0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains strong some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I'm Kevin Bridges, and this is my wee telly show, Kevin Bridges: What's The Story?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11As a stand-up comedian, I'm often asked how I come up with my material.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Not really that often am I asked that, but I've been asked twice.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Once by a taxi driver, and now by the BBC, so here we are.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21This series, I'll go behind the jokes
0:00:21 > 0:00:25and show you the real-life stories behind my comedy routines.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27This episode - Scotland.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58I was born in Scotland, I grew up in Scotland, I still live in Scotland.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Scotland, a nation defined by many negative stereotypes,
0:01:02 > 0:01:06most of which are accurate, but we are also a nation with a fascinating history,
0:01:06 > 0:01:11some beautiful scenery, we gave the world the telephone, the television.
0:01:11 > 0:01:17A culturally rich country, home of Robert Burns, Robert Louis Stevenson, Charles Rennie Mackintosh
0:01:17 > 0:01:21and many other great, innovative, creative minds.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25But none of that is funny, so back to the stereotypes.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31You know when you travel down south,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34and tell people you're from Glasgow, and they get quite excited,
0:01:34 > 0:01:38and they go, "Oh, Glasgow. It's really quite rough, isn't it? Really violent, yeah."
0:01:38 > 0:01:41You kind of get proud, and you go, "Oh, aye. Oh, aye."
0:01:44 > 0:01:47"A lot of tough guys." "Oh, aye."
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Then they visit the place, and they're a bit disappointed.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53We're trying to get away from our stereotypes.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56We've got a new promotional tourist campaign called
0:01:56 > 0:01:59"Glasgow: Scotland with style."
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Everybody seen the posters?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04It's one of these homogenised posters of people,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07supposed to be the new face of Glasgow.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09People with names like Nathan.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Every major city advertises the happy people like Nathan,
0:02:15 > 0:02:20and it's this guy on the poster - Nathan, sales assistant, proud Glaswegian.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25I don't think a sales assistant called Nathan is a fair representation of any major city.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I think major cities should play up to their stereotypes
0:02:29 > 0:02:31on the billboards advertising your city.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Show them real people, like wee mental Davey.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Apprentice joiner.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Father of six.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58APPLAUSE
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Davey's on the billboard, the six kids all tucked into the one tracksuit.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09A Lacoste tracksuit, you know, only the best for these kids.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12They're all dressed up for their granny's 30th.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27You've got the six kids. You've got Keanu, Sigourney.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Destiny, that's a new one I've heard, Destiny.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Imagine naming your daughter after the nightclub she was conceived in.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41APPLAUSE
0:03:44 > 0:03:46"This is Destiny, this is my son, The Garage."
0:03:53 > 0:03:58In response to the clean-living, stylish marketing pictures of 21st century Glasgow,
0:03:58 > 0:04:03I've made it my mission to launch an alternative promotional campaign.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I'm on a hunt to find the real wee mental Davey,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09somebody to appear on my new marketing poster for Glasgow.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12I'm off to meet a class full of apprentice joiners,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14but ultimately, only one can be selected.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16It's a talent hunt with an edge.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Andrew Lloyd Webber found his Dorothy,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21now I'm off to find my wee mental Davey.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I came here, to Cardonald College in Glasgow,
0:04:28 > 0:04:33to interrupt a class of apprentice joiners in the hope of unearthing a star.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Gentlemen!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Good morning. If you can gather round, please.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Do you know why you're here?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Obviously you know why you're here, you want to be joiners.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- Do you know why I'm here?- No.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I'm here on a casting mission.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52You're all going to be part of an exciting new project
0:04:52 > 0:04:55to find the real face of Glasgow.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57We're here to find the real wee mental Davey.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00We're going to unveil a poster in the city centre
0:05:00 > 0:05:01with one of your photographs.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Is everybody excited about that?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- What about you, sir? What's your name?- Jack.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09You've got the pencil behind your ear, that's ideal.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- John, you're pretty keen.- Aye.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Would you represent Glasgow?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- If you take me fae my good side, aye.- Fae your good side?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- So you're quite vain?- Aye.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23What's your good side? Give me the pose, if I was to look at you on the poster.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Move onto the next stage.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Every one of you will get photographed, a professional photo shoot.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34We've got a backdrop and an expensive camera,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37but only one of you will be crowned the face of Glasgow.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41May the mentallest wee Davey win. Good luck, lads. Come on!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Say, "I'm here to fit your kitchen."
