0:00:02 > 0:00:04'You know the Bargain Channel?' Welcome back, and next up...
0:00:04 > 0:00:07It's Britain's premier shopping channel. You know Daryl and Donna?
0:00:07 > 0:00:08They present a four-hour Lucky Dip slot.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Daryl's going on holiday somewhere. They want me to fill in.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- I like you in this show. - Oh, thanks, Magda.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17- Because you are not funny. - Marty, I'm good at this. Get over it.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I'm on the fast track now. This is gonna lead to all sorts.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24Mel, wake up. It's all kicked off at the Bargain Channel. Daryl's dead.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26- Dead? - Yes. Magda's gonna be devastated.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- But how has he died? - I'm afraid he choked on a canape.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31No.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34They've asked me to stay on. They want me to do Lucky Dip full time.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36This could be a whole new career for me.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- Maybe I'll just drop by. - I know what this is about.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- You want to see Donna again, don't you?- Donna? Oh, will she be there?
0:00:42 > 0:00:47As I say, these limited-edition windmills are available now for only £29.99.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50That's right, Donna, and in fact, these have been so popular
0:00:50 > 0:00:54that we've decided to extend the offer for another week.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57We have indeed, and you can't buy these in the shops, can you?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Not at all, I'm afraid. Shops just don't sell these.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03They are exclusive to Bargain Channel. So, give us a call now.
0:01:03 > 0:01:0708081 570 570.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09And I'm going to wind her up now so we can hear her play again.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Good idea. And we'll see you after the break
0:01:12 > 0:01:15when we'll be showing you a brand-new way to clean your toilet.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17WOMAN: And cut. That was great.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- I think we're beginning to find a way...- Oh, Marty!
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- Donna.- Hello, there.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- Nice to see you. - Ha-ha! Oh! Lovely to see you.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28I thought you could do with some decent coffee for a change.
0:01:45 > 0:01:50# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain...
0:01:52 > 0:01:54# Cos it will blow away my soul... #
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- It's just not right. - Why not?
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I'll tell you why not. She's my co-presenter.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02That makes it wrong for starters. It's unnatural.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Unnatural? - Yes, it's incestuous.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I introduced them, and now Marty's taking advantage.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I mean, what if the tabloids find out?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- What? Two single people go on a date? - Well, it's more than a date.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- It's typical of Marty. - I can't see why it bothers you.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Well, he's distracting me, hanging around the studios, waiting for the next break,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- fetching her coffees. - Mm, lucky Donna.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Makes you sick. And supposing he gets her pregnant. Then what?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Then they'll have a baby.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Exactly, and Donna will have to have time off.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34And they'll have to find a replacement who might not work quite so well with me.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36And that would be a complete pain.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- He hasn't thought about that, has he? - No, I don't suppose he has.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Not as easy as it looks, selling porcelain windmills and Sani-Flush starter kits.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47It's all about having a rapport with your co-presenter.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50What if I started going out with Izzy? How would you like that?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- That's an absurd comparison! - No, she's your PA. It's the same thing.
0:02:53 > 0:02:58Not really, unless you're in a sexual relationship with Marty.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00In which case, maybe there's something I don't know.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- You are. That's what this is all about. < FOOTSTEPS
0:03:03 > 0:03:08- You're having sex with Marty. - No, I am not having sex with Marty.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I have come at bad time.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16Oh. No, you haven't. Come back. Let's sort this out now.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21DONNA: The things that make them commercial...
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- Ten quid? - What is it? A dog bowl?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- No, I think it's for babies and stuff. - DONNA: And secondly, the design.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Let's just have a look at...
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Sam, do you mind if I watch the news headlines? I've got to...
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- What's wrong with the television? - Mm?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- The television.- We put it on, and it was upside down.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- There might be something wrong with it.- It's a brand-new television.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42It was working fine. Are all the channels like that?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I don't know. We're just watching this.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47How's that happened? SIREN WAILS ON TV
0:03:47 > 0:03:50WOMAN: Ludovic's dream of a magic...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53MUSIC PLAYS 'What's your spin on your abysmal...'
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Maybe it's one of those televisions that sometimes goes upside down.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- What, you've heard of that, have you? - No, I haven't, actually.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Did you get it off the Bargain Channel, Dad?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03No, of course I didn't get it off the Bargain Channel. It's a proper make.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I've got to go to work. Can you ring the helpline, see if they'll sort it out?
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- We would, just we've got stuff to do.- Yeah, pretty full-on today.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- It will just be a phone call.- Yeah, they keep you waiting for ages.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Yeah, they just waste your time. - Obviously, I wouldn't want that.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18But on this occasion, could you just get off your...
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Could you put the call in...
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- You wouldn't actually need to move. - Er...yeah, sure.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Yep, we'll give it a go.- Thank you. I'll get the number for you.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30If I can find the paperwork. It was there. Who's moved that?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- Er...Dad? Dad? Dad.- Yeah.
0:04:33 > 0:04:39Could you put the television back on cos we were watching the, you know...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yeah, sorry.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44< '..on radio, then on television...' - OK?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47'..La-a-arry the La-a-amb spoke like that.'
0:04:47 > 0:04:49So, what do you reckon?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Tenner.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Have you seen the paperwork for the new TV?
0:04:55 > 0:05:00It was in there on the chest of drawers and now it's not.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- I have ironed shirt for you.- Yeah?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- For Daryl's funeral.- Yeah. Oh, God, it's tomorrow, isn't it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07SHE TUTS
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I am very sad Daryl is dead.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Yeah. Yeah, we're all devastated.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It was in a plastic envelope about...
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I would like to send flowers for Daryl.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Yeah, or you could give money to a charity if you want.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- What charity would I send? - Maybe a...an anti-choking charity.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31You know, does research into canape-related deaths.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- There is this charity? - Probably. Who knows?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I'm sure Daryl wishes there was.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Um...perhaps...I could go to funeral.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42What? Oh, perhaps. Yeah, Magda, but not this one.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46It's friends and family only, I'm afraid. You'll have to find another one to go to.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48You are friend of Daryl's?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Yeah.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53But when you started at Bargain Channel, Daryl was in holiday...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- Oh, dear.- ..and then before, you had not met him.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It's "on holiday".
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"On holiday."
0:06:01 > 0:06:04We've been into all of this. Anyway, I can't hang around chatting.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Oh, and television programmes are upside down on your television.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Yeah, sorry about that, Magda. I'll have it sorted out for you soon as I can.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16- Yes.- It would have been a lot simpler if you hadn't thrown the guarantee away.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25Yes, it's 18-carat gold, an absolutely beautiful piece of...
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- 18-carat gold equivalent. - 60 seconds, everybody, please.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Donna? Donna?
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Donna, 60 seconds, if you... Probably should just...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37If you want to...
0:06:37 > 0:06:42I think any girl would be thrilled if you put this ring on her finger, so give...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- 30.- Donna, it's...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Donna, it's 30 seconds, and... - Ssh!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Well, the floor manager's getting a bit...you know.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Er...it's 18-carat gold, as I say, with a Diamonesk inset.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- Ten seconds.- Donna? Donna?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58It's ten seconds before we're on.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- And going live in five, four... - See you soon.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03- All right. - ..three...
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Now, next up is this beautiful eternity ring.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12It is simulated Diamonesk and 18-carat gold equivalent,
0:07:12 > 0:07:17and it really is the perfect present for someone you love,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20or should I say "from someone you love", Rick?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23That's right, Donna. So, come on, all you gents out there.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26I'm absolutely sure that any girl will be thrilled
0:07:26 > 0:07:28if you put this finger in her ring.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30On her ring. No, what am I saying?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34No, obviously, what I meant to say was would be thrilled
0:07:34 > 0:07:36if you put this ring on her finger.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Because it is such a lovely ring.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42A...a ring for eternity.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46A ring that says, "I love you, let's be together forever."
