0:00:10 > 0:00:13- MAN ON TV:- OK. Let the wood see the pecker!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15"Let the wood see the pecker"!
0:00:15 > 0:00:19I mean, he's basically saying penis.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22He plays it so close to the line, but gets it just right every time.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Come on, Josh, it's Saturday night. Let's go out for a drink.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31We're having a drink. Also, they don't show Take Me Out in the pub.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Shall we go out after Take Me Out?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35What, and miss Take Me Out: The Gossip? Are you mad?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37What the hell is Take Me Out: The Gossip?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39It's only where you find out what really went down
0:00:39 > 0:00:42on the Isle of Fernando's. Don't you want to know what happened
0:00:42 > 0:00:45with Dean and Sophie after they bonded on the banana boat?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- Josh.- Mm-hm.- I feel like we're a middle-aged couple already.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Yeah, I know, it's amazing -
0:00:52 > 0:00:54it's only taken us a month to get this comfortable.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56It took my parents years.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Life is like a meal, and we have skipped to the pudding.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01These are our apple crumble years.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I'm not getting up until Gemma and I are back together.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08It's been three days.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12You'll get bedsores. You'll end up like that bloke from Seven.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Kate, I'm upset,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I'm not going to chop her head off and put it in a box.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Anyway, she's worth waiting for.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20She just said she needed some space.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You are aware that's not a thing, aren't you?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24It's just a polite way to dump someone.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26No, Gemma wouldn't do that.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29She just needs some space, like a deep-lying midfielder.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Aw, I know.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32She was perfect.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34We had all the same reference points.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Do you know who Nicky Butt is?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39- No idea. - He's a deep-lying midfielder.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Gemma knew that.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42She knew everything.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Right, I'm opening the curtains.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- No!- Just a bit of sunlight in here,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47I'm not putting a stake through your heart.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- Gemma's already done that.- Oh, God.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- Oh, you are kidding me.- What?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- You need to see this. - I'm not going anywhere.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00A middle-aged woman has just dropped Owen off in a sports car
0:02:00 > 0:02:03and, get this, he's wearing a leather racing jacket.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Kate, cheers for trying, but I'm not falling for that.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Oh, my God, they're kissing!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yeah, at least make it believable.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13They're really going for it.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Oh, that is disgusting.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Oh, that is demeaning.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Are you dating a cougar?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- No.- Who's that woman who dropped you off, then?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Er, "that woman" is Karen, and Karen's a woman
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I've been cat-sitting for.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Oh, cat-sitting, overnight.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Yeah, well, I had to stay overnight, didn't I?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Because her cat is bulimic, so I needed to make sure
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- she kept her food down.- OK, chinny.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Well, if you think the idea of a size zero Siamese is funny, Kate,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48then you've got a sick mind, cos Cheetara has body issues,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50so I needed to take down all the mirrors in the house
0:02:50 > 0:02:53to make sure she didn't shove her paw down her throat,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55so, yeah, ha-ha-ha, very funny.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Er, do you mind getting out of the way, please?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I've recorded a load of Flog Its.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I saw the two of you, together, having a Frenchie.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Sorry, do you think it's really believable that you would see me,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06of all people, kissing a woman in her fifth decade?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08No, that's why I took a photo.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You do realise there are laws against being a Peeping Tom?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Oh, so you admit there's something to peep at?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- So you admit you were peeping? - Well, I'll show you what I peeped.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Oh, you creepy peeper.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20OK, so I'm seeing a slightly older woman.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Have you got a problem with that, in your closed moral universe?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- So where'd you meet her?- If you must know, it was on a dating app.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Foxy Bingo is not a dating app.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Morning, Owen.- Morning.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Love the jacket. - Ah, thanks, it's a peach, isn't it?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Oh, yes, you look like a young Ayrton Senna.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Although hopefully you won't go the same way.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Keep it light, Geoff. - I certainly will, Owen, my boy,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45with these energy-saving light bulbs.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48No, they really are a money saver,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I'll e-mail you a breakdown of the cost benefits.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51To me!
