0:00:02 > 0:00:04The studio are real excited about getting you on board.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- They think you're perfect for the part.- That's fantastic.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08So here's what I'm gonna do.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11I'm gonna set up a meeting with you, Will Ferrell and Ben Affleck
0:00:11 > 0:00:15so you guys can get to know each other and then we can get on and make this movie.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- Great. Thanks, Chuck.- No, thank you.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Now I just need you to sign right here,
0:00:21 > 0:00:26and then there's the small matter of the registration fee, and we're good to go.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- HE CHUCKLES - OK.
0:00:29 > 0:00:34You can't trust anyone in Hollywood, but you can trust Wax & Shine.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Wax & Shine. Good, honest car polish.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39OK, thanks.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Is... Is that it? - Yeah, they'll let you know.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46BELL RINGS Next.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06# I wanna get high
0:01:06 > 0:01:10# But I really can't take the pain... #
0:01:11 > 0:01:15It's fantastic news.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I know.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Well, he hasn't won yet.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Anyway... Anyway, it's amazing. He will be so pleased.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Oh, OK. Yeah, bye.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27What's happened now?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Oh, it's just the comedy award nominations have been announced.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- Oh, let me guess. - Yeah, Dan's been...
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Dan's up for one, is he? What is it, Luckiest Bastard Alive?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37No, it's Best TV Personality.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I don't really think of him as having a personality.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- And Best Newcomer. - Best Newcomer?!
0:01:43 > 0:01:44He's been around for years.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46And Best Stand-up.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48HE GROANS
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- Is there any more milk? - We've run out.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Oh, I've just poured myself a whole...
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- Why can't we have a milkman any more? - We could if you apologised.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Instead of all this messing around at the newsagents.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- If you do go, we need some bin liners.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- I mean, Dan Arrow-Smith, Best Stand-up?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I know you're his agent, but come on.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08He's been nominated. He might not win.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Oh, course he will. People like that always do.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Oh, well, wish him luck from me. - Will do.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Oh, what happened about the advert, the car polish one?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I haven't heard. No doubt Dan Arrow-Smith will get it...
0:02:19 > 0:02:22PHONE RINGS ..along with a free supply of polish.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- Hello. - He can shine his awards.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27MEL: Hi. Yeah. Yes, isn't it?
0:02:27 > 0:02:33And the award for best performance in a car polish advert goes to Dan Arrow-Smith.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Oh, great.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41MARTY: You see Mel's guy got nominated?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Did he? I hadn't noticed.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Best Stand-up and Best TV Personality.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- And Best Newcomer. Unbelievable. - He must be doing something right.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Oh, come on, Marty, he's just flavour of the month. We've all been there.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55I wouldn't mind if he was any good.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Wouldn't it be funny if your hair was made of pasta?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59No, it'd be a bloody nuisance.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Imagine at the barbers. Anything on it? Yes, please, Parmesan.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04It's all so obvious. Anyone can come up with that stuff.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Well, you didn't, and you had 20 years. - Neither did you.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09You hate surreal. You've always hated surreal.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10- Not as much as I do now.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Come on, let's get on with...
0:03:12 > 0:03:15What are we supposed to be doing? You're not even getting corporate gigs any more.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- The pest control convention. - That was six weeks ago.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Five. Anyway, it's the recession, that's the problem.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23This is a global thing I'm up against. I'm just laying low
0:03:23 > 0:03:27till China kick-starts the whole thing, and then I'll be up and away.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28- It'll be like before.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Anyway, you can talk. If it wasn't for America, we wouldn't be in all this mess.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Oh, please, not that again.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Well, it's true. Handing out mortgages to all those bums.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38What the hell were you thinking of?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You've ruined everything, you have.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43MAGDA TUTS AND SIGHS
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Cereal is everywhere.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Really? Oh.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Must have been Mel. She was in a hurry this morning. I'll have a word with her.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52She is very happy her client has won these prizes.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Awards. Anyway, he hasn't won anything.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58He's just been nominated, which means he might win, that's all.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02- So perhaps you will win? - No. No, you have to be nominated.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Why have you not been...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Nominated? Well, because I'm too well established.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11I can't win Best Newcomer when I've been around for as long as I have, you know.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Oh, I understand. - Good.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Oh, God, we need milk. And can you get some bin liners?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Perhaps you could win Best TV Personality prize?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Award.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25No, I...I can't win Best Personality,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29because you have to be a newcomer to win that as well.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Best Stand-up?
