0:00:03 > 0:00:06- Hmm. You know why the Guinness tastes so smooth in Dublin?- No?
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- Fun fact for you, they add milk. - No, they don't!
0:00:08 > 0:00:12- Yes, they do. Google it. - All right. I will, fine.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16- In fact, I bet you five euros. - How do you get 3G? Oh, here we go.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Oh, what am I going to spend my winnings on? Oh, I know.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Lots of cans of British Guinness and some milk.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Ah-ha-ha-ha! "Water, hops, barley, yeast" and no milk.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Easiest money I've ever made!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31400 quid data roaming charge?!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33But I didn't even use 3G!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Oh, no!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51That phone bill has completely wiped me out, just for googling whether
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Guinness tastes better in Dublin.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- Well, it's the milk, isn't it? - No, it is not the milk.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59The money I spent going to Dublin, I could have been having cocktails in Moscow.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Do you know how they make White Russians so smooth in Moscow?- Is it the milk?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05- No, technically it's fresh cream. - Look, can we just move on?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09- What do you want to do now? - Well, something without you following me around.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- The only reason you came to the bank is because you can't be on your own. - No, I came to do some banking.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- We're not with the same bank! - It's a competitive market. You've got to shop around.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Landlord's here - hide your doobie stash!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- I don't have a doobie stash, Geoff. - Course not, Mr Marley.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- I got your text. Why did you send out the Geoff signal?- You know why!
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Josh, you told me it would be OK to store a few things for a week or so, so I did.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Come on, look at it!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I don't want a grand piano in my living room, Geoff.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35It looks like I'm subletting to Billy Joel.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39And I can't eat a fry-up and watch "Flog It!" at the same time.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43You know me, I like telly first thing in the morning. It helps me vibe into the day.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45What do you want a telly for, when you've got a grand piano?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47A lot of people would give their right arm for one of those.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I mean, the irony being you'd struggle to play anything, obviously.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- Scales, nursery rhymes...- Geoff!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Yeah, look, it's not permanent. - Why is it here in the first place?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59My brother bought it when he was out storage hunting and -
0:01:59 > 0:02:03actually, actually, you'll like this - you can use this in one of your skits, right?
0:02:03 > 0:02:07He bought it when he was out storage hunting, the thing is he hasn't got any storage!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09So...
0:02:09 > 0:02:11None at all.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15See, I said I'd put it here. No, it's fine.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I've got it on eBay. I've got a 95% approval rating
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and in a perfect world it would be a 100, but you know,
0:02:21 > 0:02:25you sell one flammable armchair to a care home, all of a sudden you're the bad guy.
0:02:25 > 0:02:30To be fair, though, it does give the place a certain air of, er, romance.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- It's like being in Pretty Woman. - No prostitutes on the piano, Owen,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- or I'll have to dock your deposit! - This is unacceptable.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- All right, maybe just the ones with a heart of gold.- Not the prostitutes, Geoff. The piano.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Get rid of the piano!- Yeah, get rid of it, Geoff. We're done with the piano!- Yeah.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47All right, all right. Look, I appreciate you doing me this favour,
0:02:47 > 0:02:52which is why I have gone to the trouble of getting you all a little something
0:02:52 > 0:02:55to show how much I care.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- Aw...- Aw...- First of all, the lady of the house.- Oooh?!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- Champagne and chocolates. - ALL:- O-o-o-h!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03HE WHISTLES
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Is this some sort of joke?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I'm not a Borrower.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10No, they're for keeps.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I think I deserve a bit more than this, Geoff?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15- Well, you got a grand piano. - That's the bloody issue!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Well, let's see if boys are any more grateful.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20For the boys, I have...
0:03:20 > 0:03:25- a pair of free tickets for the darts tomorrow night.- No way!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- You're joking!- Oh, my God. Geoff, that is amazing.- Incredible. How did you get hold of these?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Ask no questions, hear no lies.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- This is the best thing you've ever done!- Oh, wow. Oh, my God! - I can't wait! Ha-ha!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- You actually want to go to the darts?- Yeah, it's amazing.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38It's a fully sanctioned piss-up.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Last time I went, I got so hammered I spewed in one of those foam hands.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- Probably the best moment of my life! - Oh, yeah. I saw a guy singing We Are The Champions
0:03:45 > 0:03:47while having his stomach pumped. It's like a wonderland!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Right, we'll start off - pint with breakfast...- Yes!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- No, scrap that. Pint FOR breakfast - Yes!- Get straight down there - wallop.- No, no, no, no!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I can't go. I can't afford it.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- Oh, no, no, no they're free. They're free.- Yeah, it's fine.- No, no, no.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I can't afford to drink. I can't go to the darts sober.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Oh.- Can't you just go and enjoy the darts for the darts?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Sorry, Kate. I don't understand the question.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Don't worry about it, mate. We'll sort it somehow.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- How much money have you got? - About 30 quid.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Well, can we split it.- £15 each?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24- We're going to the darts, not a carvery.- What the hell am I going to do, then?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26We could do what my friend from school, Chris Legs, used to do.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- You've got a friend called Chris Legs?- Yeah.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33- His real name's Chris Harris, but everyone calls him Chris Legs, cos his cousin's got nice legs.- What?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Imagine that, being defined by your cousin's legs. - How is this helping?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40- Chris Legs never buys a drink, but has been drunk since France '98. - Really? How does he do it?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Well, he employs various methods.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- He eats a lot of chocolate liqueurs - they're surprisingly strong. - Chocolate liqueurs?
0:04:46 > 0:04:51- Yeah, he works out that 50 chocolate liqueurs is about half a pint of Carlsberg.- Right?
0:04:51 > 0:04:55The problem is, you eat 200 chocolate liqueurs and you're not that pissed,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- but you have got diabetes. - Right, I'm going to pass on that one.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02- He used to drink a lot of whiskey samples from supermarkets.- Can you get away with that?- Well, not really.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07He got rumbled. Now he's banned from Nisa, Happy Shopper, Londis, Spar, every Tesco as far north as Stoke.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Last I heard, he had to join Ocado.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- I don't want to join Ocado.- No.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Minesweeping!- What's minesweeping? - It's where you go round pubs
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and you down any unfinished drinks.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I want to get drunk. not Hepatitis B!
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- What do homeless people do?- Begging!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I'm not going to beg.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Please, just give me 50 quid! - I can't.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I can't trust you not to spend it on googling
0:05:25 > 0:05:27why Um Bongo is so good in the Congo.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- Just want to go to the darts. I'll give it back.- I've got it now. I've cut out the middle man.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35If you don't give me 50 quid, I'm going to tell people about your 18th birthday.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36You, me and a Pizza Hut buffet.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39It's... Christmas birthdays are difficult to get people to come to.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Your birthday's December the 2nd. - Yeah. The start of the party season. - Not for you, it isn't.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47OK. Well, if you tell people that, I'll tell people about your 18th birthday.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49You, on your own, with Chicken Run on DVD.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54- OK, OK. But how am I going to get drunk at the darts, then? - Can't you just get some cheap booze
0:05:54 > 0:05:58- from the corner shop and smuggle it in.- Oh, and how do you expect to do that?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Put a bottle of Becks in a condom and shove it up my arse?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I was thinking more pocket, but whatever floats your bloat.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07That's ridiculous. I don't have the skills to sew a bottle into a teddy bear.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- I don't know. What if you put it into a flask and pretend it's tea? - What is this?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Famous Five Go To The Darts?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Josh, you're in the presence of a genius.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I've solved your problems, mate.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Come with me to my cousin's wedding tomorrow.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Oh, I knew he'd ask you out eventually!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Why would I want to come to your cousin's wedding? - Take a seat, my friend.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31Now, I've heard it said that darts without beer money is the impossible dream.
0:06:31 > 0:06:36Well, they said that about me getting a B in my GCSE Media Studies and did I manage that?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Why don't you take it up with the guys and gals at UCAS?!
0:06:39 > 0:06:43I've also heard it said that weddings are about love and romance.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45No, they're about a free bar that can get us hammered
0:06:45 > 0:06:47in preparation for the darts.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Oh, my God. Owen, that's a brilliant idea!- Yes!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53It's a fully sanctioned piss-up, but in the eyes of God.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57And everything's free. Free drinking, free eating, free parking.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- But he doesn't have a car. - Well, he should get one.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- Cos I know somewhere he can park it for free between 12 and eight tomorrow.- You are a genius!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Ha-ha-ha. I know!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Oh, here he is.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Wow. So you got that work experience placement, then? Congrats.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- It's a nice suit!- Yes, it is.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20And, er, if you shift enough rental properties in the next few weeks,
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- they might make your position permanent.- Yes, very good.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25To be fair, mate, that suit is a little roomy.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26It's all right for off-the-peg.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28Yeah, but where was the peg from - Jacamo?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30How am I the problem? He's in his pants.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Well, at least his skin fits him properly.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Yeah. Tailored by God. And they used a little bit too much material in certain places,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- if you, er, know what I mean? - Talking about your massive arse -
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- was your mum a baboon?- What? It's not that bad, is it?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- You're the Welsh J-Lo.- Oh, thanks.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48- Sure you don't want me to sort you another plus-one for this wedding? - No. I'm having a new phone
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- delivered. I'm just going to stay in and chill out on my own. - Chill out on your own?! You?!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- Without a phone, you're going to go insane!- Yeah. A bit like when you lock a Jack Russell in a car
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- and you come back and all the seats have been torn to shreds!- Er, no.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- I've been going out too much recently. So, I just need to stay in and have some me time.- BOTH:- Ohhh.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Oh, me time.- OK, yeah. I get you, I get you.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- No, not that kind of me time. - Me time.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Oh, cos when you guys go out, I can't stop myself.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15- Oh, my God, Owen!- What are you going to do instead, then?- I've got it all planned out. I've Sky-plussed some
0:08:15 > 0:08:17documentaries I want to get through...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Don't Tell The Bride is not a documentary!- I'm not going to waste my day watching
0:08:20 > 0:08:24- Don't Tell The Bride. - She'll be re-watching Ratatouille! - Re-re-re-watching Ratatouille.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- Re-re-re-watching. - Re-re-re-re-watching.- I'm a little bit more highbrow, actually!
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Oh, are you?- I'm going to start working my way through the classics. The Great Gatsby
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- has whet my appetite.- Oh, got any further with The Great Gatsby?
0:08:35 > 0:08:40I always say, until you've finished a book, you may as well just be at the beginning.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- So, that's a no?- I've started it. - Oh right, right, right. Whatever.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- I am a reader.- Oh, yes. It's like when you said you'd read Pride and Prejudice.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Then you said your favourite character was Colin Firth!
0:08:49 > 0:08:53- Yeah. That's because that's exactly how I pictured him.- Oh, right. Yeah. - It's a coincidence.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- And may I say - excellent casting! - Well, we look forward to grilling you on Gatsby on our return,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- don't we, Owen?- Oh, yes. - Yeah. That's fine.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I'm having a high-culture day, guys. Once I finish The Great Gatsby,
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I may have a tinkle on the old ivories.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- You're going to piss on the piano? - Classic Jack Russell.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- JOSH LAUGHS - No, don't gang up on me just cos I'm comfortable in my own skin.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13The Andersons don't need company. We've got it all going on up here.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Oh, are the voices back?- No.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19The only company I need is a bottle of rose and Mr Gatsby.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Hang on. Are you actually reading the novel, or have you got a new fancy man coming round?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Oh, yes! Oh, what's his name? When does he get here?
0:09:25 > 0:09:30There's no fancy man, guys. Just a seminal novel and The Best of Morcheeba.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Oh, yeah. Cos it won't be 1998 for ever.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38- Right. So, the plan is, we get to the wedding and we get drinking - hard.- Agreed.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- Oh, how about some drinking games? Have you played fisherman's friend? - No.- Oh, it's amazing.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- You just drink every time you smell mint.- How is that a game? That's not going to get us drunk!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Er, yes, it is! I played it at the Eden Project once.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I got so hammered, I threw up onto a Venus Flytrap.
0:09:51 > 0:09:56- Poor thing didn't know what to do. - Here's the plan - we drink, we get drunk, we go to the darts. That's it.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Suit yourself.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Do you know my great-great-granddad was banned from playing darts,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03cos he had such long arms he could reach the board from the oche?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Bullshit.- Er, no. He had a growth abnormality.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Only five foot tall, but he could screw in a light bulb without a stepladder.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- I knew you were related to baboons! - Yeah? Well, I look like a baboon and you look like a pub dog.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I do not look like a pub dog.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18You look like a pub dog that drinks beer out of an ashtray.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- I don't...they don't even have ashtrays anymore! - They have them for pub dogs!
0:10:24 > 0:10:30God, I love a wedding. Oh, did I tell you about the time I went to a wedding as the date of Macy Gray?
0:10:30 > 0:10:31How do you know Macy Gray?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I was working in Clarks. She came in, she needed heels for a wedding.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39I gave her the wrong size. She tried to walk away, but she stumbled. I pointed that out,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- we had a bit of a laugh about it and she gave me her plus-one. - That didn't happen.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Mate, she sung I Try at the reception. She was absolutely hammered.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48No-one asked her to. Ruined the speeches.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Oh, my God.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55You might have actually brought us to a good party!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- We are definitely going to pull. - Do you reckon?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I am definitely going to pull.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Please, don't pull if I don't, mate. You're the only person I know here.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Oh, you know me, my motto...
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"Darts before dick".
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Since when is that your motto?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Look at the girl's flowery black dress. She's absolutely beautiful.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Haven't seen a fur coat like that since The House Of Eliot.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20God, I hope we're not related.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I would love to marry the hell out of her.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Stop looking in such an obvious way, you weirdo!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30That is a lot worse!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Look at the ratio of women to men. I absolutely love it here.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36It's like a women's prison.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I'd hate to see your search history.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Ladies and gentlemen, the service is about to begin.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Will the friends and family of Gibbs and Watson please head to the door on my left?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Here we go, let's try and sit with the fur coat.- No, no, that's not us. - What?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Where are they all going?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- Owen!- Phil!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- Ha-ha-ha! Congratulations!- Again!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Ah! Good to see you.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Who's this? Didn't tell me you were bringing a date!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- I'm Owen's flatmate - Josh. - Bit smart, aren't you?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14What are you doing, off to meet the Queen?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- This is what you wear to a wedding. - Not one of mine, mate.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Not the usual stuffy affairs. Owen bloody knows that. How many have you been to now?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22- All four.- I should start doing loyalty cards!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24OWEN LAUGHS
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Come on. Let's get this hound hitched.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36TINNY POP MUSIC PLAYS
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- It can't be just us, can it? - I think it is, mate.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44Still, better turnout than last time. Eh? Thanks to you.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- It was just you?!- Yes.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yeah - my family refuse to come every time.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I don't know what their problem is with the guy.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Do you reckon it's the dancing?
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Say "Cheese", guys.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Sausages!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- There we go.- Oh, that's a keeper.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Oh, I like it. Do you want to go halves on a mouse mat?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- So, who you with? - Er, we're with the groom.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I think you're sitting on the wrong side.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Do you think it matters?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Owen, we've got to go. This is the worst decision I've ever made.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18What about when you tried to bring back boot-cut jeans?
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Listen, we can't go now, can we? Phil will definitely notice.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27Do you reckon? No, I can't do this. I prefer to go to the darts sober.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- What? - Just tell Phil I've got dysentery.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
0:13:41 > 0:13:46MUSIC: The Sea by Morcheeba
0:14:14 > 0:14:20- Wow!- Oh, my God! - He knows you far too well!
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Loving this, fantastic! Lovely!
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I can't believe they asked me to be a witness.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Under "Relationship to couple" I had to write "Not applicable".
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Right, now can we have a photo of just the boys?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Oi, oi! The old gang back together!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Make sure you get my best side!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38THEY LAUGH
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Right. Big smiles.- Shame you boys couldn't join me on the stag!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- There was a stag?- Well, there would have been if I'd known you two were available.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48- I just went paintballing on my own, joined an office day out. - Oh, quality.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Shot a woman from HR in the tit.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Oh, that's kind of inevitable. - Sounds great(!)
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Anyway, it's been a pleasure meeting both of you but, umm, we don't want to outstay our welcome,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- so we're going to head off, aren't we?- Yeah.- You going?- We're going to shoot, yeah.- Yeah.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- Oh, you really can't stay? - Unfortunately not, no. We, we can't.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07It's just that days this special deserve to be shared and engraved on all our hearts
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- and it would mean the world to us if you could help share our special day.- Yeah.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14As she was saying, come to the reception, or it'll be shit.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16We'd love to, but we've left a Jack Russell in the house.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- There's plenty of food?- Yeah, we're scared it's going to do a slash on the piano, so...
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Say you'll stay, Owen. I haven't had a chance to get to know you.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30- We can stay for a minute, can't we? - What? Owen? No! Oh...- Oh, great, that is brilliant.- Thank you so much!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Just to check, though, is it a free bar?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32HE LAUGHS
0:15:32 > 0:15:34No, no, but is it?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- 'The heart of Steve's romantic plan is...'- No, don't!- '..to marry Kate on the very rollercoaster...'
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- Don't arrange your wedding at Thorpe Park, you idiot! - 'Or, maybe it's...'
0:15:45 > 0:15:48What? No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
0:15:50 > 0:15:52- SHE CLICKS SWITCH REPEATEDLY - Oh, no!
0:15:53 > 0:15:57MUSIC: Celebration By Kool & The Gang
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- You all right, mate?- Oh, yeah. So, how did you two meet?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- We're related.- What?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12HE LAUGHS
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Of course not, mate. I'm not making that mistake - again!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Not another one. God.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- Saw this programme the other night about this bloke who married a goat. - Wait, there. I've actually got to
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- speak to Owen about something. Owen. Mate?- It'd probably be
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- skinny dipping, I think. - Really?- Yeah, yeah.- Owen!
0:16:26 > 0:16:31Yeah, I've actually got, umm, a scar on my chest from where I'd grazed it on some coral.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Very brave. I mean, that's quite dangerous.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- Anyone try and suck out the venom? - Not yet.- Owen! Owen!
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- What?!- Can you just talk to me? What happened to "Darts before dick"?
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- Sorry, my bad, my bad.- Remember why we're here.- Yeah, yeah. What do you want to talk about?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- Just - I don't want to be stuck talking to this weird guy about his goat show.- Yeah. Yeah.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- I mean, it's not what I came here for.- Why don't you have a drink? Cos that's what we're here for.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- The last time I went skinny dipping, when I got back to shore someone had stolen my clothes.- Owen?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Oh, no way! Did I tell you I'd been to Australia?- Owen!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00THEY CHUCKLE
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- We're not really cousins, mate. - Oh, that's a relief. That's good.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- I'd never marry my own cousin. - That's good.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Unless she had massive knockers!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10THEY LAUGH
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- But seriously, we really are very much in love.- Ah, that's lovely!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15He's earning his money today, isn't he?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17(I'm not paying him...)
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I've just been sick in my mouth.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Swallowed it again.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Because I love her.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27You're a gentleman. I'm just going to speak to Owen. Owen?
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- Look how sun kissed you are. It's amazing. Is it the same all over?- What do you think?
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- You see, if I was your suntan, I'd be all over you!- Oh, come on!
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- Sorry. What about you, Josh? Are you a closet skinny dipper? - Well, actually...- What, this guy?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- He's so body shy he wears a onesie in the bath.- More Lambrini?
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Have you got anything else?
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I think I've got something in here. Not sure what it is, though.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- Probably just backwash. - I'll take the Lambrini.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54The power's gone off and now nothing works. Geoff, you're the landlord,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57it's your responsibility to sort these things out.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Why? Where are you?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02What is it with you and storage auctions?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05No, I don't want a tuxedo.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08And I want a history of storage auctions even less.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Look, I'm stuck in the house waiting for my phone to be delivered.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12What am I supposed to do?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Yeah. Yes, I'll wait.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Yeah, of course I can entertain myself, that's not a problem!
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Champagne is overrated, mate, that's why people spray it everywhere.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32You don't see Formula 1 drivers wasting Carling, because it's bloody lovely.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Tell you what else bothers me. What is this obsession with hot food?
0:18:35 > 0:18:40- All comes out at the same temperature!- Hey, Joshy - umm, do you smoke?- No, no, I don't.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- So, you don't want a cigarette? - What is this, Grange Hill? - Absolutely certain of that?
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- I'm not just going to come out and watch you two talk about your piercings, am I?- OK, suit yourself.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51So, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Poos!
0:18:51 > 0:18:52HE LAUGHS
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Sorry, my mates are sat there. - Haven't they left?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- They've just gone for a smoke.- When?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- About half an hour ago. - What do they smoke? Shisha?
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Oh, God! Oh, they've gone, haven't they?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Oh, I've... I've just got to make a phone call.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Where the hell are you?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25I tried to get you to come. You are aware that "Do you want a cigarette?" was a code?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Going for a cigarette never has been and never will be code.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Yes, it is! It's a code like in a war it's a code.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34We're at a wedding, not Bletchley Park.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Look, we've been using the same code since we were 14.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40We met at uni.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Yes. Sorry, I forgot that.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47You are a massive bellend. And that is not a code.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Well, I presumed you were enjoying it and that you warmed into it.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Warmed into it? I don't know the bride and groom. I feel like a voyeur.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00'100...'
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- What was that, where are you? - Nowhere.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- Nowhere? Are you at the darts? - Well, of course not. Without you?
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- I can't believe you've gone to the darts on your own! - No. No, me neither.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Yeah, there he is.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Is that the bridesmaid? Oh, I am done with this sham.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I am going now. Phil, Briony, I'm afraid I'm...
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Right, time for the speeches.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Briony...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28top bird! Dealt with.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- That's me done! Josh, seeing as you're on your feet... - That's good, cos I need to go.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- ..maybe you want to say a few words?- What?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Please, for me?- You're not serious? - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39- No, no. I-I can't.- Go on, do it properly.- No, I can't.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Come on, Joshy!- Go on!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49What is there to say...
0:20:51 > 0:20:55..about Phil and Briony?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57(Owen says he's a comedian, this should be a corker!)
0:21:09 > 0:21:11No.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15No, no, no, no, no, no, no. N-o-o-o-o!
0:21:15 > 0:21:18# A dream of you and me together
0:21:18 > 0:21:24# Say you believe it Say you believe it
0:21:24 > 0:21:31# Free your mind of doubt and danger Be for real, don't be a stranger
0:21:31 > 0:21:39# We can achieve it We can achieve it... #
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- Mate!- Josh!- No, no, I'm not really...- Come on!
0:21:42 > 0:21:43- Come on, Josh.- I've got to head off.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Come on, it's a wedding. Come on, Joshy. Come and dance!- Come on, Joshy. Come and dance!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Come on, Joshy! Come on.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55# I need some love like I never needed love before
0:21:55 > 0:21:58# Wanna make love to ya, baby
0:21:58 > 0:22:02# I had a little love now I'm back for more
0:22:02 > 0:22:05# I wanna make love to ya, baby
0:22:05 > 0:22:10# Set your spirit free It's the only way to be... #
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- CHILDLIKE PIANO PLAYING - # Jelly on a plate... #
0:22:13 > 0:22:14No.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17# Jelly on a plate... #
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- SHE TUTS - # Jel-ly on a plate... #
0:22:20 > 0:22:22DISCORDANT NOTES
0:22:22 > 0:22:24DOORBELL RINGS
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Coming! I'm coming! Coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming...
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- So! Here we are. Can see... - Ah! Company! At last!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Good to see you too, Kate. What an auction that was!
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- This could have been yours! All this.- Wow.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40So, are you going to sort the electric?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Well, presumably you have tried our friend the trip switch?
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- Nope.- Classic schoolgirl error. Allow me to educate you.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50One cupboard - we open the cupboard. One torch, turn the torch on.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53This is a fuse box, we open that. There's the switch and...
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Right. Well, I'm out of ideas. - You're out of ideas?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Yeah. Absolutely nothing.- What?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09- I'll send someone round tomorrow. All right? I'll leave you in peace for now.- No, no! No, no, no! No!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- No, no, no! Stay for a drink! - I've got to go, actually.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14It's the weekend. Stay for a drink with me.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- We haven't had a catch up in ages!- I suppose not. I need to, er, just...
0:23:17 > 0:23:22- OK. Look, wait here, wait here! - It's just that I promised my friend, my neighbour Malcolm...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Oh-oh! Look. Oh-oh, I've opened that, now! Hmm!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27No, I wouldn't do that.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- Can't drink that all by myself. It would be irresponsible for you to leave.- I've really got to go, Kate.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Oh, you never did tell me about the history of storage auctions, did you?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Well, it's-it's funny you should say that, cos we always say that the
0:23:37 > 0:23:42original storage auction was the, er, raid on Tutankhamun's tomb.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Wow! Yeah...
0:23:44 > 0:23:47MUSIC: Feel So Close by Calvin Harris
0:23:53 > 0:23:55It's been a pleasure to get to know you today.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56That is a lovely thing to say.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58No, what I mean is, I've got to go.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Do you know, I feel like I've known you for bloody ages?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Do you know what I see in your eyes?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06I see Tiger Tiger! Did someone say after party?
0:24:06 > 0:24:07MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- It's time for the bouquet! - No, I've got to go!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13No, no, no, no. Just stand right there. Stand right there.
0:24:13 > 0:24:19And so we hope that by passing on this floral baton,
0:24:19 > 0:24:21you will be blessed as we have been.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Because life is a precious thing...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Just lob it!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37LET'S PLAY DARTS!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41You're nicked.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Well, at that time, I was playing the old Joanna in all the wine bars round Southend.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Until one night, in the Chateau de la Grape,
0:24:47 > 0:24:51I stretched for an octave and dislocated my thumb.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I haven't played publically since.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56They say my screams shattered a jeroboam.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Oh, listen to me. I'm getting all...all maudlin.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I should, er, leave you in peace. Thank you for the wine.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06No, no, no! Don't go, don't go. It's Saturday night!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- Live a little!- No, really, I've had three glasses.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12I think this old hound is getting a bit tiddled.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- I should toddle off. - Please. Please, don't go, Geoff.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Look, I've been in on my own all day and I can't leave until my bloody phone gets here.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- It's driving me insane.- Well, a day isn't that long on your own.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Yes, it is! It's an eternity. Look, I don't deserve this.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- I didn't shank a guard.- I seem to remember a certain person telling me
0:25:28 > 0:25:30they found it easy to entertain themselves.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32No-one can entertain themselves. It's impossible.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- It's like tickling yourself. - Oh, I can tickle myself.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Yeah, but it's not working, is it, Geoff?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Yeah, that's cos I'm not ticklish, Kate. I always react like that.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Look, just-just have one more glass. Just one more.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46No, really, umm, I'm edging towards sozzled.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Well, OK. You need some food to soak it up!
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Let's order a takeaway!
0:25:50 > 0:25:54- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Thank you, Lord.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Oh, my God. This is amazing. You don't understand how amazing this is.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I could... I could kiss you. I'm not going to kiss you.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05There you go. OK. Thank you! Thanks, bye!
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Oh, my God. Thank you. Please be a phone, please be phone, please be a phone, please be a phone.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Oh, my God. Yes.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13SHE SIGHS
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Geoff? I think I'm going to head out now. So, if you want to go, that's absolutely...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Yeah, and don't forget the free prawn crackers, yeah?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Right, see you in 50 minutes. Excellent!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24All done. £40 worth of Chinese food on its way.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29I think I am going to have that extra glass of wine. Come on, join me.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30HE CHUCKLES
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- I cannot believe you took me to a sham wedding.- That must be the issue my mum had with him.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- The whole marriage for passports thing.- I can see how that would trouble her, yeah.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- She'll not be very pleased when she finds out you were in on it. - I wasn't in on it.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46Well, you signed the witness thing. The photographer cop bloke heard you call it a sham,
0:26:46 > 0:26:51then you were found running from the scene. You seem pretty guilty to me. It's lucky you weren't tasered
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- up the a-hole.- What?- Oh, my God! You were tasered up the a-hole?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Stop saying "Tasered up the a-hole".
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Oh, that passport thing is probably why the bridesmaid was so into me.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I mean, I thought she seemed pretty keen. She asked me to marry her.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04We only had sex twice.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Well, three times, actually.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- Is this why you took two hours to come and get me?!- No! Of course not!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Adrian "Jackpot" Lewis was struggling to close out a five setter.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16I mean, you should be annoyed at him. How hard can it be to hit double 16?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- State of modern life, living in a city.- They didn't taser me.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23And if they had, why would they have aimed for there?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Well, because it's where they're trained to aim for.
0:27:25 > 0:27:30- You know, no matter how ruthless a criminal you are...- That's not true!- ..if you're incapacitated
0:27:30 > 0:27:32in the a-hole then there's nothing...
0:27:32 > 0:27:33GEOFF PLAYS ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I knew she had a fancy man!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40- Hello, boys!- Oh, my God!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42No. No, it's not what it looks like.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44We'll leave you two to it.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51MUSIC: I Try by Macy Gray
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Here we go.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- Milk, sir?- Oh, just a dash.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57This proves nothing.