0:00:02 > 0:00:03Come on, guys, it was an honest mistake.
0:00:03 > 0:00:06- Who series-links Babestation? - It's not even a series.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Not like it matters if you miss an episode. I'm sure you'll catch up.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10You've wiped everything!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- Not the controller.- Oh!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15This is just typical of you, Owen. You only care about yourself.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Oh, that is not true, I do care!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19That's why I made you this little present to show you I'm sorry.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- Oh, I don't want one of your mix tapes!- What's wrong with you?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23We're friends, aren't we?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25It's weird. It's shorthand for "I'm deep, let's make love".
0:00:25 > 0:00:27- I'm not your girlfriend. - I know!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29That's why I had to series-link Babestation.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Lily? It's Josh.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Oh, my God, hey!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- Josh from school?- Josh from school.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I wrote your Lord Of The Flies coursework for you!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Oh, yeah. Thanks.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- So, I'm a comedian now.- Wow!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- I know, yeah!- No, seriously, wow!
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Yeah, I know, thanks.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12You are literally the last person I would have expected.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14I mean, you weren't at all funny at school.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17I mean, I never spoke to you but you didn't look funny.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I mean, you looked funny, but you didn't look FUNNY.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Right, OK.- So is that quite an unreliable job, then?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Do you have a pension? - No, no, no. Toying with an ISA.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- God, you're what my dad would call a drain on society.- Right.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Actually, what are you doing tomorrow night?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Why?- Come for a drink.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Are you a financial advisor?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40No, I mean socially.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43What? Me and you together, at the same time? Yeah, definitely.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45And maybe we could take photos and put them on Facebook
0:01:45 > 0:01:47so people from school can see what we're up to?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- No, don't do that. - No, I won't do that, I was joking.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- Are these clean or not?- What the hell are you doing in here?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Tidying the flat before my mum gets here.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06She needs my bedroom so you're going in with Owen, and I'm in here.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07They don't go in there. They're clean!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11You call these clean? I think you need to start using hotter washes.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Right, give me them here.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Anyway, anyway this doesn't matter,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17cos you're not going to believe what's just happened to me.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20What do these two words mean to you? Lily Riley.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Er, the massive bitch who melted my Trevor and Simon ruler.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Or you might remember her as the hottest girl in school.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Nope, I remember her as the cow who stole my training bra
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- and then brought it in for show-and-tell.- Well, it's funny!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33She said it was for transporting acorns,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- but that it wouldn't hold enough for a squirrel's lunch!- That's funny!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Big mistake. You mess with the K-Bomb, you're going
0:02:38 > 0:02:40to get ink on your Naf Naf jacket!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Oh, come on, Kate. You need to move on. It's not the '90s any more.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46But if it was, I would be sat on the back seat of the bus with
0:02:46 > 0:02:50the hottest girl in school, cos I have a date with Lily Riley.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- You're going on a date with Lily Riley?- Oh, yeah!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- This is fantastic!- I know!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Look how far she has fallen!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Reduced to going on a date with a guy
0:02:59 > 0:03:01she used to call the Fresh Prince of Bell End!
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Did she? That doesn't matter.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Maybe she was playing hard to get, or maybe she was intimidated by me.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08She was out of my league physically,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I was out of her league intellectually.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12There's no such thing as an intellectual league.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Oh, really? Then why was I in top maths?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Because you didn't have a social life!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Look, to be honest, she had her pick of the football team.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I'm not sure she was secretly yearning for the spotty blond
0:03:21 > 0:03:22in the Umbro manager's jacket.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25It was a nice jacket! Ruud Gullit had one!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Oh, you are so sad sometimes,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30it makes me want to cry! Also, you hated her.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Remember her boyfriend pulled down your trousers
0:03:32 > 0:03:34in front of everyone and you got the nickname "The Grape"?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Yes.- Who pulled down his trousers? - No, you don't need to...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- It was at school.- No, shush-shush! - Craig Lemington pulled down
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- his trousers in the tuck shop... - No, don't tell him!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- ..and his knob looked like a grape. - A grape?
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Wasn't going to find it arousing, was I?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- What kind of grape?- No, that's not the point, the point...- Seedless!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51The point is that my trousers are going to be down
0:03:51 > 0:03:53near Lily Riley again, but this time, on my terms.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55You do know flashing is a crime?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57No, what I mean is, she wants to pull down my trousers.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Why would she want to do that? Is she opening a vineyard?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01You're both just jealous
0:04:01 > 0:04:03cos I'm going out with the hottest girl in school.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, oh, yeah. And she was notoriously picky.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I mean, she only slept with
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- every single bouncer in Torquay. - No, she didn't.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- They used to radio each other to say she was on her way.- No, they didn't!
0:04:12 > 0:04:13And, her dad was that judge.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16And when he found out Craig Lemington kissed Lily,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18he put him in jail for a week without trial.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- No, no-one's got those powers! - And he hit one of her boyfriends
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- in the balls with a golden gavel.- Right.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- A - where would he have got a golden gavel?- 25 years of service?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Right. And B - these are urban myths.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Fair enough. Just remember, Josh,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32think with your head, not with your grape.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Get away from my grape.- Little grapey.- Get away from my grape.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Why are these Top Trumps everywhere? Do you even use them?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43They are educational!
0:04:43 > 0:04:44OK, look, Owen.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47When my mum gets here, you are on your best behaviour, OK?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50She is turning 50 and it is vital she has a good time.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51So no Babestation?
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- God! Just try and show you care for once.- I do care!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Why do you keep saying that? I'm a master of talking to mums,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59aunties, cool grans.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01If they were giving out qualifications for charming
0:05:01 > 0:05:04the slightly older lady, I would have a GNVQ.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07OK, cool. Well, she likes all the normal mum stuff, OK?
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Like Magic FM, er, Great British Bake Off, me, my sister...
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Well, soon she's going to have a new thing to like.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15- DOORBELL RINGS - This guy!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17OK, well... Look, it's not been long since my dad left,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19so just don't be a dickhead.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Mum!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Hello, darling! You did give me the right address.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27There's a terrible smell out there.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- I've checked my shoes but I think it must just be the hallway.- Er, OK.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31Hello!
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Hello.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- Owen, this is Judith.- You didn't tell me you had a sister, Kate.- Umm.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- Umm - I'm her mother. - Oh! Mother?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Could have fooled me, hold the front page, world's youngest mother!
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- Actually, that's quite a bleak news story.- You should see her sister.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49She's four years older, had three children,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51looks younger than both of us. Doesn't she, Kate?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Thanks, Mum.- No, she must have good genes.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55She could be our granddaughter, couldn't she, Kate?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Well, she's immature, if that's what you mean.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Jumped on it, haven't you? Just jumped on it.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01I wasn't jumping on anything.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03You've just got here and now you're...
0:06:03 > 0:06:08- Guys, you left the front door wide open.- Oh!- And who might you be?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Kate, you didn't tell me you were subletting to Goldie Hawn.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Geoff, this is my mum Judith. Judith, this is Geoff, our landlord.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Oh!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Beauty begat beauty.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Is it important, Geoff? Mum is just settling in, so...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Yeah, I just came round to see if my man Owen is still OK to
0:06:24 > 0:06:27help me out in a couple of days, clearing out one of my garages.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I own three garages, Judith. Large enough for a sports car.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Yeah. Could do with a hand, Owen?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Give the back a bit of a rest.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I er, I did it moving my music centre.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I've got...I've got a music centre.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44It's quadruple deck. You can record directly off radio.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Wow.- It's all good with me, Geoff.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49And I also came round
0:06:49 > 0:06:54to see if anyone needs a tour of London Town. Judith?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57We could start at a lovely Italian restaurant I know.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Have you been to Spaghetti House?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Er, sorry, Geoff, but I've already agreed to show Judith around,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- isn't that right, Judith? - Oh, yes, that's right.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05- Yes...Owen.- Sorry, mate.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- Can I come? - No. Anything else, Geoff?- No.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Owen is quite the romantic swordsman, isn't he?
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- OK, thank you, Geoff.- Geoffrey will have to raise his game.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Yeah, people think comedy is exciting and glamorous.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29But I haven't been on holiday for four years.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Last year, I earned so little, I didn't even have to pay income tax.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Amazing.- You really like that?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Yeah. I love it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I'm sick of the same old "Lily, why don't you settle down?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"Why don't you give me some grandchildren?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"Why don't you stop setting fire to things?"
0:07:45 > 0:07:50If I want to sleep with some deadbeat, I will.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51I only own one pair of shoes.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- Keep talking.- This watch come out of a cereal packet.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Now you're just showing off.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Let's get some atmosphere in here. Do you want to dim the lights?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05What's wrong with these light switches?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08How am I meant to know which one corresponds to which switch?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Yeah, those are for the kitchen lights.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13It makes no sense. Who wired this place - Wile E Coyote?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I mean, in a minute, an anvil's going to fall on me.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18- Is this one of your routines? - Do you think it should be?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Not if you want to start paying income tax.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24This is a nice place, isn't it?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26How do you afford it?
0:08:26 > 0:08:27I don't. It's my dad's.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Your dad lives here?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Ah, speak of the devil.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Hello, Lily. And you are?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Hello, I'm Josh.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Don't touch the marble.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Josh and I have just been out drinking together.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I wouldn't say drinking. We just had one or two very quiet drinks.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46I had a shandy. And I didn't even finish it.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48I'll leave that one over there, I think.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Josh is a comedian.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- He's so skint, I had to pay for everything.- Did you?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56- PHONE RINGS - I'll get it.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58His watch is from a cereal packet.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Listen, boy, I've moved to London to keep an eye on my daughter
0:09:05 > 0:09:08and I won't have yet another boyfriend messing things up.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Did she say I'm her boyfriend?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12No, and she never will. Do you even have a pension?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I'm toying with an ISA.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16ISAs are not to be toyed with.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I don't like comedians.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21No time for jokes. "A horse walks into a bar"?
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Not on my watch. No animals near food preparation areas.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- Very wise.- Look, I'm in the middle of a very difficult case.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I'm tired and I can't be arsed with this.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36So you and your jokes just toddle off home now. There's a good lad.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Yes, your honour. Just get my coat.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48To the left.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Thank you.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- Mum?- Don't think so. - (What are you doing up?)
0:09:58 > 0:09:59- I'm just back from Lily's.- Ssh!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02(I'm back from Lily's. And next on the agenda, a piss.)
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Oh, no, you can't! My mum's asleep. You'll wake her.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- You piss for ages.- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10You told me last week you pissed for so long, you became genuinely bored!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I'd forgotten my phone. Now let me past.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14You know what it's like for me. When I've got to go, I've got to go.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16No, no! No midnight pissing while my mum is here.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19If you wanted to empty your bladder, you should've done it earlier.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20One old person turns up,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23you start running this place like a dodgy care home.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I should film this and send it to Watchdog.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Now, I've had a stressful night, let me past!- Oh, why?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Did Lily pull down your trousers in front of the tuck shop?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Worse, her Dad showed up and threw me out the house
0:10:33 > 0:10:35just as we were about to get down to it.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Firstly, only James Brown says "get down to it".
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Secondly, Lily lives with her dad? Brilliant!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Thirdly, you're going to be the only person ever to have dated
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Lily Riley and not had sex with her.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47You could be on Record Breakers.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Not true. I got a text from her on the way home.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Her dad throwing me out really got her going.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54(I'm bringing her back here tomorrow night.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57(If I was you, I would hide my training bra.)
0:10:57 > 0:10:59(Oh, you are not going to bring that bitch back here.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00(If you do, I'm going to
0:11:00 > 0:11:02(put a bucket of soapy water above the door.)
0:11:02 > 0:11:05(All right, Dave Benson Phillips. Why are you up, anyway?)
0:11:05 > 0:11:08(My mum described her weekend with my sister as
0:11:08 > 0:11:10("her greatest experience as a mother".
0:11:10 > 0:11:12(I'm just feeling the pressure a bit. Can't sleep.)
0:11:12 > 0:11:15(You can't sleep? You should try going in with Owen.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18(Last time I top-and-tailed with him, I woke up with his toe in my mouth.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21(I had been having a dream about a Chupa Chups!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24(Actually, maybe your mum could go in with Owen,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27(then I could have my bed back. They seem to be getting on all right.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- (What do you mean by that?) - (What's your problem?)- (Nothing.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34(Just something that Geoff said. He implied Owen and my mum were...)
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- (Getting down to it?) - (Stop using that phrase!)
0:11:36 > 0:11:38(I think they would make a lovely couple.)
0:11:38 > 0:11:41(Oh, just go and have your quiet piss.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44(And hit the porcelain, not the water.)
0:11:52 > 0:11:55But you've had girlfriends before, Joshy?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Yeah, but she's different. Her dad absolutely hates me.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I mean, I don't think he's going to let me...be with her.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03You know, I have been around long enough to know what you mean
0:12:03 > 0:12:05by "be with her".
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Oh, I want to be with her so much, Judith.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I want to be with her in every room of the house.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Oh, little Joshy.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13You were always so special.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Do you know, you were the only boy we ever let come on sleepovers?
0:12:16 > 0:12:17That's flattering.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Hmm. You want to be careful. This one sounds like trouble.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23She reminds me of that nasty little cow that used to bully
0:12:23 > 0:12:24- Kate at your school.- Lily Riley?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Yes, that's the one, addicted to dating failures.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Drove her father mad. Left most of them wrecked.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'd be amazed if any of those poor boys ever managed
0:12:32 > 0:12:34to have a relationship again.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- But she did sleep with them? - Oh, yes. She...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Happy birthday, Mum.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Oh, my goodness me!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42There you go.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Oh, my goodness. Almost forgotten.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Is that me?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49No, it's Mary Berry. It's a Mary Berry cake.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Oh! Well, she'd struggle to use that as ID, wouldn't she?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55The Queen would stand a better chance, wouldn't she?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Oh, honestly, you shouldn't have.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01OK. Well, er, you're going to love your present!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Ta-da!
0:13:03 > 0:13:07THEY MIMIC TRUMPET FANFARE
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- It's a Paul Hollywood jigsaw! - It is, yeah.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Look at that. A 3,000-piece jigsaw.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Oh, you shouldn't have, really.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Oh, look - Mary, Mary, it's Paul. "Hello, Mary."
0:13:19 > 0:13:23- "Got a soggy bottom, Paul?" - You don't like it, do you?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26You prefer what my sister got you, don't you?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- What did she get you? - Oh. A handbag.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- What kind of handbag?- Brown. - What make?
0:13:30 > 0:13:35- Mulberry. But I like both presents equally.- Yeah, right.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Oh, no. Look what I've done now. She's rouging.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40- Oh, yeah. - You're rouging, aren't you, darling?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- I'm not.- She's rouging. You are rouging.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- Stop it. Don't join in! - Half woman, half apple!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I'm not rouging! I'm not rouging, Mum!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49She's always rouging.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Oh, don't be so sensitive. Come on.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Let's, oh...- Is she...?
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Ah. Hello, Judith. A little birdy told me it was your birthday.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00And I couldn't let the occasion pass without saying how much
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I appreciate you.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Really? But we only met yesterday. - Yeah.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08And as soon we met I thought of one thing, and one thing only.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Spa!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- The shop?- No, the thing.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14I am a member of a little health spa down the road.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Really? - Yes. So I got you a ticket,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20for some treatments tomorrow evening.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Oh. extraordinary.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25You know, I've never been to a spa in my life,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28and in the last two weeks I have been to two.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Because her sister bought me the most incredible...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- Oh, well done her.- Jumped on it.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- I didn't jump on it. I'm just saying well done her!- Jumped on it.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Happy birthday, Judith!
0:14:38 > 0:14:39- Oh, hello, Owen.- Oh, hello, Geoff.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I've just, er, treated Judith to some pampering tomorrow evening.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Can you beat that?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Well, you know. Just got you a little something.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Oh, you shouldn't really, honestly.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Kate told me that you like music so...I made you this.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Oh, you shouldn't have, really! A mix tape!
0:14:55 > 0:14:56A mix tape, interesting.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Yeah, a mix tape. Yeah, I can make you a copy of that
0:14:59 > 0:15:01on my er, music centre.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03"Now That's What I Call Judith"!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It's all the biggest hits from every year of your life.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- So just the 21 tracks.- I'm not 21!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10I can't believe it. And I won't believe it.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Have you heard of Eagle-Eye Cherry?
0:15:13 > 0:15:14No, I don't think I have, Owen.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Well, when you do, You'll want to Save Tonight,
0:15:16 > 0:15:18because to celebrate Judith being 50 years young,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I thought why don't we go to the pub for some drinks?
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- How does that sound?- You don't have to do this, Owen.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25It's fine. You know it's in my nature to care.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28No, you can stop. My mum doesn't even like going to the pub, anyway.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29- So it's...- I'd love that, Owen.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- Thank you.- Aw! - OK, well, I'm coming too.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- Yes, of course you are, darling. - Me too.- No.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- You don't remember Nigel Lawson? - I do remember Nigel Lawson, yes!
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- And his daughter now, I suppose, Nigella.- Yeah. Of course.- Yeah, I had a dream about Nigel Lawson.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Yeah, of course. As it's your birthday, how about some bubbly?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Oh, there's no need to buy champagne.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Er, barman, can I have a bottle of your finest champagne, please?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I can vouch that she's over the age of 18.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Honestly, what a gentleman.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I've only ever been bought champagne once before.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01And that was by Kate's sister in Paris.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Yeah, I'll get it. I'll get the champagne.- Thank you.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- 45 quid!- Here it comes.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Right, Judith. As it's your special day,
0:16:09 > 0:16:12why don't we link arms, like they do in the films,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- and toast the most exciting and fun chapter of your life.- Which?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20It's the one that's still to come! How does that sound? So, cheers!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Cheers!- Here we go.- Cheers.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Hmm. Happy birthday!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27THEY LAUGH
0:16:31 > 0:16:34# They say that you're the runaround lover
0:16:34 > 0:16:39# Though you say it isn't so
0:16:39 > 0:16:44# But if you put me down for another
0:16:44 > 0:16:47# I'll know, believe me, I'll know... #
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Don't expect much from my place. It's pretty basic.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- We can always just stay at mine.- No, we're almost there now.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54So we might as well go there.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Shame. Dad's got his legal mates round.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59They're probably watching a Judge Judy marathon
0:16:59 > 0:17:01with their wigs on. You're so lucky living on your own.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- I've actually got a couple of flatmates.- Oh, who do you live with?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07A couple of fellow underachievers. One's a failed photographer.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- What does the other one do? - He's Welsh.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Do you remember that awful Kate girl that you used to hang out with?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- She was so lame. - She was all right!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Nut nipples? No, she wasn't. She was in top maths.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Oh, yeah! What a lamo.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23God, I wonder what happened to her?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27You know, for her GCSE's, she got straight A stars. What a loser!
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Yeah, qualifications are so pointless.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I failed everything. You?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Didn't bother checking. - I'd kill her if I saw her again.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36She once tried to flick ink on my Naf Naf jacket.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It backfired and she got herself in the face.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42In the face? Interesting. Right, well, here we are, chez Josh.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- PHONE RINGS - Ah. Nice.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Kate? - No, that's a different Kate.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50She's a, er, unemployed graffiti artist.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52So I just need to take this, I won't be a second.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Hey, Kate, how are things down at the wreck?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58You got any, er, new sprays recently?
0:17:58 > 0:17:59What?
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Look, Owen bought my mum a mix tape earlier. Now he's feeding her
0:18:03 > 0:18:06champagne and telling her she looks like a woman ten years her junior.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Oh, come on, be serious. He's not actually trying to bang your mum.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I mean, think about it, can you actually imagine them having sex?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Mmm.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17# Something tells me I'm into something good... #
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Oh. my. God!
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- It's easy. You're really on form! - THEY GIGGLE
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Right, that's it. I'm bringing Mum home right now.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29No, no, no, no, no! No, you can't do that, Kate? No! Kate?
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Hello?!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Everything OK?
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Yeah, she's just worried the rozzers have found her stencil.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38So are we going in?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- I have lost my keys.- That's fine, let's just go back to mine.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Your dad's place? No, I can't because - umm, my inhaler's in there
0:18:46 > 0:18:48and I can't go a night without it.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Inhaler? You are the gift that keeps on giving.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Hey, hang on. Um, what are these?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55They're my car keys.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57You've got a Chubb lock on your car?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- You can never be too safe.- Oh, God!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I think, I don't want you to get cold,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09so maybe you should go home. Maybe we can meet up tomorrow night.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Er, OK. Dinner and then drinks at mine?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- Won't your dad be there? - Oh, don't worry.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- He'll be fast asleep by the time we get back.- Do you promise?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19You are so pathetic. God, I want you to come back now.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- No, I can't.- Are you at least going
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- to walk me home? - I'll walk you to a taxi rank.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26- Have you got any money for the cab?- No.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Amazing! My Dad is going to hate this!
0:19:34 > 0:19:37And then she was so turned on by the fact I didn't have the
0:19:37 > 0:19:40money for a cab that she dragged me down an alleyway.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- And then just before we were about to get down to it...- No!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Sorry, just before we're about to get steamy...
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Even worse! - ..a policeman saw us.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48He thought I was mugging her! I almost got arrested!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50My God! If you can't have sex with Lily
0:19:50 > 0:19:53while you're down an alleyway, then it's never going to happen.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- It's like her home turf.- Sadly, her home turf is her dad's house.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58But tonight, we're going to wait till he's asleep,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01we're going to sneak back there and finally I'm going to get my end away.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Eurgh! I miss "steamy". - This is your fault.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04I wouldn't be in this position
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- if you hadn't come home so early! - Yeah. That didn't even help.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I was still up till about five worrying.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12And then, and then, I had a nightmare that Owen and my mum
0:20:12 > 0:20:14are playing Twister and Owen folded
0:20:14 > 0:20:15the mat in half so it was more intimate.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Well, you don't need to worry, cos your future stepdad's out all day.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20He's helping Geoff clean out his garage.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I'm too tired to even pretend that's an euphemism.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24Oh, she's surfaced.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Mum, I can sleep until one o'clock if I want. It's my own home.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Well, technically you rent. And I chip in.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Now, you seem very stressed.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I mean, I do feel awful about tipping you out of your bedroom
0:20:33 > 0:20:35and everything but I don't want you to come out in hives.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Mum! I don't get hives.- Whatever.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Oh, do you know? I think I've got just the thing. Wait here.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I'd guess massage oils. If she hasn't already used them with Owen.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Why don't you go and fail to have sex down an alleyway, mate?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I keep telling you, Owen - lift from the knees.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Just as well I got you to sign that waiver.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Well, to be honest, Geoff, when you asked me to help,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- I assumed we'd be working together. - I told you about my bad back, Owen.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09Why have you bought the new garage?
0:21:09 > 0:21:14Closer to home. Look, sit down. Let's just cut the banter.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Sit down. Let's have a bit of man chat.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20So...
0:21:20 > 0:21:25Did, um, did the mechanic fit the spark plug last night?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Er, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm not sure?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Did the diplomat sign the treaty?
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I don't understand?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You're going to force me to use vulgar words, aren't you?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Did you... "lie" with Judith last night?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50What? No. Of course not!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Look, look, Owen, the thing is, right...
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Actually, this is really uncomfortable.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- There's a reason they're designed like that.- Yeah.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02The thing is, Owen, you're a young man.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05You've got the pick of the orchard, so to say.
0:22:05 > 0:22:11Whereas, my apple tree hasn't borne fruit for some time now.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Tell you what, I'm just going to
0:22:12 > 0:22:14finish these last few boxes here, Geoff,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17and then actually...
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Is that the time? I've got to be somewhere as well.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Have you? Where have you got to be?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Wouldn't you like to know?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Unmistakable. Soap.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Ha-ha! Brilliant!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- You're not your mum! - Oh, my God! What are you doing here?
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Visiting your mum.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Well, she's at home. Oh, you didn't think you were going to...
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Oh, I don't want to think about it!
0:23:00 > 0:23:01I am a red-blooded male, Kate.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Shut up! This is supposed to be relaxing.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I'm almost having a bubble bath with my landlord.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Why are you smiling?
0:23:11 > 0:23:12I'm sitting on a jet.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14God, get off the jet!
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- Ah!- Oh right, I'm turning off the jets. Jesus!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- Aren't you supposed to be working with Owen?- I sent him home early.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28But my mum's at home! And Josh is out with Lily.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Oh, that means my mum and Owen are at home alone together!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Oh, I see what's happened here.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37The old "nothing untoward happened last night" trick.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Well played, maestro. I bow to your greater skills.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41What is that supposed to mean?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Well, they're obviously having intercourse.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Why? - This is not the time or the place.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Shhh!- What?
0:23:57 > 0:23:58What if your dad hears?
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Oh, is Joshy scared of Daddy?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I'm not scared, no, I'm not scared of him.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04He can't hear anything. He's fast asleep with his earplugs in.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Hey dad! You prick! Wake up!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Dad! You total bell-end! You have a go.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Mr riley,you're a massive wanker!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13All right, he's still my dad.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Sorry, sorry, sorry. - I'm just joking!- Oh.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Hello?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26You know, I never really thought I'd enjoy this,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28but it is very satisfying.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Hello? Hello? It's me, Kate, your daughter!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I know what you're doing! I want you to stop right now!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Oh, darling, we've nearly finished.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Oh...sorry!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45I thought... Actually, don't worry what I thought.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Just, er, carry on with the jigsaw.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- What did you think we were doing? - Oh, nothing, nothing!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54There must've been something you wanted us to stop.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56No, no, nothing, really. Nothing important.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Cup of tea, anyone?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Well, if you're making one, milk and one sugar for me,
0:25:00 > 0:25:04milk and no sugar for Judith cos, umm, she's sweet enough already.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Cool, no sugar. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I'll use that mug you like, the one with the frog on it,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10that we got in Bognor Regis
0:25:10 > 0:25:13and you said it looked like me, but that's offensive, but it's fine.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Um, and I'll use the Welsh one for you, Owen,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17cos you're Welsh and... Are you having sex with my mum?!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Sorry. No, no, I'm not sorry. I need to know.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Are you two having sex?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26No, darling, this is a jigsaw. Did we never have that chat?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Good, good. Three teas coming up.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Get ready for tea! Tea time!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Why did you think we were having sex?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35I don't know - the mix tape,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39the mounting each other on the pool table, Geoff told me in a Jacuzzi...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41What were you doing in a Jacuzzi with Geoff?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43That's not the main issue here, Owen.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46What, you thought that Owen and I...?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Don't, don't say it but yes, I did.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Sorry. I just...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52No, no, no, no. Don't be sorry.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Don't be sorry. I'm flattered!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Really?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58It's made my day. What a perfect birthday present!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Better than a Mulberry handbag?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Oh, darling, no comparison.
0:26:02 > 0:26:07You thought that Owen would like to lie naked with me! Owen?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- Hello! - OK, let's not dwell on that, please.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Kate, stop being such a prude.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14I mean, women don't just stop having sex at 40.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17I think if anything, you become more sexually confident with age.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Don't you want your mum to enjoy her body?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22No. I want her to enjoy her jigsaw.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Oh, darling, your sister would have let me.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Oh, my God. You're traumatising me right now.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Jumped on it.- What? No, I haven't! - What? What? What have I said now?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- I would never get away with saying that to my parents.- Oh, yeah.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36And then I told him about the cab and he was like proper furious.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Really went off on one. It was brilliant.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40"Surely he had change on him? I mean he looks homeless."
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Good one.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44God, I would love it if you were homeless.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51SHE GASPS
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Just before we get down to it, I just need to go to the toilet.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01Get down to it? Oh - who even says that!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Yeah. Um, it's just across the hallway.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- I'll just be in here. - Oh, my God!
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Unlucky, mate! I'm just about to have sex with your wayward daughter.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Oh, come on, these bloody light switches!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21SWITCHES CLICK LOUDLY
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Get down, get down
0:27:36 > 0:27:37# Get down, get down... #
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Oh, good one!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40You're going to love this.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- I put a pair of boxer shorts in the bed her mum slept in.- Oh!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Very funny.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Those weren't the ones I left there.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# Get down, get down
0:27:51 > 0:27:52# Get down, get down
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# Jungle boogie
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- # Jungle boogie - Get it on
0:28:16 > 0:28:18- # Jungle boogie - Get it on, yeah
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- # Jungle boogie - Get it on
0:28:20 > 0:28:22- # Jungle boogie - Get up with the boogie
0:28:22 > 0:28:23# Jungle boogie... #