0:00:33 > 0:00:36- Can I help you, sir? - Get the measuring tape out, mate.
0:00:36 > 0:00:3824-carat McGoldrick needs a custom-made suit.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Boys, this bloody jester's taking all day.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I doubt we'll have time to go to the gym before tonight's session.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51How can we get our pump on without having got our pump on first?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53OK, we'll just take a few measurements.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56So long as you don't use it as an excuse to touch Mike Junior,
0:00:56 > 0:00:58you absolute bloody banter merchant!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Boys, I doubt this bloody moron's going to have any customers
0:01:02 > 0:01:06any time soon - what do you say we go #popupgym, right here?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Don't think there'll be the room. - Just you concentrate on making me a suit
0:01:09 > 0:01:12so sweet more birds flock to it than a trawler coming
0:01:12 > 0:01:15back into port at the end of an episode of Deadliest Catch.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16- Bro...- Yes.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Bro...- Yes.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- Bro...- Yes.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- Very small biceps for an adult male. - Er...
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Somebody behind me you're talking to?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Listen, pal - you don't need a measuring tape -
0:01:27 > 0:01:28I need a medium suit with 5XL arms.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Boys, I have a feeling I'm going to pull a 10 out of 10 tonight.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Or maybe two 8/10s!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Alternatively, three 5/10s! Either way,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37it's going to be an absolute bloody rager!
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Sorry, you'll be busy.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Anyway, it's going to take about 3½, four weeks.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Er, mate - we're going for an avocado
0:01:43 > 0:01:45and protein smoothie right now.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47You'd better have it ready by the time we get back.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49The night out's tonight.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53It's a custom-made suit.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56For God's sake, it's Barry McGuigan's 55th birthday do in the Europa.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I will buy your house and evict you from it.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14This is a song for all the bitches in your lives.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18So please, feel free to learn it and make use of it.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21# I hope that no-one laughs
0:02:21 > 0:02:25# At your jokes again
0:02:25 > 0:02:28# I hope late-night online bingo
0:02:28 > 0:02:31# Will become your only friend #
0:02:31 > 0:02:33# I hope deodorant
0:02:33 > 0:02:37# No longer works for you
0:02:37 > 0:02:44# And the dogshit in the street will always find your shoe
0:02:47 > 0:02:50# I hope on busy days
0:02:50 > 0:02:53# Your car will not start
0:02:53 > 0:02:57# And at your next smear test appointment
0:02:57 > 0:02:59# You let out a fanny fart
0:03:00 > 0:03:05# I should just clarify, I don't want harm to come to you
0:03:06 > 0:03:13# But on second thoughts, incurable cystitis would do
0:03:20 > 0:03:22# I pray from this day on
0:03:22 > 0:03:25# Your tights will always rip
0:03:26 > 0:03:28# And no treatment on this earth
0:03:28 > 0:03:33# Will shift that hair above your lip
0:03:33 > 0:03:38# I hope you end up last in every queue you're in
0:03:39 > 0:03:44# But most of all I hope you see that I'm OK
0:03:44 > 0:03:47# And that you didn't...
0:03:47 > 0:03:50# Win. #
0:03:50 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:04:00That's the problem with youth today.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04And this is exactly why we need a Neighbourhood Watch,
0:04:04 > 0:04:08because if it wasn't for me keeping an eye on what was
0:04:08 > 0:04:13going on in the street, then all sorts of weirdos would be moving in.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14MUSIC STARTS UP
0:04:14 > 0:04:16But nothing gets past me.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20Those kids are up to something, but when they start,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I'm going to be here.
0:04:22 > 0:04:23I don't miss a thing.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28My name is Fergus O'Queeff
0:04:28 > 0:04:33and that's with a capital Q and two Fs, please.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35I...
0:04:35 > 0:04:40grew up in West Belfast and people frequently say to me, they say...
0:04:41 > 0:04:45"Fergus, have you forgotten where you came from?" and I say, "Well,
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"I have three fridges now..."
0:04:47 > 0:04:50And to me, that screams status.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55I suppose some of you may know me, you'd certainly know my work,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57but some of you may know me as the Hit Machine,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00that's what I'm known as on the streets.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I prefer to think of myself as a rugged
0:05:03 > 0:05:06influence on the music of the last 30, 35 years.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I...got into this business
0:05:12 > 0:05:16via a career in street dance and...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19..I remember when I would be growing up -
0:05:19 > 0:05:20I grew up in West Belfast -
0:05:20 > 0:05:22people would shout things across the street at me
0:05:22 > 0:05:26when I was in my spandex, they would shout things, they would say...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28"Faggot", "Tippy Gaylord", or...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32You know, "shirt lifter" or "nonce" or something like that
0:05:32 > 0:05:34and I'd just ignore it and continue to do my steps, but...
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I...
0:05:38 > 0:05:42I suppose this is a business that I've stayed in...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44People often ask me why I've stayed in it
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and I suppose the reason
0:05:47 > 0:05:51why I stayed in it for so long is because of the people.
0:05:51 > 0:05:57Now, I recall when Gordon was at the early part of his journey...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Gordon Sumner, you might know him as Sting, but...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05He...
0:06:05 > 0:06:07He came to me...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09and he said... "Ciaran..."
0:06:09 > 0:06:12I said, "My name's Fergus." And he said...
0:06:12 > 0:06:14He said to me...
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Please, please.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21He said to me, he said...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"I want to write a Christmas album"
0:06:24 > 0:06:26and I said, "Gordon, I love it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30"However, wouldn't you like to do something a little bit more
0:06:30 > 0:06:32"avant-garde? You know you love the avant-garde."
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And he said, "Well, what sort of stuff do you mean?"
0:06:35 > 0:06:38And I said, not Christmas album, but winter song book.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40And...
0:06:40 > 0:06:44He went away and we put Prokofiev and Shostakovich
0:06:44 > 0:06:47and all those guys in there, and we used it, and nobody bought it.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48But...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52..it was the art that spoke to me.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You know, I've worked with Gordon, like I say,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56since the start of his journey
0:06:56 > 0:06:58and I remember...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You'll enjoy this, it's a good story about early Gordon Sumner!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03He came to me and he said to me,
0:07:03 > 0:07:09"I have this song and it's about a streetwalker
0:07:09 > 0:07:13"that I met in Newcastle upon Tyne" and I said, "What's it called?"
0:07:13 > 0:07:16And he said "Joanne". I said,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18"Don't know... Let me hear it."
0:07:18 > 0:07:21He picked a guitar up and this is the way it went... It went...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25# Jo-anne....
0:07:27 > 0:07:30# You don't have to take off your red tights
0:07:30 > 0:07:32# Your pubes are hairy
0:07:32 > 0:07:36# Your pubes are ginger and you're not all that bright... #
0:07:36 > 0:07:39And I said, "I don't know, Gordon,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42"if everybody shares your desire
0:07:42 > 0:07:44"for rusty-pubed hookers..."
0:07:47 > 0:07:50He said, "Let me leave that with you" and he did.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55I took it and I said, "Gordon, we want a song that rocks, yes?"
0:07:55 > 0:07:57He said, "How are we going to do that?"
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I said, "Let's change the name".
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Let's change it to Roxanne.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05And he did and it was a major hit, platinum, and he...
0:08:07 > 0:08:09He was with me, we were at a party
0:08:09 > 0:08:11at Pamela Valentine's house recently...
0:08:13 > 0:08:15He leaned into my ear from over the couch
0:08:15 > 0:08:17and he leaned into my ear
0:08:17 > 0:08:18and he said, "Ciaran...",
0:08:18 > 0:08:20and I said, "It's Fergus..."
0:08:21 > 0:08:23He leaned in here and he said...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"Thank you for helping me with Roxanne.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"You are an inspiration.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"You're the reason why angels play harps."
0:08:34 > 0:08:38And I said to him, "Thank you, Gordon" -
0:08:38 > 0:08:41and that was just so early Gordon Sumner, that's the way he was.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44And I recall he came to me with another idea,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46it was a song called Fields of Gold.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50It was originally about trawling the darker side of the internet.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52And...
0:08:52 > 0:08:53He left it with me
0:08:53 > 0:08:58and we made that one a little more accessible as well, you know.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Sure. Sure.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04And, you know... That was Gordon.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08So, we've been able to go forward in time
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and get some tweets about the show - this isn't live,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13but use #latelicence if you want to get involved.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Fortunately, I've been able to travel forward in time
0:09:15 > 0:09:17and just get some of those.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18The first one is,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21"I saw Shane Todd in the waiting room of my dentist recently
0:09:21 > 0:09:22"and he wasn't that funny."
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Number two, "Shane Todd looks a bit like a young Vladimir Putin", so...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Don't know.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38"When will this programme mention The Troubles, please?"
0:09:41 > 0:09:44"The moment when you find out Mike McGoldrick isn't a real person
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"and it's someone called Sean Toms."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Not my name.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52"Why is Shane Todd?" Yep, that's just it - why is Shane Todd?
0:09:52 > 0:09:57Thanks a million, guys. God loves a trier, but hates Shane Todd.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02And that one comes in from my dad, so thanks a lot.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Appreciate it.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- That music is music to my ears. - FALSETTO:- Absolutely gorgeous.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- So, we are Chuck McGinley and... - The Manboy.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Before we became a country music duo,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24we formed a couple of different bands before that.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27We had the hip-hop collective, Beastie Aldi Boys,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- we had the metal group, um... - Rage Against The Justine...
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Rage Against The Justine - I used to have a girlfriend called Justine.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Hallion?- Full-scale Hallion.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38We're a big fan of Busted, so we're going to form an Irish cover group,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41call it McBusted and then they joined up with McFly, didn't they...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- That's right. - And you were a big fan of Busted.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Big fan until they tried to sue us.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47They tried to sue us cos we stole the name McBusted.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Claimed a fortune, I haven't listened to them since.- No.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- Threw the T-shirt out. - And the posters - I kept one.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55He kept one, in case he runs out of toilet roll.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I noticed then Chuck had a striking resemblance to Garth Brooks,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00so we decided to get into the country business,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03and then Garth Brooks cancelled all them gigs in Dublin.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- That wasn't good craic. - Wasn't good craic - we were getting death threats and all.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09I walked out one morning, there was a full horse's head stuck on a spike.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12In the band, I play the guitar,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I write most of the songs
0:11:14 > 0:11:18and the Manboy here, he takes care of the vocals, don't you?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19# Yeah, I do! #
0:11:19 > 0:11:22He does and he also plays the percussion,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24takes care of the rhythm section.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Sorry. Sorry... That's not in time at all.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Who's playing percussion, me or you, Chuck?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I don't see anyone playing percussion round here.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42And if you're liking that, Chuck will send it to you
0:11:42 > 0:11:45via Bluetooth for a polyphonic ring tone. How much is it, Chuck?
0:11:45 > 0:11:493.95 and then the rest of the album's on my Bebo page.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52My cousin recently asked me to be usher at his wedding,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55but... I told him I don't really do impressions.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05He doesn't get it.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08This is great, like filming in Belfast.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11I love travelling round, though - getting out there
0:12:11 > 0:12:13and doing stand-up in as many different places as possible.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17It's my main passion. I did a show in London recently and it sold out.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I couldn't believe it. I didn't think I'd get five people,
0:12:20 > 0:12:21never mind six.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25But it was good and after the gig... It went well,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29we told the whole audience to go back to a bar near the venue
0:12:29 > 0:12:31and everybody came and we got chatting to this guy.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I was still buzzing and he was like, "Great show, really enjoyed it".
0:12:34 > 0:12:37He was from Northern Ireland, like many of the audience were,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and he said just weird request, though.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"Are you going back to Belfast tomorrow?"
0:12:42 > 0:12:44I was like, "Yeah, I'm travelling back first thing".
0:12:44 > 0:12:46And he said, "I was wondering if you'd do me a favour.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50"If my mate met you at the airport, could you give him this package?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Just like a small package.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53And I went from buzzing to gutted
0:12:53 > 0:12:56when I realised people had started working out it was cheaper to
0:12:56 > 0:13:00buy tickets to my show in London than to pay postage and packing...
0:13:01 > 0:13:05To send stuff back home. So...
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Shane Todd, part-time comedian, full-time courier, living the...
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Living the dream, lads.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17You see, a lot of people would use the mini fridge to keep their
0:13:17 > 0:13:22lunch in, but I keep my sandwiches in the desk drawer, out of the sun.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25The soup I make in the morning and then I leave it on the radiator
0:13:25 > 0:13:27so it's always toasty
0:13:27 > 0:13:30and I keep my orange juice behind the monitor, where it is nice
0:13:30 > 0:13:32and cool and that leaves
0:13:32 > 0:13:36the fridge free for me to store my pee-pee in.