0:00:02 > 0:00:04Hey, Michael, guess where they asked Rick to do his comedy class?
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- Go on. - Belford Prison.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09- Oh, that is hilarious! In prison? - Good luck this afternoon.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11- I'll be fine. - Course you will.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13They only go for the pretty ones.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15I thought that was a really encouraging start.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19- It was empowering, all part of the... - Right, back off, or I'll cut him.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20- Calm down, Donald. - Back off, I said!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23I think maybe do as he says.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46(ALARM RINGS)
0:00:47 > 0:00:49(CLANG)
0:00:50 > 0:00:52(ALARMS RING OUTSIDE)
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Hey, you!
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Anybody so much as touches this door without my say-so, laughing boy gets it!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Right?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- Apologies for raising my voice. - It's not a problem.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I mean, ideally, you shouldn't have to do any of this nonsense,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11but it seems to be the only way you get any attention
0:01:11 > 0:01:13to your demands in this place, you know?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15- It's...it's fine. - Aye.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17So, have you been taken hostage before?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Er...er...no, it's my first time.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Let's just run through a few basics
0:01:23 > 0:01:25so we don't have any... misunderstandings, shall we?
0:01:25 > 0:01:30- Sounds like a good idea to me. - Right. No sudden movements, no heroics.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Just sit tight, do as I say,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35and hopefully this whole unpleasant business will be over with.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37(SIREN BLARES) - Got that.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Ah. That'll be lockdown completed.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Everybody has to go to their cells, you see.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Yeah, it's standard procedure in an emergency.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Nothing to worry about. - I see, yeah.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54So, how...how long, on average, would one of these things last?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- A siege? - Yeah, a siege.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59It kind of depends, you know. There's so many different outcomes.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02What...what kind of outcomes, for example?
0:02:02 > 0:02:07All sorts. Some good, some not so good, you know.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09We don't want another Wandsworth on our hands, do we?
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- God, no. - The name's Innis. Donald Innis.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- I remember from the workshop. - Donald to my friends.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Not Don and not Donny. I don't like that.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- No. Donald is better, I totally agree. - My mother christened me Donald.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- I am called Donald. - Absolutely.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28See, when I first came here, there was a screw that was forever calling me Donny.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30That's...that's rude.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Yes, isn't it? So, I had to have a quiet word with him.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37I said to him, "I said the name's Innis, but if you insist on first names,
0:02:37 > 0:02:41"would you mind, please, calling me Donald and not Donny?"
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- That's fair enough. - Yes. What did he do the very next day?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I come out of my cell. I come onto the landing. There he is.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Huge big grin on his face. "Hello, Donny," he says.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- Oh, that's winding you up. - I just went into a blur, you know?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Do you ever have that feeling, Rick, when you just go into a wee blur?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Next thing I know, I'm holding onto him and...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03(WHISTLES)
0:03:05 > 0:03:07What, over the...?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Anyway, as I say, hopefully, they'll have the good sense to listen to my demands,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and then we can all...move on.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Exactly. - Yeah.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19What are your demands, Don...Donald?
0:03:19 > 0:03:23- If you don't mind me asking. - No, no, you've got a right to know.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25You're the one being inconvenienced, after all, aren't you?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Oh, no. No, I'm not being...
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Er...yeah, obviously I had a few other things to be getting on with.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34You know, I was gonna go to the, er...garden centre.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- You were asking me about my demands. - Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40What's happening is they are denying me my basic human rights.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Oh, no. That's out of order.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45They are abusing my civil liberties.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I hate that. When they do that, I don't like that.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52I do...I do a lot of work for...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54for Amnesty.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- You understand what I'm going through. - Totally.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Of course.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I do.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02They won't let me...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06...they won't let me
0:04:06 > 0:04:08have a chess set in my cell.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh, blimey.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15A chess set.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- That's what this is about? - Yes.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- That...that is annoying. - More than annoying, Rick.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Oh, no, absolutely. No, I can see how that would drive you completely in...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30...to be angry.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32No chess set? That's not right.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35They're afraid I might use it as a weapon.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Oh, that's ridiculous.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Maybe not, you know. You could maybe use it as a weapon.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41You see, you could maybe get a bishop
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- and gouge out somebody's eye. - True.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Or you could get a couple of pawns and stick 'em up somebody's nose,
0:04:47 > 0:04:48you know, one up each nostril,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51hands behind their back, gaffer tape over their mouth, dead in two minutes.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- Yeah, I suppose it would. - Mm-hm.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Say it was a wooden board, you could just bang somebody over the head
0:04:56 > 0:04:59again and again and again.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Couldn't you? Well, I wouldn't. You know why?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Cos it's against the rules of chess.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10And, more importantly, it's against the spirit of the game.
