0:00:10 > 0:00:14Hiya. Yeah, I just ordered a pizza on your app and I just wanted to
0:00:14 > 0:00:16follow up and check you'd received the correct order.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Well, yeah, I suppose it does defeat the purpose of the app, but since
0:00:20 > 0:00:24I'm here, 7 Belmont Gardens, how long will it be?
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Oh, perfect, I will get my episode of Jonathan Creek on.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Oh, it's the one where the dead body climbs the stairs.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33No, no, it's not ridiculous,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37because he floats up when the basement floods.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Can we just agree to disagree?
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Yeah, great, OK, I will see you then.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43All right, bye.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- What are you doing here?- Whoa, have I caught you on a date?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58No, I'm just having a relaxed night in with Jonathan Creek.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Oh, so I have caught you on a date.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01No, I'm just having a night in.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I'm recharging my batteries.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Recharging your batteries?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- Yeah!- Sorry, I forgot you were a busy working mother!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Do you want me to run you a warm bath,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11so you can lie back and read a Maeve Binchy?
0:01:11 > 0:01:12What are you doing here, anyway?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Aren't you doing that medical trial this weekend?
0:01:15 > 0:01:19No, I was, but then I charmed the nurse into slipping me the placebo.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20She allowed me to go home early.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You can't do that.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Well, YOU can't.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I can, with my stories.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28One mention of the time I got stuck in a Waterstones with John Torode
0:01:28 > 0:01:31and she was putty in my hands.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33But even if you got given the placebo,
0:01:33 > 0:01:34you need to stay in for observation.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I forgot that you moonlight as an NHS ombudsman.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40No, I'm just saying it's not ethical.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I tell you what's not ethical, how much that nurse fancied me.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45If she fancied you so much, why did she send you home?
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Because she couldn't cope with
0:01:46 > 0:01:49working in such a sexually charged atmosphere.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Or she was unprofessional, lazy and
0:01:50 > 0:01:52couldn't cope with any more of your anecdotes.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Oh, envy is a sin, Joshua.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Tell you what else is a sin, what that nurse wanted to do to my...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- Yeah, I get it, yeah.- Your loss.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Oh, you're not going to believe the evening I just had.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Can you stop talking over Creek?!
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Hang on, I'm just going to get
0:02:12 > 0:02:14myself a drink and then I'll tell you all about it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16But I'm missing the theme tune!
0:02:16 > 0:02:21MUSIC PLAYS: Jonathan Creek Theme Tune
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Kate, is that a jardinera from La Dolce Vita?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Yes.- How do you feel about giving me one of your slices,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36and then to pay you back I will give you a slice of mine
0:02:36 > 0:02:38in approximately four minutes?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I assume you've ordered a margherita.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Correct.- I'm not downgrading my slice.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44You know the exchange rate.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47It's two slices of your barren pizza for one of these.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49This is like a shiny.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Well, look who's back already.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Shortest date since my cousin went for a drink with Samantha Mumba.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- Your cousin went for a drink with Samantha Mumba?!- Yeah.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59It was absolute disaster as well.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02It was just after she split up with Sisqo.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Now, first question she asks him, God knows why,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06is, "What's your favourite kind of crisp?"
0:03:06 > 0:03:09He's nervous, obviously - it's Mumba, after all.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12He meant to say Discos but it came out like Sisqo.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16She's livid, she leaves before her Guinness had settled.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Less believable every time you say it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Yeah, well, the nurse liked it.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Anyway, it's five past eight and you're at home eating a take away,
0:03:24 > 0:03:25so the date must have gone well.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Ah, yeah, so... We didn't really click,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31so I decided to be cruel to be kind and binned off the date after the
0:03:31 > 0:03:35starters, waited for him to leave, and got myself a takeaway.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37So did you cancel the mains?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- What?- Well, you said you ended it after the starters,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41surely by then you'd already ordered the mains.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45No, it's just I said, "Let's just order starters," to test the water,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49as I had a funny feeling when he arrived, in my waters.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53And then once you dismissed him you decided to stay and get a takeaway?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Yes, that is exactly what happened.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57It seems like a very unlikely sequence of events.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58All right, Jonathan Creek.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- How's your food getting along? - Delivery accepted.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04No, it isn't. They've delivered my pizza to the wrong address.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Oh, gutted!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Someone has taken my pizza.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Two words, broken Britain.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I don't think the police are going to be interested in this one, Josh.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Hello, yeah, it's the app guy again.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Yes, the one watching Jonathan Creek.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Well, I don't care what you've discussed, it makes perfect sense.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Actually, that is not why I'm calling.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28The reason I'm calling is my pizza has gone missing.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33No, that would not make a good mystery for Jonathan Creek.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34This is not good enough.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37You're going to have to send me a new order.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39HOW long?
