0:00:02 > 0:00:03This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:03 > 0:00:07I'm Kevin Bridges and this is my wee telly show, Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11As a stand-up comedian, I'm often asked how I come up with my material.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Not that often am I asked that, but I've been asked twice,
0:00:15 > 0:00:18once by a Meat Loaf tribute act and now by the BBC.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21So here we are. This series I'll go behind the jokes,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24showing you the stories behind my comedy routines.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26This episode - school.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:00:55 > 0:00:57School. The happiest days of your life.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I always found that a bit depressing.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04I left school at 16 thinking, "I've probably got another 60 or 70 years left in this world
0:01:04 > 0:01:06"and the good times are gone."
0:01:06 > 0:01:10I was a bit of a hoodlum at school. I'd rather get a laugh from my classmates
0:01:10 > 0:01:13than a good grade from my teachers. But enough about all that!
0:01:13 > 0:01:17I'll catch up with some of the characters from my school days
0:01:17 > 0:01:21and go back to meet the current teachers and pupils.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28My favourite subject was woodwork.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- AUDIENCE CHEER - Woodwork.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Everybody's woodwork teacher was a functioning alcoholic.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37LAUGHTER
0:01:37 > 0:01:39We had a woodwork teacher. His name was Mr Brundle.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41We'd come in in the mornings
0:01:41 > 0:01:46and we'd shout, "Let's get ready to Brundle."
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:57And everybody else in the class was ready to Brundle, except this guy.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01He was fucked!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07His Brundle-ing days were over.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13He'd just be sitting at his desk, about 25 minutes into the class,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17just sitting there, just going...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22HE WEEPS
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Then he'd face the class and say, "Right, kids, I've had a tough, tough weekend.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"I've had a tough time this weekend.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35"I was supposed to go to IKEA,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"but I spent my week's wages in Oddbins."
0:02:39 > 0:02:43"So one of youse wee pricks make me a spice rack."
0:02:53 > 0:02:56'Today, it's my return to my old school.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00'Well, my return to the school they built on top of my old school.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03'But I'm gonna finally make a spice rack,
0:03:03 > 0:03:07'under slightly less pressure and with the help of Mrs Bowie
0:03:07 > 0:03:10'and the pupils of her fifth-year tech class.'
0:03:10 > 0:03:14We'll be working on a spice rack. If we can work in wee groups.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- All right, Miss? Sorry I'm late. - Guys, Kevin's a new boy in school.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23- I'm a bit special, so be nice.- He maybe needs a wee bit of extra help.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Hanif, could you maybe keep an eye on Kevin for me?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- You're my partner, Hanif.- Aye. - Do we hold hands still?- No.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- I wouldn't hold hands, not in here. - OK.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34- Will you get us the tools? - You've got some paper?- I'm good.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- Are you new? - I've been here a long time.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39We never had any female teachers in techie.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42It was always...drunken guys.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- Are you sober?- I haven't met any like that. I'm definitely sober!
0:03:45 > 0:03:50Strange days. It's good to see they focus more on the wood than the booze.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55When you're turning that on, pull this lever down.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00I'm feeling a bit nervous. I was never trusted on these machines. I was a moron.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05At this stage, I'd be at the back of the class, karate-chopping pencils.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Do you still do that? - Sometimes, aye, when I'm bored!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Good man.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- What are these? - The holes for the doweling.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Holes. All right.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I see you've stuck in. You know the technical terms.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21So, we need glue?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I think we've OD'd a little bit on the glue.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Oh, no!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Kevin, are you all right? - Shush. Working, miss.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35- LAUGHTER - That's us.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38That actually looks... SHE LAUGHS
0:04:38 > 0:04:41If in doubt, introduce a mallet.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- What's next? Clocks, mirrors? - That's lovely.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48We made a wee special thing for you in case you didn't get it done properly.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51- Aww! - It might stay together, that one.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54- Is that a dig, Miss? - SHE LAUGHS
0:04:57 > 0:05:02- Cheers, class.- Thank you. - See youse later.- See you!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04HE WHISTLES
0:05:05 > 0:05:08DIALOGUE BLEEPED
0:05:12 > 0:05:15'If I hadn't spent so much of my school days annoying teachers,
0:05:15 > 0:05:19'making my classmates laugh and generally not doing a lot of work,
0:05:19 > 0:05:25'I could've completed that spice rack and maybe left school with some brighter prospects.'
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Ever been in the Jobcentre? Everything's "Must have experience. Must have qualifications."
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I'm just a dickhead.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Last option - you can join the army.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37You've got the British Army recruitment desk.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42You've got the two guys, Robson and Jerome, sitting there.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44With the berets on.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48The guy's going, "Come over here, son. Be the best."
0:05:49 > 0:05:51"Come on."
0:05:54 > 0:05:56I'm thinking, "Me, join the army?
0:05:56 > 0:06:02"T-Mobile just said I don't have enough qualifications to sell phones."
0:06:06 > 0:06:11"Microsoft just said I don't have enough experience to answer phones...
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"..and you want to give me a machine gun?"
0:06:19 > 0:06:23'Leaving school and entering the real world was a tough lesson for me.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26'I met up with actor and writer James Corden,
0:06:26 > 0:06:32'who was just as disruptive and bored at school as I was, and he didn't turn out too bad.'
0:06:32 > 0:06:36- Did you enjoy school, James? - I think I enjoyed it socially.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41I enjoyed being in a group of mates and knowing that they'd be there every day.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45And you always knew where your mates would be.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- "What time is it?" - And you would meet?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51"10.30 break. Oh, they'll be by the bins at the sports hall."
0:06:51 > 0:06:56That's where they'll be. You turn up and you're there and that's where you hang out.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00There was so many... I think back to the people at school
0:07:00 > 0:07:05and I think it was just so odd watching this group of people grow up.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07There was a lad at our school
0:07:07 > 0:07:10who only used to carry his bag on his head.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12But like with the wrap,
0:07:12 > 0:07:18you know, like, the handle of the satchel, just round his head!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21And he'd walk to school like that.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24And then he'd walk around school with his head like that,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28not even using his hands for anything else!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30It's not like, "I've got my hands full."
0:07:30 > 0:07:34He'd just walk to school like that.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37At PE, did you forget your kit and stuff like that?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Everyone took the piss out of me for being heavy.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43What I used to do was just embrace the fact that I was big.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48And at any point that you're about to be told off, pull out the truffle shuffle,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- you're fine because it's funny. - Chunk!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"Waay!" Everyone goes, "You're all right!"
0:07:52 > 0:07:56You go, "Can I get dressed as quick as I can in the corner of this room, please?"
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Were you dying inside? - Oh, of course!
0:07:59 > 0:08:03It's the worst time to tell people to get changed in front of each other.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08There is no good time, but when you're 13, 14, 15,
0:08:08 > 0:08:13it's so cruel that twice a week, you make kids go into a room and take all their clothes off!
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Getting changed was a quest, a mission,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19to not be the person that got bundled.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- Were you developed, in terms of body hair? - No, nothing. I've barely got any now!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Do you remember your first pube? - I can remember thinking,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29"Hang on a minute. These must be pubes!"
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- THEY LAUGH - "This is it!"
0:08:32 > 0:08:36And then going in the next time and just, "Bang!"
0:08:36 > 0:08:39HE SIGHS SATISFACTORILY
0:08:39 > 0:08:44- Sitting with your legs... - "Check out these six bad boys."
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Pubes were such a huge thing at school!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51It was a currency! You used to come in
0:08:51 > 0:08:54and you'd tell people how many pubes you had.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- We had a mate, my mate Tony... - HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:08:57 > 0:09:00..my mate Tony, he used to count his pubes.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04One day, he claimed he had 79 pubes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09He never even rounded it up to 80. 79 pubes.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11But at the time, everyone's going, "Whoa!"
0:09:11 > 0:09:17But being a kid, they go, "Hi. Has he got any pubes?"
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Just the word "pubes"
0:09:20 > 0:09:24takes me back to school immediately!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Remember finding a porn mag in a hedge?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32That's a dying game, isn't it, finding a porno in a bush?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37You're playing football, the ball gets kicked in the bushes,
0:09:37 > 0:09:41somebody would go in to retrieve the ball, they would come out with no ball...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45..proudly parading a wank book.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Match abandoned.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Do people say to you, "Were you funny at school?"- All the time.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00- But everyone was funny at school. - I know.- Everyone was funny.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05Like, I remember this guy who used to jump out of the window,
0:10:05 > 0:10:08go out and come back in
0:10:08 > 0:10:12and just nonchalantly walk back into class.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16The teacher would go, "Where have you been?" He'd go, "The toilet." "Sit down."
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Next time, bang, out the window,
0:10:18 > 0:10:23and just keep going, that relentless thing of... It was awful, really.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26That's creative. I still feel shame when I see my old teachers.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Yeah. - I must've put them through hell.
0:10:28 > 0:10:34An RE teacher was showing us the movie Stigmata, about the guy that gets the scars of Jesus,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36and he was telling us how deep this movie was,
0:10:36 > 0:10:39but one of mates had a watch that could control the TV.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Oh, right!- You put a code in.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45So the lights are off and my mate starts to adjust the volume.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48He's putting it up and the old TV's starting to shake.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Amazing.- My teacher gets on his knees and goes,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54"Children, this is a sign. There's a spiritual presence in the room."
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- No, you're joking.- Somebody goes, "Nah, it's just his watch!"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- James, thanks a lot. - It's a pleasure, man. Thank you.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Pubes.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I'm gonna do a quick pube count.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- 79 pubes.- 79 pubes!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12'Getting away from the pressures of school meant one thing to me -
0:11:12 > 0:11:14'heading home to watch the telly.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19'I was a devout practitioner of the "TV before homework" rule
0:11:19 > 0:11:22'and for me, there was one standout show.'
0:11:22 > 0:11:26I used to watch a programme called Get Your Own Back.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28AUDIENCE CHEER
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Big show in the '90s.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33I'll explain the premise to the more mature audience members.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37It was hosted by a guy called Dave Benson Phillips.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38CHEERING
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Big Dave, as you can see, a fanny magnet!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- Dave Benson Phillips! - LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:52They'd get these kids on who wanted to get their own back on a family member
0:11:52 > 0:11:55who had done something to annoy them.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59They'd tell the story about what their family member had done
0:11:59 > 0:12:02and then they'd bring them on and everybody would boo.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05It was normally a guy and they'd go, "Boo!
0:12:05 > 0:12:10- "How could you do that? Boo!" - HE LAUGHS
0:12:13 > 0:12:17And then they would gunge the guy, cover him in gunge and go, "Boo.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21"Serves you right. That's what you get - gunged. Boo!"
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And that was it. Revenge. Revenge had been had.
0:12:24 > 0:12:30Revenge. It was always really, really shite stories.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35- IN POSH ENGLISH ACCENT:- "I'm here to get my own back on my daddy."
0:12:39 > 0:12:44"Because we were in the car and he farted."
0:12:47 > 0:12:50"And it was absolutely disgusting
0:12:50 > 0:12:54"and he wouldn't put down the window."
0:12:56 > 0:12:59I used to watch this every day,
0:12:59 > 0:13:04just one day hoping for something a bit more hard-hitting.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10"I'm here to get my own back on my Uncle Ronnie.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13"Cos he's a paedo!"
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Everybody's going, "Booo!"
0:13:30 > 0:13:33"Gunge that paedo."
0:13:41 > 0:13:46'I still miss Get Your Own Back and I don't think 4pm-television has ever filled that gap.'
0:13:46 > 0:13:48CHEERING
0:13:51 > 0:13:54'So imagine my delight when I realised that one of my TV idols
0:13:54 > 0:13:57'was still a big-time player on the gunging scene
0:13:57 > 0:14:01'and he agreed to appear in Glasgow for one night only.'
0:14:07 > 0:14:09My name is Dave Benson Phillips, and you are here
0:14:09 > 0:14:13are at a very, very unique edition of Get Your Own Back.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Now, we've got a very special edition
0:14:18 > 0:14:23because it's a teacher who wants to get their own back on a certain pupil.
0:14:23 > 0:14:29I'll let them introduce themselves. Please go wild and crazy, though, for Mr Farmer!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31AUDIENCE CHEER
0:14:31 > 0:14:33HIGH-OCTANE DANCE MUSIC
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Hello.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Who do you want to get your own back on?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- Kevin Bridges. It has to be. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Now, why is that, sir?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Silly questions, he'd jump up and down on the windows,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48he'd knock on the door...
0:14:48 > 0:14:49It's put years on me.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Mr Kevin Bridges!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56AUDIENCE: Booo!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Kevin, get over here. Have you got anything to say for yourself?
0:14:59 > 0:15:04Mr Farmer, I'd love to say you've changed, but you have not changed a bit.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08So between 6'6 and 6'7, quite a distinctive-looking guy.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10A ponytail, quite thin...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12He showed up at a school in Glasgow.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15You were a bit too tall for the car.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- He had two canoes on the roof. - Two canoes!
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Then you would hear his accent and discover that he was English, as well.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Everybody in the class who was up for a laugh -
0:15:24 > 0:15:29everybody in the school - just thought, "Jackpot!"
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- You were not on your own in any of this, were you?- No.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35My wingman, my co-pilot, is Tony.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38THEY CHANT: Tony! Tony! Tony!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Tony! AUDIENCE: Boo!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47OK, how bad was it?
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- It just made my day every day. - LAUGHTER
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Just hilarious every single day!
0:15:54 > 0:15:59He tried to split us up and said, "No longer can you sit beside who you want to sit beside.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"We'll sit you in alphabetical order."
0:16:01 > 0:16:03But my surname's Bridges
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- and Tony's surname's Clark, so... - Good grief!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Oh, come on!
0:16:09 > 0:16:13So we're pretty much due punishment for this.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16We are going to put you two in the gunge tank!
0:16:16 > 0:16:18AUDIENCE CHEER
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Ten!
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Nine!- Eight!- Seven!- Six!
0:16:30 > 0:16:31- Five!- Four!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Three!- Two!
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- One!- Get your own back!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39HIGH-OCTANE DANCE MUSIC
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Mr Farmer, how do you feel, on a scale of one to ten?
0:16:56 > 0:17:01- 50.- 50! You heard it from here, everybody!
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- Kevin, what about you? - It feels great. We're actually into this sort of stuff.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Thank you, everybody! Bye-bye!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Thank you very much! Thank you!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Thank you!
0:17:17 > 0:17:21'Kid's TV can give you a welcome escape from the slog of school
0:17:21 > 0:17:23'and it helps maintain a sense of innocence,
0:17:23 > 0:17:28'and that innocence was very obvious, even in an adult world.'
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Remember when word spread when you were 15,
0:17:30 > 0:17:34if you went to the health centre they gave you condoms.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39None of us were well-sexed, but you got the condoms and filled them up with water.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42They'd become water balloons.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Using a condom in a water fight, the thinking-man's water fight.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49But you'd always have one friend who would take it too far
0:17:49 > 0:17:53and introduce a Durex Extra Safe.
0:17:59 > 0:18:05A Durex Extra Safe in a water fight? You'll fucking put somebody in a coma!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14A Durex Ribbed Extra Safe?
0:18:14 > 0:18:18He'll need facial reconstruction!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25'At the same time as me and my mates were soaking each other,
0:18:25 > 0:18:29'there were proper scientists, in labs, messing about with condoms,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32'but for more valid reasons.'
0:18:32 > 0:18:34You can see how much stress you can get.
0:18:34 > 0:18:40'I went along to one of those labs to meet up with engineer and broadcaster Dr Mark Miodownik
0:18:40 > 0:18:44'to explore the previously hidden world of condom-testing.'
0:18:44 > 0:18:46You're catering for a select few men there, surely?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49This is the actual test itself.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50Two fingers.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- This is just... Ahh. That... - Pretty safe.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- You strike me as a ribs-and-dots man.- Really?
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- Can we use a Ribbed Pleasure? Have you used them already?- No.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Let's use a Ribbed Pleasure. - You're right.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Over here, we've got this...
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- This is just, erm, a pump! - You've got a pump.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10What we do is, we put that over this cork
0:19:10 > 0:19:13and that cork is connected to the pump.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- I'll keep an eye on the pressure. - This is the pressure gauge here. - Right, OK.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Which pressure should we be...? What's the target?- 250 there.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Can you get a tighter grip?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Mark, I feel a bit bad.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33I don't think any man with a PhD from Oxford should ever be in this situation.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Oh, I think that's us about the 250-mark.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37CONDOM POPS Both: Oh!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39It got to the 250 - that's a pass.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- Well done, Mr Condom.- Yes, well done, Mr Condom.- Well done, Johnny.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Apparently one-in-three 15 year olds in the UK
0:19:46 > 0:19:48admit to being sexually active.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52That was a shock tabloid headline. I don't know where they get this evidence.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I don't know who they ask to get the statistics.
0:19:55 > 0:20:01If some youth worker approached you when you were 15 years old,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04in front of all your pals...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:20:06 > 0:20:10..and asked you if you were sexually active,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12I'd say "Fucking right, mate!"
0:20:12 > 0:20:15AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"Who, Shagger?"
0:20:26 > 0:20:29"Put me in for five, pal."
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Shall we try an extra-safe?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35'It was now my opportunity to turn teacher
0:20:35 > 0:20:39'and introduce Mark into the ways of condoms - my ways.'
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- This is where I take over.- Ahh!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- I like to go for high pressure. - I can see your technique.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Yes.- Like a chicken, you throttle it at the top.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53You think it's gonna burst, but somehow it keeps on going. The hardest bit is getting the knot.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58- That's a beautiful sculpture. - Thank you. Wait till you see it when it's finished.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- You look like someone who's done this many times. - I grew up on this sort of stuff.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- Water balloon. It's a two-man operation.- OK!
0:21:06 > 0:21:11- Try and get it to the window...- OK. - ..in a two-man heave.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15It's like holding a baby. That's how serious I take it. Cherish.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19..at a family gathering, there's a new-born baby
0:21:19 > 0:21:23getting passed around somebody's living room like a joint.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:21:31 > 0:21:33And everybody's saying their piece.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Some people have this natural rapport when they speak to babies.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41They can just go, "Aw, look at you! Ahh!"
0:21:41 > 0:21:46And the baby starts mumbling. "Are you telling me a wee story?"
0:21:47 > 0:21:51It's getting closer and closer to me and I'm thinking, "Shit!"
0:21:51 > 0:21:53AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:21:55 > 0:22:00"I need to pretend I give a fuck!"
0:22:04 > 0:22:07It gets to me and I just kind of freeze.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11I'm going, "H-H-How you doing, mate?"
0:22:15 > 0:22:17And then the baby feels the tension, starts to cry,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21everybody looks at me as if I'm in the wrong here.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23"Toughen up, ya wee prick!"
0:22:26 > 0:22:29This is the difficult part. You're gonna have to pass me it up.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31It feels like holding a droplet of water.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35It's a trip down Memory Lane. I'm getting quite nostalgic here.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- This is my first time! - One, two, three.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43It's beautiful! It is beautiful.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47That's a lot of water. It's such a grim thing to see - a used, burst condom.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50It had a thrilling life.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54So, Mark, from what you've seen, a guy at a slightly elevated height,
0:22:54 > 0:22:58dropping a condom filled with water into a sink, have you anything scientific?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00It's not one of the tests they use.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04I thought labs would be full of guys banging their heads and dropping johnnies in.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- It's good to discover your inner scientist.- Yep.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13I'm glad I've discovered your inner dickhead, 13 year old.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Me, too!- Thanks for your time.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- I'll give you a rubbery sort of spermicide shake. - Thank you very much!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29'It didn't feel enough to just build a spice rack,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31'so with the headmaster's permission,
0:23:31 > 0:23:36'I went back to crack a few funnies for senior pupils and teachers.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38'And when it comes to my big intro,
0:23:38 > 0:23:43'one of my former teachers is, well, honest.'
0:23:43 > 0:23:45OK, can I have your attention, please?
0:23:45 > 0:23:50Once in every while, you see a pupil who is destined for superstardom.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It was not this next person, I have to say.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56School and Kevin Bridges did not go well together.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00He probably saw more of a corridor and the outside of a classroom door
0:24:00 > 0:24:02than what he did of the inside.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Kevin Bridges!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08PUPILS CHEER
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Hello! Good afternoon.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25St Peter The Apostle, how are we doing?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27A big hand for Mr Darroch.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31A big hand for Paul. I can call him Paul.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33KEVIN LAUGHS
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Mr Darroch, that beautiful introduction... I still owe him a punny.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Do you still get them - punishment exercises?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45- PUPILS SHOUT OUT - No, you don't. All right.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Now I feel old. I've only left here about eight years ago, but stuff has changed.
0:24:50 > 0:24:56Stevie the Jannie is the only face that I recognise!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Stevie the Janitor. How are you doing?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02We used to stand outside the toilets and he'd walk by
0:25:03 > 0:25:05and everybody used to go, "Stevie!"
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Make sure that continues. Give a bit of respect for this guy.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14How's things, Stevie? Are you enjoying it still behind the ice cream van?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Finding the sixth years, selling them single fags for 50p.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Legend, this guy!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24You don't get punnies?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29So, what is the discipline process if you misbehave in class?
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- PUPILS SHOUT OUT - You get what?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Who said that? What?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- BOY: DT. - You get DT?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39What does that stand for? Detention.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43DT? So, what does the "T" stand for?
0:25:43 > 0:25:48DT stands for De-Tention? So you've split up the word into two words.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Where's the English teacher? You need to get this sorted.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56DT. You get detention. Anybody get detention today?
0:25:56 > 0:26:00You're the fifth and sixth years, you're the most civilised people.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05The fourth year, that's when the nutters leave.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08They're the ones that would chuck a table at the teacher
0:26:08 > 0:26:10for pointing out a spelling mistake in their homework.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15What's your name? Leo. What do you want to be when you leave school?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- INAUDIBLE - An engineer. Good.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22Are you confident you'll get a job as an engineer? What qualifications do you need?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- Are you doing higher maths? - I got it last year.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26All right!
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Sitting there with his legs spread. "It's already in the bank!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33"Next!"
0:26:33 > 0:26:38What's the plans this weekend, Leo? You're no longer children. You're young adults.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Do you get teachers who say that? "You're young adults."
0:26:42 > 0:26:45"Shut up, sir."
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Are you going out this weekend? Shrugging the shoulders.
0:26:49 > 0:26:54You're not gonna be standing outside Spar trying to find an old guy to go in for you.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56"Can you get us a litre of Merrydown, big man?"
0:26:56 > 0:27:00I remember getting ID'd when you'd be 17.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03You'd get asked for ID and you'd try and play it cool.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07"ID? Er... I must've left that in the car."
0:27:09 > 0:27:13"Perhaps when I was dropping off the kids."
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Anybody else got ambitions?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22No? Just Leo.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Any questions? I promised a wee Q-and-A session.
0:27:25 > 0:27:30- A hand has went up straight away. What's your name?- Natasha. - What's your question, Natasha?
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Did you have any favourite teachers in St Columba's?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Favourite teachers...
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Well, I got a higher in Business Management,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41thanks to this woman right here - Miss Donnan.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43PUPILS CHEER
0:27:46 > 0:27:49And I got higher English, as well. Is Mr Ford still here?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- PUPILS SHOUT - Do you remember Mr Ford?
0:27:52 > 0:27:54There's a guy in the back row with a similar haircut.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Can we see? Can you stand up, sir?
0:27:58 > 0:28:02- This guy right here. - HE LAUGHS
0:28:04 > 0:28:08We've got a Mr Ford tribute act up there!
0:28:08 > 0:28:12Well, St Peter The Apostle, it's been good being back at my old school,
0:28:12 > 0:28:16even though it's been demolished,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18rebuilt and then renamed!
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Good luck with your higher exams. Good luck for the future.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27Take care of each other. Peace and love. Thank you.
0:28:30 > 0:28:35'Making people laugh was my main ambition at school, so I've found my true vocation.'
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39'I may have wasted my time at school,
0:28:39 > 0:28:44'but for a couple of days at least, I excelled myself in woodwork...
0:28:44 > 0:28:47- Kevin, are you all right? - Shush. Working, Miss.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49'..I got gunged by a TV legend...
0:28:49 > 0:28:52This could get messy! Are you up for that?
0:28:52 > 0:28:56'..and laughed at the small things that used to feel so important.'
0:28:56 > 0:28:59Pubes. Pubes was such a huge thing at school!
0:28:59 > 0:29:03'For me, school's out. Home time.'
0:29:03 > 0:29:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:06 > 0:29:09E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk