0:00:12 > 0:00:15FOOTBALL SOUNDS ON TV Inside. Come on, yes.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Through. Come on!
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Yeah!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Now, why would I do a chip-through ball
0:00:20 > 0:00:22when one-on-one with the keeper?
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Oh, shut up, Stu, I can hear you laughing.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26Come on, tackle him...
0:00:26 > 0:00:29No, get to him, get to him!
0:00:29 > 0:00:31No... No!
0:00:31 > 0:00:32No!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36- Oh, come on, mate, don't watch while I play.- Sorry.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I wasn't talking to you.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39It's my friend, who I'm playing.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Is he shy?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46No. No, he isn't here.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48He's in Manchester.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49We're playing online.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52It's the annual Sociology Cup of Nations.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Played every year since university.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59HE SIGHS HEAVILY
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Yes, well done, Stu.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Which team are you?
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Joshenham Hotspur.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06HE CHUCKLES
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Joshenham Hotspur!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12That sounds like Tottenham, but with Josh...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Oh, that's delightful.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Thank you.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18You know, I think that's the first time you've actually made me laugh.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I know you say you're a comedian,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22but it's good to finally hear some evidence. Joshenham Hotspur...!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24HE LAUGHS
0:01:24 > 0:01:25- Like Tottenham, but with Josh. - Yes!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27That is good.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29HE CHUCKLES
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Er, excuse me?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42- What the hell are you doing? - I'm just eating some ham.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44You can't just help yourself to our ham.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Susan!
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Susan!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Just coming! Yes, Brian?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- What the hell is going on? - Hello, Owen. This is Brian.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53He's going to be doing a few shifts here.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55We met last week at hot yoga.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Well, it was just yoga until Susan turned up.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- SHE LAUGHS - You'll make me blush!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Anyway, we got talking
0:02:02 > 0:02:04and I mentioned that we could do with an extra pair of hands.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And I said, "That's considered cheating in yoga."
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Obviously, we just laughed and laughed!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Yeah, we did laugh.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Well, it was hard not to.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Anyway, er, nice to meet you, Brian.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I've got a bit of paperwork to do, so can you show Brian the ropes?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Of course.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25So...shall I start by showing you how the coffee machine works?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27No, you're all right.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Oh... OK.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32You're sure you don't mind me having a go?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Honestly, it'll be so good to get my confidence up.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Well, this is what it's all about, isn't it?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Two best friends, hanging out, computer gaming.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44So I'll just let you get the hang of the controls first.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52What was that?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Have you played before? - Why, am I good at this?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Can you stop doing keepie uppies?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58If you insist.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Yes, goal!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02How did that happen?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Geoff-field Wednesday!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- Did you see I called it Geoff-field Wednesday?- I got it.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08It's like Sheffield Wednesday, but I put Geoff instead.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- No, I understand the joke. - Geoff-field Wednesday.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Are you some kind of Fifa savant?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14No! No, I'm not.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Savants tend to lack social skills.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Well, you must have played before, then, mustn't you?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Not this.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Although, back in the '90s, I did get into Kick Off 2.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I actually played in the British Championships.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Or the Kickies, as they were known.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Oh, great days.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Great women.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35The hickies I got at the Kickies...
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Geoff, don't run your keeper out with the ball, that's a dick's move.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41No, I said don't run your keeper out with the ball.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- No way!- 2-0.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48God, this is pointless. You're better than Stu!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Actually, you're better than Stu.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Geoff, how would you feel about
0:03:52 > 0:03:55taking temporary charge of Joshenham Hotspur?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I'd be honoured.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00And my first decision, as caretaker manager,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02to ban you from ever playing again.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03You're the boss.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11But, I mean, the thing about photography is,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13you know, it's more difficult than you think.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16It's not just about pointing the camera in the right direction,
0:04:16 > 0:04:17otherwise anyone could turn professional.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19And they can't.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21For instance, I haven't.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Yeah, well, I'm jealous of anyone who can take good photos.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I was at the zoo last week and I couldn't get an elephant in focus.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27- I love the zoo.- Yeah?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I'm just one of those people who loves animals.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Or does that mean I wouldn't like the zoo?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Well, yeah, but the main thing for me about the zoo
0:04:34 > 0:04:36is it's a great place for parents to take their kids.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Oh, yeah, that is the one drawback.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Kate, what I'm trying to tell you is I have a daughter.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Which is great.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Are you sure? Because I totally understand if it's an issue.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Oh, well, for me, Kate, I am issue-free.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Great.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Yeah, really, really, really great.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Yeah.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Oh, the old daughter.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00How old is the old daughter?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Your daughter, how old is your daughter?
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Lola is ten.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Oh, Lola...
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- That's such a beautiful name. - Thank you.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10# Her name was Lola
0:05:10 > 0:05:11# She was a showgirl
0:05:11 > 0:05:13# With yellow feathers in her hair
0:05:13 > 0:05:15# And a dress cut down to... #
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Shall we get another drink?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- Same again?- Yeah. Thanks.- Right.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Right...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Here we go.- Thank you.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Brian is the laziest man of all time.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42He couldn't get the Panini maker to work the other day,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44so he warms up a Panini in the oven
0:05:44 > 0:05:46and then just flattened it under a copy of Cloud Atlas.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- How did things go with Chris? - Oh, amazing.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51He's handsome, funny...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53What's the third thing?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oh, yeah, he has a child. Why didn't you tell me that?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Well, I didn't want it to be an issue.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Well, it's not an issue.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Well, it's a very small issue. But it's not a big issue.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05It's not a big issue at all.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06I mean, if it was a problem,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I wouldn't buy it off a homeless person.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- Because it's not a Big Issue. - Right. OK.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Well, you seem very chilled about it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I am super chilled about it.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19In fact, I am so chilled I'm actually meeting Lola next week.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23That's a bit quick, isn't it? Calm down, Angelina Jolie.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25She's got a photography competition and I said I'd help her.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Oh, all right. Oh, I get it.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31So it's such an issue you've ended up massively overcompensating.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Well, maybe. But I'll have you know, I'm actually very good with kids.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Oh, come on, Kate. You pushed a child out of the way at Crufts.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40He cut in front of me in the queue to meet Pudsey.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42And I didn't push him.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I just gently rolled his chair out of the way.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Oh!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I think you'll find, Stu, that is three games all.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59Oh, how did I do all those rabonas?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01How did I do all those rabonas?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03You press R2 and double tap the analogue stick.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07I simply pressed R2 and double tapped the analogue stick.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I'll tell you what, Stu, I'll let you practice them
0:07:09 > 0:07:11in readiness for the decider.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13See you later, mate.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Oh, my God, I can't wait for tomorrow.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I feel like my whole life has been leading to this point.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22He has never thought I could be good at anything.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Well, you're not.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25No, no, but that's not the point.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30The point is, I am going to be going home with a sweet £100 prize kitty.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Sorry, do you mean there's money riding on this?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Josh, you know my views on gambling.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Oh, no, no, this isn't gambling.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39This is a prize pot.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I'm sorry, I can't have any more to do with this.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I refuse to cheat strangers out of their money.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46You've raised our rent twice in the last year.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48You're not strangers.
0:07:58 > 0:08:005:30. I'm off.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02But we've still got to wash up and clean all the tables.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Yeah, I can't. I really need to get home.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- It's 30 minutes till Eggheads. - What?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10The prize pot's up to £12,000, the Eggheads are due a defeat,
0:08:10 > 0:08:11I don't want to risk missing it
0:08:11 > 0:08:13because I really, really, really hate them.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Oh, OK...
