:41 > 0:29:45you have all got to agree that if you're on the Mistletoe Cam,
0:29:45 > 0:29:46you kiss.
0:29:46 > 0:29:47Does everyone agree?
0:29:47 > 0:29:50AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:29:50 > 0:29:54OK, let's see who the first people are on Mistletoe Cam.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01Where are these...? Yes!
0:30:01 > 0:30:03We got a kiss!
0:30:03 > 0:30:07We got a kiss! We got a kiss.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10OK. Have we got two other people?
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Oh!
0:30:15 > 0:30:17Whoa! Aye, aye!
0:30:17 > 0:30:21Whoa! Easy, tiger! Aye, aye.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27You know what I mean, it's Mistletoe Cam, it's not Conception Cam!
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Have we got another couple?
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Go!
0:30:34 > 0:30:35Ah.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41It's you!
0:30:46 > 0:30:49CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:30:53 > 0:30:59That was beautiful. That was beautiful.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02Who says that older people don't love each other any more?
0:31:02 > 0:31:05They do, they just don't recognise themselves!
0:31:10 > 0:31:12OK.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15We've got another couple on Mistletoe Cam.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22JOHN LAUGHS
0:31:27 > 0:31:31I didn't know that was coming up!
0:31:31 > 0:31:32OK.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35Are we ready for another couple on Mistletoe Cam?
0:31:36 > 0:31:39OK, we've got one more couple.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53CHEERS
0:32:03 > 0:32:06Let's hear it! Let's hear it! Let's hear it!
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Let's hear it. Listen.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Sh. Sh.
0:32:16 > 0:32:20I wanted to do it New Year, but it's our anniversary today.
0:32:20 > 0:32:22I do love you.
0:32:22 > 0:32:23And, erm...
0:32:23 > 0:32:26I suppose the easiest way of saying it...
0:32:26 > 0:32:27Would you marry me?
0:32:28 > 0:32:29Yes.
0:32:29 > 0:32:32CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:32:37 > 0:32:39They're up there!
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Oh, look at that.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56He's just become the most romantic man in London.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59I'm sorry, mate, I don't even know your name or your girlfriend's name.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02- Oh, sorry, fiancee's name. - Oh, God, yeah.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04What's your name?
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Well, my name's Joe.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08And my, my fiancee...
0:33:08 > 0:33:09Oh, my God!
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Erm, my fiancee's name is Michelle.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Joe and Michelle!
0:33:21 > 0:33:22Joe!
0:33:22 > 0:33:26At the end of the show, someone will come and get you
0:33:26 > 0:33:28and we'll bring you downstairs and you can come
0:33:28 > 0:33:30and have a drink of champagne with us after cos that is...
0:33:30 > 0:33:34I'm going to buy you some champagne. That is wonderful.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45OK. Sorry, camera's just talking to my ear.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56Camera.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58So, is... There's supposed to be one more,
0:33:58 > 0:34:00but obviously there isn't.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04Ho, ho, ho. Happy Christmas.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06It's Ian Rush, ladies and gentlemen!
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Liverpool legend!
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Kiss, kiss, kiss.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Ladies and gentlemen, Ian Rush!
0:34:17 > 0:34:19What are you doing here?!
0:34:22 > 0:34:24Great.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27A legend. You cannot believe how much of my life
0:34:27 > 0:34:29I've wanted to kiss Ian Rush.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Ladies and gentlemen. Brilliant, mate. Are you coming for a drink after?
0:34:33 > 0:34:34- Yeah, I am, definitely. - Oh, brilliant.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36Joe's buying everyone drink.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39Ladies and gentlemen, Ian Rush!
0:34:39 > 0:34:41CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for
0:34:44 > 0:34:47all of the couples, particularly Joe and Michelle.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56OK, you ready for some music?
0:34:56 > 0:34:58AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:34:58 > 0:35:01On every Christmas show we try to bring
0:35:01 > 0:35:03an artist who has broke through.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06The artist that we've got coming on next has had a massive year.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10She's had five number one hits. She's won a Grammy
0:35:10 > 0:35:13and she's here tonight singing one of the biggest songs of the year.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Please welcome
0:35:15 > 0:35:16Jess Glynne!