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Well, I'll tell you what you can do with your free mozzarella
0:04:43 > 0:04:46sticks, you can stick them...in the bag, actually, that sounds great.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Really good. Cheers.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51- I think you really told them there, Josh.- Mmm.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Mmm.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07So are you still going to get a full payment,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09even though you left the trial early?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Oh, yeah, I made sure of that.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I just don't understand why you did it. You've got a job.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I can't just make baguettes for the rest of my life, can I, Josh?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17You've got no idea how unstimulating it is.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Every day is always the same.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Ham and mayo, cheese and coleslaw, salmon and beef.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Sorry?- Oh, yeah, Geoff comes in occasionally, orders that.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Claims it's surf and turf. It's not.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32The point I'm trying to make is the job is very boring.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Yeah, Owen, it's a job. That's what happens.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Yeah, but I'd mastered in the first week.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39I can make a cheese baguette in my sleep.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41In fact, I did it once. During a particularly bad nightmare,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44I actually got up, made a baguette, and actually ate it.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47The problem was the cheese made my nightmare worse.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49It was a vicious circle.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51So now you're selling your body to science?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Yes, but that is simply to raise funds
0:05:55 > 0:05:58for a once-in-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Isn't that you what said when you invested in that toaster designed by
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Jon Tickle?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06That was a mistake. But this, this is a dead cert.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Look who's floating.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Sorry, this is your new career plan?
0:06:20 > 0:06:24It's one of them. It's important to diversify in the modern world, Kate.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25I'm a bit like Kanye West -
0:06:25 > 0:06:28he's a rapper, fashion designer, entrepreneur.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I'm a baguette maker, medical trialee, floating grim reaper.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- Uncanny.- Well, unKanye.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35- Kind of works. - It's money for nothing.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37I've seen it each morning.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39On my way to work, I walk past this guy.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41He's a human statue dressed in a gold suit.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43People are throwing money at him.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44He's coining it in.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45He can't be.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Er, have YOU got a suit made of gold?
0:06:47 > 0:06:48He's a great guy, actually.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51We got chatting, and he gave me the contact for the person
0:06:51 > 0:06:54that makes these things. 150 quid later, I'm on the gravy train.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Have you got a licence?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57A licence to print money.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58It's so easy. Look.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06This is the start of an exciting new chapter for me, guys,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08cos we're all in the gutter,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10but some of us are floating slightly
0:07:10 > 0:07:11above the gutter, coining it in.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I'm delighted for you, mate, but if you don't mind,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I'm going to watch Jonathan Creek.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17You don't need Jonathan Creek, mate.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19You've got a real mystery, live in your lounge.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30PHONE RINGS
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Oh, um...you're getting a call from sexy nurse.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Today just keeps getting better and better. I knew she fancied me.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40But don't answer it. I'm going to play it cool.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Bloody hell, if she fancied me on terra firma,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51imagine how she'll react when she sees me floating in mid-air.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I wonder if you can have sex on one of these things.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Time to join the five-foot-high club.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Oh, Josh is already a member.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'm five-foot-six-and-a-half, actually.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00DOORBELL RINGS
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Ooh, that was quick!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Do you want me to tell you how it works?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I don't want you to get kicked out of the Magic Circle,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12but I'm guessing you're sat on some sort of wooden seat.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14No.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16The seat's actually metal.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Oh, Jeff.- Evening, Josh.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Everything all right?- I thought you were going to be my pizza.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Oh, no, I'm not.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Hope you won't be topping yourself.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- Not too cheesed off.- Oh...
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Is there a pun on crusts?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Might have to get back to you on that.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Holy Mary, Mother of God!
0:08:38 > 0:08:39You all right, Jeff?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Can everyone see that?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45You see? I told you guys I was on to a winner.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Feel free to chuck me a fiver.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49How are you doing that?
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Is it a Welsh thing?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- He's on a seat.- Oh!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56No, I still don't understand.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Jeff, why are you here?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00No reason. Just checking in.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Do you need this?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- What?- Well, how much use do you get out of it?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09You've got four chairs. There's only three of you. Can I have it?
0:09:09 > 0:09:12No! What if we have a guest?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Well, I'll stand.- It's not happening.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I'll replace it with something.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17I've got a bean bag at home I can bring.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19This is our flat, not Google HQ.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Look, I'll level with you. I'm in a pickle.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I've signed some new tenants to one of my flats,
0:09:24 > 0:09:26but I made a schoolboy error.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I listed it as furnished and it isn't.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32What can I say? It was a Saturday night,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I cracked open a box of chocolate liqueurs, and phwoar!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Never mix alcohol and Zoopla.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41So, you're going to give them our furniture?
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Not just yours. If I can get a piece from each of my flats, I'll soon
0:09:45 > 0:09:49have theirs furnished. So, what about the coffee table?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51- No.- No.- Give them your coffee table.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Well, I can't do that. I need my coffee table.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55I've got that Banksy book.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Where else am I going to put it?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58On the floor? That would be an insult.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00He's a thought-provoking artist.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You are not having our coffee table.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You're not getting anything else.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to have a relaxed night in.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Sounds perfect.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13THEY SIGH
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Right, if you're staying, you're not talking during Jonathan Creek.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Absolutely.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Just say it!- Well, she's already had one dinner.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I saw you in La Dolce Vita earlier, didn't I?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Um, yes, maybe.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Yeah, I definitely saw you.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51You were in there on your own with two starters.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Oh, I was on a date. You probably just walked past when my date was in
0:10:54 > 0:10:59- the toilet.- Well, then he must have ordered the spicy prawns, because I
0:10:59 > 0:11:00saw exactly the same scene 15
0:11:00 > 0:11:02minutes later when I walked back past.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh, my God.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05- That's not true.- Kate, you don't
0:11:05 > 0:11:07need to lie. We've all been stood up.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I'm not lying. He did turn up.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13He just then left again ten minutes later.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Is it speed dating?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19It was awful.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23We sat down and ordered and then, before the starters came, he said he
0:11:23 > 0:11:26needed to head off because it wasn't working.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I'm really sorry, Kate.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Modern dating is brutal.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Ten minutes to prove yourself.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32I mean, I'm a grower.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35It takes people a while to get into me.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37You've got to watch the film, not the trailer.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42You are the complex, lilting, five-day game of Test cricket rather
0:11:42 > 0:11:45than the disposable cut and thrust of Twenty20.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Is that a compliment?
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- Yeah.- Well, then, yes, I am. Thank you.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55Kate, a lot of people panic about being alone at your age.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57You may be surprised to learn that I
0:11:57 > 0:11:59experienced exactly the same worries.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01But you're still alone.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06Yes. But I can tell you that, in time, bit by bit, you get more
0:12:06 > 0:12:08comfortable with it. Your priorities change.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11For instance, I focused on my career.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Now, Kate, you don't have a career,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15but what do you think you could focus on?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You going to put Creek back on then?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Oh, God!
0:12:40 > 0:12:41KNOCK AT DOOR
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Hey, mate.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Look, I'm really sorry about how tonight went.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Don't listen to Jeff. It's just one bad date.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57It's not, though, is it?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58It's year after year of them.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04I've seen more awkward dates than the Isle of Fernandos.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05I came up with that on the way home.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09It's the only good thing to come out of the evening.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10SHE SIGHS
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Can I have a go?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Absolutely not. It's for performers only.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I completely understand.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35How much did this cost?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Was it 50 grand?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I'm being silly.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40100 grand?
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Yeah, that's it.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I should really have bought a house,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46but I thought this was a more secure investment.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I actually paid for it by doing a medical trial.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Oh, is this one of the side-effects?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52What?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I keep forgetting there's a seat under there.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I actually took part in some medical trials.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- I was involved in testing the very first Lockets.- Oh, yeah?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Honey and lemon flavoured.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Of course, back then blackcurrant was just a pipe dream.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Or wind pipe dream, if you will.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08HE LAUGHS
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Yeah, I was called back in the same year to test some Tunes.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Oh.- I said, "Bohemian Rhapsody'll never sell."
0:14:15 > 0:14:18If I could use this scythe, I would, Jeff.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Anyway, I was only paid five grand for the Lockets trials,
0:14:22 > 0:14:24which is nowhere near enough.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Are you kidding? Five grand, what, just for sucking some sweets?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32That's not the only way they were administered back then.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Oh, right.- Bit of trivia for you -
0:14:36 > 0:14:40for the next four months, every time I passed wind my sinuses cleared.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I suppose that's why they have trials.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Yeah.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49This is so depressing.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I was in this room a couple of hours ago getting ready for a date.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Yeah, I thought it was tidy.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Be honest with me. Am I going to turn into Jeff?
0:15:00 > 0:15:01No, of course not.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- How do you know?- Well, because you've got social skills.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07And you can't afford to get on the property ladder.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Well, if I do start turning it to him, you'll tell me, won't you?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14The moment you start referring to beef and salmon sandwiches as surf
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- and turf, I'll stage an intervention.- Thanks. Means a lot.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:21 > 0:15:23This was such a shitty day.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Yeah, I hope you don't mind, I'm just...
0:15:25 > 0:15:27This is not how I imagined my evening going.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29This isn't how I imagined my life going.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30It's just a blip, but...
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Am I difficult to be around?
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- No!- Am I too desperate?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Do I scare people off?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36No, I promise, you do not scare people off.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:38 > 0:15:39I'll be back in a sec.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Ah, sorry about the mix-up, mate. I went to the wrong number seven.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49It's fine. You're here now.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Here you go.- Great.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Thank you.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Where's my pizza?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- That's all they gave me.- This is just mozzarella sticks.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Yeah, I did think it was quite a small meal, but I didn't want to say
0:16:03 > 0:16:05anything cos the customer's always right.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Unbelievable.- Oh, actually...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10..there is this as well.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- There.- What's that?- It's an apology tiramisu.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- A what?- To say sorry for messing up the last delivery.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19You messed up this delivery.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Right.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Yeah. Tell you what I'll do.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Why don't I add this pizza to your next order, free of charge?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I've already paid for it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Right.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I'll ring the boss and tell him to put another one in the oven.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Yeah, if you could.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Answer the phone, you...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Hello?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Yeah, it's me. We messed up his order again.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Yeah.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50No worries.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53He wants to know if you've seen the
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- episode with the silverback in the mansion house.- Unbelievable.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Yeah, I enjoyed the episode, but I thought the payoff didn't work.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Look, can you go and get my pizza?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Yeah, sure. Er, he enjoyed the episode but the payoff didn't...
0:17:13 > 0:17:14I'll tell you this,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I think mozzarella sticks could really catch on.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Certainly wouldn't want to have shares in bruschetta right now.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22I wouldn't want to have shares in traditional forms of
0:17:22 > 0:17:25entertainment at this moment. Look how good I'm getting at this.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- Oh, stop it!- Pathetic.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Yeah, but that's not fair, is it?!
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Well, it is fair, cos the public's
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- going to interfere with you, aren't they?- Fingers crossed.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44All right, I bet you one mozzarella
0:17:44 > 0:17:46stick you can't stay still for a minute.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You reckon? Watch this.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55PHONE CHIMES
0:17:57 > 0:17:59You got a text.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Don't you want to read it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Would you like me to read it?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Ooh, it's from sexy nurse.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- Oh, give me that.- Rubbish.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Oh, she's coming over.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, that feels good.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Tell you what else feels good.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- What?- Um, oh, I don't know. I hadn't thought that far ahead.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Well, usually you stop me mid-innuendo.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Um...
0:18:31 > 0:18:33..sex?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Worth the wait.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36I mean, this is not what Kate needs, though.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39First she's dumped mid-date, now she's going to have to listen
0:18:39 > 0:18:41to you trying to seduce a nurse through the wall.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Mmm, good point.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I'll just stick some music on. Classic uni move.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Do you think she's going to be OK?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48She might be quite tired after her
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- shift but seeing me should cheer her up.- No, Kate.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she'll be fine, cos Jeff's gone in to see her.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- Oh, God!- I'm...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00..really sorry I upset you earlier.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03What gave it away? When I ran out of the living room close to tears?
0:19:03 > 0:19:04No, Owen told me I had.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Anyway, sincere apologies for my insensitivity.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13OK, whatever, apology accepted.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Good.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Do you need that bedside table?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Sorry?- Well, in your current situation...
0:19:30 > 0:19:32you don't really need two bedside tables.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- Are you joking?- Mmm, no, you aren't
0:19:35 > 0:19:38really in need of table space for a...
0:19:38 > 0:19:42gentleman friend. It's wasted real estate, nature's greatest crime.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43OK, thanks, you can leave now.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Of course.- No, you're not taking that!
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Fair enough.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51So?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Well, that went terribly.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- What did you do?- I tried to help but it didn't work.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Well, did you apologise?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Yes, but she's in a funny mood.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02She got upset when I tried to take her bedside table away.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- Oh!- She's single. She doesn't need both.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06I stand by that.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07God, I can't believe...
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Right, I'm off for a shower before sexy nurse arrives.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I prefer it when you're hovering.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Yeah, well, I don't know what is wrong with this cloak, but I've
0:20:15 > 0:20:18somehow been sweating and shivering for the last ten minutes.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20No wonder the Grim Reaper's always in such a bad mood.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Owen, Kate is not a good way.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Oh, she'll be all right.
0:20:23 > 0:20:24She's been dumped before.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26She gets over it. Then she'll just get dumped again.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Fine, well, I suppose as I'm the only one who puts her feelings
0:20:30 > 0:20:32first, I'M going to have to go and talk to her.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:33 > 0:20:35However, I will just get that.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Put the lamp down!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- At last!- One extra-large meat feast pizza.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45That's not what I ordered.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Fantastic!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48That was so quick. You guys are great.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Just checking, you did replace the chicken with beef?- Yeah.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- And you replaced the ham with the salmon?- Yeah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Good old surf and turf.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Sorry, what is going on?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Well, all that talk about pizza
0:20:57 > 0:21:00started my stomach rumbling, so I ordered one.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Where's my pizza? I ordered it first.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03It should be ready first.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Oh, don't worry, your pizza was almost ready when I left with his.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- So why didn't you wait?- Because his would get cold.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- He's a customer, too. - Well, when you come back,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13you could at least bring some mozzarella sticks.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14I'm afraid we're all out, mate.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15They've been incredibly popular.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Well, that does not surprise me.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Mmm, yeah, do you know what? I
0:21:18 > 0:21:21genuinely think they could spell the end for bruschetta.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- That's what I said!- Mmm.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Yeah.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Sorry, can you go and get my pizza?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Yeah, sorry.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34KNOCK AT DOOR
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Go away!
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Hey, mate.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I just wanted to say...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48You're not going to end up on your own.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- Yes, I am.- No, you're not. It's just a run of bad luck.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Yeah, for ten years.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55No-one has ever had a run of bad luck that long.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Of course they have!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- Who?- The Boston Red Sox.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- What?- The Curse of Bambino.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05When the Boston Red Sox traded Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08they suffered 86 years bad luck.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10What are you talking about?
0:22:10 > 0:22:13What I'm saying is you've got nothing to worry about.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Kate, you're one of the most amazing people I know.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Well, knocking on the door of the top ten.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Is your pizza still not here?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25No, they delivered Jeff's surf and turf.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Do you want a slice of mine?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- Are you sure?- Yeah, course.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Oh, cheers, mate.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I haven't had a proper relationship in years.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46That doesn't mean anything.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Alan Shearer went 12 games without a goal before Euro 96,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54then he was the top scorer at the tournament.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55I feel like these analogies would
0:22:55 > 0:22:58work better if you were trying to console Gabby Logan.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59You're better than Gabby Logan!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- No, I'm not.- No, you are.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Kate, you're great.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06You're funny and you're clever and you're beautiful, and I can't
0:23:06 > 0:23:09understand what that idiot was thinking tonight.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Can I just check something?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- Yeah.- Are you...
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- coming on to me?- What?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19With all these compliments, and
0:23:19 > 0:23:21saying how I'm about to meet someone?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23No, Kate, I'm just consoling you as a friend.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- I'm being nice.- Oh, you're being nice!
0:23:26 > 0:23:27- Yeah.- That's why it feels weird.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Yeah, that'll be it.- Yeah.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:41 > 0:23:43That'll be your pizza.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Someone else'll get it.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52One second. I just need to get this.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Hiya.- Oh, after all that, I thought you weren't going to answer.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Oh, don't worry, mate. I couldn't care less.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Fair enough. See you.- Thank you very much.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Oh, you're giving me a slice, remember?- Yes.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Sexy nurse.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05So, what time you coming over?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Couldn't wait until then to see me, eh?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11What kind of mix-up? Yeah, but I had the placebo.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Yeah, I've been a little bit sweaty.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Oh, OK.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20But...but I thought you were coming round to...
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, to monitor my symptoms.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Um, so what exactly is going to happen to me?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Both ends?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Right, OK, thank you.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Um, yeah, I'll see you later.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Bye.
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Any news?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42So it looks like you were right.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I think I might have slightly
0:24:44 > 0:24:47overestimated my sexual attractiveness,
0:24:47 > 0:24:51and slightly underestimated her lack of professionalism and laziness.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Yeah, it's started.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Oh, well, Jonathan Creek?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Yes, please.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08If Owen doesn't pull through, do you
0:25:08 > 0:25:10think you're going to want this seat?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Only, I know the perfect place for it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15MUSIC PLAYS: Jonathan Creek Theme Tune