0:05:10 > 0:05:15- Exactly. - Yes. That's all, a chess set.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16It's not as if I was trying
0:05:16 > 0:05:19to do clay-pigeon shooting in the staff canteen, is it?!
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I wish you'd stop looking at that knife, Rick. It makes me kind of jumpy.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- Sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just... - (SIRENS BLARE)
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Oh, hang on. Bit of action.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34(SIRENS BLARE)
0:05:36 > 0:05:41Oh, not a bad turnout. One, two, three, four police cars,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44a riot van and two ambulances.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47That'll be one each. They're maybe expecting the worst, eh?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51And, er...is that a paramedic I see, with a mop and a bucket?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Just kidding. (LAUGHS)
0:05:57 > 0:06:00(PHONE RINGS)
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- You expecting a phone call, Rick? - Er...not really, no.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Oh, I suppose I'd better get it, then.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09(PHONE RINGS)
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Hello. Belford Prison Library. How may I help you?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Might be somebody with an overdue book.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Hostage negotiator.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22No, no, I'm still here.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I was just trying to guess which, er... esteemed seat of learning you attended.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Was it Keele University?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Oh, Loughborough. Sociology?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh, criminology? Oh, that's very good. Mm-hm.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36No, you listen to me. I've got a much better idea, uni boy.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40You run along and get me a very nice chess set and put it in my cell,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42or laughing boy here gets it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Right, and I want a guarantee there's no comeback from this.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Yes, well, I'm trying to sound confrontational.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Just run along and do it, right? (SLAMS PHONE DOWN)
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Hostage negotiators.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Been there, done that. So patronising.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Their wee calm voices that they've practised.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04If only they'd just agreed to give me a chess set to begin with,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06there'd be no need for this mess, would there?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08You're right. It would have been so much better.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yes.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Oh...
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Oh, here, next time it rings, why don't you answer it?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Tell 'em I've popped out for a few minutes.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- (LAUGHS) Eh? - (LAUGHS)
0:07:20 > 0:07:21- Did you like that? - Yeah.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Popped out for a few minutes!
0:07:25 > 0:07:26It's a funny joke.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31You're laughing at the joke, aren't you? Yeah. You're not laughing at me, are you?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34No. God, no. Definitely not, no. I wouldn't laugh at you.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I...I was laughing at the joke. It was cos...cos it was funny.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40But there's no way would I do that, cos it was...
0:07:40 > 0:07:43Uh-huh. Aye.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Aye.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48So, did you like my routine?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- The workshop thing. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54With the bloke tied up in the boot of your car.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Be honest now. What did you think? - I liked it.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59It wasn't too dark, no?
0:07:59 > 0:08:04No! Well, obviously, it was dark and...and it got darker.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08But, er...that's... that's what made it funny.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Yeah.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I didn't see you laughing, though.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Er...no, but there's a...there's a reason for that. I have to be professional.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I can't be seen to have a...a favourite.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Ah. - But, er...no, it was good stuff.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Er...when you drove to Kwik-Fit to get the tyre changed,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29and the mechanic opened the boot and saw the bloke all tied up and...
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Obviously, you told it much better than I can, but it was very funny.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- You know why it was funny? - Er...
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Because it's true. - Oh, it was...it was true, was it?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Aye. Aye, you should have seen the wee guy with the spanner.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- He shat his dungarees. - (SIREN BLARES OUTSIDE)
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Oh, I don't believe it. What's this now?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Oh, no! They've called the fire brigade as well.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- Oh, what? - Now I can feel pressure on myself.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I can feel pressure to start a fire in here.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I wouldn't see it like that. They're just covering all bases. I expect they have to.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12It's not as if I'm in prison because I'm an arsonist, you know?
0:09:12 > 0:09:16If I was an arsonist, a fire engine would make sense, wouldn't it?
0:09:16 > 0:09:17- Quite. - But I'm not an arsonist.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19No.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Bet you're dying to ask.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26What I'm in for.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29No, no. No, I didn't even...didn't even...
0:09:29 > 0:09:34Well, I suppose it crossed my mind earlier. But, no, it doesn't matter.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It matters to me.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40I know. Why don't we play a... a game of 20 questions, right?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43You have to try and guess what I'm in for, right? Go on, ask me a question.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Oh, is this a good idea?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Yes, it is a good idea. 19 left.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- (CHUCKLES) - Um...
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Er... - Go on, go on.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- Er...sorry. Did... - (CLICKS TONGUE)
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Er...did it involve...
0:09:59 > 0:10:03um...what's it...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05um...violence?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Oh, Rick. You've disappointed me now.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Why did you have to go straight to that? - It was a stupid question. I...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Just cos I'm a category A prisoner, people leap to conclusions.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Forget I asked. - There's so many other questions.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23How long ago? Where did you commit it? How many witnesses were there?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Yes, it did involve violence. Next question.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28(RICK SIGHS)
0:10:30 > 0:10:31- Come on. - Were you framed?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34No, no, I was guilty. 17 left.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Was...was it some sort of...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40...traffic thingy?
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Bingo! They put me away for life for parking on a zigzag line(!)
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Behave yourself. Three left.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- Three? - Well, how many did you think?
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Er...one, two, three.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Oh. Oh, yeah, it is three.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Oh, was it...was it forgery?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Just not going to get it, are you? - I don't think so, no.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- No, no. No, I'm a businessman, Rick. - Oh. Oh, I see.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Only my business happens to be class A drugs and all the necessary activities
0:11:10 > 0:11:12- that go with that. - Right.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16- You know, just like any other business. - Sure.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Sometimes you just have to protect your interests.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21And I will not be undercut, no.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Say I opened a supermarket, and somebody opens a supermarket right next door,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28selling the same goods with much lower prices.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29What am I to do?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Um...well...
0:11:34 > 0:11:37sometimes they do special offers...
0:11:37 > 0:11:39you know, two for one.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45I...I suppose you could bring your prices down a bit.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Yes, I could do that.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Or I could send somebody round with what I call a pricing gun.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- What? A pricing gun? - A gun.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- Just extending the supermarket analogy. - Oh, I see.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03In the old days, everybody had their own patch. Never any trouble. Hardly ever.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05- People were straight with each other. - Yeah.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10Then all these new guys started muscling in, saying one thing, doing another.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- I don't like people who lie to me, Rick. - No, me neither.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Where's the harm in telling the truth? - Just tell the truth.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Anybody lies to me... (WHISTLES)
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- The pricing gun. - The pricing gun. (CLICKS TONGUE)
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- Do you like Lulu, Rick? - What, the singer Lulu?
0:12:31 > 0:12:35- Yes, Lulu the singer. Do you like her? - Er...yes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I...I hadn't really thought about it.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Well, someone here has,
0:12:39 > 0:12:43as they've ripped off the front off her book to take back to his cell.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- (WHISTLES) - Oh, no. Really? That's a shame.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49That's nothing. I wish they were all like that.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- There's some dirty bastards in here. - I expect there are.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- Fancy a book to read? - No.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Sure? - Yeah.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02(SNIFFS AND SIGHS)
0:13:04 > 0:13:08See how you're all on edge, and I'm quite relaxed? Why's that, do you think?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11I don't know.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Maybe...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I...I don't know. I...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Time. That's what it is.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22You see, you've never had to just sit down and pass time.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25You get very good at it in here.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Have to not think about it too much. - Right.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30That's why I'm after a chess set, you see.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Yeah, I...I see.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35(DONALD HUMS)
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- I wish you'd stop looking at that knife. - Oh, er...no, I wasn't.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Aye, you were. Perfectly natural.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45But be realistic. What are you gonna do? Make a grab for it?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- You gonna take me on? - Oh, no. No, no, not at all.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50That window's locked, by the way. Aye, that one, the one you've been looking at.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52You'll find all the windows here are locked and barred.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55It tends to happen quite a lot in...prisons.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56- Sorry, I was just... - (PHONE RINGS)
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Oh, what did I tell you? They couldn't wait any longer.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Oh, hello, uni boy. Don't tell me there's a national shortage of chess sets.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09(TUTS) Oh, just shut up, will you?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12God almighty, you'd think I'd asked for a million quid
0:14:12 > 0:14:14and a helicopter out of here, the fuss you're making.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Are you hungry, Rick?