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I've just opened the door, and you're going to go,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54"I'm here to fit your kitchen."
0:05:57 > 0:05:58I'm here to fit your kitchen.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05The image of the guy. "I'm here to fit your kitchen!"
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"Cheers for that!"
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Lovely.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- You're a tiger! You ready? - Shall I be a tiger?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23What ever you want to be.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Oh, how camp is that tiger?- Grrr!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32That didn't last long!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I cannae work with this guy!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Beware of the dog.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Cool guys, cool.
0:06:41 > 0:06:42- Aaaah!- Aaaah!- Aaaah!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Have you done modelling before?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Just part-time.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Music, and a catwalk.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54BOTH: # I'm just a sexy boy
0:06:54 > 0:06:56# Sexy boy
0:06:56 > 0:06:58# I'm not your boy, toy
0:06:58 > 0:07:01# I'm just a sexy boy
0:07:01 > 0:07:03# Sexy boy
0:07:03 > 0:07:04# I sent chills
0:07:04 > 0:07:06# Up and down their spine
0:07:06 > 0:07:08# I'm just a sexy boy
0:07:08 > 0:07:09# Sexy boy! #
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Once the new face of Glasgow had been selected, it was a massive
0:07:29 > 0:07:33push to get the picture off to the printers and prepare for the launch.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38The poster was going to displayed in Glasgow city centre,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41and as the hopeful candidates gathered, the big moment arrived.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46The photographs have been taken, the artwork's been done.
0:07:46 > 0:07:52We're now going to unveil a marketing campaign that will truly represent the people of Glasgow.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56I'm joined by the guys here. When I first met you,
0:07:56 > 0:07:57I seen boys.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Today, I'm seeing men.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04But only one of you is going to be wee mental Davey.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Remove the bedsheet, please.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10There's me.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Andy!
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Andy.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Look at the guns, man!
0:08:20 > 0:08:25- You are Glasgow, Andy.- I am Glasgow. - How does it feel to be Mr Glasgow?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- Brilliant.- You're going to get to meet Mrs Glasgow.- Oh, very nice!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Have wee Glasgow babies.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34A round of applause for Andy.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35APPLAUSE
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Guy, come here.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46OK, it might be a stretch to say that one poster constitutes
0:08:46 > 0:08:49a marketing campaign, but I'm proud of my efforts.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Myself and Andy, doing our bit to represent the real Glasgow.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Job done.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Good to be back in Glasgow.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05AUDIENCE CHEER
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Good to come back to Glasgow, because you can speak.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13You know when you travel with a Scottish accent, it's kind of hard.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Nobody understands anything you're saying.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21"I've done a few TV shows, I'm a pretty fucking big deal."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"I'm serious news. No, I've done a few TV shows."
0:09:28 > 0:09:31When you've got a Scottish accent on the telly,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33you need to try and enunciate and use proper English,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35but it's hard to find the right balance,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39because no matter how hard you try to enunciate and use proper English,
0:09:39 > 0:09:43there's still somebody from Leamington Spa...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46..saying,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48ENGLISH ACCENT: "We saw you on the television.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52"I didn't quite understand everything you were saying."
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"Didn't quite catch it, some of it went a bit over my head.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04"Your accent is really quite strong.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"You've got a really thick Scotch accent,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08"didn't quite catch everything you said."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Whilst there's somebody in Scotland saying,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"We seen you on the telly talking like a fucking bender."
0:10:27 > 0:10:29"Care to explain yourself?"
0:10:39 > 0:10:42The most important tool in stand-up comedy is your voice.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Speaking clearly, being heard, being understood.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Unless you work in the business of debt recovery,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50a Glasgow accent can be something of a setback.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57So I've come through to Edinburgh, to take a voice coaching lesson.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01The rougher edges of my accent have to be smoothed over pretty quickly,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04as the following night, I have set myself a challenge.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Woody, I'm off to Leamington Spa tomorrow night.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10I've got a gig in there.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Previously, in a joke,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I've mentioned Leamington Spa
0:11:14 > 0:11:17as an example of a town where they struggle to understand my accent.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21The two things that I noticed first of all are you talk too fast.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22OK.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25The other thing I noticed very strongly is that
0:11:25 > 0:11:27you're speaking Scots with a Glaswegian accent,
0:11:27 > 0:11:32and so it's about being what you are a little more slowly,
0:11:32 > 0:11:37and speaking English with that Weegie accent, rather than Scots.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- So slow down, but keep my accent? - Essentially, yes.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Would you recommend just taking loads of Valium before a gig?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Oh, no, no. We can do better than that.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I'll show you a couple of breathing exercises that'll help you do that.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49What we're going to do, is just go...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53..like that.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- It's good, isn't it? - Quite relaxing.- Yeah.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- Good.- I was actually showboating there, as well.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17- I tried a few different rhythms. I'll try a tune.- Yeah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- Shall we go together?- Shall we go in harmony? Pick one you know.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23- Do you know the Prisoner: Cell Block H theme tune?- Absolutely.
0:12:23 > 0:12:28- Let's go for that. It's my favourite all-time song.- One, two, three.
0:12:29 > 0:12:35BOTH GARGLE PRISONER: CELL BLOCK H THEME
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Have you got any examples of sentences that are notoriously quite hard to say?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00You'd maybe use them as examples in your class.
0:13:00 > 0:13:05I was thirsty after 33 therapy sessions in Thirsk.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Try that one.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Thirsk? Thirsk, the place? - The place, aye.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14I was firsty after firty ferapy sessions in Firsk.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Thirsty. Stick your tongue out more. Thirsty.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I was fr..thirsty.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- I was firsty.- Thirsty. - I was firsty.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28- No, that sounds like firsty again. - I was thirsty.- That's much better.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33After Thursday's therapy session in Firsk.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37- In Thirsk.- In Firsk. - No, that sounds like Firsk.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38- Can we change the location?- No.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- ENGLISH ACCENT: I was thirsty. - Better.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44After Thursday's ferapy session in Firsk.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You're getting there, but you're not there yet with the "th".
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- One day before the gig? - One day before the gig.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I recommend you practise in the mirror,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53if you've got a little portable mirror.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Do I look like the kind of guy who carries a portable mirror?
0:13:56 > 0:13:57No.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59A trip to the chemist's.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Woody, fanks. th..anks. Thank you.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Thank you.- Fank you for your time. - No, no, thank YOU.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Are you correcting me, or just fanking me back?- Both!
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Thanks a lot. Cheers for your time.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- I'll let you know how it goes. - Thank you.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18A lot of techniques and tips to take in,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21whilst also trying to entertain the Leamington Spa crowd.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Even if I do make the effort to refine my accent or work on my pronunciation,
0:14:28 > 0:14:32sometimes a slight change in a word can carry significance.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I feel uneasy in the presence of dogs.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Not dogs in the traditional sense, I mean dugs.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42You know you get a difference.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45In Scotland, we call a dog a dug. We take that "o" and make it a "u".
0:14:45 > 0:14:46A dog, a dug.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50It's a slang term, but it's also a social implication,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53in that you get dogs and you get dugs.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58You know what I mean by that? You get, "Oh, look at that wee dog."
0:14:58 > 0:14:59"Watch that fucking dug!"
0:15:08 > 0:15:11One of those big council house terriers, with a name like Sasha.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Someone who brings it on a bus, and it jumps on top of you on the bus, and you shite yourself.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26And the owner goes, "Don't worry, she's only playing with you, don't worry.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27"She's just a big softy."
0:15:29 > 0:15:31And the dug's going, "You know that's a lie!"
0:15:36 > 0:15:37"This isn't over."
0:15:43 > 0:15:49Having to travel to the capital city of Scotland to learn to soften a Scottish accent.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Proving my point that Edinburgh is just England with a few tartan gift shops.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Joking.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59It's difficult to make people laugh if your accident is too broad
0:15:59 > 0:16:02to understand, but an accent can also add to the comedy.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07I headed to London, to catch up with a friend of mine,
0:16:07 > 0:16:12one of my favourite stand-ups, and a genuine cockney, Micky Flanagan.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Micky, I'm from Glasgow, you're from the East End of London.- Yeah.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20We're about to have a conversation. It could be a sad few minutes for the Queen's English.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I want to know where the interpreter is.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I hope we're on after midnight, just to see the woman for the deaf at the front just going...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Do you get described as the cockney guy off the TV?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33- Yeah, you do.- I get the Jock guy.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38Did you find it a problem when you first started, your accent, when you travelled?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41No. The only two places I found it caused problems was in America,
0:16:41 > 0:16:45where they absolutely don't understand a word you're saying!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47You worked there for a year, didn't you?
0:16:47 > 0:16:48In a bar-restaurant.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I was what they call a busboy for a while,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54so you do people's tea and coffee, and they've got a thing in America called,
0:16:54 > 0:16:58this milk, it's half-cream, half-milk, it's called "half and half",
0:16:58 > 0:17:02so the woman said to me, "Excuse me, can I have half and half?"
0:17:02 > 0:17:06So I took it over to her, and then I looked at her old man
0:17:06 > 0:17:08and I went, "Do you want 'alf 'n' 'alf 'n' all?"
0:17:08 > 0:17:09"'Alf 'n' 'alf 'n' all?"
0:17:11 > 0:17:16"Narf 'n narf 'n all? What's narf 'n narf 'n all?"
0:17:16 > 0:17:19And then you almost have to get yourself to go...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21AMERICAN ACCENT: "Half and half"!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Sounds like an antibiotic. Narf 'n narf 'n all.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I used to say to the Americans, "What are you hearing when I speak?"
0:17:25 > 0:17:29They'd say, "All it sounds like is someone going aaooaaooaaooaaoo."
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- Like a didgeridoo.- Yeah.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- I done a gig in New York.- Yeah.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And after the gig, a woman at the bar, she goes,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"Are you actually from Scotland?"
0:17:38 > 0:17:41And I said yes, and she goes, "Man,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43"your English is really good!"
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Have we got any Americans in the room?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- MAN IN AUDIENCE:- Hell yeah!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Just one guy doing a shite accent.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05They don't normally come to Glasgow, the Americans. They visit Edinburgh.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Have we got any Edinburghers?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09AUDIENCE CHEERS AND BOOS
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Big boo for Edinburghers.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I love the Americans in Edinburgh, they're enthusiastic.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Up at Edinburgh Castle, Americans thinking it's a high school...
0:18:18 > 0:18:21..because they hear gunshots every lunchtime.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Scotland has played a big part in your career,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31as any comedian's career does, the Edinburgh Festival.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34It's one of the oddest things in the world to be working in this city
0:18:34 > 0:18:38for nearly eight or nine years, and then you have to go to Edinburgh
0:18:38 > 0:18:43to be discovered by the people who work in your city the rest of the year!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45A lot of comedians, their first impression of Scotland
0:18:45 > 0:18:48is just walking the streets of Edinburgh, getting soaked,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51and worrying about some review in some student magazine.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53There is always a low point in Edinburgh,
0:18:53 > 0:18:55when you've probably had a bad show,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57and someone's given you a bad review,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59and then you stayed out drinking too late,
0:18:59 > 0:19:02you get up in the morning, you flick through the paper,
0:19:02 > 0:19:06and it says, "Two stars", or something, and you think, "Oh, no!"
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I remember doing one of those shows, and I came off stage,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10right after me it was the break,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I was trying to get in the dressing room,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14but the audience toilets were right beside it,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17I was trying to get in fast enough before the audience came in,
0:19:17 > 0:19:18but there was a code,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22and it was one of those, you need to hit 1, 4, 2, 8, then X, Y, and I forgot the code,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I'm stood, I'd just died on my arse,
0:19:24 > 0:19:28and I'm stood outside the dressing room with an entire gig walking past me.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I remember somebody's voice, it was an English guy,
0:19:31 > 0:19:35he looked at me, turned to his mates and goes, "Look. The shit one's locked out!"
0:19:38 > 0:19:43I had that in my head for the whole festival, the shit one's locked out.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46If nothing else, Edinburgh does GIVE you a sense of humour.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- It grounds you.- Yeah.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50If you haven't got one when you turn up,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52you'd better get one really quickly.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- You've gigged in Glasgow, I've met you.- Yeah, I did Glasgow.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56I've met you in Glasgow.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I always worried about going to Glasgow a bit.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Because of the stereotypes? - Well, not so much the, sort of...
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Cockney?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Well, just being English, for a start, but then I sort of,
0:20:08 > 0:20:13vaguely felt that being a, sort of, Eastender, as well, would help, because.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Aye, a working-class connection.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19The Scottish are very much, they'll take you for what you are.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21The other thing that appeals to me, as well,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23about Glasgow and places like Liverpool,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26is you do genuinely feel there's some, for want of a better word,
0:20:26 > 0:20:33an old-fashioned set of socialist values still hovering around in places like Glasgow.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Friday night, it's fucking payday, here we go!
0:20:40 > 0:20:46It's good to be here, in the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre, here we are.
0:20:48 > 0:20:54The SECC, or as it's known locally, that fucking SECC.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58"Three quid for a hot dog in that fucking SECC."
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I love in these big venues, when people come in and they see their mates,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06and they're on the phone going, "Where are you?"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"We're in D, we're in D. Where are you? I'm in K."
0:21:12 > 0:21:16"D E F G H I J K."
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"Stand up. What are you wearing?" "Yellow T-shirt."
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"Oh, I can see you, I can see you. Wanker!"
0:21:31 > 0:21:35It's nice to be here. I seen Lady Gaga perform.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37I seen Lady Gaga in here.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42It's easy to slag Lady Gaga, but the guy puts on a good show.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I've seen him up here, singing about his poker face.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Aye, he's a talented bloke.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Nobody talks about the show after the SECC.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58They just talk about the prices, don't they?
0:21:58 > 0:22:00"Guess how much."
0:22:00 > 0:22:03"Guess how much we paid for three drinks.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"Have a guess, guess how much.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07"For three drinks."
0:22:07 > 0:22:10The key is to aim high and kill the conversation stone dead.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13"How much?" "50 quid."
0:22:13 > 0:22:15"No, it's not as much as that, no."
0:22:19 > 0:22:22"We thought it was expensive, but it sounds as if we've got a bargain."
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Micky, cheers for your insight, your time, your anecdotes.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33- You know, I'm a very intellectual man. You're lucky to have me on here, really.- No.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36It's been a right bubble bath, to say the least!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Is that us? Are we finished?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42ENGLISH ACCENT: Can we speak normally without that bloody Scottish voice(!)
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Now, Justin, are you bringing the boat round this weekend?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- That's the really important thing I wanted to ask you.- Call me. - I will do.- One word.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53INAUDIBLE THROUGH LAUGHTER
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Two words.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05After I left Micky, I had to travel north from London
0:23:05 > 0:23:08for my showcase gig in Leamington Spa.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I was determined to make this comedy gig work, for me,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16for them, for my voice coach, Woody.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24I've followed Woody's advice, bought myself a portable practising mirror,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27so I can practice my fff's and my th's.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I'm off to get myself in shape for this evening's big gig.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34F...F...Ffffforoughly enfralled.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38F...F...F.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Thoroughly enthralled.
0:23:48 > 0:23:54Half an hour before showtime, and I'm preparing to win over the good people of Leamington Spa.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55I'm pretty nervous.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59The show is a sell-out, and I'm performing new jokes in a new voice.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Voice coaching's been done, the research has been done,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07a new voice, new jokes, it's showtime.
0:24:08 > 0:24:13Hopefully it's a thrilling, thrilling ride. Thrilling ride.
0:24:13 > 0:24:14I know the material,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18but I just hope I can adjust seamlessly to my new accent.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Hello. Good evening.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Leamington Spa, I am thoroughly enthralled to be here.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39Leamington Spa, my people, right here.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I've name-dropped you on a few shows.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Just raising awareness of this beautiful place.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47First impressions are everything of a place.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I arrived last night, I looked out my hotel window,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53and all I could see was a Sikh temple...
0:24:56 > 0:24:58..and a tenpin bowling alley.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05I thought, "Is there anywhere I can go in this town without having to take my shoes off?"
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Is it as posh as it seems?
0:25:15 > 0:25:21The reason I done that wee quip in my previous show was that
0:25:21 > 0:25:25I just thought it sounded quite posh, Leamington Spa.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I don't know if it is posh. Is it posh? It looks pretty...
0:25:27 > 0:25:29No? It's what?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31AUDIENCE MEMBER: Royal Leamington Spa.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Royal Leamington Spa.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Says the guy who's disputing the fact that it's posh.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43You've corrected me for calling it Leamington Spa.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46It's not posh, but it's Royal Leamington Spa.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49I thought it was pretty posh.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53I walked through the shops, and even the Greggs is in a listed building.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56That's pretty posh.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00When was the last time anybody here had a Greggs?
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Do you just have that there so you can laugh at the poor people?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08ENGLISH ACCENT: "Oh, look at his little face light up. Ha-ha-ha!"
0:26:08 > 0:26:10We've been filming for this BBC show,
0:26:10 > 0:26:14and I realised it was quite a sophisticated place.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Normally, when you've got a camera crew, camera crews are psychopath magnets.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Everybody wants to see what's getting filmed, you know.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26And there was four guys. I say guys, kids, four schoolchildren, about 10 years old, today,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28and they seen the camera, and one of them waved,
0:26:28 > 0:26:31and his three mates were appalled at the guy waving.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36They said, "Don't look at the camera, Barnaby.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39You'll ruin the shot and they'll edit it out."
0:26:40 > 0:26:43We filmed most of this episode in Scotland,
0:26:43 > 0:26:47where, if four 10-year-olds had seen the camera, they'd be trying to rob the van.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52They jump in front of the camera going, "I'm on the telly, you owe me 60 quid!"
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Thanks for letting me spend a few days in your town.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I don't know why I'm saying thanks for letting me, as if it's North Korea.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Thanks for making me feel welcome in your lovely town.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Spread the love, Leamington Spa.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12See you next time, good night, take care.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25They listened, they laughed. Thanks, Woody.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Totally forgot everything you taught me, but they seem to have understood me.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Job done, Leamington Spa!
0:27:36 > 0:27:39So, I've launched my own advertising campaign
0:27:39 > 0:27:43to promote a more authentic picture of my home city.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49I endured the indignity of a voice coaching lesson,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52and caught up to talk accents
0:27:52 > 0:27:55and identity with one of the country's favourite comedians.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58We're a proud nation, Scotland.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02We don't see ourselves as having much to be proud of, but we're still proud.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07We're often subject to many lazy, stereotypical jokes,
0:28:07 > 0:28:10but we have the humility to laugh at ourselves.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12So, here's to the people of Scotland.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Well, those of you who've paid your TV licence.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd