0:00:10 > 0:00:13I just want a new number. I don't care about my Pac code,
0:00:13 > 0:00:16I'm currently having to carry around two mobile phones.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18I feel like Gordon Gekko.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20The main character in Wall Street.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22A dated reference! Are you kidding me?!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Right, what is your name? Your manager is going to hear about this.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Hello? Hello?!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Oh, you are such a telltale!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31"What is your name? Your manager's going to hear about this."
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I bet you were a grass at school, weren't you?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Always telling on people for taking the piss
0:00:35 > 0:00:37out of your crappy football kit on mufti day.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I'm wearing this Plymouth shirt with pride, mate.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41It's the first leg of the Football League Trophy
0:00:41 > 0:00:42area final - Southern section.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Oh, my apologies.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46I bet you were in the teacher's office every day, though,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48weren't you, telling on someone?
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Dobbing someone in for writing,
0:00:49 > 0:00:51"Josh is pubeless," on the overhead projector.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54No, I wasn't! I just made a list of the perpetrators
0:00:54 > 0:00:56and gave it to the teacher at the end of the term.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Oh, my God!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Look, I just wanted people to stop giving me atomic wedgies.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Did it work?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03No. If anything, it made me more of a target.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I was getting through 20 gussets a term by the end.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Partly cos of the nerves.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Well, you haven't learnt from your own lessons, have you?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Society needs rules. Have you not seen Waterworld?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14That's a bit of a dated reference.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Oh, sorry, do you want to talk to my manager?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24You see, the thing about going to your sister's house
0:01:24 > 0:01:26for a dinner party is what to wear.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I mean, do I dress to impress Karren Brady
0:01:28 > 0:01:30or do I dress to impress Michael Gove?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32How do you dress to impress Michael Gove?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I know, it's a nightmare.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I mean, I tend to gravitate towards Levi Roots.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Levi Roots?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40To chat to. I don't wear a Rasta hat.
0:01:40 > 0:01:45Well, anyway, Mum, I've actually got quite a big announcement to make.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Oh, God, you're pregnant, aren't you, from a one-night stand?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I knew this day would come. I was looking at you and thinking,
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"Oh, she's let her gym membership lapse," but now it makes sense.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54No, Mum, I'm not pregnant!
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Oh.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Do you remember that photo I took
0:01:56 > 0:01:59of the toad that looked like Craig Charles?
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Yes, it was uncanny, wasn't it?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Well, I entered it into a National Geographic photography competition
0:02:04 > 0:02:07and...turns out it was a catastrophically endangered species,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- and I won!- Oh, thank God! Because,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I tell you, the whole family had been convinced
0:02:11 > 0:02:13your little photos would never pay off.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Oh, really?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Anyway, the award ceremony's next week. Can you come?
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Yes, but first tonight, I'm going to take you for dinner.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Great! Then you can display my award here.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25So people can see it when they come round for family gatherings.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Well, it's still a bit chocker there, isn't it,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29with all your sister's art prizes?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- On the dresser, then.- Well, that's all her science prizes.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Ooh, what about the tallboy?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35The one your sister carved?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40They look exactly the same as when you checked them yesterday, Geoff.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43So cynical. A lot can happen in 24 hours.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45If I had £5,000 and a ticket to Bangkok,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I could be a woman by this time tomorrow.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- I'll chip in.- No deal.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Although I have never been to Thailand, but...
0:02:53 > 0:02:57On balance, I would regret it in the end.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Do you think I'd need a new passport for the return journey?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01It's another expense to factor in.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Geoff, why have you got to grow your tomatoes here?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06We didn't sign up to be your greenhouse.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Check the small print. I never rented you the windowsills.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12If I want to put tomatoes there, I will.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14If I want to hang a provocative flag there, I will.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17If I want to stand out there and contemplate ending it all,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20technically you can't stop me.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Although, I'd hope you'd tell me I have a lot to live for.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28You might mention how many properties I own.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29That normally sorts me out.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Right.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Why don't you get an allotment, like every other old person?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I'm on a 25-year waiting list.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37I can't wait that long.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Can you imagine the genetic modifications
0:03:39 > 0:03:41that might have been created by then?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Have you seen the film Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- No. - Don't.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49It's a very unrealistic depiction of tomato growing.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Invaluable tip. Thank you.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Here we go, Owen, just one hour till kick-off
0:03:57 > 0:04:00in England's fourth most important cup competition.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Excluding the play-offs.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Why are there bags in the hallway?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Joshie boy!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Phil, what are you doing here?
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Nailing level two of GoldenEye, mate.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I haven't seen you since you came to my wedding.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Yeah, and I was arrested because
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I didn't realise it was a sham marriage.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16That's the one. Got to laugh, haven't ya?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18- No, it was awful.- Yeah, but you've gotta laugh, haven't you?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Phil's brought an N64 with him. It's brilliant, isn't it?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23I would pause it to chat, but that'd break the realism.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24James Bond can't pause in real life.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26James Bond isn't real.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Can't discuss that now, mate. It'd break the realism.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Actually, on that note, can we all stop talking?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Owen, can I have a word?
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Yeah.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- This is unbelievable! - I know! GoldenEye!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46He's got Diddy Kong Racing as well!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I don't care if he's got Mario Kart!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50He hasn't, I've already asked. But I think Diddy Kong Racing's
0:04:50 > 0:04:53actually better. You get to fly a plane on some levels.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54That is not the point!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56No, the point is, you've gotta defeat the intergalactic pig-wizard,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58but for me, flying a plane was the highlight.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- What is he doing here?- Well, he's my cousin. He'll only be here
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- a couple of nights. - You are kidding!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06The first leg of the Football League Trophy area final
0:05:06 > 0:05:07is on in under an hour.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Yes, I know, and we'll get to watch it together.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Presuming he's reached the relevant save-game checkpoint.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13He has got to go.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15I just want to relax in my own home.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18I don't want to endure a staycation with...Nick Cotton.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Kate!
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- Hello! - Hello.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Oh, Katie.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28- Hello, darling. - Hi, Mumma.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Very proud of your award-winning photo. Very proud.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Ah...thanks, Mumma.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34So proud.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Er...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Hello?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Oh, sorry, darling, this is my little award.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41This is my new boyfriend, Paul.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42- Oh. - Hello, Kate, lovely to meet you.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Mum!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- What?- You didn't tell me you had a new boyfriend.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Well, one of us has gotta have one.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50We only met recently at the tennis club
0:05:50 > 0:05:53and it was Terry and Sarah that introduced us, wasn't it?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54And then challenged us to mixed doubles,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56which we won because they're shit.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58We hit it off immediately.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Well, Terry and Sarah always hit it off.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01The court!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- Because they're shit! - Yeah!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I couldn't believe such a beautiful woman existed...and was single!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11And I see that the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Well, she's single, if that's what you mean.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Cheers, Mum(!)
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Paul's a hairdresser, darling.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18He does all the big events.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Well, bits and bobs. Mainly bobs.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21THEY LAUGH
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Tell her about the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Oh, Judith, what are you like? Not again!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Tell her about the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28All right, all right.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30So, I was doing All Saints' hair
0:06:30 > 0:06:32at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Er, I plumped up Melanie Blatt's hair. Very Dallas.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Then she got it caught in Shaznay's brace during Lady Marmalade!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Oh, no!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Natalie Appleton punched him in the face.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Oh, God, they love this at the tennis club.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Yeah, well, that's not the best bit. For revenge I changed the name
0:06:47 > 0:06:49in the envelope for Best Female Group.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51To this day BWitched think they won it on merit!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- THEY LAUGH - Oh, my God!
0:06:53 > 0:06:55That's the only bit of the story I don't like,
0:06:55 > 0:06:56it makes you sound vindictive.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I like vindictive - I've seen ALL his movies!
0:06:58 > 0:06:59THEY LAUGH
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Anyway, Kate, you must be so pleased,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04taking an award-winning toad photo!
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Yeah, actually, it's, erm...
