0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Some people live a healthy lifestyle
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# I don't
0:00:24 > 0:00:26# Some people listen to advice
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# I won't
0:00:29 > 0:00:35# Some people ask me why doesn't that big arse make you cry?
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# Well, yes, but I can still have cake and wine
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# Goodbye, Slimming world
0:00:43 > 0:00:46# I'm done with watching weight
0:00:46 > 0:00:48# Fuck you, Dr Atkins
0:00:48 > 0:00:52# Yes, that's bread rolls on my plate
0:00:52 > 0:00:57# Who wants to be size 10 or a walk in a straight line?
0:00:57 > 0:01:03# Not me I'd rather have my cake and wine
0:01:03 > 0:01:05# Goodbye, extra sizing
0:01:05 > 0:01:08# Like a dickhead in the park
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# Come in, Mr White Wine
0:01:11 > 0:01:14# Reality, piss off
0:01:14 > 0:01:19# Who wants buns of steel or to be sober after nine?
0:01:19 > 0:01:24# Not me I'd rather have my cake and wine
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# This is not a cry for help
0:01:27 > 0:01:29# I'm actually fine
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# With love handles and my gout
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# I'm in my prime
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# I may get fat and drunk
0:01:41 > 0:01:44# But I'll have a good time. #
0:01:44 > 0:01:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:54PHONE RINGS
0:02:00 > 0:02:02'Hello, is that Ballyconnell PSNI station?'
0:02:02 > 0:02:04It is. Sgt James speaking.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07'Brilliant. Look, I have got a theoretical question.'
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- A theoretical question? - 'Yeah.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12'So, I was wondering, just say, theoretically,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15'I was on a cross-channel ferry with a couple of friends
0:02:15 > 0:02:17'on a theoretical stag do...'
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Yes.- '..and then just say that we had a theoretical barbecue.'
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Theoretical barbecue on a theoretical ferry?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26'Yeah, I mean, you've got to have a theoretical barbecue
0:02:26 > 0:02:28'on a theoretical stag do.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31'You know, a few theoretical sausages stuck on a few theoretical baps,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35'and maybe a few conjectural beers as well.'
0:02:35 > 0:02:36I have a bad feeling where this is going.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40'Yeah, well, let's just say that the theoretical barbecue
0:02:40 > 0:02:42'gets knocked over because Marvin,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44'being the theoretical arse that he is,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47'has brought his theoretical basset hound on board with him
0:02:47 > 0:02:50'and then got said basset hound theoretically drunk
0:02:50 > 0:02:52'on a few conjectural beers.'
0:02:52 > 0:02:53Oh, God, no.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55'Oh, theoretically, yes.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59'Now, if all that happened, it would be theoretically all right
0:02:59 > 0:03:01'if the ferry theoretically caught fire, wouldn't it?'
0:03:01 > 0:03:03No, it wouldn't.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05'Because we would be surrounded by all the theoretical water.'
0:03:05 > 0:03:07It wouldn't, it would be an absolute disaster.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09'Ah, it would be...'
0:03:09 > 0:03:11It would be a theoretical disaster.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Look, listen, what I need you to - I need you to go and get
0:03:14 > 0:03:17all the fire extinguishers and try to put the fire out.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18'I would love to do that,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21'but unfortunately Marvin theoretically used them
0:03:21 > 0:03:23'to start the theoretical barbecue.'
0:03:23 > 0:03:24What?!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27How can he use a fire extinguisher to start a fire?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29'Yeah, to be honest,
0:03:29 > 0:03:32'we were very theoretically surprised by that as well.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33'He's not the brightest man in the world,
0:03:33 > 0:03:35'but when it comes to things like that,
0:03:35 > 0:03:39'he is fiercely persistent, fiercely theoretically persistent.'
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Right, look, what I need you to do...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42'Listen, I am going to have to go now.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44'Marvin's theoretical dog
0:03:44 > 0:03:47'has just cast off in the last theoretical lifeboat.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50'I can't even do the theoretical doggy paddle,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53'so I'm off to theoretically find someone who can swim
0:03:53 > 0:03:55'and can theoretically sticky-tape myself to the back of them.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58'It has been a pleasure as always, Officer.'
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I need to stop answering this phone.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09All right, guys, this is my impression of myself
0:04:09 > 0:04:11trying to sleep in my house in Belfast city centre
0:04:11 > 0:04:14every single night.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16WHIRRING, HE GROANS
0:04:16 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:26The joke train is about to depart. Is everybody on board?
0:04:26 > 0:04:27CHEERING
0:04:27 > 0:04:28BELL RINGS
0:04:31 > 0:04:34That's not the right tune.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Let's do this.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37MID-TEMPO BEAT BEGINS
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Oh, yeah.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I'm not even singing.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49All right. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I invented a time machine next week.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:56HE PLAYS TUNE
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I got the sack in work last week...
0:05:10 > 0:05:13or as my boss calls it, teabagged.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:18HE PLAYS TUNE
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30ICU!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32LAUGHTER
0:05:33 > 0:05:36HE PLAYS TUNE
0:05:37 > 0:05:39I composed this jingle myself,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42if you could not laugh over the top of it, that would be...
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Otherwise I don't get paid, sort of thing.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48HE PLAYS TUNE
0:05:48 > 0:05:52So myself and my girlfriend, we were talking about belly buttons.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53She says, "I have an outie",
0:05:53 > 0:05:57I said, "Bitch, I don't care what you drive, you need to shave that thing."
0:06:01 > 0:06:02HE PLAYS TUNE
0:06:04 > 0:06:06(Remix.)
0:06:06 > 0:06:08HE PLAYS TUNE
0:06:09 > 0:06:12There's no remix.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13You know when couples are in bed at night
0:06:13 > 0:06:16and one hugs the other from behind?
0:06:16 > 0:06:17That is called spooning.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Do dwarfs call it teaspooning?
0:06:23 > 0:06:24HE PLAYS TUNE
0:06:33 > 0:06:35LAUGHTER
0:06:35 > 0:06:38So I've got a six-year-old son.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42God, he is too cool for school, you know?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44But, according to social services,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47that is not a legitimate reason to keep him off.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53It is actually his birthday coming up.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I've got him a jigsaw.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Well, that laminate floor is not going to cut itself.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03HE PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE
0:07:10 > 0:07:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:18 > 0:07:23My name, just to reiterate, is Fergus O'Queeff.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26That is a capital Q and 2Fs. Thank you.
0:07:28 > 0:07:34One of the things that people often ask me about would be lyrics.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36That's the words in the songs.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42People come to me and they ask, "What are your favourite lyrics?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44"What lyrics have you given to people?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"How do you come up with these fabulous lyrics?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:56I think the first time I wrote a lyric that made it onto an LP
0:07:56 > 0:07:59was when a curly-haired fella...
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Don't know if you remember him - Don Henley.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04You might know him as the drummer and lead singer
0:08:04 > 0:08:06of a little band called the Eagles. Yeah?
0:08:06 > 0:08:11He came to me, we are talking the late '70s now.
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Thatcher had just been voted in,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I was living in Drogheda to avoid...the North.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Don came to me.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23He knew I was living down there, he was on tour of Ireland.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25He brought a little ukulele with him,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28a little uke, and he said...
0:08:28 > 0:08:31He played this wonderful song, it was called Hotel California.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I said to him, "I really like that. It is very catchy.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38"I'm not sure about the themes at the start."
0:08:38 > 0:08:41If you think about the song, think about this part -
0:08:41 > 0:08:43every time you hear this part,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46there is a little bit of me dribbling into your head. Yeah?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Every time you hear the words "dark desert highway",
0:08:49 > 0:08:52thank your lucky stars that it was changed from
0:08:52 > 0:08:54"the A1 between Newry and Dublin."
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:59This is pre-toll bridge era we are talking about.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01An arduous trek.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I fixed that.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10"The warm smell of colitas" that has become memorable
0:09:10 > 0:09:13was originally "a faint whiff of Lynx Africa
0:09:13 > 0:09:14"rising up through the air."
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Have you ever smelt Lynx Africa
0:09:18 > 0:09:23rising out of a man's heated crotch on a tour bus?
0:09:25 > 0:09:30Let me tell you something - you dodged a bullet. It's not great.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32A lot of people don't know when they look at me
0:09:32 > 0:09:36they are looking at the man that gave the world "zig-a-zig-ah".
