0:00:02 > 0:00:04FIRE ALARM BEEPS Is that a false alarm?
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Sorry, I set the smoke alarm off by mistake.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- At 7am!- Fire never sleeps!
0:00:08 > 0:00:09- How did you do it?!- Toast probably.
0:00:09 > 0:00:12As you're up, some builders want me to move the car.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Do you mind sitting in the passenger seat for me?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16This needs to stop happening. Can you pass your test?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Look, when pedestrians stop stepping out, I'll stop failing.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- Come on. - All right, let's get this over with.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22- Is that a lighter?- Yes. No.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37If you can't park the car, at least turn the fans off.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39They don't turn off.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41They haven't since Dad punched the dashboard
0:00:41 > 0:00:43when Neil Kinnock lost the '92 general election.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Just park the car! We should have parked in that space back there.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48You know I'm better at the forwardy ones!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Fair play to that old lady.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52How she spotted that gap, I will never know.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54You got out to guide her in.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Yeah, and if we help one another, the world becomes a happier place.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Oh, piss off, Ghandi, you're trying to park a car, not liberate the Raj.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04We've been going 45 minutes!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I didn't realise parking spaces would be at such a premium.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07We're in London!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Actually, I'm not sure this still counts as London.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11- Oh!- Right, here's the plan.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I know a great free parking space in Hendon.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15We can just get the train back. It'll be fine.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Have you got a railcard?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Hey, whoa, whoa! What you doing?!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Ohh, steady on, Hulk Hogan, this is technically
0:01:21 > 0:01:23a classic car!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Quentin Willson would cream his pants at this!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- LAUGHING:- Oh, look, it's the kid from The Snowman!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Walk of shame, is it, mate?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Walk of shame? How would that even work?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Who would go to a girl's house in their dressing gown and slippers?
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Hugh Hefner.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47A, he wouldn't need to, they all live in his mansion.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49B, I didn't get up at 7am
0:01:49 > 0:01:51to discuss the logistics of Hugh Hefner's love life.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54C, I'm going inside. Good day.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Excuse me, are you all right?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I just saw you being bullied by those two workmen
0:02:04 > 0:02:05and it was horrible to watch.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh, it was just banter, it was nothing personal.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09No, it really was.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I hate bullying and you should be allowed to dress how you like.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I agree with you. But just to be clear, this isn't how I dress.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Well, I like it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18My favourite outfit.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19And all this Hugh Hefner business.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23I mean, it's just chauvinistic and crass. It's upsetting.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Do you know what I always say?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27If we respect one another, the world becomes a happier place.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Golly.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31- I'm Lucy.- I'm Josh.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Morning.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Where have you been?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Owen has just taken me to High Barnet.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Er, is that a euphemism or a birthday treat? Or both?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Actually, I've been thinking about your birthday.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Let's have a house party!
0:02:48 > 0:02:49We are not having a house party.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I don't want people having sex in my bedroom.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- Yeah. The policy you've stuck to for the last year.- Good one.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55But that is about to change
0:02:55 > 0:02:57because I have just met my future wife!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Successfully wired the money to Russia?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01No, it's a girl from upstairs called Lucy.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- We met in the hallway. - Oh, God, Lucy?!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Yeah, Lucy. She's amazing.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's a goody-goody.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Kind of person who judges you for not giving half your salary
0:03:10 > 0:03:11to a koala sanctuary.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12What did she say to you?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15She just said she liked my scarf but I knew what she was really saying.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Well, I like her.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- You have nothing in common.- We do. - She's all nicey-nicey
0:03:19 > 0:03:22and you're the person who tried to get the Domino's delivery guy
0:03:22 > 0:03:24fired for bringing the wrong dip.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Why would I want a barbecue dip with a barbecue pizza?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27It makes no sense.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30If you can't pick up the right dip, don't get on the moped.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Such a nice guy.- I am a nice guy.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35And all I've got to do is be a nice guy for the next 60 years,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39and then me and Lucy can live happily ever after in our nice...
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Where the shit is my shitting cake?!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Oh, yeah, you're right. You can be nice.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Where is it?- Owen ate it last night.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Unbelievable.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47It didn't have your name on it.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Yes, it did. It said, "Happy Birthday, Josh."
0:03:50 > 0:03:52That was six quid, that cake!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Um, how do you know that?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Cos I bought it.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58You bought yourself a birthday cake?
0:03:58 > 0:03:59It was on offer.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02What, and it just happened to say "Happy Birthday, Josh" on it?
0:04:02 > 0:04:03No, I might have paid extra for that.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06But it's my birthday! I deserve it!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08That's the most tragic thing I've ever heard.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10How is it tragic to give myself the birthday I want?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12You know I've always had rubbish birthdays,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14being pushed into doing what my parents want.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17So you didn't ask for the 10cc tribute band at your ninth birthday?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Why would I have wanted 11cc? I wanted a bouncy castle.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And then I didn't want the stroll on my 10th birthday.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25On my 13th, I didn't want to go to Debenhams...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Ohh, do you remember the Chelsea Flower Show?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29What's wrong with the Chelsea Flower Show?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Oh, God, that was your idea, wasn't it?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Charlie Dimmock was doing a meet-and-greet.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34It was an incredible day!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I really wanted that cake! DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Well, you've only got yourself to blame.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40The thing with Owen is you have to assert yourself.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It's the only way you can control him.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43All right, Supernanny.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- Lucy!- Hey, Josh. This is for you.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Oh, thank you so much. Oh, you shouldn't have.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54No, Josh, your post got muddled up with mine.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Ha!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Golly.- Don't...- I'm...- No.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Sorry, I feel awful now.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I should've got you something as soon as I realised.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- No, no, no.- I am so sorry! - Do not apologise.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- Your presence is enough of a present for me.- Bleurgh!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Got anything planned for the big day?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Well, my flatmate wants to have a house party.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Oh. I love house parties.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15So we're having a house party!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Yes! Golly!
0:05:18 > 0:05:20# Let's have a party. #
0:05:22 > 0:05:23I just don't think it's going to work, Owen.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26What are you on about? It's going to save British television.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28You bring back Win, Lose Or Draw, presented by Danny Dyer,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31but he's allowed to swear, including M, F and C words.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- How is the party coming along? - Oh, let me just check.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Have you heard my Win, Lose Or Draw idea?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Yes, Danny Dyer, you told me.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Ah, what?! 150 people not attending!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42What is this, a protest?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Oh, my God. And look who is attending!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's just me and you. This is so sad.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49You've made a Facebook invite for our normal Monday night.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Won't this confuse Lucy? Aren't nice people supposed to have mates?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Yeah, she's not wrong. I went to a party at Ben Fogle's house once,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57people were queueing down the street.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Owen, why aren't you attending?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01You know me, I don't like to tie myself down.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03If I really fancy it, I'll click "maybe attending".
0:06:03 > 0:06:05You haven't clicked "maybe attending".
0:06:05 > 0:06:06You do the math.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Let me have a look. OK.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10"Hello. Welcome to my birthday invite page.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13"Here you can find out all about my event."
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- What, you've got it on the template setting.- No, I wrote that.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Oh, dear Lord.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19"We expect to start around 8pm.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23"Some drinks, nibbles..." Oh, my God... You've used clip art!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26What is this, your GCSE coursework? Are you going to quote Encarta?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Do you want me to save the night,
0:06:28 > 0:06:29sprinkle it with a bit of Owen stardust?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Definitely not. This is my party. You two stay out of it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34LAPTOP BEEPS Oh, first guest!
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- Tom Gregory is attending! - Oooh! The only guest is Kate's ex.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- Yeah.- I'm going to upgrade to "maybe attending".