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Or it doesn't have to be that serious, does it, Donna?
0:07:48 > 0:07:52It might be more of a short-term thing.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Um..."I like you quite a lot.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59"Let's, er...keep it casual, no strings, here's a ring..." type of thing.
0:07:59 > 0:08:05You decide. Lines are open. 08081 570 570.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Give us a ring about the ring.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10And here is a taster of what's coming up later in the show.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12And cut.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Don't worry, I think I got us out of that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19What do you mean, not your fault?
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- In what way wasn't it your fault? - Well, in that I didn't say it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Well, you might as well have said it, cos you distracted me into saying it.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Oh, please.- I have a lot to think about in there.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I've got the product, people talking in my ear, video clips.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- I know. It's like you're a TV presenter.- Yes, yes.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39So, the last thing I need is you hanging around in the studio
0:08:39 > 0:08:42like some kind of competition winner.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45At least they saw the funny side of it, so I'll buy you lunch for old times' sake.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Not having lunch with Donna? - No, I'm meeting her later.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- Oh, God!- We're just friends.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Of course you are. - We are. In a "Let's keep it casual,
0:08:51 > 0:08:52"no strings, here's a ring" kind of thing.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- Shut your face.- It was hilarious.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Why did you have to come to the studio anyway?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- The funniest thing you've ever said. - Can we just drop the subject?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04All I'm saying is that it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't have been there.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07And lucky for you it was the Bargain Channel, so no-one was watching anyway.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Oh, thanks.- Except for shopaholics and screwballs.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Oh, bad luck. The Bargain Channel.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17You must be feeling terrible, putting your foot in it like that.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Or should I say "finger"?
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Oh, you were watching, were you? - Oh, God, no. It's on YouTube.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23- What, already?- I know.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Extraordinary, isn't it, these days? You do something
0:09:26 > 0:09:30that makes you look an absolute tit, someone uploads it, next thing you know, it's gone all round the world.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Hm, progress!- It's actually why we do those bloopers.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35It's a viral marketing thing.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Oh, I see.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39They actually want presenters who make mistakes.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Well, they've hit a gold mine with you, then.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Could I have ravioli and...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- So, the whole thing is scripted? - Yes.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- Well, that is clever.- Yes.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Very funny. Well done, Marty. So, ravioli and a coke, was it?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Same for me, except without the garlic bread.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Sure thing.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- What? - "Hi, Donna. How was your workout?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05"How's my minty-fresh, garlic-free breath, Donna? Mwah!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- "Eurgh! Eurgh! Eurgh!" - You are mentally ill.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12I've just realised after all these years that's what it is.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Sam, did you make that phone call about the television?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- What?- The television. Did you ring them?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Oh, er...right. Yeah.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39No, not really. Well, I didn't need to in the end, er... Ben fixed it.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- Did he?- Yeah.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Oh.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48TELETUBBIES ON TV
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Well done.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Ben.- Hm?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Oh, it doesn't matter.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11What time are you supposed to be there?
0:11:11 > 0:11:1411 o'clock. Yeah.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19It's a full burial and everything. He was only 52. Huh.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Did he have any children?- No.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23I don't know, actually.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27Well, you'd better find out, just in case they want you to do a eulogy.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- You don't think they might ask... - What?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Given that you'd never even met him, probably not.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38No, but they might. I am his successor. What if they ask me to say a few words?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Just tell them that you're too upset. I'm sure they'll understand.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46I am upset! You can still be upset about someone's death if you didn't know them.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Look at Diana or...or JFK.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I was very upset when he got, you know, "Pkkk!" and I didn't exactly know him.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- You were two years old. - That's sort of my point, I was two.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59And then I grew up and I found out what had happened and then I was upset.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Well, anyway.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Give my condolences to Daryl's widow.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- Mm.- If he has one.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Ha-ha-ha-ha(!)
0:12:17 > 0:12:22Yes, yes, I am sure the picture is upside down.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23That's right. DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:23 > 0:12:27No... I agree that shouldn't happen,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30and that's why I'm ringing.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33No, cos I've tried that, and that didn't work either.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37TINNY MUSIC PLAYS Oh, please don't put me on hold. Oh!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Oh, hello, Rick. Sorry to bother you. Have you got a minute?
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Not really. I'm a bit busy.- Only it's about my mother's windmill.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Just talking to... What? - My mother's windmill.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53She, er...she bought it off you. Well, from your...from your Bargain...
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Channel. It's Britain's premier shopping channel.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Anyway, she's...she's very disappointed. You see, the sails don't go round.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- Oh, I'm sure they do.- No, they don't. They're jammed. Look.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06- They're not really meant to go round. - Yes, they are.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08They're supposed to turn round and play a tune.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- Like the one you showed on TV.- You have to wind it up with the key.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Well, she tried that, and the key just snapped clean off in her hand.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Well, I think she must have used too much force, to be honest.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21She's 85, Rick.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23It's not really anything to do with me.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Shoddy goods is what I call that. - No, it's not shoddy. It's heritage.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31The sails don't go round, the musical feature doesn't work, and the key's bust.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34What do you call it?
0:13:34 > 0:13:38Look, I could... I could really do without this.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43I've got a funeral to go to, and it's all very, very distressing.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise. Er...was it a relative?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49No, it was a friend. It was Daryl from the Bargain Channel.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course. I, er...I didn't realise you knew him.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Yes, yes, I did.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Oh.- In fact, I was best man at his wedding.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- I had no idea.- Well, there you go.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02- I was just talking to his widow. - Yes, yes, yes, of course.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07Well, this had best wait, then, given the circumstances. I'm sorry for your loss.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Thank you.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- TINNY MUSIC AUDIBLE - Is that, um...
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Is that music?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Mm, yeah.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Yeah, she's listening to a lot of music. It helps with the grief.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39HONKS HORN
0:14:45 > 0:14:47ENGINE RATTLES
0:14:56 > 0:14:58ORGAN PLAYS HYMN
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- What are you doing here? - Donna asked me to come.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Uh!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Where is she? - She's on her way.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Magda's here.- I know.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40She was outside. She wanted to pay her respects, so I told her to come in.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43LOUDLY: What the hell did you do...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45QUIETLY: What the hell did you do that for?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46She was a fan.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- There's a bunch of them outside. - Load of losers. Makes you sick.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Oh, look at her! She actually looks like she's gonna cry.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I know. At a funeral. How inappropriate.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01She has no right to be here. You can't go around gate-crashing funerals.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- She didn't even...- What, get his job?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08At least she didn't punch the air when she heard that he died.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11WHISPERS: Hello. WHISPERS: Hi.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Hello.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Oh, I've just been out there talking to some of his fans.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21It's so sweet they've shown up.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I know. Daryl would have loved it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33We are gathered here to say goodbye to a dearly loved member of our community.
0:16:34 > 0:16:41So, let us take this time to recall Daryl's contribution to our lives.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Daryl was a good man.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Let us take a few moments...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Unbelievable.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52She's filming it - Magda.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57PRIEST: Remember, Lord, those who have died and have gone before us,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59marked with the sign of faith,
0:16:59 > 0:17:03especially today when we pray for Daryl Mason.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08What was all that with the water when you came in?
0:17:08 > 0:17:09What?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Back there with the water.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- What was all that about? - I'm a Catholic. That's what we do.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- You're not a Catholic. - I was brought up Catholic. Now ssh!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22PRIEST: Grant for us forgiveness through Christ, our Lord.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Look with favour on your church and accept this offering.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30And see the victim whose death has reconciled us to yourself.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Bit of a song and dance, isn't it, the incense and bells and stuff?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Church of England, they just get on with it. More low-key.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40None of this showing off.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Ssh!- Heaven and Earth are full of thy glory.
0:17:42 > 0:17:49I would like to invite anybody up now who would like to partake in Holy Communion.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52ORGAN PLAYS HYMN
0:17:52 > 0:17:56I don't get this celibate thing, do you? I mean, priests.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01Why would you sign up for that? A lifetime of celibacy.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- I mean you'd be...- Rick.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- No wonder they're all a bit weird. - Will you shut up?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- What are you doing? - We're taking Communion.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21When in Rome...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- But you're not a Catholic. - It's up to me.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40RICK GULPING
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- Rick. Rick! - GULPING
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Cut it out!
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Rick.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Rick? Rick?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53HE CHOKES
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Oh, my God! Rick?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Rick?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Oh! Ah!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10COUGHS
0:19:15 > 0:19:18WHEEZES
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Oh. Eurgh.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24PANTS AND COUGHS
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Oh.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28SIGHS
0:19:28 > 0:19:30COUGHS Carry on.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Uh.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- Wine?- Er...no, thanks.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11So, how did the funeral go?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Yeah, it was...it was nicely done.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- It was quite moving, really.- Hm.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25So, no-one...
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- choked on a communion wafer for example?- Who told you? Magda?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- She was quite worried about you. - Well, she should be.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I nearly died. It was like trying to swallow a piece of plywood.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38It went straight to the back of my throat and got stuck. It was really serious.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41So is taking Communion if you're not a Catholic. You'll burn in hell, you know.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I was only joining in. Everyone else stood up. It was like a Mexican wave.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- I didn't want to ruin it like some stick-in-the-mud.- You're lucky the priest knew what he was doing.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I can tell you think it's hilarious.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52People don't realise how dangerous choking can be.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- I think Daryl...- It's about time they did some research into it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56They should start a charity to fund it.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Anyway, I don't know why Magda's banging on about it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02It wasn't that big a deal. Most people didn't even notice.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04What, even when Daryl's picture got smashed?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Is the television working yet?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14MUSIC: Po' Boy Soul by Tim Burgess
0:21:15 > 0:21:22# I'm just a man who's trying his luck with a poor boy's soul
0:21:22 > 0:21:28# I'm just a man Who's trying to achieve the impossible
0:21:31 > 0:21:37# I'm feeling so angry And nothing can stop me from fighting
0:21:37 > 0:21:40# I'm feeling so hungry
0:21:40 > 0:21:48# And nothing can stop me from winning
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# Just a poor boy's soul
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# I will escape
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# From it all
0:22:02 > 0:22:05# I am one
0:22:06 > 0:22:09# You are none
0:22:09 > 0:22:17# Say what you will from the top of your hill as I touch the sun
0:22:17 > 0:22:23# My work is done... #
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Ah, there you are. Are you OK?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Yeah, I'm fine, thanks for asking. What's the special?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- Free-range chicken Caesar. - Yeah, I'll have one of those, and...
0:22:37 > 0:22:42Don't worry, I'll cut it up nice and small. So you don't choke.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Marty told you, didn't he? - Hey? No, it's on YouTube.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47YouTube? How the hell did it get onto...
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Magda.- I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but it is hilarious.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55That priest, "Uh, uh, uh!" I bet you were thinking, "Ooh, hello!"
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I was thinking, "I'm gonna die," actually.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59And then you smashed the photo.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- That's not what happened.- It is. - I don't think so.- It's on YouTube.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Anyway, how do you keep finding this stuff about me?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07- Oh, I've got an alert set up.- What?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Any mention of Rick Spleen on the web, and I get a "ding!" More a "uh-er", actually.
