0:00:02 > 0:00:04I'm Kevin Bridges
0:00:04 > 0:00:07and this is my wee telly show, Kevin Bridges, What's the Story?
0:00:07 > 0:00:11As a stand up comedian, I'm often asked how I come up with my material.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Erm, I'm not really asked that often. I've been asked twice.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Once by a guy at my front door collecting window cleaning money
0:00:19 > 0:00:21and now by the BBC.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26This series I'll go behind the jokes and show you the real life stories behind my comedy routines.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28This episode - Big Issues.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55Laughter in the face of adversity is a powerful tool.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58A pretty profound statement for the opening of the show.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03In this episode I'll be tackling big issues like unemployment and violence.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Contentious issues like religion and politics.
0:01:05 > 0:01:12Complex issues that require a razor sharp mind, a razor sharp mind like mine.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14This is where it all goes serious.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16"Can we be serious for a minute, guys?"
0:01:16 > 0:01:22There will be jokes, but big jokes. Jokes in places you never thought there could be jokes.
0:01:23 > 0:01:28The BNP, this year they get forced to allow non-white people to join the BNP.
0:01:28 > 0:01:34I thought that was pretty cool. I'd encourage people from every ethnic group to join the BNP.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- Let's ruin their party. - LAUGHTER
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I'd love to live in a country where the white supremacists are black.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:47 > 0:01:51I'm supposed to be racist. Who's this guy? How is he in my team?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:02:00I feel sorry for asylum seekers. Their applications get expelled,
0:02:00 > 0:02:04they get accused of lying - lying about being in danger.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06If someone's prepared to travel thousands of miles
0:02:06 > 0:02:10in the back of a lorry, starving themselves for weeks,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14risking their lives at the border controls just to get a council flat in Sighthill,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17something's frightening the shite out of them.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19LAUGHTER
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Every Saturday, myself and a few of the fellas play football,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33and one of the team isn't a native to Scotland.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Eugene Kavira came to Glasgow as a 15-year-old
0:02:36 > 0:02:40after fleeing from the horrors of war in Africa.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44I met him at a benefit show I was performing for the Red Cross and he's been my pal ever since.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47He's got a reputation as a midfield hard man
0:02:47 > 0:02:49due to his reckless tackling.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I seen three horror tackles.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Trust me, I never caused any casualties, did I?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- What's your nickname at football? What do we call you? - LAUGHTER
0:03:02 > 0:03:06It's your name, but what are the two words before the name?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- GLASWEGIAN ACCENT: - Fuck sake, Eugene!
0:03:10 > 0:03:16- I first met you at my gig. Red Cross - I was doing my bit. - Doing your bit.- Free of charge.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21And you can probably tell why I wanted to meet you. I heard you during the gig.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I just said, "Good evening."
0:03:23 > 0:03:26And then I just seen somebody rolling on the deck laughing.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I thought, "I need to meet this guy, take him to every single gig."
0:03:30 > 0:03:34You came from the Congo, you moved here when you were 15. Did you speak English?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Not at all. When I moved over I didn't speak any English at all.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Now I speak Swahili, French and English.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I don't think I can say anything in Swahili. How do you say hello?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- Erm, jambo.- Jambo.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52- You say jambo?- And then someone will say jambo back, or habari.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Habari? What does that mean? - Just, like, hello.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59So it's jambo and barry? Two guys' names?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Is that how that started?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Maybe it doesn't mean hello.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Just one day in Africa there was a guy called Jambo and a guy called Barry.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- "Jambo." "Barry."- That's it. - LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:16There's a lot of negative media, headlines and stuff,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19about the cost of refugees and asylum seekers.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Are people just being ignorant? Did you ever experience any racism?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I've seen some of my friends experiencing racism.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30- Just verbal, or...? - Verbal abuse or sometimes physical.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- Seriously?- Seriously.
0:04:32 > 0:04:38But me, personally, I've never been a victim of racism because I just rise above it.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43You're too positive. If you're in the wrong place at the wrong time and there's a couple of idiots
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- there's nothing you can do. - That's right.
0:04:45 > 0:04:50We had a bit of racial animosity in this city, in Glasgow,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54when we got our terrorist attack. Remember that?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I witnessed this first hand on a train going down south.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Just me sitting here and a middle aged guy sitting along a bit.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06A couple of stops later a woman of Asian appearance boarded the train
0:05:06 > 0:05:08and sat beside the middle aged guy
0:05:08 > 0:05:12who immediately stood up and walked away.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15You ever seen that film, Snakes on a Plane?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19This was Jakes on a Train. That's funny.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:28The middle aged guy stood up and just walked away
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- and sat beside...me. - LAUGHTER
0:05:31 > 0:05:33He started to nudge me.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38You know, that way a scumbag presumes you're also going to be a scumbag.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Nudging me and he's pointing
0:05:43 > 0:05:49and he said, "I don't fancy sitting beside her, pal. No chance.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"She'll be one of them suicide bombers.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"I'm taking no chances.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"I can see your logic here, mate.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08"You thought she might be a suicide bomber so you came and sat four seats away."
0:06:08 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Seriously underestimating the power of Semtex.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:25"Do you think she's got a stink bomb?"
0:06:25 > 0:06:27LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:32"This is the Jihad for Allah!"
0:06:32 > 0:06:35"Oh, it's fuckin' boufin', hen!"
0:06:35 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:43 > 0:06:46So what's your future? Do you see you living the rest of your life in Scotland?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- You've got a job. You're working as a nurse.- Yes. I enjoy my job.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54The bigger picture is that I want to do medicine next.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Imagine you were my doctor.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I had to come in and say, "Doctor, I've got haemorrhoids."
0:07:00 > 0:07:02He'd just go, "Ah-ha-ha-ha!"
0:07:03 > 0:07:08My future is to go to Africa to do some charity work.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Try and establish a charity in the Congo
0:07:11 > 0:07:17to try and help young people gain jobs and help them or prevent them joining malicious groups.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- That's my future.- Good man. - That's what I want to do. - Very selfless.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25That's how you have got to live your life,
0:07:25 > 0:07:30especially if you've come across real good people who have made a difference in your life.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35- So...- You're grateful for the assistance you've been given and you want to repay people.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Eugene, cheers for talking, - Cool, big man.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Good game.- Good game, man.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47- Argh!- All right, cool. Don't be a baby. Toughen up!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- Tell me when it gets sore.- Oh!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- When was the last time you stood in dog shit? - LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Getting to know Eugene helps me stay positive about life
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and it reminds me not to take it all too serious.
0:08:03 > 0:08:09Having faith in people is no bad thing, but when it comes to having faith in a higher power...
0:08:09 > 0:08:13I'd like to believe in something. You don't live and then die and that's it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I'd like to believe there's something bigger.
0:08:16 > 0:08:21You think, where's the evidence? If there is a God, why is there so much evil?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Why is there famine, corruption, greed, stuff like that?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Maybe you need to make up your own theories.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31I've combined a bit of religion and a bit of atheism and came up with my own conclusions.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Maybe God created the world but then he fucked off.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He's God. He's going to have more than one property, isn't he?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Maybe we've got the place to ourself.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48We've got an empty. This is the world.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:57 > 0:09:01And like all good empties, it's got a bit out of hand.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04That's why you've got terrorism, corruption, greed.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Maybe God will come back one day and go, "Look at the fucking state of this place."
0:09:08 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Everybody get out.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:18 > 0:09:22World leaders and corrupt bankers shuffling out the door going,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"Sorry. We never thought you were coming back. Sorry about the mess."
0:09:25 > 0:09:29The Pope sitting there. The Pope knows he's getting grounded.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER
0:09:35 > 0:09:37"I'll speak to you in a minute, Pope."
0:09:37 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:50I'd like to believe there's something more than the one life we have.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I'm happy to be convinced either way.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I headed to London to meet up with comedian Jack Dee
0:09:59 > 0:10:04to talk about his take on the weighty subjects of faith and religion.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07And we began with the basics.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Do you describe yourself as a Christian?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I don't, because I don't describe myself as that.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I'd say, if anything, I'm an agnostic Christian.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It sounds daft but that's how I would feel.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I don' relate to any Christians I know
0:10:22 > 0:10:26because most of the Christians I've met are a pain in the arse.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30You're know for your dead pan, laid back, relaxed, excellent stand up,
0:10:30 > 0:10:35also the brilliant Lead Balloon and you're Jack Dee, but it could have been different.
0:10:35 > 0:10:42- You once considered becoming a priest.- I was a bit of a lost soul in my early twenties.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46I just didn't know where I was going or what I was heading for.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51I mistakenly thought I might enter the priesthood.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54One of the strange things about that decision
0:10:54 > 0:10:56was that I actually didn't go to church.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You were going to try and go in at a higher level.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- I wanted to be fast-tracked. - An executive position(!)
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- There was an interview. - Yeah, there was an interview with the Director of Ordinands
0:11:07 > 0:11:11and it took him a couple of minutes to work out he had a non-starter.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Do you find any similarities to being a stand up?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16And being a priest?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19There's a degree of theatre in church.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I think, most of all, I wanted to be listened to.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25I wanted to stand up and say something and people to listen.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Do priests get listened to? I always find it hard.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You hear the chapel say "Amen" at the end - I always miss the cue.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34I would have been listened to.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37I wouldn't have taken any crap from anyone.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- The priest who takes no shit.- Yeah.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You need to be quite prolific. A new sermon every Sunday.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47- You're writing five to ten minutes a week.- I would try it out on a Saturday night somewhere.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- A little church somewhere. - A Catholic church somewhere.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55Just pop up somewhere, do five minutes, and then hit them with it on the Sunday.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- Christmas, that's your big break. - That's the one.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01And then the DVD, of course.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03THEY LAUGH
0:12:06 > 0:12:09You know the big debate between religion and science?
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Atheism's becoming quite cool in 2010.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14The big debate between religion and science.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18I would always take religion, purely on a basic level.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Remember at school, science was quite difficult?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:27You had to read stuff and remember stuff.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Whereas religious was a skive.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35Just some guilt-ridden middle aged woman reading passages from the Bible
0:12:35 > 0:12:38at a class full of hyperactive adolescents
0:12:38 > 0:12:42that's pissing themselves laughing at something that's been drawn on the blackboard.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48- What's your favourite hymn? - Shockingly, the one that always reduces me to tears
0:12:48 > 0:12:50is Jerusalem.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I think the tune is so incredible
0:12:52 > 0:12:56but I struggle with those lyrics every time because they're not very nice.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I like, what's it called...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00# Light up the fire Let the flame burn
0:13:00 > 0:13:01# Open the door... #
0:13:01 > 0:13:05That's not a hymn. That's Cliff Richard, innit?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- What are you talking about? - They sing it at chapel.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I've sang it on many a drunken night out as well.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12That's not proper church.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I was an altar boy as well. That was only for the money.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- You used to get paid.- Yeah.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20A fiver for every funeral.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I used to get the newspaper and look through the obituary column.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Three deaths. I'm going to the cinema.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Yes, that's a Wimpy as well.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I read an interview with you once
0:13:30 > 0:13:34and you referred to the church as an elderly relative you feel you must visit.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- Yeah.- That's a great analogy. - That's exactly how I feel about it.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41If you try and lead your life in a good way,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45think of others and put others before you, at least occasionally,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49that is going to be a good thing and you don't need to have any faith
0:13:49 > 0:13:52to recognise that as a healthy way to live.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- An agnostic Christian? Can I be the second?- Yeah, yeah.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I'm in charge but you can be alter boy.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02We'll fight for who gets on the stage. You're in charge and I'm the altar boy?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Riddled with connotations.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I suppose new churches have to start somewhere.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15We'll see how the church of Christian agnosticism gets on and if it attracts and devotees.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19When it comes to drawing in the faithful, organised religion
0:14:19 > 0:14:22has never been ashamed to try a few tricks.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27I was at a Christian rock festival. There was a stall set up that said,
0:14:27 > 0:14:33"A free toastie for all of God's children."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36A free toastie(!)
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I thought, shamone!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER
0:14:44 > 0:14:49I said, "Good afternoon, sir. May I have a toastie?"
0:14:50 > 0:14:54And the guy said, "Are you a Christian?"
0:14:54 > 0:14:58I thought, "If I'm not a Christian, am I not getting a toastie?"
0:14:58 > 0:15:00LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:07"That's very un-Christian."
0:15:09 > 0:15:13And the guy crumbled under the weight of my argument.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17He said, "OK, you can have cheese or cheese and ham."
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I said, "Just cheese, mate, because I'm a Jew."
0:15:20 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:28 > 0:15:31That's how you get a free toastie off the Lord, people.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40I don't mean to make light of the charity that underpins many religions.
0:15:40 > 0:15:46Free food for those in need is a noble gesture and not just confined to Christianity.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49There's one religion that places a lot of emphasis on free food
0:15:49 > 0:15:52and free Indian food at that.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I was thrilled to give Sikhism a go.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58That feels good.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02That's pretty tight.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Have I got room for any expression on my face?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Maybe loosen it a little bit. I don't want to look shocked.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- Charandeep?- Yeah.- Is it Charan or Charn?- Charandeep.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- Can I call you Chaz?- Sure. If that makes you comfortable.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19That's fine.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Chaz, you're going to give me a tour of the Central Gurdwara.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I've only ever been in churches and chapels.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31This seems totally the opposite of what I thought a religious place of worship would be.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34This is called the Langar Hall.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Langar is food? - Langar is free kitchen.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Free kitchen? Free food? - For everyone.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- Even non-Sikhs? - Non-Sikhs alike, yeah.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Sikhism 1, Christianity 0.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50I might try the Gurdwara diet. Just eat here Monday to Friday.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52You'll absolutely love it.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Get some angles on it. A few trick shots.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- I'll eat that one.- That's for you. - It's a wee bit cremated.
0:17:04 > 0:17:09We've got a very strong student population here in this Gurdwara.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I might have known the students would pop in.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Where's the microwave?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- Sit over here.- Are we getting a table or are we on the floor?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20We're on the floor, Kevin. You'll get the full experience.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- How do I sit? Legs crossed? - Whatever's comfortable for you.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I don't think I've used that muscle in years.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32My first impression of Sikhism, everyone's pretty positive.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37There's a lot of people smiling, having a laugh. Kids are having a good time.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Everything seems pretty humble.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44And you believe in, basically, respecting people,
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- being optimistic, positive, being patient.- Absolutely.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Free food.- A lot of it. - A lot of free food.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- Is there a catch? - There's no catch at all.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58Charandeep, I'm gonna let you eat. It's been a pleasure talking to you.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Cracking. Positive young guy. Good luck for the future.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It's been enlightening and informative.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09A good feed and a friendly atmosphere - a positive first impression of the Glasgow Gurdwara.
0:18:11 > 0:18:16Still not entirely convinced by organised religion.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21But it's always encouraging to see some community spirit
0:18:21 > 0:18:23and some love in the camp.
0:18:23 > 0:18:30- You know you get these sport shops that sell crossbows to alcoholics? - LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:35And sport shops that sell 3,000 baseball bats every year, but have never sold a baseball.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:47The Easterhouse Red Sox have not had a game in a while.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:55We're still selling them equipment. They must have a hectic pre-season schedule booked.
0:18:56 > 0:19:02The only security measure if you want to buy something that could be construed as a violent weapon
0:19:02 > 0:19:05is you need to fill in a form leaving your name and address
0:19:05 > 0:19:08so if anything happens you can be easily traced for questioning.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12That's the theory. What self-respecting nutcase...
0:19:13 > 0:19:18..buying a weapon with a view to committing a heinous felony would leave their real name and address?
0:19:18 > 0:19:24I picture some police investigation team going through the book
0:19:24 > 0:19:27and say, "Excuse me, shop owner.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33"It says here you sold a samurai sword to Bert and Ernie.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:42"From 24, Sesame Street."
0:19:42 > 0:19:44LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:52The dark side of Glasgow life has always been safe comedy territory.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Someone else who's drawn on his upbringing in Glasgow
0:19:55 > 0:19:58is award-winning film maker and actor Peter Mullan.
0:19:58 > 0:20:04I met up with Peter to swap a few stories about the extremes of what it's like to grow up in Glasgow.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Peter Mullan, cheers for joining me here in Glasgow,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11the murder capital of Britain, according to my research here.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16The most dangerous city in Scotland and, according to a recent survey,
0:20:16 > 0:20:18the third most dangerous city in Europe.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21We've slipped down to third place.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- You were in a gang when you were younger.- I was in a gang when I was younger.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- We were pretty crap, to be honest. - Pretty crap?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32We did a lot of running away.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I used to love that, when you'd see gangs getting chased.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- The gang running away are shouting, "Shitebags!"- Aye, totally. LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:43You had the big boys like the Govan team when I was a kid.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- I always thought they would have AGMs and stuff.- Aye, galacticos.
0:20:47 > 0:20:53Aye, like they would sit there and go, "On Saturday night we are now taking on the Cumby."
0:20:53 > 0:20:55So they had a fixture list.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00I always thought the Govan team were the heavy boys because they seemed...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03they would run about in cars and they had guns.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You had firearms in the whole equation.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- Up until then it had just been basic chibs.- Basic chibs?
0:21:09 > 0:21:14Weapons of a domestic nature that you used for violent purposes further down the line.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I saw a guy one night, a big fight on a bridge, and this guy had a hoover.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23- This ma's hoover...- As a weapon? - That was his chib. He turned up with a hoover.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28All his mates were like, "You're mortifying us, man. What are you doing with a hoover?"
0:21:28 > 0:21:30"Wait 'til you see what I do with this hoover."
0:21:30 > 0:21:34A lot of violent crime has been in the news quite a lot.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Knife crime, gun crime, stuff like that.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40I don't know the solution. There are calls for tougher sentences.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I think we need more consistent sentences.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47For example, the crime, attempted murder that carries a six or seven year jail sentence
0:21:47 > 0:21:50whereas murder carries a life sentence.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Why should that be different? You still tried it!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57LAUGHTER
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Attempted? You tried to kill somebody.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06You weren't very good at it. I don't think you should get a lesser sentence,
0:22:06 > 0:22:11in my opinion you should get double the sentence for making an arse of it.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:17One night we were in a park and somebody had recognised the guy
0:22:17 > 0:22:22because he was from a different area. The crowd of guys I was with chased him.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I was actually rooting for the guy to get away.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- I thought they were going to kill him because he lived in a different street.- Yeah.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I was just beaten by the whole scene.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34It's chronic low self-esteem plus stupidity
0:22:34 > 0:22:37that makes you run about thinking you are a big shot.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40You have police to travel around schools giving talks
0:22:40 > 0:22:44to kids about knife crime and at the end of the talks,
0:22:44 > 0:22:49they give kids a sticker that says, Dennis the Menace.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Something like that. "Dennis the Menace says no to knives."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56I don't mean to be cynical but if you wore a Dennis the Menace
0:22:56 > 0:23:01"Say no to knife" sticker at school, there is a good chance you'd get stabbed.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:13I mean the ultimate image in Scotland would be a blue face, Braveheart.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I was there the very day to see that face.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21Mel comes out and he looked amazing.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25But you are thinking, this is one of the most handsome men in the world,
0:23:25 > 0:23:26and now his gone half a blue face.
0:23:26 > 0:23:32I swear to you, he was saying, too much, do you think it's too much?
0:23:32 > 0:23:37Eight actors all beefed up like Scottish warriors acting like a bunch of hairdressers.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- They were going, let me see! They were touching their hair. You know?- Aye.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47A few things have changed since the days of Braveheart,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51but there are still a few problems north of the border.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55With Glasgow's many social problems comes unemployment and a lack of opportunity.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00I was fortunate to find my own trade. But when I left school with not a lot,
0:24:00 > 0:24:04there weren't many obvious opportunities.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I feel sorry for anybody unemployed. It's a tough time to go through.
0:24:07 > 0:24:13I remember being in the job centre. I think job centres should be renamed the shite job centre.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18You never walk by job centre and see in the window, "Forensic detective required."
0:24:18 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"Barrister required."
0:24:23 > 0:24:29It's always "Customer Service Adviser's Assistant required."
0:24:29 > 0:24:32"Could you make the tea for the guy who makes the coffee?"
0:24:32 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Hopefully, I will remain a stand-up comedian by trade for the foreseeable future
0:24:46 > 0:24:50but I am curious about what job would suit me if it all goes wrong.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55I don't have a plan B so I am about to be grilled by a recruitment consultant
0:24:55 > 0:24:58to see where I would fit in to the jobs market.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03- Hi, Kevin.- Barry, nice to see you. - Take a seat, make yourself comfortable.- Cheers.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08First, with some chit chat about my brief employment history.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Did you ever have a part-time job or do anything in retail?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Aye, I worked in TK Maxx. They never even gave me in uniform.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I have to bring my own red T-shirt. I was only there for two weeks.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21A more lucrative offer came in for the Co-op.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Next, 52 pages of multiple choice questions.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27I enjoy the companionship of others, page 1.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32I enjoy competitive activities. No chance. I look to the future.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35No, I live for the moment. Page 1 done.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Just another 12 hours to go. I enjoy interpreting statistics.
0:25:39 > 0:25:46Interpreting statistics would clean bore the arse off me. Boring!
0:25:46 > 0:25:51After analysing the results, I was about to be presented for a job
0:25:51 > 0:25:53that would best utilise my skills.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- Barry!- Hi Kevin, nice to see you. Kevin, this is my colleague, Donna.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- Hi, I'm Kevin, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Take a seat, Kevin.- Is this the boardroom?- This is the boardroom.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07So you've took my managerial request quite serious?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09We take all requests serious, Kevin.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11How did I get on?
0:26:11 > 0:26:15One of the other roles you may consider is being a car salesman.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16I don't know anything about cars.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19It's about communication skills, influencing skills,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22and how you actually interact with individuals...
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Would you buy a car just because the guy selling it was quite a nice guy?
0:26:26 > 0:26:31- Yes.- Would you?- As long as the product was. People buy from people.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33And that's what's important.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35You'd come home with a Fiat Punto and explain that as
0:26:35 > 0:26:36"He was a nice guy"?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38One other thing that's come out through
0:26:38 > 0:26:42the recruitment process is you might be good in the recruitment industry.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- Finding people work?- Yes.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47- How does that... Do you enjoy your job?- Absolutely, yes.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51What's it like working in recruitment during a time of mass unemployment?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Do you just sit eating biscuits and checking Facebook?
0:26:53 > 0:26:54What would you would find...
0:26:54 > 0:26:59"Bored." "Still bored." "15 people like this."
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Be a good way to kind of halve unemployment.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Just create loads of vacancies in recruitment.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Everybody try to find people jobs and nobody's left to find jobs,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11because everybody works in recruitment.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12In all seriousness,
0:27:12 > 0:27:15have you got anything that would just be two hours a night?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I could watch daytime TV, don't start work until 8pm, I can wear what I want.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23Those types of roles are relatively limited in today's market, Kevin.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25It's not the types of roles that we would work in.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Anything in particular you'd be thinking of?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Well, a professional gambler.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Certainly, the gambling market's
0:27:32 > 0:27:34not one that we specialise in as a business.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Drug dealing?
0:27:36 > 0:27:39There are certain legality issues with regards to that.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- I think probably comedy's the best area for you.- All right.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47- So, what, I just go?- Yeah, that's you finished for today, Kevin.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49For today? As in, I'll be back?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52"You'll be back. They all come back."
0:27:52 > 0:27:55We'd be more than pleased to see you again, Kevin,
0:27:55 > 0:27:57but hopefully stand-up works out for you.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59I'd be devastated to see you again,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02cos I know I'm coming back to sell Fiat Puntos.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05So I need to get funny. So it's punchlines or Puntos.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Oh. Shake your hands or just go?
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Cool. Cheers for your time, thanks.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17'Consultation report: job optimisation achieved.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19'Redeployment unnecessary.'
0:28:19 > 0:28:22'In tackling a few of the big issues,
0:28:22 > 0:28:24'I got spiritual With Jack Dee...'
0:28:24 > 0:28:25# Open the door, let Jesus...
0:28:25 > 0:28:28That's not a hymn, that's Cliff Richard.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33'Had a riot with an asylum seeker.'
0:28:30 > 0:28:33HE CACKLES
0:28:33 > 0:28:36'And saw that free food could be religion's most powerful tool.'
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Sikhism 1, Christianity 0.
0:28:40 > 0:28:41'Big issues done.'
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Good night, have a great journey home, God bless. Thank you.
0:28:44 > 0:28:49'Go in peace. Spread the love. Shalom.'
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd