0:00:02 > 0:00:04"I know there have been brief moments of happiness,
0:00:04 > 0:00:08"but they've been overshadowed by my feelings of despair.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11"My career is finished.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15"I can see no way out but to end it all.
0:00:16 > 0:00:22"By the time you read this, my darling wife, my lovely daughter,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24"I will be gone forever.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27"Goodbye."
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Said Colin. And then he shoots himself.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- What do you think? Any good? - It's quite a gloomy start for a novel.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Maybe you're right. Maybe he doesn't kill himself right at the beginning.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38You might get more mileage out of him if he doesn't.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I'm not sure about the name Colin either.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain... #
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Can you tell them I'll get back to them?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Darren, Dean, Dexter. Dexter.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13It's just not the sort of thing I'd normally do.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Let me think about it, can I?
0:01:15 > 0:01:17All right, Izzy.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Bye.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Hm. Bit late.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Problem? - It's a bit of a funny one.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29The Sunday Times want to do one of those "at home with" articles.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- What, about us?- Well, they didn't actually mention...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Er...yeah, I suppose it would be.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Well, what did you say? - I said I'll think about it.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- Don't think about it. Say we'll do it.- It'll be the usual thing.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Woman runs a successful business. Yippee, let's look in her kitchen.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- It might all be a bit cheesy. - It won't. It's the Sunday Times.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48It's not like they've asked you to do a spread for Nuts magazine.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51We're precisely the kind of couple that they want.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54We're arty, successful, make our own bread.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Since when?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56We would if that bloody machine had worked.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Or if you put yeast in. - Come on, think about the publicity.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02For you and the agency.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07And if the fact that I'm writing a book comes up, then that won't do any harm.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Mm. "Come in, do sit down. This is my husband's novel."
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- I'll have written loads of it by then.- You don't even know what it's about yet.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16It's coming along.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18What do you think of Drayton as a name?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I think he'd have shot himself sooner.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Apart from anything, we do actually have quite a nice kitchen,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31so if he did want to take some photos of me and you, then what harm...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Rick, look, I just need to sleep on it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Yeah, sure. Sure, good idea.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45BIRDSONG OUTSIDE
0:02:51 > 0:02:53CLUNK
0:02:53 > 0:02:56SIGHS
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- So, have you decided? - What?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02About the article. Yes or no?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05SIGHS
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- The Sunday Times? - Yeah, in the magazine section.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Congratulations.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I didn't really want to do it, but Mel was keen, so in the end I agreed.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- That's nice of you. - In a way,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17it's probably not a bad time for me to put myself back in the public eye.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Any year now would be handy.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22So, Rick, do you have any gigs coming up?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I haven't got time for gigs. I'm working on something else.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- So, what is it? - It's...
0:03:26 > 0:03:30It's something quite big that doesn't actually involve you, so...
0:03:32 > 0:03:35So is, er...is that it there?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40All right, you might as well know I'm writing a novel.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43OK. You got a publisher?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Not yet, no.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- So what's it about? - It's an idea that came to me.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- What is it? - It's...it's complex.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53You'll just have to wait until it comes out.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- And get someone to read it to you. - Well, I'll let you get back to it.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Thanks for the instant coffee. Disgusting as usual.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Pleasure.- Oh - I've got this book I'm gonna lend you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04The guy's name's Isaac Menzen. It's all about plot, structure, characterisation.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06You know what? I'm...I'm fine.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09You can't really learn that stuff. You've either got it in you or you haven't.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Eduardo.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Ed...
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Eduardo. Eduardo...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20tilted his hat
0:04:20 > 0:04:22towards the rain.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25He felt the...
0:04:26 > 0:04:29..cold steel...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31of the...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33knife...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36against...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38No, gun. The gun.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40He was...
0:04:42 > 0:04:44SIGHS
0:04:52 > 0:04:55What are my guilty pleasures?
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Malt whisky.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01Um...I play a lot of...I play a lot of poker. Too much poker.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Strictly off the record. Don't quote me on that.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07I do most of the cooking. I, um...
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Yeah. Mel...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- SIGHS - ..prefers not to cook.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Er...Moroccan mostly. Yeah, that's my...my big thing.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18I'm thinking of putting that into a...a character in my novel.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22What? Yeah, yeah. No, I'm writing a novel at the moment. What's it about?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Er...it's about, er...
