0:00:00 > 0:00:04I'm Kevin Bridges, and this is my new, wee telly show -
0:00:04 > 0:00:06Kevin Bridges - What's The Story?
0:00:06 > 0:00:07As a stand up comedian,
0:00:07 > 0:00:10I'm often asked how I come up with my material.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12I'm not actually asked that often.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16But I've been asked once by my next door neighbour, and now by the BBC.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19So here we are. In this series I'll go behind the jokes,
0:00:19 > 0:00:22showing you the real life stories behind my comedy routines.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24This episode - Travel.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Travel sounds a lot more intriguing than it actually is, for me,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57because I've never been travelling in the proper Expedia sense of
0:00:57 > 0:00:59"Guys, why don't we spend our gap year
0:00:59 > 0:01:02"yak wanking in the Himalayas?"
0:01:02 > 0:01:03There's a difference.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07There's travelling, in that you spend some time in a new part of the world,
0:01:07 > 0:01:11meet the people, learn the language, immerse yourself in the culture.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14And then there's travelling in that you save up a grand,
0:01:14 > 0:01:15go to Spain for two weeks,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18and come back with a bottle of absinthe and chlamydia.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29Package holidays with my mum and dad were my first experiences of foreign travel.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Every year, thousands of us head south,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35away from the misery of a wet summer,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37to sample the sunshine abroad.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41And like all special occasions, we like to do it in style.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Summer time's approaching. Holiday time's coming up.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Anybody going on holiday?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48CHEERING
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Woo! Yeah!
0:01:49 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:53The carnage starts before you even leave your own country,
0:01:53 > 0:01:58on the plane, about to leave. That's when you see chaos on a plane.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Guys just, like, swinging their T-shirts around their head on the plane.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:05There's always one guy, delayed.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08He's getting the final call back in the departure lounge.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Final, final call, final call.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12The whole plane's delayed.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Seatbelts fastened, waiting to go, waiting on this guy.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17He finally emerges.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Front of the plane, the sombrero emerges.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:33And rather than apologise for the inconvenience and the delay
0:02:33 > 0:02:35that he's caused everybody on the plane,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38he just kind of scopes the cabin to find the rest of his pals.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:43And shouts "Ho-ho!"
0:02:43 > 0:02:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:49 > 0:02:52"Here we go!"
0:02:52 > 0:02:54And the whole plane's thinking, "No chance."
0:02:54 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:02:59"This plane better crash."
0:02:59 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:05It's the kind of flights you want to see a hijacker on, on that plane.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:07 > 0:03:10You want to see an al-Quaeda suicide bomb attempt on that plane,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Glasgow to Palma.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14LAUGHTER
0:03:14 > 0:03:18You've spent the last 15 years of your life in Taliban training camps,
0:03:18 > 0:03:23on the flight simulators, ready to die for a cause you believe in.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Ready to give your life for 72 virgins.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30For Allah, for the jihad.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32You're on that plane.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35You're trying to stay focused. Must be pretty intense,
0:03:35 > 0:03:37the place you need to go to inside your mind
0:03:37 > 0:03:39to commit such an atrocity.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41You're trying to stay concentrating,
0:03:41 > 0:03:46whilst an inflatable crocodile gets smacked off the back of your head.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"Gonnae pass that back up, mate? Cheers."
0:04:03 > 0:04:06But the show must go on. The kamikaze headband goes on.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10You're in the aisle, shouting "Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!"
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Nobody bats an eyelid.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER
0:04:17 > 0:04:20People singing, and banging the windows.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:25 > 0:04:29MUSIC: "Hello" by Martin Solveig and Dragonette
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I've come to Spain.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36An all-year-round destination for the Brit abroad,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38most of whom are craving the familiar
0:04:38 > 0:04:42rather than the exotica of foreign travel.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I was here in the dead of winter to visit the city
0:04:45 > 0:04:47where the package holiday was born.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Benidorm! We have arrived.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I'm struggling to believe this place is actually Spain.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56We just went for dinner there.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58On the menu there was a choice of bangers and mash,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, fish and chips, Cornish pasties.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I'm actually looking forward to going back to Scotland
0:05:04 > 0:05:06where there's decent tapas bars.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08So, that's dinner.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11We're now heading out on the front line to see what's going down.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Wish me luck.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15CHEERING
0:05:18 > 0:05:20After a bit of wandering,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I bumped into some holiday-makers out for the night.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Where are you from? - I'm from Liverpool, me.- Liverpool.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- Liverpool?- Yeah.- Yeah. - You going to the karaoke bar?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- Karaoke? There's loads of them. - I like the karaoke, yeah.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35It's the best thing you can hear on holiday, is a Scouser on the karaoke.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- You need to sing Katy Perry. Sing it.- All right, Katy Perry?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42BOTH SING: "Baby you're a firework Baby you're a firework."
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Say "Cheese!"- There you go. - Thank you.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- You always come to Benidorm? - Yeah, 16 year.- 16 years?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52You've been here, or you've come every summer?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- Every year, twice a year. - Twice a year.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Does it ever change?- It has changed this year.- What's changed?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00A lot of it's changed. Different places.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02You're looking for a specific change.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05That's how much it's changed, you can pinpoint the one change.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Do you like Benidorm? - Aye, it's all right.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- It's the first time I've been here. - Is it?- Aye, it's all right.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13- SHE LAUGHS - It's your last!- It's nice.
0:06:13 > 0:06:19MUSIC: "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5
0:06:19 > 0:06:21The UK comedy club.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25"Albi Senior. The British Bulldog Of Comedy."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I could be supporting that guy in 30 years,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29if it all goes wrong here.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32# Take me by the tongue And I'll know you
0:06:32 > 0:06:36# Kiss me till you're drunk And I'll show you
0:06:36 > 0:06:37# All the moves like Jagger... #
0:06:39 > 0:06:43If Scotland's sunny and nice, do you prefer Scotland to Spain?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I might do, actually.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47If we had better weather back home, I probably would.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- Right. Because why? - Sunshine.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- So that's the only thing about Spain?- Sunshine makes you feel good.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- So Spain's just for sun? You're just using...- Comedians.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- What?- Comedians. - Comedians are better in Spain?- Yeah.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Than Scotland? Is that right?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Can we bin this guy? Let's get him covered up.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Benidorm didn't disappoint.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Loads of Brits arriving for some sun,
0:07:13 > 0:07:17and on a one-way track to booze-fuelled self destruction.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I'm off the drink for the night, as tomorrow I've got work to do
0:07:20 > 0:07:22and people to meet.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Benidorm in the winter was feeling like a retirement home.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38I'm sure me being 25 was bringing the average age down to about 90.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40But what I was looking for were families
0:07:40 > 0:07:42enjoying the kind of holidays that I remember.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46I went on holiday when I was younger, like seven years old.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50There's a big age gap between me and my brother. So I'd need to go, seven years old,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53with just me, my mum and dad. And I'd be bored on the first day.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55My mum would say, "Don't worry, don't worry.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57"I'll find you a wee pal."
0:07:57 > 0:08:00LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:06"Don't worry, we'll find you a wee friend. We'll find you somebody to play with."
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Get introduced to some other stray.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Who would come with a disclaimer.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17"Kevin, this is Brandon. Brandon, he doesn't like the pool."
0:08:17 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:27I'd say "Hi, Brandon." He'd say, "Hi, Kevin."
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Brandon doesn't like the sunshine.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Brandon doesn't play football.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Brilliant! Two weeks in Majorca
0:08:36 > 0:08:38sitting in the shade
0:08:38 > 0:08:42playing Connect Four with an albino.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:45 > 0:08:51MUSIC: "Holiday" by Vampire Weekend
0:08:51 > 0:08:52After a bit of hunting,
0:08:52 > 0:08:57I met up with one Scottish family enjoying an all-inclusive deal.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00What's been the highlight of the holiday so far?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- The weather!- Aye, sun. - Getting away from Greenock?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Aye.- Getting away from the rain.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09So, Joseph, you were in a bad mood before I came here. What happened?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Did you get a row?
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Was it just? Did you deserve a row?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16No? Good man, stick to your guns.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Did you say sorry? No? I like this guy. He's a hard man.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21He's a badass.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:27You go on holiday. Lying round the pool, relaxing, during the day.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30And here comes this guy.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34With a T-shirt on, and a whistle. The leader of the kids' club.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35LAUGHTER
0:09:35 > 0:09:41This prick, leader of the kids' club. Blowing his whistle.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Trying to get the kids into the shallow end
0:09:43 > 0:09:46for a game of water polo.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50And you've got all these wee, inbred, mutant bastards.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Screaming and splashing.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Going, "Mummy!"
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- ENGLISH ACCENT: - "Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Then there's the Scottish kids, they're just kind of floating.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:11They're still fucked from the night before.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:24 > 0:10:27"Water polo, mate? Maybe some other time, eh?"
0:10:27 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:33"We're not long in, mate. We just got in, man. Honestly."
0:10:33 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:37"Doing two for ones in that sports cafe last night."
0:10:40 > 0:10:42"I've got a throat like a junkie's carpet, man."
0:10:42 > 0:10:47LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- ENGLISH ACCENT: - "Mummy! Mummy, can I have an ice cream?"
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "Ho, Dad! Ho, Dad!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"Ho, Dad!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02"Ho, Brian! Give us another one of your fags, gonnae?"
0:11:02 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:06You met a girlfriend? No?
0:11:06 > 0:11:11How come you're going red? Is that sunburn? In the shade?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Or are you embarrassed? - Feeling sunburnt.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15You looking forward to going home?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Aye? You not enjoyed your holiday?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- You don't know?- All right.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23- Mum and Dad going, "You better have enjoyed it, we paid serious money." - I know.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26"Don't you tell me that, you ungrateful wee shite."
0:11:26 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29That's what my mum and dad would say.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Just keep a smile on your face and tell them you've had the time of your life.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43That's enough family counselling for the day. My trip to Benidorm was almost over...
0:11:43 > 0:11:47MUSIC: "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean
0:11:47 > 0:11:50..but not before I made my debut on Spanish radio.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Well, sort of Spanish.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Well, a very good morning, Costa Blanca,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58welcome to the mid-morning hour right here at Cool FM,
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and we've got a bit of a treat for you.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03As promised, live in the studio,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07top stand-up comedian Kevin Bridges. Hello, there!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Yes, how are you Cheryle?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- I'm fine, thank you. - Buenos dias.- Very good.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Very good? Probably the most Spanish that's ever been spoken in Benidorm.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17SHE LAUGHS
0:12:17 > 0:12:19OK, thank you very much indeed for being here.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Is that me finished? That's us done, we can go!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Tell us exactly why you're here. - Exactly why?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- As opposed to just why?- Yes.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30We're here to film the people on holiday,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32or people who've been on holiday in the summer,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35and have now returned for a court appearance.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37People were very responsive, in fact.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40When you walk into a mobbed pub with a camera crew.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43You tended to get noticed.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46We thought we'd hit the streets last night. There was a mechanical bull.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- Yes?- It was good for the back.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- It wasn't a bull in summer. - It wasn't a bull?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55No, it was something else, which I can't possibly say on the radio.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56The bull wasn't a bull in summer?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59So as soon as it goes to September the first,
0:12:59 > 0:13:01they phone an engineer to remove a...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Can we say phallus on the radio?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- You just have.- Remove a mechanical phallus and replace it with a bull.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10What do they do with the phallus for the rest of the winter?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- I have no idea. - Is it in a van somewhere?
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Moving on!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Let's find it!
0:13:17 > 0:13:21What do you think about the culture? The Spanish way, "manana".
0:13:21 > 0:13:23In Spain, you go for a sleep in the afternoon.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28- Siesta.- It's called a siesta. But in the UK if you sleep in the afternoon it's called depression.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29SHE LAUGHS
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- We're a bit tougher than the Spanish.- Kevin Bridges, everybody.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36We're going to take you to the top of the hour with Cliff Richard.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Thank you.- No problem, Cheryle, cheers for having me.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43MUSIC: "Summer Holiday" by Cliff Richard
0:13:45 > 0:13:48The charms of Benidorm are undeniable.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50It's warm and welcoming.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Although, for me, it was lacking a bit of atmosphere.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Maybe that's what you get when you take a holiday in October.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04For comedians, travel is a big part of your life,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08and when we do get some time off, it's important to make the most of the holidays.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13I met up with fellow stand-up Sarah Millican to talk about her travel and her holidays.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Sarah, do you remember your first ever holiday?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I remember the first holiday where we went abroad.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I was four or five, and we went to Malta.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28And I'd just started to heavily get into counting things,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31and I wandered along the beach on my own, cos you could, in those days,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35and when I came back, my mam said "What have you seen?"
0:14:35 > 0:14:37And I'd counted 93 boobs.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:4193. So there's a one-titted woman or man.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Maybe I was doing it in pairs. That's a lot of boobs.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- So, Malta. And that was your family, the whole family?- Yes.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49What was the last holiday you were on?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52We went to a little place in Spain.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56And you know when you look on Trip Advisor, and you have a little look,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58and the only complaint that anybody said about the hotel
0:14:58 > 0:15:02was that the area it was in was nothing like Benidorm, and we were like,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04"Good! Excellent! That's exactly what we want."
0:15:04 > 0:15:07In Marbella, me and three mates arrived in a nice hotel.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Right.- And it was the beautiful people...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Really?- ..that'd spent three months getting ready to relax.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Three months getting stressed before they come.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- Like going on sunbeds before they go on holiday to look great. - What's the point?- I know.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23That's an extreme version of brushing your teeth before the dentist.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Why do people get tanned before they go somewhere where they want to get a tan?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29We showed up, and you could feel the whole pool going,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31"Who ordered four dicks?" pretty much.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33SHE LAUGHS
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And I thought the only way to break the tension
0:15:36 > 0:15:40was just go in hard. I took my T-shirt off and ran and did a big bomb. Right in the pool.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44I don't feel brilliant in a swimming costume. I don't mind, but I don't feel brilliant.
0:15:44 > 0:15:50- When I was younger I was the fat guy in a T-shirt in the pool.- It's horrible!- Get burnt there and there.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I saw these tiny, skinny women going in the pool,
0:15:52 > 0:15:55and I thought, "I'm not going to walk in alongside one of them."
0:15:55 > 0:15:59So I waited until a kid went in, cos kids are all really fat, these days,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02and I watched him go in and I walked alongside him,
0:16:02 > 0:16:05and everybody was looking at this nine-year-ld boy with boobs,
0:16:05 > 0:16:10and they just didn't even bat an eyelid at me. You can almost go in behind them, like that.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Then you get a bit older, and you go on a holiday with our mates,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16as I'm sure a few of you are doing, a few young people,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19going on your first holiday with your mates.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21CHEERING
0:16:21 > 0:16:24That's when you see proper carnage.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27You go on holiday with your mates, you confuse having a laugh
0:16:27 > 0:16:30and being a major health and safety hazard.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:34You see groups of guys walking about the airport.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37"Anything to declare?" "Aye, he's a gay boy."
0:16:37 > 0:16:41LAUGHTER
0:16:46 > 0:16:50That sign said, "Anything to declare?" and I said, "He's a gay boy."
0:16:50 > 0:16:52This holiday's going to be mental.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Well, my boyfriend doesn't like to fly.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02He gets really stressed, and it's just not worth it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04He's the most rational person in the world,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07but put him in an airport and he's not happy at all.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12- You scared of flying?- No, I'm all right. I'm so good at flying that I sleep the whole time.
0:17:12 > 0:17:18- I'm the same. Relax me. - I flew business class once. Oh, my God, it was better than my flat!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20But they give you noise cancelling headphones.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23if you've got noise cancelling headphones on,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25you fart without really knowing that you're farting.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29And even though you can sort of feel that something's happening,
0:17:29 > 0:17:33there's something about the air pressure, being so high up that makes you quite pumpy anyway.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- I've done that.- And I was just cranking them out.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38But everybody else has got their noise cancelling on.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I think people just wake up and go, "I think they're cooking.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"They must be cooking, cos I can smell something horrendous."
0:17:44 > 0:17:45HE LAUGHS
0:17:45 > 0:17:49I've done that a few times on iPods when I'm travelling.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I've removed one ear just to judge it, just to make sure, and then back in.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55LAUGHTER
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Do you speak any foreign languages? - I did French and German A-Levels.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01So it's in the back there, but I don't really know where it is.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03You need to get worksheets.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08Couldn't find any nice restaurants in Paris, I'm sure they exist, but we kept going, like, brasseries.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12It was like we asked for something sub-standard with chips, that's all we got.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17The waiter looked at us, and went "Je voudrais...?" As if to say, "Let's start you off."
0:18:17 > 0:18:18He was such a cocky swine.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23And Gary got a bit too carried away and said it so, sort of, confidently,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26and then forgot where he was, and just went "danke schoen" on the end.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31And we're like, "No! You're just remembering languages from school!"
0:18:31 > 0:18:36And I remembered "the bill" was "l'addition", so I said, "Can I have l'addition, please?"
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Just put that one word in the middle.
0:18:38 > 0:18:39SHE LAUGHS
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- Well, happy travelling, Sarah. - And you.- I'll see you on the road. - Absolutely.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48They say travel broadens the mind.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51But not if you're just eating burgers and sitting in karaoke bars.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55The first step to experiencing a new culture is to learn a new language.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59I was in a party with Polish people.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01There was one Polish guy I was speaking to, right?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03The Polish guy never spoke any English,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06and I don't speak much Polish, so it became apparent
0:19:06 > 0:19:10that a conversation would present some significant linguistical challenges.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13LAUGHTER
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Then I remembered I'd done some French when I was younger.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20French. Find the common denominator with the Polish guy.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24So I said, "Eh, parlez-vous francais?"
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And the Polish guy says, "Oui."
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I'm going, "cool."
0:19:33 > 0:19:37LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:44See, "parlez-vous francais" is kind of all I've got in the tank.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:50But the Polish guy now thinks I speak French, so...
0:19:50 > 0:19:55LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:58He's going, "Je peux avoir dans voie toilet en la bouleur?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:01"Oui!"
0:20:01 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:09The next day, "Who told that Polish guy he could take a shite in the kettle?"
0:20:09 > 0:20:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:18 > 0:20:21In the hope of opening up future travel options,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24and maybe avoid the potential abuse of kitchen appliances,
0:20:24 > 0:20:29I decided to challenge myself, and see if I could force myself to pick up some basic French.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35I don't know if you've seen any of my work before, but there was a certain bit in my routine
0:20:35 > 0:20:38where I was talking about being at a party with Polish people.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Right.- And there'd been a communication breakdown.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45So I said "Je peux avoir dans la toilee en la bouilleur."
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Can I have in the toilet in the kettle?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Can I have in the toilet in the kettle? So that's what I said?
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Yeah.- Close enough.- It's close enough, yeah. It's not that far.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59And you're the first person that's seen that as a flaw. All the people that have seen that joke.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04- Really?- Only person that noticed it. Shocking lack of French knowledge. - Do you want the real phrase?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07How would I say in French "Is it OK if I take a shite in the kettle?"
0:21:07 > 0:21:11It depends if you want to say "take a shite" in a kind of formal way, in a nice way?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13In the formal way? As in, not in the kettle?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- OK, so.- That's pretty informal.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- That's quite informal.- There's very few things more informal than shitting in the kettle.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- You would say "Est-ce que je peux..." - "Est-ce que je peux..."
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- "..faire caca..." - "..faire caca..."
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- "..dans la bouilloire". - That's a mouthful.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- So...- "Est-ce que je peux..."
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- "Esh que p..."- "Est-ce que je peux..."- "Esh..."
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- So, one more time. - "Est-ce que je peux..."
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"Esh quo popo..."
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Fine. OK. We're going to work on, like, sequencing all the words.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45We're going to "ce que" - do that, "ce que".
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- "Ssh que..."- "Sss."- "Sss."
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- OK.- "Ce que..."- "Ce que..."
0:21:51 > 0:21:52- "Est-ce que."- "Est-ce que."
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- "Est-ce que je peux..." - "Est-ce que je peux..."
0:21:55 > 0:21:59- "..faire caca..."- "..faire caca..." - "..dans la bouilloire." - "..dans la bouilloire."
0:21:59 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I'd love if one of your other students walked in and heard this.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And thought, "Right, this guy's at quite an advanced level.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10"He's moved on to how to defecate in kitchen appliances."
0:22:10 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- It's always useful. - It's good to see a bit of progress.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18- Normally he starts off with numbers games, but this guy just sailed to the top.- I know.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19LAUGHTER
0:22:19 > 0:22:23Christophe, the French that I've retained is either crude stuff,
0:22:23 > 0:22:27like "je veux te penetrer" and "merde" and stuff like that.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- Or stuff I've remembered through song, like the alphabet song.- OK.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35- And "Alouette, gentille alouette". - So what would be a good song? - Songs, I need songs.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- The days of the week.- OK. - Do you know the song, what's the Craig David song,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- "Took her for a drink on Monday..." - You remember the whole song? - I know it.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Can you write it? - I'll write it on the board.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- And I'll sing the song. - You dictate it first, and I'll try and translate it.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- You mean you don't know the lyrics?- No, sorry.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Right. "I met this girl," was it Monday?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55"Je l'ai rencontre lundi."
0:22:55 > 0:22:57"Je l'ai rencontre lundi."
0:22:57 > 0:23:00And then he took her for a drink on Tuesday, I believe.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Then they were making love on Wednesday.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- OK.- And on Thursday and Friday and Saturday.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09On a fait l'amour.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12KEVIN LAUGHS
0:23:12 > 0:23:15And then they chilled on dimanche.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- OK. So we're going to say "On s'est relaxe."- "On s'est relaxe."- OK.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22OK?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- Tu peux chanter, OK? - Need to get the beat going.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- SINGS:- # Didn't she mind? #
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"Je l'ai..." Right.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# Je l'ai rencontre lundi
0:23:31 > 0:23:33# Je l'ai invite a boire une verre mardi
0:23:33 > 0:23:36# On a fait l'amour mercredi, jeudi, vendredi, samedi
0:23:36 > 0:23:39# On s'est relaxe dimanche. #
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- How was that?- Tres bien!- Bada-bing. Here's to Craig David.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Christophe. Merci.- Merci.- Beacoup.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I'll need to extend my vocabulary beyond days of the week
0:23:58 > 0:24:02if I'm going to get anything worthwhile from my chosen second language.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06But this episode isn't just about being abroad in foreign travel.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11It's about the travelling you do every day to get from A to B.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14And for me, there's only one form of transport.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I'm a bus guy. I still take public transport. I'm a bus guy.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23I take one of the... You know every areas got their rough bus?
0:24:23 > 0:24:26You know one of they kind of Glasgow safaris that you get?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER
0:24:30 > 0:24:32The number 40 bus.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34CHEERING
0:24:34 > 0:24:38It runs from Clydebank to Easterhouse.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41CHEERING
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Via Drumchapel.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It's as if they went, "Clydebank to Easterhouse?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49"I'm not sure that's mental enough."
0:24:49 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:57 > 0:25:00We better stick this through Drumchapel.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03LAUGHTER
0:25:03 > 0:25:06It's the only bus I've seen three generations of the one family
0:25:06 > 0:25:08get on for a half fare.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:18 > 0:25:22The bus remains my top choice when it comes to transport.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I like sitting on a bus, just observing
0:25:25 > 0:25:27and reflecting on life going by the window.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Even when there's a little turbulence on the journey,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34on some of the city's more vibrant routes.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40It's been a while since I took the bus, but I was hoping to see
0:25:40 > 0:25:44if I could find out if any fellow travellers had some tales to tell
0:25:44 > 0:25:48of their time spent out on the front line of public transport.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Hi, mate. Single, please.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- We've got Nial. Where are you from, Nial?- York.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07- York. Welcome!- Thank you very much. - Welcome aboard.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Is this your first time on the 40 bus?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14No, I've been on the 40 bus, unfortunately, one time before. And it wasn't so good.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19- What happened?- I was sat on the bus, as you would, and I was reading. And this guy sat down next to me.
0:26:19 > 0:26:25- And he wasn't suspicious looking at all.- Was the bus busy?- It was very busy, it was about five o'clock.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30So we were going for five minutes, then I smelled something. And then I heard something drip on the floor.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- I think I've figured it out. Was it a one or a two? - It was a one.- That's better.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39- So, basically, I went "Are you OK?" - "Are you OK?"- He was like, "what are you talking about?"
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- I was like "You've just had an accident, do you want to stop the bus?"- So he was denying it?
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Yeah. Then he went to me "Have you wet yourself?"
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- I was like, "No, I've not." - Starting to accuse you?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Yeah, and everyone on the bus obviously turns round and stares,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55- and I end up having to get off four stops early. - Stared at you?- Yeah.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- So you walked off the bus, defeated? - Yeah, I couldn't handle the shame
0:26:58 > 0:27:02of being known as guy who'd wet himself, and tried to blame someone else.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07- You've been had by the professional pant pisser.- Exactly. - Taxis in future, Nial.- Yes.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09There we go. Nial.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21There was a wee guy in a shell suit and a Santa hat used to come on,
0:27:21 > 0:27:25and he was taking the orders for the Christmas thieving, you know?
0:27:25 > 0:27:26- The Christmas thieving?- Aye.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Cos they don't go Christmas shopping, Christmas thieving.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- It's a sort of tradition. - Christmas shoplifting.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36This little guy gets on.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39He actually starts laying right into the bus driver,
0:27:39 > 0:27:43then he goes and stands right in front of the bus,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45and won't let the bus move off.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48So he's just stood there, screaming and shouting.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52BELL RINGS
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Did you get his name?
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I got his number. No, I'm kidding on.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- KEVIN LAUGHS - No, I didn't get his name, no.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Not a bad place to stop my probing,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12and take a look at our journey's end.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18My holiday in Benidorm proved that family holidays haven't changed much.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21That's how much it's changed, you can pinpoint the one change.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25My attempts to learn French took an unexpectedly musical turn.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# On s'est relaxe dimanche. #
0:28:27 > 0:28:31And I shared some of the pitfalls of air travel with a fellow comedian.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33You fart, without knowing that you're farting.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35So there you go.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Travel has broadened my mind. Thank you, merci, gracias, obrigado.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.