0:00:02 > 0:00:05I'm Kevin Bridges and this is my wee telly show,
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Kevin Bridges: What's the Story?
0:00:07 > 0:00:12As a stand-up comedian, I'm often asked how I came up with my material.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Not really that often am I asked, but I've been asked. Twice.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Once by a lifeguard and now by the BBC, so here we are.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21This series I'll go behind the jokes
0:00:21 > 0:00:24and show you the real-life stories behind my comedy routines.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26This episode - lifestyle.
0:00:26 > 0:00:33This programme contains some strong language
0:00:52 > 0:00:55The general consensus is that we live in a society obsessed
0:00:55 > 0:00:58with what we eat, what we wear, how we look.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I don't preoccupy myself too much with style and material goods
0:01:01 > 0:01:03because I don't have the patience.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Life's too short for salon haircuts and cross-trainers
0:01:06 > 0:01:08and shop changing rooms.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12I want to see if there's better ways to stay healthy and look cool.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19You walk in somewhere trendy like Topshop for a pair of jeans.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Somewhere trendier than that maybe, River Island.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Walk into River Island and some -
0:01:23 > 0:01:26you know the sales assistants that work in these places -
0:01:26 > 0:01:31some indie band freak show that comes bouncing across to serve you.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34They've got that kind of, "Hey, man, yeah, woo!"
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Telling you to chillax.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46"Everybody just chillax, man!" Anybody ever told you to chillax?
0:01:46 > 0:01:49They took the word, "chill," and the word, "relax," and combined them
0:01:49 > 0:01:54to make ironically the most infuriating word there's ever been.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55They come bouncing over, this guy.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58They've got that kind of energy and enthusiasm
0:01:58 > 0:02:02that oozes from people who've never been punched in the face.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12But you require this guy's assistance.
0:02:12 > 0:02:17You're in Topshop, they sell jeans. You're in Topshop, you need jeans.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21You have to say, "Excuse me, mate. Can I try on these jeans, please?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25"In a 36 inch waist."
0:02:25 > 0:02:27His enthusiasm...
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Was that you? Good to see you again. Right, 36 inch.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Try a 38!
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Try a 38?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Fuck you, man.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48APPLAUSE
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Asked the guy, try the jeans on in a 38 inch waist. Good call.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Shut it.
0:02:57 > 0:02:5838 inch waist.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Regardless, 36, 38 inch waist.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10You say to the guy, "Can I try these jeans on in a 40 inch waist?"
0:03:10 > 0:03:1538 inch waist and the guy, his enthusiasm just drains.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16He looks at you appalled.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19You know that way you would look at somebody
0:03:19 > 0:03:22if they just took a shite in your kettle.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40Clothes shopping makes my blood boil. Annoying music, annoying staff
0:03:40 > 0:03:43and sizes that don't really cater for the shape of a real guy.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45My bad experiences of buying jeans are genuine
0:03:45 > 0:03:49but I've heard there is a man who could help bail me out.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- Rabii.- How you doing, sir? - Rabii Denim, is that what it says?
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Looks like Rabbi Denims.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58When I seen the sign I thought you were catering to a niche market.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- No, no. - You only make denims for Rabbis.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I find shopping quite a stressful experience,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07especially for jeans. You walk in,
0:04:07 > 0:04:11you go in the changing room, you've got your nice loose-fitting jeans on.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You need to try on a brand new pair and they're just too tight.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16I need a pair of jeans made.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I'm your man. Take your jacket off, right.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Then I can get your measurements basically. Lift up your top.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- That's us, mate. - Need to get my gut in.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Oh no, don't hold your gut in. Right, you're a 40.- 40 inch!
0:04:28 > 0:04:3140 inch, which basically means you're a 36 in the shops.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- These jeans are a 36. - That's right, then.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- You're always four inch bigger than the shop's size.- Right.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Any pupil with an eating disorder watching, you're actually...
0:04:41 > 0:04:44You're actually fatter than what you are.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Right, Kev, don't be scared.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It's not my finger, it's a bit of brass.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54- Hold that exactly there. - What are you measuring here?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Your front rise to your middle seam here.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59You're measuring my front rise?
0:04:59 > 0:05:04- Aye, front rise, mate. Right the way around, you're 65.- 65.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06That's a big rise!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Quite a small front rise, mate.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Is that one of the smallest front rises you've ever seen?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15No, that's quite average, mate.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16So, 64 take away 27...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- So I need to pick one of these?- Aye.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I'll take that one right at the bottom there.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- What is that, pink and yellow? - Pink and yellow, my man. No.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27No? How come?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- No, just... - I thought I had the choice.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34You should have said I've got the choice of all of these except the one you want.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Have you got pink and yellow? - Mm-hmm.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40It's 2012. You need to broaden your mind, Rab.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Here, I'm in touch with my feminine side, man.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46You need to target the pink pound if you want this business to work.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50You ever refused anybody's request other than mine?
0:05:50 > 0:05:54One rapper guy came in and he wanted his name all the way down.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Can't even remember his bloody name. Seriously. J-Dog, I don't know.
0:05:59 > 0:06:04- J-Dog?- Something like that. - Can I get K-Dog? My rap name.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Whatever you wanted, aye.- Pair of K-Dog jeans.- Right, next week.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Next week. What a man, thank you. Looking forward to seeing them.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Nae bother. Cannae wait. Cannae wait, man.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21In a week's time, I'll own a pair of bespoke jeans for the same price
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I could have had a two-week holiday in the Algarve,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27but I've avoided the shops for another year.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30This could potentially save me from having to visit
0:06:30 > 0:06:34some of the high street's less than salubrious stores.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38So I started shopping in a proper shit-hole clothes shop.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43You don't get judged in a proper shit-hole clothes shop.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I was in a place called Dunnes Stores.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I've got a theory about clothes shops.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I find in a clothes shop, the cheaper the clothes,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54the more aggressive the customer.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Anybody ever done that thing, you've been in a shop
0:06:56 > 0:07:00and you confuse another shopper for being a member of the staff?
0:07:01 > 0:07:05You go to ask them a question and they go, "I don't actually....
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"I don't actually work here."
0:07:07 > 0:07:10And you go, "Haha, I thought you worked here,"
0:07:10 > 0:07:12and you both share a chuckle and move on.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Finished. However, in Dunnes Stores, it's no laughing matter.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22The cheaper the clothes, the more aggressive the customer.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Tensions run through the roof in these kind of places.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30I was in this dump when a guy said to me,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33he said, "Excuse me. Excuse me.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"Excuse me, buddy!"
0:07:39 > 0:07:43"How much? How much are these?"
0:07:45 > 0:07:50And I said, "Ha,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53"I don't actually work here, buddy."
0:07:53 > 0:07:56He said, "That's not what I fucking asked you."
0:08:03 > 0:08:08My lifestyle plays a big influence on my wardrobe and on my image.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15But would that all change if I could reach my physical peak
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and get nearer to my ideal weight, whatever that is.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22I'm hoping that giving boxing a shot might keep me interested
0:08:22 > 0:08:26long enough to get fit and rather than start at the bottom...
0:08:26 > 0:08:27How you doing, Ricky?
0:08:27 > 0:08:31I arranged a sparring session with double world champion Ricky Burns.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- How you doing?- Aye, no bad.- Good to meet you, champ.- How's yourself?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Aye, no bad, man. Are you at your peak just now?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Obviously, the fight was a couple of weeks ago so I've let myself go.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- This is you let yourself go? - I'm still in reasonable condition.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- I was gonnae say, unacceptable. - When you're starting back,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50starting from scratch, it's amazing how fast
0:08:50 > 0:08:52- your fitness level drops. - You say starting from scratch.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55This is starting from scratch.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Your favourite subject at school?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59P.E.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01P.E. Same here, man.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I was always the fat guy that brought in a note.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15"Please excuse Kevin from volleyball. He's fucked off to the chip van."
0:09:21 > 0:09:24That's what P.E. stood for, for me - "Please Excuse."
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I'll put these on and then we'll hit the bags.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Before I step into the ring with the champ,
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I need a few tips on how to hit a bag from Ricky's trainer, Billy Nelson.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Want to show him how it's done, Ricky. Body shot.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Right, Kevin. That's what you've got to look forward to...
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Just that noise and then it's level with my nuts.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Imagine getting one of them right in the balls.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Turn it round, that's it. That's it.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01So as when you're punching, all the force is going up your arm.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04If you were to punch it like that, if you never connected
0:10:04 > 0:10:06on the bag properly you could damage your wrist.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- I've got very strong wrists. - I believe you have.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Years of practice.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- One, two.- I've been working on my wrists since I was 13.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Right, left, right. - Don't say right, left, right.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Talk to me in PlayStation terms. X, Circle, L2, Square.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Right.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- Ah!- See.- Forgot to turn the glove. - You forgot to turn your glove.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31- That's that strong wrist of yours away again.- That's done my wrist.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I'm going to need to try to find a girlfriend now.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Come on in, Kevin.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40After five minutes of training on a punch bag,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I am then invited into the ring to do a bit of supervised sparring with Ricky.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Would you feel confident, Ricky,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47if you seen a guy getting into the ring like that?
0:10:47 > 0:10:52- Would you think he was maybe hustling you?- Let's do this!
0:10:55 > 0:10:59I'm lethal when I'm on the ropes. That's when I'm most dangerous.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Interesting tactics here. Muhammad Ali-esque.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Just going to tire you out.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13He's losing on points, he's got to go for the knockout here.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Don't know if I can take much more of them.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28- Up you get.- And still the new overweight champion of the world!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- Well done, man. You done excellent, well done.- Think I've got a future?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- The potential is there. - I'm the fans' fighter.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Done that for you guys at home.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I'm not sure if I'll ever develop the self-discipline needed
0:11:45 > 0:11:48for any kind of long-term fitness.
0:11:48 > 0:11:54When it comes to fitness and healthy living, I always see it as something
0:11:54 > 0:11:58that feels good at the time but for the long run, is it really worth it?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06People have got flawed perceptions of their size and it works in a few different ways.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I'll use women as an example here.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11You know you get girls who are skinny and they think they're a bit chubby.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Girls who are chubby think they're fat.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Fat girls think they're obese
0:12:15 > 0:12:18and then obese girls think they're supermodels.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29They're the happy people.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33They're the ones hanging out of limousines on a Friday night.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Going, "Aaaahhhh!"
0:12:38 > 0:12:40The driver's going, "Can you lean in, please?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"You're gonnae fucking tip this thing."
0:12:54 > 0:12:59They're the first ones on the karaoke. They're the happy people.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Even though my comedy is based on observation,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08there are some things I've never actually experienced.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13How are we doing, ladies? All aboard the Bonkers Bus.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I have to take an educated guess at what really happens
0:13:16 > 0:13:18when women go out together.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Nae nonsense, girls. It's party time. I feel terrified.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Tonight, I'll find out what women really get up to
0:13:27 > 0:13:31when they get all dressed up for a night out on a bus.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52How we doing? A big hand for Dave, first of all.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Let's hear some cheering for Dave, the driver.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- The driver of the Bonkers Bus. Where am I sitting?- Here, darling.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04That'll do you, that's your type.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12What is everybody drinking?
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- Brut champagne.- Is that a home-brew?
0:14:17 > 0:14:21I love how you're pouring it out of a two-litre bottle into a champagne glass.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Trying to upgrade to some level of class there.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28So we don't know what we're celebrating, just having a drink on the bus.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Just a night out with you. - Just a night out with me!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33What's that?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35INAUDIBLE BANTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I can't even hear what anybody's saying.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Just like 16 smoke alarms going off.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47You'd better not have a mental boyfriend who's gonnae come and shoot me.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53You ever clicked on a computer and you've had a sort of virus and there's loads of pop-ups.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55You're trying to click close, close, close
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and your head's about to explode.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01That's what I feel like. I need to hit CTRL-ALT-DELETE on my brain.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11One 25-year-old guy in the midst of 15 women charged up
0:15:11 > 0:15:14for a night up on the Bonkers Bus.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19After 20 minutes, there is only one loser.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23My head is frazzled.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Cheers! Respect!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31Home time.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Home time on a Saturday night usually involves
0:15:37 > 0:15:40a journey into the world of deep-fried, high fat, salty,
0:15:40 > 0:15:45barely edible food but I'll avoid that temptation...for now, anyway.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I'm not denying the dangers of a bad diet
0:15:57 > 0:16:00but it's also human nature to want to indulge yourself.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07I'm heading to one of Glasgow's better restaurants to enjoy
0:16:07 > 0:16:10a gourmet version of a favourite childhood delicacy of mine,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13a deep-fried pizza in batter,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15known locally as a pizza crunch.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19At school I used to be eligible for a dinner ticket and anybody who
0:16:19 > 0:16:22was eligible for a dinner ticket refused to use it
0:16:22 > 0:16:25as a matter of pride, there was only the people who weren't eligible,
0:16:25 > 0:16:29they would buy your dinner ticket, so I would always sell mine for a quid.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Well, that sounds quite good.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Aye, and then I would go to the chip van.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34You'll go far.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Aye, a business brain.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Then I used my pound to buy a pizza crunch and chips.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Right.- So that was five days a week.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- Ooh!- Right through school, eating a deep-fried pizza and chips.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48It's remarkable you've kept that athletic form.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49I know.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54We're in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58I don't know if I've got fat people in the room, any fat people in?
0:16:58 > 0:16:59CHEERING
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I'm a little bit rotund, myself. I don't mean I'm fat,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I'll give myself chubby, I'm not documentary fat.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Never going to turn on Channel 4 on a Tuesday night
0:17:13 > 0:17:14and see a guy like me.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19'Tonight we meet the 14 stone man.'
0:17:20 > 0:17:22That looks disgusting!
0:17:22 > 0:17:27Did you watch that about that 14 stone man last night? Shocking.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31Showed this guy who couldn't even do 20 minutes on the treadmill.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34It showed you this guy having his dinner, he had a gammon steak
0:17:34 > 0:17:40and oven chips and then he had five Jaffa cakes
0:17:40 > 0:17:41and a Penguin.
0:17:44 > 0:17:4814 stone! It's on again next week, the guy is shocking.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I'd never heard of a pizza crunch until two years ago
0:17:52 > 0:17:57and I was in a chip shop in Glasgow Cross at one o'clock in the morning
0:17:57 > 0:18:01and this woman who was pretty sozzled came in
0:18:01 > 0:18:02and asked for a pizza crunch
0:18:02 > 0:18:05and I didn't know what she was talking about
0:18:05 > 0:18:09and I saw them dipping this thing in the batter and frying it
0:18:09 > 0:18:11and out came a thing the size of a bin lid.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15She starts tearing lumps off it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17They will sell them in quarters but...
0:18:17 > 0:18:19No, she got the whole thing!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Was she a looker?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23The pizza crunch looked better.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Less greasy.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27So that's what we're going to make?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29We're going to make a pizza crunch supper.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32We're going to get the chips on first.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Chips are on.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And we're going to take a pizza
0:18:37 > 0:18:41and just drop that in there
0:18:41 > 0:18:45and just drop a wee scallop in here
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and a wee Italian sausage or two, there we are.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- How fast is that? - Is that us? Literally fast food.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Just about, yeah.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56We have a bit here...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05OK.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07It does look unbelievable, Guy.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Let's just finish it with a wee bit of lemon.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Get some fruit on there!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Because this is the posh one, and a wee bit of parsley.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20You know what, look at the difference that has made now.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- Take this through?- I think you should before it gets cold.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Here we go, heart attack coming through.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31- I could lose a tooth, you know that? - Ha-ha!- Pretty crunchy.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35You'll always get something from the tooth fairy.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41I don't know what to say but the grease, already!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46That's lovely. Probably the best piece of crunch I've tried this week.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- I'm delighted to hear that.- It's my first piece of crunch in a while.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I've actually been eating quite healthy but if you're coming back,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56you may as well do it in style. A welcome return.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01Guy, you've been a pleasure to work with, for obvious reasons.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03but thanks a lot for cooking it up.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07I'm looking forward to the cameras going away
0:20:07 > 0:20:09and I don't need to eat with decorum
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and I can just get in about it like a gannet
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Well done to Guy for managing to revolutionise
0:20:23 > 0:20:27and de-stigmatize the pizza crunch. As I said, I'm not too bothered
0:20:27 > 0:20:28with the fashion and fitness fads
0:20:28 > 0:20:32but I know a guy who's now described as a bit of a style icon.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I met with my friend and fellow comedian, Jack Whitehall,
0:20:36 > 0:20:41to talk about lifestyles and compare notes, man to man.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43So how do you keep in shape, Jack?
0:20:43 > 0:20:47No carbs after six. That's not true.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- It's impossible to ask to a man. - How do you keep fit?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Jack, tell me, how do you maintain your body?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56The only way to make that gayer is going, "What's your secret?"
0:20:56 > 0:21:00I remember I met a guy I went to school with in the canteen in the BBC
0:21:00 > 0:21:03and he's an electrician but he did mixed martial arts,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05cage fighting, stuff like that.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I said, "Do you want to go to the canteen for lunch?"
0:21:08 > 0:21:11And he goes, "No, you cannae put diesel in a Ferrari engine."
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Amazing!
0:21:13 > 0:21:18What kind of sports did you play at school? Dressage and fencing?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I did not do dressage and fencing.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Polo?- No, not polo.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I did, like, normal sports like fox hunting and stuff like that.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- Beagling.- Beagling!
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Beagling is like fox hunting but without the horse.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Do you exercise? What's your exercise of choice?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Football? Do you play for a team? Just five-a-side?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42That kind of guy. I play five-a-side
0:21:42 > 0:21:45cos I'm the kind of guy who'll just go for the shower.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Everybody plays five-a-side with somebody. They don't just stay
0:21:50 > 0:21:54in the goal the whole game, as soon as the game finishes they start
0:21:54 > 0:21:58whipping people on the arse with a towel.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Where do you shop for clothes? You like tight stuff, don't you?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- I love my tight stuff!- Tight jeans. - Tight jeans, but I never used to
0:22:04 > 0:22:08wear tight jeans, I always used to just wear tracksuits and stuff.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I hate buying clothes, I never really do it.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13I send my sister or a girlfriend to go and do it for me
0:22:13 > 0:22:18and always ask to get given clothes cos I'm not naturally very stylish.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20What else, the trainers? I see, all right.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- Big shoes.- A bit US basketball court?- Yeah.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I always get the pointy ones that have loads of space at the end
0:22:26 > 0:22:30so it makes you look like you've got bigger feet than you actually have.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Is that something people strive for, bigger feet?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Yeah, there's the phallic reference, I think, helps with women.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39If a woman sees a man with really long pointy feet,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42she suspects that his penis will be long and pointy.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Is that true?- Yes, your shoe, for example,
0:22:45 > 0:22:49they'd think your penis was sort of comfortable and...
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- Size 10?- Yes, nice size but also very comfortable and easy going.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57This is the sort of thing you can detect just by looking at these?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Right, I look around the room, all the people, I can tell,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- What about the cameraman? - Durable, a durable penis.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05It's going to last a long time,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08no matter what you do with it. Good in rough terrain as well.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11How long's it take you to get ready in the morning?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Not that long. I don't wear deodorant!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15You don't?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- No, not really.- Why?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20It's a big, it's a big call, you don't wear deodorant?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Not out of choice but I'm not like one of those people
0:23:23 > 0:23:26who's spraying and waxing and doing all those sort of...
0:23:26 > 0:23:30You're not one of these people who just goes...that's how long it takes?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Maybe, just a little. - So you wear deodorant?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I was watching a documentary about animal testing,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40about toiletries and cosmetic products that get tested on animals
0:23:40 > 0:23:44and it was showing you these horror stories about animals getting
0:23:44 > 0:23:48badly burnt and disfigured. It was pretty distressing shit, right?
0:23:48 > 0:23:52But I'm quite a positive guy, I'm watching this thinking,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56what about the happy stories about cosmetic tests.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59What about the tests that were successful?
0:23:59 > 0:24:03The toiletries and beauty products that made it to the market.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I want to turn on the TV and see the two chimpanzees
0:24:06 > 0:24:10in a laboratory cage saying, "You're smelling good, Chico!"
0:24:10 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Is that Lynx Africa?
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Bom, bom, chica, wow-wow!
0:24:26 > 0:24:31Jack, cheers for giving us an insight into your lifestyle fashion choices and exercise.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Thanks, if you every want to go clothes shopping, let me know.
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- Is it your sister that goes? - We can go with her.- All right.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41If I want to go clothes shopping, I'll phone your sister.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- Does that sound offensive?- It did.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- Don't phone her, just call me. - I'll get hold of her.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- I'll go to your sister via you.- Yeah. Just stay away from her.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Stay away from your sister, right?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54- Anyway, cheers for your time, Jack. - Thanks.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05After the manly get together and shop and talk with Jack,
0:25:05 > 0:25:09it was time to see if my first venture into the world
0:25:09 > 0:25:13of personal tailoring would be a success or a failure.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- Rabii, I'm back. - How are you doing?
0:25:18 > 0:25:23- Good, what's been happening? You're burning the jeans?- I am, basically.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28When did you...what happened to you, man? Look at your appearance.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- You look...- French? For Movember.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33You've been advertising for Dolmio?
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- Can I try them on, have you got a changing room?- Aye.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Is it a genuine changing room? - No. It's actually a toilet.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43The facilities, Rabii, how much am I paying for these again?
0:25:43 > 0:25:48- Everybody else pays £300, I pay, what, £500?- £500.- Mates rates.- Aye.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Good man. All right. I'll try them on.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Right, ready to see me, Rabii?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Aye. You've impressed me.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59A bit of a struggle on the way up.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Like here.- Uh-huh.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- But I think that's my own problem. - Once they're on, what do you think?
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- You measured me a while ago. - Good?- Oh, yes.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11They need to survive my wee routine, though.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Just your standard squats, stuff like that.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19That's a big test cos I've seen men in a pair of jeans burst open
0:26:19 > 0:26:24at that test and many embarrassing conversations with sales assistants.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Looking good.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Are you happy with your K.Dog?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32It's the star attraction, look at that. How do I wash them?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34You need to actually wear them for about a month or so
0:26:34 > 0:26:36before you wash them.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39A month? Aye. A month? Don't wash for a month?
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Aye, some jeans you're not supposed to wash them for six months.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45What's the best way to wash them?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48In the washing machine, cold, by themselves.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- In a month's time?- Yeah.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Unless you soil yourself or...
0:26:53 > 0:26:56I've got a pretty weak bladder.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Aye, soon as you piss yourself, then, get them washed.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02So don't wash for a month, subject to pissing my pants?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Aye, basically.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12If the washing instructions are anything to go by,
0:27:12 > 0:27:18then I've not been missing much in the excusive world of high fashion.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22And looking at lifestyle, I've traded blows with a world champ
0:27:22 > 0:27:24but I still struggle with fitness.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- The new overweight champion! - Well done, mate.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I've compared grooming and fashion tips with a good buddy of mine.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33What's your secret?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37And no matter how much I try to resist,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41I'm helpless to the lure of a gourmet pizza fried in batter.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Probably the best pizza crunch I've tried this week.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46My lifestyle report,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50"Kevin continues to make some progress but he could do better."
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd