0:00:17 > 0:00:19So, er...
0:00:20 > 0:00:23..what you been up to since I last saw you?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Well, I've contracted lower back pain,
0:00:25 > 0:00:29which means I have to sit on a large inflatable ball at the desk in the office.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32I've been told it looks like I have a massive pile.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33I'm sure it doesn't, mate.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37People call me Space Hopper, which hurts, cos I've put on weight.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39No, you haven't. You look exactly the same.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42My sister's just had a little girl, and because of my back,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44I can't even bend over and pick her up.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45I have to just pat her on the head.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I think she finds it patronising, even at her age.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Are you expecting a call, or...? - No, no, no.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Just checking the night's still young, which it is.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Glad to see we've only been here 20 minutes.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Are you getting reception?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Oh, my phone never gets any reception.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Not that anyone ever rings.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Only time I've had to give a ring back was when Judy divorced me.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Oh, well, count yourself lucky. I only get those PPI calls.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Even they don't ring any more.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Got removed from the list.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Their request, not mine.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Still, at least there's Saturday to look forward to.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Saturday?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24My birthday. You are coming?
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Saturday? S... Oh, no, not Saturday.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Er, I'm afraid I'm going to Chessington World Of Adventures.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- Really?- Yeah, yeah. Owen's got those Fastrack passes.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34They're actually more affordable than you think.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- You get these vouchers on the back of Frosties... - No, I mean, Owen.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I've already sent him the invite and he's accepted for both of you, so...
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- Has he?- Yeah. Do you think you got your dates mixed up?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- It's the only explanation I can imagine.- So you can come?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Yeah.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Great! Bump buds forever.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Bump!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Cheers for not responding to my rescue text(!)
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I just had to spend an entire evening with Pete.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05What, the depressed potato?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Yeah, he's worse than ever. He's got a bad back.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09He told me he might have to take a second job
0:02:09 > 0:02:13because every time he drops his wallet, he can't lean over and pick it up.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Well, how does he do up his shoelaces?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, he lies on the floor and does them in the foetal position.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh, my God, it never rains but it pours.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21So where was my rescue call?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22I didn't get your text, mate.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oh, you liar. I got a read report.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Read report? You're such a dweeb!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I'm surprised he's not trying to shake YOU off.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31He has enough problems shaking off his shoes.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Look, if you don't like spending time with him, just stop seeing him.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36No, cos I'm a good friend. It's my thing.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I don't just get rid of someone when I realise they're a bell-end.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- That's why I'm still friends with you.- Look, just dump him.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I can't. Everyone else has deserted him.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Me and Owen are the only two loyalists left.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- Mm.- It's like when Neighbours went to Channel 5.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Owen, did you loosen the top on the pepper pot this morning?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I've said before, mate, I have no issue with you discussing masturbation,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01but please don't use your twee-phemisms.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I'm afraid the guilty party is here, your honour.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Just getting some practice in.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Sophie's coming round today. It's going to be absolutely mental.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- Oh, God. - So who is Sophie?
0:03:09 > 0:03:14Oh, Sophie's my partner in crime from school. We were an absolute nightmare.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15People used to call us "the prankers".
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Do you think you might've misheard them?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Oh, we were constantly pranking everyone.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20No, you weren't.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Er, yes, we were.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23What about when Sophie cut an inch
0:03:23 > 0:03:25off every single metre stick in the whole school?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Or when she told me they'd dropped the transparent pencil case rule
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and I had to resit my Geography GCSE?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34She once put a fake plastic turd under my chair in Maths
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and everyone accused me of having shat myself.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I mean, come on, it would've had to pass through my trousers
0:03:38 > 0:03:41and a solid plastic seat and remained intact.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43I'm not a magician.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44They called him Harry Poo-dini.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46So it was Sophie who did all the pranks?
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Er, no! Lid off the pepper pot in the canteen - that was me.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52They didn't call me Dr Pepper cos I was misunderstood.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54No, it was cos no-one liked you.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh, that's her.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- She's really annoying, right? - Absolutely insufferable.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Six extra large pepperoni pizzas for a Kate Boner?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Oh, my God!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- It's started already. - Are you Kate Boner?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12The funniest thing is, I don't even like pepperoni!
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Sorry, have I got the wrong address?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Ahhh! Gotcha!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Get me a pizza slice, Miss Boner, I'm starving.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Oh, Sophie!
0:04:20 > 0:04:24- Oh, I got ya! Got ya good. - Oh, you sure did.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25That'll be 57 quid.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I can't believe you didn't tell me about Pete's party.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I didn't want you to shoot the messenger.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Unless that messenger was Pete - I'd be absolutely fine with that.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Oh, God, it's going to be awful, isn't it?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Oh, terrible. That's why I'm not going.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45You're not going? He thinks you are.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Yeah, I know that, but I do this all the time.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50I tell him I'm going, and I flake out at the last minute.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Shows I care, but I don't actually have to attend.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55What kind of friend does that? You've gotta go.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Nah, I haven't seen him for years.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- I've moved our friendship online. - What do you mean?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Oh, well, three hearts on Instagram's basically an afternoon coffee.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04A couple of Snapchats is a night out on the town.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I retweet him in the middle of the night so nobody notices,
0:05:07 > 0:05:11then in the morning, I hide the evidence by sending out a couple of satirical puns.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12That's not friendship.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14That is friendship in the digital age.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18To be honest, I see him as more of a Tamagotchi than a person.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Unbelievable. - Oh, here's another tip for you.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23If you don't want to attend, you send a present instead.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I didn't want to go to his wedding, so I told him
0:05:25 > 0:05:27that I'd cut myself whittling a love spoon,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30then bought a ladle off Amazon, sent that instead - job done.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33It wouldn't cost much for you to just pop your head in at the party.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37How am I going to do that? Swim up the Norfolk broads and just stick my head through a porthole?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- What? - You do realise
0:05:39 > 0:05:42that the party is on a boat in the middle of nowhere for the whole weekend?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45But it's a massive Super Sunday.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48It's the battle to see who's the best Ham, West or Totten.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51If you're going to persist with this bizarre, archaic ritual
0:05:51 > 0:05:53of actually seeing our friends,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56you've gotta accept there are going to be Super Sunday-related consequences.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- So funny!- No, I'm not saying it wasn't funny.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07I'm just not really in the position to be paying £57 for six extra-large pizzas.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08But it was funny, though, wasn't it?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Yeah, well... Well, maybe we could split the cost.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14No! You paying is part of the prank! Don't you get it?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Oh, yeah, I know! No, I totally get it.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19That's why I was laughing with him all the way to the cashpoint!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23And then to the next one cos that one was out of order. It was...
0:06:23 > 0:06:24It was a really funny half-hour.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Oh...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29By the way, um, am I OK to stay over for a couple of nights?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31My mum's in hospital, and...
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Oh, God, I'm so sorry to hear that.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Oh, fine. Huh!
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Ah! Is this another one of your pranks?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40Are you joking?
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Are you?!
0:06:42 > 0:06:46- No, Kate, there are some things you don't prank about. - Oh, God, OK, sorry.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- BREATHES IN SHARPLY - Tell you what will cheer me up.
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Let's do some prank calls.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Prank calls? Really?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- Yeah, like the old days.- Oh, my God, yeah, like the old days.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02You dial a random number and I'll just say whatever comes into my head.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Random.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Ohhh! - Ah! Here you go.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Hello, madam. Um, sorry to disturb you, but I'm calling from the RSPCA.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Um, we have had worrying reports
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- about how you're treating your beaver.- Ah!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Are you aware how often you need to wash it?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- You don't have a beaver? - Ohh!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Well, then you need to consult a doctor immediately.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24BOTH LAUGH
0:07:25 > 0:07:28The prankers are back.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- Right, now you try it. - Ohh!
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- No, I don't think I could top that beaver joke.- Oh, no, trust me, you'll come up with something.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36One random dial.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- Oh, God.- Oh, it's ringing, ringing, ringing.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Oh, hello, madam. Um, I'm just calling from the RSPCA.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Um, we've had some reports
0:07:44 > 0:07:48that you've been flashing your boobs in the local park, to the swans.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh, hi, Mum.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Oh, God.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55No, I've dialled the wrong number.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57No, I don't have a job at the RSPCA.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Yes, I'm still temping. Look, Mum, I'm going through a tunnel now, so I have to go.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03OK, bye. Bye. Bye.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Gotcha!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Ah-ha!
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Pete! - Those stairs were tougher than I'd hoped. Then again, I am fat, so...
0:08:18 > 0:08:19So, er,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- what brings you here? - Can I come in?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Yep.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30HE GROANS
0:08:36 > 0:08:38HE GROANS
0:08:42 > 0:08:44HE SIGHS Why are you here, Pete?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I wanted to discuss your pirate outfit for Saturday.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- What? - Did Owen not explain the theme?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- No. - Well, in that case, I've got some exciting news for you.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54The party's pirate themed?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Oh... I was looking forward to telling you that.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Not had much to look forward to recently.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Of course.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Here's your invitation. - Thanks.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09"Rule one, ye must bring flagons of ye own grog.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11"Rule two, all buccaneers must arrive on time.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15"The galleon won't leave terra firma until all shipmates are on deck.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17"Rule three, I'll be cooking burritos,
0:09:17 > 0:09:21"so please let me know if you want chicken or Quorn, me hearties."
0:09:22 > 0:09:23What the hell are you doing?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Measuring you up for your tricorn hat.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Oh, I'm not really a hats person.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Check rule four.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"Rule four, dress code. Pirate up..."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- You're not reading it properly. - PIRATE ACCENT:- "Rule four, dress code.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36"Pirate up for ye high seas.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39"Please provide ye head size for ye tricornered hat."
0:09:39 > 0:09:40- NORMAL VOICE:- Blimey, that is a big head.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43It's just a slightly larger than average skull.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44It's hereditary on my father's side.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Oh, I suppose. You are a comedian, so... that could be funny.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Yeah, I suppose.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50HE GROANS
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Anyway, Pete, I've got chores to be doing,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06so I suppose you're going to have to make tracks, if that's OK?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Pete? Chores?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12HE GROANS
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Really means a lot, you coming to this, Josh.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18- See you later, mate. - Bye.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Owen, you have to get me out of Pete's party.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Morning, Kate.- Oh, Geoff, what the hell are you doing here?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Your friend Sophie let me in and made me a cup of tea.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Although, I must say, it tastes slightly salty, which is weird,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42cos I saw her putting six teaspoons full of sugar in.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Why are you drinking it like that?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47HE SLURPS
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Well, since I put it down, I haven't been able to lift it off the table.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Has someone spilt superglue?
0:10:51 > 0:10:55But don't worry. I'll be out of here as soon as I find my shoes.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57How have you lost your shoes?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Sophie told me to take them off and relax. I nipped to the toilet.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Next thing I knew, they'd gone. - Right, what did they look like?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Oh, beige Hush Puppies, size nine.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Yeah, I think that's them.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10What? I didn't leave them there.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Yeah, I think Sophie's probably glued them up there as a prank. Sorry, she's like this.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Well, it's a bit of a mean prank, Kate. They're my best shoes.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Well, it's not just you. This morning, she put bangers in my slippers.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- What, sausages?- No, those little things that explode.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Sausages. I know how you feel, Kate. My brother pranks me all the time.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Last Christmas Eve,
0:11:28 > 0:11:29- - he locked me in the garden shed. - And then what?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- He let me out. - Right.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32On Boxing Day.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34That's not a prank, Geoff.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Well, if it's not a prank, why was he laughing so much?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37He's always pranking me.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Another time, he gave me a scratchcard for a present.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41I won £100,000.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43That's amazing.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46No, it was a fake card, Kate. He got it from a joke shop.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48And the trouble is, by the time he told me that,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I'd already put a deposit down on a Triumph Herald.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Oh, I'm sorry about that, Geoff.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58No! No, the joke was on him, because my mum made him buy the car.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I mean, he can afford it - he's a millionaire.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02He just added it to his fleet of sports cars.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07But between you and me, I knew he didn't really want a fifth sports car.
0:12:07 > 0:12:091-0, Geoff.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Your brother's a millionaire?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Yep.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Doesn't pay a penny in tax, though.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Claims he's based in the Cayman Islands. Silly idiot.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18His homes are in London, New York and Barbados.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I mean, just makes him look stupid.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22HE SLURPS
0:12:29 > 0:12:32You, my friend, have a free weekend.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34You're back in the box seat for Super Sunday.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36You bloody little hero! What did you say?
0:12:36 > 0:12:41I told Pete I can't go because I have mumps, which is contagious for 96 hours.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42And?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- And he bought it. - But what about me?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Well, I've told him you can still go.- You told him what?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Don't worry about it. It'll be fine.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51But you've sold me down the river, literally.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Well, firstly, it's a canal.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56And, secondly, you have so much still to learn.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59If we pulled out of this together, it would look deeply, deeply suspicious.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00But what am I meant to do?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It's simple. You sleep soundly in your bed for 12 hours.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Then you dispatch a text to say that you've woken up riddled with mumps.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08If anything, I'm being generous.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I mean, the second drop-out's always easiest because they're braced for it.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Just, er... Just look at Mutya and the Sugababes.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I don't remember Mutya leaving the Sugababes.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Exactly, because you were braced for it.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Isn't mumps a kids' disease?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Oh, big time. And who's got a new niece? Pete.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24There's no way he's going to let us come.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Oh, my God! Thank you, Owen.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Do you know when he was on Saturday Kitchen,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37James Martin used to deep-freeze the leftovers?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39He didn't do a big shop for ten years.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Ocado thought he'd died.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44OK, here it is - the text is written.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Oh, God, what if he doesn't buy it?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Hit me.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52"Hi, Pete, I'm so sorry, but I've caught mumps from Owen, so I can't come.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54"Absolutely gutted. Have a great weekend."
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Couldn't have written it better myself. - TEXT SENT ALERT
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I've sent it. It's gone.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01I can't believe it was this easy.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05I'm telling you, friendship in the digital age is a glorious, simple thing.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- It hasn't delivered. - Shit. Well, try holding the phone above your head.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10No, I've got reception. It just isn't getting through.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Has Pete tried holding the phone above his head?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Do you want me to answer that? - I'll call him.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- HOARSELY:- Hey, Pete. It's, er... It's Owen, AKA Stig Of The Mumps.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Hope you have a good birthday, mate, and enjoy the Norfolk broads.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Or as I call them, the local women.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Anyway, er, as I said, happy birthday.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Oh, my neck.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- It went straight to answerphone. - No shit?!
0:14:36 > 0:14:37God, he's probably on the boat already, isn't he?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41I bet the reception's awful on the Norfolk broads. You should've thought about this.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42This was your plan.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Let's not start pointing fingers. Just try sending the text again later.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47No, don't you remember?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50"The galleon won't leave terra firma until all shipmates are on deck."
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Yes, rule two.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55They'll be waiting all day. I'll be responsible for ruining the party.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57This is quite a pickle you've got yourself into.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I didn't get myself into this pickle. You pickled me.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I didn't mean to pickle you. I gave you the sweet spot.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- You got to be Mutya Buena. - Well, what am I going to do?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Simple. You go for one night,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08and then on morning two, I'll send you a rescue text.
0:15:08 > 0:15:09I won't have reception.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Oh, bloody hell, this is a pickle.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Oh, well, I'm going to have to go, aren't I? If I'm going, you are coming with me.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18No way, mate. I've got the mumps, haven't I? I'm very infectious.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I'll text you updates from Super Sunday.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21I won't have any reception!
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Yes, the aforementioned pickle.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I'm here! Sorry I'm late.
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Pete, I've made it.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34At last! We assumed you weren't coming. Still waited.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37If I had more friends, we'd have set sail without you, but I don't, so we waited.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40It was Owen's fault. I had to go and get him mumps cream.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Don't go bad-mouthing Owen. He's sent a crate of grog from his sickbed.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Of course he has.- And he retweeted my picture of my birthday dinner.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48He even got out of bed at 2am to do it. He's one of the good guys.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Anyway, you're here now.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Hat, eye patch,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- and then we can get going. - It's a bit tight, isn't it?
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Really?
0:15:55 > 0:15:56I'm sure it'll give.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Right, let the merriment begin.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Ha-harrrrr! Arrrr! Here be your grog!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Good to see you, Simon.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- PIRATE ACCENT:- Ah, pirate accents only on deck, matey.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11I'm not very good at a pirate accent.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Rules is rules, me hearty.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16That they be!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Interesting fact - the traditional pirate accent
0:16:18 > 0:16:21is actually a misrepresentation from Disney movies,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25so my voice is probably closer to the truth.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Well, in that case, we should probably all stop doing it, then.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Pity, cos we were all really enjoying it.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- We were really enjoying it, yeah. - Yeah.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36PIRATE ACCENT: Arr, I be a pedantic pirate.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Arrr!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Me hearties in the galley! We're all aboard. Time to weigh anchor.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45ALL BUT JOSH: Arr!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Arr!
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Arr!- Arr!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56We tried to get the shoes off the ceiling with a broom,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58but then the broom handle stuck to his hands.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59My God, she's good.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01And then the shoe stuck to the broom,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I tried to remove the shoe, and then I got stuck to the shoe.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05We had to order a six-seater to go to A&E.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08That is a plastic shit away from the perfect prank.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10No worries there - she'd glued one inside the shoe.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13When the doctor found it, he looked at me like I'd done it.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Oh, she thinks of everything.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Yeah. She used to impress me, and now it just feels mean.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Do you know what your problem is?
0:17:19 > 0:17:20- You're such a victim. - DOORBELL RINGS
0:17:20 > 0:17:23You need to stand up to her, start pranking her back,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25otherwise you'll be the prankee forever.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Do you know what, Owen? You're right.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Geoff, why are you here so early?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Bringing your broom back.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Oh.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh, just put it there.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42I'll bill Sophie for it when she wakes up.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I bet that prankster's already up.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46All she'd need is a mannequin and a cassette tape of snoring.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Morning, Owen. - Morning.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Have you not seen Ferris Wheel's Day Off?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52My brother used to pull that trick.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55There I was thinking he was having a lie-in, whereas in fact,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57he was putting itching powder in my eczema cream.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58He's a classic prankster.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Well, on behalf of all of us victims,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I've decided today is the day I'm going to prank her back.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Oh!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Well, now, if that's your jam, you've come to the right man,
0:18:06 > 0:18:07cos I'm full of ideas.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08OK. Well, what have you got?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09A whoopee cushion?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Not good enough.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14A whoopee cushion with a stink bomb in it.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15OK, bigger than that.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19A whoopee cushion with an actual poo in it.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Oh, how would you do that?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Cautiously.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- PETE:- Of course, the future's all in virtual reality.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31For example, I can get a headset that'll map my living room to your headset.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35And then it'll scan your sofa to my...living room,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37and I can come in and sit next to you.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39No, hang on. No, this...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41You'd have to be on your sofa,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43my headset would be scanning your lounge, and I could come in...
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Oh, no, what is it?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47People think that being an optician is all about glass.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50But we're actually doing some really exciting new stuff
0:18:50 > 0:18:53with impact-resistant polycarbonate plastics.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56In fact, when I lose my glasses now, I say,
0:18:56 > 0:19:00"Has anyone seen my impact-resistant polycarbonate plastics?"
0:19:00 > 0:19:01HE LAUGHS
0:19:04 > 0:19:08I have to be on my sofa, and then that scans...and I can come and...
0:19:08 > 0:19:09No. Or is it...?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12You're on your sofa and I'm on my sofa, and then...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Ohh.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Right, OK, who am I now? Who am I now? Who am I now?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- INDISCERNIBLE ACCENT:- Oh, that is lovely.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22That is lovely.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24That is... That is lovely.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25- Who's that? - I... I don't know.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28These are...are lovely.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- I don't know who it is. - These are...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- These... These are lovely. - I don't know who it is.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- These are lovely. These are lovely. - No, look, just tell me.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36- These are lovely. - Tell me!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- I'm not telling you. These are l... - Tell me!
0:19:39 > 0:19:40It's Gregg Wallace.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43- SOPHIE:- Oh!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Oh, it's been so much fun. It's really taken my mind off things.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Oh, that's great. - Ha!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I mean, your face when you didn't realise it was a prank!
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Which time?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Well, just every time, really. - Yeah!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Gotcha! - Oh!
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Ah! Oh, um, before you go,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05I just nipped to the supermarket to get you a little goodbye gift.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It's not much. I just thought it'd be a bit of fun.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Oh, thank you, Kate!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- Go on!- Oh! Mm!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Fingers crossed.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Ahh!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- Ooh! Hello! - Ohh!
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Oh!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Oh, my God! I've won!
0:20:22 > 0:20:23No way!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Oh! Seriously, I've won 100 grand!
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Ah, no way!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Oh, my God! This is life-changing.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30Oh! Oh, my God.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Oh, well, before you ring anyone,
0:20:31 > 0:20:35there's just one thing I should probably tell you that's quite important.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Mum, you're not going to believe this. We have the money for your operation.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Oh.- No, I'm not joking. I won on a scratchcard.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43You're going to get your new kidney.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Oh, look, I'd better thank Kate. She's the one that bought it for me.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50I know, isn't she amazing?! Look, I'll come and see you now.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Yeah, I love you, too.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53I love you.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Oh, Kate, I don't know how I can ever repay you.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Um... Er...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Oh! Good one! You got me.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Sorry?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10You calling your mum. I've been pranked, right?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Sorry?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Cos you knew it was a fake scratchcard.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Fake...? Fake scratchcard?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Yeah, and that's why you were pranking me about your mum...needing a kidney?
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Oh, my God.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I can't believe this.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Kate, I told you before, there are some things you don't prank about.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Oh, God. - How am I going to tell her?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Oh...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41So as I said on the phone, Mrs Robinson,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I am so, so sorry, and it was only ever meant as a joke.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Well, why would you do that?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Obviously, I didn't want this to happen. I didn't...
0:21:49 > 0:21:50I wasn't aware of your condition.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52It's such a shame.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Just when Mum thought she was going to get her operation.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58If there's anything I can do to make this better, then please, please tell me.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Well, actually, there is one thing.- Honestly, anything.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04I need a kidney.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Oh!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Um... Well, I...
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- Well, I'm not...I'm not sure if... - BOTH SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER
0:22:12 > 0:22:13Gotcha!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Pranked!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Oh, my God! Oh, my God, this is all a prank.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Of course it was!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Oh, my God, so you're not ill at all?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Oh, no, I am ill, very much so.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25OK.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28But I don't want your kidney. It probably wouldn't even be a match.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Oh, God, I am so sorry. That must be awful.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Gotcha again! - Again! Again!
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Pranked!
0:22:39 > 0:22:40So everything's fine?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44No, actually, I have got a serious illness.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Well, why would you say that you didn't?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48The pranks cheer her up.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Right, of course. Sorry.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Yeah.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Thrice pranked, sire!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- OK... - Just for your merriment.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Too easy! - What? I don't... What?
0:23:01 > 0:23:05# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow
0:23:05 > 0:23:07# For he's a jolly good fell-ow
0:23:07 > 0:23:10# And so say all of us. #
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Arr!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13To Owen, for top notch grog!
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Ha-harr! And all pirates should join in the songs from now on,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19or else ye will be walking the plank.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I'm just going to nip for a piss, OK?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Ye shall not pass unless ye talk like a pirate.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I'll just go to the toilet. I'll talk like a pirate when I get back.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30And where be your eye patch, ya filthy sea dog?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I took it off. It was affecting my depth perception.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Pirates don't worry about health and safety.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I'm not a pirate. I live just off the Holloway Road.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Ye be a negative ship hand, Joshua.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Cap'n Owen would've joined in with ye crew.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- No, he wouldn't. - Mutiny! Disrespecting Cap'n Owen.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- Throw him in Davy Jones's locker. - Arr!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Captain Owen? Are you kidding me?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53He had no interest in joining in. That's why he didn't show up.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54He has mumps.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Oh, come on, that's just what he said cos he didn't want to come on this trip.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I'm the real friend here - I actually came. I should be the captain.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04PHONE BEEPS
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- It's from you! - What?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08It's from this morning.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Oh, no, you don't need to read that. Just ignore that.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- PIRATE ACCENT:- "Hi, Pete, I'm so sorry, but I've caught mumps..."
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- NORMAL VOICE:- "...from Owen, so I can't come. Absolutely gutted. Have a great day."
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Arr!
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Feeling better now.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25You didn't want to come.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28No, I did. It's just...I've got mumps.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- You blaggard. - What?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31It means "liar" in pirate.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I'm not a liar. I do have mumps.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Look, I didn't want to be the hero,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38but unlike Owen, I wanted to be here.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Mumps is very contagious. It's so selfish of you to come here and expose us all.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Selfish? I've gone above and beyond to be on this boat,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46and now you're acting like I'm the bad guy.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I've got a new niece, mate. What if I give her mumps?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50She already doesn't like me.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51You're a...
0:24:51 > 0:24:54shit friend, and I wish you hadn't come, Josh.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Look, Pete,
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I am sorry, but I was just trying to be a loyal friend.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I know I was late, and I know I don't Snapchat you enough,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07but I have taken the weekend off to be here.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I have listened to Simon list every death in Game Of Thrones.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13That's friendship.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I thought we were meant to be bump buds forever.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Bump.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Bump buds forever.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Arr?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Arr. - Arr.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35Arr.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Arrrr!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Arrrr!
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Here's to a great weekend with real mates!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Exactly. ALL: Arrrr!
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Ha-ha! Just a shame these landlubbers are jumping ship in half a mile.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48What?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Oh, yeah, we're just poking our heads in, really. Driving back to London tonight.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53We didn't want to miss the huge Super Sunday tomorrow.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55It's the battle of the Hams.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I assumed it'd just be me for the next two days,
0:25:58 > 0:25:59but it appears I've got myself a shipmate.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Here's to Cap'n Josh! Ha-harr!
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Ha-harr!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Ha-harr!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08ALL BUT JOSH IMITATE PIRATES
0:26:12 > 0:26:14SEA SHANTY MUSIC
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Kate. - Hey, Geoff.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- I just wanted to say thank you. - For what?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Your decision to prank back your friend
0:26:22 > 0:26:24inspired me to finally prank back my brother.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Not with the whoopee cushion and the...?
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Close.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I reported him to the Inland Revenue for his tax evasion schemes.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35He's currently under investigation, with a potential fine of £3 million.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37He's already had to sell most of his cars!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Geoff, that is not a prank.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Well, if it's not a prank, Kate, why am I laughing so much?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45SEA SHANTY MUSIC CONTINUES