0:00:17 > 0:00:20Yes, Michael, what can I do for you? Uh-huh?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22No, no, he wasn't working last week, now.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24I know the taxi was in operation.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27It was Johnny. Aye, it was Johnny that was doing it.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Why?
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Lost and found?
0:00:30 > 0:00:33No, nothing suspicious.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34I'll tell you what there is.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38There's a half-eaten kebab, there is an umbilical cord...
0:00:39 > 0:00:42..decommissioning of weapons photographs,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45and the key to the city of Lisburn.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48But, no, nothing else, mate, why? What are you looking for?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52A what? A what?!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55From a what? A hen do?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59A plastic knob?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01What in God's name is that?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04No, I'm not... If I find that, mate, I'm not going to phone you.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I'm going to go and bury the thing over the border
0:01:07 > 0:01:09and then have this car blessed.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- RADIO:- For a chance to win that all expenses paid trip,
0:01:13 > 0:01:14John from Bangor,
0:01:14 > 0:01:18when did Queen Elizabeth II ascend the throne?
0:01:18 > 0:01:201952 is your answer.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Er...
0:01:22 > 0:01:241952!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Er...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28One nine five two!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- A complete guess here, 1998?- Ugh!
0:01:32 > 0:01:37Christ. You couldn't pay me to be that stupid.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Brake's not working. Brake!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Brake. Argh!
0:01:47 > 0:01:51The cause of the crash, Constable, was my braking mechanism was
0:01:51 > 0:01:55impeded by an impediment that I was unaware of at the time.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57All right?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Well, what was the impediment?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Does it matter? Does it really matter?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03It matters for the report, sir.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06It was a plastic dick, all right?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Yes. Don't go on about it.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Is that your own, sir?
0:02:10 > 0:02:14I've been married for 40 years. What am I supposed to do with that?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Put it in my fish tank?
0:02:15 > 0:02:17No, you don't need to take a picture of it.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It's standard policing procedure, sir,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21if you could just hold it up a little higher.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Standard...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Just a little closer to your face. - All right.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29All right?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Where's he going?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37He's not even a cop!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44So here at Broux Bro's Hipster Industries we kind of noticed that
0:02:44 > 0:02:47every Tom, Dick and Harold basically has a beard these days,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49so we've decided to olive-branch out
0:02:49 > 0:02:53and kind of release our own range of beard products called Face Puppies.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56You might literally notice
0:02:56 > 0:02:59that we literally don't even have beards ourselves
0:02:59 > 0:03:01and that's just cos we don't want to have something
0:03:01 > 0:03:02that everybody else literally has
0:03:02 > 0:03:05and it's not literally just cos I can't grow one.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07So...
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Not on his face, anyway. Big Viking sack on him.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Our first product on sale is this flick-knife beard comb, which is
0:03:14 > 0:03:16made from authentic melted down bits of Game Boy
0:03:16 > 0:03:21and is an absolute steal at only 14 million Vietnamese dongs.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22#Bargain, bro.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Obviously, a beard wouldn't be a beard without beard oil,
0:03:26 > 0:03:30that's why this Face Puppies beard oil is 100% organically sourced
0:03:30 > 0:03:34shark liver oil, which is ethnically extracted from a live shark.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I did it myself at Explorers this morning. It's fresh.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I'm Dean Fitzpatrickstein and I fully endorse Face Puppies.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I've been using Face Puppies since 2000 yesterday
0:03:44 > 0:03:45and my face has went from smooth
0:03:45 > 0:03:48to like the rump of an Aberdeen Angus,
0:03:48 > 0:03:49I'm absolutely delighted.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53And, yes, before you ask, it does work on women's pubes.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- Give me a subject, any subject. - I'll give you some rap back. Hit it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Talk to me about relationships.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08# You've got to have important relationships in your lives
0:04:08 > 0:04:11# Whether it's husbands, brothers sisters or wives
0:04:11 > 0:04:14# You've got to have a relationship with your mum and dad
0:04:14 > 0:04:16# I don't have one, that's bad because my dad left us
0:04:16 > 0:04:18# When I was a wee kid
0:04:19 > 0:04:22# It's not good when a girl
0:04:22 > 0:04:26# Dumps you, it makes you sad and all and you cry in your room and all
0:04:26 > 0:04:29# And you get really down
0:04:29 > 0:04:31# I love you, Tammy-Jo, check your inbox. #
0:04:34 > 0:04:39I wasn't always going to do comedy, wasn't always going to tell jokes.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40My dad is a flight sergeant,
0:04:40 > 0:04:45he wanted me to be in the Air Corps, he wanted me to be a pilot.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Now, I do think I'd be very good at debriefing privates.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53But, to this day, the only cockpit I've been in is the Kremlin.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57My mam, not so much.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Eventually when I did kind of come out, my mother never needed to know.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02In fact, she always said
0:05:02 > 0:05:05how she knew that I was going to grow up to be gay
0:05:05 > 0:05:06was that when I was younger,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09her threats never actually scared me
0:05:09 > 0:05:12because an Irish mother will threaten you with the mysterious "man".