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- Ho-ho-ho-ho ho! - He's more than welcome.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Kate. He was your first boyfriend and he dumped you.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It's fine to be a bit bitter.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I'm not bitter. Because he didn't dump me.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51It was amicable. We weren't compatible.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- In that you liked him and he didn't like you?- No.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55When he dumped you, didn't you throw his phone against the ground
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- in a fit of blind rage? - No, that's not true.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00He gave me his phone to call for a cab and it slipped out of my hand.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- It was a hot day. - No human being gets that clammy.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- I do! I'm a clammy person! - That's cos you'd just been dumped!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09LAPTOP BEEPS Here we go, another one!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Oh, no. Tom's girlfriend Cath's attending.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Shotgun, I'm not talking to her.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Oh, she is so boring.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17All she does is play YouTube videos on her phone.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Last time I met her, she played me four TED Talks on her phone.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- One was on the art of conversation. - Yes, I heard that one.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Well, I for one, can't wait to meet her.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27I'm just glad Tom's found love.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Well, you keep telling yourself that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34LAPTOP BEEPS REPEATEDLY
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Owen, who are all these people that are coming to the party?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- What the hell has happened? - I had to make a few changes, mate.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42It's one of the most embarrassing invite pages I've ever seen.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Don't want it to go viral. Didn't want there
0:07:44 > 0:07:45to be a BuzzFeed article about you.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Fancy dress?! I hate fancy dress!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50I told you to stay off this thing. Why do you never listen to me?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I'm not a huge fan of fancy dress myself,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54but, you know, desperate times and all that.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Just seen the page - fancy dress! Brilliant!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58There isn't going to be a fancy dress party.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I am going to make the most incredible outfit.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02It's going to be hip but biodegradable.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- And for those who fail to meet the remit...- Remit?! There won't be one.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- There's always a remit. - Yes, there's always a remit.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08And for those who fail to meet it,
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I'm going to have a box of approved costumes for people to change into.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14But I don't like fancy dress. This isn't going to happen.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15And, before you ask, the remit is
0:08:15 > 0:08:18A, you've got to come in fancy dress. Obvs.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20And B, none of that trying-to-look-sexy crap.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22If you're going to come as a bunny rabbit,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24it'd better be one riddled with myxomatosis.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Oh. And food?- Obvs. Mini quiche, crisps in a bowl, and then...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28- Bang! - MEXICAN ACCENT:- Hot quesadillas!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30No, no, no. This isn't happening.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Oh, come on, Josh. This could be good for you.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Does Lucy like fancy dress? - I don't know.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37- Does she like quesadillas?- Maybe.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Wow, it's almost like you really don't know her.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Look, this is my party, and you two need to learn to stay out of it.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44How do you spell quesadillas?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46No, no, no! Stop this!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Yes, and that's why when you're making your own outfit,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55you can never underestimate the versatility of the inner tube.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Have we got much further to go?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58This is like an audience with Wayne Hemmingway.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Don't worry, we're not far.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01We can grab our costumes and then Kate can spend
0:09:01 > 0:09:04the rest of the day making dungarees out of fuzzy felt.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Spending the day making an outfit from scratch is
0:09:06 > 0:09:08one of the most satisfying things you can do.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10You sound like a press release for a sweatshop.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13I'm just saying if you make your own costume, it's impressive.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14It says you're creative.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16No, it doesn't. It says you've got too much time on your hands.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Yeah, and people already know that, Kate. You don't need to show them.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I thought you might give it a go, Owen.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23No, I need to steer clear of adhesive.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I used to chew the glue sticks at school.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Made me go a bit weird.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29What if I offer to help you make it? I am so talented.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32When I went to my sister's birthday, I was dressed as a boom box
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and it was so realistic that someone tried to put a tape in my mouth!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Had you been talking to them about inner tubes?- Ha-ha. Good one(!)
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Right. Art shop thataway. Don't mind if I do.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44When you see me later this evening, you probably won't recognise me.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Oh, we'll definitely pretend we don't recognise you.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48I wonder who she's going to go as?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Texas Pete from SuperTed. That's what I've heard.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I went to a fancy dress party as Mr Universe.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Pair of trunks, piece of piss.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I went to a fancy dress party as Adrian Moorhouse, the swimmer who
0:09:57 > 0:10:00won gold at the 1988 Seoul Olympics. Pair of trunks piece of piss.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Is it always a pair of trunks? - Well, it's a nice pair of trunks.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05My problem is it's just so humiliating.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Do we really have to do this?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Yes, the remit's very clear - no fancy dress, no entry.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- It's my party!- Yes, and if you wear fancy dress, you can come.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Oh, whoa, whoa. Check this out.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Hey?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Girls love a Viking.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- You need to brush up on your history, mate.- All right.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Did I tell you about the fancy dress party I went to in Cardiff
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- and Tasmin Archer was there?- No.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Get this - she went dressed as the moonlit sky.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28She kept getting people to say to her,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31"But, Tasmin, that doesn't fit in with the theme of the party,"
0:10:31 > 0:10:34to which she'd reply, "Don't blame me for the moonlit sky."
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- No, she didn't. - Yeah, you know, people laughed.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38She'd gone to all that effort and it's Tasmin Archer.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40That night though she slept in the bath.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I think she was going through a tough patch in her career.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Now 23 had slipped out of the charts which is inevitable.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Oh! Nelson Mandela?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I'm not going to black up.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50No, you're right. It's too soon.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Ah! This is perfect! Native American.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Girls will think you're all nomadic.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I live in a flat share with a 12-month contract
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- and no-break clause. - And? Just try it on.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- I'm not going to try it on. - Come on, it's perfect.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03No, I'll just buy it and then we can go home.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05You can't just buy it. At least try on the headdress.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Just leave me alone. You keep doing this to me, Owen.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Shove your headdress up your arse!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Lucy!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Hi, Josh. Wow, it's so lovely to see you.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16So lovely to see you too! This is my friend, Owen.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Oh! Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19So is this is where you work?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22No, I work for Save the Children, this is where I volunteer.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Of course, of course.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I just think it's really important to look out
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- for the vulnerable and the elderly. - Couldn't agree more.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30As you say, "If we respect one another,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32"the world becomes a happier place".
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Is that what you say, is it?- Yup.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- So, is this for the party? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I had no idea it was fancy dress. I love fancy dress!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Oh, I love fancy dress too! We've got so much in common, haven't we?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I just love that these clothes were once someone's cherished
0:11:45 > 0:11:46possessions. You know?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48If these clothes could talk...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Yeah. They'd say, "Dry-clean me".
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Oh, no, he's joking. You're joking, aren't you, Owen?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm joking. I'm only pulling your leg.- Oh, right.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Oh, it's such an amazing shop.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00It's like a museum of memories, isn't it?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Yeah.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04You know, actually I really appreciate you guys shopping here.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06You know, your money will go to such a good cause.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I think it's really important that we look out
0:12:08 > 0:12:10for the elderly, you know?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I couldn't agree more. Do you know what I always say?
0:12:12 > 0:12:14If we don't show love to the elderly,
0:12:14 > 0:12:15how can we show love to ourselves?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17(Jesus Christ.)
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Wow.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Exactly!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Sorry, I'm a bit embarrassed. Just sometimes this really gets me.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26No, no, no, no, no. Come here, come here.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29SHE CRIES
0:12:35 > 0:12:38DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Hi, Kate. - Geoff. You're early.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Just come for my monthly inspection of the smoke alarms.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Geoff?- Yes?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Why are you in a banana suit?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Oh, just been training for my fun run.- Dressed as a banana?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Yeah, well, you've got to replicate race conditions
0:12:59 > 0:13:02so I've been on the treadmill down at the gym in my race outfit.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Wow. Did you get any funny looks?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I don't know, I've got tunnel vision.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08So, why are you still wearing it?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Lost my locker key. There's no pocket in this outfit.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13It's not as practical as it looks.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18Anyway, on to the more important issue...
0:13:18 > 0:13:20of your potential death
0:13:20 > 0:13:22in the event of an out-of-control house fire.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Look, Geoff, I'm quite busy right now so could you just...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27You know the drill, locate the nearest exit
0:13:27 > 0:13:29and evacuate the premises immediately.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31We don't want you being frazzled to death
0:13:31 > 0:13:34because you wanted to see the end of Question of Sport, do we?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- Yes, very useful, Geoff.- Perfect.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Geoff?- Guilty as charged.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39It's the world's oldest banana.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- I didn't know you were coming to the birthday party?- Owen!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Party? I didn't know you were having a party.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tonight.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Oh, well, in that case, happy birthday, Owen.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Oh, no. - It's not his birthday, it's mine.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Well, then why is he doling out the invites?
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Good question!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Er, it's fancy dress.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I shall have to have a root around.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00See if I can find something to wear.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Where did you find all this stuff?
0:14:12 > 0:14:17OK. Are you ready to see my incredible outfit?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Suppose so.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Ra-ta-ta!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Ha! I'm Guinness!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25I can see that.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Think this should break the awkwardness?
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Who with, Shane MacGowan?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30No, you know how everyone's saying I'm bitter
0:14:30 > 0:14:32about the break-up with Tom?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Well, tonight, I'm not bitter, I'm Guinness!- Oh, God, no.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Which is the opposite of bitter.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Sorry, how do you see this playing out?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41OK, sample conversation.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Tom - "Kate, are you bitter?" Kate - "No, I'm Guinness."
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Tom - "Hold me."
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Kate - "No, sorry, mate, don't see you that way".
0:14:47 > 0:14:49How early did you start the drinking?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Hey, guys! Are you ready to be wowed?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- BOTH:- Yes!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- REDNECK ACCENT:- You're under arrest!
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Oh! Don't you look...!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01You need to get me some doughnuts and coffee, ma'am,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- I'm on a stakeout! - Oh, no, don't shoot!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05What the hell are you doing?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- I'm a cop. - Yeah, no, I can see that.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11But no, no, no. A minute ago, I was a noble Native American,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- now I'm one of the Village People. - Why have you come as one of them?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I haven't. You've made me into one.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18You're going to need to get changed. What else have you got?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Erm... Yellow hard hat?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21That's the same issue.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, relax. It'll be all right.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25No, but I have to try and seduce the love of my life
0:15:25 > 0:15:28dressed as a member of one of the most iconic homosexual pop groups
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- of the 20th century.- Oh, chill out.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33No, you are going to need to wear something else.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Go get something from the emergency fancy dress box
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- in Kate's room. - Why should I change? I look great.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- Why don't you get changed? - Cos I bought this from Lucy's shop
0:15:40 > 0:15:42and she said the headdress brings out my eyes.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Oh, God. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. Boom!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Right. That is it.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48First, there was the day trip to High Barnet.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Then you stole my cake.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53Then you took over the party and invited Geoff. And now this.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Don't stand next to me tonight in case Lucy thinks that we're,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58you know... In fact, do not talk to me at all tonight.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Understand? - All right. Suit yourself.- Good.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Why have you come as a pint of bitter?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13MUSIC: Raspberry Beret by Prince
0:16:20 > 0:16:22DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it!
0:16:26 > 0:16:27Hey, mate!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Hey, good to see you, Tom, Cath. Come on in.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Hi!- Good to see you.- Nice outfits.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Same, mate.- You too.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35- How!- How? What?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Sorry. I thought that's what Native Americans do.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Oh, right, yeah. Or "stop decimating our culture"?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Oh, Lucy would have loved that.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Tom!- Kate!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Hi, nice to see you! - How you doing?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Ah, sorry can't hug.- Hey!
0:16:47 > 0:16:48- Cath, lovely to meet you.- And you!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Ahh. You're John Lennon?
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Yeah, that's the idea, yeah, yeah.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- No-one's come as Mark Chapman. Shame.- Shame?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59No, I didn't mean shame, I meant...it's fine!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01- No-one's going to shoot you!- Great.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04You're Yoko Ono? Of course you are.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05What do you mean?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08No, no, not because of how she was, because of...
0:17:08 > 0:17:09- Cos he's, you know... - Because of the...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- I mean, having you been spending all week in bed together?- Sorry?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16For peace. For peace, not sex!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- I mean, you're allowed to have sex, that's fine.- Thank you.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23It's natural. Anyway, I am a Guinness.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Yeah.- Cos...?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28I'm not bitter.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31OK.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Shall we get you a drink?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- Let's do that, yeah. - Yeah, go on through, guys.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Go and join the party.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40See you in a minute.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46DOORBELL RINGS
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Geoff. You came.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- As an apple... - Bit of a squeeze.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- That Tube journey was a nightmare. - Hmm.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57What have you come as?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Guinness.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05OK, there you are.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09One for you, and one for you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Hang on a minute, I said no sexy.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Did you not read the remit?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Can you please go and get changed? - Hi, Kate.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Hi, Cath! Hi. I'm so glad you're here.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Me too. Great outfit.- Thank you.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Tick followed tock followed tick followed tock.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- LAUGHS:- Yeah, tick-tock tick-tock.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31No, no idea.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33The Guinness advert. With the horses.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Um?
0:18:34 > 0:18:38- Oh, my God, you haven't seen it?- No. - OK. Give me a second.- OK.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Just go onto YouTube.- OK.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Go to my Favourites file. - Yeah, yeah.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Guinness advert.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46There we go.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47- Buffering.- Yeah.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Old Billy Buffer!
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Old Billy's back in town.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Are you staying for the whole party? - Of course.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Great news.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I developed this terrible flaky skin condition.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06It was all over my hands
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- and in the end I had to give up my job at the sandwich bar.- Mm.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Oh, you'll love this, Mr McCartney.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- Er, it's Lennon. - Guess who my favourite band is?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16The Beatles?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18No, it's the Corrs.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Although The Beatles would kind of work, they were signed to Apple.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22No, it's The Corrs.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Anyhow...
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I'm off to find the little apples' room.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Dispense a little cider.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Not to defecate.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- Come on, mate, bit of privacy. - Sorry.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Undignified.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41MUSIC: Steal My Sunshine by Len
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Oh, my God, Lucy, you came! Oh, you look great.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Thank you. I really adore cats. I've adopted two strays.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03They're just so loving and so non-judgemental, you know?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06If only humans were more like that.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07No, no, no. Oi!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Bagpuss, none of that sexy crap. Get changed now!
0:21:10 > 0:21:11I'm really sorry about my flatmate.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14- She's joking, right?- Garfield!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Unless you want to lose one of your nine lives, find a new outfit!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21You know what, Josh, this probably isn't for me.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22I think I'm just going to leave.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24No, no, no. Lucy, please. Can I explain?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26It's a psychological condition.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28She's got genuine anger issues.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I've kind of taken her under my wing.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32To try and impart calm?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34In many ways, she's my stray cat.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36That's very sweet of you.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Look, there's a box of spare fancy dress costumes for people
0:21:38 > 0:21:39that didn't bring any.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Can I go and get you one, for Kate's anxieties more than anything?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Well, seeing as it's you.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46Thank you. I'll see you in a bit.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Because if you look, the building is still there.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And that's why 9/11 was an inside job.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Ah. That is genuinely fascinating.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13If you think that's fascinating then...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Cath, I just need to swap my Spotify playlist from
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Kate's Cool Cuts to Flavoursome Floor Fillers.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Oh, have you got that one that goes...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22# Oh-chika-ow-chika Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh. #
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- I can't remember what it's called. - Oh, well.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I'll Shazam it.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29# Oh-chika-ow-chika Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32# Oh-chika-ow-chika, Oh-chika-ow-chika, uhh, chika... #
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- Oh, sorry. - Owen? Owen, is that you?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Yeah, yeah. Is that Geoff?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Is my apple outfit out there?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Er, no, why would it be?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I had to get out of the apple to get into the toilet.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54But when I came out, the apple was gone.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Er, sorry, Geoff. Is this is this a maths problem?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00You've got to find it, Owen. I'm stuck in here in my pants.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Well, why can't you look for it?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03I can't wander around the party in my pants!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Just say you've come as Adrian Moorhouse
0:23:05 > 0:23:06at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- No, Owen!- Mr Universe?
0:23:08 > 0:23:09I'm body-conscious, Owen.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- The media have given me unrealistic expectations.- Oh, OK.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13You've got to find it.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15You're looking for a Granny Smith, only bigger.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Right.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Much bigger.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21OK.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23They're just dying out
0:23:23 > 0:23:25and nobody's doing anything about it.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Do you know what?
0:23:26 > 0:23:29The real sting in the tail would be life without the British honeybee.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31You're very sweet.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- Josh, Josh! Can I have a quick word? - Not now, not now, Owen.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- No, please, it'll take two minutes, please?- Not now. Not now.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Can I have a quick word? It'll take ten seconds!- OK! OK!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I'll be back. Just hold that thought, I'll be back in a sec.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Yeah, OK. Oh.- Oh, sorry. - Tight squeeze.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Owen, I was about to seal the deal then you come along
0:23:48 > 0:23:49and ruin things for me again!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52What is it now? You want me to find you a parking space in Aberdeen?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Listen, I was talking to Geoff. I don't know how it's happened but...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58No, no. I've told you I am not talking to you tonight. OK?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Oi!- SINGS:- Y-M-C-A!
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Sweetcorn!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- That is exactly why. Now piss off. - All right.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Did you hear...did you hear it? Did you hear that?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I can hear the coughing.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12They were right not to give him the million. Yeah.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- Exactly! Can I get a high five! - Yeah.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- Can I get a low five!- OK(!)
0:24:18 > 0:24:19There you go.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Do you know what, Kate? This has been so nice to get to know you.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Yeah.- Tom said that you'd really struggled with the break-up
0:24:25 > 0:24:27but I think that it's great that we're getting on like this.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Yeah, well, cos I'm not...
0:24:29 > 0:24:33OK. I'm going to zip to the loo but I must let you watch this.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35It's a TED Talk on the art of conversation.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Conversation, yeah, thanks.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41FIRE ALARM BEEPS
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Oh, sh...!
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Oh!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- SHE COUGHS - It's fine. Don't panic!
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Don't panic, everyone, everything's under control!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02- Don't worry, it's just the smoke alarm.- maybe we should do something.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- No, it's just Kate's quesadillas. - But she looks like she needs a hand.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07No, no, no. She doesn't.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Listen, she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12FIRE ALARM CEASES
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Now, where were we? Oh, yeah.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15The reasons I want to be a UNICEF ambassador.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Oi, oi, the stripper's here!
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Stripper?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Josh, I never thought you'd be the type to order a stripper.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23No, no, I'm not the kind of... What? Oh, my God!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Can I start by reassuring everybody I am not a stripper,
0:25:26 > 0:25:29I am just a man who is exciting calmly.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30No, no, no, don't, Geoff, it's fine.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32I just burnt the quesadillas.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Why are you dressed like that?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36My costume's been stolen. There's a thief in the house.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Oh, no. Wait, that's my costume! - There she is.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I didn't steal this. Josh gave it to me.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43- No. Why would I...? - Did you take this man's costume
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- and give it to me to wear? - Why would I do that?
0:25:45 > 0:25:46For a cheap laugh, I expect.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Is that why you invited me here? Just to make fun of me?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50I didn't invite you.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh, that's nice, isn't it? The last cut is the deepest.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55You know, earlier he called me the world's oldest banana.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58That is literally the cruellest thing I've ever heard.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Why would you taunt an old man with such confusing things?
0:26:02 > 0:26:03What are you, a nasty bully?
0:26:03 > 0:26:04No, no, I'm not!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Did you listen to the TED Talk?
0:26:07 > 0:26:11Oh, yeah. Er, oh... Ow! Oh!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13What the hell have you done to my phone?!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Not again, Kate!- It was hot!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18That's what you said last time! How the hell are you still bitter?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20So, so bitter.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I am not bitter, I am a Guinness!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Why don't you watch a cocking YouTube video about it?!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29It's OK. It's OK. I know what it's like.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30My sister had a very similar condition.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- No, Lucy... - What do you mean "condition"?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Your anger. Josh told me that he needed to nurture you
0:26:35 > 0:26:37because of your condition.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39The only thing Josh is nurturing is a desire to
0:26:39 > 0:26:42get into your ethically-sourced fair-trade knickers,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44you simpering twat.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Incredible. You are just a house of bullies!
0:26:47 > 0:26:48No, we're not!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I live here and I'm not a bully.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Right. Sorry, Owen. I shouldn't have said that.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53I really like your costume.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Oh, thanks. I'm glad somebody does.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Josh wouldn't let us stand together in case we seem homosexual.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00You're homophobic as well!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03No, I'm not homophobic. I just didn't want to ruin my chances!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05What chances?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06With you.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Goodbye, Josh.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I will dry-clean this and return it.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26She seems like a nice girl.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Oh, that was a real success. I really enjoyed that.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36I should've gone to the Chelsea Flower Show.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Yeah, or Debenhams.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Anyway, goodnight, birthday boy.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Yeah. Happy birthday, mate.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Uh, yeah, oh, yeah.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Come on, mate, bit of privacy.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Owen, I'm coming in with you.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59# I heard it from a friend
0:28:00 > 0:28:03# The revolution never happened
0:28:03 > 0:28:05# Sigh A little die
0:28:05 > 0:28:07# No more a child Goodbye
0:28:10 > 0:28:14# Now where's the woollen sweater
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# You mentioned in the letter?
0:28:16 > 0:28:19# Imply The other guy
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# And scandalise the lion. #