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Well, I think the toad should get all the credit.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I mean, it wasn't Kate that managed to look like Craig Charles.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Mum!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Oh, is she always this hard on you? - Yeah, always.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14- Not hard. I'm not hard.- You are.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I had a judgmental mother. When I went into hairdressing
0:07:17 > 0:07:19she threatened to throw me and my Carmen rollers
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- out onto the street.- Well, thank you very much, Billy Elliot.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Ooh, I am getting the hairdryer treatment!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- No. - It's normally the other way round.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Ha-ha...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28On that subject, Kate,
0:07:28 > 0:07:29why don't you come and visit me
0:07:29 > 0:07:32in my salon before the award ceremony?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I will make you look incredible for your big day.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36No charge, obviously.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Oh, my God, that would be fantastic!
0:07:37 > 0:07:40No, darling, don't take advantage. You can't take advantage of that.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41- Oh, and there she goes again. - He's offering.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Judge Judy.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Judge Judith. KATE LAUGHS
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Which explains the wig!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- KATE AND PAUL LAUGH - That's good!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53VIDEO GAME BEEPS
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Look, come on, guys. It's almost kick-off!
0:07:58 > 0:08:02The Plymouth players are probably already out on the pitch attempting keepy-uppies.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Football's crap, mate. All those Italian nancy boys
0:08:04 > 0:08:07running around, falling over and crying.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Tell you want you want to get into - Ultimate Fighting Championship.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11I've seen it. It's not my bag.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- You'd love it. - No, I've seen it. I hated it.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Yeah, but I reckon you'd love it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I saw this 35-stone Japanese bloke
0:08:17 > 0:08:19get his teeth knocked out in the first four seconds.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Bang! No more noodles for you, mate.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Noodles are famously soft.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- OK, then, no more spring rolls. - They're Chinese.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Look, the point is, someone fat got kicked in the face and I saw it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31That is great entertainment.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Owen, you want to watch the football, don't you?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Well, Phil's a guest, mate. I think we should be good hosts.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Anyway, it's not too bad a watch.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43If you squint your eyes, it's like you're really there.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Also, I've got a cheat that turns all the enemy soldiers into
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- women in bikinis. Want to see? - No, I'm all right, cheers.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Well, that's given me a bit of a squint, I can tell you.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57But seriously, guys, you know how much this means to me!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- You need to chill out, mate. - Yes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Actually, I know this guy who sells some really great weed.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03- Want me to get you some? - Absolutely not.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06He grows it all himself with these hydroponic lamps.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10His loft is more overgrown than a '70s muff.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Right, just going to pause it there. Need to hit the bog.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I thought James Bond couldn't pause real life.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Even James Bond needs to take a shit.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19In fact, my mate says there's this deleted scene
0:09:19 > 0:09:21where he takes a dump in Oddjob's hat.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24And, yes, Oddjob doesn't know and puts it back on again.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Classic Bond!
0:09:27 > 0:09:29This is not on. He can stay tonight. He is going tomorrow.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- Well, that's not going to happen. - Why not?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Cos he's told the police he lives here.- Why would he do that?!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Because that's how probation works.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I can't live like this. Phil is taking over the flat!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Well, why don't you stand up to him, then? He's an ex-con.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49They only understand tough love.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50All right, Trisha(!)
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Shall I just give him a tennis ball and lock him in the airing cupboard?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55No, I think he's drying his weed in there.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- DOORBELL - I'll get it!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Anyway, I HAVE tried standing up to him!- Hiding your Branston pickle
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- in the loft space doesn't count. - How did you know?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, no-one needs to "stretch their legs" three times
0:10:05 > 0:10:07during a ploughman's.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Monty Don's here.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- Where?! - No, I was referring to you, Geoff.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Save your flattery for the tomatoes, Owen.