0:05:25 > 0:05:29this guy called Eduardo and, um...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32..yeah, he...he's a sleuth.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35He's a...a kind of...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37He's a...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40He's a kind of a...
0:05:40 > 0:05:41He's a...
0:05:41 > 0:05:44CHUCKLING
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- TUTS - Sam.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Yeah, Sam, can you keep the noise down? I'm trying to write.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55- What? - I'm trying to write!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Oh, sorry. VOLUME OFF
0:05:57 > 0:06:01- Er...I thought Marty had gone. - Yeah, he has. I'm writing on my own.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03My novel.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- Is that like a book? - Yeah, Ben, like a book, only better.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08So, that'll be, like, in bookshops?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10That's generally where they sell books, so yeah.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- They sell them in Sainsbury's. Tesco's.- Yeah.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Oh, I think they have them in Asda. - Morrisons as well.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Lidl. - Yeah, all right, I get the...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- They sell books in Lidl? - Don't know, really.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24We're boycotting it because of the way they treated Spikey.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Really?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Yeah, they got a bit mad because he wrote off one of their forklifts.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32- Oh, I didn't know he worked there, so...- Er...he doesn't. He just borrowed it.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33He just borrowed it? And they didn't like that?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- No.- The security guard was yelling at him,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38going like, "Get off, it's dangerous."
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Over-reacting. - Exactly.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- SNIFFS - Has someone been smoking something in here?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Um...
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Oh, yeah, I think that might have been me.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Look, if you must do that, do you mind doing it in the garden?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Yeah, that's fair enough.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Yeah, sorry, Dad, it's just because we were watching television, so...
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Life is full of hard choices like that. If you could...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Yeah, no problem, no problem. - Good luck with the novel.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Oh, thanks, yeah. I'll... I'll let you know when it's on sale in Iceland.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Yeah, I don't think they sell books in Iceland.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Yeah.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Anyway, you're early today. What's the matter? Wet the bed again?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24CHUCKLES One of Marty's. Where is he? Off doing his own thing?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26No, no, it's more the other way around, really.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Anyway, no, I just wanted to get out of the house. A bit hectic at the moment.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Oh, yeah? What's up? - Oh, it's...it's a bit of a funny one.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36The Sunday Times are doing this piece about me and my lifestyle.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41Oh, how awful. So, anything else on work-wise apart from the interview thing?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Yeah, yeah. No, I've got loads on, actually.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I'm, er...I'm writing a novel.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Oh, really? So, you've got a publisher and everything?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52No, no. No, it's not the way they do it these days.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55It's better to write it first then send it in, start a bidding war.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Oh, I had no idea that's how it works.- Mm-hm.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Only, I've been working on a novel. Well, I say "working".
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I can't seem to settle on an idea. I've got so many of them.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Oh, tell me about it. - Ha.
0:08:07 > 0:08:13So, er...these...these ideas you've been having for your novel,
0:08:13 > 0:08:14what...what sort of things?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Oh, all sorts of things, probably no good.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- You don't want to hear those. - Yeah, I do.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Well, there is one that I keep coming back to, but, er...
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- No, go on. - Well, what it is...
0:08:24 > 0:08:28There's this bloke and he's got psychic powers.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Psychic?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Mm, and he has a vision that his entire town's going to be destroyed.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- Oh, yeah, I see, and he... - He tries to persuade everyone to leave.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Right, and...and then they...
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- They go off on a journey. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought so.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah. Dah-dah-dah. So, er...what happens in the end?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Oh, that's where I'm stuck.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50Can I interest you in the tagine?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- What? - Today's special, the tagine.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- What's... - It's Moroccan.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh, no, I'll have a baked potato.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01One baked potato.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16RAPID FOOTSTEPS
0:09:18 > 0:09:19- Hi, Magda. - Hello.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21So, er, about tomorrow.
0:09:21 > 0:09:26- Yes, I know. Mel has interview. - Yeah, well, it's both of us, actually.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30So, I will do special tidy so house is nice for newspaper person.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Yeah. So, what time will you be leaving?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I don't know. I could stay if you want.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Ah, no, that won't be necessary so if you can make sure you,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- you know, by one o'clock. - Yes.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43It'll only cause confusion, won't it? You know, "Who's she?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- "Where's she from?" - They will ask this?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48No, cos you won't be here, cos you're gonna leave at one o'clock, aren't you?
0:09:48 > 0:09:53- I found these. You know whose they are? - Ah, yeah, they're mine, I'm afraid.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55I have to wear them these days for writing the novel.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- They don't do anything. - They do, actually.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- They're quite strong. That's why I... - No, look. It's same.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03That's not really the point. It's when you wear them it makes the difference.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04- You do not need these. - With respect, Magda,
0:10:04 > 0:10:08you're not a qualified optician, are you? Or chemist.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10You going to wear these for interview?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Don't know. Might do. Hadn't really thought about it.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Now, if you don't mind, I've got some things to get on with.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21MUSIC: Slight Figure Of Speech by the Avett Brothers
0:10:23 > 0:10:26# They say you've got to lose a couple of fights to win
0:10:26 > 0:10:29# It's hard to tell from where I'm sitting
0:10:29 > 0:10:31# They say that this is where the fun begins
0:10:31 > 0:10:35# I guess it's time that I was quitting
0:10:38 > 0:10:40# A slight figure of speech
0:10:40 > 0:10:43# I cut my chest wide open
0:10:43 > 0:10:46# They come and watch us bleed
0:10:46 > 0:10:51# Is it art like I was hoping now?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54# They said "I hope that you will never change"
0:10:54 > 0:10:57# I went and cut my hair
0:10:57 > 0:11:01# They said, "Don't take your business to the big time"
0:11:01 > 0:11:03# I bought us tickets there
0:11:07 > 0:11:09# A slight figure of speech
0:11:09 > 0:11:11# I cut my chest wide open
0:11:11 > 0:11:14# They come and watch us bleed
0:11:15 > 0:11:20# Is it art like I was hoping now? #
0:11:37 > 0:11:39KEYS JINGLE
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Good day? - Yes. Why?
0:11:45 > 0:11:46Oh, nothing, just asking.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- Something wrong?- Just wondering what sort of day you had.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52- It was all right. - Good.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Why are you being like this? - Like what?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Oh, that's what I was gonna say. Before you go into the kitchen...
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Go on. What have you done?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03You're making out it's a bad thing before you even know what it is.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Oh, no.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Oh, well done. You've bought a pig.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19No, I...I haven't brought it. I'm borrowing it for a couple of days.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Oh, that's all right, then. - PIG GRUNTS
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I just thought when we do this interview, it would look good if we had a pet.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27A pet pig.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I honestly think it's the sort of thing a couple like us would have.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Well, it's not, because if it was, then we'd have one.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35It's quirky. It makes us look interesting.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37No, it makes us look like we've got a pig in our house.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39They're very clean animals and incredibly intelligent.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Good. Well, then, no doubt he'll understand why he's got to go.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46It's just set dressing, you know, jazzing it up a bit.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Instead of any old celebrity couple, we'll be the cool couple with a pet pig.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52We're not a celebrity couple, and it's not cool to have a pet pig.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- I'll say it's mine.- Fine, if you want to look like an idiot.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Rick.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- It's naff. - You think so?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Yeah, you might as well have one of those gold bathrooms
0:13:04 > 0:13:05with a heart-shaped Jacuzzi.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10- Well, you haven't been upstairs yet. - Ha-ha-ha(!) Get rid of it.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12PIG GRUNTS
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Shame, really. He's...he's settled in quite nicely.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27He slept well, in the end.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- I'm glad someone did.- I mean, all of this is not his fault.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34If he sees food, he's bound to want to eat it. It's no worse than having Ben to stay.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38OK, I'll be back by one and...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Yeah, yeah, he'll be gone. - PIG GRUNTS
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Oh, I have... - You remembered. Thanks.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Can you put them in the big glass vase? Don't worry about the ironing today.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Oh, and there's a pig in the kitchen.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Yes.
0:13:53 > 0:13:54Pig?
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Rick will explain while he's helping you with the cleaning.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Mel has said there is...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Oh, there is pig in kitchen.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Yeah, well spotted.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Why do you have this pig?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13It's a long story. Mel and I thought it would make a nice pet,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16but Mel's changed her mind, so we have to get rid of it.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- You want me to kill pig for sausage?- No. Not really.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20I'm going to take it back to the pet shop.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22If you wanted pet, why did you not get cat?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26They're hardly very interesting, are they? Besides, you'd probably kill that as well.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28In my country we used to hunt for pigs.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- Yeah, that's wild pigs. This is... - No, was not wild, was neighbour's pigs.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- You used to hunt your neighbour's pigs?- Yes, very easy.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38You wait until neighbour is sleeping
0:14:38 > 0:14:41and then you make noise like pig
0:14:41 > 0:14:45and they come to you and you can catch and, "Kkrkk!"
0:14:45 > 0:14:47and take with you.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Clever.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Anyway, I must get on with Hoover.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57SNORTS
0:15:07 > 0:15:09HE SIGHS
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Oh, hello, Rick, sorry to bother you.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Have you got a minute? - Er...not really.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Only I was hoping you might help me clear something up.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Yeah, like I said, I'm a bit busy, so maybe ask someone else.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22I would normally, but it's a bit of a puzzle, really,
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- concerning yourself. - Puzzle?
0:15:24 > 0:15:28I've just dropped in on my mother and found her in a bit of an excitable state.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30She's convinced you've got a pig in the house.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34What? A pig?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36She said she saw you getting out of your car with a pig.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- When was this? - Yesterday about, er...2.30.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Well, I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. What would I be doing with a pig?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Well, I know it sounds unlikely,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47but you do realise that if you did have a pig...
0:15:47 > 0:15:48But I don't, so...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50..then it would need to be registered with the appropriate authorities.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I'm sure it would, but I don't have a pig, so I won't need to register it, will I?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Oh, right, good. Well, sorry to have troubled you.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Yeah. Clive, it's none of my business
0:15:59 > 0:16:06but have you ever considered that maybe your mother is starting to get confused?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- How do you mean? - She's 85, Clive.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11I know how old she is.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16Well, you know, dementia, seeing things. That's how they go sometimes.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Sorry.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22No, no, no. No, I...I don't think she's, um...
0:16:22 > 0:16:27- I'll maybe have a word with her doctor. - I would. I really would.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30They can do a lot nowadays, medication-wise.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32I mean, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35I was watching this documentary the other day, and they were...
0:16:37 > 0:16:41Oh, hang on. Maybe...maybe she saw this pig.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Oh, come to think of it, that's probably what it was.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Yes. Come to think of it.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Oh, well, puzzle solved!
0:16:50 > 0:16:55And at least we know your mother hasn't gone all...you know. Yet.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12GRUNTS
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I just thought you'd be the perfect person to look after it.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20A pig? Yeah, sure. You got any cattle you want me to look after as well?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Cos there's room in my apartment, and I'm real easy about that kind of thing.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Look, he wants to meet you. Listen, he wants to talk to you. Listen to this.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Talk to Marty. - GRUNTS
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Yeah, hear that? That's your language, isn't it?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Yeah, and he's saying, "I want to stay with Rick."
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, come on, it'll only be for one day.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Oh, while you're at it, why don't you throw in a herd of zebra?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Yeah, very funny. I can tell you don't really want to help.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- Gee, I'm sorry. Is that how it sounds?- Yeah, you know what? Thanks for nothing.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- You are joking. - Not really.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49What, here in my restaurant, a live pig?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Yeah, well, it doesn't have to be in the restaurant.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- Oh. So, what, in the kitchen? - Why not?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- Why not? - I mean in the back yard.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Rick, I'd like to help, honestly,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00but I draw the line at having to pay a sizable fine.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Oh, if that's more important than our friendship.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I'm afraid it is.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09MUSIC: "I Took It Out On You" by Newton Faulkner
0:18:09 > 0:18:13# Of all the people in the world I took it out on you
0:18:17 > 0:18:22# Even after all the things you've done for me, what a thing to do
0:18:25 > 0:18:27# You won't let me down, don't let me down
0:18:27 > 0:18:30# But I let you down, it's true... #
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Do you mind if Alan just snaps away while we chat?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Oh, no problem. Yeah, feel free.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39OK, well, thank you for agreeing to do this. It's basically...
0:18:39 > 0:18:43You're welcome. Always happy to take time out from my, er...things.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47So, tell me about the house. How long have you lived here?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- We moved in about three years ago and... - RICK SIGHS
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Was it three years? God, it doesn't seem that long, does it?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Blimey, I suppose it was. Yeah, it was three years ago.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00And did you do a lot to it when you moved in?
0:19:00 > 0:19:01- All the usual things. - Usual stuff.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- We took out the swirly carpet. - Oh, yuck.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- There was that wood-chip wallpaper. - It had to go. God.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10And the kitchen was in a bit of a state.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12We basically brought the house from this old couple.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15So you can imagine, it was just...
0:19:15 > 0:19:17What?
0:19:17 > 0:19:22Well, it really stank and it just wasn't very nice, no.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Is the coffee all right?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Yes, it's fine, thank you. Did you choose the colour scheme?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31It's fair trade, the coffee. Always been big on that.
0:19:31 > 0:19:37Always been anti-poverty and pro...fairness. Yeah.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42So, I have to ask, what's it like living with someone so successful?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Yeah, it's just normal, really.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I don't...don't think of us as being...
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Because some men might find it difficult, the woman being the main breadwinner.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Well, that hasn't always been the case.- No, no, it hasn't. No, I've been...
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Your friends don't tease you for being a house-husband?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08No, cos that's not what I am. You're barking up the wrong tree there.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I'm...I'm going to get some biscuits to go with the coffee.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13CLEARS THROAT
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Where are the biscuits? The nice shortbread ones?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Er, gone. - Well, I'll have to take those.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Yeah, sure. Er...by the way. Do you know there's a pig in your shed?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Yeah, I do. Don't go mentioning it to... - Well, WAS.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32- What do you mean, "was"? - Er...he's not in there any more.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- You haven't let him out, have you? - No.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Well, might have done, to be honest. - What do you mean, "might have done"?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Well, he sort of, like, pushed past. - Then he started eating the compost heap!
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Ssh! Where is he now? - Don't know. He's probably in the house.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46In the house?! Why did you let him in the house?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- I didn't. - He just sort of followed us in.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Yeah, and then went off.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52You're gonna have to get that pig back in the shed now.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Ben, Sam, this is serious. I want that pig back in the bloody shed.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Yeah, no worries. - Ssh!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Yep, just biscuits.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Here we are. Just...just help yourself.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12I think we're all right. So, do you want to see the rest of the house now, then?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Mm, yeah, that'll be great. - Oh, I wouldn't do that, not now.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18I was just going to make some more coffee to go with the biscuits.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Um...well, I'm all right, thank you. - You'd like more coffee, Alan?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- No, thanks. - So, shall we start upstairs, then?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Well, do we have to look round the rest of the house?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29I mean, this is really the nicest room. Why don't we stay here?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- Let's start with the bedroom. - Hang on, hang on.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36She hasn't even asked me about my writing yet. We've got all that to talk about.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38I...I didn't realise you wrote.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Me? God, yeah. No, I write like a...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Yeah, I'm...I'm writing a novel now.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48OK. Um...what's it about?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Er...what's that about? That's... Ha-ha.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56That's a big question.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59That...that's the big one. Yeah, it's...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01What it is, it's...
0:22:01 > 0:22:04What it's about is,
0:22:04 > 0:22:08this bloke who has a vision that his whole town is gonna be destroyed
0:22:08 > 0:22:12and he has to persuade everybody who lives there,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15um...to follow him on a journey.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18And it just goes on from there.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Isn't that just Watership Down with people?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25HE CHUCKLES
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Nah. No, no, you don't want to worry about that. That's... that's a kids' book.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33This isn't. This isn't. This is deeper than that.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- It's got...works on lots of levels. - Right.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Alan, could you get a few more shots of Mel in here?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- And is it all right if I use your loo? - Of course.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- You want to use the loo? What, now? - Yes.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- Fair enough. I'll show you where it is. - It's, er...just in the hall.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Yeah, but still, er...
0:22:52 > 0:22:53If you want to...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It's just here.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Yeah, that's fine, if you want to...
0:23:06 > 0:23:07- GRUNTING - What was that?
0:23:07 > 0:23:12- What was what? - That. It sounded like a pig.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Oh, that. Yes.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Yes, that.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18That, um...that's Ben.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23He's our daughter's boyfriend and he's a nice boy. He's more like a son to me,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26but he makes these noises and he doesn't know he's doing it.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28It's a Tourette's thing. He sort of...
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- SNORTS - You know.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- And he doesn't realise. - Well, that must be very difficult.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Well, it is, but I've learnt to live with it.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- Has he always had it? - Yes, I think since he was born.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- Right. Goodness. - He just came out all...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- ..right from the word go. - PIG SNORTING
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I'm just coming, Ben.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49I'd better go and see if he's OK, actually, so if you wouldn't mind...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- Oh, right. - Just... Yeah.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- So, everything OK, er...generally? - Yes, thank you.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- OK. - Um...Rick.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33Ah, Jenny, this is Ben, our daughter's boyfriend, the one with the...
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Hello, Ben. How are you? - Er...I'm all right, cheers. Rick...
0:24:37 > 0:24:38- Yeah, in a minute. - It's really nice to meet you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Likewise.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Good, well, we've got quite a lot to get on with, so...
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- So, what are you up to at the moment? - Um...nothing much.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Just...just had a yogurt.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Well, good for you.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Cheers. Um... Rick, the, er...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55HE SNORTS
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Yeah, it's OK, Ben. I'm just coming. All right?
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Well, I'll, um... Nice to meet you, Ben.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Yeah, nice...nice to meet you too. Um...
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- PIG GRUNTS - Come on, come on. Out you come.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Are you sure this is gonna work? - Oh, God.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- That's all the compost he's been eating. - You could at least help, Sam.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- I'll see if he likes chocolate. - Come on, back in the shed.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Why don't we have a look at the kitchen?
0:25:22 > 0:25:26- PIG GRUNTS - Come on!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Come on!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- What's the matter with you? - PIG SQUEALS AND GRUNTS
0:25:38 > 0:25:42- I thought you were gonna start upstairs.- We're looking after a pig for a friend.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- Oh, right. - Yeah, he's a bit shy.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- Come...come on. - PIG GRUNTS
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Come on. Come on and meet Jenny. Don't be scared. Come on.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- PIG SQUEALS - Come on!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Oh, God!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- PIG GRUNTING - Oh...
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Yeah. He does that sometimes. It's a bit...
0:26:20 > 0:26:23MAGDA SIGHS AND TUTS
0:26:23 > 0:26:25I think this dirty will not come out.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- Maybe try hand-washing it. - Oh, I don't want to do this.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I've got a better idea. Take it out into the garden and burn it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- I have still got the receipt, so... - Well, good luck with that.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45So, have you heard from Jenny about the article?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Yeah, they're still gonna run it.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Oh, good.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51And photo-wise?
0:26:51 > 0:26:55No, they won't be using the one of you covered in pig shit.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56It is actually manure.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01In fact, she thought it was best just not to mention you at all.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- CLICKS TONGUE - Right. Mm.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07DOORBELL RINGS
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I'll get that.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Hey, dude. I brought the book round for you.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Oh, cheers, yeah, thanks, Marty.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Seriously, Magda, I'd just throw it away.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28And, um...
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Yeah.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I think so.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36It outlines the three golden rules that every successful novelist follows.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Yeah, I probably know them already, but, er...what are they?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- Structure, characterisation... - Yeah.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46..and, most important of all, never stick your head up a pig's ass.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Oh, come on, Rick!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55It's funny! Rick!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57SNORTS
0:28:07 > 0:28:13# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain
0:28:14 > 0:28:19# Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane
0:28:19 > 0:28:24# Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain... #
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Yeah, Michael.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30What's this? Another favour? Want me to look after a family of rats for you?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32No. You know that story idea of yours?
0:28:32 > 0:28:34- Oh, about the bloke who has the vision? - That's the one, yeah.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37- He has to save the town and... - Go on a journey.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39- I've been thinking about that. - Oh, thanks.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42- Do you think I should write it up? - No. No, I don't, Michael.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47And do you know why not? Cos your story is just Watership Down but with people.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52So it is. Huh! Thanks for pointing that out.
0:28:52 > 0:28:56Imagine if I'd pitched that to someone. I'd have looked like a right prat.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58- Anyway, how's your novel going? - Fine.