0:00:02 > 0:00:04Owen, does that girl keep looking at me?
0:00:06 > 0:00:09- Well, the form book suggests she's clearly looking at me, mate. - Oh, get over yourself!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Oh, here she comes. Time to make yourself scarce.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Listen, don't use the disabled toilet, we might need to use it.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36WOMAN LAUGHS
0:00:36 > 0:00:39So, um...you've known Owen for ages. Is it true he knows Brian Harvey?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Oh, yeah, they were Owen's jacket potatoes.- No!- Yeah! Brian's never forgiven him.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- HE LAUGHS - God!- Yeah.- Oh, weird!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- So this is me.- Yeah.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Thanks for such a lovely night.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Oh, no...it's just so rare to find someone
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- who likes dubstep as much as I do. - Yeah!
0:00:54 > 0:00:55J'adore le bass.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56HE CHUCKLES
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Can I be honest with you?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- Is this about dubstep?- No, no.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- I'd love to see you again. - Same here.- Really?- Yeah!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- Great.- Cool.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Gulp!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- That awkward moment.- Yeah.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Want to seal the deal?
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Sealed with a kiss?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Signed, sealed, delivered!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Navy SEALs... - Shall we just do it?- Yeah, sorry.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27So, I'll...see you again soon?
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Er...yeah.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Yeah, I'll... I'll text you. - Yeah, cool.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43It would be an honour. Thank you, thank you.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Owen, thank you so much for setting me up with Simon.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Last night couldn't have gone any better.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Oh, I knew you two would fit together.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I call it the Lego principle.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- He's available, you're emotionally damaged...- Um...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I'm not emotionally damaged.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- OK, maybe a little bit.- And you don't need to thank me, either.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03I'm not going to. I couldn't give a shit about her date.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I've got you an invite to the event of the year.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- T4 On The Beach? - No, better than that.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I saw Holly last night.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Yes, you and I are invited to a party at her parents' house!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- No way!- Yes way!
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Wow, her parents' house! Are you going to be playing What's The Time, Mr Wolf?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21No, no, no, Kate, you do not understand.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24At university she used to have the most legendary parties.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I mean, I heard, I never actually got invited, did I?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Sorry, mate, but I used to tell you about them when I'd get home, wouldn't I?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Yeah, at great length! - Plus things are different now. I'm actually inviting you.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36You're older, you're wiser, you've finally lost your...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Do you want me to drive you? - Yes, please.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40And there's going to be drinking, yes!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Kissing, yes! Shagging, yes! - Wait a minute.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- Does she still do those midnight nachos?- Yes.
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Don't mind if I do!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Oh, amazing. Right, I'll add you to the e-mail string.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Yeah, cos nothing says "party" like "I'll add you to the e-mail string."
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Whoa-ho!
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Watch out, Timmy Mallett!
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Oh, I knew I'd find them, the old faithfuls.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- These are going to be perfect for the party.- Is that the party in the Lilt advert?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- No, no, no. Holly's party. It's a pool party.- It's a pool party?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's brilliant, eh?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13No, no, because this isn't The OC!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I'm not hoping to go steady with Pacey.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- That's Dawson's Creek, mate. - That's not the point. - And Pacey was a man.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Who has a pool party?
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Oh, God, I bet it's going to be like on TV, I'm going to have to drink out of those red plastic cups.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Fingers crossed.- It'll be full of jocks as well. These things always are.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Can't spend eight hours discussing the Green Bay Packers.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34- It seems unlikely, mate, bearing in mind the party's in Berkshire.- Do you know what? I'm not going anymore.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Oh, but you were well up for it earlier!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38No, you and your frat mates enjoy yourself. It's not for me.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42- Swimming's not about fun, it's about survival. - No, it's not, it's about partying.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I can't party if I'm kicking my legs. I'm not Michael Flatley.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48No, if it's a pool party, I'm out. You can drive yourself.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I actually spilt a cup of tea over Michael Flatley once.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55But thankfully it went over his arm, which I don't think was insured for anything.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56- TEXT MESSAGE TONE - Oh!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- Here he bloody is!- Simon?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00You'd better believe it.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Is this some sort of a joke?
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Problem?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Simon says he doesn't want to meet again.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08He was the one who asked me.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Oh, well, que sera sera. On to the next one.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Oh, they're showing Ben Hur this afternoon, all four glorious hours.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Do you know, there were over 200 different people in the wardrobe department?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- PHONE VIBRATES - An extraordinary statistic.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Has he just texted you?- No.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- You know why he's not interested. - No, no, no. We're blokes.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28We don't really talk about that sort of thing.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31He was actually texting me about... about the transfer window.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33But he's your friend, he must have told you.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Yes, that Abou Diaby wants first team football.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37- Just tell me, Owen! - No, no, no...- Owen!
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- You're not allowed, you hate football anyway! - No, I just want to look at it! Owen!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43OK, OK, OK, OK, OK!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46HE SIGHS
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Abou Diaby is tempted by a move to Spain.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- There's talk of him going to Villarreal.- Oh, just...- Get off me!
0:04:50 > 0:04:54All right, all right, chill out, chill out, be cool, be cool, be cool! Ooh!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Are you absolutely sure you want to know this?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Is it going to upset me?- Well, how are you with constructive criticism?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03SHE SIGHS
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I take it on board, I improve.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07OK.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Well, he said that you're...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12a bad kisser.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Screw you, and screw him!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17He can shove his pissing lips up his pissing arse!
0:05:17 > 0:05:21- Take it on board, you can improve. - Oh, this is utter crap.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I mean, if anything, he's the bad kisser.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I mean, his tongue was circling a lot slower than mine.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29And who made him the king of kissers?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32He didn't even make any noises!
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Huh!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35It's all bollocks, anyway, isn't it, kissing?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37HE CHUCKLES
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Oh, shall we talk about Abou Diaby again?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I always thought they should have shown a bit more faith in him.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Although he's wrong, and he IS wrong,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52out of interest, did he give any specifics?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Well, he did say that you were a little...aggressive.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Aggressive?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01- Little old me?- Yeah.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02That's bullshit!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Said his mouth was sore afterwards.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- Like, you know you get that weird pain when you've eaten too many sugary sweets?- Yeah?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11He said it was like getting off with a bag of Tangfastics.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12SHE GASPS
0:06:19 > 0:06:20Ah, Kate.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Did I ever tell you about the previous tenant
0:06:22 > 0:06:25who tried to save money by lighting the flat by candles?
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Yes.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Can I chill in here for a sec?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I need cheering up.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32How about we talk about how you can't swim?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Don't know what you're talking about, mate.- The fact you can't swim.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39That's why you're freaking out about this party, isn't it? It's not your lifelong fear of red cups.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Of course I can swim! Everyone can swim!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Do remember I went to school with you.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46OK, I can't swim.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47You see, that wasn't so hard, was it?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49You can't swim?!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Yes, OK, Geoff.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53But it wasn't my fault. As a child I was allergic to chlorine.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Yeah, I know, it wasn't a secret. We all saw how red it made you.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58That's why people called you the dog's dick.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59GEOFF CHUCKLES
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Remember when the caretaker's whippet had puppies
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- and everyone blamed it on you?- Yes!
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Genius. What a school!
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Yes, thank you, Geoff!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09See, that is exactly why I'm not going. It's embarrassing.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12That's stupid. Look, let me tell you this.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I have a friend who was recently told she was a bad swimmer,
0:07:15 > 0:07:19when in fact it was the person she was swimming with who couldn't swim.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I mean, he didn't even make any swimming noises.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22What the hell are you talking about?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25All I'm saying is, if someone says you're a bad swimmer,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27it doesn't necessarily mean they're right.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I mean, maybe they don't appreciate that your technique
0:07:29 > 0:07:31is far more advanced than theirs.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Kate, I can't stay afloat.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- That is an issue.- I think people would appreciate it if you told the truth.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Geoff!- Would you think any less of me if I told you I can't swim either?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Can you not?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Of course I can, it's easy!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Here's an interesting story for you.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Did you know Robbie Savage once tried to bring back the Ugg boot?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I heard that he wore a pair on Football Focus
0:08:03 > 0:08:06and Manish tried to have him thrown off set.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09That can't be true, can it?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Although that is how Manish would react.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13He's always been a very conservative dresser.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Although in my mind, a consummate broadcaster.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Any thoughts on Manish, Kate? - Stop trying to small-talk me, Owen.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23You are in my bad books.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- I've been pondering your lack of loyalty all day. - Is this to do with Robbie Savage?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29I know he played for Man United, but first and foremost I am a Welshman.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I can't believe you believe Simon over me about the kissing.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- I never said who I believed. - Who do you believe?- Simon.- Why?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- There've always been rumours. - What rumours?
0:08:37 > 0:08:38At uni.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Oh, that I worked hard, played hard?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, yeah, that would spread like wildfire.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45No, that kissing-wise you were a little on the nibbly side.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46What does that even mean?
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You're a biter, Kate.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50No, I am not!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I am a lover, not a biter.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53- Why don't you ask him? - Ask me what?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55OK, be honest with me.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Were there any rumours about my kissing at university?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Well, people called you The Nibbler.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- People called me that? - Sometimes Bette Nibbler.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Oh, dear God!- Look, would you like me to give you a kissing lesson?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07This is not the time to be coming on to me, Owen.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Trust me, I'm not interested in getting off with you, apart from a morbid fascination.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Same way I'd be interested in going to an abattoir, but I wouldn't want to French kiss it.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Is this supposed to be helping? - Trust me, I'm an expert kisser.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I used to earn money teaching people how to kiss at school.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Why don't I set aside an hour tomorrow, give you a few tips
0:09:22 > 0:09:24and set you up with another date with Simon?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28No, I'm sorry, I'm not going through the humiliation of being taught to kiss in my 20s.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29I am hanging up my lips.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31What, to dry?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- Cos you're quite slobbery, you know? - Oh, piss off!- Sorry, OK.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Why do people insist on "replying all" to e-mail strings?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39I mean, I'm not coming to the party,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I don't want to read e-mail after e-mail saying,
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"Ooh, I can't wait for the pool party.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"Must warn you, though, chlorine can turn me frisky."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- OWEN LAUGHS - I was actually quite pleased with that.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- Why does chlorine turn you frisky? - All the girls are in bikinis.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- What's that got to do with the chlorine?- Well, I smell chlorine, then I remember bikinis.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I'm not going to the party. I'm going to remove myself from the string.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I am de-stringing myself.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa...
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Look at this e-mail from Phoebe Whiting!
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Who's Phoebe Whiting?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I don't know, but listen to this.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08"Holly, have you invited that strangely cute,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"funny little short arse
0:10:10 > 0:10:12"with the bad hair from uni?"
0:10:12 > 0:10:14And then, two minutes later,
0:10:14 > 0:10:17"Oops, didn't mean to reply all! Soz, awks."
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- You know what this means, don't you? - Phoebe Whiting hasn't mastered Gmail?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22No. I don't agree with her views on my hair,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24but Phoebe Whiting clearly fancies me.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28What are you on about? I'm the one she fancies, she doesn't even know who you are!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Exactly! Hence why I'm the mysterious short arse.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Come on, mate, I'm five foot seven.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Well, I'm five foot six and a half, so I win!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Bow to the true short arse, you lanky twat!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39At the party tomorrow I'll talk to Phoebe.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42I'll say, "Who do you fancy, me or Josh?" Then Phoebe and I will get off with each other.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Don't worry about that, I'll ask her myself, cos I'm coming to the party. - Good, I'll see you there!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- I'll see you there too!- Does that still mean you'll drive me? - If you'll pay petrol.- Yes!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Hi, Ian, it's Kate Anderson here.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Yeah, we dated for about a fortnight in the first year of uni?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04No, er, blonde, worked hard...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Kate! Yes, er, that's the one.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Yeah, no, yeah, I'm good, thanks.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Um...weird question. Er...could you remind me why we split up?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Exactly, not ready for a relationship. Yeah, me either.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Um...so there was nothing I was doing that put you off?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24The Vicar of Nibbly?
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Do you know the only member of ZZ Top without a beard
0:11:27 > 0:11:28is called Frank Beard?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Oh, good fact, Phoebe's going to love that.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I'm not trying to get off with you, am I? Save my best facts for Phoebe.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, so what's your best fact?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39As if I'm going to give away my best fact to a love rival.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Right! Er...
0:11:41 > 0:11:46Kate Gnashers, Buffy the Vampire Kisser, The Friday Bite Project,
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Edvard Munch, Chewbacca, Archbishop Desmond Chew Chew.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- So are we going to do those lessons? - Yes, please.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54No problem, Monster Munch!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03You'd take coleslaw to a party, wouldn't you?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- No, of course not. - No, neither would I.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Baba ghanoush?
0:12:07 > 0:12:08What's baba ghanoush?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10It's a kind of Persian salsa.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Whose party are you going to? Aladdin's?- No, the pool party.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Oh, please tell me you're not going to that.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Yeah, yeah. I thought about what you said,
0:12:17 > 0:12:18and I need to grow up and move on.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Really? Why would you suddenly decide... Oh, there's a girl you want to have sex with, isn't there?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Not necessarily, no.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Not unless she gets turned on by watching people wedgying the hell out of you.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- You said it would be fine! - That's when you weren't going. I could say what I wanted.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I'll just read a book. I'll look cerebral.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37People don't go to pool parties for cerebral, Josh.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40They go for inflatable crocodiles and splashing.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Well, I can just splash her from the side. - No-one likes a side splasher.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46When it comes to getting wet, you either go hard or you go home, dry.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Well, what am I going to do, then?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51OK, well, what I was thinking is, if the worst comes to the worst
0:12:51 > 0:12:53you can just stick to the shallow end and wade about.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Oh, that's your solution, paddling? That is unbelievable!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Not just paddling, maybe wet your hair occasionally
0:12:59 > 0:13:00by dunking your head in.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Dunk my head? This is a pool party, not an adult baptism.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07I want to get in her pants, not her church.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09What about guacamole?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10You're so sad.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a kissing lesson to attend.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Right, OK, let's get cracking.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20First off, I want you to tell me in intimate detail how you kiss.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23OK, just, er...keep your hands where I can see them.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25It's fine, Kate, I know the standard of your kissing,
0:13:25 > 0:13:26that's not going to be an issue.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27OK, fine.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Er, well...first I lean in.- Yeah?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31And then I lean out again, and they have to follow me,
0:13:31 > 0:13:35which means I regain control of the situation.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Right...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Er...and then I start kissing, sort of,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40tongue exploring every nook and cranny,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43sort of, reaching for the molars...
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Jesus Christ!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46..and then my hands come up to the neck.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47- This is better.- Yeah?- OK, yeah.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Er...sort of, one on the front, one on the back...
0:13:50 > 0:13:51Oh, God, why? Jack the Ripper!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Oh, and I keep my eyes open throughout.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Just to make sure he's not doing anything weird, like looking at me.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Right. Um... OK, Kate.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Er...cancel any meetings, cos this is going to take a while.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Joshy boy!
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Oh, Geoff, I'm really busy.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Great news.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I have solved your swimming predicament.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- Really?- Oh, yes.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Your problems are over, finito.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Well, that's good to know.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Did you know I used to coach a synchronised swimming team?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- No.- What a time.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I was 18, we had our first female prime minister,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31My Sharona was riding high in the charts.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Meanwhile, the Clacton Sardines had claimed second place
0:14:33 > 0:14:35in the Essex Intermediate Swimathon.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36What a week!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Why are you telling me this?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Building trust.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Because, right here, right now, I'm going to teach you how to swim.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Really? Do you think you can do that?- I know I can.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47But first of all, health and safety.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Do you know what these are? - Oh, God, have you got verrucas?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52No, because I always wear these.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56In fact, I quite often wear a pair under my normal socks just in case I fancy a dip at any point.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- What ARE you? - And in particularly dirty water,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I wear a pair on my hands as well.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Are you the boy in the bubble?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- Do you want to learn to swim? Yes or no?- Yes.- Well, listen up, then.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08And if you impress, I'll reward you with a pair of these bad boys.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Mm-hmm...- Mm-hmm?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- OK. Eyes!- Oh, sorry.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Yeah...
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Right!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- OK, well, you're getting there, you're getting there.- Yeah?- Yeah!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- And, er...you're sure people find the noises off-putting?- Yes, yes.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I would reserve those noises for the tennis court.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Fine. And what about the winking?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Well, I thought the winking was unintentional.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I just thought you had something in your eye.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Yeah... Yeah, no, I did, yeah.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39It's...all gone now.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42OK, well, er...now it's time for the next level.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Cool, hickies!- Hickies?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- Who gives a hicky in 2015?- Me?
0:15:47 > 0:15:48Why?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Marking my territory? - What, like you're tagging them?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- Are you Banksy?- No, of course not. I'm not that political.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Oh, my God, you have got big problems.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Right, we will deal with hickies... another day.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Um...anyway, it's time now for you to practise kissing
0:16:02 > 0:16:04on a real person's mouth.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Obviously...I'm comfortable with this.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Oh-ho-ho-ho!
0:16:08 > 0:16:12I knew it! This is just the chance you've been looking for, isn't it?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15All because you wanted a taste of the K-bomb.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I bet you made this whole thing up just so you could snog me!
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Kate, I am kissing you with a sense of acute trepidation.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23A quick reminder...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I know what you did to these apples earlier on.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Yeah, OK...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31A good swimmer should be faster than a walking man.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35In a race across a lake between Ian Thorpedo and Jesus Christ,
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I know where my money would be.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Good. So that's swimming in the public eye dealt with.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Now, on to swimming technique.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Yeah, that should hold me.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Now, I'll start with butterfly. It's my favourite stroke.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48So if you see me doing anything else,
0:16:48 > 0:16:52feel free to yell, "I can't believe it's not butterfly!"
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Keep an eye out for that.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Well, in that case you may also enjoy describing me
0:16:55 > 0:16:58as "Utterly Butterflee".
0:16:58 > 0:17:01It should actually be "butterfly," obviously. That never did work.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Bringing back all the old teacher banter.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I bet if I fall off this thing, I'll land butterfly-side up.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07- Move on, Geoff.- Yeah.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09This is the butterfly stroke...
0:17:09 > 0:17:10GEOFF GRUNTS
0:17:10 > 0:17:14So called because it mirrors the graceful flap of the butterfly wing.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16GEOFF EXHALES WILDLY
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Clearly.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Over a short distance, it's actually faster than front crawl.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I always think if I was ever in Total Wipeout
0:17:28 > 0:17:30and I fell off those big red balls,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33I'd actually use this stroke to swim back to the ladder.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Not that I would fall off the big red balls in the first place, obviously.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- So, once again... - I'm just going to use this opportunity to take a picture.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So it's arms, legs, breathing out, breathing out, breathing out,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- breathing out. Have you got that? - I've got it.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- You remember it all?- Definitely. - You sure?- Yeah.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Reckon you can do it?- Yeah.- Wrong. Butterfly is actually the hardest stroke.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57It's way beyond your capabilities, Josh. Avoid at all costs.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Good!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07OK, let me do a quick inventory. My tongue?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Yeah, all present and correct.- Yeah.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And saliva...
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Ooh, it's nominal!- Ooh! - Look at that, excellent, well done!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Good!- Er...lips? Oh...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, that's swollen, that's sore.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- No, no, that's from earlier. - Yes, it was!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Ah! No new injuries!- Yes!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Oh, that's so brilliant!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Well, it gives me great pleasure to announce that you,
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Kate Barbara Anderson, have graduated with first class honours from kissing university!
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- Oh, thank you!- Maybe a 2:1. Anyway, that means you've earned yourself another date with Simon.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Cool.- It's time for Archbishop Desmond Chew Chew
0:18:36 > 0:18:38to find out the real meaning of missionary work.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Yeah, I'm not necessarily going to put out, though.- Come on...
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Yeah, fair enough.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45The disadvantage of backstroke is you cannot see where you're going,
0:18:45 > 0:18:50so it's always best to follow the ceiling lights, unless you're swimming across a lake at night,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52in which case use the stars to navigate with.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Why would I be swimming across a lake at night?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59It takes you when it takes you, Josh!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02For me it was 1984, Lake Titicaca.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Naked. I was out there for three and a half hours. Got completely lost.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07It was a cloudy night.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10If it hadn't been for my unit rescuing me, I'd have been a goner.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12God bless the Territorial Army.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15And that is what separates man from cod.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17So...
0:19:17 > 0:19:19have we solved your little swimming problem?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Difficult to tell, Geoff, since we're on dry land,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25but, um...I'm hoping the swimming pool will be full of ironing boards.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Well, if it turns out you still can't swim, I suggest you're just honest with them.
0:19:28 > 0:19:34- They'll respect you for it. - Or I charm Phoebe before the pool and then snog her on terra firma.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Well, you'd better take a pair of rubbers to put in your back pocket just in case.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Better still, put them on beforehand.- Geoff, what are you talking about?
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Oh, right, yeah.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47God, I love a pool party.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- I once went to a mental one at Shaggy's house.- The singer?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Well, you're being a bit generous there, but yeah, it was insane.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55There was champagne, strippers...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- and someone did a wee in the pool. - Did he sing It Wasn't Me?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- It was him. Sean Paul filmed it on his phone.- Why were you at Shaggy's house?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Well, he went out with my cousin for a bit.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Then, er...you know, he did a wee in the pool, so it ended.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I'm going to tell Phoebe that. Might impress her.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I doubt it, mate, cos it's not 1997, and you're not me.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Oh, God!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Do you still think that she fancies you instead of me?- Yes!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I cannot wait to see the look on your face when I'm having sex with Phoebe.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- Why would you be looking at my face when you're having sex with Phoebe? - Ah, he's admitted it!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I'm going to be having sex with Phoebe!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Hey!- Hi.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Sorry I'm... Ooh! Oh, the double. - Of course.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- Well negotiated!- Yes.- Well done, us!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Nailed it!- Nailed on the head.- Yeah!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- Nine Inch Nails.- Yeah..! So this pub is a...
0:20:48 > 0:20:49"Nail" by mouth!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51That's it, yeah! This pub, er...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I'm really glad you brought us here, because I was looking it up.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Apparently the head chef trained under Michel Roux...
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Jimmy Nail!- Nice one! - That's another one.- Just about. Brilliant. That is nice.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Under... Under Gav... Gavroche, which is, er...yeah.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Look, sorry about last time... - No, no, no, no!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- No, no, honestly I think, no... We were both nervous.- Yeah.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Je deteste les nerves!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Do you always speak French when you're nervous?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Oui!
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- HE CHUCKLES - Je m'appelle Kate!
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Ah, bonjour, Kate!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Vous etes aussi belle comme un manteau d'ete.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Michel Roux! - THEY LAUGH
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Voulez-vous couche avec moi?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Sorry, sorry, that's... Yeah. - It's OK.- Probably get a drink first. - Yeah!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- Yeah, what would you like? - Er...gin?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Did you know Shaggy fought in the Gulf War?
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- Is that one of your facts you're going to impress Phoebe with?- No, cos that's not one of my good facts.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41If you use that fact on her, I will gazump you.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42- Boys!- BOTH: Hey!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- Get your arses in here! - Oh, my arse is coming in.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46And, er, I've brought my arse.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Downstairs toilets are for chundering,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52and if you follow me through here...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54One pool party!
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Oh, my God, amazing! I thought you'd brought us to an actual pool party!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I'm joking!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Your face!- Oh, yeah, I was joking as well.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Good play from both of us! SHE CHUCKLES
0:22:05 > 0:22:07What a start to the party, eh?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Everyone's through here. Hope you've got your trunks!
0:22:09 > 0:22:13I mean, I don't think we should discount it, it's a good game. We could play doubles.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- No, I love that one that goes like...waa-wa-waa, waa-wa-waa.- Ah!
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Oh, yeah, I don't know that one.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Yeah, it's great.- Yeah. - It's really dubby. And steppy.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- Yeah.- It's like a perfect balance of both dub and step.- OK.- Yeah.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26What's it called?
0:22:26 > 0:22:27So, here we are again!
0:22:29 > 0:22:30- Thanks for another great night. - SHE SIGHS
0:22:30 > 0:22:32J'adore le date.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Where did you learn the ear thing?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46That was like kissing...
0:22:46 > 0:22:48BOTH: Owen!
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Ooh!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:51 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- Hey! It's good, this, isn't it? - No, it's awful!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I mean, that hasn't been funny in about 20 years.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- I don't know, I still think that's funny.- You still find winding up your middle finger funny.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16How can that not be funny?
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Can we just go? I've been waiting two hours. I haven't even seen Phoebe. I feel like I've been catfished.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23In a minute a 65-year-old man's going to try to snog me.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Well, if that was the case, he'd be trying to snog me.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27How is that a victory?
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Oh, my God, look at that!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30There's some people over there drinking real ale.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Is there?- Course there isn't, you weirdo!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Ooh!
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Help me! Help me!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Sorry about my dad.- Oh, good one!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43- You're Josh, right?- Yeah, yeah.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Phoebe. AKA PhoebTheWorld@Phoebe.com...
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Oh, yeah, Phoebe, good to see you!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- How are you? - Sorry about that e-mail business.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Oh, were you that Nigerian prince? - Yeah!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53SHE CHUCKLES
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Do you want your ten grand back?
0:23:54 > 0:23:55THEY CHUCKLE
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Mmm!
0:24:02 > 0:24:03I love this stuff, what is it?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Oh, I brought that! Do you know what that is? That's baba ghanoush.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08- It's like a kind of Persian salsa. - Ooh...
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Ooh! Good to see ZZ Top could make it! - JOSH LAUGHS
0:24:11 > 0:24:12Oh, here's a fact.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Did you know the only member of ZZ Top without a beard
0:24:15 > 0:24:17is called Brian Beard?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I think you mean Frank Beard?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- Yeah, Frank Beard, but it's still a good fact, isn't it?- Awesome!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Do you fancy a game of pool?- Mm! Can I shock you? I love pool.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28I love pool too! Let's go!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Right! Everyone in the pool! Volleyball!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I love volleyball! Same team?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I've just eaten, so the health and safety police would be all over me.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Oi! If you're not in, get in! I didn't invite you to dawdle at the side!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I was just saying I've eaten, so it's not really right for me...
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Do you want to join my team, Phoebe? - Yeah, see you in there, Josh!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49No excuses. It's a pool party. Get involved!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51No, no, I am a slave to cramp.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Cramp? All right, Steven Gerrard! - What?
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Steven Gerrard famously got cramp in the 2005 Champions League final.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Oh, yeah, what a match! The miracle in Istanbul.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02I could get it up on YouTube. Why don't we hit the cinema room?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- No, hit the water!- No, I can't, no!
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- What is wrong with you? Get in the pool, mate, join us!- Join us!
0:25:08 > 0:25:09- No!- Join us!
0:25:09 > 0:25:16- THEY ALL CHANT:- Join us, join us, join us, join us, join us, join us!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18What is this, Waco?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21THEY CHANT
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Get off! Leave me alone! Get off! Get off!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25All right, all right, I can't swim!
0:25:25 > 0:25:26CHANTING STOPS
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- What?- I can't swim.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Maybe I should just have been honest with you all from the start.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- Why can't you swim?- I was allergic to chlorine as a child.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39- It affects my skin. - Oh, man. Does it hurt?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42No, it's just for, like, a few hours after,
0:25:42 > 0:25:43I go an incredible shade of red.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44OWEN SIGHS
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Mate, I had no idea.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Oh...
0:25:49 > 0:25:50But this, I've got to see!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53CHEERING
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Really flares up quickly, doesn't it?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Looks like you've been boiled.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- Is that why they called you the dog's dick?- Yes.- Yeah.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Sorry, mate, I really think the pack mentality got the better of me.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- Can we go in a minute? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Listen, um... I know this is a bit awkward but, um...
0:26:21 > 0:26:24I actually think I'm in there with Phoebe, so I was wondering,
0:26:24 > 0:26:25have you got any condoms?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- No, of course I haven't got any condoms!- Oh, OK.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29All right. I'll see you later.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- Owen?- Yes, mate?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Good news, actually, yeah, I can help you out here.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Pop a few there in your back pocket. - Oh, cheers, mate!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Don't worry about it at all!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- Sorted you out!- Cheers, mate! - That's all right!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50# Too many teardrops for one heart... #
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- Hey, Josh!- Oh, Phoebe, hey!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54How's it going?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Listen, can I, um... Can I ask you a question?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Yeah, of course.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59Have you...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01got any more baba ghanoush?
0:27:02 > 0:27:03No, I think you finished it all.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Do you know anyone that we can call to get some?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- What, like a baba ghanoush dealer? - Do you have one?
0:27:08 > 0:27:10There's no such thing as a baba ghanoush dealer.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11Hm...
0:27:11 > 0:27:12Why don't I cook it myself?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14What is this, Breaking Bad?
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- What's in it?- It's mainly aubergine.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17OK, do you have any aubergines?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19No, I don't have any aubergines.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Thanks.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Josh, you would tell me if you had an aubergine...
0:27:27 > 0:27:31- I'd tell you if I had some aubergine, yeah. - OK, I'm going to try the kitchen.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# And we'll start gathering tears
0:27:37 > 0:27:41# Way up here
0:27:41 > 0:27:45# And you'll start crying Yeah
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# 96 tears
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# Cry, cry, cry
0:27:52 > 0:27:53# Hey... #