0:00:11 > 0:00:13Mate, it is the tightest thing I've ever seen in my life.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15No, we're going for a curry and to the pub,
0:00:15 > 0:00:16and I'm already in my overdraft.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- It's common sense. - Oh, come on!
0:00:18 > 0:00:22Nobody saves money by microwaving their own poppadoms at home.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24I bloody love this place, though.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27The only good thing Geoff has ever done is recommend it to us.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Do you know, it is Emma Bunton's local Indian?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32- No way! Have you seen her in there? - Ha! And the rest, mate.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- We had a meal together there once. - Yeah, course you did, mate(!)
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Me and Emma Bunton had more in common than you'd think, actually.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Cast-iron stomachs being one of those things.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Just became a night of one-upmanship in the end, you know,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45a race to the top of the Scoville scale.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47She won, though. Got to hand it to her.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50She ate a rogan josh that was 100% chillies.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52How is that still a rogan josh?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Do you know what Spice Up Your Life is really about?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- What? - The versatility of tamarind.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- No, it isn't! - And if you play it backwards,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02there's some very derogatory things about peshwari naan.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Good to see business is booming(!)
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Well, I guess most people are still at home microwaving their poppadoms.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Hello.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- Hey. - Oh, hello, mate.- Hi.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Er, we reserved a table under Owen James.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Booked it about a week ago.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Er, James is J-A-M-E-S. Owen is, er...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32We don't have you. Sorry.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Hey, are you a comedian?
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Oh, yeah, yeah. I am, yeah.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38It's just, I saw you at the Chuckle Lounge last week and it wasn't obvious.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- OWEN LAUGHS - Oh!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Your performance had more dips than a poppadom tray.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Yes, good one.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46That's a good review. You should try doing stand-up yourself.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48- Well, if he can.- Look, have you got a table or not?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Yeah, sure. Er, just sit anywhere.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Oh, OK. Mm...
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Too romantic, too draughty, too near the window.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Now, when it comes to toilet proximity, I don't really mind it, actually.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Look, shall we just go there? - Oh, yeah, fine, OK.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Thank you. - Thank you very much.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Large Cobra, 660 mils - that's more than a pint.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Do you want to share a...?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15I'm not sharing a Cobra.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Can we order some drinks, please?
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- Yeah, can we get some drinks?- Extra chutney, as requested. Enjoy.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- Thank you very much, mate. - See you later.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Oh, well, that's the most amazingly racist thing I've ever seen.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30No, I wasn't being racist. It was just where he stood.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31It was nothing to do with race.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Oh, yeah, so if he'd been white,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- would you have still ordered drinks?- Yes.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Yes, right, OK.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Oh! Go on, then.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Oh, there you go. Point proven.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Do you not recognise who that is? That's Danny and Natalie from university.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- They're the most annoying couple in the world.- Oh, yeah, so it is.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Please don't see us.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Come on! Looks like I've gone for a curry with Dumbo.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I can't believe they've been together since uni. That is amazing.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I mean, did she not hear about him constantly shagging around?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01It was the talk of halls.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Well, that and the time you got caught naked in the laundry room.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05That wasn't true.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07People said you tumble-dried your penis,
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- you know, that's why it's so small.- It doesn't even make sense.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11If I got in the tumble dryer, all of me would've shrunk.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Well, that was the other rumour.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Anyway, he wasn't cheating on her. She was in on it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- They're in an open relationship. - No?!- Yes.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20That's not a thing in real life, is it?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Course it is, you Victorian square!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26News flash do you realise people kiss with tongues nowadays? And they love it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27No, they were both at it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Do you not notice how she spent all her spare time with Ben Green?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Er, they were badminton doubles partners.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Oh, wake up, Queen Victoria! That means that they were shagging.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39No normal people are actually badminton doubles partners.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Me and Kate were badminton doubles partners.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Yeah, well, my point stands.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45No, I'm sorry, I don't buy it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50Although, do you reckon that's why she was always so weirdly touchy-feely with me?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- What, you?! - HE LAUGHS
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Good one, mate. She's in an open relationship, not on heat.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58No, she's just one of those people who's weirdly tactile, you know.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Yeah, tell me about it. She was always squeezing my cheeks.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I'm jowly, and she took full advantage.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- Jowly Josh. - Isn't that an Indian meal?
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Oh, mate, you need to leave it with the racism.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Do you know what? We should join tables, catch up on old times.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, I don't want to spend
0:04:14 > 0:04:16my evening putting my car keys in a bowl.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18They're not swingers, and you haven't got a car, anyway.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I'm going to go for a piss, yeah? Mine's a small Cobra.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Yeah, I know what it is - you tumble-dried it, mate.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Where are you?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I'm two minutes away. Can you order me a beer?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34No, not at this exact moment, no.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36TOILET FLUSHES
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Why the hell would you answer the phone? That is disgusting.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- What? - I might hear things.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- What things?- 'Grunting.'
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- ';I'm not Monica Seles.' - Plopping.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Plopping? Did you actually just say "plopping"?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I mean, how dehydrated do you think I am?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Oh, you're disgusting. What if I'd been FaceTiming you?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Kate, the only people that FaceTime
0:04:55 > 0:04:59are long-distance lovers and mums who've pressed the wrong button.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- They're big crisps. - Yeah.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06- Poppadoms- Yeah...
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Hello, mate. Over here!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Oh, bollocks.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I can't believe we didn't see you come in.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I know! Nearly missed out on an evening with little Joshie.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Yeah! - Oh, look at that little face!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23How I've missed it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25It's hard to miss it. Look at the size of it!
0:05:25 > 0:05:26I know. He is malleable.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Look at that - it's like a Tempur mattress.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Well, thank God Owen came over and said hi.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Yeah, thank God.- I can't believe we've not seen you guys since uni.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- No, amazing.- I mean, you boys were hilarious.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Oh, so funny.- What did you used to call them? Ant & Dec?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40- No, Dick and Dom. - In the bungalow!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44So, what have, er, university's favourite power couple
0:05:44 > 0:05:45been up to since we saw you last?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Well, she's moved the D-bomb into her house.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Yeah, it gets her parents off her back a bit about settling down.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- He loves it really. - Oh, I do, I do.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I get to talk to this one around the house all day long,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and in the evening, I get to call her on Babestation.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01He's joking. He can't afford the premium numbers.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I thought I recognised you, Natalie, or certain parts of you, anyway.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- You dirty bastard, Owen! - Oh, I'm joking.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Oh, join in, Joshie!
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Yeah, come on. Join in, Josh.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Right, I'm going to go for a fag, cleanse the palate. Nat, coming?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- Er, Josh, do us a favour. When the, er... When the waiter comes over, can you order for us?- OK.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- The usual?- Yeah, sounds good. - Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Two pilau rice, two naan. - One garlic, one peshwari.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22- OK.- Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- Two saag aloo?- Yes, please.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Thanks, babe.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29That is an absurd over-order -
0:06:29 > 0:06:33two mains, two rices, two naans, five separate potato dishes.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Oh, he's always been flash.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I am not splitting the bill. I am not paying for his spud binge.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Maybe he should've boiled his own potatoes at home.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Also, who orders a rice and a naan each?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Just share like normal people.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Well, you'd think with their lifestyle, they'd be up for sharing.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I can't believe you pushed the tables together.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Well, it's not my fault, mate. We just caught eyes.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54You went over to them.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Yes, and that is when we caught eyes.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Anyway, I dunno why you're complaining.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I was wrong. Natalie definitely fancies you all that hair ruffling.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- It's like she's prepping you for Crufts.- Oh, come on!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Seriously, mate. I can't believe it either, but you are in there.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I don't want to be. Her boyfriend's sat right there.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11- All right, Sir Robert Peel. - What?
0:07:11 > 0:07:15I'm just reiterating that you're a massive Victorian prude. Just accept it.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17That is how they live their life. They live their lives to the max.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I wouldn't be surprised if they've gone outside just to have it off.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Don't be ridiculous.- Yeah, well, that was Danny's tactic, wasn't it?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Get somebody outside, you know, one-on-one,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27you know they're up for something more than a cigarette,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29cos the cigarette represents a penis,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31and then the mouth obviously represents the...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- You know what the mouth... - Yeah, I get it, yeah.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Do you want to know what smoke rings represent?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- No, I'm OK. - I'm so sorry I'm late.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39I couldn't find my wallet anywhere.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- Are you all right to shout me this?- Yes.- No.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43You're not going to believe who I saw outside.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Danny and Natalie.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Yes! God, it was awkward.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Why was it awkward? They're an absolute hoot.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Oh, surely I've told you this?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Basically, I bumped into Danny on a night out last year,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56and cut a long story short, we slept together.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Ah, inevitable. - You slept with Danny?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, chill out, Benjamin Disraeli.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Yeah, there was nothing dodgy about it.- He wears an Alice band.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Yeah, he takes it off.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08We were just in the same nightclub and we were just, you know,
0:08:08 > 0:08:10flirting a little bit, and I was... I was teaching him this trick,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12which is basically like a high five,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15but you watch the elbows as you walk past and you come down, do low five.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Bam-bam.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Bam-bam. You know the one?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- Yeah, yeah, the turbo five. - Yeah. Basically, like,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24after the low five, he held on to my hand and we went home and had sex.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27It's a tale as old as time.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Yeah. I mean, it was fine.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31He was very clear they were in an open relationship.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Oh, you see? He has carte blanche. - Oh!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35He did not have carte blanche.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I was very clear in the club about what I would and wouldn't do.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Bloody hell, you guys are already up and running, aren't you?!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Oh, God.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh, no. Please tell me you're not sitting with them?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It wasn't my fault. We just...caught eyes.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Ohh...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I know what I like. I haven't used a menu for ten years.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- No way!- Believe it, brother.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01I like everything on here,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04but then with my steel stomach, I've got carte blanche.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07What about you, Kate? Are you up for everything? Same for you, Danny?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- You got...? You got carte blanche?- I love India.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I think visiting really had a profound effect on me.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Well, you lost half a stone.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Look, the thing about India is, she - and she is a she -
0:09:18 > 0:09:21really spoke to me, and it's a conversation I'm still having.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Endlessly.- What did you think about the food?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Oh, I mean, I loved the food, but I can handle my spice.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Whoa, what are you on about?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You break into a sweat when you have a Peperami.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Hey, Nat, get this - Kate's been to India as well.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Oh, the experiences you two have got in common, eh?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- So, did you enjoy India, Natalie?- Oh, loved it.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Absolutely loved it.- What did you think of India, Danny?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45He didn't go. I, er, travelled solo.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47But it's great, cos you just get there and you meet people and you buddy up.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I'd be really good in India, I think.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- No, you wouldn't.- Well...
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Yes, I would. You know, steel stomach.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Interesting fact for you, though.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59The only Indian food I cannot cope with - mango chutney.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Oh! Too sweet?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Absolutely not. No, no. I had an awful experience.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04I was having a late-night biryani,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07and who should walk in - three fifths of Spandau Ballet.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- DANNY:- Top boys, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11But cut to ten minutes later,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Martin Kemp throwing up a whole ramekin of the stuff.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- No.- Awful. Awful, yeah. I mean, in fairness to him, he'd had
0:10:16 > 0:10:18a bad poppadom, it's happened to all of us, but still.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Bless him. Bless him. - Horrendous scenes.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- That didn't happen.- Yes, it did, mate, cos believe it or not,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25some people have their poppadoms in the restaurant.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Ready to order?- Yes. - Yep, yep. So, er...
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo... - Two pilau rice, two naan.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32One garlic, one peshwari.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo. - And two saag aloo.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37So, set menu D?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Sir?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Er, could I get the vegetable korma?
0:10:43 > 0:10:44DAN SNIGGERS
0:10:44 > 0:10:47And is anyone up for sharing a naan?
0:10:51 > 0:10:56No? I'm happy to go peshwari, garlic or plain?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00OK, would anyone like to share a rice?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Happy to go mushroom, pilau or boiled.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11No takers?
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Do you do a half rice? - No.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- It says here you do a children's rice. Could I get the...?- No.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Oh, actually, Josh, you can come in on my rice, if you want.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I'll get a whole rice for myself.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26And, um, if I can't finish it, can I get a doggy bag?
0:11:28 > 0:11:29And you, sir?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Er, could I have plain naan, plain rice, and chicken vindaloo, please?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Can you make it extra spicy? I want to feel the burn.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Ohh! Sorry about my Western Philistine friend.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Um, for me, er, what curry are you making for the staff today?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Think I'll have that.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Staff curry's always the best curry. It's made in the true Indian way.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51The other stuff on the menu's just softened for the Western palate.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53You know, stuff like chicken vindaloo.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Can I change my order to what she's having, please?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01But can you really, really not hold back? Um, sort of make it hotter than hers.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Brave man. You'll be dying on your arse tomorrow.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Much like your friend when he goes on stage.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10ALL LAUGH Yes, I get it.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12If only the audience had.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Oh, yes!- Yes, good one.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15So, is that all?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Actually, I'll get mine with a side of mango chutney,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19which any Indian food connoisseur loves.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Coming right up.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- PHONE RINGS - Oh.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Yep. Got to get this one. It's my tailor.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Having some condoms loosened.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29ALL LAUGH
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I'll leave you guys to mull over how big it is, but just to give you
0:12:32 > 0:12:34a clue, when I go camping, needs its own sleeping bag.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36ALL LAUGH
0:12:36 > 0:12:37She knows.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39He's joking.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40We never go camping!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42ALL LAUGH
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Anyway, it's not about size, is it, Josh? It's what you do with it that counts.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46LAUGHS I dunno.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Got any views on, er, what size Danny's condoms are, Kate?
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Er, I'm just going to nip to the loo, actually, before the food arrives.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Yes, me, too, actually.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Oh, cheer up. I was only joking.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06You know that no-one really believed the rumour about the tumble dryer?
0:13:06 > 0:13:07- That's a relief.- And, er,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10what does your girlfriend think of the tumble dryer story?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11I don't have a girlfriend.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Oh! Little Joshie!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Well, look, remember, romance could be just around the corner.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- That's nice. - Could be anyone.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Could be somebody here tonight, even. Boop-boop.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I dunno why people even go to India.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I mean, if it's a tan you're after, I got this from Boots for 30 quid.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Plus, got one of their chicken tikka sandwiches,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38so I was practically there anyway!
0:13:38 > 0:13:42So, what brings you guys here? You haven't moved to the area, have you?
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Well, we actually came to this restaurant ten years ago, on our first date.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- No way! Is this your 10th anniversary?- BOTH: Yeah.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Oh, well, how about a bottle of champagne? It's on us, isn't it, guys?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Or...better idea. Prosecco.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I saw a blind taste test on This Morning
0:13:57 > 0:13:59and Holly Willoughby actually preferred the prosecco.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Yeah, it's fascinating.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05One bottle of champagne, please, waiter!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Actually, because it's your special day, we shouldn't impinge.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- No, we'll leave you to it.- Yeah, of course. My God, so rude.- No!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13No, no, no, no. The more the merrier that's our attitude.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Yeah! After ten years together, we tend to get bored of each other!
0:14:18 > 0:14:22- Oi-oi! - Don't worry, I've got this.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- Does anybody have a samurai sword?- No, Owen.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26OK, I'll go traditional, then.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oh, you're kidding.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31No, no. I, er, sliced open a whole magnum in '08.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Flew over to Tokyo to play the new Mario Kart a day ahead of release.
0:14:35 > 0:14:36No, I mean, look who it is.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Hello. I'm here to pick up an Indian takeaway for one
0:14:39 > 0:14:41under the name of Geoff Jeffries.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Oh, God, keep your heads down.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43- Who's that?- Shh!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46CORK POPS CHEERING
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- All right! - Hello, guys.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Hello, Geoff.- Don't open the champagne on my accord.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Do you fancy a glass?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Well, I was looking forward to a Saturday night of chicken dhansak
0:14:57 > 0:15:00and Michael Portillo's Great British Railway Journeys,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03but I suppose the East Coast Mainline can wait.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Where shall I sit?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I mean, he must travel off-peak, or book in advance,
0:15:16 > 0:15:20otherwise his rail fare would be astronomical.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Thinking about it, he must book off-peak,
0:15:24 > 0:15:28because he always manages to get a seat to himself.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30I've never seen him sat in the vestibule.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Sorry, who is Michael Portillo?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Ha!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37You know, he explores Britain on a train. He's married to Diane Abbott.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40He wears bright trousers and he's got a squidgy face.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Well, he's not the only one with a squidgy face!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Marshmallow man! Room for another one there, Josh?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- No, absolutely not. No.- Oh, go on, mate. It's our anniversary. Come on.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Ah... It's your anniversary? That's lovely.- Yeah, ten years today.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- Congratulations. I once spent an anniversary here.- Oh, really?
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- Yeah. Painful memories.- Oh. Are you not with her any more?
0:16:00 > 0:16:04I wasn't with her on the night. She didn't turn up.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05- I dined alone... - HE SIGHS
0:16:05 > 0:16:08...with just my memories for company.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Oh, well, sorry to hear that, mate.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I ordered a dish for every month we'd been together.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Chicken dhansak, naan bread...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21You were only together two months?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Yeah, it was lucky, really. I wasn't that hungry.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27- That's everything.- Thank you.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Right, let's dig in, shall we?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- I think we may have over-ordered again, Nat.- Do you think?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- No, feel free to just tuck in, guys. - Yeah, please.- We've got loads of food here.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37OK. Thank you.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39I haven't been this excited about the potency of chilli
0:16:39 > 0:16:42since I had Ivan Zamorano at France '98.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Oh, want some mango chutney, Owen? - Oh, get away from me.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46- Oooh!- No, seriously, Kate! I told you about Martin Kemp!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Oh! Can't handle his chutney doesn't bode well.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Good luck with the chef's special, mate. That should be interesting.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54All right, bring it on.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Oh. Knife and fork - so Western.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00You know, in India they actually eat with their hands? Nature's fork.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Ow.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I am pretty sure they use a bread for that, though, Kate.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05I made that mistake in India
0:17:05 > 0:17:09when I was down there exploring the buy-to-let market in Mumbai.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I, er, ended up burning my palms.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I mistakenly dipped straight into a saucepan of tarka dhal.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16I couldn't high five for a week.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Tell you who's got a good high five trick, is Kate.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Er, has she shown it to you, Danny?- Mm?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Owen! Stop with your delaying tactics.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- Too scared to try your curry? - No.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Mm.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Mm! Oh!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Oh, that is lovely.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Yeah, that's really nice.- Mm.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Are you all right there, Kate? - Mm. Yes, that is...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40That... That is lovely.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I'm just going to have a little bit of mango chutney with it,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45to bring out the spices, cos I'm loving it so much.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Actually, I'm just going to have a whole spoonful, just to really...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51You OK there, Kate? You're really working up a sweat.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53It's not the first time that's been said!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Yeah... No, I'm fine.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Give it up, Kate. This is pathetic.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Yeah, seriously, Kate, I think you just dripped in your curry.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Everything OK with your meal, guys? - Yes, absolutely lovely, thanks.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Yeah, this is lovely.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20But can I get...? Can I get a pint of mulk?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- What, sorry?- Pint of mulk.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- I think she's trying to say milk.- A glass of milk?
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Pint.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Oh, dear.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32No, actually, cos it's traditional, cos cows are sacred.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Right.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37So, Geoff, how do you know the good, the bad and the ugly, then?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38I'm their landlord.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Oh, of course. So you're responsible for all the mod cons?
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Do they have a tumble dryer?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I'm constantly round there fixing it.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Well, that can happen if you don't use it properly, Josh.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I had to take it apart to remove his inhaler from it the other day.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Oh, is that what you call it?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Well, I call mine my puffer. Well...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Geoff, just leave it, OK?
0:18:59 > 0:19:01One pint of milk.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Can I get another glass of milk, please?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Oh. A palate as weak as your act.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Oh, Kate!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24That is embarrassing.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26No, it's not embarrassing, actually,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29because, actually, when I was exploring in...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Oh, give it a rest, Ravi Shankar! You were never exploring India.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35You went on a two-week holiday with your parents when you were 15.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39You had to leave after 48 hours cos a chapati gave you the squits.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- That is not true! - Yes, it is.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42It was a pakora.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Hey, I'll tell you who can, er, cope with his hot curry. Rick Wakeman.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Right, I've had enough of your celebrity curry night shit.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49No-one believes you.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Oh!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Hashtag awks.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Yeah, I'm sorry about that, guys. Sorry.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Hey, it's all right. Everybody gets stressed.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05Do you know what? Why don't you come outside for a cigarette with me?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06It might calm you down.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08No, it's...it's not really my thing, sorry.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11All right, well, you know where we are if you fancy it. Danny?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Yeah, yeah.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Ooh.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19See?
0:20:19 > 0:20:22You are seriously in there, mate. I told you.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24And it's your fault.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I just came out for a reasonably priced curry with friends,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29and I have to spend my evening fending off Natalie the man-eater.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Josh,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34but I think you'll find Danny and Natalie are in a relationship.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36In an open relationship, Geoff.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Yeah, well, it's important to be open.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40No, they sleep with other people.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- In a dorm? - Why would they sleep in a dorm?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Saving money for a deposit?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50If you're in a healthy, open relationship, that is the obvious next step.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52No, Geoff, they have sex with other people.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Well, you just...you just said they were in a relationship.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56No, that's what an open relationship is.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Danny had sex with Kate last year.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Yeah, and Josh is going to have sex with Natalie tonight.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02No, I am not. Although there's nothing she'd like more.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05So you and Kate are in open relationship?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06BOTH: No!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Oh.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Danny and Natalie are very tanned, aren't they?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- They're fake tans, Geoff. - Sorry?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22It's sprayed on.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Well, I thought you weren't supposed to do that any more,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I thought it was meant to be offensive.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I learnt that the hard way at a fancy dress party.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I went as 200-metre runner John Regis.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34No, not like that, Geoff.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Bit of a gamble coming in here, of all places, like that.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Shh, here they come.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45So, er, Michael Portillo had to get a rail replacement bus service.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48No, I'm... I don't remember that episode.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Have a naan bread, Natalie.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- Oh, no, I'm already, thanks, babe.- No, go on.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- No, I said I'm fine.- Please.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58No.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Peshwari.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01All right.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Oh...
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Now, ten years ago to this very day,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I met the most wonderful woman in the world.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- The Queen?- Geoff!
0:22:14 > 0:22:18I was hoping to do this as a one-on-one, but it is with unexpected joy
0:22:18 > 0:22:21that I get to share this moment with friends.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Natalie...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- Of course I will! - Yes!
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Wow. Well, this calls for more champagne, I think.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Or we could just get prosecco?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39This is lovely! To Danny and Natalie.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Cheers! - To Danny and Natalie.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Woo-woo-woo!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I must say, I can't imagine being in an open relationship myself,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48but each to their own.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Sorry, why do you think we're in an open relationship?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54Oh, no, Josh told me.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Sorry, Josh, why do you think that?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Well, you are, aren't you?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Er, no. Course we're not!
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- But that's what Owen told me... - Hey, don't drag me into this, mate!
0:23:06 > 0:23:07So, you're not going to sleep with Natalie?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Sorry, mate. You thought you were in there with my fiancee?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13No, this is just a misunderstanding.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14Why would you say that?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Because you're so...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18touchy-feely.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I am just a very tactile person.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I can't believe you think I'm the sort of girl who'd sleep around.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26All right, well, what about earlier when you said
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I might find romance with someone here tonight?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Clearly, I was talking about Kate.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Open your eyes!
0:23:32 > 0:23:35She's the only person from uni as famously single as you are.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38What, so you and Kate are together?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39BOTH: No!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Right, let me get this straight.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44You were in an open relationship last year, Danny?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- What?! - I mean, Kate slept with you.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I'm just trying to catch up.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53HE CHUCKLES
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- What did he say? - Don't listen to him.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Yeah, well, why would he say that? - Well, I don't know. He's probably...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Josh probably lied to him when he was bragging about
0:24:02 > 0:24:04how much you fancied him. I dunno what his problem is.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Don't you get all judgey with me, mate.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I'm not the one who's been shagging around since university.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I just can't believe Kate fell for your story about being in an open relationship.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Kate?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Did you sleep with Danny?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Um...
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Well...
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Mm... No...
0:24:26 > 0:24:30No, you see the thing is, he said you were in an open relationship.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Come on, babe.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Nat! Nat!
0:24:40 > 0:24:41KATE GASPS
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Oh! Oh, God!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Oh, God, it's spicy.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Well, maybe some milk will help.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Natalie!
0:25:01 > 0:25:02CRUNCHING
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Well, that was a short engagement.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I'd give it a couple of days before you make your move, Josh.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13She'll need time to heal.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Anyway...
0:25:18 > 0:25:19..best be off.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I have a date with Michael Portillo.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Not literally, obviously. We're not in an open relationsh...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Just watch the milk. It's a bit slippery.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Well, you do bring these things upon yourself, Kate.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- Piss off, Owen. - Whoa!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48OWEN COUGHS AND GAGS
0:25:48 > 0:25:51No, no, no, no, no. No, Owen, don't! No!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Oh, what did I say?!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Oh, God! Owen!
0:25:58 > 0:26:02Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo, two saag aloo...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04We didn't order these. Those two weren't with us.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06So, why were you sitting with them?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Poppadoms - I had mine at home. - Nobody does that.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11And what's this charge meal upgrade?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13The old guy, he paid to take away, then ate in.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16This is unbelievable. Two bottles of champagne!
0:26:16 > 0:26:19If you ask me, you should've ordered prosecco. Tastes just as good.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Are you familiar with Holly Willoughby? She done a blind taste test...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Yes. Look, we are going to need to split the bill.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26Can you go and get Owen?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29No, I checked on him a minute ago. He's still chucking his guts up.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Right, well, we're splitting it two ways.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Oh, sorry, like I said, I've lost my wallet.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37You're going to use this in one of your skits, aren't you?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39No.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You should. Can't hurt.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47MUSIC: Spice Up Your Life by the Spice Girls
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Oh, I feel so much better for being sick. Are you two still up for the pub?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- Absolutely not.- No. - Oh, all right, then. Suit yourself.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- Emma!- Owen!
0:26:55 > 0:26:56- Hello.- How are you?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- I'm all right. How are you? - Yeah, good. Nice to see you.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- See?- Do you fancy joining me for a hot one?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Definitely, cos, er, I've just made a bit of room, actually.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Great.- Shall we? - Yeah. Hi.- Hi.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- # Colours of the world - Spice up your life
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- # Every boy and every girl - Spice up your life
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- # People of the world - Spice up your life
0:27:18 > 0:27:19# Ahhh
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- # Slam it to the left - If you're having a good time
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- # Shake it to the right - If you know that you feel fine
0:27:24 > 0:27:25- # Chicas to the front - Ha, ha
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Go round
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- # Slam it to the left - If you're having a good time
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- # Shake it to the right - If you know that you feel fine
0:27:31 > 0:27:33- # Chicas to the front - Ha, ha
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# Hai, si, ja, hold tight
0:27:35 > 0:27:39# La la la la-la-la la-la-laa... #