0:35:16 > 0:35:18CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:35:22 > 0:35:26# Standing in a crowded room and I can't see your face
0:35:30 > 0:35:34# Put your arms around me tell me everything's OK
0:35:38 > 0:35:42# In my mind I'm running round a cold and empty space
0:35:45 > 0:35:49# Just put your arms around me tell me everything's OK
0:35:53 > 0:35:59# Break my bones but you won't see me fall
0:35:59 > 0:36:01# Oh Oh-oh-oh
0:36:01 > 0:36:07# The rising tide will rise against them all
0:36:07 > 0:36:08# Oh-oh
0:36:08 > 0:36:10# Darling, hold my hand
0:36:12 > 0:36:13# Oh, won't you hold my hand?
0:36:16 > 0:36:21# Cos I don't want to walk on my own any more, won't you understand?
0:36:22 > 0:36:25# Cos I don't wanna walk alone
0:36:25 > 0:36:26# I'm ready for this
0:36:26 > 0:36:29# There's no denying
0:36:29 > 0:36:30# I'm ready for this
0:36:30 > 0:36:33# You stop me falling
0:36:33 > 0:36:34# I'm ready for this
0:36:34 > 0:36:37# I need you all in
0:36:37 > 0:36:38# I'm ready for this
0:36:38 > 0:36:40# So darling hold my hand
0:36:40 > 0:36:43# Soul is like a melting pot when you're not next to me
0:36:48 > 0:36:51# Tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave... Sing!
0:36:56 > 0:37:01# Trying to find a moment where I can find release
0:37:03 > 0:37:11# Please tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave
0:37:11 > 0:37:14# Darling, hold my hand
0:37:14 > 0:37:16# Oh, won't you hold my hand?
0:37:18 > 0:37:24# Cos I don't wanna walk on my own anymore, won't you understand?
0:37:25 > 0:37:27# Cos I don't wanna walk alone
0:37:27 > 0:37:29# I'm ready for this
0:37:29 > 0:37:31# There's no denying
0:37:31 > 0:37:33# I'm ready for this
0:37:33 > 0:37:35# You stop me falling
0:37:35 > 0:37:37# I'm ready for this
0:37:37 > 0:37:39# I need you all in
0:37:39 > 0:37:40# I'm ready for this
0:37:40 > 0:37:42# So darling hold my hand
0:37:42 > 0:37:45# Don't wanna know
0:37:45 > 0:37:49# That feeling when I'm all alone
0:37:49 > 0:37:51# So please don't make me wait
0:37:51 > 0:37:53# Cos I don't wanna break
0:37:53 > 0:37:57# No, I don't wanna fall
0:37:59 > 0:38:01# Oh, yeah
0:38:01 > 0:38:05# Won't you hold my hand?
0:38:05 > 0:38:12# Cos I don't wanna walk on my own anymore, won't you understand?
0:38:12 > 0:38:14# Cos I don't wanna walk alone
0:38:14 > 0:38:16# I'm ready for this
0:38:16 > 0:38:18# There's no denying
0:38:18 > 0:38:20# I'm ready for this
0:38:20 > 0:38:22# You stop me falling
0:38:22 > 0:38:23# I'm ready for this
0:38:23 > 0:38:26# I need you all in
0:38:26 > 0:38:30# I'm ready for this, so darling won't you hold my hand? #
0:38:30 > 0:38:32CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:38:34 > 0:38:35Thank you.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42Ladies and gentlemen, Jess Glynne!
0:38:44 > 0:38:48Brilliant. Brilliant.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54Right. Time for some more comedy.
0:38:54 > 0:38:58When we did the series this year we were looking to try and bring
0:38:58 > 0:39:02people on the TV who were brilliant but not many people had seen them.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06This guy was booked on my series. He absolutely ripped it,
0:39:06 > 0:39:10cos he's one of the funniest fellas in Britain today.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13Please welcome to the stage the unique,
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Andy Askins!
0:39:15 > 0:39:18MUSIC: Tubthumping by Chumbawamba
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Good evening.
0:39:27 > 0:39:31Can I just say, even if this goes horribly wrong this evening,
0:39:31 > 0:39:34you will not wipe the smile off my face,
0:39:34 > 0:39:36because my wife informed me this morning
0:39:36 > 0:39:38she's expecting our first child.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:39:46 > 0:39:48To leave home soon.
0:39:59 > 0:40:00He's only eight.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05I wouldn't choose to do this.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07Like, stood in front of people you don't know
0:40:07 > 0:40:09and, like, bright lights. I wouldn't choose to do.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12This isn't the most...
0:40:12 > 0:40:13Not by a long way.
0:40:13 > 0:40:16This isn't the most vulnerable I've ever felt.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18The most vulnerable I ever felt
0:40:18 > 0:40:22was the first time a girl stared at my erect penis.
0:40:22 > 0:40:23And...
0:40:27 > 0:40:28..I'll never forget.
0:40:28 > 0:40:31We were playing badminton and...
0:40:36 > 0:40:40..I just wanted to die. I just wanted to die.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43I just, I just wanted to run off the court,
0:40:43 > 0:40:45but she was winning 5-1
0:40:45 > 0:40:48and I've always been a really competitive person.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54So, I'm married.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Not happily, for comedy reasons.
0:40:59 > 0:41:04Somebody said to me, "Sex gets better as you get older."
0:41:04 > 0:41:05It doesn't.
0:41:05 > 0:41:06It doesn't get better.
0:41:06 > 0:41:10Last time me and my wife had sex the dog didn't even get off the bed!
0:41:19 > 0:41:22That's the best thing about being married, having children.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25It's just fantastic, especially at Christmas.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28Cos it... Like, a lot of people seem to think having a child is
0:41:28 > 0:41:31a God-given right, and it's not a God-given right.
0:41:31 > 0:41:32It's the most...
0:41:32 > 0:41:35My brother Christopher has been unable to have
0:41:35 > 0:41:39children on account of the fact women find him repulsive.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46My twin brother Chris.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51But I love being a parent.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54I love... Chris, he hates kids now.
0:41:54 > 0:41:59He absolutely hates... Last summer he bought an ice cream van.
0:41:59 > 0:42:00He just drives it round.
0:42:00 > 0:42:01He never stops.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13I don't play the guitar, by the way.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23I don't play the guitar. I just found it makes me
0:42:23 > 0:42:25look more interesting because
0:42:25 > 0:42:28that beginning bit is really awkward.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30And one of my friends said,
0:42:30 > 0:42:34"Why don't you wear a guitar, like give the audience some hope."
0:42:34 > 0:42:36And...
0:42:39 > 0:42:43I think Christmas is a time of love and understanding,
0:42:43 > 0:42:46and with that in mind, I'd like to do a little song.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49I do play the guitar. I'm a compulsive liar.
0:42:52 > 0:42:53No, I'm not.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59Straight in.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04Never lose a momentum.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18# He said please don't cry my darling
0:43:18 > 0:43:21# This isn't what you think
0:43:21 > 0:43:23# Sit down and take a seat, my love
0:43:23 > 0:43:26# I'll fix us both a drink
0:43:26 > 0:43:28# In two weeks' time it's Christmas
0:43:28 > 0:43:31# The lingerie's a surprise
0:43:32 > 0:43:34# Red's your favourite colour
0:43:34 > 0:43:36# I just tried it on to check the size
0:43:39 > 0:43:41# Please believe me, darling
0:43:41 > 0:43:44# These high heels, they're not mine
0:43:44 > 0:43:46# I'm UK size 11
0:43:46 > 0:43:47# These Jimmy Choos are nine
0:43:47 > 0:43:50# She said I don't believe you darling
0:43:50 > 0:43:54# Your lips are post box red
0:43:54 > 0:43:56# I've found face cream in your wardrobe
0:43:56 > 0:44:00# And used wax strips in the shed
0:44:01 > 0:44:03# I guessed your little secret
0:44:03 > 0:44:06# There's no need to fall to bits
0:44:06 > 0:44:08# While searching through your man drawer
0:44:08 > 0:44:10# I found your fake foam tits
0:44:10 > 0:44:14# She said, but please don't cry my darling
0:44:14 > 0:44:18# My love for you's still true
0:44:18 > 0:44:20# We can shop until we drop
0:44:20 > 0:44:25# Then I will mix and match with you. #
0:44:29 > 0:44:31Thank you. Very merry Christmas.
0:44:31 > 0:44:33Thank you very much indeed.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36Ladies and gentlemen,
0:44:36 > 0:44:38Andy Askins!
0:44:38 > 0:44:40CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:44:40 > 0:44:45Before, we were treated to one of the superstars of the world
0:44:45 > 0:44:48and I couldn't have her here just for one song,
0:44:48 > 0:44:50so please welcome back to the stage,
0:44:50 > 0:44:52Kylie Minogue!
0:44:52 > 0:44:54CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:44:59 > 0:45:02- Now, Kylie...- Hi!- Kylie, I've been listening to
0:45:02 > 0:45:05- your Christmas album, Kylie Christmas.- Hm-mm. That's right.
0:45:05 > 0:45:09- Lovely.- Thank you.- And you've got a number of duets with people.- Hm-mm.
0:45:09 > 0:45:11- Frank Sinatra.- Yes.
0:45:11 > 0:45:14- Yeah. You've got Iggy Pop. - Yes.
0:45:14 > 0:45:17- You've even got James Corden. - Yes!
0:45:18 > 0:45:21Well, don't you think you've missed someone?
0:45:23 > 0:45:25Can you sing?
0:45:25 > 0:45:28Can I sing?!
0:45:28 > 0:45:31- Can I sing?! Course I can. - Well, sing with me, then.
0:45:31 > 0:45:33- Can we do a duet? - Yes, please.
0:45:35 > 0:45:37Let's do it.
0:45:41 > 0:45:45# Oh, the weather outside is frightful
0:45:45 > 0:45:49# But the fire is so delightful
0:45:49 > 0:45:52# And since we've no place to go
0:45:52 > 0:45:56# Let it snow, let it snow let it snow
0:45:56 > 0:45:59JOHN MIMES # It doesn't show signs of stopping
0:45:59 > 0:46:03# I've brought some corn for popping
0:46:03 > 0:46:06# The lights are turned way down low
0:46:06 > 0:46:10# Let it snow, let it snow let it snow
0:46:10 > 0:46:13# When we finally kiss goodnight
0:46:13 > 0:46:17# How I'll hate going out in the storm
0:46:17 > 0:46:21# But if you'll really hold me tight
0:46:21 > 0:46:24# All the way home I'll be warm
0:46:24 > 0:46:27# The fire is slowly dying
0:46:27 > 0:46:30# And my dear we're still goodbye-ing
0:46:30 > 0:46:33JOHN'S VOCAL TRACK BEGINS TO RUN SLOW
0:46:33 > 0:46:36# Well, as long as you love me so
0:46:36 > 0:46:39# Let it snow, let it snow let it snow
0:46:53 > 0:46:57# When we finally kiss goodnight
0:46:57 > 0:47:01# How I'll hate going out in the storm
0:47:01 > 0:47:03# But if you'll really hold me
0:47:03 > 0:47:07RECORD STICKS # Ti-i-i-i-ight
0:47:08 > 0:47:12# All the way home I'll be warm
0:47:12 > 0:47:15# The fire is slowly dying
0:47:15 > 0:47:18# But my dear we're still goodbye-ing
0:47:18 > 0:47:22# But as long as you love me so
0:47:22 > 0:47:29- BOTH:- # Let it snow, let it snow let it snow. #
0:47:33 > 0:47:35CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:47:40 > 0:47:44Ladies and gentlemen, Kylie Minogue!
0:47:44 > 0:47:45That was brilliant.
0:47:54 > 0:47:56Hang on.
0:47:56 > 0:47:58Oh!
0:47:58 > 0:48:00All of my straight friends
0:48:00 > 0:48:03and all of my gay friends
0:48:03 > 0:48:04are now looking at me going,
0:48:04 > 0:48:06"You lucky bastard!"
0:48:07 > 0:48:10Right, are you ready for some more comedy?
0:48:10 > 0:48:11AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:48:11 > 0:48:14We've got someone coming on the stage that I've always wanted
0:48:14 > 0:48:16to get on a show, but to be honest with you,
0:48:16 > 0:48:19you can hardly get him in this country.
0:48:19 > 0:48:21He spends a lot of time in the air,
0:48:21 > 0:48:24flying round the world, entertaining people all over the place.
0:48:24 > 0:48:26In fact, it's easier to get a ticket to go
0:48:26 > 0:48:29and see him in Australia than it is here.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32He's funny, he's hilarious, and we are so lucky to have him.
0:48:32 > 0:48:33Please welcome to the stage,
0:48:33 > 0:48:35the fabulous Danny Bhoy.
0:48:35 > 0:48:38CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:48:46 > 0:48:49I know. Finally a name on this bill.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54How are you all? You all right?
0:48:54 > 0:48:56AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:48:56 > 0:48:59I was Christmas shopping in Edinburgh at the weekend
0:48:59 > 0:49:02and I've realised Scotland is the only country in the world where
0:49:02 > 0:49:07a father can threaten his child without actually saying anything.
0:49:07 > 0:49:10There was a dad and his kid, they were out shopping,
0:49:10 > 0:49:12the kids was messing around, lagging behind,
0:49:12 > 0:49:15and the dad eventually snapped,
0:49:15 > 0:49:17and he just turned round and went,
0:49:17 > 0:49:18"Oi!
0:49:19 > 0:49:21"All right?"
0:49:24 > 0:49:27That seemed to be all he needed to say.
0:49:30 > 0:49:32I went to the German Christmas market at the weekend.
0:49:32 > 0:49:35Oh, we love a bit of German culture at Christmas time, isn't it?
0:49:35 > 0:49:38It's the only time of the year we embrace the German culture.
0:49:38 > 0:49:41The rest of the year we're not so fussed.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44But we love all that, and buy stuff we'd never usually buy.
0:49:44 > 0:49:46We'll have a giant sausage.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49We've no need for a sausage that big but why not, it's German,
0:49:49 > 0:49:51it's Christmas.
0:49:51 > 0:49:53We try a little bit of it at first on the end of a cocktail stick.
0:49:53 > 0:49:55That always tastes good, doesn't it?
0:49:55 > 0:49:57Oh, that is beautiful.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00We'll have six feet of that.
0:50:00 > 0:50:02We'll have six feet of that and we'll put it in the fridge
0:50:02 > 0:50:05and we'll throw it out next June.
0:50:05 > 0:50:06It's German and it's Christmas.
0:50:06 > 0:50:08And we'll have some of the heavy bread.
0:50:08 > 0:50:11Can we get the heavy bread, mate?
0:50:11 > 0:50:14I don't know if they have Scottish Christmas markets in Hamburg.
0:50:14 > 0:50:15I'm not sure.
0:50:15 > 0:50:18Guy's saying, er, "Little bit of, er, square sausage, madam?
0:50:18 > 0:50:20"Little bit of square sausage?
0:50:20 > 0:50:24"Feel free to wash it down with some mulled Buckfast."
0:50:26 > 0:50:29Anyway, so I was at the German Christmas market, right,
0:50:29 > 0:50:31and I've got my heavy bread and my giant sausage,
0:50:31 > 0:50:33and I'm looking for Christmas presents.
0:50:33 > 0:50:36And I found this one stall that was the most enchanting stall
0:50:36 > 0:50:38I've ever seen in my life.
0:50:38 > 0:50:42It was an old German guy and he was making all these wooden toys,
0:50:42 > 0:50:46and I thought, "Yes, this is what Christmas is all about."
0:50:46 > 0:50:48And hanging up in his stall, there was a wooden man,
0:50:48 > 0:50:52maybe about that size, and it had a little string at the bottom,
0:50:52 > 0:50:55and when you pulled the string the arms did this.
0:50:55 > 0:50:57I thought that was magical.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59I thought, this is... that's...
0:50:59 > 0:51:01"I'll get one of these for my little nephew", I thought.
0:51:01 > 0:51:04Imagine the surprise on his face on Christmas morning,
0:51:04 > 0:51:07when he thinks he's getting the new Halo and Xbox.
0:51:09 > 0:51:10No. He's getting a wooden man which,
0:51:10 > 0:51:12when you pull the string, arms do that.
0:51:12 > 0:51:14Hours of fun.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17What 17-year-old kid would not want that? That's what I want to know.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23So I said to the German man, I said, "Can I have one of them?"
0:51:23 > 0:51:25He said, "Yeah, help yourself.
0:51:25 > 0:51:28"They're all individually hand-painted and hand-crafted."
0:51:31 > 0:51:33I says, "Great."
0:51:33 > 0:51:37Now, I must have picked up the only defective toy on that stall.
0:51:40 > 0:51:42And when I pulled the string on my wooden man...
0:51:44 > 0:51:45..only one arm worked.
0:51:52 > 0:51:56Some of you are ahead of the game here, I can see that.
0:51:56 > 0:51:57Pulled the string.
0:51:58 > 0:52:00And it... You know, the arm...
0:52:04 > 0:52:07Now, if it had been a Spanish or a French market,
0:52:07 > 0:52:09we'd have had a bit of a giggle about that.
0:52:11 > 0:52:13But it was a German Christmas market.
0:52:16 > 0:52:18Now, the right thing to say in that situation,
0:52:18 > 0:52:20if you're ever in it,
0:52:20 > 0:52:22you'll never be in it,
0:52:22 > 0:52:25is nothing.
0:52:25 > 0:52:27Nothing is the right thing to say.
0:52:27 > 0:52:28My brain doesn't allow that.
0:52:29 > 0:52:31Pull the string, the arm goes up.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34I'm looking at him, he's looking at me and I said...
0:52:35 > 0:52:37.."That takes you back, doesn't it?"
0:52:53 > 0:52:56You had carol singers at the market.
0:52:56 > 0:52:57I love Christmas carols.
0:52:57 > 0:53:01You know, my favourite Christmas carol when I was a kid was Away In A Manger.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04But there was always a problem with Away In A Manger, wasn't there?
0:53:04 > 0:53:07Cos if you came in too high on that very first line,
0:53:07 > 0:53:11when you were singing it at school, teacher on the piano,
0:53:11 > 0:53:13if you came in with too high a pitch,
0:53:13 > 0:53:14you had nowhere to go.
0:53:16 > 0:53:20Teacher would be like, "Ready, after three. One, two, three."
0:53:20 > 0:53:26# Away in a manger No crib for a... #
0:53:26 > 0:53:27Ah!
0:53:27 > 0:53:29Ah!
0:53:29 > 0:53:32HIGH-PITCHED WHINE
0:53:32 > 0:53:35Dogs in nearby parks... "Huh?"
0:53:37 > 0:53:39And you go, "That was embarrassing.
0:53:39 > 0:53:41"There's girls in this class,"
0:53:41 > 0:53:43and you drop right down for the next bit, wouldn't you.
0:53:43 > 0:53:45# The little Lord Jesus... #
0:53:47 > 0:53:50But you forgot, it was going to go down again at that point,
0:53:50 > 0:53:52and you'd be in even more trouble at the other end.
0:53:52 > 0:53:55# The little Lord Jesus
0:53:55 > 0:53:58- (IN DEEP VOICE) - # Lay down his
0:53:58 > 0:54:00# Sweet... #
0:54:02 > 0:54:04Hurgh! Hurgh!
0:54:06 > 0:54:08Hurgh!
0:54:14 > 0:54:16Ladies and gentlemen, have a wonderful Christmas.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18Thank you for listening.
0:54:18 > 0:54:20Joyeux Noel!
0:54:21 > 0:54:23Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Bhoy.
0:54:26 > 0:54:28What did I tell you?
0:54:28 > 0:54:30It was brilliant.
0:54:30 > 0:54:31I was just watching Danny, there.
0:54:31 > 0:54:34There's nothing like watching someone just win an audience
0:54:34 > 0:54:37over and there was a shot when he was doing, doing the
0:54:37 > 0:54:39carol singing. That bit.
0:54:39 > 0:54:41And there was a bloke,
0:54:41 > 0:54:43and I don't know where you're sat,
0:54:43 > 0:54:46but we've caught you on camera, crying.
0:54:48 > 0:54:50Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Bhoy!
0:54:50 > 0:54:52CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:54:52 > 0:54:56What did I say?
0:54:56 > 0:54:58Now, anyone who's watched one of these Christmas specials
0:54:58 > 0:55:01before will know that there's something missing.
0:55:01 > 0:55:04There's someone who's appeared on every single one of these Christmas shows.
0:55:04 > 0:55:07He was booked on the first one. He helped us out on the second one
0:55:07 > 0:55:09when someone couldn't turn up, at late notice.
0:55:09 > 0:55:12Tonight, he's come again to sing us out.
0:55:12 > 0:55:15Ladies and gentlemen, singing Last Christmas,
0:55:15 > 0:55:16please welcome,
0:55:16 > 0:55:17Olly Murs!
0:55:17 > 0:55:19CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:55:25 > 0:55:30# Last Christmas I gave you my heart
0:55:30 > 0:55:35# The very next day you gave it away
0:55:35 > 0:55:40# This year to save me from tears
0:55:40 > 0:55:43# I'll give it to someone special
0:55:45 > 0:55:50# Once bitten and twice shy
0:55:50 > 0:55:55# I kept my distance but you still catch my eye
0:55:55 > 0:55:58# Tell me, baby, do you recognise me?
0:55:59 > 0:56:03# Huh, it's been a year it doesn't surprise me
0:56:06 > 0:56:09# I wrapped it up and sent it
0:56:09 > 0:56:13# With a note saying, I love you I meant it
0:56:13 > 0:56:17# Now I know what a fool I've been
0:56:17 > 0:56:22# But if you kissed me now you'd never fool me again
0:56:22 > 0:56:27# Last Christmas I gave you my heart
0:56:27 > 0:56:31# The very next day you gave it away
0:56:31 > 0:56:36# And this year to save me from tears
0:56:36 > 0:56:39# I'll give it to someone
0:56:39 > 0:56:43# I'll give it to someone special. #
0:56:43 > 0:56:44Come on!
0:56:44 > 0:56:48# I gave you my heart
0:56:48 > 0:56:52# You gave me away... #
0:56:57 > 0:56:59Ladies and gentlemen, John Bishop. Come on!
0:56:59 > 0:57:02CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:57:06 > 0:57:09Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on to the stage
0:57:09 > 0:57:12all of the guests from this evening!
0:57:12 > 0:57:14I see you want to sing.
0:57:14 > 0:57:15Come on!
0:57:15 > 0:57:20ALL: # Last Christmas I gave you my heart
0:57:20 > 0:57:24# The very next day you gave it away
0:57:24 > 0:57:28# But this year to save me from tears
0:57:28 > 0:57:32# I'll give it to someone special. #
0:57:32 > 0:57:34Everyone, one more time!
0:57:34 > 0:57:37# Last Christmas I gave you my heart
0:57:37 > 0:57:43# But the very next day you gave it away
0:57:43 > 0:57:47# But this year to save me from tears
0:57:47 > 0:57:50# I'll give it to someone
0:57:50 > 0:57:55# I'll give it to someone special. #
0:57:55 > 0:57:57Merry Christmas!
0:57:57 > 0:58:00Merry Christmas, everybody! Thank you. Goodnight.