0:23:11 > 0:23:15- It's like being stalked.- Oh, come on. Do I look like a stalker?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Just out of interest, how do you go about setting up one of these alerts?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25I wouldn't bother. You hardly ever come up nowadays. There's only been
0:23:25 > 0:23:31a couple of mentions in the last year or so, and one of those you definitely wouldn't want to read.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35You know what? I think I might skip lunch.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Oh, you sure? I've got soup.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00- Hello. - Yeah, never mind all that, Magda.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02- Give me your phone, please.- My phone?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Oh, very good. I like it.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Yes, Magda, give me your phone. - I do not have.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- Give it to me now, please. - I do not have mobile phone today.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Oh, where is it? Snappy Snaps, getting the photos developed?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- At funeral, Marty borrowed. - Oh, Marty borrowed...
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Marty borrowed it?
0:24:20 > 0:24:25And I forget to ask for it back. Why do you want phone now as well?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I don't. It doesn't matter.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32In fact, Magda...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36..you are owed an apology.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Yes?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42And I will make sure Marty gives it to you.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45DOORBELL RINGS So, if you will excuse me.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- Oh, hello, Rick. Have you got a minute?- No.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Only I was wondering, now that the funeral's taken place,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55did you get a chance to ask about my mother's...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- No, I didn't.- You were going to settle the matter.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- It's not a good time. I'm off to work.- Oh, well, that's ideal, then.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Cos I've looked at the terms, and it's clear from the small print
0:25:04 > 0:25:07that my mother's entitled to a full refund or a replacement
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- if within seven working days... - All right, I'll see what I can do.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Oh, incidentally! Er...your friend Daryl.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Daryl, the one who died.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Yes, I know who Daryl is, thank you.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Well, do you? Because it did start me wondering.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- What did?- You said you were best man at his wedding.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Yes.- Yet he never got married.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30It's in all the obituaries. So...how could you possibly
0:25:30 > 0:25:35- have been the best man at his wedding?- Is that what they said?
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Journalists. They just make stuff up. No respect for the dead.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I don't know how they live with themselves.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- Oh, you'll be needing the... - No, it's all right.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49I'll just get you another one, or your money back, or...
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Cos I don't know about you girls,
0:25:54 > 0:25:59but in my experience, when it comes to peeling spuds, most men run for the hills.
0:25:59 > 0:26:04This is a Turbo-Peel, and it looks like it could change everything.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05I've even got Rick here into a pinny.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Very fetching, Rick. Ha-ha. - Thanks, Donna.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12Not sure it's my colour. But there is a serious point to make here.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Turbo-Peel is so easy to use, it's actually quite fun.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20Here's a carrot. Look at that. It's done in seconds. Simple as that.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22And the parsnip, often thought of as the awkward vegetable.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Same again. It's done in seconds. No more tears.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Look at this. Here's a potato. Just a cinch. Don't take my word for it.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Turbo-Peel is used in many professional kitchens
0:26:33 > 0:26:37so let's see what top chef Garry James has to say about it.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Hi, I'm Garry James...
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Come on, Marty! Bloody hell.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44It's hard enough selling this crap to all these retards out in Chavland
0:26:44 > 0:26:45filling their bungalows with shite...
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- Rick...- ..without you going...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59That went out, didn't it?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Well.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It's been very nice working with you.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13CLEARS THROAT
0:27:13 > 0:27:14Thank you.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34DOORBELL RINGS # I wanna get by
0:27:34 > 0:27:38# But I really can't take the pain... #
0:27:38 > 0:27:40DOORBELL RINGS
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane... #
0:27:43 > 0:27:46DOORBELL RINGS
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Oh, I'm like a one-man band... #
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Sorry to bother you, Rick. Did you ask about my mother's, er...
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Oh, yeah, your refund. Sorry, may I?
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Ah. How much was it?
0:28:01 > 0:28:03There you go. You have that.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd