0:00:15 > 0:00:17- How's the writing going? - Not good.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21- What's that?- That is a picture of an elephant
0:00:21 > 0:00:24- that looks like Michael Carrick.- Oh!
0:00:24 > 0:00:25You're good at trunks.
0:00:25 > 0:00:29- Thank you.- Hey, if you're struggling to write material,
0:00:29 > 0:00:30why don't you become an impressionist?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- Not my scene.- Do you know what?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34I'm from a long line of impressionists,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37my great-great-great-grandad did the first-ever impression.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38No, he didn't.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Yes, he did. It was a superb William Pitt the Younger.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42The Whigs lapped it up.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Oh! Here's one for you!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- IRISH ACCENT:- If you'd pass me a guitar, I'd play something.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49- Bono?- No.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51- The Edge. - Oh, you're jokin', aren't ya?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53It's Jim Corr, who played guitar in The Corrs.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Do you know what? I'm going to write at home.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Oh, no problem. I'll see you later.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- IRISH ACCENT:- Look, half a blueberry muffin. No-one tips in this country,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03they've got eyes bigger than their stomachs and arms shorter than their pockets.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I'm hungry, there's just something about cheese and pickle... Hello.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08- AMERICAN ACCENT:- Hi, can I get a soya latte?- Yeah, coming right up.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I hope you don't mind me saying, but I love your accent.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Oh, much... Much obliged.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You're Irish, right?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Am I Irish?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Um... Yeah, yeah.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21I'm Irish.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Take a seat, I'll bring it over.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Oh, Kate, have you got any stale bread?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37What?! No.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I'll also accept seeds or mealworms.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And why do you need mealworms?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Cos I am nursing a sick bird back to health.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Ah, like that old bloke from Shawshank Redemption?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Yeah. But let's hope I don't go the same way as him -
0:01:49 > 0:01:52no-one wants to see "Geoff was here" scratched into a beam.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Not least because it will impact on the value of the property.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57OK, well, don't give the birds stale bread -
0:01:57 > 0:01:59the mould can make them sick.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01You need fresh bread soaked in milk.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02How do you know that?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Look, keep it to yourself, but when I was a teenager,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08I joined an ornithology club.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Wow.- I just did it to flesh out my Ucas form.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Just don't tell Josh and Owen.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Why not? That is the coolest thing I've ever heard
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- and I've heard Lose Yourself by Eminem.- It's not cool.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22It is. He won the rap battle against Papa Doc.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Thank you so much for this, it's very gentlemanly of you.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Oh, don't worry - what are neighbours for?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Well, it's such a blessing having a strapping young man like you
0:02:34 > 0:02:36turning up! So, what do you do -
0:02:36 > 0:02:39weightlifter, international strongman...
0:02:39 > 0:02:40beach hunk?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42No, no, no, I'm a comedian.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Oh, that must be lovely making people laugh in the evenings.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49You're writing all your new jokes at home during the day...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Yeah, yeah.- You must have so many funny jokes.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- So, is this you?- The fourth floor, right up the top.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59- Of course.- Follow me.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00I am, yep.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05What was in the box?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Well, I couldn't ask, I was in too much pain.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10But I guess an anvil.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12if it was that heavy, you should have just said something.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I can't do that, Violet's a lovely old lady.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16And possible blacksmith.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Ooh, Home Alone 2.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20I actually think this is better than the first one.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22No, that bird woman's weird.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- What do you mean by that?- Sorry?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25DOOR CLOSES
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- IRISH ACCENT:- Then Roy Keane told Mick McCarthy to stick it up his bollocks,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- which obviously can't be done. - Who's Roy Keane?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34He's the greatest midfielder who ever lived, but then, I might say that, I'm biased.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Why are there people in our house?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Hey, guys!
0:03:37 > 0:03:41- Oh, hi.- Hi.- This is Josh and this is Kate.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Hi, guys!- Hi!- This is, er, Lauren, she's moved over from the Big Apple.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Right, and where have you moved from?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Well, Cork in Ireland. You know that, Josh, come on.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Um, do you mind if I...?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Of course, it's through there, you can't miss it.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Sorry. Sorry, why are you talking like an Irishman?