0:03:53 > 0:03:57So, did I hear that you've been enjoying an older woman?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01Good work. All the middle-aged women that I have...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05..lain beside have been like fine wines.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- What, alcoholic? - No, the really good ones are French.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Although I have been enjoying a rather fruity British number lately.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Is this still a metaphor?
0:04:12 > 0:04:17I am currently seeing a younger lady.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Really? Well, well, well, Geoff, you old rogue.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21How much younger is she?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- Six months.- Oh.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Different school year, Owen, I feel very naughty.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27If I was 16, it wouldn't be legal.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Morning, Kate.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Aw, here he is. Congratulations for making it out of bed.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Well, I've got you to thank for that.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40I'd still be under the duvet if it wasn't for you
0:04:40 > 0:04:42- and your e-mail admin. - What are you talking about?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Your reply to us about Geoff's e-mail
0:04:44 > 0:04:46about energy-saving light bulbs.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47"No, we don't want your stupid light bulbs.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50"Like you, they are dim and will never get screwed."
0:04:50 > 0:04:52What can I say? I write a zingy e-mail.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I'm not questioning the zinginess, Kate,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57the problem is with who you sent it to.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Me, Owen, and...
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- No!- Yeah, Geoff.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Oh, no, this can't be happening.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Yeah, you replied to all.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08You amateur, you are so digitally naive.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Oh, no, I'm great at this stuff.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I mean, I've never failed to include an attachment.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I even racially adapt my emojis depending on the recipient.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Isn't that MORE offensive?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Is it? Oh!
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Look, Kate, don't worry about it,
0:05:21 > 0:05:25all you've done is broken the heart of a lonely middle-aged man.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Oh, no, no, no.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Oh, God. I feel terrible.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32He'll be OK, won't he? I mean, he's always so chipper.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I doubt he will ever laugh again.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36To think, just last week he was telling me he'd been given
0:05:36 > 0:05:39a book of rude road signs. I bet he's at home now,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43failing to find the humour in a slip road that looks like a penis.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Oh, God, this is awful.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I'm a cyber bully.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Well, why don't you just press the button that deletes
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- the e-mail from his inbox? - Can you do that?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Of course not! You are so digitally naive!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Here you go, one ham salad baguette.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Does that make up for you being brutally dumped?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- I'm vegetarian. - Oh, you should have said.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- I live with you. - Oh, God, waste not, want not.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Are you ever going to take that leather jacket off?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15All right, you're a vegetarian, I get it.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18No, I'm saying you've not taken it off since you got it.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21And why would I take off Nigel Mansell's racing jacket?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24As if it's Nigel Mansell's actual jacket.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28One Rothmans-sponsored moustache comb.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30No way, where did you get it?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Karen. She runs a sporting memorabilia website.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35It is the ultimate friends with benefits.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I get my pick and she gets my...
0:06:37 > 0:06:38- Don't say it.- My devotion!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Listen, this is what you're missing out on.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42You need to get back out there.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I'd told Karen all about you, and she's up for a double date.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Oh, God, that is disgusting.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Oh. No, not like that. No, she's got a friend.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50We're not going to be custard cousins.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Is that a phrase? - Yeah, yeah, it means when we both...
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Yeah, I get what it means.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57No, I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in dating a woman
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- that remembers the three-day week. - But you haven't even met Valerie.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Valerie? What is she, a dinner lady?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I don't want extra servings of liver.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06OK, you're a vegan, I get it.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07No, I'm a vegetarian.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09And you don't half love banging on about it.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Look, I'm sorry, but I'm waiting for Gemma.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Mate, you have been dumped, that is what "I need some space" means.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18No, she is just a girlfriend on standby.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Her little red light is on.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21What, she's become a prostitute?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23What? No!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25What I'm saying is we all need time on our own.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28It just happens for me it is the length of a shower,
0:07:28 > 0:07:30for her it is four to six weeks.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Come on the date. What is the worst that can happen?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35You eat for free, you drink for free, and who knows?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36You might end up with, um...
