0:00:02 > 0:00:04OK, for two points. Sigourney Weaver's uncle was a 1930s radio DJ.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- But WHAT was his name? - Buzz! Doodles Weaver!
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- Oh, my God! You, my friend, are through to the gold run!- Yes!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12- PHONE RINGS - Oh, phone a friend!
0:00:14 > 0:00:15Where did you find him?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18The most annoying set of twins since the girls off Fun House.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20We're not twins! We don't even look alike. Ow!
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- Do you reckon Mike felt that?- No!
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Do you think when you have sex, Mike feels it as well?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- I guess we'll never know. - Oh...
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Wikipedia personal life, Gillian Anderson is divorced!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Sorry I doubted you, you're well in. Is her phone number on Wikipedia?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47You can just give her a ring now, ring Gillian Anderson.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50No, no, I'm biding my time. Slowly, slowly, catchy Scully.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- And the condiments are balanced, he's done it!- Oh, very good, very good.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Martha! Hello, my sweetheart.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I'll go and get us a couple of sparkling waters.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04- Martha.- Josh.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11You're drinking two pints?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I couldn't decide which I preferred, so I went for both.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29So, still at the homeless charity?
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Yes, of COURSE! People need help, Josh.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Do you know how hard it is to sleep rough?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I once had a futon.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Sorry, you think homelessness is a laughing matter?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41No, I realise it must be a very tough job, I do.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Well, I guess it depends if you think helping people is tough.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I tend to think it's pretty rewarding.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Seems like you've earned yourself a proper drink.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Today I worked with a 35-year-old man,
0:01:52 > 0:01:57whose problems with drink got so bad, he lost his foot to gout.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Just an orange juice?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Never drink fruit juice from concentrate.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08As always, Martha completely ruined the evening.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12She refused to get me a vodka because of what the Russians did to Alexander Litvinenko.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, you can drink what you want this weekend, mate.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Teabag's on his way. The party's about to start.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Last time he was here he got so drunk, he pissed in a Dyson Airblade.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I know, my hands were in the Airblade. That's why I went home early.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- He once drank so much Strongbow, he stole a horse.- A horse?
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- I mean, that is why I won't be coming out with you!- Anyway, got to go!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Oh-oh! Shandy Andy alert! I'm exactly like you, Josh. I'm a lightweight.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35I genuinely think it's time pubs started selling quarter pints.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Yeah, we're like peas in a pod, you and me.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39We're not like peas in a pod, Geoff.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Peas in a pub, more like! Till about half past nine.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I don't want to ruin the next day.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Geoff, are you done with the boiler? I need to talk to you about my room.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Yes! One pilot light ignited. Geoff, one, hypothermia, nil.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Oh. One-all.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Geoff? Geoff, please?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00OK, OK. Oh, bloody hell, her indoors, eh?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Geoff, we're not married.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Oh, is that what that means?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I always thought it was because you were inside and quite annoying.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Seriously, Geoff, you need to redecorate my room.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Well, what's the problem with it? - Um...
0:03:12 > 0:03:15THAT brick wallpaper thing.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19It's been like this since you moved in. Why do you care all of a sudden?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Because I'm bringing someone special back.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Yeah, but you bring loads of blokes back!- Yes, I know, but...
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Er, I do not bring loads...
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Anyway, this one's an interior designer, so...
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Well, I'm not paying for an interior designer.- No, I'm seeing one.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Oh, fantastic. He can paint it for you after you... you're done, you know...
0:03:35 > 0:03:38It would be like that was my fee!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Oh, well, at least £300 worth of work is a compliment
0:03:40 > 0:03:41if anything, Kate.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Can we please not discuss my rate as a prostitute?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Well, you could redecorate it. Let your imagination run wild.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50I can always cover it up afterwards, it's what I did for the last tenant, yeah? Express yourself!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I am. By not lending a hand.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Oh, all right, trouble and strife.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I'm not your wife.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Is that what that means? - Yes!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05God, I'm so excited about tonight.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07At the shops today, all I could think about today was Teabag.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Do you think you're in love?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11No, no, no, no. This is far more intense.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13My boss's son brought his guitar into work today,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16he bashed out a note-perfect rendition of This Charming Man.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- He's only six.- Wow!- Yeah.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Yeah, I found myself saying to him, I said, "Listen son,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"that's impressive, but it's not as impressive
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- "as the time my friend Teabag drove a Segway into a lake."- What?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Yeah! Yeah, Tomorrow's World made the mistake of filming in Carmarthen.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30We were only 12.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32To be fair to Teabag though, he was absolutely hammered.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Oh, it's important to be fair. - Oh, that reminds me.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Teabag likes me to be up and running by the time he arrives.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Apparently, if I'm sober, I'm overly concerned about being arrested.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Well...