0:10:13 > 0:10:19Mother Nature has spoken and she says the tomatoes are ready!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Is that it?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24A month of growing, all for... five tomatoes?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Admittedly, a disappointing yield. I blame the lack of sunlight.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30You know, sometimes I wish this flat was on the beachfront in Barbados.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33But then this is so much more handy for the Londis.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36You know, I bet you can get a can of Lilt quicker here than they can.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Swings and roundabouts.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Right, time for the taste test.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Drumroll, please!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46HE PRETENDS TO DRUMROLL
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Mm!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Mm! Do you know what?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56It is a pity there's so few of these,
0:10:56 > 0:10:58because the flavour really is intense.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Here, open your mouth, I'll give you a surprise.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Like being back in prison.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Who was that?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Oh, that's just Phil. It's fine. He's a friend.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I hope you guys aren't subletting, because if you are, he'll be out
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- on his ear.- Actually...- He's just staying for a few nights. It's fine,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16he's a friend, Geoff. It's nothing to worry about.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18He seemed very at home.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Yeah, you're telling me! That was my milk. And my towel.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Was it your skid mark?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23No, that was all his own work.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Katie.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Mum! You not with Paul?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33No, you must have realised yesterday
0:11:33 > 0:11:35that Paul is a dreadful, dreadful person.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37What?! No! We were getting on great!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39He was being so nice about my award,
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I accidentally called him Dad at one point.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43It was like that time in GCSE Physics all over again.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- He criticised my parenting. - Yeah. Do you think that's why
0:11:46 > 0:11:47I confused him with Dad?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Well, the similarity doesn't end there, because I'm dumping him.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Ah, really?
0:11:51 > 0:11:52I need some advice.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55And I thought, "Well, who's an expert on relationships ending?"
0:11:55 > 0:11:59My Katie. Now, what do I do? Cos I haven't dumped anybody for 30 years.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00What about Dad?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Well, that was easy - because of the pregnant PA.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- Oh, right.- I'm worried what people at the tennis club'll think.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I mean, Terry and Sarah already don't like me,
0:12:07 > 0:12:08but I suppose they're always grumpy
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- because they're shit at tennis. - Who are Terry and Sarah?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Names you will never hear past the qualifying rounds,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15let me tell you that!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Now, what do I do? Am I honest with him?
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Absolutely not.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Rule number one, never tell the truth. OK? The main thing is
0:12:20 > 0:12:22to blame external factors, you know.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Say something like, "I've got a job abroad, I can't get over my ex,
0:12:26 > 0:12:28"I don't want to date someone with a fructose intolerance." You know,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I've heard them all and they all work.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32You're not fructose intolerant, are you?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34No, but by the time I googled it, he'd already left.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- Oh.- Oh, that's another rule - get it over with quickly.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Like pulling off a plaster.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40- That's good! - Yeah.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43That's very good. Yes, absolutely right. Well done, you.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Yes. Do it now.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46- Yep. - I shall do it.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48I don't want those people at the tennis club
0:12:48 > 0:12:50thinking I'm just some kind of freeloader, you know,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53that's just in it for the free haircuts.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Oh, oh, no. Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- What? - Stop, stop, stop, stop!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I forgot. The one rule is to always do it in person.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03OK? That's the only way you can guarantee that you won't be seen
0:13:03 > 0:13:04as a horrible freeloader.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05- Oh, no. - When are you next seeing him?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Tomorrow afternoon.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Yeah, that works. Face-to-face.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Yeah, Paul would only ever do it face-to-face.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12- That was one of the problems. - Mum, stop!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14You'd think being a hairdresser, he'd have more imagination.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16"Do you never want to see the back of my head, Paul?"
0:13:16 > 0:13:18No, we only do that with a mirror, apparently.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Oh, Mum, please! End. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22HAIRDRYER WHIRS
0:13:22 > 0:13:24HAIRDRYER STOPS WHIRRING
0:13:24 > 0:13:27HAIRDRYER WHIRS
0:13:27 > 0:13:29HAIRDRYER STOPS WHIRRING
0:13:31 > 0:13:33HAIRDRYER WHIRS What are you doing?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Just drying my socks.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Little life hack for ya.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I warm everything up before I put it on.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43You wouldn't want to see me before protected sex.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44HAIRDRYER WHIRS
0:13:46 > 0:13:48HAIRDRYER STOPS WHIRRING
0:13:48 > 0:13:50HAIRDRYER WHIRS, THEN STOPS
0:13:51 > 0:13:53HAIRDRYER WHIRS, THEN STOPS
0:13:56 > 0:13:57HAIRDRYER WHIRS
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Do you have to do that here?! - Not many left, mate!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01What are you, a millipede?
0:14:01 > 0:14:03No, I went down for bigamy!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05What are you doing, your taxes?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- Yes. - Why bother?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09They'll never catch you. They don't know what they're doing.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11You've just come out of prison!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Pret A Manger? Oh, la-di-da.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Someone's doing all right for themselves.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17French restaurants, two phones...
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I've got a problem with my Pac code.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Course you have, mate. Don't worry, I won't tell the feds,
0:14:22 > 0:14:23cos I'm not a snitch.
0:14:23 > 0:14:24You're not a snitch, are you, Josh?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25No.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Cos you know what we did to snitches in prison, don't ya?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30What?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I can't tell ya, because I hate snitching.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Oh, for God's sake.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Hands in the air, freeze! - No, I'm not playing that.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39HAIRDRYER WHIRS No, get off! Not my receipts!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- Oh, it's getting a bit blowy... - Not my receipts!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Oh, no, what a shame!- I've been working on them all morning!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46And can you please stop drinking my beer?!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48That's not your beer, mate.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50What?
0:14:50 > 0:14:51It used to be.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Usual combination. Ultimate Fighting Championship on TV
0:14:54 > 0:14:55and me needing a piss.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I know what you're thinking.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59How did he fill it exactly to the top?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00No.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01I didn't.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04My Pilgrim Pete mug!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Thirsty work being a mascot, eh?
0:15:11 > 0:15:12HIGH-PITCHED: Hello, Geoff.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Morning, Mother. I had two poached eggs and a slice of granary bread.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Speak to you after lunch.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18No...
0:15:18 > 0:15:21DEEP VOICE: No, this is not your mother.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- Right, who is it, then? - I am anonymous.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26What, the activists with the masks?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Have you hacked my cloud? Is this about my holiday photos?
0:15:29 > 0:15:30I thought it was a nudist beach!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32No, this is not about that.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I can still hear the screaming.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Listen, I have terrible news. Brace yourself.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I'm a grown-up, I can take it. How bad can it be?
0:15:40 > 0:15:45A man called Phil is subletting your flat at 7 Belmont Gardens.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Hello? Geoff? Are you there?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Sorry. I almost fainted. Do you mind if we take a minute,
0:15:51 > 0:15:52so I can put my head between my legs?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56Look, he is not paying any rent and he is sleeping on the sofa
0:15:56 > 0:15:57against the tenants' wishes.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I'll get on it right away.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Subletting, the worst of all crimes.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Now, what you need to do...
0:16:03 > 0:16:04HE HANGS UP
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Hello?
0:16:08 > 0:16:09IN NORMAL VOICE: Hello?
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Right you, out. Your days of reckless subletting are over.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I was only crashing for a couple of nights.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Not according to a little bird
0:16:23 > 0:16:24who called me anonymously from a phone box.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28And just to clear up any confusion, it wasn't actually a bird.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Yeah, I got that. Just let me get my stuff together, I'll be out
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- of your hair.- Well, chop chop.- OK.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Just...do me a favour.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38If you see whoever grew those incredible tomatoes,
0:16:38 > 0:16:39congratulate them from me.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Well, well, that was me, but...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43You're Geoff Jeffries?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Yes.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47The tomato whisperer?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Is that what they call me?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50They should do.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53That sweet, sweet smell sent me to another world.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55At night I dreamt I was being pureed.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Oh...that is nice to hear.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58You were clearly born with green fingers.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I...I was, actually.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Septicaemia. The midwife...
0:17:01 > 0:17:04What would you say if I was to tell you I could increase
0:17:04 > 0:17:07your tomato yield by 3 to 10,000% per annum?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I'm all ears.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Didn't know you grew corn as well.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Eh?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Ears of corn.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Oh!
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Yeah!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Yeah, so... - That's wonderful!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37With my know-how and your instinctive feel for veg,
0:17:37 > 0:17:41we could turn your tomato business into a tomato empire.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44We could call it Tomato Towers.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46You're the boss. The uniforms could be red!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48The door handles could be big tomatoes.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Even the toilets could be tomato shaped!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Er, no, I'm not sure I'd like that.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01So, the big night! Congratulations again.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02What was your category?
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Er, Countryside At Play.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I'm surprised I won, actually. It was such a strong field.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Ironically!
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Er...
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Of course!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Can I use that when I accept my award?
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Be my guest. Who else was nominated?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Er, field mouse in a Wellington boot,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17pig looking at a sunset,
0:18:17 > 0:18:18sheepdog closing a gate,
0:18:18 > 0:18:19eagle eating a scone
0:18:19 > 0:18:21and shepherd crying after sending his flock to abattoir.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Ah, but do any of them look like Craig Charles?
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- No.- No.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26So, what are we thinking?
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Erm...I just really want to stand out at the awards.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Something a little more urban?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Yes, that sounds 100% me!
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Something cutting edge.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Exactly!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Are you familiar with Rachel from Friends?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40VIDEO GAME BEEPS
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Good afternoon, gentlemen.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Joshie boy!
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Phil, still here?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Only just. Apparently, some jobsworth tipped off your landlord
0:18:50 > 0:18:51about me staying here.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54And not in a "there's a legend in your flat and he's got an N64,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"so you might want to pop round and bring your Rumble Pak"
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- sort of way.- Oh, deary me.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01No, he came over here like he owned the place.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Banging on about subletting, saying it's against the law.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08What kind of bureaucratic telltale knob cheese
0:19:08 > 0:19:10dobs someone in for subletting?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Any idea who that might have been, Josh?
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Nope.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Pity, though, isn't it? Because I'd have had you stay forever,
0:19:16 > 0:19:17but the law's the law. So when are you off?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I'm not.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20What?
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Me and the Geoffster got on like a house on fire. Bosom buddies.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27By which I mean I showed him the GoldenEye cheat with the bikinis.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31To cut a long story short, he says I can stay here indefinitely.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32He said that?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34And this is the best bit.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37He reckons he can put a little dividing wall up in here.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I can have my own room.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Really?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Police, please.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Yeah, could you put me through to the drug squad?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I'd like to report a drug crime.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Do I just say it now?
0:19:53 > 0:19:58OK, there is a man in my flat and he is smoking cannabis.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Well, what if I told you he's on probation?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Yeah, great, right, now, he is in 7 Belmont Gardens
0:20:06 > 0:20:09and he is smoking some pretty sizeable doobies.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13D-O-O-B-I...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Oh, sorry, B-E-L-M-O-N-T
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Gardens.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20A dealer?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, I heard him mention Mexico and grab bags.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Baggies, that's it! Yep, baggies.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28..which is ironic,
0:20:28 > 0:20:33seeing as this is a competition full of so many, many fields.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34As in the ones you get on farms.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I don't think you're going to need to explain it like that.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I'll gauge it on the night.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Do you know, you have a very similar wave in your hair to your mum?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Oh, yeah? You're seeing her tonight, aren't you? Say hi from me.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48No. We were going to, but I didn't want to risk cutting into your time,
0:20:48 > 0:20:50so we met this morning instead.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Such a pity what happened.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55You're cooked. Back in a tick.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Mum?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Hello, darling.- Please tell me you haven't broken up with Paul already?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Yeah, I did it this morning. Gave him the big heave-ho.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Did it as you told me to do, face-to-face.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Oh, sweet Jesus! - Well, I followed your advice to a T,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15but, actually, it seemed to make him angrier, if anything.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Wait, what do you mean, my advice?
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I did what you said. I blamed outside factors.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I told him you didn't like him and I couldn't have
0:21:20 > 0:21:22a relationship with someone you weren't comfortable with.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Why the hell...?! Why the hell would you do that?
0:21:26 > 0:21:27Because that's what you wanted me to do.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I...I didn't want him thinking
0:21:29 > 0:21:32that I was only in it for the haircuts,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34and the "difficult daughter" line was perfect.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I thought you'd be pleased.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Right, then, Kate.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Now that the dye's taken hold,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42let's get cracking with the thinning shears.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45VIDEO GAME BEEPS
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Phil, get out. I want to watch TV.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Bloody hell!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55All right, Pokemon!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Aren't you meant to be going to an awards ceremony?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Yes. It's tonight.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02What's it for? Shittest hair?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Oh, you can talk, Mr...Shit Moustache!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Mr Shit Moustache?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Oh, it's for shittest banter!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Out! Now!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Why don't you go and do a lap of the park?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Try and come up with another zinger. - I'm not going anywhere.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Suit yourself, Rosie and Jim!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Out! - Look, just grab a beer and chillax.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Oh! Oh, maybe I will.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26That's not beer!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- GAME STOPS - Shove this stupid Nintendo up your arse!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Argh!
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Hello?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Hello? Phil?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Oh, thank you, God!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Ah...
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- TV:- ..today. And this one really is the big one.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05The Football League Trophy area final -
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Southern section - second leg...
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Oh, unlucky, Philly boy! The one that got away.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Oh, go on, then.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18Steve Claridge, what chance of an upset do you think here today?
0:23:18 > 0:23:19COUGHS
0:23:20 > 0:23:23DOORBELL
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Yep, coming! Just coming!
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Hi, can I help you?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Hello, sir, we're just responding to a call we received.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35Ah, you don't need to worry about that.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I'm afraid, sir, we have to respond to these things.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Do you mind if we come in?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Oh, well, I'm just watching Plymouth Argyle
0:23:41 > 0:23:43in the Football League Trophy area final second leg.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Plymouth are 3-0 down. It's a dead rubber.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48We just need to come in and have a look around.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50We've had a report that somebody's dealing drugs
0:23:50 > 0:23:51in breach of their probation order.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Ah, now, that was my flatmate's cousin, but he's gone now.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- We're still going to have to check. - Why?
0:23:57 > 0:23:58You could be protecting him.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I'm not harbouring a fugitive!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02This isn't the Ecuadorian embassy!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04We've had a call, sir. We've got no choice.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Look, I'll be honest with you. It was me.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08What, you're the drug dealer?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11No! It was me that made the call, but I was wrong.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Now, I appreciate you responding so quickly,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15but everything is fine here.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17I'm afraid it isn't as easy as that, sir.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19We're still going to need to come in and take a look around.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Presumably you're fine with this as somebody with nothing to hide?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Yeah, of course.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Hanson, wait here.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36You all right there, sir?
0:24:36 > 0:24:37Yeah.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40You seem a bit stressed.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42No, not at all. Everything's fine.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Would you care to explain this?
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Er, that doesn't belong to me.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50That belongs to the man who was sleeping on my sofa.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51The man who's sleeping on your sofa?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Yeah, but he's gone now. I don't know where.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56But it's still alight.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Yeah, I was burning it to get rid of it!
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Of course you were(!)
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Yeah, we're a perfectly normal, straight household!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04We're not into any of those drug-style things!
0:25:04 > 0:25:05DOOR OPENS
0:25:11 > 0:25:13She doesn't normally look like that!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- Only when she's high? - No, she isn't high!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Look, let me phone my flatmate. He will explain. It was his cousin.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Please don't make any calls at this moment, sir.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22It will clear things up.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Oh, that's the wrong one.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Right, here we go.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27You've got two phones?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Yeah... No, not like that!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31No, I've got a problem with my Pac code.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I'm not in The Wire. This isn't a burner.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Of course it isn't, sir(!)
0:25:34 > 0:25:36No, look, I'm not a drug dealer!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39It was one spliff and it isn't even mine!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Joshua, we're in for a bumper crop this year!
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh, hello, officers.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Is that a hydroponic lamp?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48This isn't what it looks like.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54# If you wanna have a good time... #
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Oh, God!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I am so sorry, Pilgrim Pete!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Oh, God!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Ultimate Fighting Championship has got a lot to answer for!
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# I know, I know, I know where it's at
0:26:09 > 0:26:12# If you wanna have a good time
0:26:12 > 0:26:14# I know where it's at
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# If you know you've got something on your mind
0:26:17 > 0:26:18# I know where it's at
0:26:18 > 0:26:22# If you know that you wanna get on down
0:26:22 > 0:26:23# I know where it's at
0:26:23 > 0:26:27# Don't deny, don't be shy Just come around
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# I know, I know, I know where it's at
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# If you wanna have a good time... #