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Yeah, and Best Stand-up. You need to be new for that too.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Dan Arrow-Smith...
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- Is he funny? - Oh! Oh, he's certainly popular.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- What are his jokes? - Oh, you know.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Wouldn't it be funny if your hair was made of pasta?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49You know, you get spaghetti for hair. Er...wouldn't that be funny?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- Why would man have spaghetti for hairs?
0:04:53 > 0:04:54- I have no idea. I agree it's unlikely.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57- Then why have you said this? - It's in his act.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59You think this is funny, that man have spaghetti for hairs?
0:04:59 > 0:05:02No, I don't. As it happens, I think it's a pathetic idea.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Then why have you said is funny? - No, I didn't say it's funny.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I said he said it's funny, OK?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11This is not funny.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Well, I only wish you were on the judging panel.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17RICK: You might as well pick random words out a hat.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19MARTY: Good you didn't let it get to you.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21RICK: It's so easy. You can say anything.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Ooh, wouldn't it be funny if your fingers were made of marzipan?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Hooray, have an award, you're a genius.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- Can we change the subject, please? - Yeah, let's talk about lampposts.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Aren't lampposts a bit like giant toothbrushes?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Playing basketball with a team of gingerbread bishops,
0:05:36 > 0:05:40trapped in a lava lamp made of shark's tears and terrapin bollocks.
0:05:40 > 0:05:45- Michael. - Marty. So...
0:05:45 > 0:05:46congratulations.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48- What? - Mel's client getting three nominations.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- You must be over the moon. - Oh, yeah, we're all delighted.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I bet. Good for Mel. Finally, she's got a real star on her hands.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55MARTY: You like him, Michael?
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Oh, who doesn't? He's so zany! Some of the things he comes up with...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Wouldn't it be great if your hair was made of pasta?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03It's like he's in the room.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Like anything on that? Yes, please, bolognese sauce.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Actually, it's Parmesan on his hair.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Oh, yes, Parmesan, that's it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- I can see you're a fan. - Not exactly.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It's so clever how he just comes up with an idea like that, isn't it?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16More juvenile, really.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Mind you, you come up with some brilliant material as well, don't you, Marty?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23PHONE RINGS - I'd better take that. Excuse me.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Hi, Steve. Yeah, are we on for this afternoon?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28He never stops, does he?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I'm surprised he's not up for an award or two himself.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Yes, I love all that surreal stuff,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36the way he just makes things up on the spot.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Yeah, I was thinking...
0:06:40 > 0:06:43wouldn't it be funny if you had marzipan fingers? Can you imagine?
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Sorry?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Imagine trying to run a place like this
0:06:46 > 0:06:50with marzipan fingers. Sorry, I can't seem to...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52I woke up this morning and my fingers
0:06:52 > 0:06:56had turned to marzipan. I don't know why. Sorry.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Very awkward business. But, anyway, there you are. Marzipan fingers.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- I've got fingers made of marzipan. - I'll get you a coffee. - Yeah.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Is there still no milk?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, I don't know. I just grabbed this.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- Oh. So how's the job-hunting going? - Oh, no, no luck.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23I gave it a go last Tuesday. - Did you?
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- To be honest, I just don't think there's much around at the moment. - No, no.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- It's the recession, Dad. - I don't know how long you can blame the recession.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Yeah, still, probably just gonna wait for the festival season
0:07:33 > 0:07:35to come around, see what happens.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Oh, yeah, yeah, maybe get a job as a steward or...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- No, I'll just go to them, basically. - Yeah, just chill.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Yeah, but they do have work there.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- You could get a job. - Yeah, Spikey tried that last year.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Oh, God. Did he? - He was trying to watch the bands.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- They were like, "Pick up that litter." - "Go and help out in the car park."
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Yeah, and Spikey was like, "Um...hello? Dizzee's on."
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Yeah, exactly. Don't want to miss Dizzee!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- And then they sacked him. - Did they? Oh.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01So he just stayed and watched the bands.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Yeah, didn't even pay him. - Outrageous.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06HE SIGHS Oh, well,
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- good luck with the job-hunting and... - Cheers.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10PHONE RINGS - Oh.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Hello?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Who? Oh, Alan, hi.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Sorry, it's...it's my agent. - Oh.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Britain's what?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23HE MOUTHS
0:08:26 > 0:08:27HE MOUTHS
0:08:27 > 0:08:29MEL: Yeah, no, it's not a problem.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32You know that... You know that advert I went up for?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Yeah, yeah, definitely. - (WHISPERS) For car polish.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Oh, right. Yeah, I'll do that, OK.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- For Wax & Shine. You remember the...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- I'll get onto that first thing. OK, bye.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44You know that Wax & Shine car polish ad that I went up for?
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- You got it? - No, but they showed my audition tape to someone...
0:08:48 > 0:08:49PHONE RINGS - Oh, I'm sorry.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Um...hi, Izzy. I'll call you back. - They showed my audition tape to someone.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56PHONE RINGS - Sorry, I'll turn it off.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02They showed my audition tape to someone and they want me as a presenter.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Wow! - Said I've got the perfect face for it.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- What is it? What's the show? - You know the Bargain Channel?
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- Britain's premier shopping channel! - Oh, it's a shopping channel.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16You know Daryl and Donna. They present the four-hour Lucky Dip slot. - Right.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Daryl's going on holiday somewhere. They want me to fill in.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- What? Well, that's brilliant. - Mm.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- So it's a double celebration, then. - Yeah. Hm?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Dan's nominations. - Oh, yeah.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29This is my own show, basically. I can do whatever I want.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Obviously I've got to sell mops and things, although it isn't just mops
0:09:32 > 0:09:35cos it is Lucky Dip, but this could be a whole new career for me.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- So when do you start? - Next Monday. - That soon?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- They don't hang about! They're Britain's premier shopping channel.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44So I've heard. Well, you deserve another drink. Same again?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Thanks.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Welcome to the Bargain Channel.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Hello. Hello. Hello.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Hello and welcome to the Bargain Channel.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08DONNA: £12.99. You know what, Rick?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10That is such good value for what you're getting.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14It certainly is, and the really interesting thing about this, Donna,
0:10:14 > 0:10:15is this isn't any old duster.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20It's made of a special anti-static fabric, so the dust particles don't become charged
0:10:20 > 0:10:23and then attract back onto the surface that you just dusted.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I love that! You know it was actually developed by NASA?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28It was indeed developed by NASA.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30You know when they say it's not rocket science?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- Well, this actually is.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33SHE CHUCKLES Quite.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36And remember none of these items are available in the shops.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Just £12.99 and this special anti-static duster is yours
0:10:39 > 0:10:42plus the Hygeynie keyboard wipes and...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44- Rick. - Wait, it's a good bit.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Please, God, make it stop. MUTES TELEVISION
0:10:47 > 0:10:51You know what's interesting? My first-day sales were 4% up on Daryl's.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Do not try to defend this. - Marty, I'm good at this. Get over it.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57That's like saying you're good at arson or embroidery.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59It's not something to be proud of.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00- What you're missing...
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- What I'm missing is something to write.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05What do you want? Funny prices? £15.95. Is that a funny price?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08No, what I was gonna say is this could lead to bigger things.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12That's what you said when you went for the car wax commercial. Well, you know what?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15This is the bigger thing that it led to. This is the bigger thing.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17The thing you are now doing is it.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20You're wrong. I'm on the fast track now. This is gonna lead to all sorts.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Magic scissors, lint rollers, reusable freezer bags.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I know. It's an exciting time for us all.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31You just don't get it, do you? Huh. Yeah, look, got you some of these.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Hygeynie keyboard wipes. They're really good.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Should we ever need to use the keyboard again, I'll wipe it down with one of these. Thank you.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- They're not just for keyboards. You can use them for telephones, remote controls...
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- No Marty today, then? - Er...no, I haven't seen him today.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55He's ill. - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Nothing serious, I hope?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Oh, we'll see. Can I have the chilli con carne, please?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Chilli con carne. So what are you up to, then, work-wise?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Quite exciting, I've just started this new television project.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- Oh, well done. - It's pretty major. I was head-hunted.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11That's a relief, cos yesterday I had the television on and there you were on the Bargain Channel...
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It's Britain's premier shopping channel.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14...some sort of furry coat hanger.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- They're thermally heated. - I thought, "Poor Rick. Things must be desperate."
0:12:18 > 0:12:19- I'm just filling in...
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- What's this new TV project, then? - What? - The exciting one.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Oh, that's something else I can't go into because...
0:12:27 > 0:12:31for reasons that...that are there.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Can I have the chilli con carne? - I tell you what, Rick,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37we can do better than that. You order the chilli con carne, I'll throw in some free nachos.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40See, I sold you that. Maybe I should be on the Bargain Channel.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Er...well...well, no, you shouldn't, because...
0:12:44 > 0:12:49I had already ordered the chilli con carne so you didn't actually sell me anything.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51So...no.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Sorry.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59So when do you think Marty will be back?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Call us now. 08081 570 570.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08And remember, the first 20 callers will receive a free set
0:13:08 > 0:13:11of these replacement scourer pads.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15That number again, 08081 570 570.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16And, speaking of gifts, Donna,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20that brings me very neatly on to our next item, which really is rather special.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24It's this top-of-the-range indoor plant sprayer.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- All right, Dad? - Hi. Hi, hi.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- This you, then? - Yeah, that's just...just me, yeah.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- On the Bargain Channel. - Britain's premier shopping channel.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36It's quite a cult with the students.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39No, it's Price Drop. That's the one everyone's into these days.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Yeah, remember we phoned up and got Spikey a lawn mower.
0:13:42 > 0:13:4420 quid, so we thought, you know, got to be done.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48A lawn mower? I thought Spikey lived in a high-rise flat.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Yeah, 14th floor. Should have seen the look on his face.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Yeah, he was like, "What do I want this for?"
0:13:53 > 0:13:56He thought in the end, you know, "I know, I'll use it as a Hoover."
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- Oh, good idea. - They're so noisy indoors.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01What, a mower? That's why they usually...
0:14:01 > 0:14:03It worked, though. It sucked everything up.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05You know, fag packets, biscuits, the lot.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Only then he went over a can of Red Bull
0:14:08 > 0:14:10and, you know, mangled the blades, tore up his carpet.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Oh, well, that's bad luck.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- So that was the end of the lawn mower? - Yeah.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18He couldn't be bothered taking it down the lift so he dangled it out the window on the flex.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Yeah, he tied the plug to his radiator and left it hanging there.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Course, that's what I would have done.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27The council came round, took it down, said if it landed on someone from that height, could killed them.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- It's health and safety gone mad. - Exactly.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- Hello. What's this? - Oh, just an ornament thing, windmill.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Turn it up. - RICK ON TV: Absolutely.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39That's not all, look. There's a little key in the back. If I wind it up...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42PLAYS TWINKLING TUNE - ...it plays a tune.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Sold loads of these. - Yeah?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Very popular.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50If you want one of these gorgeous, magical windmills,
0:14:50 > 0:14:51I suggest you call us right now.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Seriously, don't put it off.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57- So, is this live, then? - No, it's...
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- DONNA: 08081 570 570. - How can it be live if I'm sitting here?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05No. Well, yeah, that's a...that's a fair point. That's what I thought.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Only she just said you've got to call now.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11It's a recording. I recorded it, hm?
0:15:12 > 0:15:16So I could watch it. That's why I'm watching it now.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19So I can see what it's like.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Yeah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24'...little stable door and there's a bucket by the door, which is, er...'
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Oh, hello. - Hello.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Everything all right? - I have seen you on Bargain Channel.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56Have you? Oh, good.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- With Donna. - That's right.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- Because Daryl is in holiday. - Yeah, on holiday.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I like to watch Bargain Channel with my sister Agatha.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Do you? Good for you.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09And...and my mother, she likes Bargain Channel.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Your mother? Do they have Bargain Channel in...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Oh, no, they don't, but Agatha is sending videos.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Oh, she videos it, does she? - Yes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21My mother likes to watch because they do not have nice shops to look at.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- No, I don't think they do, do they? - Also my aunt Gavrilka.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- She likes to watch. - Gavrilka?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29She has one leg short, so she must wear special shoe.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Really? - My mother will be so happy
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I am working for man who does Bargain Channel.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Good, good. So your aunt with the funny...
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- How did she...? - Oh, um...she was...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- Um...er... - Oh, it was a car accident?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Tractor. - Tractor.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- Mm, I like you in this show. - Oh, thanks, Magda.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- You're very good, I think. - It's just something I've been able...
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Cos you're not funny.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Anyway, I'd better not be late. - Oh, you can get duster?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- What? - Duster from space.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Oh, the NASA duster. Yeah, yeah, they're not really from...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I'll see what I can do.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- Rick? - What are you doing here?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- I'm here cos we need to talk. - Well, I'm on in a minute.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- I've taken on another writing job. - Oh. Don't tell me, Dan Arrow-Smith.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18No, he writes all his own stuff.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- Oh, so you made enquiries. - It's a producer friend of mine, Steve Broaden.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- So that's what all these secret phone calls have been about.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Hello, Steve. Three bags full, Steve.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29You don't need a writer, not on the Bargain Channel.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31You're wrong. I put quite a few jokes in.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- No, you don't. - If you'd watch the show...
0:17:33 > 0:17:34I did. I watched it yesterday.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- Oh, dear. - You're just selling stuff.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It's like a shop window, and you're the dummy.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Yeah, the point is, now I've got my foot in the door,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'm gonna start putting funny stuff in.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Sure you are. - Yes. That's what I was planning to do today.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Come into the studio. Watch me.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- I'll show you. - No, I've got stuff I gotta do.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52- Come in and watch! - No.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Just half an hour. - No, really.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Come on, it'll be fun.
0:17:56 > 0:17:5908081 570 570.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02And I would call now, if I were you, cos these are selling like hot cakes.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04They're very attractive as well.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07They are, and the great thing about the colour white is that it doesn't clash with anything.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11As I say, more importantly, these mattress covers are completely waterproof.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Now take a look at this.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17This is tea, obviously.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Just do that.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23And lift up the sheet. There's your mattress cover, there.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Underneath, there's your mattress completely dry.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Look at that!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32That is a miracle. Not one, but two mattress covers in each set.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37You won't get cheaper than that elsewhere, I guarantee, not this quality.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41That's 08081 570 570. Call us now.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42I might get one of these for my bed.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Oh, why don't you, Rick?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Might be handy when I've been on a session.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER - They know what I'm talking about.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51You wake up in the middle of the night...
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- They come in king-size... - ..ten pints...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- ..standard double... - ..room spinning.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Polyester-cotton mix. - Will I make it? Bleurgh!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:19:02 > 0:19:06There's also a pillow set I'd love to tell you about.
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Just thought I'd throw in some jokes.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Don't. People don't want to hear about you pissing the bed and throwing up.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I didn't say anything about pissing the bed.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18And then the umbrella section. Why mention people eating dogs?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Well, because they're made in Korea.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21- I know. - All I said was,
0:19:21 > 0:19:25"If it's raining cats and dogs, that should make a handy snack for them."
0:19:25 > 0:19:26That's not racist.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- I don't give a toss if it was racist. - Well, it isn't.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32I care about our Korean suppliers getting the hump cos they think you're insulting them.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35It's just that my umbrella wouldn't open so I had to improvise.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Anyway, they do eat dogs.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Rick, you're good at this job.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42You've been doing great up till now. Just cut the jokes.