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Teabag always says, if you spend your life worrying
0:04:46 > 0:04:49about the law, you're never going to get your knob out in Lidl.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- That's the gravestone sorted.- Yeah, well, it was kind of exhilarating. - Oh, you didn't?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Oh, God!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- A little tip...- Yeah, I've heard!
0:04:58 > 0:04:59No, little tip for you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Lidl's CCTV only focuses on the more expensive items.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06As long as you steer clear of the Lambrini, you can do what you want in there.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10- Teabag went down on a cheap ham hock for over five minutes, it was amazing.- Oh, dear God.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13To be fair to him though, he was absolutely hammered.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Oh, and Teabag counts cider as one of his five a day.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22He says courgettes are fine, but they'll never get him hammered. God, I can't wait...
0:05:22 > 0:05:23- DOORBELL GOES - Oh, it's Teabag!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- If I hear hooves, I am leaving. - Yeah, just be grateful we don't have a hand-dryer.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Hey!- Welcome to the pleasure dome! - Ah, come here. Where are they?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Hello, London! Teabag is here!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Oi-oi! This is Teabag. You remember Josh, and this is Kate.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39M'lady. M'lady. Ha-ha!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Beautiful woman and with a lager on the go, you're already on my legends list.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- I've got a lager as well.- Yeah. Drinking it pretty slowly, yeah?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Hoping it'll evaporate, are you, eh?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Only joking!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Right, enough talk, Owen, get 'em out the fridge!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Er, one, two, three, four lagers.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59And what does everyone else want to drink, eh?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03- I'm joking, I'm joking, yeah? But seriously, I'll have two cans, yeah?- No problem!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06So, er, "Teabag". That's an interesting name. Where does that come from?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Fall asleep near me and you'll find out.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12No overnight bag?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Overnight bag? I'm not an air stewardess!
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I've got all I need in my pockets, boy. A toothbrush and eight condoms.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22I've got to pay for my board somehow, haven't I, eh?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25So, did anyone see Virgins Say No last night?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Yeah, I did.- Yeah.- No?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Ah-ha-ha! Virgin!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I can see his hymen!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Oh, this is fun, isn't it?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- Yeah, you gonna join us tonight then, are you, Virgin? - Oh, maybe next time.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Oh, good boy, good boy. I'll hold you to that.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41- Yeah.- Now you're only about 50% virgin.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- How is that even possible? - Fingering?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47TEXT ALERT
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Oh, my God, amazing news! Mike and Martha have split up!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Oh, that's a shame. - No, it's not. You hate her.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Remember when you gave her 20 quid to get a round in?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- She got tap water and gave the money to a soup kitchen.- Oh, yeah.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01There much fanny at this soup kitchen?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Er...fanny?
0:07:04 > 0:07:09My second favourite part of the female body, after the brain.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Only joking. I absolutely love fannies, I do.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I'm gonna go and meet Mike for a drink.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- Oh, my God, it's gonna be amazing! We've got so much to talk about! - No, wait, wait!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Just, just let him do the talking, yeah?
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Remember when you and Natasha split up and I told her that it was weird that she was with you anyway
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- because she was so much taller than you in heels? And then you got back together?- Yes!
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Well, that was awkward for everyone, wasn't it?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Yeah, it was. Also, it wasn't that weird. I just bought her flats.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34She was still taller than you.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36You should have just bought yourself some heels.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Oh, yeah, THAT would have solved the weirdness, wouldn't it?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Either way, just keep your mouth shut.- Yes, OK, OK.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- See you later, Virgin! - I'm not a virgin!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Once a virgin, always a virgin. - What does that even mean?!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- God, I loved her. - We all did, mate. We all did.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Gotta be honest though, she could be a bit...difficult at times.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00I really hadn't noticed.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04But you never know, maybe you'll get back together.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07No. She deleted my number. And recycled all our photographs.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12She could be a little bit... overbearing, don't you think?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Oh, it's not for me to say, mate.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- I wasn't going mad though, she could be, couldn't she?- No, I don't want to talk out of turn.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- You're my best mate. I value your opinion.- She could be a little on the militant side.- Yes!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24What about the time she made me sleep outside for a week,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- just so I'd know what it was like to be homeless!- Oh, God, yeah.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I had to survive on change she gave me on the way to work.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Didn't she get you moved on by the council?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34They confiscated my sleeping bag. She was so bloody worthy!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Oh, isn't she, God!?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Did I tell you about the time we passed Toby Anstis
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- taking a dump, mid fun run?- No...?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- She wouldn't let me take a photograph.- What?- Cos he was doing it for charity.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- What, the dump?- What was I thinking?
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Oh, and what about her furry fingers?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50What about her furry fingers! Like holding hands with an ewok.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Oh, unbelievable!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Oh, it's so good to hear this!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Katie.- Joshua.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Oh, ha-ha-ha, here they bloody are, the boys. How was your night out?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Well, I'm down to four condoms and that toothbrush won't be able to look me in the eyes again.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Oh, it was legendary. I got my head stuck in the railings outside Oceana.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Absolutely quality! - I was fine though.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- I just drank through a straw until the firemen arrived.- Yeah, reluctantly!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I still did it though. How was your night out with Mike?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Oh, amazing! Should have heard the things he was saying.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27He hates her! She was controlling, she was jealous.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30She once slapped him because he thanked a female bus driver!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I once thanked a female bus driver, if you know what I mean!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35I said to her, "You're used to handling something big
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"and red, so wrap your hands around this!"
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- I was talking about my cock! - I know, I got it, yeah.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Oh, it's so good to have Mike back. We've booked a lads' weekend in Bruges.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Flying Virgin, are you?
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- Won't be a lads' weekend if it's you and Mike, it's just a weekend.- We can be laddy!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Last night we were discussing our problems between the sheets.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- What, about whether he should splash out on some Egyptian cotton? - I've splashed out on some!
0:09:57 > 0:09:58No, no, no, no, no! Josh!
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Rule one of the post-break-up chat, don't say what you actually think.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I mean, what did he say about her?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- Nothing.- Josh?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Just that she could be a little difficult.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- SHE SIGHS - What else?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Josh, what else?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I might have said that she had furry fingers.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- No!- Ha! Furry fingers!
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- Yeah, I said it must have been like holding hands with a mitten. - Ha! Legend!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26You are aware you're about to lose Mike?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Your only friend outside this flat?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I've got loads of friends outside this flat! See? Ha!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- PHONE RINGS - Who's that?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Well, it just happens that this time it's Mike. - What are the chances(?)
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Hello, mate.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Yep.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Yep.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44No, absolutely. I'll see you then.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Cheers, man, bye.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- They got back together. - They're engaged.- Yeah.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It was hard work, but I think you'll agree it was worth it.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Presenting to you, your new love nest!
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Ta-dah!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- What the hell is this? - It's your dream boudoir!
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Why have you done this to me?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Why on earth would you think this was the style I wanted to keep?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08You didn't want to lose your feature wall.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I think it's what gives the room urban edge.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Urban edge? I'm not Biggie Smalls.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Um, sorry, I don't know what that is.- He was a rapper.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Oh. What, like, like...like the Sugary Gang?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20It's the Sugar Hill Gang, Geoff. Look, why did you...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Who are the Sugary Gang, then?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I don't know! Baddies from a dental advert?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Look, can you just please sort this disaster?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30- I think it looks cool.- It looks like solitary confinement.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34What are you going to do, get rid of the bed and give me a ball to bounce against the wall?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36No ball games in the flat, you know that!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Look, Geoff, can you just get this wallpaper stripped off, please. It's not me.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41And for a designer, it's lights out.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44And not in a sexy, "Let's get down to it with an air of mystery" kind of way.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I want it off my wall by tomorrow.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I think I know what a designer would like and wouldn't.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- You're aware of my design background?- What design background?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- I studied art for seven years.- What? Where?- At St Luke's in Southend.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Although I dropped it when I moved up to secondary school.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00That's not design background, that's childhood.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I'm a dab hand at making writing paper look older than it actually is. You take some tea...
