0:00:14 > 0:00:17I can't believe they didn't go with the European plug adaptor stuff.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20I mean, I've got six, but I can't find any of them. That's good stuff.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Yes, but they looked like the kind of audience who holiday in the UK,
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- so...- What a gig. Smashed it.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Yeah, well done.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28- Died on your arse.- I was there.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Unlike most of the audience, by the time you'd finished!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Yes, good one(!)
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Oh, such a pity there was that reviewer in.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Yeah, but how many people read the Evening Standard?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- About 1.58 million.- Oh.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40And they'll put it online.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Trouble with an online review is, they hang around for ever.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46In a million years, right, there will be humans with gills going,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49"Josh must have been really shit at comedy."
0:00:49 > 0:00:51KEVIN LAUGHS Yes, good one.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Anyway, good to see you, guys.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56I'm going to go and, erm, talk to some fans.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Oh. See you later.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Who actually does that?
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Not you in the last six months.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Cheers, mate. Can we just go?
0:01:04 > 0:01:05- Yes.- I want to get home.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Sorry, I just wanted to say, I loved your stuff on Fruit Corners.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Oh, really?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12"I want breakfast, not an origami lesson!"
0:01:12 > 0:01:14It's like you were reading my thoughts.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I've actually got more Muller stuff I didn't even get to.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Oh, really?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Yeah, like, what is going on with Crunch Corners?
0:01:20 > 0:01:21What are those little balls?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23What am I trying to do, trip up a burglar in Home Alone?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- WOMAN LAUGHS - Well, I thought you were funny, even if the others didn't.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Thank you. - Oh, are you going?
0:01:28 > 0:01:31No, no, my shoulder's just under the air-conditioning unit,
0:01:31 > 0:01:32so I'm keeping it warm.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Oh, good, I was hoping to buy you a drink.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Yeah, of course, yeah.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I can't believe someone that attractive hit on me.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I feel like Seal.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Maybe I should try being a shit stand-up comic.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Who knew that is what girls are into?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54She is so far out of my league.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Mate, no disrespect, but if you were a football club, you'd have to close most of the ground,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00because it wouldn't reach the division's health and safety requirements.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03That's what I was thinking, I'd be playing with a greatly reduced gate.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Please don't mess this up for us.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06What do you mean, for us?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Think about the friends she's going to have.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Attractive people hang out with attractive people.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11They hunt in packs.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14If you pull this off, I'll have the keys to the city,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- I'll be like Ian McShane in Bury. - What?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19They gave him the freedom of the city, he can go anywhere he likes.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I think it's a mainly ceremonial thing.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23No, my auntie lives there.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25If he knocks on the door, you've got to let him in.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26He's always rocking up on a Sunday lunchtime,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28trying to get a free Sunday roast.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Thing is, he's not very good company.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34He will not talk about Lovejoy and he will not let you try on that leather jacket.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Josh, was your gig at the Chuckle Bucket last night?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38Yeah, are you googling for the review?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Erm, you tanked and someone wrote about it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Of course I'm going to look it up. - How bad is it?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44No review as yet, but amazing news,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47someone has written a blog about your gig.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Oh, God. - Josh...
0:02:50 > 0:02:54I think you might have a date with Miss Naughty of North London.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55What?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Miss Naughty of North London writes, "Last night, I found myself at the Chuckle Bucket
0:02:59 > 0:03:01"comedy club on the hunt for a man who could make me laugh.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"After a year of going for obviously hot guys,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06"it's time to try something different
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"and see if I can be laughed into bed.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"So I ended up giving my number to a comedian."
0:03:11 > 0:03:13This is incredible!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15You have a date with a sex blogger.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Of course, this makes perfect sense.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19She's just using you as her next subject.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- No, that's not true.- She's good, though, you never would've known. - No, she liked me.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25That's why she gave me her number and bought me a drink.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Oh, that explains the D minus she gave you for chivalry.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- D minus?! - Is she marking him?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Yeah. - Let's have a look.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Starting scores alongside the D minus for chivalry.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- C for dress sense, E for face. - E for face?!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41E for face, what a kick in the knackers.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42Or is it your face? I can't tell.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Still, C for dress sense. I mean, that's a pass.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Four more of those and you can go through to sixth form.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54TV IS ON
0:03:54 > 0:03:56DOORBELL RINGS
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Oh, Geoff, look, I'm just in the middle of something.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I bet you are and I bet it's costing me money.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Dearie me, what is this? Times Square?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- You don't have to have it all on. - Stop.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15It's like Dixons in here.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Look at it, everything.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Your use of amenities is out of control.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I bet you've had a bath today, haven't you?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Er, well, yes, actually I have.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25When I was your age, I used to wash twice a week, and that was in the sink.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26How small were you?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29If you're single, why are you washing anyway?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31It's one of the great benefits of a life alone.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33That and a bed to spread out in,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35one less funeral to organise.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38And on Valentine's Day, it's really easy to get a table for one.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42February 14th, 8pm, Geoff wants to go to La Tasca, no problem.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Table facing the wall?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45That'll do nicely. Do I need a menu?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47No, thanks, I'll have what I have every year.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Are you done? - No. To sum up, stop bathing.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I've been bathing since I moved in here, why do you suddenly care now?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I'm in a financial hole, Kate.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57It's not just you.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00The cost of the upkeep of these buildings is going through the roof.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02Ironically.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Well, I would enjoy that wordplay if I wasn't so worried.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08People keep fixing things and I keep having to pick up my share of the bill.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09It's not like I live here.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Why should I care if the asbestos stays or goes?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16- Surely there's a residents' association. Can't you complain to them?- Oh, yeah, I'm a member.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I'm just not getting my motions through.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Have you tried a strong coffee?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Again, I would enjoy that wordplay if I wasn't so worried.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Actually, if you're going soon, could you ask about fixing the lift?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29What, and be lumbered with more costs? Absolutely not.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30But it's ruining my life.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I have to go up three flights of stairs every time I come home.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Is that why you're bathing so much?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Can I come and ask about it?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39If you think you can handle life on the political ladder.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40You're not on the political ladder.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I am, and it's very high pressure.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Today I may be settling a dispute with residents' parking.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Tomorrow I could be carpet-bombing the Middle East.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Geoff...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53STUMBLING
0:05:53 > 0:05:54- GEOFF:- Oh! I'm fine.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58All right, mate?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00What do you want?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I want to talk about your date.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Oh, I'm probably going to cancel.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I don't want someone grading my conversation and wit.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I wouldn't read the Evening Standard today, then.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Oh, God.- Although, if you want to, Kate's got six copies.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12She's heading back to the Circle line now,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- see if there are any more lying around.- Oh, great(!)- Listen,
0:06:15 > 0:06:16I don't want you to cancel this date, OK?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Cos it is a brilliant opportunity.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- How?- You've been on her blog, it's like reading a manual to her romantic life.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24All of her past dates are there, her likes, her dislikes.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28All you've got to do is take this information and create the perfect date,
0:06:28 > 0:06:29ignoring the fact that you'll be there.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31So what do I do?
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Well, where would you normally take a date?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Tenpin bowling?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Are you joking?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37No, it's a good date.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39You've got the physical contact of both holding the same ball,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42you could put flirty names into the scoreboard.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44You can see her feet without shoes on.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Seriously, that is a terrible idea.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48You need to read her blog posts from the dates she had with,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I think it was Nile in 2014.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53She got her watch caught in the ball dispensing machine.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55It's left her with a pathological fear of them.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57She says that every time she closes her eyes,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01she can see the next ball spinning towards her in the darkness.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02So where do I take her, then?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I've had a look at the blog, here's the itinerary. It's a "best of", if you will.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Dinner at Lanzini's, window seat - Steve, 2015.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Then, one pudding, two spoons - Ian, 2014.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16After that, a romantic stroll along the river where you open up about something
0:07:16 > 0:07:18deeply personal, that was Pablo in February. After that...
0:07:18 > 0:07:19Lean in for the kiss.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22No, you pay for her Uber home, executive class.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Executive class?- Yeah, you get a free bottle of water,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27you get to play your Spotify through the car speakers.
0:07:27 > 0:07:28Like on a private jet?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31It's better than a private jet, mate. On a private jet
0:07:31 > 0:07:33you've got to turn off your Bluetooth. Trust me.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Erm, is it just the two of us?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39No, we're early.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Oh, good.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46There'll be three of us when Giles arrives.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Sorry I'm late, I've just been for a meeting at the ACTUAL council.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55And yes, I have managed to get that local youth choir closed down, so there will be
0:07:55 > 0:07:59no more tone-deaf children having loud fun around here.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I see we have a new addition to the war room.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Erm, yes, hi, I'm Kate.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Sorry... I'm here to talk about the broken lift.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Oh, you sound like absolutely fascinating company.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Which flat do you live in?
0:08:09 > 0:08:10- Seven. - Great.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Remind me to never pop round for a coffee.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Can't risk the combination of your conversation and a third-floor window.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21So, item one, I have a creaky front door.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I suggest that we get me a new one, with a nice window in it.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Why does it have to have a window?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28So if she comes to visit, I know to hide!
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Yeah, but surely that's a personal expense, it's not a building cost.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Geoff, do you want me to not get a new door
0:08:37 > 0:08:40and then annoy all my neighbours with constant creaking?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43IMITATES CREAKING DOOR
0:08:45 > 0:08:46GILES CONTINUES TO CREAK
0:08:49 > 0:08:50OK, we get it!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53So, all those in favour of me getting a new door?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57All those against?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- New door granted. - What?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Motion passed by chairman's prerogative.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06See article 19, subsection D of the residents' association charter
0:09:06 > 0:09:08as amended for 2016.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10What the hell? You can't just ignore us.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Item two.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Yet another energy saving suggestion from our very own Captain Planet,
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Geoff Jeffries.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Yeah. - CLEARS THROAT
0:09:21 > 0:09:27Lady and gentleman, the timed light switch that guides you down the hallway
0:09:27 > 0:09:31stays on for 15 seconds, which means that every time you turn it on,
0:09:31 > 0:09:32a polar bear dies.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Now, I can't prove that, but you can't disprove it.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40So I propose cutting the pop-out time to one second,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44thus saving the Arctic/Antarctic, whichever it is,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47and £28 per annum.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Sorry, how are we supposed to get down the hallway in one second?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Although she is clearly an idiot, in this particular instance she speaks sense.
0:09:54 > 0:10:00Well, what you need to do is turn the light on, look at what's in the corridor,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02commit it to memory and go for it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Let's conduct a simple experiment.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Oh, somebody's been to Ryman's.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10It's Staples, actually.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Kate.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Look at this picture.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15You ready?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Yeah.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Did you see any hazards?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Was that a wolf on the left?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Exactly!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31So now you know to walk on the right-hand side of the corridor.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35And remember, the wolf is more afraid of you than you are of him.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Thank you.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Why would there be a wolf?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Well, cos someone left the door open.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Firstly, I think we can all agree that a better comment would have been,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51"Because somebody failed to keep the wolf from the door."
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Secondly, what an absurd idea. Motion dismissed.
0:10:55 > 0:11:00Right, AOB, by which I don't mean, annoying old bastard.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Geoff's already had his say!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07So any other business?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Yeah, like I said, the lift needs fixing.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11- No.- Why not?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I live on the ground floor. Dismissed.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Yeah, I've been on some awful dates.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18- Yeah, I know.- What?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I mean, we all have, haven't we?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- SHE LAUGHS - Yeah, right.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Every bad date makes a good story, though.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Yeah, of course it does, yeah.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Last Valentine's, I went on a blind date with a market trader.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32He took me to a chain restaurant and then spent ten minutes trying to haggle down
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- the price of bruschetta. - Oh, my God!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36What kind of grade would you have given that date?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Teachers don't grade everything, Josh!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- No, of course, sorry. - I'd have given it an F.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I hope I've done better than that tonight.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Tonight has been quite the opposite.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Lanzini's was incredible.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47And then this.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Amy, can I share something with you?
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Another pudding?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54No, something personal.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Just wanted to tell you that I'm...
0:11:59 > 0:12:01..asthmatic.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03OK.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05It hasn't always made my life easy.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08I remember when I was a kid and some kids teased me, because I wheezed
0:12:08 > 0:12:11through the minute's silence for Princess Diana.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14But I try not to let it hold me back.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Last year, I did a charity 10k.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I beat Louise Redknapp.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- Oh!- To be fair, she was dressed as a lung.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I've never told anyone that before.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I mean, about the asthma, not about Louise Redknapp.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Well, we've both got to be up early.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Do we?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I know you do.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Shall I get you an Uber?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46There you go. Oh, look, executive class.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Oh, you don't have to do that.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- Have you got Spotify on your phone?- Yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51You can thank me later.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59Giles is awful.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I mean, that meeting was unbearable.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02One of the better ones, actually, Kate.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Better? It was like being on Kim Jong-un's cabinet.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09I mean, he's probably outside now playing basketball with Dennis Rodman.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11No, he won't be, he's enforced a "no ball games" rule.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Confiscated my Hacky Sack.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Isn't even a ball.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16I just made it move like one.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Right, OK.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Erm... Well, anyway, I've been looking into it and as members
0:13:20 > 0:13:23of the residents' association, we have the power
0:13:23 > 0:13:24to call a vote of no-confidence in Giles.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I mean, do you know what that means?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Vaguely. - Basically, it means...
0:13:28 > 0:13:31A vote of no confidence will trigger an extraordinary general meeting
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- and a subsequent vote on leadership.- Right, so...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36The following vote will then be counted at 1900 hours,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- all in attendance will be nominated.- Yeah...
0:13:38 > 0:13:42The motion will be conducted in accordance with a single transferable vote system,
0:13:42 > 0:13:44so that if there's no overall winner after the first ballot,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47second preference votes will then be counted.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Something like that?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Erm, yeah, yeah. Something like that.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54So if we vote together, we can get rid of Giles.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56As a duo, I could help you to power.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I could be the Brown to your Blair.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00The Osborne to your Cameron.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- Balls to my Miliband. - Yeah, if you like.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Balls!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I mean, his name is Balls.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Can't believe nobody ever noticed that!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Do you know Tony Robinson once tricked the Time Team into digging him
0:14:18 > 0:14:22a new fish pond by claiming he had found a Roman goblet in his flowerbed?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24JOSH: Oh, my God, guys, you're not going to believe this.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27The plan literally couldn't have gone any better.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31She just texted me to say riding in an Uber executive made her feel
0:14:31 > 0:14:33like a soap star. A soap star!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I made her feel like Pam St Clement.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Thank you, Owen.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39All part of the service, Josh.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Did you see what she wrote on her blog this morning?
0:14:41 > 0:14:44"He's coming around tomorrow, we'll see how things develop."
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Winky face, winky face.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48We all know where this is going.
0:14:48 > 0:14:5060 seconds of heavy breathing, followed by an hour of apologies?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52OWEN LAUGHS
0:14:52 > 0:14:54You can say what you want, mate, I know what I'm doing.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- Brilliant, look forward to reading about it.- What?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58On Miss Naughty of North London. I was reading it yesterday.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Have you actually read back through her sexual conquests?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02She doesn't review that, does she?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04It's a sex blog, that's why people read it.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Owen, why didn't you tell me?
0:15:06 > 0:15:07I didn't want to get in your head.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You tend to panic when you know the reviewers are in.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Oh, God, is she harsh?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Probably best to ask Ian "Tiny Dick" Richards.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15She named and shamed?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18She's not necessarily going to give you a bad review, is she?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21"But it was his pitiful body that disappointed most.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23"He was as scrawny as a whippet.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"But the real letdown was when he decided to WHIP IT out."
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Clever.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"Where's the Hubble telescope when you need it?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"Sex grade, G minus."
0:15:32 > 0:15:34That's not even a grade.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35What am I going to do?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37The way I see it is, you have two options.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Either you have sex with her and you're publicly humiliated online,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43or you miss your one chance to sleep with a beautiful woman.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Or he has sex with her and she has a great time.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47BOTH: No.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Listen, you can't pull the plug at this late stage.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53You're so close, you'll regret it for ever. Let me help you.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54How?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Welcome to possibility number three.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Right, take your top off.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- What?- Come on, top off, chop chop.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01No, what is this, Hollyoaks Late?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Listen, if I'm going to help you get a good review,
0:16:04 > 0:16:05I need to see what I'm working with.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Top off, please.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Good, that's better.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Right, this is just a simple physical examination.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13This is a safe space.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Whoa! What the bloody hell is that?!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- What?- That weird indentation.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Was your father an egg cup?
0:16:19 > 0:16:22No, I've got a pectus excavatum. I've just got a slightly sunken sternum.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- What can we do about it?- We don't need to do anything about it.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It just gives my chest character.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Character? Looks like someone's carried out a controlled explosion.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Hold on.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I can hear the sea.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Well, I suppose I could try and suck it out with a Henry Hoover.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Neither me nor Henry wants that.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- Bit of Polyfilla? - Leave me alone.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I can try and work round it, mate, but I'm sure the review won't.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Just so you know, I'm already disappointed in you.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Hello, madam, I'm from the residents' association.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54I was wondering if I can count on your vote this upcoming election?
0:16:54 > 0:16:55(It's me. Let me in.)
0:16:55 > 0:16:57What are you doing?
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Just canvassing for votes around the building. Acting natural.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Not letting Giles know our little coup is already in action.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Of course. Just to check, Geoff. If I do this for you,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08you are going to fix the lift, aren't you?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Getting the lift working is an aim of my tenure.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Sorry, is that a yes or a no?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16It is a yes. In that, in an ideal world,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I want the lift to work as much as anyone.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Sorry, yes or no, Geoff?
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Kate, I have many hopes for my premiership and getting the lift working
0:17:25 > 0:17:26is certainly one of them.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Right.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Great, so I'll see you at the vote?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Mm.- Remember, you're my Balls!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34That's still funny!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- It's not... - Scratching my Balls!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- He's called Balls! - OK, please leave.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40OK.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45DOORBELL RINGS Oh, my God.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Yes, I get it, his name is Balls.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49- Oh.- Good afternoon, Kate.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I'm going to cut to the chase, I need your help.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I'm not going to help you burn down an orphanage, Giles.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Don't worry, Kate, I'd never ask you to do that.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Burn it down, they only rebuild it.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Get them with the correct red tape, it'll stay shut for ever.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I'm joking. Kind of.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Now, I'm sure you've heard that Geoff has put in this tedious little meeting
0:18:06 > 0:18:07to vote in a new leader.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- I need you to vote for me. - No chance.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Vote for me, I will get that lift fixed within 48 hours.- No.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15- 46?- No.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16- 44?- No.
0:18:16 > 0:18:1843?
0:18:18 > 0:18:1943...?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Now, the body can change dramatically in just 24 hours.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Think of this as the day before a boxing weigh-in, OK?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I want to get you down to your dating weight.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I'm quite slim.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Not as slim as you would be under peak dehydration.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35And did you know, the body is 75% water?
0:18:35 > 0:18:36I think that's bananas.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37That's not bananas, that is true.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Anyway, I can get you cracking with a quick boxing drill.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I want to see you sweat, I want you like a rich American housewife.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44- What?- Ready to spar.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47- That is not good enough. - Fair enough.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Anyway, hands in front of your face, on your toes like a boxer.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- Oh, your shoelaces are undone. - Is it?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Ow!- Unbelievable. Come on, concentrate.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Oldest trick in the book. - Can you please not do that? - Yes, fine, OK.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58- Oddly, the other one has come undone.- Has it?
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Ow!- I can't believe it, this is astonishing. Come on, man, what is wrong with you?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Seriously, Owen, these shoes undo very easily.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I've got wide feet, which means short bows.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Wide feet! Bloody hell, is there any part of you that's normal?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10You're like a misshapen biscuit.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- Although they are short bows. - They are...
0:19:12 > 0:19:13- Ow!- Unbelievable.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Come on, these are old, old tricks.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17What is wrong with you, man?
0:19:19 > 0:19:20- Your shoelaces. - Yes, good one.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23No, seriously, mate, you might trip.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24All joking apart.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Imagine if you fell over, it'd be awful. That is too dangerous. We can't carry on.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29What, honestly?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Honestly.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33You are such an idiot.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I just don't see why we both need to be topless.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Josh, chances are you're going to encounter naked flesh,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47so I need to know that you're not going to be so intimidated that you can't speak.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Just go with me on this one.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49OK.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Obviously in an ideal world, I'd be wearing fake breasts, but life
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- doesn't always give you what you need.- Very deep.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56A bit like your chest.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Now, Miss Naughty of North London finds confidence sexy,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02so everything you say must be confident and sexy.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Don't doubt yourself.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Be like Sergey Bubka.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Who is Sergey Bubka?
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Oh, he dominated the pole vault in the '90s.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11But now the time has come for you to dominate with your...
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Yes, I get it.- OK.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15So one last time, for me.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Would you like a glass of wine?
0:20:16 > 0:20:17I want more than that.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Very nice. Would you like me to take your coat?
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Yeah, and you can take my shirt as well.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Oh, lovely. Classic Bubka.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26How about this one, then? What would you like to watch?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28You, taking your clothes off.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Yes, please.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Are you sure you don't want a drink?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43No, I'm off the liquids.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44OK.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Books.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Classic English teacher. I'm really a frustrated writer.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Right, so, what kind of stuff do you write?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Put it this way, nothing I'd want the kids at school to read.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Still, it's better than sitting around watching television.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01I'd like to watch you...
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Sorry, I don't know where I was going with that.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08So, what have you been up to today?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Just wading through some marking. - Of course.
0:21:11 > 0:21:12I feel like I spend my life grading people.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Are you marking this? - Oh, yeah!
0:21:15 > 0:21:19What would you give it, a B minus? I'd take a C, I'm not greedy.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20You know what?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I think you're more confident than you let on.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39So, how was that?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- Sorry?- Like, what grade would you give that? Was that a pass?
0:21:42 > 0:21:46A...C minus. But we can work on it.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48I can up my game, it was a first attempt.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Josh, I was joking.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Are you OK?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Yes, I'm just a bit stressed.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56This isn't meant to be stressful.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57You don't seem very in the moment.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I am in the moment, I just want the moment to be right.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05Oh... Oh, are you new at this sort of thing?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07No, no, I'm not a virgin, no.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Quite the opposite, I've been compared to Sergey Bubka.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12The meerkat?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14No, he dominated the pole vault in the '90s.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16The meerkat?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18No, I'm just worried that you're judging me.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I'm not. I'm kissing you.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Of course, of course.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Sorry. Sorry.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Look, I think we should just take a breather.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I want to go and check on the food.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33But the main thing is, it is in fact a bead-filled,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36hand-stitched and/or crocheted sack, not a ball.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Hence the name, Hacky Sack.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Well, on this particular occasion, I might be prepared to compromise.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46We could have a sign that says, "No ball or sack games".
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Right, and so to the vote. If you'd all like to take a voting slip and rank your candidates
0:22:52 > 0:22:54in order of preference, we can get this wrapped up quickly.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06And the results are...
0:23:07 > 0:23:08...one vote for Geoff.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Got this in the bag.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11One vote for Giles.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Speech.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19And...one rather crudely drawn picture of a penis side on.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Oh.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Spoilt ballot.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Vote rejected. A draw.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Existing chairperson remains.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28And that person is...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32..little old me.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Not according to article eight, section F.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- What?- Even a blithering idiot knows that a tied ballot leads to
0:23:39 > 0:23:41a single transferable vote.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43So we move on to our second options.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Now, one vote for Kate.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oh, two votes for Kate.
0:23:49 > 0:23:54And... Oh, a rather crudely drawn picture of a penis side on.
0:23:54 > 0:24:00Which still doesn't count, so I think that means the winner is...little old me!
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Now, let's talk about that lift.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Owen, this is a disaster.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I can't relax.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10She brought up marking and now I can't think about anything else.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- Zonal or man-to-man?- What?- Well, if you want my opinion, the problem
0:24:13 > 0:24:15with man-to-man is that you can't afford to switch off, but there's
0:24:15 > 0:24:17no doubt it is more effective from set pieces.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20No, marking my kissing with a score.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22I don't think I'm coming across as very relaxed.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Right, OK, has she seen the chest bunker yet?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27- No.- Well, then, there's still hope.
0:24:27 > 0:24:32You need to remember what I told you, it is about confidence and I believe in you.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Did you or did you not nail that last date?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Yeah, I did, yeah. - Good. And have you,
0:24:37 > 0:24:39or have you not, lost over half a stone in liquid?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Yeah, I'm seriously dehydrated.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I haven't needed a piss since Homes Under The Hammer.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Oh, that's 12 hours ago. Congratulations.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48You are at your fighting weight, you have earned this.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Yes, I have.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Remember what I told you, this woman likes confidence, sexual confidence.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55It is now or never.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57You need to get out there, cos this is your one opportunity
0:24:57 > 0:25:00to sleep with someone way above your paygrade.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04As soon as you get a chance, you need to say something sexually explosive, OK?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06OK, OK, I'm going to do it.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07All right, I'll see you later.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08..Not very likely, milady!
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Chuckle Bucket last week, with Josh.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Yes, hi, how are you?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- Shall I get us a drink? - Yeah, pint of lager, please, love.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17She was there, thought Josh was shit.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"Oh, yoghurt problems."
0:25:19 > 0:25:20- Well... - Loved my stuff.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23One of the perks of the job, copping off with audience members.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Just time for a drink and then we'll be heading back to mine
0:25:27 > 0:25:28to ink the contract.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31I think it's going to be mind-blowing, she's one of those sex bloggers.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Oh...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Oh!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Oh, what's her blog called?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Miss Naughty of North London. Look it up.
0:25:38 > 0:25:43I imagine me and my massive wang will be featuring pretty heavily tomorrow.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Oh, what's the worst that can happen?
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Pasta's ready.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Great. - Let's hope so.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Yeah, pasta's my favourite.
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Good to hear.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05But I don't want to eat your pasta.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06I want to eat your pussy.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10I'm sorry?
0:26:11 > 0:26:17I said, I don't want to eat your pasta, I want to eat...your pussy.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19What?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I'd rather not say it again.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Why would you say it at all?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I was being sexually explosive.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28- Were you? - Yeah, it's meant to be flattering.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29How is that flattering?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Because I love pasta, but in this situation, it comes a distant second.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37We barely know each other, that is a disgusting thing to say.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Look, I know you're Miss Naughty of North London. I've read your blog.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I'm not a blogger, I'm a teacher.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Yeah, by day maybe, but by night the mortarboard comes off and on goes the...
0:26:47 > 0:26:48sex hat.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50What is a sex hat?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I don't know, you're the sex writer.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I am not a sex writer, I write Sherlock Holmes fan fiction.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- So you're not Miss Naughty? - No!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Ah, well, there has been a dreadful mix-up.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03It's quite funny, actually...
0:27:03 > 0:27:06To quote the Evening Standard, "This is not funny."
0:27:06 > 0:27:08No, it is, because my flatmate thought it was you,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11so we went on your blog to work out how to make you like me.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I did like you, Josh.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16That's why I came over to you at the gig, I thought you were funny.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17I liked how nervous you were, I liked you.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Well, the good news is, that's the real me.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25No. The real you is a creepy internet stalker that goes round people's houses
0:27:25 > 0:27:27and makes inappropriate comments about the...
0:27:27 > 0:27:28pasta.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30I think you should leave.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- But it wasn't me, it was Owen... - Just... Just get out.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Could I just get a glass of water?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- I am dangerously dehydrated. - No.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47# Sexy Everything about you... #
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Thanks for this, Kate.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50All part of the new regime.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Come to Daddy!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Yes! Ho-ho!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Oh!
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Ah.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- Getting there. One more. - Yeah.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- Bit rusty. - Try again.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08One...
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- KATE LAUGHS - Too hard.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15# ..Work it a little Get hot just a little
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Meet me in the middle
0:28:18 > 0:28:23# Let go just a little bit more Just a little bit
0:28:23 > 0:28:27# Give me just a little bit more
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# Let me
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# I'll do anything if you just let me
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# Come on, baby
0:28:37 > 0:28:41# Find a way to make you explore... #