0:00:14 > 0:00:16It's actually really good to be up in Belfast,
0:00:16 > 0:00:19because I like it. If anybody is wondering,
0:00:19 > 0:00:23looking at me, "Is he? Isn't he?"
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Obviously, I am, I'm from Dublin.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30I like it because people in Dublin think that Belfast
0:00:30 > 0:00:35has an intimidating accent, which I don't get, I don't see it,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38because in Belfast, I think it's quite camp,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42cos I spent so much time watching Coronation Street growing up
0:00:42 > 0:00:46that when I see Gerry Adams, all I hear is Julian from UTV.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50So it's given me a really interesting perspective
0:00:50 > 0:00:52on Northern Ireland in a way,
0:00:52 > 0:00:55because it doesn't matter to me if you're Catholic or Protestant -
0:00:55 > 0:00:57you're all just continuity announcers to me.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00To be honest, I would have been shit craic during the Troubles.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03If you'd rang me and I was working in the Europa Hotel,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I just wouldn't have been able to take it seriously.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08You would have been like, "There's a bomb in the hotel,"
0:01:08 > 0:01:11and I would have been like, "Ooh! Mavis is in trouble now!"
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I love Julian, cos I think having a camp accent
0:01:16 > 0:01:17lets you get away with murder.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20There is a difference when you go abroad, though,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23in the camp accent, cos I was over gigging in London
0:01:23 > 0:01:27and I noticed that camp people in London speak very slowly.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29LONDON ACCENT: "Very slow, dahling.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32"Nothing to see here, just taking my time about being gay.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35"No, it's wonderful, dahling."
0:01:35 > 0:01:39STILL IN LONDON ACCENT: They kind of hiss at you like a snake charmer.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43"Oh, 'ello, dahling. Ohhhhh."
0:01:43 > 0:01:46OWN VOICE: Whereas in Ireland, camp people speak very quickly.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49If you met a camp fella in Dublin and went, "How was your night, John?"
0:01:49 > 0:01:51He'd say, "Oh, my God, I'll tell you all.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53"I was out last night, the George, then the Dragon,
0:01:53 > 0:01:55"then went for a couple of Blue WKDs. I was like, 'No more!'
0:01:55 > 0:01:56"Then I said, 'Smirnoff! Hello!'
0:01:56 > 0:01:59"I went dancing after that and I went, 'Hello! It's like Ibiza!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"'Would you be able? I'm not able,' but I was able."
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I think that that's evolutionary.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Because I think if you didn't want people to know you were gay,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13maybe in the '60s and '70s and more bigoted times,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15CAMP ENGLISH ACCENT: in London, you'd get away
0:02:15 > 0:02:17with this accent, wouldn't you, dahling?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Because there'd be very little difference between being gay
0:02:20 > 0:02:23or just being very wealthy.
0:02:23 > 0:02:29"Oh, no, I'm not gay! Nooo! I'm just rich!
0:02:29 > 0:02:30"Stinking rich!"
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Whereas we didn't have that option in Ireland.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37In Ireland, if you wanted to tell somebody you were gay,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39you had to do that so quickly.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42There were men in the 1980s in Dublin
0:02:42 > 0:02:44standing outside bars going,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47"Oh, yeah, it was brilliant, Tony, had a great time.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49"Brilliant match, I tell ya.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52"And the wedding yesterday - absolutely brilliant."
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And then out of the corner of your eye,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58you'd spot a fella that you just knew was gay.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00And you'd go, "One second, Tony, I'll be back to you in a minute.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03"No, wait there. I'll be back to you in a minute."
0:03:03 > 0:03:05He'd go over and go... CAMP: "Listen, I'm gay as well, but you can't tell anyone,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07so I'll meet you back here about 9pm, all right?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"Talk to you later. By the way, loved your service, Father.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11"Thanks, bye."
0:03:13 > 0:03:14BUTCH: "Go on, Tony."
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Hi, we are Hudson and Gulliver Broux of Bro Broux's Coffee Company.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25We recently literally left our jobs
0:03:25 > 0:03:27as information technology consultants.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29We literally asked ourselves,
0:03:29 > 0:03:33"Are we happy earning seven figures per annum, pre-tax?"
0:03:33 > 0:03:35The answer to that was literally, "Not really."
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Once we left, we discovered there was a gap in the market for artisan,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40free-range organic plaid-strained coffee,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44which of course we sell to our customers in a gravy boat.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45Obviously.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53The thing that makes our business special
0:03:53 > 0:03:55is that we like to keep it really exclusive,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58so we only really brew one cup of plaid-strained coffee.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Then I'll tweet out the location
0:03:59 > 0:04:02of where I'm going to sell said cup of coffee.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Yeah, prices start and end at £1,200 sterling.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Which isn't even... I think that's a fair price for this particular area.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- It's nothing.- It's nothing.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I've been known to pay upwards of four and a half grand for a mocha.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20So we're here at the secret location that we tweeted about earlier.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23We could probably expect to have a customer along any second now to pay
0:04:23 > 0:04:26for this one-off plaid-strained coffee that we brewed earlier.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29You did... You did tweet it, didn't you, Gulliver, yeah?
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Dude, I deleted Twitter about seven years ago, before it became popular.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34I thought you sent the tweet
0:04:34 > 0:04:37and I was just supposed to bring cutlery and condiments.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40You're absolutely ridiculous, man. Are you jesting me?
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Nay.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Unbelievable.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44You deleted Twitter?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Who have I've been sending portraits of my genitals to?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Beyonce probably wrote one of the most sexist songs
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I've ever heard in my life - If I Was Boy, and it was all how, like,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56"If I was a boy, I'd just be, like,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58"doing my own thang," right?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I'm like, "That's grand, love."
0:05:02 > 0:05:04I think if you were a fella, you might be a wee bit more dead-on,
0:05:04 > 0:05:05so...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Controversial, maybe,
0:05:12 > 0:05:13true, certainly.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16This is my song called If You Were A Boy.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I hope yous enjoy it. Sing along if you know the words.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Yous won't know it.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35# If you were a boy
0:05:36 > 0:05:40# You'd be a wee bit more sound
0:05:43 > 0:05:46# You'd be twice as buckin' likely
0:05:46 > 0:05:50# To offer to go and buy a round
0:05:53 > 0:05:56# If you were a boy
0:05:57 > 0:06:01# You'd like more interesting things
0:06:04 > 0:06:07# You wouldn't talk about your tampons
0:06:07 > 0:06:10# And all your shitty friends' diamond rings
0:06:13 > 0:06:18# If you were a boy
0:06:18 > 0:06:21# You wouldn't bribe me with sex
0:06:24 > 0:06:28# You wouldn't sit there passing judgment
0:06:28 > 0:06:31# While I play Xbox One in my kecks
0:06:34 > 0:06:36# If you were a boy
0:06:39 > 0:06:42# You would have your own friends
0:06:45 > 0:06:48# Like the kind that last forever. #
0:06:48 > 0:06:49MUSIC STOPS And not just the sort of ones
0:06:49 > 0:06:52that as soon as you meet them, you meet somebody on Tinder,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55you just drop your friends and go to the Box with your new boy
0:06:55 > 0:06:57that you've been talking to for what, ten minutes?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Then you come back here as soon as he dumps you
0:07:00 > 0:07:03and you just expect me to go to Marmaris with ye?
0:07:03 > 0:07:04I mean, I just can't!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09APPLAUSE
0:07:12 > 0:07:15MUSIC: Jackie Wilson Says by Dexy's Midnight Runners
0:07:15 > 0:07:18SINGING ALONG: # Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da
0:07:18 > 0:07:20# Ska-ba-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da
0:07:20 > 0:07:23# Da-da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da... #
0:07:23 > 0:07:26TURNING MUSIC OFF: As good as that song gets, I'm afraid.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28MOBILE RINGS Oh, phone's going.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Better pull safely over.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32TYRES SCREECH
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Aye, I got a community service.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Did you hear about that? Unbelievable.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40I have to go about and make sure dog owners pick up their dog muck.
0:07:40 > 0:07:45All because one yobbo caught me on camera
0:07:45 > 0:07:48driving whilst assembling my Airbus 380 model.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh, aye, I've got power, all right.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Aye, 80 quid maximum fine, or 40 quid concession
0:07:55 > 0:07:56if the dog's in a wheelchair.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01# I was only joking, my dear... #
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Right, where are you for, mate?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Stormont.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Stormont, no problem.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Stormont, I was actually up there the other night.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Wee darts game.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Mm-hm!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Me and... Me and Sammy Wilson.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Sammy's great craic, so he is.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22First three darts - 20, 5, 1,
0:08:22 > 0:08:27and he goes, "37!" I'm like, "No, Sammy, that's 26.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"Were you not finance minister once?"
0:08:29 > 0:08:32He's like, "Uh, might have been. Who knows?"
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Then he goes off there about, "Here,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38"check out the wee blonde up there in table seven.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40"Wouldn't mind finishing on her doubles,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"you know what I'm talking about?!"
0:08:44 > 0:08:48I said, "Sammy, that's Stevie Agnew of the Green Party.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49"A dude.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51"Have you been on the double vods?"
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- ON CAR RADIO:- 'So, we've been asking you all afternoon
0:08:54 > 0:08:56'to get in contact with us here...'
0:08:56 > 0:08:57DOG BARKS Oh, there we go.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Better pick that up, mate.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Your dog!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04You're just pretending to use a plastic bag.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Full daylight.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07You're not fooling me.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12No.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13This'll do.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16HE BLOWS WHISTLE
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Hands up, mate.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22MUSIC: Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Aye, see you in court, mate.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Oh!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31HE WHIMPERS
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Och, sweet God, no.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Oh, not the money maker!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41So you're telling me you won't print this on a cake for me
0:09:41 > 0:09:42because I'm a man?
0:09:42 > 0:09:47You know what this is? This is homophobia. I cannot believe this.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50The reason I won't print that picture on a cake for you isn't homophobia.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Well, why not, then?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Because it's a picture of my boyfriend.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Well...yes.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- Bollock-naked.- Right.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I... I have a telephoto lens.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Uh...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13PHONE RINGS, HE GROANS
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- Hello?- 'Hello.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- 'Is that Ballycrana PSNI station?' - It is.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Sgt James speaking.- 'Brilliant.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29- 'Look, I've got a theoretical question.'- Theoretical question?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30'Yeah, yeah.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32'Theoretically,
0:10:32 > 0:10:33'theoretically, right?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36'Just say a fella came to my door and was trying to sell me
0:10:36 > 0:10:38'a packet of dusters, right?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40'You know, and other sort of cleaning products.'
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Sort of cleaning products?
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- You mean, like mops and squeegees? - 'Yeah, yeah, right.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48'Theoretical mops and squeegees.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53'Well, say that theoretically happened - and I really can't stress
0:10:53 > 0:10:56'the theoretical part enough, here.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00'Say that in trying to sell me those dusters,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02'I thought that maybe he was insulting me
0:11:02 > 0:11:05'by implying I was a big girl's blouse.'
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Theoretically?- 'Oh, yeah.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12'And say I theoretically lost my temper a bit
0:11:12 > 0:11:16'and then theoretically beat him theoretically to death
0:11:16 > 0:11:18'with a can of Mr Sheen.'
0:11:18 > 0:11:20A theoretical can of Mr Sheen?
0:11:20 > 0:11:24'Yes, yes, yes, as you say, with a theoretical can of Mr Sheen.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27'Now, if all that happened...
0:11:27 > 0:11:31'theoretically, would I get off with a plea of self-defence?'
0:11:32 > 0:11:36No. That would pretty much be murder in the first degree.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38'Ah, right.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41- WHISPERING:- 'Mervin!
0:11:43 > 0:11:44'He says it's murder!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47'So, apparently,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50'a plea of self-defence isn't on the cards.'
0:11:52 > 0:11:54'Should I get the shovels, then?'
0:11:54 > 0:11:57'Yeah, better get the shovels.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03'Thanks for that.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05'You've been very, very helpful.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07'Very theoretically helpful.'
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I need to stop answering this phone.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Bad news!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Pound and a half on this week!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I mean, that means I'm half a pound heavier than I was
0:12:30 > 0:12:33before I started my "amazing" weight loss journey.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38The class leader, old Grotbags, was all, "Think thin, Sammie."
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Yeah, well, I thunk thin through my pulled pork baguette
0:12:41 > 0:12:44with extra barbecue sauce, but, er, nope!
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Still fat!
0:12:45 > 0:12:49I have been thinking thin all week!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51It's not my fault I have takeaway Tourette's.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55You know when you phone your Chinese
0:12:55 > 0:12:56for your vegetable chow mein - eight points -
0:12:56 > 0:12:59but you end up ordering all this other shite as well?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"Hello, can I have a vegetable chow mein, please?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"And six chicken balls, Peking duck, spare ribs
0:13:05 > 0:13:08"and a carton of curry sauce."
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Takeaway Tourette's!
0:13:10 > 0:13:11It's a real thing.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Yeah, well, Grotbags doesn't seem to think it is either.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19She looked at me as though I was two sandwiches short of a picnic.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Oh, God.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Oh, God, I'd love a sandwich.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26SHE SIGHS
0:13:31 > 0:13:33What's up? MC Beezer.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Hit me with a topic, any topic, and I'll just roll with it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- All right, mate, what about culture? - # Culture
0:13:39 > 0:13:41# Vulture
0:13:41 > 0:13:42# It's still all good
0:13:44 > 0:13:46# In the hood
0:13:46 > 0:13:48# Culture might even involve an event with food.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50# Or drink
0:13:51 > 0:13:53# Culture makes you think. #
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- Done?- I think that's great there.