0:00:19 > 0:00:21DOG BARKS
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHILDREN YELL
0:00:29 > 0:00:31SHE STRAINS
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Devil licked it, God cleaned it...
0:00:35 > 0:00:37And I ate it.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40SHE EXHALES
0:00:40 > 0:00:42My weight stayed the same this week,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44even though I've been exercising.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49But you know what? I've had a revelation about myself.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I'm an emotional eater.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It all started when I was a kid at school, packed lunches.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58My mum used to buy yellow pack everything.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Crisps, chocolate, even the napkins were yellow pack.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05No 5-4-3-2-1s or Blue Riband for me, oh, no!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08"You're only paying for the wrapper, Sammy!"
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Yeah! Well, all the kids used to laugh at me.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I was traumatised!
0:01:13 > 0:01:14It was yellow pack hell.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I used to scoff my food that fast
0:01:18 > 0:01:21just so I could get rid of the big yellow wrappers.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22SHE GASPS
0:01:22 > 0:01:24And then I'd have food envy as my mates ate all their
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Marathon bars and their Yop drinks.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28SHE GASPS
0:01:28 > 0:01:30And then, when I split up with my ex,
0:01:30 > 0:01:35I ate an entire family bargain bucket chicken feast bonanza.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36By myself.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Wasn't the first time.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40And it won't be the last.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43SHE SIGHS
0:01:43 > 0:01:46But you see, now that I know this, I'm not going to be
0:01:46 > 0:01:49so hard on myself, because you see,
0:01:49 > 0:01:50- I- am a damaged child.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I'm still trying to eat my way out of that yellow pack hell.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's all about self-control.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04SOUND OF ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Well, I'm a work in progress.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Diet starts tomorrow.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Ooof!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17I wouldn't be very good at confrontation,
0:02:17 > 0:02:19it's just something I can't do.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Even if it's good confrontation. My nanna always just said,
0:02:22 > 0:02:25"If somebody offers you a cup of tea you don't want, just take it."
0:02:25 > 0:02:28It is the Irish way. It's because you're Irish.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29That's what you have to do.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31And I can't do it!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I'm to tell you, right, I'm the kind of fellow who,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37if I'm in a taxi and the taxi driver's telling me a story,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I wouldn't want to interrupt him, even though I know I've passed my house.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I've been in taxis to my house in Tulla and the driver's been
0:02:45 > 0:02:48telling me about his divorce and then he goes, "Where were we going again?"
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I'm like, "Kildare?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:53"And back again?"
0:02:53 > 0:02:57And in fact, one time I was on a flight and a woman saw me
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and I'm quite camp, you know.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03When I came out, my parents were like, "Al, you need to come in."
0:03:03 > 0:03:07And on the flight, the woman mistook me for being an air steward.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10And I just didn't tell her I wasn't.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14She said, "A white wine please," and I went and got her one.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18The weird part was that she looked me up and down, really gave me a good look
0:03:18 > 0:03:24and said, "Oh, look at you there! Is it a no-uniform day, is it?"
0:03:24 > 0:03:27"A no-uniform day? Uh-huh?"
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I just couldn't understand how she thought that was a thing,
0:03:33 > 0:03:41because to me, a no-uniform cabin-crew day is called a hijacking.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46A friend said to me, "Here's a joke for you!"
0:03:46 > 0:03:50And people often do that to comics, "Here's a joke for you!"
0:03:50 > 0:03:54And all I do on stage is talk shite about my life, so I figured
0:03:54 > 0:03:57he meant do it as a practical joke, you know, practical joke?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00So he said, "Go to the top of a taxi rank
0:04:00 > 0:04:03"and knock on the first two windows
0:04:03 > 0:04:07"and offer the first two drivers of the taxi...
0:04:07 > 0:04:10"..a blow job to bring you home."
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And then they'll say no, you knock on the third window
0:04:14 > 0:04:16and say, "Will you bring me home?"
0:04:16 > 0:04:22He'll say, "Of course", and as he drives off, the other two drivers
0:04:22 > 0:04:25will be looking at him going,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"Oh, now, I didn't know that Brian was into that!"
0:04:28 > 0:04:32So I thought, this is going to be a great idea for a practical joke.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I love it, right? So I did this one when I was up in Belfast, OK?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39And I was on Botanic Avenue and I went into a taxi
0:04:39 > 0:04:42and knocked on the first window and your man went, "What?"
0:04:42 > 0:04:46And I said,
0:04:46 > 0:04:50"If you bring me home, I'll give you a blow job."
0:04:50 > 0:04:52And he went, "Ha-ha!"
0:04:52 > 0:04:53"All right."
0:04:58 > 0:04:59FEEBLE APPLAUSE
0:04:59 > 0:05:02So everybody has their reasons why they get addicted to stuff.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05For me, I got addicted to rave music back in the '90s,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08which in turn meant I then became addicted to drugs.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Me and my mates used to go out every weekend, we'd take everything.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15We'd take Es, we'd take coke, we took speed.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17And then of course we took Rennies,
0:05:17 > 0:05:20because you take that much drugs, gives you a terrible heartburn.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23The music was good back then, but the more drugs you took,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25the better the music got.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Started taking loads of drugs.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Got into DJing, DJ Bellies on the wheels of steel.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Started taking way more drugs, and I started stealing,
0:05:34 > 0:05:35stole from everybody.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I stole from my family!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- TEARFULLY:- I even ended up stealing from own mother.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41HE SOBS
0:05:48 > 0:05:50So then I got out of prison.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Sober and clean.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54And as much as I miss getting high -
0:05:54 > 0:05:57high as an eagle's nipples, let me tell you -
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I realised it wasn't the drugs that I missed, guys, it wasn't, no.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02It wasn't the drugs at all.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04It was just the music that I missed.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05It was just the music, guys!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I just missed the music!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10DJ Sammy, drop that beat for me, mate! Here we go.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Glow sticks '96!
0:06:11 > 0:06:1390S RAVE MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:17 > 0:06:20That's it, in the zone, in the zone now, that's us! That's us!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Ooh-ooh! Irt-Irt!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26MUSIC CONTINUES
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Sorry... - GASPS
0:06:30 > 0:06:33GASPS CLEARS THROAT
0:06:36 > 0:06:40You probably do need a lot of drugs to listen to that sort of music, to be fair.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41HE EXHALES
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- You probably do need the drugs. - HE HURLS
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Yous are all finding it too harsh over this end.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52There's too much menopause over here.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Um...
0:06:56 > 0:07:00They told me not to swear, so what I'm doing now is being mean. It's mental.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Anyway...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04When you're going to write an Irish folk song,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07the first thing you want to do is get this chord.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11It sounds really sad and ominous, it's called A minor, it's like this.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Right?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17And then, obviously, because it's Irish folk, you want to really thump
0:07:17 > 0:07:20the shit out of that chord, like this...
0:07:20 > 0:07:21You know, like...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Get your mad eyes on!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28You know, like you're going to fight your ma! Right?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Imagine this, right.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39You're riding towards an army checkpoint, right?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45And the only thing protecting you is a stolen Peugeot 306.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Right, so then, lyrics-wise, right,
0:07:51 > 0:07:56what do you want to do is, think of a year in the 1800s, right?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You want to think about something the Brits did.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Say it again, I will, for yous!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08You want to think about something the English did!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Then you want to pick an Irish folk hero who tried to help
0:08:14 > 0:08:17the Irish by selling food, right?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20And you want to shorten his name down, so makes it sounds like
0:08:20 > 0:08:23you were mates with him, so, if it was Michael Collins,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26you'd go, "Big Mickey Collins!" Right?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33The last thing you have to remember is then to sing like
0:08:33 > 0:08:35somebody strangling a goose, right?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Not just any goose, though.
0:08:37 > 0:08:44Like one that's being like, you know, corn-fed in Cork and then thrown into your microwave, live.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48And then you put all those things together and this is what you get.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52# It was 1840 in Ballygortinasnugget
0:08:55 > 0:08:58# The English brought the blight
0:09:00 > 0:09:03# And big Dan O'Connell was selling chicken nuggets
0:09:07 > 0:09:11# But the weather was buckin' shite. #
0:09:18 > 0:09:23ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- ALL: Cheers!- Hear, hear.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32ALL: Hear, hear!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Anyway, guys. Poor bugger breaks her spine skiing,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36nine months in a Swiss hospital.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38What am I going to do?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39THEY LAUGH
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- Guys, let's have an absolute rager tonight.- Absolutely.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Cheers.- Cheers. - Um, Mike?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Thomas Anderson just walked in.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48But don't look now, OK?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Mike McGoldrick.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Thomas Anderson, is it not £8 in to the club tonight?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- What did you do, sneak in, bro? - I have never paid into a club.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05That may be true, old sport, but this is a VIP area,
0:10:05 > 0:10:06which stands for very...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10..i-intelligent player.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12So how did someone stupid like you get in?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Great chat.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Look, I know you're jealous that I'm back from my gap year
0:10:16 > 0:10:19and I'm ready to make a play to take over the social scene again.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Mate, when you were on your gap year, I bought and sold the company.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- I've got more dough than Pizza Hut at the minute, bro.- Great banter.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Look, why don't we say you and the boys just get out of here?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31The big dog is back, return of the Mack.
0:10:31 > 0:10:37Yeah, you're the "Big Mac", because you're a...burger!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39How dare you.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41PS, I don't even get that banter.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43PPS, where's your girlfriend, Anderson?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46That's right, I heard she left you to go and "find herself".
0:10:46 > 0:10:48How absolutely dare you!
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Fair play to her, I mean, I hear she did find herself.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Last spotted in my bedroom.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I asked her if she could stick around for breakfast.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Look, Mike, just calm down. You don't want to cause a scene here.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59You'll have to fight another day, Anderson.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02It's kind of wrong to make fun of my man whose father's recently
0:11:02 > 0:11:05had to downgrade to the 2014 Porsche?
0:11:05 > 0:11:06I beg your pardon?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Well, I happen to despise beggars, sir.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Does anybody know quiff CPR?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18This is the worst thing I've ever witnessed in my very sheltered life.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Were losing volume here, people!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23HE GASPS
0:11:40 > 0:11:42All right! How's it going?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Listen, listen, I have to say I'm sorry about your dog.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Sorry to hear that, like.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Uh-huh. Well, articulated lorries will do that to them, mate,
0:11:51 > 0:11:53you know what they're like.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Uh-huh. You what?
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Well, he'll be accepting Christ into his heart, you know.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I'm sure he is in heaven, somewhere...
0:12:02 > 0:12:05But anyway, I'm phoning to tell you, you take the week off, all right?
0:12:05 > 0:12:06I'm going to cover for you.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I've got to do one of these tours now, as well.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14Oh, what do you need to know? I'll just make it up as I go along. Aye.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Here's one now. I'd better go. Cheerio, all right?
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Hi, you must be Davy?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20- How long you here for?- I'm here...
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- What part of America are you from? - Well, I'm...- We'll get going, sir. uh-huh.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26This is Belfast, you know?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Um...Bel... "Belfast" coming from the old Irish for "Bell Fester",
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- which of course means "radioactive trout".- Oh?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Hence the massive fish there, of course.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Now, you see that wee girl in the pink flowery tracksuit thing?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43- Says "Too Juicy" on her backside, but the waves are falling off her arse?- Yes.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47No, no. You're looking at the guy who's trying to break into that ambulance.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49See beside him, right?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51You see where the guy is throwing chicken fillets at the police?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Behind the group of small children? Smoking?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Yes! Aye! That's what they're doing, aye! See there, right?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01That's the exact point where Bill Clinton promised a
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- better future for Northern Ireland. - Wow!- Right y'are.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- Bit of history there. Take a wee picture.- I think we should.- Uh-huh.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10You can blur out the kids.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Um, you couldn't have a wee look in the footwell there
0:13:13 > 0:13:15for my sunglasses?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- There's Gerry Adams!- Where?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- Gerry Adams!- Where? Where?! - You missed him, mate! Ah!
0:13:27 > 0:13:32And that wee girl, mate, despite all the odds, this always gets me.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- TEARFULLY:- That wee girl...
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- grew up to be Liam Neeson.- Wow.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Liam Neeson.
0:13:42 > 0:13:47And that's where he lived, just that wee porch, over there.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52Oh, it's amazing. It's a Belfast story, mate. That's what it is.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53An amazing Belfast story.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Take a picture.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00You can blur out the kids.