0:09:36 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43The original lyric was much more racist.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52Girl Power would have a very different meaning in that context.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56But really, you know, when I think of lyrics really,
0:09:56 > 0:09:57the words in songs, the sentences,
0:09:57 > 0:10:01the commas, the punctuation, the feeling...
0:10:01 > 0:10:02the balls,
0:10:02 > 0:10:07I think about one man and one man only.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08That is Mr Craig David.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Because when Craig came to me, he said "Fergus",
0:10:13 > 0:10:16he said, "can you fill me in?"
0:10:16 > 0:10:20I said, "I can fill your little world right up, friend".
0:10:20 > 0:10:21He didn't like that.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25But it went on to be a hit for The Feeling a few years later.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I said to Craig, "We need more time to work on your first album."
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I says, "Go away and come back to me".
0:10:30 > 0:10:33He said, "Give me a week." I said, "Sure, take seven days."
0:10:33 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:37And he did.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41He took that and he came back with a wonderful description,
0:10:41 > 0:10:46a descriptive tale, a ballad, of meeting, you know...
0:10:46 > 0:10:48a tart, really.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Bumping uglies with her all week, in one week.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Intensive sex.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56It was very well meant.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59He came to me in a few days later with another song.
0:10:59 > 0:11:04Strap in for this one. He said to me, "Fergus, I'm walking away."
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I said, "After the week you have just had with your woman..."
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"very doubtful", he was torn to shreds down there.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And we laughed.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I digress, I think of Craig David,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24but I've just thought of something else.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26It is very personal and dear to me.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28CHAIR CREAKS
0:11:30 > 0:11:35I used to think often about my good friend,
0:11:35 > 0:11:40a fantastic lyricist and songwriter,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Mr Freddie Mercury.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Freddie Mercury, he was a misunderstood prophet
0:11:47 > 0:11:48in his own time.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51He came to me with a few ideas.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54We didn't like them.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57We decided to just start beating ideas around the room,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59just back and forth, back and forth.
0:11:59 > 0:12:05He would often say that I gave him a great sense of calm and inspiration.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10He said to me, he said to me one time, he said,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13"I could pretend I like fat bottomed girls."
0:12:13 > 0:12:18I said "Freddie, you are a champion. I have got no time for losers."
0:12:18 > 0:12:21It came to a point where there was this huge public backlash
0:12:21 > 0:12:23about his personal life.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25They were going to take him off the radio.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Now, you can't do that to Freddie Mercury.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29He was absolutely gaga for it.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I told him that. I told him that.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34If Freddie had one vision in this life,
0:12:34 > 0:12:35I said to him, I said,
0:12:35 > 0:12:39"He will rock you", you know?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41He came to me with some trouble one time.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44He had put a gun against a man's head and pulled the trigger
0:12:44 > 0:12:46and, you know, that was that.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Essentially, he needed me to hide him.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I said, "Freddie, you are a killer queen."
0:12:52 > 0:12:54He said, "Yes, I am, Fergus." He said, "Thank you."
0:12:54 > 0:12:57He said, he said to me, "I don't know what I am going to do."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I said, "You have to stop this."
0:12:59 > 0:13:01He just looked deep into my eyes, dead as you like, and said,
0:13:01 > 0:13:03"Don't stop me now."
0:13:03 > 0:13:08You know, it went on to be a major, major platinum-selling hit.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I suppose...
0:13:10 > 0:13:13You know, I still live off the royalties
0:13:13 > 0:13:16of the work we did with Freddie at that time.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18It fills my three fridges.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:27MC Beezer, back up at you.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Right, subject - shoot.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32What about terrorism an' all?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34MID-TEMPO BEAT BEGINS HE RAPS: # Yo, yo
0:13:34 > 0:13:36# Terrorism, people with guns
0:13:36 > 0:13:37# Shooting nuns
0:13:37 > 0:13:39# People all over the world fighting
0:13:39 > 0:13:41# Over different gods
0:13:41 > 0:13:47# In Northern Ireland it's the Catholics versus the Jews...? #
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Protestants.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50# Prods
0:13:50 > 0:13:51# Isis are... #
0:13:51 > 0:13:53BEAT STOPS
0:13:53 > 0:13:55BEAT BEGINS # ..not n-Isis. #