0:05:12 > 0:05:15An Irish mother will say, "If you don't stop misbehaving,
0:05:15 > 0:05:19"the man will come and get you. The man will come and get you."
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I was taking off clothes going, "Where is this man?"
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I was 15, a white transit van pulled up and I got in.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31"I need directions." "Don't worry, I'll tell you how."
0:05:31 > 0:05:33But when we told my dad he said,
0:05:33 > 0:05:36"So you're not going to be in the Air Corps?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38And I said, "No," and me mam said, "Interior design.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42"That's what you can do, interior design."
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Which I just don't think works.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46To me, Irish people are too indecisive for interior design.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Have you ever looked at a housing estate in Ireland
0:05:49 > 0:05:51and thought the builders didn't know
0:05:51 > 0:05:54whether they wanted to pebble dash that or brick it?
0:05:54 > 0:05:55So they went, "Fuck it, do both."
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Half and half. You walk into a house, there's laminate floors
0:05:59 > 0:06:02but carpet on the stairs.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Nobody knows what they want.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I've been to places abroad where they paint a room one colour,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08they go, "Oh, this is the room that's orange,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"it's orange because we like orange, we painted it orange."
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Not in Ireland. In Ireland, we have three beige walls
0:06:15 > 0:06:17and then we have the feature fecking wall.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20"This is the wall where we were brave."
0:06:22 > 0:06:27"This is my ma's favourite wall and the wall your father hates."
0:06:27 > 0:06:29"Don't you love that wall?"
0:06:29 > 0:06:32And it's awful, it's why when we had wallpaper,
0:06:32 > 0:06:33we had to invent the dado rail.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Because we couldn't decide which wallpaper we wanted,
0:06:37 > 0:06:38so we were like,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"Well, we'll have stripes on the bottom and stars on the top."
0:06:41 > 0:06:44In fact, if you were in somebody's house who was really indecisive,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46they will have a border.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51The border which was just another wallpaper.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56Running in between two wallpapers going, "How are you getting on?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58"I'm a very jazzy pattern.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00"I wouldn't look good on the whole wall
0:07:00 > 0:07:02"but I look good here in the middle, don't I?"
0:07:15 > 0:07:16A pound.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I lost a pound!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21It might not sound like much but, basically,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24that's like a block of butter.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I mean, I'm delighted.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Feel skinnier, you know? A bit sexier.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35But don't get me started about butter.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Skinny Sharon at Flab Busters just went on and on
0:07:41 > 0:07:44about the perils of butter in class.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Butter on toast. Butter icing. Frying with butter.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I've never wanted butter more in my buttery wee life.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I'm in a large lardy labyrinth and I can't get out,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57all I can see is butter.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Oh, Jesus.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Hey.- Listen, I'm just going to come out and say it.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37I just feel like we're moving in different directions at the minute.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Erm...
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Look, I get this is difficult for you. It's difficult for me as well.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Maybe less so for me
0:08:43 > 0:08:47cos I'm very strong and I'll be able to move on quicker, but still.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I-I don't know what to say.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50What, because you're so emosh?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53No, because I don't know what you're talking about, I...
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I don't know why you called me here today.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00We just kissed at a Full Moon Party in Thailand
0:09:00 > 0:09:02and that was six years ago, I mean...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04It's not as if we're in a relationship.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Listen, I get this is difficult,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I just feel like I've got to focus on me
0:09:08 > 0:09:10at the minute, you know?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Yeah, that's totally fine. Great.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16I absolutely hate to see you like this. Erm...
0:09:16 > 0:09:17- Megan.- Megan.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Yeah, so you don't even know what my name is.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I don't do names.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23I do connections.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- Do you know what I mean?- Not really.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Maybe I'm making a mistake here.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33You're right, maybe we should give it another go.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36What? No.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- I have a fiance.- What? How could you?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'd better go, this here has been...
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- strange. - Well, I've got to go as well.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I've got to go back to the corner where I first saw you.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51I'm going to camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not going to move.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I am quite literally the man who can't be moved.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Yeah, and that's just lyrics from a Script song.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Is it? I don't know.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Maybe it is and I should also point out
0:10:00 > 0:10:03I would genuinely never sleep on a street - ridiculous.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I guess what I'm trying to say, it's more of a metaphor,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know,
0:10:07 > 0:10:10if your fiance ever leaves you for like a 9/10 or a 10/10
0:10:10 > 0:10:12and the bird I'm going out with at the time isn't as hot,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14maybe we should reconnect.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Bye, Mike.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Goodbye, Ice Queen.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37HE STRUMS COUNTRY CHORDS
0:10:42 > 0:10:46I could probably play that for you at your wedding day if you wanted.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Not until Jesus makes it legal.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Terrible shame that.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Just because you're a country musician,
0:10:53 > 0:10:56doesn't mean your influences have to be country musicians.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59One of my biggest influences is Sir Daniel O'Donnell.
0:10:59 > 0:11:03He's a very shrewd man. I'll tell you what he does.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06He sells music to people who are too stupid
0:11:06 > 0:11:09and old to know how to illegally download it for free.
0:11:09 > 0:11:13- Them oldos are paying 14.99 for a cassette.- Horrible.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15That's 1991 prices, unbelievable.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Who's your influences?- Savage Jordan. - Aye, they're good.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Mad Boy, could you come here please? - What is it?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I've been working on this new type of sound,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24it's like a fusion country music
0:11:24 > 0:11:26with a bit of sort of, like, what do you call it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Like dubstep. See what you think. Lend me your ears. Ready?
0:11:29 > 0:11:31GUITAR STRUMMING WITH DUBSTEP BEAT
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Drink it in. Let it wash over you.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34No, don't like it.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39- I automatically don't like it. - Give it a minute. Let it come in.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- No, I don't like it. - Give it two...- Turn it off.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I suppose the next step in our career would be going onto
0:11:46 > 0:11:49the X Factor or Britain's Got Talent.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Then you'd probably have to play guitar on a tightrope
0:11:51 > 0:11:52or swallow something.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55You'd probably have to get the dog to play the guitar. You know?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58And then the dog dies and then where does your career go after that?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Well, that's it, you can go on X Factor and do a sob story.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05- Hello, Simon, this is Chuck McGinley. - I'm the Mad Boy.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07We're here to do an X Factor audition tape.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Just before we move on, though,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I'd just like to do a sob story, because then
0:12:11 > 0:12:15that will make the performance more, you know, powerful, stuff like that.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17The Mad Boy here, he's recently lost...
0:12:17 > 0:12:21My aunt, yeah, she died. 1994, fell down the stairs.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24A long time ago but, still, his heart's broke.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Just like her neck.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27In addition to that sob story,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I also had to put a dog down recently.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Very traumatising, wasn't my dog but I lost sleep over that.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36A-one and a-two and a-one, two, three, four.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41- One more sob story. I once lost £20 in a car park at Tesco's.- Horrible.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42That's my last sob story.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44And a-one and a-two and a-one, two, three, four.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Yes, it's a curry.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"Hi, Sammie, I'm on deliveries next week,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56"finally I get to meet you. Love, Nas."
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Oh, my God.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Oh, my God, he's coming here to eyeball me.
0:13:04 > 0:13:09Right, right, I'm sure I could shift half a stone by next week.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Ah!
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Here, I wonder if I could get a sari in St George's Market.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Diet starts tomorrow.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Topic.- Northern Ireland.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27# Northern Ireland some people say NI
0:13:27 > 0:13:30# Boom, boom, eye for an eye
0:13:30 > 0:13:35# Northern Ireland's a country in...Europe?
0:13:35 > 0:13:40# This is the country that built the Titanic, the world's biggest ship
0:13:40 > 0:13:42# Crisps... #
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I'm struggling, like, I'm struggling with this one.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47# We are the best cos we've got...
0:13:48 > 0:13:50# George... George Best. #
0:13:52 > 0:13:53He's dead.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Aye.