0:12:04 > 0:12:06That does not make you a designer, Geoff!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08OK. If you're not going to let it go, I'll tell you what.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10We'll get some spray cans, put some graffiti up.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12It'll look like you live in New York.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- What are you talking about? - My nephew Kevin,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17he's got a wall like this in his bedroom, right?
0:12:17 > 0:12:18I'm quite an artist with a spray can.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I did a massive great Lion Bar logo on his wall, it looked fantastic.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I don't want a Lion Bar logo on my wall, Geoff.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I can do Monster Munch, or Quorn, if you're on a health kick.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- No!- Well, how about "Geoff was here"?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31That would look like we spent the night together!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Sorry, Kate, I have a rule about not sleeping with tenants.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35I wasn't saying we were going...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Although if I did, this is exactly the kind of room I'd love to do it in.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Here's one for you. For two points,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47what did Topanga do for a living when she left Boy Meets World?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yeah, er, Josh, you're going to need to apologise to Martha
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- for what you said. - How does she know what I said?
0:12:51 > 0:12:52- I told her.- Why?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54You've got to be transparent in relationships.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57To be honest, we were both a little bit upset by your criticisms.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- You had the same issues! Yeah, but - I was on the back of a break-up,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I didn't know what I was saying. You don't have that excuse.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- Why are you being like this? - I'm not being like anything.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Look, we just feel like you can be a little bit of a bad influence.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12A bad influence? I'm not picking you up on a Harley Davidson.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Look, just meet up with her for a drink,
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- then you can apologise in person. - In person?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19This isn't Frost/Nixon. I mean, look, can't I just text her?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Is she on WhatsApp? - Look, just suck it up and be a mate.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23No, I have nothing to apologise for.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Look, if you don't apologise, Martha won't let us hang out.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Hang out?! We're not ten! I mean, what else is she going to do?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Limit our time on the N64?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32No, I'm sorry, she shouldn't be making you choose.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33- Come on, I'm your best friend.- No.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I'm not going to be forced into doing something I don't want to do.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I mean, if you can't respect that then, fine. I've got other friends.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Like Teabag.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Jesus wept, there's two of them. What is this?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Virgins Anonymous? - Haha! Good one!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Hey, can I hang in here?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Geoff is still decorating my room.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57He's been going through his top ten skirting boards.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00He sings the Top Of The Pops jingle in between each one.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Oh, I've had that conversation with him.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I seem to remember birch was a non-mover.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Yeah. So what are you doing?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Just choosing a shirt for going out tonight.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09What? You dress up to go to the pub with Mike?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Just to make sure you're doubly co-ordinated?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- I'm not going to the pub with Mike. - Oh, you're going on your own?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15No, I'm going with Owen and Teabag.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You're going to the pub with Teabag?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Er, should I notify your relatives now?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I think Mike is a bit more your pace.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Me and Mike aren't speaking any more.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Oh, bless.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Um, for two points, which virgin with no friends is going
0:14:27 > 0:14:30to get alcohol poisoning dressed as his grandmother's armchair?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Well, if you're so concerned about me,
0:14:32 > 0:14:33why don't you come and join us for a drink?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I can't. I'm seeing my interior designer tonight.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37I think I might really like him.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Oh, really? And how did you meet this one?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Er, I met him in the Tate Modern gift shop.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43And what were you doing in the Tate Modern?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Er, just taking in some art. - Oh, yeah, which exhibition?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47OK, I just went to use the toilet. but he doesn't know that.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I bought a book to impress him.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Which book did you buy?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Top 30 Art Postcards.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Oh, I bet he is going to be putty in your hands!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I bet you told him you like design as well, didn't you?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- Possibly.- Of course you did!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- What do you mean by that? - Well, it's like when you dated
0:15:00 > 0:15:01that surfer at uni for two months.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03All you did was wear No Fear clothing.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Er, not true! My beanie was from Fat Willy's.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09So if you like this interior designer so much, why haven't you brought him back?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Be honest - are you banging Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Why? Do you want to give him his shirt back?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15No, I'm not banging Bowen.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I'm going to bang an incredibly hot guy with incredible taste.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20You know my rules on sleeping with tenants, Kate.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Before I forget, you didn't hear what my number one was.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28HE HUMS PICK OF THE POPS THEME
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Dual purpose pine. Nice.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I mean I've been caught having sex on CCTV before
0:15:41 > 0:15:44but apparently a speed camera was unprecedented.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Right. I'm going to have a slash then let's get going, yeah?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Yes!
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I'll need both hands for this job!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Hello, toilet! Here's Daddy!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57He talks to toilets.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59LOUD URINATION
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Has he got his hands on another horse?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I've seen it. You're not far wrong!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I can feel it going through the pipes.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20URINATION STOPS
0:16:20 > 0:16:21I'm not sure if you should...
0:16:21 > 0:16:24URINATION RESUMES
0:16:26 > 0:16:27URINATION STOPS
0:16:27 > 0:16:28OK, I don't think...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30URINATION RESUMES
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I don't think you should go out with Teabag tonight, Josh.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40I need to make new friends. It's either that or apologise to Martha.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Don't listen to her. Teabag is the only friend you'll ever need.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Last night, he drank a Smirnoff Ice through his ear!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- That's not possible. - Er, tell that to TFL.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Ha! Look what I found! Anyone lost this orc?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Oh! There's a mate for you, Josh!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oh, good to finally meet your boyfriend, Kate.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Well done on pretty much repeating my joke.- Well done on being a secret Warhammer fan.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- I'm not a secret Warhammer fan! - Not any more.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Yeah, it must have been the previous owner. He had orcs everywhere.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08The humble forest orc, the noble mountain orc, the wily river orc.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Is this another top ten? Look, Geoff, shouldn't you be decorating my room?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14It's all in hand. Come and have a look.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15- TEABAG:- That was incredible.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18The colour of a Spacehopper and a similar consistency.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I haven't flushed if you want to go and have a look.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Oh, don't mind if I do.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I've been so busy, Kate, I can't remember a time
0:17:28 > 0:17:31when I wasn't stripping wallpaper. Et voila! I've got these two done.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- I'll have these done in a couple of hours' time.- Oh, brilliant, thanks.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I know you're meeting that bloke, so I'll make sure I let myself out
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- in time for you to... - Don't touch my bed again, Geoff.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40No, you're the boss.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Kate, please, just come for one or two and then after that...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Hurry up, Virgin! Those Strongbows won't strawpedo themselves!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Please! Just one or two?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Josh, you don't need to be doing this.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53You don't see me out strongpedoing Strawbows
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- and I've still got loads of mates. - Really? Who?
0:17:55 > 0:18:00Well, there's you guys, my brother, Mr Wong...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Who's Mr Wong? - He's a mate.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04What do you talk to Mr Wong about?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07You know, my takeaway order, how it differs from the last one...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Come on, Teabag, let's do this!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Relax. Never rush your first pint. Enjoy it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- Oh, thank you, Teabag. - Oh, pleasure.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23This is actually very pleasant. It's nice to make new friends.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Here's to a laid back evening of conversation.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Three pints of snakebite.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30You'd better not be flagging, boy. Let's get them in us.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Drink it! Come on! Drink it! God, you're drunk!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Special drink, there you are, Virgin.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37What the hell was that?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Drink it, drink it, drink it! Yes! Quicker!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- How is this place still open? - It's eight o'clock.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Oh, my God, you've been sick everywhere!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47That's my shoes. My mother bought me those, they were expensive!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50I think my favourite module was feng shui. Hmm.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52How did they set the desks out?
0:18:52 > 0:18:53There were no desks.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Of course!
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- So this is me. - Hmm. Nice.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Thanks. - I love your coat, by the way.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Have you always had such a great sense of style?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Oh, er, oh, yeah. You know that trend at school,
0:19:04 > 0:19:06- people used to knot their ties really short?- Yeah.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08That was me, I invented that.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Wow, wait, what? The stubby?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Yeah! I know. Still technically a tie. Teachers couldn't touch me.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- Ah, the perfect crime. - Yeah.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19So um, do you want to come in for a...
0:19:19 > 0:19:20coffee?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I don't think you're supposed to do the quotation marks, but, yes.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25OK, cool. Come on.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Oh! Sorry!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Who do you live with? Stomp?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Oh, God.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Oh, no.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Have you got any paracetamol?
0:20:04 > 0:20:06No. Oh, God, are you OK?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08I think I might be hallucinating.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Yeah, the previous tenant painted it.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Geoff stripped the wallpaper but didn't think that would be an issue.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Oh, my God, please tell me you brought Steve back?- Yep.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19It was terrible. He couldn't muster himself.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Felt like the orc was judging him.- So when did he leave?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Right after he decided to run with it and asked me if I'd role play as a centaur.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I do have some dignity so I just put my clothes back on
0:20:28 > 0:20:30and we called it quits. How was your evening?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Oh, worse. I've never seen people drink like that.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- Teabag considers wine to be a mixer! - What did I tell you?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- They gave me a nickname, Kate. - Inevitably.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40They called me Princess Malibu
0:20:40 > 0:20:42because I spewed up Malibu in the first hour.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- Why were they drinking Malibu? - They weren't, I was.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48It was a drinking fine cos I'd failed to cock one leg when I drank.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Well, why did you have to cock one leg?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52They had all these rules like pints with your right hand,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55shots with your left. Owen's to be called The Golden Trumpet.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57He's always been Owen to me.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I was hammered by the second round which incurred a fine,
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I then threw up the fine and got fined again!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- It's an unworkable model, Kate! - Ah, mate.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- Morning, Princess Malibu. - Morning, Owen.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Well, strictly speaking it should be The Golden Trumpet.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14But I let you off because Teabag stayed at that girl's house.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15The one from the hen do?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Yeah. I don't know where those bridesmaids stayed though.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Oh, um, by the way,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25he's now 100% convinced that you're a massive virgin.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Owen, this virgin thing's getting really wearing.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Oh, I know, but you'll find someone eventually.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32No, Owen, please tell him to stop.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Last night he challenged me to describe a vagina.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35It's harder than you think.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Mate, it's as embarrassing for me as it is for you.- How?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Because I'm hanging out with a virgin.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42PHONE BUZZES
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Oh, it's Teabag. He's coming over.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49He's ready to go on the piss again!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Oh, no...
0:22:01 > 0:22:05I can't take it. It's like I'm coming back from Vietnam.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Oh, my God, he's cracked.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09I thought he was the only friend anyone ever needed?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Oh, God, it's like he's punishing us!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14You know I've been friends with him for years.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16In school, his mum was friends with my mum, but you know what?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I think he might be the devil, Kate.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Like, I've never seen him sleep, I've never seen him eat,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23and he's been here for two days and now that's on the wall.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Oh, it's all right, mate.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27And you know what?
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Some of the things he says are bordering on the misogynistic.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Impressed you managed two nights, mate. I feel for you.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36You feel for me? He's your friend now too.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Look at that. He's coming for both of us.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Do you know what?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Once you've sold your soul to the devil, you can't just buy it back.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- No, I don't want any part of this. - Well, he's your friend now.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48And what other option do you have?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53You wanted to say something to me?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Hmm. It's about time. Well, I appreciate that, Josh.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01- I'm glad we got that sorted then so maybe...- Sorry, is that it?
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- What?- You're not going to tell me what you're sorry for?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Just generally sorry. - Generally sorry?
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Whatever it is you're worried about, consider that apologised for.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Do you know, if you were actually sorry, you would tell me
0:23:12 > 0:23:13what you were sorry for.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16You know, this is the problem with alpha males like you.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18You see backing down as a weakness.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I'm not an alpha male, I'm barely even beta.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24I'm a much lower Greek letter, I'm... I'm zeta.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I mean, is there a zeta? That's not the point.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29The point is I've said some things I regret, but you make Mike happy.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32And I love that and I celebrate that.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Thank you, Josh.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40I'm not the person you think I am. I just want to put this behind us.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- OK. Do you know, it's really nice of you...- Just hold that thought,
0:23:44 > 0:23:45I'll be back in a second.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Teabag, this is not the time.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Oi-oi! Virgin alert! Don't lock up your daughters!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Sh! Sh! Sh! What are you doing here?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Owen was sick in the sink after one single Budweiser. It was shameful.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Anyway, he told me my newest drinking buddy was down the pub
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- getting on it so here I am!- I'm not getting on, I'm not getting on it.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02You're in the pub at 3pm, mate,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05you either work here or you're getting on it. Hang on a sec.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08You having a drink with Kevin Keegan or is that what I think it is?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- No, no. she's just a friend, she's just a friend.- Are you on a date?
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- No, no!- Is she going to be the one to deflower you?- No, she's not!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Is she refusing to leave second base, is she? I see.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- You want the Teabag to put in a good word for you?- No, no, no.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I'd love to get on it with you but I just need to talk to her.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22I'll see you next time you're down.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26All right, say no more. I'll leave you to work your magic.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32You know, making love is nature's greatest gift. Welcome to the team.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Thank you.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Look, I'm sorry about that. I couldn't just...
0:24:41 > 0:24:43No, it's really nice to clear the air.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- Hello, my name is Christopher. - No, Teabag, what are you doing?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- But you can call me Teabag. - Why are you called Teabag?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Fall asleep near me and you'll find out.- He likes tea!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52What are you doing here, Teabag?
0:24:52 > 0:24:55I just had to come over and tell her how amazing you are as a man.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Why would you do that?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59As a thank you for him letting me stay this weekend.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- I'd have been on the street otherwise.- You did that?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- Yeah.- I didn't know you were helping with our work?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Yeah, yeah, no, I am. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07He has real respect for people, especially women.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I happen to know, for a fact, that he'll never sleep with a woman
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- unless he'll spend the rest of his life with her.- Really?
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- Teabag, Teabag.- He's saving himself for the right woman.- Is that true?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Yeah, I just feel that true love waits.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- I knew it! - It's actually quite sweet.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Sweet doesn't cover it. His mate broke up with his girl this week
0:25:23 > 0:25:25- and that's all he's worried about. - Oh, Josh!
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Yeah, no, I really have, yeah.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Well, it wasn't a great loss though, was it?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- Oh, really?- I mean, what did you call her again?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32No, Martha doesn't need to hear this, Teabag!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- No, Martha does need to hear this. - No, she really doesn't need to hear about this.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38Come on, Josh! It was funny. His mate was seeing this girl,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41and...what was it you called her? She was worthy, she was stuck-up.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42What else did you say she had?
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Oh, that was right! She had furry fingers!
0:25:44 > 0:25:45TEABAG LAUGHS
0:25:51 > 0:25:52Oh.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Well, that'll cut the heating bills in the winter, won't it?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Unlucky, mate.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07And the worst thing is, you made me waste water!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Well, as I said, once a virgin, always a virgin!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Only one thing for it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Barman! Pint of Stella and a Malibu for the lady!
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Right, we're staying here till closing time.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26And then we're finding a stables!
0:26:26 > 0:26:30MUSIC: This Charming Man by The Smiths
0:26:30 > 0:26:32You're drinking with your right hand! Forfeit!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35You've still got your watch on, you can tell the time in Bogota!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Forfeit! You looked at the bar snacks! Forfeit!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- God, you're bad at this! - I'm sorry!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Apologising! Forfeit! - Oh!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- God! Are you drunk?- Yes!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- Double forfeit!- Oh!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50# Will nature make a man of me yet?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56# When in this charming car
0:26:56 > 0:27:00# This charming man
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# Why pamper life's complexity
0:27:05 > 0:27:10# When the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat?
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# I would go out tonight... #