0:07:36 > 0:07:38John Virgo's waistcoat.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Geoff, how nice to see you.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- Ah, Kate.- I was just thinking, actually, "I wonder how Geoff is."
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Great.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Brought the rest of the energy savers over, but what's the point?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Oh, what's getting you down?
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Climate change? - No. Hate penguins.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- What?- One stole my wallet at the Cornwall Seal Sanctuary,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10wouldn't give it back.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12In fairness, I stopped chasing it after three lengths.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Look, Geoff, I am so sorry about what's happened.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I think we should talk about it.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19I don't want to talk.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- I've been hurt.- I hate seeing you like this, Geoff. I feel awful.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Maybe I just don't understand people.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You think you know someone well enough
0:08:28 > 0:08:31for them to tell you how they feel face-to-face.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Next thing you know, your phone dings
0:08:34 > 0:08:37and you realise it is quite the opposite.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I am so, so sorry.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Why don't we go out tonight, make everything all right again?
0:08:44 > 0:08:45- I don't know. - We could do whatever you want.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48We could go to the cinema. Happy Feet 3 is on.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50You know my views on penguins.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Oh, yeah, OK. What about a night of high culture?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56We could go to that place down the road that does foreign cinema.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Has the snack bar got wasabi peas?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Um, probably.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03It's just I saw a documentary about wasabi peas a few years ago
0:09:03 > 0:09:05and I'm intrigued to know if they're really as moreish
0:09:05 > 0:09:06as the narrator made out.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I can get you the peas, Geoff.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Well, maybe.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14It would make a change from a night in writing introspective poetry.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15- You write poetry?- Yeah.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20That magnetic poetry set was the best present I ever got.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Got a very sad fridge at the moment, Kate.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And not just because it only contains one box of potato waffles.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31God, I love double dates. It's like being in an American teen movie.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34No, it's going to be like being taken to an American teen movie
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- by our mothers.- Well, you'll be doing some things you wouldn't
0:09:36 > 0:09:39want your mother to see, mate. Having sex being one of them.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40I haven't even met Valerie yet.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Do you know, a woman, like a turtle, reaches her sexual peak at 40?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Let me to you, there are no cable cars to a sexual peak.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- What does that even mean? - It means you got to scale it.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I don't want to scale anyone's sexual peak.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I'm quite happy at sexual base camp.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I'm OK with life in the slow lane.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Karen's got me in the sexual fast lane.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Well, apart from that incident on the hard shoulder.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I don't want to hear about that.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Oh, she really knows what she's doing, mate.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04She used her other hand to turn on the hazards.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06What a pro. Not in that sense.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07I'm sorry, I can't do this.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09What?! Oh, come on, don't be such a wuss.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12No, I'm not comfortable with it. I miss Gemma.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Mate, "space" means you've been dumped.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18The only phrase more devastating is, "I need thinking time."
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Maybe if I just speak to her...
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Oh, no, don't call her, Josh. No, seriously.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23No, that's the right thing to do.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26It's nothing to do with you. You leave me alone.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Hey, Gemma. Yeah.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Yeah, I know you said not to call, but, um...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Yeah, it's great to hear your voice as well.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Look, the reason I'm calling is I've been thinking,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42and you're right, we are too young to turn into our parents.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I want to try new things. And I want to do them with you.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Speak soon, yeah?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- Does she need thinking time?- Yeah.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Ugh. Come on.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Are you seriously telling me
0:11:07 > 0:11:11that those are Edgar Davids' glaucoma glasses?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Wow. Do you feel more Dutch in them, Josh?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I've already told you, I'm not going to split the food bill.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19No, seriously. Who gets 20 wings?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Well, I am a growing boy.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Ooh, so I see.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I think they suit you.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29I like a man in glasses.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31You like a man in anything.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- Except his clothes! - KAREN LAUGHS
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Well, I've got 20 years to catch up on, haven't I?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39And you look like a short, blond Louis Theroux.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Did you ever see his documentary on hardcore pornography?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46No, I'm not really into, um, Louis Theroux.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Can I just say that you look smoking hot, Karen?
0:11:48 > 0:11:53Although I am looking at you through orange-tinted spectacles.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Why's she laughing at that for a third time?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58That joke doesn't even work.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00So, what did you get up to this weekend?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I just stayed in and watched Take Me Out: The Gossip.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Did you, now?- Yeah.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07So where are you going to take me? And the question is, will I come?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I don't know how to answer that.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12It's an innuendo.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Hardly.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I tell you what, why don't you start by taking me to the bar?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19And I said "to", not "over".
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I know how your mind works.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33GEOFF SNIVELS
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It's quite moving, isn't it, Geoff?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I mean, she was so young, and the tide just took her, didn't it?
0:12:42 > 0:12:43No, it's not that.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47It's these wasabi peas playing havoc with my tear ducts.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Well, you have had five packets, Geoff.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Yeah, thanks for buying those, Kate.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54You are treating me like Emperor Hirohito.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56No worries.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Although, ironically, I do feel like I'm under a nuclear attack.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Probably find my shadow on the seat tomorrow morning.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08SEXUAL NOISES IN FILM
0:13:14 > 0:13:18FILM CHARACTERS SPEAK FRENCH
0:13:18 > 0:13:22SEXUAL NOISES IN FILM
0:13:30 > 0:13:34So, have you ever been with an older woman, Josh?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Well, I spent a lot of time with my gran as a child.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I reckon I could teach you a few things.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43It's always good to learn.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I used to be a big fan of the BBC Early Learning Zone.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I'd watch it when I couldn't get to sleep.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50That might be the case tonight.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Why, are they repeating a special on stalactites?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Have YOU got a stalactite?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57I'm sorry, I don't know.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I can't remember which goes up and which goes down.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Mites go up, so...
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- ..TITES go down? - Oh, you dirty dog.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Oh!- Ding ding.- What?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Ready for round two, Lennox Lewis?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Oh, I think it's a bit early for that kind of thing.
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Oh, by the looks of things, you're not wrong.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- Where's it gone?- It's very chilly, it's a draughty room.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35And if you're wondering where your pants are,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38one leg is on the floor and the other leg is in the corridor.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Yeah, it's all coming back to me now.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44Someone's certainly earned themselves one shagger's breakfast.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Ah, I've got things to be getting on with, so I should go.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- It's your house. - Yeah, of course it is.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I tell you what, why don't I make us a fry-up,
0:14:52 > 0:14:56seeing as you've given me your bed, and a bit more?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00A couple of fried eggs.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01No, thank you.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Cos you know I'm always up for sausage, don't you?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- OK.- Maybe we could even experiment with hash brown.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Oh, no thanks, very much not my scene.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12We'll see.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21You do realise those were all innuendos, right?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Yeah, I got that.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Here he is, the thinking man's Darren Day.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Yes, I know.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Heard about some of the things you got up to, mate.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Valerie called Karen as soon as she left.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Do you want me to talk to Geoff
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- about fixing the draught in your room?- God, it was intense.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Felt like when I was moved up a year in maths,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I didn't have enough buttons on my calculator.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48I never had you down as such a goer.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I'm on the rebound, I had a one-night stand, we've all done it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54What do you mean, one-night stand? We're all going out again tonight.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- No, we are not. - Yes, we are, I've promised Karen -
0:15:56 > 0:15:58she'll kill me if you let her down.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Let me talk to her, she can ask Valerie to go easy on you.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Go easy on me? She's not the Harlem Globetrotters.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05They're both on the veterans' circuit, mate.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06No, I'm not cut out for this.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09If I'm honest with you, it just made me miss Gemma more.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10Hmm.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Would it change your mind if I offered to split the booty?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I do not want to be custard cousins.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17No, I'm talking about giving you some of the things Karen gives me.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Some of the really good stuff.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I'm not interested in Audley Harrison's...
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Oh, my God, is that what I think it is?
0:16:23 > 0:16:27One England shirt, match-worn, by Teddy Sheringham at Euro '96.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- You are kidding me.- No lie.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33Euro '96, I mean, he was three years away from his treble-winning pomp.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Great memories, but where were Wales?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37I can already feel the extra yard in my head.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Go on, then, have a swing.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42You know what that is? Setting up the third goal against Holland.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Danny Blind woefully out of position.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Do you want to keep it?- Yes.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Then be ready for seven, Teddy.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53DOORBELL RINGS
0:17:00 > 0:17:02- Geoff.- Morning, Kate.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- These are for you. - Oh, thank you.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- You seem in a very good mood.- I am.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Because of yesterday, and I wanted to say thank you.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I can't remember the last time I had someone listen to me like that.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Oh, that's good to hear.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Actually, I tell a lie, I can. It was the 15th of October, 1987.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- OK.- The night of the great storm.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25One handsome balloon seller, Geoff Jefferies,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28had just lost his entire stock in five brutal seconds.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32I stood crying, watching 16 Roland Rats gathering pace
0:17:32 > 0:17:36above the pier when a soft gentle female hand cupped mine
0:17:36 > 0:17:38and took me to the pub.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40And she sat me by the fire and we drank all night,
0:17:40 > 0:17:44before she kissed me goodbye and ventured out into the storm.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Aw. That's beautiful.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Unfortunately, it was at that point I realised she'd nicked my wallet.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- Oh.- And my helium pump.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Oh. Well, suppose you didn't need it any more.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Oh, I still enjoy a funny voice as much as the next person.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Anyway, I'm rambling. I'll cut to the chase.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Kate, spending time with you yesterday, it was very nice.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10And the scales fell from my eyes
0:18:10 > 0:18:14and it got me thinking that a life shared is a life lived.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17And I... I need to make this happen.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Right.- Can I read you something?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Er....
0:18:22 > 0:18:23if you want to.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34In love with a special woman, beautiful and kind
0:18:34 > 0:18:39Her words of wisdom soothed me, and what a nice behind
0:18:39 > 0:18:44One night was all I had with that pure and perfect dove
0:18:44 > 0:18:48I wish to take her by the hand, for she's my one true piano.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51That should obviously be "love,"
0:18:51 > 0:18:54but I used that fridge magnet in the first verse.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56The point is, there's this person...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- I see. - And I want to tell her how I feel.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01No! No, no, no.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Don't do that.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05In my experience, it's best to just bottle these things up.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07I've bottled up too much, Kate.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08I'm like an Oddbins in here.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Geoff, you know what? I've got things to get on with.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13So, my advice is, go home, bury your feelings, and enjoy your life.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Didn't you like the poem? It was the piano, wasn't it?
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- I could change that.- Geoff, a life without love is a life without pain.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Ow!
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Sorry.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- LAUGHING:- I can't believe you went on a date with Geoff!
0:19:26 > 0:19:27It was not a date, I just took him out
0:19:27 > 0:19:29to apologise for my offensive e-mail.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Although, here's my problem - after one evening in my company,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- he has inevitably fallen in love with me.- Ah, congratulations.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Your first ever successful date.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I mean, who can blame a man like him falling for a girl like me?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42It's the ultimate Beauty And The Beast story.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Yeah, I don't think Disney are going to turn this one into a cartoon,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- Kate. - Oh, come on, they'll take anything.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49We've all seen Chicken Little.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Oh, come on, let it go, that movie was fine.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Do you know who was in the cinema when I saw Chicken Little?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Ralf Little. And then, three seats away from me,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I saw the ex-Aston Villa manager, Brian Little.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00I thought, "I wonder if the Odeon
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"are doing some sort of deal or something."
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Owen, I don't care. My issue is Geoff.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06He's had a taste of the sweet, sweet honey.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09If I tell him I'm cutting it off now, it's going to destroy him.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You do realise that nobody's that into honey?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Well, they should be. It's an excellent sugar substitute,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16and it's packed with antioxidants. That's what makes it so sticky.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17That's not true, is it?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Listen, the way I see it, you've got one option.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22You've already crushed his tiny heart via e-mail once.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You need to do it again, but this time, face-to-face.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Oh, no, I can't. I can't face the guilt.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Oh, here's an idea.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31You come on too strong and you scare him off.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33It's worked with literally every other man you've met.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34OWEN LAUGHS
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Here we go.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43An original 1977 Kevin Keegan's Brut.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Karen says this stuff's like catnip.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Though it was tested on animals,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49so probably best not to think too hard about that.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Whoa, smell that!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Those rabbits must have been irresistible.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Oh, that is awful.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Oh, God. Give it a rest, Adolf Hitler.- What?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59I'm trying to think of a famous vegetarian.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01That wasn't his defining characteristic.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I hope you're going to be cheerier than this on the date.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Look, just to be clear,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I'm coming for two drinks, and then I'm out of there.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I can't face having another one of Valerie's breakfasts.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13A lot of guys would kill to be in your position.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Not this guy. This guy doesn't want to find out
0:21:15 > 0:21:17what she means by "black pudding". DOORBELL RINGS
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Is Kate here? - I think she's in her room.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23She'll be delighted to see you,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- she's been talking about you nonstop, Geoff.- I must speak to her.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29PHONE VIBRATES Oh, my God, it's Gemma.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Hello?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Yeah, yeah, I've been fine, yeah.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Ask her if she knows what black pudding is.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Sorry about that. Yeah, no, you're correct,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40although I think it's mainly oatmeal.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Haggis? No, I've not tried it.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Yeah, yeah, cos I'm vegetarian.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Oh, Morrissey's on the phone.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49What, right now? Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53All right, see you then. Brilliant!
0:21:53 > 0:21:54Who was that? Linda McCartney?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Better reference.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Gemma wants to come round and talk.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel tonight.- Oh, what?
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Can you just tell Valerie that I've got to attend an important function?
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Come on, mate, you're not Ban Ki-moon.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Listen, if you're going to dump Valerie,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09just be a man - say it like it is.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11No, you're right. I'll tell her I need some space.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Ugh.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Kate, the time has come for me to uncork my feelings.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18No, keep the cork in, let the wine mature.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20It's too late, the corkscrew's out.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23I'm twisting the bottle. Its little arms are in the air.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25No, you need to keep everything bottled up.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Imagine your feelings like a little ship inside a bottle.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I can't, I... How do they make those?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I know, it's amazing, isn't it?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I suppose if the masts bend or something.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35Yeah, I imagine the rigging's on a hinge.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Yeah, that would do it, rigging on a hinge, yeah.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40You're distracting me. Kate, I'm in love.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- I don't see you in that way. - What?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Look, I was just being extra nice because I felt bad about the e-mail.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50And I flashed you this beguiling smile and looked at you
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- with these huge eyes and... - What e-mail?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58My reply to your e-mail about the energy-saving light bulbs.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Sorry, I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I have all e-mails from tenants automatically forwarded to junk.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05No, but you said you were sad about a message.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Yes, I'd been dumped.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- What, by who?- By the most wonderful woman in the world.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12We met on the number 29.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Both reached for the same pole, next stop, love.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17If you discount all the stops on the way to Wood Green.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Well, what happened next?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21She dumped me.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23And then, for some reason, you took me to a French porn film.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29No, it's the real deal,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31apparently he wore it in Euro '96 against Holland.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Set up the third goal, Danny Blind woefully out of position.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Oh, God, you're great. you know so many facts.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Can't believe you won this in a raffle.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I know! It's hard to believe, isn't it?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Here's a fact. Did you know Teddy Sheringham was the Premier League's
0:23:45 > 0:23:47oldest ever outfield player?
0:23:47 > 0:23:4940 years, 272 days.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Oh, my God, it is so good to see you.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I'm sorry about what happened. I just needed some space.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01And time to think?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Yeah, time to think. - That's what I thought.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09DOORBELL RINGS KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Oh, ignore that, it's probably just Jehovah's Witnesses.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13DOORBELL RINGS KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Very keen to spread the word.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- VALERIE:- Come on, Josh, I know you're in there.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- They know your name?- Oh, they've probably just got a database.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22DOORBELL RINGS KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Josh, I think you should...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26OK, fine, I'll go and sort it.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30KNOCKING CONTINUES
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Oh, look, there he is, my date for the evening.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Ah, Valerie, did you get my text?
0:24:34 > 0:24:35I don't like being stood up, Josh.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I think there's been a misunderstanding.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Oh, I understand perfectly.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40No, Valerie, no. No, Valerie!
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- And who are you? - Hi, I'm Gemma, Josh's girlfriend.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Bloody hell, you move fast.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I was only making you breakfast 12 hours ago.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Breakfast? Josh, who is this?
0:24:50 > 0:24:55Oh, she works at the local cafe, and I think she's having a breakdown.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Works in the local cafe?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Is that an innuendo?
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Actually, I can tell you it's not,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01cos I wrote the bloody book on them.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Did he happen to mention that last night we had the full English,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06and by that I mean sex?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Josh, what the hell is going on?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11No, you have to remember you said you needed some space,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13and that is shorthand for dumping someone.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15You told ME you needed some space!
0:25:15 > 0:25:16You little shit.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Is this what you meant by trying something new?
0:25:18 > 0:25:21No, I was just very confused, and people kept telling me
0:25:21 > 0:25:25to get back on the horse. And that is not an innuendo, Valerie.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- It is.- I can't believe you've cheated on me.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Look, I tried to explain...
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Oh, hey guys, just in time to catch a two-timer red-handed.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Gemma. Valerie.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Oh, dear.- Er, excuse me, Owen,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39what is SHE doing wearing the Teddy Sheringham shirt I gave you?
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You've been selling on my merch?
0:25:41 > 0:25:42No, this is Josh's.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44You gave it to Josh? Why?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Because I wanted him to go out with Valerie.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51You were paid to sleep with me?
0:25:51 > 0:25:52No, he gave it to me afterwards.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I don't care if the money was paid up front or in lieu.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59You're making me wear the trophy you were paid for sex with?
0:25:59 > 0:26:00What kind of a pervert are you?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Quite a pedestrian one, actually.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04What the hell is going on in here?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Oh, another member of your harem.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Valerie!
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- Geoff?- What are you doing here? Have you come to win me back?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Kate, this is Valerie, the woman I was telling you about.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14I tell you what, Josh.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Here's a man who didn't say no to a bit of hash brown.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- I love a good breakfast, me. - And the rest.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Oh, it's good to see, Valerie. I've missed you.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Course you have, Geoff.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Come on, you can take me for coffee.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Do you actually mean coffee this time?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31No, of course I don't. You like black pudding, don't you?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, my God.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39You and Geoff are custard cousins!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44# Valerie
0:26:44 > 0:26:45# Call on me
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# Call on me... #
0:26:47 > 0:26:50LOUD CHEWING
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Mmm.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Hash brown?- Oh, God.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Suit yourself.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08# Love songs fill the night
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# But they don't tell it all
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# Not how lovers cry out
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# Just like they're dying
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# Her cries hang there
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# In time, somewhere... #