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- Ah...er...no. No, not really. - Not fancy a pizza?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24Listen up, uni boy. I'd like a couple of pizzas, if that's all right with you.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28And you know what's gonna happen to laughing boy if it's not all right?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I'm gonna cut his ears off and staple them to a copy of Lulu's autobiography.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38Aye, see how many jobs you get as a hostage negotiator then.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39He's cacking himself.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Is he?
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Right, get a pencil.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45What do you fancy?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Er...can I have a...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50er...
0:14:50 > 0:14:52just a basic pizza.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Er...Margherita. - Margherita.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Could you hang on just a second?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01We're in a very strong position here. We can get anything we want.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Don't piss about with a Margherita.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Get some toppings, some garlic bread. What would you really like? Come on.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10I'll have a... (SIGHS) ...pepperoni.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- And? - Um...pineapple.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- And? - And, er...tandoori chicken.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Er...tuna. Anchovies.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23All on the same pizza? Oh, I'll not be sharing that with you. You're on your own.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28(CHUCKLES) Right, I'd like one American Hot with extra mushrooms.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30And one Create Your Own
0:15:30 > 0:15:37with, er...pepperoni, pineapple, tandoori chicken, tuna and anchovies.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Yes, all on the same pizza, obviously. You got a problem with that?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Well, I'm not finished.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I'd like a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50and another thing, uni boy, I don't ever want to speak to you again.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55Next time this phone rings, it had better be the governor or at least a grown-up.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Now piss off and get those pizzas!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Are you married, Rick?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14- Yeah. - That's nice.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Not actually married. We decided to... - You're not married?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20No, we just live together. We prefer it that way.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22See, I think that's a shame.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26Well, obviously, what I mean is we are going to get married. Next year.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I thought you preferred not to be married.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Yeah.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34But we are nonetheless going to get married.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Whereabouts?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Er...locally.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Aye, you see, when you give me answers like that,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I'm thinking you're... you're making this up.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49No. I'm just... I'm trying to explain more fully.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Uh-huh. Told you, Rick, I don't like people who lie to me.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Sorry about that.
0:16:53 > 0:16:59"Oh what a tangled web we weave When first we practise to deceive!"
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- You know who wrote that? - Yeah, it was...
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Aye.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Um...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Er...was it...? Yeah, thinking.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Er... - Walter Scott.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Walter Scott. - Yes.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22So, do you like poetry, Rick?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24- Yeah, yeah. - Do you?
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- What do you think of Rabbie Burns? - He's great.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Isn't he?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33What is it you most like about him?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Oh...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37You know, his, um...
0:17:37 > 0:17:40his use of language.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Mm-hm.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47What's your favourite poem of his?
0:17:48 > 0:17:53I...I prefer his earlier work, really.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55See, that sounds to me as if you're making it up.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58No, no. (CHUCKLES)
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Name one poem.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07Like I say, I really do prefer his...his earlier work.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Just one poem!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- You can't, can you? - No.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Oh, you're full of shite, you are. Why did you not just say so?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25There's no shame in it. I only went to school till I was 13.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I didn't know anything about poetry till I came in here.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29I had to fill my head with something.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33I told you, Rick, I don't like people who lie to me.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39(PHONE RINGS)
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Er...
0:18:42 > 0:18:43(PHONE RINGS)
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Yes?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Ah, Mr Stevenson. Where the hell's those pizzas?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53You do realise, in another five minutes, we get a pound off?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Uh-huh. Well, do you mind if we eat first and talk business later?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Oh, and Mr Stevenson... Seriously, no funny business.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Thank you.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06That's the governor. Pathetic creature.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Teetotal. Collects barometers.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11So, let's just run through this procedure one last time.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- We don't want any mistakes, do we? - No, quite.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18So, you will open the door, you will have a knife at your throat.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22You will extend your arms thus and receive the pizzas.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Got that?
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Go on, have a drop of wine, Rick. - Oh, no, I'm fine, thanks.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- You've only had a wee thimbleful, son. - Really, thanks.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Really?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35You'd think they'd have stretched to proper glasses under the circumstances.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Not quite the same, is it? - No, I've got a bottle, I've got a knife.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42What am I gonna do? Run riot with a crystal goblet? I don't think so.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- (CHUCKLES) No. - Like some nutter. (LAUGHS)
0:19:45 > 0:19:50"Stand back! I've got a wine glass and I'm not afraid to use it." (LAUGHS)
0:19:50 > 0:19:54- So, what's it like with all that, er...? - It's OK. I'm just not hungry, thanks.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Oh. Mind if I...? - Please do.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03Not bad.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I thought with all that stuff, I wasn't going to like it,
0:20:06 > 0:20:08but it's...it's OK.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Mm.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14So, have you done any television, then, Rick?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Me? Yeah, I've done... I've done loads.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Yeah? Do you think you ever might get your own show one day?
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- You know, hit the big time? - I...I have had my own TV show.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Seriously, cos I'm not being funny or anything,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32but, um...nobody in here had heard of you.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Well, it was quite a while ago.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Oh, so it was just the one series?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Yeah, I didn't like the channel, and the channel didn't...didn't...
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Er...we decided to go our separate ways, basically.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Come on, Rick, get real. Tell the truth, eh? If you were any good...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I'm not saying you're not, by the way. I'm not saying you're not.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55But if you were any good, you'd have made it by now, surely.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59No, it's not really... It doesn't really work like that. It's complicated.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00How's it complicated?
0:21:00 > 0:21:05Oh, well, it's just, you know, basically, when...
0:21:05 > 0:21:10The people at the top, for whatever reason, have...have got it in for me.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15So it's the...it's the people at the top? It's their fault?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- That's why you've never made it? - Pretty much, yeah.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- So it's a kind of conspiracy? - Exactly, yeah.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25So who are these people at the top that are keeping you down?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Oh, just...just people at the top, generally.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32No, no, I'm serious. This is important. Who are the people at the top?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Well, the...the channel controllers.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38But who's controlling them, Rick? Think about it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Who's controlling everything?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Everything? It's the...
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Well, the...the government? - They're just puppets. Higher.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49- The Queen? - No.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- America. - Higher.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Oh. God.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59No, no, not God. I mean, not God. Is it Google?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Not even close, Rick, not even close.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07It's the shape-shifting lizards.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Oh...
0:22:12 > 0:22:17Huh. I... Yeah, I was forgetting about them.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20There is an elite cabal of shape-shifting lizards
0:22:20 > 0:22:26who control every major government and every media network on the planet.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30- Shape-shifting lizards. - Yep.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33(CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah. That...that makes sense.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- I've been in touch with them. - With the lizards?
0:22:37 > 0:22:41I'm in communication with them 24/7, Rick.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Ah.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45I don't really have to be here, I don't have to be here in this prison.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49I could walk straight through that wall and away any time I want to.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51But I don't, and you know why?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Cos the lizards have asked me to stay here and spy.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- You see? Understand what I'm saying? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I...
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Uh-huh. You do believe me, don't you? - Definitely, yeah.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03No, when you put it like that, it all makes sense.
0:23:03 > 0:23:09No, no. Why? Why? You've lied to me. You've lied to me, haven't you?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12No, no, I do believe you. I do.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Why did you believe all that shite about lizards and walking through walls?
0:23:16 > 0:23:17You stupid prick!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I could tell from your eyes that you didn't believe me when I was telling you.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Why didn't you say something? Why did you lie to me, eh?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Well, because you've got a razor blade taped to a bit of wood.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34And I haven't.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Good point.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46It's not a level playing field, is it? I never thought of it that way.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50See, you told the truth there. That's a good thing, isn't it?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53That's a good thing. That's...that's refreshing.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55It's good that you told the truth. I can see a whole new side of you now.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Thank you. - Uh-huh.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Now, what do you really think about me now that you've dropped the bullshit?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Oh, can we talk about something else? - No, we can't.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I really want to know. Just tell me what you really think.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09You know about what I do and the drugs and what have you.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11- I don't know. - You do.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15All right. I suppose...
0:24:16 > 0:24:21...if I did...the things that you did, selling the drugs and things...
0:24:21 > 0:24:26- Mm-hm. - It's not particularly nice.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29It might be a bit, er...
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Go on.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36...I'd be ashamed.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Good. Good. You're being honest.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46You're absolutely right, of course.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48It's not a particularly pleasant thing to do.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51A lot of people would be extremely ashamed.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55But here's the problem. What if, deep, deep down, you really don't care?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04It still...it still doesn't make it right.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10That's good, that's good. Still being honest.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13You told me what you really thought.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16That's terrific. Really, really, really. You're all right, you are. You really are.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20When you're telling the truth, you are, when you're being an honest guy. Spot-on.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25So, why, ask yourself, Rick, why do you tell so many lies?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Why do you lie the whole time? - I don't know.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Cos...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I...I suppose...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38...I prefer life...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41...when it's my version.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47When something doesn't happen the way you want it to...
0:25:48 > 0:25:52...just say it did, and it's not so bad.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55It's just...it's the way I've always been.
0:25:57 > 0:26:01I...I remember at school when I was six, the Nativity play,
0:26:01 > 0:26:05er...I...I was cast as the sheep
0:26:05 > 0:26:11and I really wanted to be Joseph, but I...I was cast as a sheep.
0:26:11 > 0:26:15And, I...I don't know why, I went home and told my mum
0:26:15 > 0:26:18that I'd been asked to play the part of Joseph
0:26:18 > 0:26:21and...and she was... she was delighted,
0:26:21 > 0:26:25and...and for a couple of days, it felt great.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27But then for the next four weeks,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30I had to keep up the pretence that I was playing this lead role,
0:26:30 > 0:26:34and, er...I even rehearsed his lines in front of her and...and everything.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Anyway, a few days before the play,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41obviously, I had to tell her that I wasn't gonna be playing Joseph after all,
0:26:41 > 0:26:47so I...I said I'd swapped with a boy who was playing a sheep,
0:26:47 > 0:26:52because his pet sheep had died and he didn't like being reminded of it.
0:26:56 > 0:27:01I was doing a gig in this particular club in the middle of this Butlins-type place,
0:27:01 > 0:27:05and I'd...I'd completely forgotten that when I'd rung the manager to get the gig,
0:27:05 > 0:27:09I had said that I do pyrotechnics in my act.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Er...again, a lie.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I...I don't know why I said it.
0:27:13 > 0:27:19Er...probably to make him think it was the kind of act he would like to have.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Just to make him like me, I suppose.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Anyway, about an hour before the show,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30this health-and-safety bloke turned up at the...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07(CREAKING)
0:28:12 > 0:28:14(CREAKING)
0:28:45 > 0:28:49# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain... #
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Basically, it was just a matter of calming him down,
0:28:53 > 0:28:56and then I seized my moment, overpowered him,
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- and escaped. - So, was there an actual fight, Rick?
0:28:59 > 0:29:03Obviously, I...I can't go into much detail, but, um...
0:29:05 > 0:29:07- Can you tell us about the weird pizza? - Yeah.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09I...I don't know why he ordered all that stuff on it.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12I think he was just nervous, to be fair.
0:29:12 > 0:29:16I...I just ordered my usual American Hot with extra mushrooms.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19- So, have you spoken to your wife yet? - She's not actually my wife.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23We just live together, cos it's, er...