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Now what are you doing?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Just taking my half of the tips.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20But you didn't earn any.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22The only customer you spoke to all day was Julie,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- who you really offended. - She looked like Ronnie Wood.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- I say what I see.- Oh, Brian, you asked her for a selfie.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29You made her play air guitar.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I always say, if something's worth doing, it's worth doing properly.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Oh, do you? Because when I asked you to clean the loo,
0:08:34 > 0:08:35you said you'd already done it
0:08:35 > 0:08:37by aiming your stream of urine at the offending areas.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38It's the most hygienic way.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41That way, I don't have to touch the toilet.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43There is no change for this, so I'll have to owe you.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55The thing is, you don't have to know what all the buttons do.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- I mean, I don't. - Well, thank you, Kate.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- We've had a really good day, haven't we?- Mm-hm.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Oh, same. - PHONE JINGLE
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- I'm so sorry, can I take this? - Yeah, we'll be fine.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Can I take a look?
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Oh, that one's great!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10You could put that in the photography competition.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11No.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13This is my favourite.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Ah, yeah, that is good. But do you remember...
0:09:15 > 0:09:16..I took that one?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Remember?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20I saw that "no littering" sign
0:09:20 > 0:09:22and I framed it up with that crisp packet I put on the floor.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Remember, I explained I was making an important point about littering?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28Could we say I took it?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Well...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32It could win.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Well, I mean, it would definitely win. But that would be lying.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38But it's a brilliant photo. People should see it.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Oh, well, that is...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44..a fair point.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I suppose you were there, so, in a way, it is our photo.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Maybe this could just be our little secret,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- just between you, me and your dad. - Thank you, Kate.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Right. Sorry about that.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56How are we doing?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Wow, that's a great photo!
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Did you take that one, Lola? - Yeah.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04- Lola?- OK...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06It was Kate's crisp packet.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Kate, I do think you should be littering in front to my daughter.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11That's the point I was making with the photo.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Who's a clever girl? Isn't she amazing?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Yeah...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Good to see you, Brian, but you are 40 minutes late.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- I had a terrible night. - Oh, right.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Oh, sorry. Erm, what happened?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36The Eggheads won again.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37And?
0:10:37 > 0:10:38That's it.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Well, er, in better news, Brian,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44to welcome you into the team, I've got you a little present.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Look, it's your very own tips jar.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49No, I don't want that.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Well, you're having it,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52because I didn't finish and wash out a jar
0:10:52 > 0:10:54of my flatmate's piccalilli for nothing.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55I'm happy with the current system.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Well, I'm afraid the current system is no more, Brian.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00From now on, it's all change. And, yes, that pun was intentional.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I actually practised it on my way in,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05when I arrived on time 40 minutes ago.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12HE SIGHS HEAVILY
0:11:12 > 0:11:15DOORBELL CHIMES
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Geoff! - I came over as quickly as I could.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Let's have a look at that wonky ballcock.- Er, about that...
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Some people might laugh at the concept of a wonky ballcock,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26but I happen to know it's one of the most devastating things
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- that can happen to a toilet. - Geoff, I've fixed it.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- Oh, right... - But since you're here,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- can I have a quick word with you about something?- How did you fix it?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37With just the right amount of patience and care.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38Ah, OK.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Now, I'm not sure if I was clear yesterday...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Actually, that is ridiculously vague.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Did you reconnect the flapper valve? - Yeah, that's exactly what I did.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- It's flapping away nicely. - It's not supposed to flap.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Geoff, the ballcock is fine. It wasn't broken.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I just need your help with Fifa.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55You used the flat against me?
0:11:55 > 0:11:56My Achilles heel?
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Only because I really, really want to beat Stu.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Now, I know it shouldn't matter,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05but he has bullied me for years about being shit at stuff.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08And now, finally, I'm not the worst at something.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Well, I am the worst at it, but he doesn't know that.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Please, tomorrow night, just one more game.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15That is all I ask.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Absolutely not.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17Geoff...
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Isn't this what friends do for each other?
0:12:24 > 0:12:26You consider me a friend?
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Yes.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30A best friend?
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Very much so.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Then that is why I'll always have your back.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Great, we'll split the money 50-50.
0:12:40 > 0:12:4280-20, in my favour.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43See you at kick-off!
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I said I'm not made of scone but I will be if I keep eating them.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49SHE GIGGLES
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Thanks.- No problem.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56What happened there?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58I guess she just made a choice.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Er, Brian, what's Crabble's disease?