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Well, I think national identity's an increasingly fluid concept
0:04:07 > 0:04:10in today's day and age. Like, look at John Barrowman - is he American,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13is he Scottish? Who cares? He's a consummate entertainer.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Sorry, I'll ask again. Why are you speaking in an Irish accent?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- NORMAL ACCENT:- All right, there's an off chance that when I first met
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Lauren, I was talking in an Irish accent and there's an off chance
0:04:26 > 0:04:28that she absolutely loved it, and there's an off chance
0:04:28 > 0:04:30that when we went for a drink,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I had no option other than to keep it up.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Oh! Oh, dear, that is amazing!
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Oh, we'll be fine, I'm good at doing accents,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I can keep it going for a few dates.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40What about after that?
0:04:40 > 0:04:41What do you mean?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Owen, some relationships go on for longer than three dates.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- IRISH ACCENT:- Well, I think we can cross that bridge when we come to it.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Right, would you like that Baileys I promised ya?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52OK, off we go to the bar!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Got any ideas?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Something about cornflakes.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Spoons.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Oh...
0:05:14 > 0:05:17It's a pity. Did I tell you I'm something great
0:05:17 > 0:05:18with that spoons stuff?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, God.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"Murder On The Leyton Orient Express."
0:05:28 > 0:05:30What does that even mean?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35That's the third package already for Violet today.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37It's not on, she's breaking the neighbour rules.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38What are the neighbour rules?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Well, one - a maximum of two packages taken in per month.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Number two - no hoovering or step aerobics after 9pm.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Three - if you enjoy sex, move your bed away from the wall.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Who doesn't enjoy sex?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Me, when Owen doesn't move his bed away from the wall.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57So why's she getting her packages delivered here?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00She's having her bathroom done and I said I'd take her deliveries in,
0:06:00 > 0:06:02but I didn't expect to become her Amazon pick-up point.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I'm just going forward and back to the door,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I feel like I'm doing a bleep test.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Bleep test.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15TV ON
0:06:16 > 0:06:18So, the teams put on a red or a blue fleece
0:06:18 > 0:06:21and then they have to go round an antiques fair
0:06:21 > 0:06:22and buy three items.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- IRISH ACCENT:- Then they take the items to auction
0:06:24 > 0:06:27and whatever profit they make, Tim Wonnacott gives them in cash.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30If they make a profit on all the items, they win a golden gavel.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31So what did that couple just win?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- 20 quid.- Did they win the gavel?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36No.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37- TV:- You have an unhealthy obsession
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- with Bargain Hunt, you two, I'm told.- Yes, I once dressed...
0:06:41 > 0:06:43You should get Netflix.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44PHONE RINGS
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Ooh, I'm going to get this.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Would you like us to pause it for you?- Um, I'm OK.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Hey! How are you?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54So, I've got a problem.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Is this about the Good Friday Agreement?
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Oh, sorry, force of habit.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59No, my problem is - Lauren is amazing.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02We've really clicked, we were talking all night.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Yeah, I could hear you. Sounded like an audience with Eamonn Holmes.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Albeit while he intermittently has sex with the guests.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10She's funny, she's interesting,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12she told me all about her life growing up in New York.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I told her all about mine.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Growing up in...Cork.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Sorry, have you gone insane?
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Oh, Carmarthen, Cork. What difference does it make?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22The facts remain the same, don't they?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24You know, I did go to a small school,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27I just played less hurling than I suggested.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Think I can keep this up for the rest of my life?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I reckon she might figure it out when she meets your parents.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Oh, no, I've thought about that and they're both very talented mimics.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Chinese takeaway in town gives Dad 15% off
0:07:36 > 0:07:39because they genuinely think he comes from Beijing.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42The problem is, he can't turn up to pick up the order.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Owen, that was my friend Siobhan.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47She wants to have a drink with us tonight and, surprise, surprise...
0:07:47 > 0:07:49she's from Cork as well.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Oh!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Oh, that sounds absolutely great.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56TV: That's what we're going for.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Are you going to spend the lot, then?- We hope to spend quite a bit...
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Kate, I've got a bit of a situation.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08If you've trapped yourself in your shoes again, I'm not helping you.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10You need to stop doing quadruple knots.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12No, it's that bird I was nursing back to health...
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Oh, no, has it died?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Worse, it's back to full strength and causing havoc in my house.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18How is it causing havoc?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20A fully fit swan is a powerful bird.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Sorry, you're nursing a swan back to health?
0:08:23 > 0:08:27And not a very grateful one, it's pecked my sideboard into next week.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Looks like my TV is on a block of Emmental.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31People will think I'm mentally unwell,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33especially when they factor in I live with a swan.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35It's not funny, Kate.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36It's terrifying.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Mm.- You know what a pigeon is like when it gets stuck in a room,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41imagine that but with four times the wingspan.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Yeah, I know, sorry, that does sound really bad.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45So you're the bird expert - what should I do?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49Uh! I'm not a bird expert, I just did a few after-school sessions.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I only attained the level of "Chaffinch", so...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You must have some ideas!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55You need to call the RSPB.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58I've done that, but there's an oil slick off the Kent coast.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I'm trying to break bread with a swan while they're dealing with
0:09:01 > 0:09:033,000 seagulls that look like the Fonz.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Just wait till they're available.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08They said it could be two weeks, I could be dead in two weeks, Kate!
0:09:08 > 0:09:09What if it attacks?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10I can't fight a swan.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12The Queen'll come down on me like a ton of bricks.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21DOORBELL RINGS
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- Hello, Josh. - Violet.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I think I've had a few packages delivered here.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Yeah, a few, yeah.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Ooh!
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Santa's been!
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Yeah.- Although you're on the naughty list and I'm on the nice one.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Oh, I hope it hasn't been an inconvenience for you.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41No, although I do need to be doing some writing
0:09:41 > 0:09:44and the deliveries can interfere with my flow.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Completely understand.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- Great.- It's vital you get your important comedy writing done.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Right.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Ah!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Can I help you with...? - Oh, thank you.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57I think I might struggle.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Yeah, great. OK.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Er, lift from the knees.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- Sorry.- I was worried about your poor technique yesterday.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Right, OK.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09That lot's a bit ambitious for your arms.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Let's maybe do them in several trips.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15- OK.- Fourth floor, right at the top.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- So, where are you from in Cork? - Yeah, I am.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26No, which bit?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Oh, sorry, I thought you were answering your own questions in,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- "Where am I from? In Cork." Anyway, did you see Bargain Hunt this morning?- No. No, I didn't.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Oh, that's a shame.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35So, where did you grow up?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, you know, the suburbs.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Which area?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- The east. - Oh, Sallybrook or Glanmire?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Glanmire, yeah, that's the one. Yeah, yeah.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46That's where I'm from!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh, of course you are!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Brilliant.- That's amazing!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- You'd thought you'd have crossed paths.- Yeah, you would.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- Which school did you go to? - Which school did you go to?
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Sorry, I really want to know.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58No, no, you first, I insist.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59No, no, you first.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- I insist.- Oh, I went to St Aloysius.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03No way? I went to St Aloysius!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Shut up?!- Yeah, but probably at a different time.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07It's a girls' school.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I know.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I got you there, a little bit of Cork humour style,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14and there'll be no more Cork in-jokes, I promise.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Right, I'm going to go and get a drink.- No, no, my round, actually.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- OK.- What are you guys having? - Murphy's, please.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Do you know what? I think I'll try one as well.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- Ooh!- Mm, nice.- Isn't this great?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26It's great, yes, brilliant, yeah, but do you mind if we go home?
0:11:26 > 0:11:27But we've only had one drink.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Yeah, well, um, I've got to be honest,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32all this Cork talk's actually making me a bit sad, so...
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought you'd like it.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Yeah, well, usually I would, I'd love it,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37but I can't afford to go back very often,
0:11:37 > 0:11:38so it's actually making me homesick.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Oh, Owen, that's so sweet.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Yeah, to be honest, even Siobhan's accent's making me a bit sad,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- so do you mind if we go? - Well, what about your Murphy's?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Uh, tell her to cancel it because it...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It tastes better in Ireland. See you outside.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Get me coat.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:03 > 0:12:05All right, mate, just dropping this off.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08One cashmere, pocket-sprung deluxe mattress.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I think you've got the wrong address.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Well, it says here, "Violet Robbins, care of flat seven."
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Care of! That's a bit much, isn't it?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I'm sure she'll let you have a go on it.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22I don't want to go on a mattress with a granny, I'm not...
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- Not what?- I was going to make a Wayne Rooney joke, but I lost faith.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Correct decision.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32If you are thinking of subletting the living room,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I will have you arrested.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42He's taken the upstairs, Kate.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Sorry? - The swan, I can't go up there.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Each time I try, he pecks me through the banisters,
0:12:47 > 0:12:50it's like that bit with the boxing gloves in Total Wipeout.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I need sleeping pills - have you got any?
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- No.- That's a pity, I thought I'd put some in his hot chocolate.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58You're giving him hot chocolate?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I've tried everything, Kate.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I even made a nest for him in the front room out of branches,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05but he won't come down from my bedroom.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07So I ended up sleeping in it myself.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11I haven't been this sleep deprived since the days of acid house.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12You were a raver?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I bought a flat above the Ministry of Sound.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18It was my fault, I thought they were government offices.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21OK, well, there's nothing I can do about this.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Well, can I at least use your toilet?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Mine's in enemy territory.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I can't go in the pond again, my carp hate me.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31They probably just think you're one of those fountains.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Fountains don't do what I was doing.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Oh!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Ooh, hello, sweetie!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Your mattress.- Oh, thank you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Aren't you an angel?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Don't suppose it was heavy, though.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Oh, lovely!
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I thought you said it was your bathroom you were getting done.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20It was, but it went so well, now I've moved on to the rest of the flat.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Right, and I notice you've put, "Care of flat seven".
0:14:23 > 0:14:24In case I was out.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- But you're in. - I might have been out.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- I might have been out. - Seems unlikely.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34No, it seemed sensible to send them to you, I'm out all the time!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Now, today I went to aqua aerobics,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39a tea morning and then I met Iris for a pint.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Yeah, it's just I do need to be writing.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Of course! Your precious comedy writing time.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Look, I know I said I'd take in your packages,
0:14:47 > 0:14:49but I did mean one or two a week,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51not, like, a full flat's worth, so...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53this is going to need to stop.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Well, I'm sorry, but that isn't going to happen.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Sorry?- I said that isn't going to happen.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03You're going to keep taking my deliveries whenever I need you to,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06otherwise you can kiss goodbye to your free Wi-Fi.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Sorry, what are you talking about?
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Do the words, "Violet's Internet Hub" ring any bells?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Yeah, it's what Owen called our Wi-Fi...
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Oh, God, we're using your Wi-Fi.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Yep. I gave your little Welsh friend the password,
0:15:18 > 0:15:22said you could all use my Wi-Fi as a favour when you moved in.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Well, now I'm calling that favour in.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Sorry, I... What?!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You keep collecting and delivering my packages...
0:15:31 > 0:15:33..or I'll change the password.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34No?!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37In fact, I've got a NutriBullet on the way and if there's so much as
0:15:37 > 0:15:39a chip on it, well, I'm sorry...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Sorry, what is this, The Godfather?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Oh, it's far worse.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45In The Godfather,
0:15:45 > 0:15:49they never threatened to rename their router Josh's Porn Box,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52so that everyone in the building could see.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55- You wouldn't dare.- Try me.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I don't think it's viable to keep doing the accent.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07What if I said I was losing it due to time living away from home?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Surely you'd be developing a London accent.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Or, where's equidistant between Cork and London?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Wales. I could say my accent had naturally found a halfway point.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Just tell her.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20First time in years I end up properly liking summat
0:16:20 > 0:16:24and I'm stuck doing a fake accent, this is just my luck.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Owen, why didn't you tell me we've been using Violet's Wi-Fi?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Oh, she approached me on the first day and offered. I thought it was nice of her.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32She says if I stop accepting her packages,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34she's going to change the password.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37She's giving out favours and now she's calling them in.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Have you not seen The Godfather and learnt its lessons?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- What, are you worried you're going to wake up and find a router in your bed?- What's the problem?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Look, just keep accepting her packages, she's a lovely old lady and we need Wi-Fi.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- Mm.- No, because I am not Mrs Goggins and she is not a lovely old lady.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Mrs Goggins? Yes, she is.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54No, Violet.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57She's off out down at aqua aerobics and getting hammered with Iris.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01Meanwhile, I'm trying to push her mattress up two flights of stairs.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Are you having a breakdown?
0:17:02 > 0:17:04No, I'm thinking very clearly.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06I'm going to go and sort us out our own Wi-Fi.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Wait a minute, Owen,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I've been paying you for Wi-Fi for the last three years!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Have you guys seen there's a wireless router in this building
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- called Josh's Porn Box?! - Really?- What?! No!- Yeah.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Oh, God, she's done it already.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Here we go.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30It's on the house, I'll say I dropped it on the floor.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Did you drop it on the floor? - No, no, I caught it on me foot.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Like George Best?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, technically, he was Northern Irish, but still...
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Anyway, um... About that, actually.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Um, I've got something to tell you.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- OK.- Oh, no, no, it's not bad, it's good.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47H-Hopefully it'll bring us closer together.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Great.- Yeah, um...
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Listen, I really like you.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52And I really like you too.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Oh, great.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56When I moved here, I had no idea what I was doing
0:17:56 > 0:17:58and you've made it feel like home,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00despite the fact that this isn't your home either.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03- Well...- I mean, I was a mess when I moved here,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05and I hope you don't mind hearing this,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08but the reason I left New York was because I discovered
0:18:08 > 0:18:12that the man that I fell in love with wasn't who he said he was.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- Oh, dear.- Yeah. I was humiliated.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16I felt broken and...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I'm sorry, you don't want to hear about that.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Um... What was it you wanted to say?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Right. Well, um...
0:18:25 > 0:18:30This is hard to say and, um, it may sound weird, actually,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33but it's about being Irish.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34I...
0:18:38 > 0:18:40..think Siobhan's pretending to be Irish.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Sorry?- I'm afraid so.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Um, just a lot of the stuff she said about being from Cork, like,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50you know, none of it made sense.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Oh, God! Why would she do that?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- God only knows.- That's so weird.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Yeah, it's bad form, like, sorry you had to hear it from me.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00No, it was the right thing to do.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01- Let me make you a coffee. - Listen, Owen,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I don't want to come on too strong,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05but I've done something kind of impulsive.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Are you pretending to be an American?
0:19:07 > 0:19:08No. No!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Uh, when we met Siobhan,
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- it made me so sad to see you feeling so homesick...- Oh.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17And it just didn't seem fair that you don't have the money to go back.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22Which is why I booked us two tickets to go back to Cork this weekend!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Sweet Jesus.- You're going home!
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Great.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30DOORBELL RINGS
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Kate, no, no, no!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34It might be a delivery for Violet.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I have to be able to answer the door,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I can't be under house arrest with you and your porn box.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39It is not my porn box.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- That's not what they're saying on the ground floor. - Oh, does it reach that far?!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Yeah. Rumour is you stream six videos at the same time
0:19:46 > 0:19:47like Minority Report.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49It's Geoff. I know you're in there.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I can hear you talking about Josh's porn box.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57- Oh, my God.- My God, what happened?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00You know how they say a swan can break your arm?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Well, they can also really batter your face.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Oh, I can't believe this has happened, I'm so sorry.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06When he attacked, I held my hands behind my back,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08presuming they were most at risk -
0:20:08 > 0:20:11if anything, that just left my face as an open goal.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Sorry, have you been attacked by a swan?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16To quickly explain, I found an injured swan,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19took him home to nurse him back to health using Kate's advice,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21as she was once in Ornithology Club.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23And once the bird was back to full strength,
0:20:23 > 0:20:27he took over my house before exacting his bloody revenge
0:20:27 > 0:20:29for my kindness. What a week.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Oh, my God.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33You were in Ornithology Club?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36I just did it to flesh out my Ucas form.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Don't play it down, Kate, you made it up to Chaffinch.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42- Chaffinch?!- Now, I just need one more piece of advice.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Josh, would you mind giving me a hand?
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Yeah, of course.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Lift from the knees.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49OK.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Steady, quite heavy.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Yes, I know.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53- Mind my door.- Sorry.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55So, is the swan still in your house?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56No, Josh is holding him.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- What?!- Well, I tried wrapping him round my neck,
0:20:59 > 0:21:01but I looked like Bjork going to the Oscars.
0:21:01 > 0:21:02So that's when I put him in the box.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04God, is he dead?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Sedated, I put a sleeping pill in his Bovril.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- His Bovril?- Well, he wasn't drinking his hot chocolate.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11God knows what he'll be like when he wakes up!
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- He'll be livid.- So why did you bring him here?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Because I needed expert advice on where to leave him.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Well, not in our flat!
0:21:18 > 0:21:19DOORBELL RINGS
0:21:19 > 0:21:21No. Who is it?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Delivery.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- What are you delivering? - Wi-Fi router.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Really?- Yeah.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Are you sure it isn't a NutriBullet?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Sorry, what's happening?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36- Here you go. - Ah, thank you.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42- Violet.- I thought you weren't going to take any more of my deliveries.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Well, actually, this is for me.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48You pay a man £10, he'll say anything's a Wi-Fi router.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Now, hand over my NutriBullet.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- No, it's got my address on it. - Just saving time, Joshua.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56- No.- I warned you.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Well, seeing as it's got my name on it, I'm going to assume it's mine.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03So I can do what I like with it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Don't do anything stupid.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Oh, I could go into my kitchen and put some spinach in it.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Or I could knock up a carrot juice, or I could...
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- Soup?- I could make a soup.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Josh.- OR I could throw it out the window.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17No, Josh! Joshua!
0:22:17 > 0:22:18It's stuck.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- Push and turn.- No, Joshua.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Push and turn.- I am!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24We could come to an arrangement.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I could change the name of your porn box.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- Too late!- Oh, no!
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Oh, dear. Looks like I just smashed your NutriBullet.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33SHE CRIES
0:22:37 > 0:22:38CRIES TURN TO GIGGLES
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Oh, dear. You've just smashed your new Wi-Fi router.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46- Oh, that's a pity.- What?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48No-one over 40 would be stupid enough
0:22:48 > 0:22:51to waste their money on a fad like a NutriBullet!
0:22:53 > 0:22:56I had one. Swan broke it.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00I've tricked people into smashing their own Wi-Fi routers before now
0:23:00 > 0:23:02and I'll do it again.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- No.- My God, you were right.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08She is an evil Mrs Goggins.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I'd beat the shit out of Mrs Goggins.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Now, it's probably best if you just accept your lot
0:23:17 > 0:23:20and toe the line in this building from now on.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Ooh! I presume this box is for me?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Well, no, actually that... Yeah, yeah.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- I'll just grab it and bring it up. - If you would.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32From the knees.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42And then I thought we could go to your local for a pint
0:23:42 > 0:23:45and maybe you could introduce me to some of your old friends,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48and then I would love to go see the Ballycotton cliffs.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Oh, the Ballycotton cliffs.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Bloody hell, what have you packed in here?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- An elephant?- Oh, my God, I love your accent, where's that from?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57- Wales.- Oh, wow!
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Did you hear, babe? He's from Wales!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01That's amazing, I love Wales.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03It's like the most beautiful place I've ever been to
0:24:03 > 0:24:06and the men are so incredibly good-looking, right?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08There must be something in the water there.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Are you completely Welsh, or are you like half-Welsh, half-English?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Cos that's like a thing, right?
0:24:20 > 0:24:21HISSING
0:24:23 > 0:24:25RATTLING AND THUMPING
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Argh!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30MUSIC: Runaway by The Corrs
0:24:32 > 0:24:38# I'm falling in love with you
0:24:38 > 0:24:41# No, never
0:24:41 > 0:24:48# I'm never gonna stop falling in love with you
0:24:48 > 0:24:54# Cos I am falling in love... #