0:00:04 > 0:00:05Right.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08Well, they really didn't go for you, did they?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11- Don't dwell on it, Geoff. - And the heckling, ouch!
0:00:11 > 0:00:12That was you!
0:00:12 > 0:00:14I thought it would help! Give you something to work with.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Little bit of feedback. Right, you're too downbeat.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21Rule one of comedy, Josh - there's nothing funny about a grumpy man.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24I don't want your advice, Geoff! You're my landlord, not my agent.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Well, thank heavens, with performances like that.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Note two - your hair.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Two-for-one makes no sense. How are you supposed to eat two pizzas?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I think the offer's designed for couples.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I'll be honest with you, Kate. Eating two pizzas on your own
0:00:51 > 0:00:53is only going to make it harder for you to meet someone.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Right, that's all working now. Warm at the bottom, cold at the top.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59So...two pizzas a bit much for you, eh?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Not up to the task? - No, I meant for the average person.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03I can totally eat two pizzas.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I once ate four kebabs in an afternoon.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Why don't I take some of those calories off you, eh?- No!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Well, you know what they say - a moment on the lips, lifetime on the thighs.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- Geoff, why exactly are you here? - Yeah. Is it just to insult me?
0:01:14 > 0:01:18No. I've also come round to present you with an exciting proposal.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22As you may know, tomorrow is the start of London Fashion Week
0:01:22 > 0:01:24and I have been approached by two Dutch models
0:01:24 > 0:01:28who need somewhere to stay and someone to show them round.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Oh, here we go! - Models? Keep talking.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33And I need you guys to move out for a few days
0:01:33 > 0:01:35and suggest some hot spots I can take them to.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- What?!- No way! - Where are we supposed to stay?!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Calm... Calm down.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41I have organised alternative accommodation
0:01:41 > 0:01:43in a very popular holiday destination.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Don't get too excited, but I own a cottage in Clacton.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54You guys are going to Clacton.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01No.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Right, I thought that might happen.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06What if I were to sweeten the deal, by crossing your palms with silver?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09What would you say to £50 each?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11That's less than a week's rent.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I'll take it. That's two pairs of jeans.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Ah, cheers, Geoff.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- Great. How about you, Kate? - I'm working.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Oh, yeah - cos agency work's notoriously inflexible.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Look, whatever, I'm not going, OK?
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Now, what if I were to tell you that this young man will be in Clacton?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Um...- Think he'd be up for sharing a two-for-one pizza deal?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31What?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34He's my nephew. He's about your level, isn't he?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36What do you mean, "about my level"?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Oh, you know, I'd say Championship playoffs...
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Derby County, Watford, Notts Forest, with a bit of investment...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- You have to be kidding me?! - All right, Norwich.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- I'll give you £250. - What, to pull your nephew?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50No, to go to Clacton. The rest is up to you and nature.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- £200 more than Owen. - In that case, deal.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, Geoff! I'd like to renegotiate my settlement.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00And I would like an evening in Cafe Rouge with Rachel Stevens,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03but it's never going to happen, is it? Finally, Josh...
0:03:03 > 0:03:07- No.- What would you say to 250 spondoolics?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"Spondoolics"? Are we negotiating a Ford Cortina?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13No, Geoff, I'm not going. I've got a gig, I don't want to let them down.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Well, I'm sure both audience members can find something else to do.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18No, I can't let the organisers down.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Also, I've got to sort out my gig receipts.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22- On top of that, I've got to do... - What, both of them?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- That's the same joke, Geoff. - If it ain't broke...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I've got to do a wash as well. I've got to meet Mike for lunch...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Josh? You know the Dutch models aren't going to sleep with you?
0:03:30 > 0:03:31They might.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Well, that is so sweet - you actually think you stand a chance.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Yeah, well, maybe they'll want something different?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38How are you offering something different?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I could read to them.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41From what?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43The Guardian. THEY LAUGH
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Oh, yeah. Cos babes love articles on austerity and wind farms(!)
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Just reading a few fashion magazines, Kate.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57You know me, getting a few style tips.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00No, I won't do anything stupid, I'm just going to be myself.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02DOORBELL RINGS Oh, here they are!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Next time you phone me, I won't be picking up,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06cos I'll be going at it with two hot Dutch models.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07See you later.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Hello, I am Ruud and this is Johan.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27So, they were blokes. THEY LAUGH
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- My God!- OK, OK.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- Oh, no.- I'm surprised you didn't stay, actually.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I thought that's what you went for.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- I mean, I met your last girlfriend. - She was pretty.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38She was handsome. Strong features.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- What is this place?- I like it.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43It's like Captain Birdseye's shag pad.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45The only good thing is, Geoff isn't here.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Imagine how much action Captain Birdseye must get.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Women love a man in uniform.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52All the fishfingers you can eat.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55He's director of his own company. I'd bang Birdseye.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I mean, look at these. It looks like he's trying to cover up a drink problem.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Well, these are brilliant! Imagine how big they'd be in real life.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- The size of a ship.- Yeah, but think about the size of the bottle.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Bagsy the only bedroom.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- What?- You snooze, you lose.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Or rather, you snooze, you sleep on the sofa bed with Owen.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Are you a spooner? - No.- Ah, spoonee.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15We're going to fit together perfectly.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25God, I hate the British seaside.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28You know, when I went to Great Yarmouth, I got kicked in the stomach by a donkey.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It was still the highlight of the holiday.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Do you remember when you got stuck on the big dipper and pissed yourself?- I didn't piss myself.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I went to the toilet the only place I could, which happened to be my trousers.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- Ah, oh, oh, oh!- There's not even a TV here. What am I meant to do?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Don't need a telly.- I'm not playing board games with you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- You get too competitive.- Board games are what holidays are all about.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Last time we played Jenga, you bit me!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49I'm lucky I'd just had a tetanus shot.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I did not bite you. I fell on your arm with my mouth.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53All right, Luis Suarez.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55What, the guy who wrote Mambo No. 5?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57No, that was Lou Bega and it was a cover version.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I'd be up for a nice, relaxed game of Monopoly.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I'm not playing with you two, you take it too seriously!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05It'll be calm and relaxed and fun.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Cash money, bitches!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10You've won second prize in a beauty contest.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13This is the start of my modelling career, Josh. Next thing you know,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15you'll be trying to kiss me and find out I'm a man.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17How do I come out of that worse?
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Oh, one, two...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - One, two, three, four, five.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Wha...what are you doing?- When you roll a double, you roll again.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- No-one does that!- Yes, they do.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27My uncle then drove for an hour straight,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29missed the start of his driving test.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Can we just move on from this, please?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Yes! Get in! Welcome to hotel town!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Pay up, sucker!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Excellent customer service, as always.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Don't give a shit, mate. Pay up, now!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Well, I'm bankrupt, I'm out. That was fun, wasn't it?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- Shall we just say Kate's the winner? - No way!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Not until everything's mine and you are all destitute.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I was once lagging behind like this in a school Monopoly competition.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Still went home with the trophy, no problem.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55What, you came back from losing this badly to win?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Well, no, I stole the trophy, but the end result was still the same.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- That's not winning. - Well, tell that to my mantelpiece.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03You can't just steal the trophy, Owen.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Why aren't you rolling, Kate? Are you scared?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07No!
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Oh...
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Ah... Mayfair, owned by one Kate Anderson.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15"Nice to see you again, Kate, thought you'd pop by?"
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"Yeah, yeah, just thought I'd pop by.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"Visit the best and most expensive hotel in London, which I own."
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I know what you're doing, Kate, but you can't get inside my head,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25because I am as calm as a cucumber.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26That's not the phrase.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Come on, my darlings, show Daddy what you can do.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Oh!- Argh! You let Daddy down!
0:07:33 > 0:07:34A-ohh!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38# Give me all your money Give me all your money! #
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Give me... I think that's two grand, actually?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Shall I just...? I'll help myself. - I will. I'll give you...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- I'll just pick it up myself, so... - Shh, shh, shh! Oh, my God.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- I think this town is built on a fault-line.- What? What?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Oh, my God! Kate, there's some sort of earthquake!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, Kate, it's an act of God!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57We'll have to call it an honourable draw.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'll give you act of God! Landslide!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, grow up!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02That's some hot property.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08I said "some hot property", cos you've got a hotel in your drink.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12See, Josh - that's the sort of joke you should be doing.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16MUSIC: Wait A Minute by The Coasters
0:08:16 > 0:08:19It was obvious they'd all had too much to drink.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Then Ruud had a claustrophobic fit on the London Eye.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23He was late for his first catwalk.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I thought I'd make myself scarce
0:08:25 > 0:08:27and now, Jimmy Choo wants to kick my arse.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Is that cos you nicked his shoes?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32No, these are my holiday shoes. Hm? Holiday?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34You're not staying here though, are you?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Absolutely! This holiday just got Geoffier.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- There's only one bed. - Are you a spooner?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Big time. But don't worry, I'm not going to intrude on you guys.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I'm going to be out there -
0:08:44 > 0:08:47spooning Mother Nature.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Another game of Monopoly, anyone?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51No, thanks, Kate. I just keep it for the guests.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52You know my views on gambling.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I'm not sure Monopoly counts as gambling.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- The cry of the addict. - It's not real money.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58That's what Nick Leeson said.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Anyway, I've got a rollmat with my name on it - literally.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04So, unless any of you fancy
0:09:04 > 0:09:06joining me by the campfire for a sing-along...
0:09:08 > 0:09:09I brought the old six-string.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Who's with me?
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Ah, well.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25# I can feel it coming in the air tonight
0:09:26 > 0:09:28# Oh, Lord
0:09:30 > 0:09:33# I've been waiting for this moment
0:09:33 > 0:09:36# All my life
0:09:36 > 0:09:38# Oh, Lord
0:09:38 > 0:09:39# Oh, Lord... #
0:09:44 > 0:09:47IMITATES DRUM SOLO
0:09:47 > 0:09:51# I can feel it coming in the air tonight
0:09:52 > 0:09:54# Oh, Lord
0:09:55 > 0:10:00# I've been waiting for this moment all my life... #
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Yeah! Woo!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04# Oh, Lord
0:10:05 > 0:10:10# I can feel it coming in the air tonight... #
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Right, lets get out of here, before Corporal Genesis shows up.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Best night's sleep ever. I slept like a log.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22No, you didn't. You sleep-talked throughout the night.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25You listed in detail all of Ian Rush's international strikes.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Ah.- The number of times I heard the phrase,
0:10:27 > 0:10:28"Last-minute consolation goal."
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Sorry, mate. - I mean, it's unbelievable!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32What do you do when you've got a girl round?
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Do you really want me to tell you?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- No!- Hey, look, it's just really comforting, sleeping in the same bed
0:10:37 > 0:10:40as someone you absolutely don't want to have sex with.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Was that what your ex-girlfriend said to you, Josh?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45- Are we ready to go?- No, coat, sorry. - Oh, for crying out loud.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48You can't rush someone when they're on holiday. It's a rule.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50We're not on holiday.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Never on holiday are you woken up by your landlord singing Sussudio.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Well, actually, I think the music put me in a weird, trance state.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Like, I love Phil Collins,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59but Geoff really put his own spin on those songs.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03You're lucky you heard all of it, mate. I was lulled to sleep after the first three.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05At the end, he thanked the stars for being a great audience.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- Oh, yeah, that is classic Collins. - OK, ready.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Right, are we ready to go? Cos if I see his guitar again,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- I'm going to put my foot through the hole...- Geoff!
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Good morning, campers! What a night, found some pretty rare grooves.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Think it's the sea air.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19So, breakfast's up.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22You should have seen the one that got away. It was, like, that big.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26This is Kevin, my nephew - or should that be "Geoffew"(?)
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I should start charging you for this gold.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Kevin, this is Kate, the girl I told you about.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36I've explained your situation, vis-a-vis loneliness and pizza.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38No need to thank me. Kevin...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I was in charge of maggots.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- Congratulations.- Flirting!
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Have you...have you watched Extreme Fishing With Robson Green?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- No.- See, he's got the gift of the gab.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Runs in the family.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58So, let's eat. Join us.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Oh, we'd love to, but er...
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- Yeah.- ..we've already eaten.- Yep.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- It's 8am.- Er, we had a midnight feast.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- What did you have?- Er, cheese.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Well, you should never eat cheese before bed, Owen.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I did it once when I was eight. Wet the bed for six months.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Did you have cheese before you got on the big dipper, Josh?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Right, shall we head into Clacton? Let's go.- Oh, Josh, Josh, Josh...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Owen, for a second, just have a quick word.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Thought we'd give the lovebirds a bit of privacy, to get acquainted.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Josh, can I be frank? Your gig has stuck with me.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Really?- Not in a good way.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34What if you had the chance to learn from true genius?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Who would you say are the masters of slapstick?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- I don't know.- Think modern.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- It's the Chuckle Brothers. - Is it?- To me.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44To me...
0:12:44 > 0:12:45To me!
0:12:45 > 0:12:48To me! To me!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- To me!- To you, Geoff?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I knew you'd be a fellow aficionado. I have got incredible news.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Tonight, they're doing a one-off performance down at the pier.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Of course they are.- It gets better.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I've been down to the theatre, I've had a word.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I've told them I'm coming down with a "comedian" - that's you.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Why have you done that?- You're going to scream when you hear this.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08The Chuckle Brothers have said they're willing to get you up on stage to do a skit with them!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- No, that can't happen. - It could be your big break.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11You could play their son.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13How does that make sense? They're not a couple.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16All you have to do is sign a health and safety waiver.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I'll go down the theatre and grab it. Come and meet you.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- Once that's signed, next stop Chuckle Town.- Geoff, I need you to stop interfering in my career!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24- Uncle Geoff!- Oh, not again, Kevin!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26This always happens when he gets panicky, he must like you.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- My blood pumps fast, it always finds a way out.- Hold your head back!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Don't drop on your holiday shoes! Have we got a tissue, anyone?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Kate, could you just hold the bridge of his nose, would you?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- It's running down the back of my throat.- Oh.- Look at you two.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You can't keep your hands off each other, can you?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- OK, got to go. Lovely to meet you. - See you later.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44See you later, Josh. If I can't find you, I'll call you.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Yep. Right, it's imperative we turn our phones off.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- No problem.- Already done.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51MUSIC: Surf City by The Beach Boys
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Why have you brought your own deckchair?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Oh, if this deckchair could speak!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59The things it's seen - Carmarthen Castle, Barafundle Bay,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Madison Square Garden...- When did you go to Madison Square Garden?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Previous owner, mate. Lenny Kravitz Esquire.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08You bought your deckchair off Lenny Kravitz?
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Yeah. I was working in Cardiff International Airport, summer job.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15He asked for directions, I said, "Are you going to go my way?"
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Both laughed.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19And he couldn't get this on as hand luggage.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Which means there's only going to be one winner - this guy.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I told him that Fly Away
0:14:26 > 0:14:28was one of the top ten guitar riffs of all time.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30He wanted 20, we shook on 10.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32There's no way that's Lenny Kravitz's deckchair.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Well, put it this way -
0:14:33 > 0:14:36have you seen Lenny Kravitz with a deckchair in the last ten years?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38No.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Case closed. Ah!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Why would you need to go abroad,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45when you've got this on your doorstep?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48God was having a really good day when he made Clacton.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Oh, no! Geoff and Kevin are coming down the seafront.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55I think Kevin's got me a present.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oh, God, why won't they leave us alone?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- Get up, get up, get up! - They're coming straight for us!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- We've got to hide! Quick, quick! - Come on, let's go! Come on!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I don't know what all the fuss is about. It's only Geoff and Kevin.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10No, Owen! They cannot find us, under any circumstances.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Here... Hide! Hide here! Hide here, quick. Oh, my God.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- First.- It's not a race, is it?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Not much of one, with this opposition.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21Shh, shh, shh, shh!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Of course, the dream is, we use this to discover our engagement ring.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- I mean, that is...- Don't even start.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- I might wear a hat for your wedding to Kevin.- I wouldn't invite you.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Oh, so you admit you're going to get married?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37No, I'm not going to marry Kevin!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Josh, Kate doesn't need a little scrap of paper
0:15:39 > 0:15:41to show the world how she feels.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Ah, this is more like it. Thank you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Fish, chips and no Geoff.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- Whoa! What are you doing? - I just want one!- No, no.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55I have my chips, you have your chips and never the twain shall meet.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Ah, that is bollocks.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58If I was the one with the chips, you'd be grabbing away
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- like it was the last five seconds of The Crystal Dome. - MAN LAUGHS
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- Good one. - What are you laughing at?
0:16:04 > 0:16:05That joke about how stingy you are.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I'm not stingy!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Look around you, people don't just give their chips away.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Oh, yeah? You can have one of mine.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, that is good to see.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Ah, you, sir, are a gentleman. - I wouldn't go that far.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- I'm just not tight.- Neither am I!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Yeah, right.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Oh, by the way, they throw old fish into the bins out back
0:16:23 > 0:16:26after closing, if you want to rummage around for a freebie.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Why don't you just mind your... Oh, my God!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Geoff. Oh, my God!
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Er, the toilet!
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Oh, piss off!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Oh, they're sitting down. What are we going to do?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Ah! Oh, thank you very much.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Well, this is perfect. I haven't relaxed this much in ages.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01What am I going to eat?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Er, Kate, mate, could I just have one of your chips?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05THEY LAUGH
0:17:05 > 0:17:08No! You have your chips, I have my chips and...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- BOTH:- Never the twain shall meet.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14The problem is, we need ketchup. Did you get any?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Don't need any, mate. Don't have the palate of a five-year-old.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Oh, wow, you really didn't like losing at Monopoly, did you?
0:17:20 > 0:17:21I didn't lose at Monopoly!
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Er, it was a natural disaster, Kate. There can be no winners.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Listen, I'm going to go and get some sauce.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- But what about Geoff? - Er, I've got a hood.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Oh, for God's sake, he's going to see you.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Do you want me to mush your food while you're gone?- Whatever.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Mm, great chips.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Best, like, best chips, best chips I've ever had.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Kate, can you get up? I need a piss.
0:17:46 > 0:17:47No way am I watching you piss.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Can't you just stand in the corner and face the wall?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52What is this, The Blair Witch Project?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54Ta-dah!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58They, er...
0:17:58 > 0:18:01They don't call me The Shadow for nothing.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Oh, yes!- Mmm.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Oh, by the way...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- ..Geoff's gone. - Oh, for God's sake!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Any man who can wear shorts after the clocks have gone back
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- is fine by me.- Yeah, I'm just sick of him turning up
0:18:30 > 0:18:32and droning on and on about my stand-up.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- I don't go round saying he's a shit landlord.- Yes, you do.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Yeah, but that's not the point, is it?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39He might just be having a nice day with his nephew.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41He's not necessarily trying to track us down.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Oh, you think? You think 18 missed calls, 18 new voicemails...
0:18:44 > 0:18:46He's like a drunken ex.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Oh, now you're talking. Penny arcade, the theatre of champions.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Yeah, won't let you in, then.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54It's a neon cathedral to fun.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Like, why would you even bother going to Vegas?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- Am I in hell?- Oh, stop complaining. You should be happy here.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02You know Geoff hates gambling. You can just kick back and relax.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I don't want to spend my day
0:19:04 > 0:19:07watching you two compete for an East 17 key fob.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Penny pushers! My speciality!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Er, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate... I should warn you -
0:19:12 > 0:19:15as a young pup, I got so good at these games,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I was driven out of my local amusement arcade,
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- like some sort of Vegas card shark. - I told you two - no competition!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Ah, believe me, he'll be no competition.- Oh, yeah?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25They used to watch me on the screens every night,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28remorselessly emptying the machines of 2ps.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29They'd no idea how I did it.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32They thought I'd been blessed with a sixth sense -
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- that I was a coin counter. - That's not a thing.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Oh, yeah. It's all about being at one with your machine,
0:19:38 > 0:19:39forming a bond.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Treat her like you're a foster parent.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Once I've chosen my machine,
0:19:44 > 0:19:48then it's about timing the coin,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50fall into sync...
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Back and forth.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Easy, girl...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58MACHINE BEEPS COINS CLINK
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Er, utter luck.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03It's about choosing the one that's closer to the edge, it's simple.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Oh, for...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Oh, I see what's happened here,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I've chosen one where the coins are glued down.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- Yes, well done, very clever! - We can't all win the jackpot, Kate.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Er, you won about 40p!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Yeah, but a stick of rock never tastes as sweet
0:20:17 > 0:20:19as when you've earnt it.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Are you two going to do this on every machine?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Oh, my God...
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Kate! Kate, look at that, look at that!
0:20:28 > 0:20:29OWEN GIGGLES
0:20:29 > 0:20:31No way!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- What?- It looks exactly like you!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- No, it doesn't. - It is a stuffed you!
0:20:37 > 0:20:39If we took you to a taxidermist, that is what they'd make.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- No, it isn't!- I always knew you looked like something
0:20:42 > 0:20:44and obviously, it's a stuffed lion.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46It doesn't look like me!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- How much for that toy? - The lion that looks like him?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Oh, you don't have to take the piss as well.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53It costs 4,000 tickets.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Owen, it is time to set aside our differences and do this!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Yes!- Why are you doing this? It's not funny.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Yeah, it's exactly like you.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Although, to be fair, he can shift a few more tickets.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04This is unbelievable.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I mean, first I'm bribed by my landlord,
0:21:06 > 0:21:08who follows me everywhere, to come to Clacton,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11then I have to watch you two compete for a six-year-old's pocket money
0:21:11 > 0:21:13and I can see what you're doing!
0:21:13 > 0:21:14I'm going for a piss.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18"Hello, my name's Josh and I'm very sexually anxious."
0:21:18 > 0:21:20"Oh, oh, do you remember the '90s?"
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You see, this is the mic on to 4003.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- You've got the discriminator on that.- Now, how will I get my...?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Excuse me... Oh, God!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Can you let me in, please?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48We don't bin old hot dogs until 10pm, mate.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50No, I just need to get in, please.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Oh, but there is a half-eaten candyfloss in the portaloo,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- if you want to help yourself to that?- Please, just let me into the park!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- 20 quid. - How is it now 20 quid?- Peak time.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Oh, OK, whatever.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Thank you.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21What are you doing, just standing there?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Aren't you going to go on a ride? - No, I'm fine here.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Mate, if you're just going to loiter, I'm going to have to ask you to get out.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Customers are going to find it weird.- There's no-one here!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Because there's a loiterer. - All right, well, what have you got?
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Well, there's er, this guy.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Even my knuckles turn white when I ride on him.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Why's he praying? Look where he is. Clearly, God's not listening.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40All right, Dawkins.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Well, if you're feeling really brave,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44there's always our pride and joy...
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Looks a bit like you, doesn't it? - Don't you start.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- How is this your pride and joy? - Don't have a go at the ride,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53just cos you don't have the guts to go on it.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56I've seen scarier bus routes. It's a Mexican mouse.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58The only thing that'd be afraid of that is cheesy nachos.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- Or you.- Fine. Let's do this.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Is this what I paid my 20 quid for?
0:23:04 > 0:23:07That, and my sparkling company. Enjoy your adventure.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11MEXICAN MUSIC
0:23:19 > 0:23:22'El Diablo is the fastest mouse in all of Mexico,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24'until one morning, he awoke to find
0:23:24 > 0:23:28'he'd been turned into the fastest roller coaster in Clacton.'
0:23:28 > 0:23:30How is that a backstory?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Come on, don't stop!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Come on!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Oi! No.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Oi!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I've lost momentum! Come on!
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Take your headphones off! Oi!
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Mole, mole, mole, mole, mole, mole, mole, mole...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21How do you think that's helping?!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Sorry, try to keep it simple. - Oh, my God.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Mole, mole...
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Hey! Argh!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34It goes so fast. How do you steer a car with a pogo stick?
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Ah!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Oh!
0:24:37 > 0:24:42Two tokens. Bringing our grand total to...two tokens.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Only 3,998 tokens away from a stuffed Josh.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Kate...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57ALARM BLARES
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- Got it?- Yeah!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Hello! I'm up here!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I'm stuck on the ride!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Hey, Owen, it's Josh.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Look, you and Kate need to turn your phones on and call me back.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29OK?
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Hello, police, please.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Hi, yeah.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45I'm stuck on a Mexican mouse ride on Clacton pier.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49No, I know prank calls are illegal.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54No, look... He's got his headphones in!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Look, can't you just come down here and get me off?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Oh, come on, you're better than that.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Look, how long are you going to be? Two hours? It's an emergency!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Cos I need a piss! Oh, just leave it!
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Argh! Argh!
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Please!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20THUNDER RUMBLES
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Hey, Geoff, it's Josh.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Yeah, I saw I had a missed call from you?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Look, I need a favour.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:48We'd like to thank you for coming, Julie.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50A little birdie told me that you love cake,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52so I spent all night baking you a cake.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Well, I have.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Yeah, under my instructions, Barry. Can I have the cake?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- To you.- To me.- To you, then... - To you.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Julie?
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Julie?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07You could have put my name on the cake.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Oh, you want to see Julie on the cake?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Would we like to see Julie on the cake, ladies and gentlemen?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- CHEERING - We all know where this is going, don't we?
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Julie, what do you think?
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Well?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Put Julie on the cake.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22You heard her, Barry.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27MUSIC: Beyond The Sea by Bobby Darin
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- You see, there's nothing funny in a grumpy man.- Exactly!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Hey, do you mind if we have a go of your catchphrase?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- Not at all. To you.- To me.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37- To you.- To me.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- To you.- To me.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40- To you.- To me.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41- To you.- To me.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42- To you.- To me.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- To you.- To me.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- To you.- To me...
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# She's there watching for me
0:27:58 > 0:28:02# If I could fly like birds on high
0:28:02 > 0:28:08# Then straight to her arms I'd go sailing
0:28:08 > 0:28:14# It's far beyond the stars
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# It's near beyond the moon... #