0:13:05 > 0:13:06- Oh, don't you know? - No.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- It's a very, very bad disease. - Oh, yeah? What are the symptoms?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Well, the main one is...death.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Right. And before that?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14An impending fear of death.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Brian, I've never heard anyone mention Crabble's disease.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Losing your voice, that's another symptom.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Oh, Brian, you can't just relabel your tips jar
0:13:22 > 0:13:24with some made-up charity.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26How dare you suggest that?
0:13:26 > 0:13:29My family has been deeply affected by Crabble's for generations.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31For instance, my great-granddad is now dead.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35And prior to that, he had an impending fear of it.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43TV ON IN BACKGROUND
0:13:43 > 0:13:47I think Brian is comfortably the weirdest man I have ever met.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51I'm quite a chilled-out guy, but he is pushing me close to my limits.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Why don't you just tell Susan?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Because Susan's totally infatuated with him,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57despite the fact that he eats mayonnaise straight from the jar.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Who does that?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Oh, that reminds me, have you seen my piccalilli?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Erm, Kate ate it.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04What was that?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Nothing. Erm, how was the mother-and-daughter bonding session?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10It turns out Lola is a top-level fraudster.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12She wants to enter one of my photos into the competition
0:14:12 > 0:14:14and pretend it's hers.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17She's like Milli Vanilli, but female.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18And in primary school.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20And there's only one of her.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Parents do that sort of thing all the time, don't they?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Do you really think I had the best joined-up writing in West Wales
0:14:25 > 0:14:28for the under tens? No. But my dad did.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30The man's hand flows like a river.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32It's not about the competition. It's about Chris.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34She's told him that she took the photo
0:14:34 > 0:14:37and now he is doting over her saying she is the next Annie Leibovitz.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I took the photo. If anyone's the next Annie Leibovitz,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- I'm the next Annie Leibovitz. - Can you stop saying Annie Leibovitz?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Who's Annie Leibovitz? - You're looking at her, mate.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Just go to the prize-giving, smile and let her have her moment.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I know it's a tough ask, but out of the two of you,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53try and be the least childish.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Well, she started it!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Sorry, Kate, are you jealous of a nine-year-old
0:14:56 > 0:14:57because her dad's proud of her?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59No.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00She's ten.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11HE SIGHS
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Brian, are you going to help me set up?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I've told you, I'll help when I've finished the arrow word.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- Morning, Owen.- Morning.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Good morning, Brian. - Morning, Susan.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23You look like Marilyn Monroe today.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Do I?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Yes.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Er, Susan, can I have a word, please?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Of course, Owen.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Is this about the tips? - Er, well, yeah.- Right.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I've spoken to Brian and he says that you're worried
0:15:37 > 0:15:40that his charity work's impacting on your tips.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Oh, wait, no, no, that's not what's happening at all. The problem is...
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Oh, that's such a relief.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Because what he's doing is inspirational.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49He wants to start a viral video campaign
0:15:49 > 0:15:51called the Crabble Bucket Challenge.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- What's that? - It's what it sounds like.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Celebrities tip buckets of crabs over their heads.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Susan, have you ever heard of anyone with Crabble's?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- Yes.- Oh...
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Well, Brian's great-grandfather passed away from it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Yeah, his death still deeply affects me.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Do you still want me to make you a cake for the memorial service?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I'm not made of scone, but I will be if I keep eating them.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, Brian...!
0:16:14 > 0:16:18I really admire your ability to laugh through the pain.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Oh...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22In fact, we were just discussing your charity work.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Oh, I'm taking the money to the hospice this evening.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I'm missing Eggheads, but some things are more important.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Oh, you are a good man, Brian.
0:16:32 > 0:16:33You know, only last month,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36he ran a marathon for the children of Momutu.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37I've never heard of Momutu.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39That's why I'm running - to raise awareness.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- I'm so proud of you! How do you feel?- Really happy.- Yeah?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Can you believe she won? - Well, it is the best photograph.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You are such a talented girl.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55For her age group.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58For any age group, I'd say, Lola.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Oh, Miss Williams, hello. - How lovely to see you.- You, too.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Congratulations, Lola. - Thanks, Miss Williams.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- It was a fantastic photo. - It is, isn't it?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Sorry, I don't think we've met. I'm Ruth. Lola's very proud teacher.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14I'm Kate. Lola's very influential mentor.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16It was her crisp packet in the picture.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Oh, right...
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I picked it up afterwards.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Kate is a photographer and she's been passing on her wisdom to Lola.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Well, Lola, when you grow up, maybe you'll be a photographer like Kate.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Yes. But I want to be a professional.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Oh, I'm sure you will be.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I could pay you to set up my equipment, Kate.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Oh, that's very kind of you, Lola. But, erm...by the time you grow up,
0:17:37 > 0:17:40the digital revolution will make it almost impossible
0:17:40 > 0:17:42to make a living out of taking photographs,
0:17:42 > 0:17:43so good luck with that.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49But I'm sure you will find a way.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Anyway, before I forget, here's the other half of your prize.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Three tickets to Crufts. - Wow!
0:17:58 > 0:17:59What?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Who do you think you will take?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Erm...Dad and Mum.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Oh, thank you. Well, I'll check my diary.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- I'll see if I'm available. - You're going to have a lovely time.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I went last year and it was amazing.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Come on...
0:18:18 > 0:18:20DOORBELL CHIMES Yes!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Geoff!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Why are you dressed as the man from Delmonte?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30This is what Phil Babb wore for the '96 FA Cup final.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33This is our final. You've got to make an effort.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Phil Babb?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Oooh, a tenner.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Hi, can I help you?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Hi. I just wondered whether you took charity collection pots.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, we've just started, actually. Can I ask you what the charity is?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56It's for Crabble's disease.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Oh...
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- What? - Hey, what a coincidence!
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- You're collecting for Crabble's? - Yes.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Well, why wouldn't she be collecting for Crabble's?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07We already have one of those, so we'll be fine, thanks.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Actually, Crabble's Awareness
0:19:09 > 0:19:12are rolling out a new direct pick-up service.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Oh, no.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It's fine. I'm going to drop it off this evening.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Yeah, but this way, you'll be home in time for Eggheads.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Don't be a martyr, Brian. You've done enough.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Yeah, don't be a martyr, Brian.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25The quicker we get the money in, the quicker we get the money out.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27And we all know what an awful disease it is.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30For me, the worst part is not the death,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32but the impending fear of it.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Thank you.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45You are one of the good guys.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Didn't I tell you?
0:19:47 > 0:19:49PHONE RINGS
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Everything OK?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Yes.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Pint tonight, Owen? - Yeah, great.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08What an exhibition of football!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I can't believe I'm about to win the Sociology Cup of Nations.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Be very careful, Josh.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I know we're 5-1 up, but that is a famously dangerous score.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Well, that was awful.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Did Lola not win? - Yes, of course she won.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24And didn't I hear about it.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26"Oh, Lola, you're so brilliant!"
0:20:26 > 0:20:29She's not. She's rubbish. She doesn't even own her own camera.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Kate, you do know it's not a competition between you and her?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Yeah, I know that. She is no competition.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Please tell me you didn't create a scene.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39The only scene I created was for her prize-winning photograph.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42No, I just smiled and acted with good grace.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Good.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46And that is why no-one will suspect that I am the one
0:20:46 > 0:20:48who has just sent the school an anonymous e-mail
0:20:48 > 0:20:50informing them that their little photography competition
0:20:50 > 0:20:52has a fraudster in its midst.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Are you kidding?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55What about Chris? I thought you liked him.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I can't go out with a guy who cares so much about his child
0:20:57 > 0:21:01that he can't even thank me for winning him three tickets to Crufts.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Right, I'm going to get ready and meet Owen in the pub.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Apparently he's loaded.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Geoff, why are you dressed like the man from Delmonte?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Do not distract him!
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Well, that's half-time.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15- Where are my nachos? - Oh, sorry, Geoff.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Don't forget the cheese. - Yes.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28- Chris! - Hey, Kate.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31I've just dropped Lola off at her mum's and I wanted to nip round
0:21:31 > 0:21:34and say thank you for what you did for her today.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Oh, thanks.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I know it was you who took that photo
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and it means so much that you were happy for her to use it.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41Oh, that is...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43That is so great.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44When I dropped her off at her mum's,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46she seemed happy for the first time in months.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50And you did that.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53That is brilliant. However, there is one thing that I should tell you.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56No. There's something I should tell you.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Lola wanted me to thank you, but she also wanted me to give you this.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02She says you won it as much as her.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Oh...
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Crufts!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09And she wants us to go together, you, me and her.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Oh...
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- PHONE JINGLE - Sorry.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15It's the school.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Just a second.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Hello?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21You're through-balls are exquisite, Geoff.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23My nachos.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Could I just have a quick go
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- and then we could say we both played, maybe?- No.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Time for Stu's fingers to hang up their boots.
0:22:32 > 0:22:33DOORBELL CHIMES
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Or squeeze out another year at LA Galaxy.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38- 8-1! - Yes, Geoff!
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Unbelievable!
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Stu...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Bit strange that the championship game is being played,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- yet here you are, answering the door.- How are you here?
0:22:47 > 0:22:48My little brother's playing for me.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- I'm only waiting to find out who is playing your matches.- Well, I am!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- I've just scored! - Who is that?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh, no, Stu, you don't need to go in there! It's OK!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- I knew it. You've got him doing it. - No, I...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02To be honest, I thought he'd be younger and more Chinese.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- Who is this guy? - He's my landlord.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06And best friend.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08You are such a loser.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11- You don't understand. - Oh, I understand.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12After years of defeat,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14you've become so obsessed with beating me at online Fifa
0:23:14 > 0:23:16that you've convinced your 50-year-old landlord,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19who's also your best friend, into playing for you.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Oh, my God...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23I'm such a loser.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26This is impossibly tragic.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Sorry, Stu, can I just pick you up on a couple of things?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Am I right in thinking that you've just travelled up from Manchester?
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Damn right.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37A two-hour, 10-minute rail journey on a Friday night.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Totally worth it.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41So you're clearly travelling in peak hours.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44And as this game has only been in the diary for two days,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47there's no way you could have benefited from early-bird savings.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49So that's an £83.90 return.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Nah, I don't think it's that much.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I know my train fares.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58And in doing so, you have essentially forfeited the match,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01which you could have won, had you played it.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Well, I think, erm...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04And while you're here,
0:24:04 > 0:24:05your team name, Stu United,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08have you any idea how uninspired that is?
0:24:08 > 0:24:09It's all right.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Not when you could have had Stu Alexandra or Stu-ventus.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16All in all, you've been banding around the word loser an awful lot.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19But I think there's only one standout loser here.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Mr Friday-Night Peak-Time Traveller On A Virgin Pendolino.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Oh, God...
0:24:26 > 0:24:27I am a loser.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Impossibly tragic.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33Don't thank me, Josh.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35It's what best friends do for each other.
0:24:35 > 0:24:3610-1.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Your brother's really rubbish at this.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43# It's coming home
0:24:43 > 0:24:45# It's coming home...#
0:24:45 > 0:24:48So, if you kick off, I'll just let you get the hang of the controls.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Oh, my gosh! 1-0!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Oh...Josh?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01# Everyone seems to know the score
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# They've seen it all before
0:25:06 > 0:25:08# They just know
0:25:08 > 0:25:10# They're so sure
0:25:11 > 0:25:14# That England's gonna throw it away
0:25:14 > 0:25:16# Gonna blow it away
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# But I know they can play
0:25:18 > 0:25:20# Cos I remember
0:25:20 > 0:25:22# Three lions on a shirt
0:25:24 > 0:25:27# Jules Rimet still gleaming... #