0:19:42 > 0:19:48Well, to be fair, you book a comedian, you've got to expect some jokes.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I'll be honest with you. When we booked you, we had no idea you were a comedian.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- Yeah, right! - No, seriously.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55It's not like you're Dan Arrow-Smith or someone.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58All his stuff's written for him, you know that?
0:19:58 > 0:20:04Look, Rick, I'm not being funny, but we liked you because you look...anonymous.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Mr Nobody from next door.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Someone who's not gonna upstage the waterproof mattress covers.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- That is how I'm playing it. - Point is you're not a threat to anyone.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16No-one's gonna sit there saying, "Oh, I wish I was him."
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I don't know about that.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20That's how it works at the Bargain Channel.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23The female presenter's the attractive, sexy one,
0:20:23 > 0:20:28and the bloke's a sort of...trustworthy twat, yeah?
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Thank you.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Because I'm a trustworthy person.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34That's what he said.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I have the right looks. He said I'm doing really well.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- You are. I saw a bit at work. - Oh, yeah? Which bit?
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Um...you were selling this bag thingy and you attach a vacuum.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46The Sentinel Storage And Packing Solution. Really good.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50If you order this week, you get an additional winter-wear storage bag free.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I... I don't want one. I'm just saying I thought you seemed on good form.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57I am, I am. I found something I'm good at. You know, something else.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59It's a shame Daryl's having to come back from holiday.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- There'll be other opportunities. - Not as good as this.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It's a really popular show. Magda loves it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Her sister videos it, sends it to their mother.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09RICK CHUCKLES - Well, there you go.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- Mm. This is really nice wine. - Oh, yeah.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Dan sent me a case just as a sort of thank you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19You know Magda's aunt's got one leg much shorter than the other?
0:21:19 > 0:21:23She has to go around wearing one of those massive shoes.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26# ARCADE FIRE: Modern Man
0:21:26 > 0:21:31# So I wait my turn, I'm a modern man
0:21:31 > 0:21:35# And people behind me They can't understand
0:21:35 > 0:21:37# Makes me feel like
0:21:39 > 0:21:41# Makes me feel like
0:21:43 > 0:21:47# So I wait in line, I'm a modern man
0:21:47 > 0:21:52# And the people behind me They can't understand
0:21:52 > 0:21:56# Makes me feel like
0:21:56 > 0:21:58# Something don't feel right
0:22:09 > 0:22:13# Like a record that's skipping I'm a modern man... #
0:22:13 > 0:22:14DONNA: Well, that is it for today.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Please do join us again tomorrow, same time, same place.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Yep, see you then.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Bye.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Rick, can I have a word?
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Yeah.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Mel. Mel. Wake up.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Wake up.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Where have you been? - I've been in talks.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Talks?
0:22:42 > 0:22:46- I couldn't say anything on the phone. It's all kicked off at the Bargain Channel.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Sorry, what are you on about?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Daryl's dead. - Dead?!
0:22:51 > 0:22:52- Yes. - That's terrible.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I know. Poor bloke, it's awful.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Anyway, they've asked me to stay on to do Lucky Dip full time.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Right. - I said I would.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- That's good of you. - That's what Daryl would have wanted.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Apart from wanting not to be dead, of course.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Poor bloke. It's very upsetting, and Magda's gonna be devastated.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I'll have to break it to her tomorrow.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14So how did he die?
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Well, it's bizarre. He was on holiday in Las Vegas, in one of these casino places.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Apparently they keep bringing free food round so you keep gambling,
0:23:21 > 0:23:22and what happened is...
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Oh, Magda.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- This is good. - Is it? Good.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33That's probably enough anyway.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Magda, er...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Yes?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Yes, it's about Daryl.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48- From Bargain Channel? - Daryl from the Bargain Channel, yes.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49What is?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I'm afraid he's died.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- No. - Yes. Yes, Daryl has died.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- But Daryl is in holiday. - Yeah, on holiday.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Yeah, you can die on holiday, and, um...that's what he did.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Oh.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- My mother. - She'll be very upset. Yes, I know.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- And my sister. - Mm-hm, and your aunt with the...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- Gavrilka. - Yeah.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21But how has he died?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I'm afraid he choked on a canape.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- No! - Sadly, yes, yes.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- This is dreadful. - Isn't it?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- This is terrible news. - I know.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- It's tragedy. - Mm.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35What is canape?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Well, it's like a snack you have with drinks.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40You know, smoked salmon on a little bit of toast.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42He has died of smoke salmon?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Yeah, or pate, it could have been. A vol-au-vent, sausage roll.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Sometimes it's just a bit of cheese and pineapple.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Anyway, the point is he... he managed to choke on it.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Oh. - Um...
0:24:56 > 0:25:00- I will miss Daryl. - Yeah. Yeah, we all will.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05SHE SIGHS
0:25:05 > 0:25:08So I'll be taking over on Lucky Dip.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12So you can tell your mother and your sister and, er...you know...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14that I will be on that.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Yeah, Magda, I really do think that that has had enough water.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19We don't want that to die as well,
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- do we? - No.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Once again, we would like to say a very big thank you
0:25:30 > 0:25:34to those of you who have been kind enough to send us messages of condolence.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39It's been a great source of comfort to us at this very difficult time, so thank you.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Yes, now, we've been thinking about how Daryl would most liked to be remembered
0:25:43 > 0:25:45and we're very proud to announce
0:25:45 > 0:25:49that Bargain Channel viewers will have the exclusive opportunity
0:25:49 > 0:25:52to purchase this special commemorative plate.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56Yes, it's inscribed, really rather beautifully,
0:25:56 > 0:25:57with his birth date
0:25:57 > 0:26:00and the date of his sad passing,
0:26:00 > 0:26:05and in the centrepiece we have an incredibly lifelike portrait of Daryl.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08A special memento of a special man.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11At a very special price, £14.99.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Lines are open. 08081 570 570.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Do pick up the phone and order yourself...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- He choked on a canape. That's hilarious. - I know.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23- The not-so-lucky dip. You can use that. - Thanks.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Daryl goes to Vegas, and you hit the jackpot.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- What I said to Mel. - No, you didn't.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- So is this a permanent thing? - Yeah, for the time being.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- I am pleased for you. - Yeah, yeah.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34I know you think it's crap.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Hey, man, it's work, so... And if you need any gags, I'm more than happy to drop by.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Yeah, I've decided not to do gags. - Oh, the producer didn't like them.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44No, he loved them, but now I'm doing it full time...
0:26:44 > 0:26:45OK, so maybe I'll just drop by
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- and hang out. - Oh, yeah.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I know what this is about. You want to see Donna again, don't you?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52- Donna? Oh, will she be there?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Donna? Yeah. Why don't you give her a call? I've got her number.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- Really? - Sure.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58OK, OK.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- It's 08081 570 570. - 570. Yeah, thanks, buddy.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- The lines are now open. - I'd do the same for you.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- Magda. - Hello.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- You all right? - No, I have bought plate of Daryl...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Oh, yeah. It's a special commemorative plate we're doing.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- ...for Agatha. - For those who wish to remember him. - Nice touch.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18She has put in dishwasher, and, look,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21he has come out like Princess Diana.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30HE TUTS Yeah, I think it does say not to put it in a dishwasher.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31- Now we know why. - I must have money back.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- That's not really my department. - But you sold to me.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35I didn't say put it in a smelting oven.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- What is smelting oven? - It's an oven for melting rocks in.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- It's like a dishwasher. - But she has put in dishwasher.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- What did she do that for? - It was covered all in sausage.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47RICK: Sausages? That's a commemorative plate. That's no way to remember Daryl!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49MAGDA: That's what she does to remember Daryl.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53RICK: How would you like it if someone ate sausages off your face?
0:27:58 > 0:28:03# I wanna get high But I really can't take the pain
0:28:04 > 0:28:09# Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane... #
0:28:09 > 0:28:13- So when are these awards? - Saturday week.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- I expect Dan's excited. - Oh, just a bit!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Mm.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Do you think they'll have canapes?