0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:14 > 0:00:19- Mate!- Mate!- Mate! - Mate!- Mate!- Mate!- Mate!
0:00:19 > 0:00:20I...I say it last.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21Mate!
0:00:33 > 0:00:3615, you're an absolute nightmare, you bloody chancer!
0:00:36 > 0:00:38These absolute muppets aren't fit to wear the shirt.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Couldn't agree more, mate.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Ah, if only I was back out there, lads.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Oh, absolutely, Mike! They'd be lording it with you out there.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48What was that career-ending injury of yours again?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50A crippling social schedule.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51And hay fever.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55I'm surprised you played through the allergy barrier as long as you did, Mike.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57I remember when you played against Munster in '05
0:00:57 > 0:01:00on a warm summer's day with a particularly high pollen count.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Your nose was running like a tap, but...you just kept playing.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I'm a warrior, lads, you know that.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Ref, he's got to see red for that!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10So do you ever think of making a return to the game, Mike?
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Not for me to say, mate. That's up to the Ulster Rugby Management.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Did you...leave on bad terms?
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I refused to travel to Cardiff for a European away game.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Do you not like flying? - No, it's not that, mate.
0:01:21 > 0:01:26- I just can't imagine there's very much to do in Wales, so... - Fair enough.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Oh, mate! 15! Are you scared of making a tackle?
0:01:29 > 0:01:3115, have you broken a nail?
0:01:31 > 0:01:35- Make a tackle, mate!- I think he's actually injured.- He's coming off.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36He's coming this way.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Yeah, good game, bro.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Take yourself off.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46What's that guy's problem?! "Take yourself off"!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Do you remember in the '90s, Alanis Morissette released a song
0:01:50 > 0:01:52called Ironic, and everybody loved it?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Except the only thing that was ironic about that song
0:01:55 > 0:01:56was that nothing in it was ironic.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59It was just a series of annoying events.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02So I've written my song and it's called Annoying.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16# It's a painful shit
0:02:16 > 0:02:19# When you don't even drink
0:02:19 > 0:02:21# It's a full set of lips
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# But her onion breath stinks
0:02:24 > 0:02:27# It's hair on the legs
0:02:27 > 0:02:30# Of the girl of your dreams
0:02:30 > 0:02:32# It's when the priest calls round
0:02:32 > 0:02:34# And you've got no Custard Creams
0:02:36 > 0:02:39# It's a ginger pube
0:02:39 > 0:02:41# On a fresh linen sheet
0:02:41 > 0:02:44# It's Good Friday night
0:02:44 > 0:02:47# But you're craving some meat
0:02:47 > 0:02:49# It's a kick in the dick
0:02:49 > 0:02:52# You're not wearing a cup
0:02:52 > 0:02:55# It's not finding the right words
0:02:55 > 0:02:57# To make your second verse rhyme
0:02:57 > 0:03:01# But that is just annoying
0:03:01 > 0:03:03# It's not irony
0:03:03 > 0:03:05# Isn't it annoying
0:03:06 > 0:03:09# When people use the wrong word? #
0:03:18 > 0:03:22And I keep the pencils all lined up here, HB to B,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25and the pens are in order of colour, light to dark.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30The stapler is at right angles to the edge of the desk and my A4
0:03:30 > 0:03:33pad is perfectly lined up with the side of the keyboard.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And that means then, there is plenty of space for the
0:03:36 > 0:03:38severed fingers that I keep in the draw.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Many people you see on the show you'll have never seen before
0:03:43 > 0:03:46on screen and that's kind of the beauty of what we're trying to do.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Obviously you'll know me, though, Shane Todd from 2008
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Northern Irish independent film, Battle Of The Bone.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Not the sort of film you think it is, Battle Of The bone.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59This is genuinely a film, by the way.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I haven't made this in my bedroom for the purposes of this gig. This...
0:04:03 > 0:04:07To give you an idea of the sort of success Battle Of The Bone in numbers, really,
0:04:07 > 0:04:12in HMV last year, it was, and I quote, "free with any purchase".
0:04:13 > 0:04:15ANY purchase.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17When you do a film like... Have you got a film? No?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Just me. Um...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22When you do a film, you obviously want to get
0:04:22 > 0:04:25a review for the cover, just to let people know that it's good
0:04:25 > 0:04:27and try and entice them to buy it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And we got a pretty good one for Battle Of The Bone.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Obviously this was sent in as a joke and wasn't meant to be put on.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36But so in the zone were the makers of Battle Of The Bone, that they
0:04:36 > 0:04:39just put it on there. So, Battle Of The Bone, check it out.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44"Arguably the greatest Irish martial arts zombie movie ever made."
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Arguably.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Free with any purchase.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Any purchase.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I am a lady.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01And thus I have written a song about ladies.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05And really, I'm very proud of being a lady from Northern Ireland.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I'm delighted to be from Northern Ireland.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11And, you know, some ladies get a bad rep from Northern Ireland,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13they're all, like, out there,
0:05:13 > 0:05:17but there's some very nice ladies from Northern Ireland.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Do you know who I mean? They are very, very nice. Nice ladies.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22So this is a song about them.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26# We're very nice ladies
0:05:26 > 0:05:30# Oh, yes, we're very nice ladies
0:05:30 > 0:05:33# Sex is only needed when someone wants a baby
0:05:33 > 0:05:35# If our husbands wanted more
0:05:35 > 0:05:38# Then they should have joined the Navy
0:05:38 > 0:05:40# We're very nice ladies, oh, yes!
0:05:40 > 0:05:44# We're very nice ladies, oh, yes!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47# Socialising at church, we say hello to God,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49# We don't say hello to Sally
0:05:49 > 0:05:51# Since her husband lost his job
0:05:51 > 0:05:53# We're very nice ladies
0:05:53 > 0:05:56# Oh, yes, we're very nice!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58# Oh, yes!
0:05:58 > 0:06:01# We shake our heads at parties
0:06:01 > 0:06:05# Saying Northern Ireland's such a state
0:06:05 > 0:06:07# With women's rights
0:06:07 > 0:06:09# Gays singing with pride
0:06:09 > 0:06:12# It's almost like we're out of date.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15# No, no!
0:06:15 > 0:06:16# We're very nice ladies
0:06:16 > 0:06:20# Oh, yes, we're very nice ladies
0:06:20 > 0:06:24# We are not racist like the slobs on Stephen Nolan,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26# Our gardeners are from Portugal
0:06:26 > 0:06:28# Our cleaners are from Poland
0:06:28 > 0:06:31# We're very, very happy, behind the smiles we're screaming
0:06:31 > 0:06:32# Without the cars and money
0:06:32 > 0:06:34# Our lives would have no meaning
0:06:34 > 0:06:37# Yes, yes, we're very nice ladies
0:06:37 > 0:06:41# Yes, yes, we're very nice ladies
0:06:41 > 0:06:44# We're nice, we're nice, we're nice, we're nice,
0:06:44 > 0:06:48# We're nice, we're nice, we're nice, we're nice, we're NICE! #
0:06:54 > 0:06:58I blame the parents. I mean, where are they?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And what are they doing that is so important
0:07:00 > 0:07:04that they can't play games with their children?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07I mean, what could the parents possibly be doing
0:07:07 > 0:07:10that they couldn't involve the kids with, eh?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Guys, you may have noticed recently, that the towns and cities
0:07:22 > 0:07:25have become densely populated with what we like to call "hipster bars".
0:07:25 > 0:07:28These are typically bars that you pay about 25 quid into
0:07:28 > 0:07:31and you get to sit and drink in a room that typically a tramp
0:07:31 > 0:07:33wouldn't take a shit in.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35We like to call it quirky, though.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Here at the Weasel & Frisbee, we've fabricated a pub's atmosphere
0:07:42 > 0:07:46and character by raiding skips and stopping any renovation work halfway through,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49thus exposing brickwork and plumbing.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Yeah, here at the Monkey & Cheesecake, I would also
0:07:51 > 0:07:54suggest that no two chairs are the same in the entire venue.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57You could be sitting on a milking stool, having a Tumblr exchange
0:07:57 > 0:08:01with a friend who's on a stepladder.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Dude, what's the Wi-Fi code here?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Well, we only have dial-up, so don't even worry about it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08HE HAWKS AND SPITS
0:08:08 > 0:08:10It's not a good year.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13We would also suggest, just to keep the attention of the punter,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16that you don't serve your drinks in regular vessels,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20that's why we'll do a chocolate stout out of this sweetie jar here,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23or you can get an organic gin bomb in a teapot.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26We also do "fill your boots" for £3.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Like, your actual boots.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yeah, and if you're not wearing boots,
0:08:29 > 0:08:34if you're wearing sandals, for example, we will put it in a cup.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Anything smaller, dude? That's like four-and-a-half litres.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I also think it's essential to have a knackered old piano
0:08:40 > 0:08:42in the corner, just in case an unsigned indie genius wants to come in
0:08:42 > 0:08:44and preview his EP.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47All right, dudes, this one's called Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48# Uh-uh-oh!
0:08:48 > 0:08:53# Uh-uh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh! Uh! #
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Cheers, Chief! I'm absolutely Gascoigned.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58HE SLURPS
0:08:58 > 0:09:04Hi, everyone! I'm Sammy Parker and this is day one of my amazing
0:09:04 > 0:09:06weight loss journey!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09I've always had a bit of chunk in my trunk and I'm not embarrassed
0:09:09 > 0:09:13to admit that, because I am doing something about it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16You see, I met my ex-fiance and his new skinny girlfriend
0:09:16 > 0:09:20out last week and she actually asked me when my baby was due.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Yeah! She did!
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Oh, the look of pity as she scanned my babyless gut.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29SHE SNARLS
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Now, obviously, I don't want to end up a skinny drainpipe
0:09:32 > 0:09:34with no personality, like her.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38But the orange-peel arse and Crimplene thighs, they have to go.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42So, I'm going to show you all how it's done!
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I am joining Flab Busters!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Yay! Because I have sat on my sofa all week
0:09:49 > 0:09:53and I have watched every workout DVD from Davina to Jane Fonda
0:09:53 > 0:09:57and like, nothing has happened. Like, zero.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Like, zilch, like NOTHING!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03So big changes have to happen.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I mean, I have a lifetime of binge-eating to contend with.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I blame the parents. Oh, yeah.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I mean, you see my mother, Sandra "the feeder" Parker.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15You daren't open your mouth near her otherwise you get
0:10:15 > 0:10:18a chicken and mushroom vol-au-vent shoved into it.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21I mean, she's like one of them crazy Americans that force-feed
0:10:21 > 0:10:24their girlfriends until they're so fat they have to be airlifted
0:10:24 > 0:10:27out of their condo by helicopter and taken to get a gastric band fitted!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30No, you see, I need an intervention.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Not apple pie and Pooh Bear ice cream.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34SHE SIGHS
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Oh, the diet starts tomorrow.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- Right, hand me a topic. - Er... Welfare?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- RAPS:- Yo, yo, welfare's well mad for...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53For people like me
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Er... Live like me for a day, that's a dare
0:10:56 > 0:10:58You won't be able to do it
0:10:58 > 0:11:01They don't care, the politicians
0:11:01 > 0:11:04All their ideas are dormant, up in Stormont,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Jamie Dornan, Fifty Shades Of Grey,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10slashing MY pay?
0:11:10 > 0:11:11Nah...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Sly!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17What is welfare?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Like I said, I want you to remember this,
0:11:22 > 0:11:23my name's Fergus O'Queeff,
0:11:23 > 0:11:27that's with two Fs, please, and a capital Q.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34I remember somebody once asked me in an interview...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36It was the last one she ever conducted, mind you,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38she didn't work in this town again.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43She asked me, "Fergus, what were the songs that you couldn't fix?"
0:11:43 > 0:11:45And I laughed!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51I said, "No, no, dear. No, no."
0:11:51 > 0:11:54And she came to me and she asked me this and I thought about it
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and I thought, "Certainly there are songs about I haven't fixed,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00"not that I couldn't."
0:12:00 > 0:12:02But I recall, when...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I thought about it,
0:12:04 > 0:12:07and I thought about the amount of people that have come to me
0:12:07 > 0:12:08asking my advice over the years.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11We are talking in the thousands here.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13And they come to me, all with the same spiel,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17"Fergus, you've been in the business 30 years, help me!"
0:12:17 > 0:12:20And I try to help.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And sometimes they take your advice and sometimes they don't.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27I can count on one hand the amount of people that haven't taken
0:12:27 > 0:12:30the advice and have gone on and made something of their lives.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32And...that's Michael Ball.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35You know, that's Donny Osmond.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38And national treasure, Jim Kerr.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I hold my hands up and I say, fair play to you! Fair play.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49When Michael came to me, when he was still black...
0:12:49 > 0:12:55And he said to me, he said, "Kieran..." and I said, "It's Fergus!"
0:12:57 > 0:13:02He said to me, "I have a lot of ideas for songs for a new album,"
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and I said, "Fine, let me hear it."
0:13:04 > 0:13:07And he gave them to me, and one of them, you know...
0:13:07 > 0:13:09We're firing ideas back and forth, as you do, you know?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11You guys will know what I'm talking about.
0:13:11 > 0:13:17So he came to me and said, "It don't matter if you're black or white." I said, "Of course it does."
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Of course it does. He said, "I want to be bad!" I said, "What if you were good?"
0:13:21 > 0:13:26He said, "Billie Jean wasn't my lover," and I said, "What if she WAS, Michael?"
0:13:26 > 0:13:28He said "Beat it," I said, "Go fuck yourself!"
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Yeah?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42And in fairness to him, he must've gotten the message,
0:13:42 > 0:13:46because I haven't heard from him in the last two or three years, so...