0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language.
0:00:50 > 0:00:56Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Yes, thank you, Glasgow!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Saturday night, Glasgow. Thank you.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Yes, welcome, welcome, welcome along. The Hydro. Wow!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31This place!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Well done for coming to something. Well done, good for you. Well done.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It's difficult, coming to something.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I don't underestimate for a second the challenges involved.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45It's a lot of effort. I don't think we ever take the time to show
0:01:45 > 0:01:48our appreciation for the heroes in there, and the unsung heroes,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52people amongst you who organise these nights,
0:01:52 > 0:01:57people who know when shit goes on sale.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02People who sit on Ticketmaster.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"Page cannot be displayed."
0:02:05 > 0:02:08"Server timed out."
0:02:08 > 0:02:13The people who compose that original group text,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15assembling the troops.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19The people who dare to dream that a night out could be possible.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Sitting, dealing with people's replies trickling in,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26sucking out the enthusiasm.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"Oh, Kevin Bridges. Aw, what night is it? Where is it?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33"How much is it? What time does it start?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"What time does it finish? Who else is going?"
0:02:37 > 0:02:41"Who else is going" - what a snide enquiry!
0:02:45 > 0:02:49That's when the organiser's faced with the internal politics
0:02:49 > 0:02:51of the social circle.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Your night out needs a big name to confirm.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59A headline act, an A-lister pal.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02A crackpot - Disco, Ryzo, Gnasher -
0:03:02 > 0:03:06somebody that can turn your night out into four nights out.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"Aw, it's only Wee Scobey going, so far.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15"I know he's a wee prick, but he'll drive."
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Welcome along, front row. How are we doing? You all right?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Looking good. What's your name, sir?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28You're not telling me? All right. That's good.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32What's his name, mate? Grass him in, since he's not telling me.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- Johnny.- Johnny. Johnny. You settling for that, Johnny?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38All right. It's only a comedy show, Johnny.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42You're not getting booked by the police. It's just a wee...
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Camera, right on Johnny, there.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47That's it, mate. You make him feel like shit for that.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49There we go, that's Johnny, everybody.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Tell your name to the camera, Johnny.
0:03:52 > 0:03:53CHEERING
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Good man. Welcome along, Johnny. I like a night out. I'm...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I'm getting to that age. I'm growing up.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I've got mates getting married and having children.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07This is new to me. My life's changing.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09You don't get a night out as often,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12the weekend is no longer an excuse in itself.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16You don't get a night out. It's rare. But, when they happen,
0:04:16 > 0:04:20then it's a rollover and they go on far too long.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I don't think anybody can party like the newly-married man,
0:04:23 > 0:04:27the new father. I hear One Direction singing,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"I'm going to go crazy, crazy, crazy,"
0:04:29 > 0:04:34until they see the sun and rappers singing,
0:04:34 > 0:04:38"Going to party until six in the morning."
0:04:38 > 0:04:41all these parties that have got scheduled end times.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46That's not what happens when your mates start getting married
0:04:46 > 0:04:49and having children and you get a night out.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52They go on far too long. People don't want to go back...
0:04:53 > 0:04:57..to the life that they're creating for themselves.
0:04:57 > 0:05:03Mayhem ensues at the suggestion of a six in the morning curfew.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Yous want to call it a night?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08'Mon to fuck, man. One more hour, the Spar's open.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09We'll go and get cans.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15The adult empty.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19It's a bleak affair, the empty, ten years on.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Some paranoid wreck walking through your living room
0:05:23 > 0:05:25looking for a Nokia charger.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"17 missed calls? I'd better text her."
0:05:41 > 0:05:46Highlights of a game of FIFA on the PlayStation that was finished
0:05:46 > 0:05:49about three hours ago, still playing.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Two guys snorting cocaine,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55talking about a fight they had in primary school.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02HE SNORTS
0:06:02 > 0:06:05"Listen, I'm glad we sorted that the night, bud."
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"Me and all, mate. I was out of order that playtime.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17"I was out of order."
0:06:17 > 0:06:2135-year-old guys still using expressions like "playtime".
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"It was me that was out of order, mate.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"I'm the one that kept throwing fizzy cola bottles at you.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30"I knew you had to be seen to be doing something about that, mate.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32"I understand. You never needed to call us a VL, but.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34"That was out of order, on your part."
0:06:36 > 0:06:41At six in the morning, Nokia guy arguing with his missus by text.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44"I told you I was having a mad one."
0:06:46 > 0:06:50His only justification, for having a mad one -
0:06:50 > 0:06:52he told her he was having a mad one.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Then, staying on the offensive,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58"I thought you were going to your mum's to watch Strictly, anyway."
0:07:01 > 0:07:03HIGH-PITCHED: "It's six o'clock in the morning, Ryan."
0:07:03 > 0:07:07"How the fuck am I supposed to know what time Strictly finishes?"
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Then, looking at the telly, looking at the PlayStation,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18thinking it's Sky Sports.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24"Here, when did Motherwell beat Colombia?"
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"That's some result for the 'Well, isn't it?"
0:07:36 > 0:07:39"Colombia have their full team playing, aye?"
0:07:40 > 0:07:43"Wish I'd stuck money on that. Seven red cards?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46"Is there a bit of needle between them two?"
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Six in the morning.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53It's tough watching guys grow up against their will,
0:07:53 > 0:07:57watching somebody going through an old VHS case that's been used
0:07:57 > 0:08:00as a joint-rolling station for years.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Raking through the paraphernalia, trying to find something smokable.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"There's a bit of green in there, press my finger on that.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13"There's plenty here, gentlemen. The night is but young.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17"A bit of green stuff, tobacco, scrape that in.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19"Hairs. There's always hairs in the rolling tray.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"I'll put the pubes in. Who gives a shit?"
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Lying there in emotional purgatory,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31trying to get a knackered disposable lighter to work,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33the only lighter in the party,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35doing big, long flicks.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36"Come on, you piece of shit!"
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Eventually, you get a bit of blue flame, and I'm going, "Yes!"
0:08:43 > 0:08:47and then the "S" blows it straight back out again.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52It's hard to watch a married man lighting a pube joint
0:08:52 > 0:08:53off the toaster.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Are you a political man, Johnny? Oh, you don't give a shit.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07I watch it. I get into it. I like the politics.
0:09:07 > 0:09:08I've started buying the big paper.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I never knew the big papers were as expensive.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I just thought it would just be the same price.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Standing in the queue at the newsagent with my pound coin,
0:09:15 > 0:09:17making plans for the change.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"£1.80."
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"Oh, fuck. Do you take card, mate?"
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"Yeah, only if it's over a fiver."
0:09:26 > 0:09:27"Oh... Just... All right, a Daily Telegraph
0:09:27 > 0:09:30"and 16 packets of Hubba Bubba, mate. That's...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"I'm out of here."
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I watch it. The Tories, that's what we've got,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39reducing the deficit in the economy.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42That's what's going on. Austerity Britain, making cuts.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44AUDIENCE BOOS I watch them.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47ENGLISH ACCENT: We must work together to reduce the deficit.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50That's what's going on. Reducing the deficit.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I read about the deficit. Do you know about the deficit, big guy?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Do you know Britain's debt? No.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56£1.5 trillion.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00That's how much the UK owes somebody.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07£1.5 trillion.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I don't know who the fuck we owe that to.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12But surely they've gave up on it.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Surely...
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Surely, when it hit the trillion mark,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20they must have been having their doubts about ever seeing it back.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I've enjoyed Greece. I like their attitude.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26That's how you treat debt.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:10:27 > 0:10:30They've had a great time. It's got to the end.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Everybody's on their case - the IMF, the EU -
0:10:33 > 0:10:35and they're just telling them to go and fuck themselves.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Good on them.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Well done, Greece.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Angela Merkel on the phone going mental.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Greece have just got her on loudspeaker, just laughing at her.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Sitting drinking bottles of ouzo, letting her shout at them.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05GERMAN ACCENT: "You must make the repayments now!
0:11:05 > 0:11:09"240 billion euros."
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Going through books on Greek philosophy,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20trying to quote their way out of the mess.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24"Angela, as Socrates says..."
0:11:26 > 0:11:30"He is richest who is content with the least."
0:11:30 > 0:11:33"That's a beauty, man. Any more?"
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"Or as Epicurus said,
0:11:43 > 0:11:48"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, Angela."
0:11:51 > 0:11:53"Here, let me talk to her."
0:11:56 > 0:12:00"Or as Plato says, "You're not getting it, you fucking cow."
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Good on them. Everybody knows somebody like Greece.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I've got mates like Greece.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17They're likeable,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20but you don't lend them money unless you're prepared to deal with their
0:12:20 > 0:12:21shite when you try and get it back.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I don't know if you've seen that, Johnny.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Greece actually accused Germany of owing Greece
0:12:28 > 0:12:34279 billion euros because of the Nazi occupation in the 1940s.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Classic tactics.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"Oh, we're weren't going to mention it, Angela,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"but since you're chasing us up..."
0:12:46 > 0:12:47We're paying it back.
0:12:47 > 0:12:491.5 trillion, that's the plan.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Reduce the deficit. The deficit means you're spend too much money,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55don't bring enough money in. Tory solution, make cuts.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I think we just need to start making some more money.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01All these billionaire psychos putting their taxes
0:13:01 > 0:13:04into the Cayman Islands. They tell you that as if
0:13:04 > 0:13:07the money's irretrievable. Invade the Cayman Islands.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Get it back. What the fuck are the Cayman Islands going to do about it?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Instead of going after disabled people, single parents.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21That takes balls, doesn't it?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24That takes balls. George Osborne, Iain Duncan Smith.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Going through disabled people's doors.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31"This is your fault, mate.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35"You. We could go after tax-avoid multinationals,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38"we could go after Vodafone, Starbucks, Amazon, Google,
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"but it's your fault.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42"You."
0:13:46 > 0:13:48"You're going back to work, mate.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51"We don't give a fuck how disabled you are.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54"Oh, you're paralysed from the neck down?
0:13:54 > 0:13:55"We don't give a fuck, mate.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"There'll be a farm out there looking for a scarecrow."
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Couple of people checking for the offside flag on that joke there.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Maybe an extreme example, but that's...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28That's their ideal world. Cutting benefits.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30People fall for it, people believe it.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I hear folk moaning, I hear them, see them on Facebook.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35You discover through Facebook you hate your own aunties.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Reading their shite.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43"I have worked my whole life and I've worked two jobs
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"since I've been 12 years old and I think it's a disgrace
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"that these people are sitting on their fat arses..."
0:14:51 > 0:14:56"They're spending their dole cheques on alcohol and cigarettes.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58It's a darn right disgrace."
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Missing the point, man. They're spending it on alcohol
0:15:01 > 0:15:04and cigarettes - highly-taxable goods.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07The country's getting it back.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09These people are reinvesting.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15These people are the heroes in this mess.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18It's not poor people spending, it's rich people saving.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20That's the problem.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23The money's there. Just need to get it to people that'll spend it.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26I would put the dole up, I would make the dole a grand a week.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29That's how you kick-start an economy.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Every bit of it would get spent.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36You see it on Black Friday.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39That's poor people. Imagine them on £1,000 a week.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42The country would be bouncing!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Not one penny going offshore or into a savings account.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51"Let's get fucking tattoos, man."
0:15:57 > 0:16:01People arriving at the job centre in taxis, to sign on.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06"Just keep the meter running, my man. I'll be five minutes."
0:16:08 > 0:16:10"That's the dole up to a grand a week, Denise.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12"You still wanting your tits done?"
0:16:16 > 0:16:19"Aye, we'll get the hot tub, aye, why not. Grand a week."
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I've made a bit of dosh, thanks to you people, I've moved on.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I've made some cash.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I'm on the property ladder.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33That's what I done. Bought a house, bought a house off a neurologist.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35That builds an inferiority complex.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I'm showing up to buy his gaff in a Superdry hoodie.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Guy's gave me the tour.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Showing me his PhD
0:16:42 > 0:16:44"That's nice, mate. We'll get that down,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46"get that painting of the dogs playing poker up there.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"That'll be nice."
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I grew up in a council house. I grew up in Clydebank.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Couple of people know that.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Famous place. Famous for Wet Wet Wet.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Marti Pellow, he's the only guy who ever left Clydebank
0:17:04 > 0:17:06to become a heroin addict.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16But I'm in the West End. I'm in the nice bit of the city.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17I'm living...
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I'm living with the great and the good.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23It's where I live. I've been there for a few years.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26But it's never quite become my bit.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31You've got where you stay and you've got your bit.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33OK? That make sense?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36There's where you live and there's your bit.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It's not quite my... I don't know if it'll ever become my bit.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I see... I see the kids whose bit it is.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I hear them shouting on each other. "Sebastian?"
0:17:49 > 0:17:52"Sebastian, we're over here. Sebastian?"
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I hear a name like Sebastian,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I'm hoping to look up and see a Dalmatian, not this wee guy.
0:17:59 > 0:18:04Sebastian making his grand entrance with his purple blazer on,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07his perm wafting in the wind, a cello on his back.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16They call me Mr Bridges, the kids on my street.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I don't feel intimidated physically.
0:18:19 > 0:18:24I feel intellectually intimidated by the gangs of youths in my street.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"Mr Bridges? Mr Bridges, how are we, Mr Bridges?
0:18:27 > 0:18:31"The family and I sat down to one of your performances on the television
0:18:31 > 0:18:34"over the festive period, Mr Bridges.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37"A tad coarse in places."
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"However, I would be lying if I said
0:18:41 > 0:18:44"I didn't allow myself a chuckle, Mr Bridges."
0:18:46 > 0:18:50A wee guy. I'm out of my depth trying to talk to him.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53And having to raise my game to talk to a ten-year-old.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58I can't have a normal, older-guy-to-a-wee-guy conversation.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01"Who's the best fighter in your school, then, Sebastian?"
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"Well, I'm the chair of the school debating team, Mr Bridges.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"There have been a few heated exchanges,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11"but we've not quite come to blows yet."
0:19:12 > 0:19:16His wee pal's beside him, de-seeding a pomegranate with his fruit knife.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I still... See, I still wear trainers and stuff.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I never knew that was frowned upon,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31wearing sports gear, unless you're off to participate
0:19:31 > 0:19:35in a sporting activity. I still wear shorts, trainers, any excuse.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I've got a neighbour who always looks at me.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Always looking me up and down. Always going...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42"You off to the gym, Kevin? Off to the gym?"
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I said, "Mate, why do you always ask me if I'm off to the gym?"
0:19:44 > 0:19:47"Just when I seen your trainers there and your sports top."
0:19:47 > 0:19:51"Off to the gym, no?" "No, I'm off to the garage to buy a Wispa, mate.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52"It's not..."
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"..it's not a black-tie event, mate."
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I try and blend in. I'm quite a friendly guy.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07I've got a dog, for example, right,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09that's how you get to know your new neighbours.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Right, you become part of your local dogging community.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I got a dog, right.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17That's your buddy, I got a dog.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19You get in the park, dog's there,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22other dogs come over and start to play with your dog,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24you pat the other dog and you get talking to the owner.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Quite a sociable experience.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I'm in the park. Dog's there, another dog came over,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32began to play with my dog. Began sniffing my dog's arse.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Sniffing away. Having a great time. I'm patting the other dog.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38And I said, "And who's this?"
0:20:38 > 0:20:41That's dog walker talk for "What is your dog's name?"
0:20:41 > 0:20:44That's how you strike up a bit of chat.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I said, "And who's this?"
0:20:46 > 0:20:50And the guy goes, "Well, this here, this is, this is Diego."
0:20:53 > 0:20:56And I thought, "Oh, naming the dog after Diego Maradona, mate?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59"That would explain the sniffing, then, right."
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I thought that was the ideal thing to say.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Hilarious. I've got a voice in my head, going, "Superb, Kev.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14"An exemplary piece of patter.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17"This'll be your bit in no time, Kev."
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I'm asking his dog for the Paw of God,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23thinking this guy is going to spread the word.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26"Oh, yeah, I met Kevin Bridges in the park. The guy's funny as fuck,
0:21:26 > 0:21:28"even off-duty.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32"The man's a scream."
0:21:33 > 0:21:39But the guy said, "No, he's not named after Diego Maradona.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41"We named him after Diego Rivera,
0:21:41 > 0:21:46"the post-impressionist 19th-century Mexican protest painter."
0:21:48 > 0:21:50And this was a game changer.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I had nothing for the guy.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Wow. I looked him right in the eye.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I cannot believe you've just done that to me, mate.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I don't know what to say. I've never felt so homesick.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05A voice in my head going, "This is not your bit, Kev, go home.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08"You don't belong here. You're a fraud.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11"The sniffing patter, that might cut it down your bit,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14"this is the upper echelons of society.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"You think you're going to get away with that up here?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18"Even his dog is looking at your dog, as if,
0:22:18 > 0:22:21"My dad just fucking clamped your dad."
0:22:27 > 0:22:29And he just carried on with his day.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33And I'm left on my phone, having to Google this arsehole.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Under pressure. Another thing that I do not know has just been exposed.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I'm on Wikipedia reading about this guy.
0:22:42 > 0:22:48"Diego Rivera was a Mexican painter known for his large wall works
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"in the style of fresco."
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I don't know what that means.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Let's go back to the start, Kevin. Let's concentrate.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Learning is fun. Come on, this is the kind of shit you need to know
0:22:58 > 0:23:00to hold conversations up in this park.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"Diego Rivera was a Mexican..."
0:23:02 > 0:23:05You know what a Mexican is - tequila, sombreros.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09"Mexican painter."
0:23:09 > 0:23:12You know what painter is - Uncle Kenny's a painter.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Remember Uncle Kenny?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Used to always sneak you and your cousins a can
0:23:16 > 0:23:17at Christmas - remember?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20"Uncle Kenny, how come Auntie Denise lives in New Zealand?"
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"Drink your can, son." Remember Uncle Kenny?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28"Known for his large wall works in the style of fresco."
0:23:28 > 0:23:32I don't know what fresco means. But fresco is highlighted in blue,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35meaning it's got its own Wikipedia page.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39Why not make an afternoon out of it? I click on that link.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I've not even made it through the opening sentence of Diego Rivera's
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Wikipedia page and I'm on another Wikipedia page,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49reading about fresco.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"Fresco is a technique of mural painting,
0:23:51 > 0:23:55"executed upon wet or freshly-laid lime plaster."
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I don't know what lime plaster is.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00But that is also highlighted in blue.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Click on that link, Kevin.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06"Is there anything that you do fucking know, Kev?" Lime plaster?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10"Lime plaster is a type of plaster composed of hydrated lime water
0:24:10 > 0:24:12"and sand. Lime plaster is different from..."
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Why are you reading this, Kevin?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16You're supposed to be reading about Diego Rivera.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Remember why we came here.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Now, you've went to fresco, now you're on to lime plaster.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21You've got ADD.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26I'm Googling, "Have I got attention deficit disorder?".
0:24:28 > 0:24:34I'm taking the University of Maryland's six short questions
0:24:34 > 0:24:38to determine if I have attention deficit disorder.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43I'm about to diagnose myself with a mental health condition because
0:24:43 > 0:24:46of this phone, this tadger, and his wee shitey dog.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Even my dog is looking at me as if, get over it, Kev,
0:24:58 > 0:25:00hurry up and throw that tennis ball. Give me a minute, Annie.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I'm no well. I'm mentally ill.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Please be patient. I need your support just now, dog.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12Taking the test. The University of Maryland's six short questions
0:25:12 > 0:25:15to determine if I have attention deficit disorder.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18"Do you sometimes struggle with the finer parts of a project
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"once the challenging parts have been finalised?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24All of the time, most of the time, some..."
0:25:24 > 0:25:26"Ten celebrities you didn't know were gay."
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Don't go near it, Kevin.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Don't click on it. Don't fucking click on it.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Don't go near it.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36"14 reasons you are always tired." I am always tired.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39I think I have that chronic fatigue syndrome.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Finish the ADD test.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47How the fuck can I finish the ADD test if I've got ADD?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I went back,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55I read about Rivera, I got tooled up on this guy, educated myself.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57"Diego Rivera was born in 1886,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"Rivera began painting at the age of three years old,
0:26:00 > 0:26:01"a year after the death of his twin brother.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03"Rivera would paint on his bedroom walls.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06"His parents, rather than chastise him, installed chalkboards
0:26:06 > 0:26:08and canvas on his bedroom walls, to encourage his gift.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10"At the age of just ten years old,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13"Rivera was accepted to the San Carlos Academy of Fine Art
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"in Mexico City, where he studied until 1907, before moving to Europe,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"where he became friends with Pablo Picasso..." I've got shitloads.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21APPLAUSE
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Off to the gym? I've lost a bit of weight.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I don't know if anybody noticed that there.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Looking sharp.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37Lost a bit. People worry about you in this city when you lose weight.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I had a guy shout, "Fuck's sake, Kev, have you got AIDS?".
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Which is... just the local way of saying, "Looking sharp, Kev!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50"Have you been working out?"
0:26:51 > 0:26:55I've got a jaw. Look at that. Jaw. I've never had a jaw in my life.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I've always been fat. I was fat my whole life, right through school.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01This has been a long time coming. I was 18st when I was 18.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I was fat at school.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08That was tough. Sitting on a plastic chair at school at the end of every
0:27:08 > 0:27:12class, knowing there's going to be a sea of sweat that's been separating
0:27:12 > 0:27:15the two hemispheres of your arse.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Sitting beside the lassie that you fancy, having to do that slide,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22trying to wipe it as you're getting up.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32That was tough.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Being fat at school. I was the first in my class to get tits. It's hard.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Going to the swimming on a school trip.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"No, I'll just keep my T-shirt on, the water's dead cold.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46"I'm all right. I'll just swim with my T-shirt on."
0:27:46 > 0:27:47I went to a guy.
0:27:47 > 0:27:5018. That's when I first addressed the problem.
0:27:50 > 0:27:5218st. I went to the gym. The real gym.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55You know, the big, proper gym guys. The real big tanks.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58This new breed of man that you get.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01You know the big mammals? The big protein bastards.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05With the big beard, covered in tattoos.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09I'm going, "Mate, did I create you in a PlayStation game?"
0:28:11 > 0:28:15These big guys work in the Carphone Warehouse, but they're training for
0:28:15 > 0:28:16the apocalypse. These big...
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Convinced their best mate's shagging their missus and they're training
0:28:23 > 0:28:25for the day they can finally prove it.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31I went in... And that's what puts fat people off the gym.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33These guys. They take it too far, these big...
0:28:33 > 0:28:35"Only God can judge me."
0:28:35 > 0:28:38I'm standing here judging you, you big bell-end.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45I went to the guy. I said, "Look, mate,
0:28:45 > 0:28:47"I'm trying to lose a bit of weight."
0:28:47 > 0:28:50The guy goes, "It's all about nutrition. All about nutrition,
0:28:50 > 0:28:53"You can do whatever you want in here, but it's all about nutrition.
0:28:53 > 0:28:54"You can't out-train a bad diet."
0:28:54 > 0:28:57And he asked me... He asked me what I had for breakfast.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59He goes, "What did you have for breakfast this morning?"
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Instantly, I'm thinking, "I'd better say something that I never had for
0:29:02 > 0:29:04"breakfast this morning."
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Make a good impression with this big mammal.
0:29:06 > 0:29:09I said, "Oh, I had fruit, mate. A bowl of fruit."
0:29:09 > 0:29:11The guy's going, "Fruit in the morning,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14"that's got to go. Fruit in the morning, very high in sugar.
0:29:14 > 0:29:16"You need to lose that." I'm thinking, "Fruit, mate?
0:29:16 > 0:29:18"Fruit? That's bad now, fruit?
0:29:18 > 0:29:22"Fruit?! I never had a bowl of fruit, but as far as you're aware,
0:29:22 > 0:29:25"I did have a bowl of fruit, so I should be commended.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28"I had a fucking Terry's Chocolate Orange, mate."
0:29:33 > 0:29:36You've no idea how low I would stoop for breakfast -
0:29:36 > 0:29:39cold pashwari naan with Nutella on it.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43I've been there, mate and you're on my case about fruit?!
0:29:45 > 0:29:48I used to have four raspberry ice poles and a Wham bar for breakfast.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52Half past eight every morning for six years.
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Then, a roll and sausage at half past ten.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57A pizza crunch and chips at 12 o'clock.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00A can of Coke. Then, Astro Belts on the way home.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Fizzy cola bottles, Bikers, Johnny's Onion Rings.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05Everything. Then, I would... AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Then, I'd go home, for crispy pancakes, oven chips,
0:30:12 > 0:30:14potato waffles, croquettes.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Yellow, mate. That was the only colour I would eat. Yellow.
0:30:19 > 0:30:22"And you're on my case about fruit?"
0:30:24 > 0:30:26I never said that, because the guy would punch fuck out of me.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28but I was thinking it.
0:30:28 > 0:30:30I said, "All right, I'll cut out the fruit.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33The guy gave me a diary to fill in, a food diary.
0:30:33 > 0:30:34That's a step too far, Johnny.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Submitting hand written lies to somebody.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40He's telling me all these foods to cut out.
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Carbohydrates. "You should be eating this shit.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Eat this stuff, eat this sort of stuff.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46I'm filling in my food diary, on the internet,
0:30:46 > 0:30:48reading about super foods. Trying to impress the big man.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50"Monday morning, I had...
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Avo-cado. Avo-cado.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55"Here, what the fuck's avocado, in case this guy asks me?
0:30:57 > 0:31:01"You have it on toast? Oh, he'll go off his heid if I say toast.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08"Will I just say I had avocado? How many? How many?
0:31:08 > 0:31:11"Five? Five avocado.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15"Fuck it, I'll put ten. Ten avocado."
0:31:16 > 0:31:18Show the guy I'm serious about it.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Ten avocado. Monday morning, breakfast.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24Then, I had almonds and blueberries, and then I had beetroot.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Beetroot? That's a superfood, is it? A big jar of beetroot, mate.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29Got a spoon, rattled the lot.
0:31:29 > 0:31:32Mmm. Then, I had...
0:31:32 > 0:31:36Quin-oa. Qui-no-a. Am I saying that right?
0:31:36 > 0:31:38Qui-no-a?
0:31:38 > 0:31:41What the fuck is qui-no-a? Click on images.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44It's a powder? Snorted a couple of lines of quinoa.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54And then, I had oily fish and I really felt it reducing my risk
0:31:54 > 0:31:57of Alzheimer's, mate. And the guy's going...
0:31:57 > 0:31:59"This is great, Kev. Is this the truth?"
0:31:59 > 0:32:01And I'm saying, "No, mate, the truth would break your heart.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03"I'll tell you the truth.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06"I lasted two meals without carbohydrates
0:32:06 > 0:32:09"and I thought I was going insane.
0:32:09 > 0:32:10"I've never felt so angry.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14"I had to get off the couch and just lie on the floor,
0:32:14 > 0:32:19"staring at the ceiling, trying to take myself to a happier place.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23"Fantasising about carbohydrates. I never knew what a carbohydrate was
0:32:23 > 0:32:27"until you told me to cut them out, and then you grassed them all up.
0:32:29 > 0:32:33"I'm lying there, 'Oh, I would love a spaghetti toastie right now.
0:32:35 > 0:32:36"Mmm, how good would that be?
0:32:36 > 0:32:39"Or a baked potato, with rice in the middle.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43"Then, I could put that on a sandwich, eh?
0:32:43 > 0:32:47"When's the last time I had a piece and baked tattie and rice? Eh? Mmm.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50"With a wee spaghetti toastie chaser. Oh, yes!
0:32:52 > 0:32:56"Then, I crumbled, mate. I went rampaging through my own kitchen.
0:32:56 > 0:32:59"In the freezer, there was a tub of Ben & Jerry's that had been there
0:32:59 > 0:33:02"for months. Now, because it had been there for so long,
0:33:02 > 0:33:07"the little wooden spoon you get inside a tub of Ben & Jerry's bent
0:33:07 > 0:33:09"and snapped on impact with the ice cream.
0:33:09 > 0:33:13"So, I had to put the tub of Ben & Jerry's in the microwave.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17"Now, I left it in the microwave a bit longer than I should have done
0:33:17 > 0:33:18"and the ice cream melted,
0:33:18 > 0:33:21"so rather than just have a few wooden spoonfuls,
0:33:21 > 0:33:24"as I had initially intended, I drank the lot, mate."
0:33:28 > 0:33:32I never knew how to fit that into Monday evening's column.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37It's too extreme. If you're fat,
0:33:37 > 0:33:39you're at a tremendous advantage when it comes to losing weight.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41You need to bear that in mind.
0:33:41 > 0:33:45I was 18st at 18, now I'm 28 and I'm 14st.
0:33:45 > 0:33:47That's 4st I've lost.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Thank you for those of you applauding that.
0:33:53 > 0:33:57Applauding a man who's lost 4st in just ten years.
0:33:57 > 0:33:59That's...
0:34:01 > 0:34:05..admittedly, a pretty difficult diet to market.
0:34:05 > 0:34:09I'm not going to get on the front cover of Reveal with that story.
0:34:09 > 0:34:13"How I shifted 4st in just ten years."
0:34:13 > 0:34:16A before and after photograph
0:34:16 > 0:34:19and it's me with a school uniform on, in the "before".
0:34:27 > 0:34:31It's simple. Simple changes. That's what you need to make.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35That's what the 4st in ten years programme encourages.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40Small steps. Don't have McCoys, have Quavers. Simple changes.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45We don't need go to bed with a two-litre bottle of Fanta
0:34:45 > 0:34:48and a tube of Pringles every night. Small changes.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53You don't need to lose junk food, just Google it first.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56"What is healthy to eat from the Chinese?"
0:34:56 > 0:35:00Go on Yahoo Answers, ignore the top answer.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04Some nutritionist from the University of Arkansas.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06AMERICAN ACCENT: "Well, all Chinese food is usually fried.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09It's always very large portions and it usually contains a chemical
0:35:09 > 0:35:12called monosodium glutamate, which is highly addictive and fattening."
0:35:12 > 0:35:15Fuck her. Just keep scrolling down.
0:35:20 > 0:35:24Keep scrolling, until you find what you want to find.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26What about this, guys?
0:35:26 > 0:35:30Sweet and sour chicken is quite healthy, as long as you peel
0:35:30 > 0:35:33the batter off at least three of the chicken balls.
0:35:39 > 0:35:43If you're putting fried rice on a prawn cracker, don't have a lid.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45Just have the one prawn cracker.
0:35:47 > 0:35:54See, simple changes, that will help you shift 4st in just ten years.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59I'll be fat again. Don't worry, I'll be fat.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01I'll be back. I'm looking sharp, but I'll be back.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05I'm one all-inclusive holiday away from meltdown, don't worry.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12I went on that - a cultural break.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14Tried that. Done New York, all that stuff,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16you get dragged around tourist attractions.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19A lot more pressure on yourself to actually go and do shit,
0:36:19 > 0:36:21standing looking at stuff knowing you should be enjoying it.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25The Statue of Liberty. Wow, that's exactly how I thought it would look.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28Having to take your photograph.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32You don't realise how much shite you photograph until you go somewhere
0:36:32 > 0:36:35good and your phone runs out of memory.
0:36:35 > 0:36:39Standing on top of the Empire State building, deleting fry-ups.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49I've got an app called WhatsApp, right. All the kids have
0:36:49 > 0:36:51got it. People send you...
0:36:51 > 0:36:55People send you pictures and videos and it just saves straight to your
0:36:55 > 0:36:59phone. And it's horrific shit people send.
0:36:59 > 0:37:04And I never knew I had a video of a guy fucking a Hoover on my phone
0:37:04 > 0:37:08until I was showing my mother my holiday photographs.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13I'm flicking through them, giving my wee commentary.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15"That was us on the first night,
0:37:15 > 0:37:16"that was the view from the hotel, Mum.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18"That was the wee Italian restaurant.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20"That was where Harry Met Sally.
0:37:20 > 0:37:21"The pastrami sandwich wasn't very nice.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25"That's a guy... Aye, cracking holiday. Definitely recommend it.
0:37:25 > 0:37:29Of course you watch it. If a guy has taken the time to fuck a Hoover,
0:37:29 > 0:37:32I will take the time to watch a guy fuck a Hoover.
0:37:34 > 0:37:35Lying watching it.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38You ever seen your own reflection in your phone
0:37:38 > 0:37:41and you see how tragic you look at these moments.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45Lying on your couch, big double chin, dead behind the eyes.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Your life is ending.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53"Is that a Henry or a Henrietta he's fucking?"
0:37:56 > 0:38:01And you need to reply to your mate that sent it, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."
0:38:01 > 0:38:04H-A, H-A, H-A."
0:38:04 > 0:38:08Into the emoticons, there's that wee guy that cries with laughter.
0:38:08 > 0:38:1015 of them, mate.
0:38:10 > 0:38:14Projectile tears of laughter are leaving my eyes, mate.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16There we go. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..."
0:38:18 > 0:38:21That was it. New York, getting dragged into museums,
0:38:21 > 0:38:23trying so hard to enjoy it.
0:38:23 > 0:38:27Just that the voice in there going, "Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite."
0:38:30 > 0:38:33Trying so hard. It's not shite, Kevin, show some respect.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35It's shite. It's an art gallery, it's full of shite.
0:38:35 > 0:38:38Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40Listening to the tour guide, "And this is 300 years old,
0:38:40 > 0:38:42this was donated to the museum..." I thought...
0:38:42 > 0:38:45Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite, shite.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48"And you're fortunate that the Tutankhamen exhibit is here
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"for six weeks only." Trust me to land that six weeks.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54How shite will that be? Tutankhamen, the king of Egypt at 21.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56I bet he was a wee wank.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. Come on, Kevin.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02You're better than this. Let's see your show of strength.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04"Excuse me, mate. Is that a Diego Rivera?"
0:39:11 > 0:39:13You don't know who he is? You've found a victim, Kev.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16All that hard work. Give him it both barrels.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18"Never heard of Diego Rivera, mate?
0:39:18 > 0:39:21"No? Never seen Dreams Of A Sunday Afternoon In The Alameda?
0:39:21 > 0:39:25"Arguably one of Rivera's most controversial works, my man.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27"Why was it controversial?
0:39:27 > 0:39:29"Well, because it depicted Don Ignacio Ramirez
0:39:29 > 0:39:33"holding a placard that said, "God does not exist".
0:39:33 > 0:39:34"The work caused uproar, mate.
0:39:34 > 0:39:38"But Rivera refused to remove the placard until nine years later,
0:39:38 > 0:39:42"stating that he doesn't have to hide behind Don Ignacio Ramirez
0:39:42 > 0:39:44"to show his own atheist views and that he believes
0:39:44 > 0:39:47"all religions are a form of collective neurosis."
0:39:49 > 0:39:52You don't know this shit? Listen to this guy!
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Job done, Kev. Now get to the gift shop, buy a rubber and fuck off.
0:40:02 > 0:40:06I travel. I travel a lot. I appreciate my life.
0:40:06 > 0:40:07Travel, stay in a lot of hotels.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09They've always got bad news for you.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Noticing that in hotels.
0:40:11 > 0:40:16"Unfortunately, Sir, the Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby area."
0:40:16 > 0:40:20"Is it all right to masturbate in the lobby area?"
0:40:26 > 0:40:29That's what to say to them. Call them out on it.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31"I might use your Wi-Fi in your lobby, then, mate.
0:40:31 > 0:40:35"And the websites I visit, that is between me and my browsing cookies.
0:40:37 > 0:40:39"Your manager can deal with the inevitable
0:40:39 > 0:40:42"negative reviews on TripAdvisor."
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Some stunned couple.
0:40:46 > 0:40:51"Don't get me wrong, the rooms were spacious, the location was great,
0:40:51 > 0:40:54"the staff were a delight, could not fault the food or the facilities.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56"But on the final night, there was a Scottish bloke
0:40:56 > 0:40:59"ripping the head off it in the lobby."
0:41:03 > 0:41:05"It was a bloody disgusting.
0:41:05 > 0:41:08"Nothing subtle about it. He had his denims at his ankles,
0:41:08 > 0:41:09"his feet on the coffee table."
0:41:11 > 0:41:15"He was using both his hands, at one point.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18"He was shouting encouragement to himself."
0:41:20 > 0:41:22"He then demanded housekeeping bring him a Hoover.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24"It was rather bizarre."
0:41:28 > 0:41:29"Two stars, we won't be back.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31"Two stars."
0:41:31 > 0:41:35The Wi-Fi is killing this world, isn't it?
0:41:35 > 0:41:37The internet. I'm trying to cut loose.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39I'm trying to stay offline.
0:41:39 > 0:41:43I like technology, I appreciate what the geeks have done in this world,
0:41:43 > 0:41:45I just don't like the person that I've become.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48As soon as it fails, as soon as it stops working, it sends me
0:41:48 > 0:41:51into a big angry primate. I've had too many of these rages.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54I'm quite a peaceful guy. Fucking laptop stopped searching
0:41:54 > 0:41:56for wireless networks a few weeks ago, right.
0:41:56 > 0:41:59I know that sounds a bit trivial, but that's enough to send me...
0:41:59 > 0:42:01"Piece of shit." Fucking shouting at it.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Because I'm so out of my depth trying to figure out...
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Your laptop breaks, you've got two options, Johnny.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09You can hand it in to where you bought it or you can
0:42:09 > 0:42:11phone up the technical support line.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13What option would you choose, Johnny?
0:42:15 > 0:42:17In your own time, Johnny.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21Well, I phoned up, Johnny. You could hand it in.
0:42:21 > 0:42:22That's part of my problem.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26I know I need to hand this computer into the Apple Store,
0:42:26 > 0:42:30to speak to Marc with a C, with his wee genius T-shirt on.
0:42:30 > 0:42:34Talking about his band. "Yeah, we're called Skull Fracture.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36"We're playing the unsigned tent at T In The Park."
0:42:36 > 0:42:39With his big stupid earlobes hanging down.
0:42:39 > 0:42:41"Going to put your earrings back in, Marc,
0:42:41 > 0:42:44"and stop putting people off calamari for life."
0:42:48 > 0:42:50I decided to phone up -
0:42:50 > 0:42:53laptop is no longer searching for wireless networks.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55People were calling it a First World problem.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57That just makes you angrier.
0:42:57 > 0:42:59I fucking know it's a First World problem,
0:42:59 > 0:43:03that's why I'm on the phone to the Third World, trying to get it fixed.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07I phoned up.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11I'm on the phone, Indonesia, talking to my man, my man Gavin.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13He starts asking me questions...
0:43:13 > 0:43:16I'm telling Gav the issue.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20Gav's asking me for my DHCP client ID.
0:43:20 > 0:43:21I said, "I don't know what that means, Gav."
0:43:21 > 0:43:25Gav told me to click on system preferences, then go to network
0:43:25 > 0:43:27settings and, then, advanced network settings
0:43:27 > 0:43:29and he said in there, you should see a IPVN 4 number
0:43:29 > 0:43:32and, from that, you should be able to see your DHCP client ID.
0:43:32 > 0:43:34I'm following him, I'm getting excited here.
0:43:34 > 0:43:35Gav's onto something.
0:43:35 > 0:43:39I said, "Yes, Gav, I can see a DHCP client ID."
0:43:39 > 0:43:44And he's asking if it is configurated or deconfigurated.
0:43:44 > 0:43:46I said, "Well, Gav, it appears to be deconfigurated."
0:43:46 > 0:43:48Gav tells me to click on...
0:43:48 > 0:43:51I'm already there, Gav. Clicked on configurate, done deal.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54And he goes, try again. I'm so excited, Gav, to try again.
0:43:54 > 0:43:57I tried again and the laptop connected to the wireless network.
0:43:57 > 0:44:01I thanked Gav for his time and I'm left wondering, my mind was blown -
0:44:01 > 0:44:04who the fuck undone that?
0:44:08 > 0:44:13I have never been anywhere near that part of the computer before.
0:44:13 > 0:44:17So what happened between connecting to wireless networks and not
0:44:17 > 0:44:20connecting to wireless networks? Did I have an MIT frat party
0:44:20 > 0:44:22in the living room one night?
0:44:22 > 0:44:26Did I have Mark Zuckerberg and the boys round for a couple of cans?
0:44:26 > 0:44:28It's got a bit out of hand,
0:44:28 > 0:44:32I've fallen asleep at six in the morning and rather than
0:44:32 > 0:44:36just shave off my eyebrows or draw a cock and balls on my face,
0:44:36 > 0:44:40some prankster has logged into my laptop and deconfigurated
0:44:40 > 0:44:43my DHCP client ID.
0:44:50 > 0:44:53And you're raising kids in this world.
0:44:53 > 0:44:57I'm only 28, I still remember the world being a bit simpler.
0:44:57 > 0:45:00It's tragic when you hear the children going,
0:45:00 > 0:45:06"Dad. Dad, the iPad isn't performing the software update. Dad!"
0:45:06 > 0:45:09And if I ever become a father, I don't know if I could handle that.
0:45:09 > 0:45:12I think I'll be saying, "Shut the fuck up, ya wee tool."
0:45:15 > 0:45:17Performing a software update.
0:45:17 > 0:45:20"You're a wee guy. Go up to the loft, find a golf club,
0:45:20 > 0:45:23"get outside and chop some jaggy nettles. Go outside."
0:45:26 > 0:45:29"Outside. Get out there."
0:45:30 > 0:45:32"Away and chop some jaggies.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34"You're a wee guy. You got your whole life
0:45:34 > 0:45:37"to perform software updates. Go out there and be bored.
0:45:37 > 0:45:39"Decapitate a few dandelions.
0:45:39 > 0:45:40"Get in the bushes."
0:45:40 > 0:45:42"I've just been stung by a nettle!"
0:45:42 > 0:45:44"Well, get a fucking dock leaf then."
0:45:48 > 0:45:51"Learn some survival tactics.
0:45:51 > 0:45:53"Away out a big walk.
0:45:53 > 0:45:56"Just kick a plastic bottle down the street.
0:45:56 > 0:45:59"Be at one with your thoughts.
0:45:59 > 0:46:04"Get a big stick, get a bit of dog shite on the end..."
0:46:05 > 0:46:10"..control your bit, armed with a bit of dog shite on a stick."
0:46:11 > 0:46:13It's a rite of passage to any child.
0:46:13 > 0:46:16Sitting up in your bedroom getting cyber bullied.
0:46:16 > 0:46:19Go to his door with a bit of dog shite on a stick.
0:46:28 > 0:46:31They need to be bored. Their minds are too occupied.
0:46:31 > 0:46:34I used to be bored as a child. I was quite a creative wee guy.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37I tried to start a boyband. I had mental ideas.
0:46:37 > 0:46:41In my jotter, Element Four, that's what I called us.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43I had three mates who I gave aliases to.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45Earth, Fire, Rain, Wind.
0:46:45 > 0:46:49I told them about my plans. They laughed at me, called me "gayboy".
0:46:49 > 0:46:52I thought fuck yous. I went solo. Big Wind.
0:46:57 > 0:46:59Going down to the kitchen,
0:46:59 > 0:47:03grabbing the radio, up to the bedroom, blank cassette in,
0:47:03 > 0:47:06pressing play and record at the same time.
0:47:06 > 0:47:10With my lyrics that I'd wrote, Big Wind, in the studio.
0:47:10 > 0:47:16# Baby, I've been thinking about you
0:47:16 > 0:47:19# I think you're thinking about me, too... #
0:47:19 > 0:47:22Making sure my dad's not there, in case I get leathered.
0:47:24 > 0:47:29# When you say goodbye It made me cry, baby... #
0:47:29 > 0:47:32Doing the voice that long your eyes start to water,
0:47:32 > 0:47:34it really adds a bit to it.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36# Baby... #
0:47:36 > 0:47:38I was bored. I enjoyed childhood.
0:47:38 > 0:47:41Going out a big walk. Just showing up at your mate's door.
0:47:41 > 0:47:43Going in for your mates, going in for somebody.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46Just battering their letterbox unannounced.
0:47:50 > 0:47:53"All right, Mrs Cassidy, is Stu in?
0:47:53 > 0:47:56"I'm here to eat every crisp in this house."
0:48:02 > 0:48:05"His name is Stuart, Kevin." "Where is he? Stewbster!"
0:48:08 > 0:48:12That's when you discovered the love you had for your own family.
0:48:12 > 0:48:15I see the wee dweebs like that. "I actual hate my mum and dad."
0:48:15 > 0:48:17Fucking get out of the house, then.
0:48:17 > 0:48:21A sleepover, that's when you discovered how much
0:48:21 > 0:48:23you loved your own mum and dad.
0:48:23 > 0:48:26When you went and spent an evening in another family.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29That was an eye opener. And we need that.
0:48:29 > 0:48:32The kids are too busy online, they're not socialising
0:48:32 > 0:48:35to this level. You need to go and spend time in another house.
0:48:35 > 0:48:37Discover you've got it good.
0:48:37 > 0:48:39That Saturday morning,
0:48:39 > 0:48:42returning home to your own house, after a sleepover,
0:48:42 > 0:48:44you just want to cuddle your mum and dad,
0:48:44 > 0:48:47as if you just served in Afghanistan.
0:48:47 > 0:48:50"Mum. Come here.
0:48:50 > 0:48:52"Dad, bring it in, big guy.
0:48:52 > 0:48:54"I know I don't tell you a lot, but I love you.
0:48:54 > 0:48:56"The Cassidys are weirdos."
0:49:01 > 0:49:03Cos it would start off all right.
0:49:03 > 0:49:04You'd go in for Stu
0:49:04 > 0:49:07and end up in the bedroom playing the computer,
0:49:07 > 0:49:10he's making you use an unofficial control pad that his gran bought him
0:49:10 > 0:49:13for Christmas. You're letting that slide, even though it's frustrating.
0:49:13 > 0:49:16Through on goal trying to shoot, "Stu, where's the square button?
0:49:16 > 0:49:19Stu, Stu, Stu?" "It's not square, it's number nine on that pad."
0:49:19 > 0:49:22"Fucking piece of shit. Fuck you, Stu. Fuck you."
0:49:22 > 0:49:25Then, his mum comes into the bedroom.
0:49:25 > 0:49:26"Kevin, we're going to phone a Chinese,
0:49:26 > 0:49:29"would you like to stay for some Chinese?"
0:49:29 > 0:49:30Jackpot. "Of course.
0:49:30 > 0:49:34"Of course I'll stay for some Chinese."
0:49:34 > 0:49:36You start to relax. I like this family.
0:49:36 > 0:49:38I reckon I could be a Cassidy.
0:49:38 > 0:49:42Everything is going to plan. Friday night, home delivery.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45Then, you get shouted down the stairs, made to set the table.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47We're setting the table for a home delivery?
0:49:47 > 0:49:50Again, letting it slide. This is the Cassidys.
0:49:50 > 0:49:52It's not Christmas Day, but maybe this is their thing.
0:49:52 > 0:49:55Maybe they set the table for a home delivery.
0:49:55 > 0:49:58Then the food arrives. You don't recognise one thing
0:49:58 > 0:50:00that they've ordered.
0:50:00 > 0:50:04Not once was I consulted during the ordering process.
0:50:04 > 0:50:06I know I'm ten, I know I'm a guest,
0:50:06 > 0:50:09but ordering a home delivery is a democratic process.
0:50:09 > 0:50:13But again letting it slide. The dad is showing you the food.
0:50:13 > 0:50:16"OK, Kevin, this is the king scallops, Szechuan-style.
0:50:16 > 0:50:18"This is the kung pao lamb.
0:50:18 > 0:50:20"This is the sweet and chilli bean curd."
0:50:20 > 0:50:21"This isn't Chinese food, Mr Cassidy.
0:50:21 > 0:50:23"Where's all the yellow shit?
0:50:23 > 0:50:27"Where's all the chicken balls, chips, curry sauce?"
0:50:27 > 0:50:31You'd get laughed out of China for that shite, Mr Cassidy.
0:50:34 > 0:50:37Then, he starts saying grace, the dad.
0:50:37 > 0:50:40Thanking the Lord for a home delivery.
0:50:40 > 0:50:42Just fucking tip the delivery driver.
0:50:42 > 0:50:43Job done.
0:50:45 > 0:50:48You're trying to plate yourself up some food.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51You're going, "Mr Cassidy, where's the rice?"
0:50:51 > 0:50:54"Just give us a few minutes on the rice, Kevin.
0:50:54 > 0:50:57"It shouldn't be long." "Oh, they never sent the rice?
0:50:57 > 0:50:59"I hate when that happens, Mr Cassidy."
0:50:59 > 0:51:01"Oh, no, no, no. Sheila's just boiling the rice."
0:51:03 > 0:51:06"Oh, they sent it not boiled, Mr Cassidy?"
0:51:08 > 0:51:10"No, Kevin, they never sent anything.
0:51:10 > 0:51:12"We don't order rice from the Chinese.
0:51:12 > 0:51:16"Why would we pay £2 for rice when there's a whole jar of rice
0:51:16 > 0:51:19"on the worktop? That would just be stupid, wouldn't it?"
0:51:19 > 0:51:22Alarm bells are ringing. We're having fucking house rice?!
0:51:30 > 0:51:32With a home delivery on a Friday night -
0:51:32 > 0:51:34we're having it with house rice?!
0:51:36 > 0:51:38The evening's took a sinister turn.
0:51:38 > 0:51:40Glaring across the table at wee Stu.
0:51:40 > 0:51:42"I'm going to expose you.
0:51:44 > 0:51:47"This is going to finish you, Stu. In school on Monday.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49"This'll be your nickname for eternity.
0:51:49 > 0:51:53"Wee House Rice. Even if you're driving a Ferrari...
0:51:53 > 0:51:57"Oh, he's driving a Ferrari, is he?" "Who? House Rice?"
0:52:02 > 0:52:04Finish the food, seeing the family.
0:52:04 > 0:52:06I don't know if I could be a Cassidy.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09Then, you get made to wash the dishes.
0:52:09 > 0:52:11"Kevin, why don't you make a little game of it?
0:52:11 > 0:52:13"Stewart can wash them, you can dry them."
0:52:13 > 0:52:15Fucking great game, Mrs Cassidy(!)
0:52:15 > 0:52:19Non-stop scream in this house on a Friday night.
0:52:21 > 0:52:23Maybe we can change ends at half...
0:52:23 > 0:52:24Or is that a bit too out there?
0:52:26 > 0:52:29Then, the gran arrives. You get dragged into the living room.
0:52:29 > 0:52:32"Yeah, we always watch a movie together as a family, Kevin.
0:52:32 > 0:52:33"It's just our little Friday night thing.
0:52:33 > 0:52:35"Are you coming in? We're going to watch The Hand
0:52:35 > 0:52:38"That Rocks The Cradle? Have you seen it, Kevin?"
0:52:38 > 0:52:40"No, Mrs Cassidy, but I've heard it's fantastic.
0:52:40 > 0:52:44"I've heard it's hilarious." Having to sit watching this.
0:52:44 > 0:52:45How do I get out of here?
0:52:45 > 0:52:49I need to get home. I need home. Home. I'm homesick.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51I'm only four streets away and I'm homesick.
0:52:51 > 0:52:54"Kevin, why don't you just phone your dad and see if
0:52:54 > 0:52:55"you can stay overnight?
0:52:55 > 0:52:58"That would be nice. Have a wee sleepover."
0:52:58 > 0:53:00How the fuck do I get...? Imagine that, Kev?
0:53:00 > 0:53:03The overnight package, with these freaks.
0:53:05 > 0:53:07"Kevin, phone your dad." This is before mobile phones.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10You had to use the living room phone.
0:53:10 > 0:53:12The whole family are sitting there.
0:53:12 > 0:53:14"Phone your dad, Kevin. Phone your dad."
0:53:14 > 0:53:17The Hand That Rocks The Cradle's been paused.
0:53:17 > 0:53:19They're all listening in to your phone call.
0:53:19 > 0:53:21"Ask if you can stay overnight."
0:53:21 > 0:53:25On the phone to your da, solely dependent on your tone, to give
0:53:25 > 0:53:30across to your da that you're being held against your will.
0:53:34 > 0:53:37This is going to take an acting performance, Kevin.
0:53:37 > 0:53:40We need out of here. This isn't a family, this is a cult.
0:53:41 > 0:53:44"Phone your dad, Kevin." "All right, I'll phone my dad."
0:53:44 > 0:53:46Trying to get a bit of a lump in the throat going,
0:53:46 > 0:53:48hoping my dad hears I'm crying.
0:53:48 > 0:53:49Comes and rescued me. "Where are you, Kevin?
0:53:49 > 0:53:51"I'm going to come and I'll fucking do them.
0:53:51 > 0:53:55"Where are you? Where are you?" "Oh, it's ringing, it's ringing."
0:53:55 > 0:53:56HE CHOKES
0:53:58 > 0:54:00"Hi, Dad?"
0:54:01 > 0:54:04"Dad, is it all right if I stay overnight
0:54:04 > 0:54:05"at Stewart Cassidy's house?"
0:54:05 > 0:54:08"Of course it is, Kevin, you have a great night."
0:54:08 > 0:54:11Your dad's not getting it, at all.
0:54:11 > 0:54:13"Dad, are you sure I've got no plans in the morning?
0:54:13 > 0:54:15"I thought I had some plans.
0:54:15 > 0:54:17"Did you not say something about I had something on?"
0:54:17 > 0:54:18"Nothing on in the morning, Kevin.
0:54:18 > 0:54:22"It's a Saturday morning and you're ten years old, pal. No plans."
0:54:26 > 0:54:30That was it. You'd signed up. You were one of them for the evening.
0:54:30 > 0:54:32"Kevin, unpause the movie."
0:54:32 > 0:54:35"I think it's you that's got the doofer, Mr Cassidy."
0:54:35 > 0:54:38"It's me who's got the what? The doofer? The doofer?
0:54:38 > 0:54:40"Is that what you call the remote control?"
0:54:40 > 0:54:43"The doofer?" He's laughing, the maw's laughing.
0:54:43 > 0:54:45The whole family, wee House Rice is laughing.
0:54:45 > 0:54:48They're all laughing at you. They're ripping the piss out of you, Kev.
0:54:48 > 0:54:49"The doofer! The doofer!"
0:54:49 > 0:54:52Hook the da, Kev. Hook the da.
0:54:54 > 0:54:57Take the whole family out. One jab to the da.
0:54:57 > 0:55:00No family recovers from a jab to the da.
0:55:00 > 0:55:03"The doofer!" Fucking knock him out, Kev.
0:55:06 > 0:55:08Then, you're nudging wee Stu. "Mon, we'll go up to the bedroom.
0:55:08 > 0:55:12"Mon, we'll go up, House Rice. Mon, we'll go to bed."
0:55:12 > 0:55:15The da catches you. "Are you trying to get Stewart to go to bed
0:55:15 > 0:55:18"with you, Kevin? Is there something you're not telling us?"
0:55:18 > 0:55:21You're on thin ice, Mr Cassidy, you old bastard.
0:55:24 > 0:55:26Eventually, up to the bedroom.
0:55:26 > 0:55:29Wee House Rice just goes to sleep straightaway.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31You're left alone on his floorboards,
0:55:31 > 0:55:34inside a Scooby-Doo sleeping bag.
0:55:36 > 0:55:37You've not even got a pillow,
0:55:37 > 0:55:41you've got a cushion off the couch, with the zip on your neck,
0:55:41 > 0:55:43having to turn it.
0:55:43 > 0:55:47Alone, breathing in their family smell, their house smell.
0:55:47 > 0:55:51The whole family smell the same. I recognise that smell,
0:55:51 > 0:55:54that's the way he smells when I sit beside him in school.
0:55:54 > 0:55:56I wonder if he stunk out the house or the house stunk him out.
0:55:56 > 0:56:01I wonder what came first? Listen to these noises.
0:56:01 > 0:56:03How loud is your bedroom clock, House Rice?
0:56:03 > 0:56:06Ticking away every second of this torture.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09I need out of here. I wonder what time I can leave here.
0:56:09 > 0:56:12Do you think five in the morning's a bit early?
0:56:12 > 0:56:14That's the target, Kev.
0:56:14 > 0:56:17Five in the morning. Anybody catches you trying to leave...
0:56:17 > 0:56:20"Are you not going to stay for breakfast, Kevin?"
0:56:20 > 0:56:23Wonder what you get for breakfast in this shithole?
0:56:24 > 0:56:26"What would you like your breakfast, Kevin?"
0:56:26 > 0:56:28"Maybe some eggy bread?"
0:56:28 > 0:56:30"Eggy bread? Is that what you call French toast?!"
0:56:30 > 0:56:32All that shite starts again.
0:56:32 > 0:56:35All the House Riceses laughing at you.
0:56:36 > 0:56:39"Are you not going to stay, Kevin? We're going to have Alpen.
0:56:39 > 0:56:42"Do you like Alpen?" "Mm, yes, Mrs Cassidy,
0:56:42 > 0:56:45"I love nothing better on a Saturday morning than a big bowl of Alpen.
0:56:45 > 0:56:48"That's what gets me through the week. Mmm."
0:56:48 > 0:56:52Get something in that frying pan, you fucking boot.
0:56:56 > 0:57:00Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow, thank you for listening.
0:57:00 > 0:57:02It's been a pleasure talking to you.
0:57:02 > 0:57:03Thanks very much. Good night, Glasgow.
0:57:03 > 0:57:06Take care. Love one another. Thank you.
0:57:06 > 0:57:07Cheers.
0:57:13 > 0:57:15Thank you. Good night. Cheers.
0:57:15 > 0:57:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE