0:00:02 > 0:00:05Hey, Michael. Guess where they asked Rick to do his comedy class.
0:00:05 > 0:00:06- Go on.- Belford Prison.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Oh, that is hilarious! In prison?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11I thought that was a really encouraging start.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Right, back off, or I'll cut him. ALARM RINGS
0:00:13 > 0:00:18Anybody so much as touches this door without my say-so, laughing boy gets it!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20- You gonna take me on? - Oh, no. No, no, not at all.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24They won't let me have a chess set in my cell.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26That's what this is about?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- Where's the harm in telling the truth?- Just tell the truth.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Not fancy a pizza?
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Why do you tell so many lies? Why do you lie the whole time?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35I prefer life...
0:00:36 > 0:00:38..when it's my version.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I remember at school, when I was six,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43the Nativity play, I...I was cast as the sheep.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Basically it was a...a matter of calming him down
0:00:50 > 0:00:54and then I seized my moment, overpowered him and escaped.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56So, was there an actual fight, Rick?
0:00:56 > 0:01:01Obviously I...I can't go into too much detail, but, um...
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Now, with me in the studio is comedian Rick Spleen,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07who, of course, himself earlier this week
0:01:07 > 0:01:09was held hostage in the Belford Prison siege. First of all, Rick,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11glad to see you're safe and well.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Yeah, thanks very much, Simon. I'm very glad to be here.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17It was quite an ordeal, as you can imagine. Basically, what happened...
0:01:17 > 0:01:20So, tell me, exactly what will the hostages be going through right now?
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Oh, them.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Um...well, they'll be going through a whole different range of emotions.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28I mean, I know exactly how they will be feeling.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Um...confused, disorientated, frightened.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Were you frightened?- I... I wasn't personally frightened, no.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37But the important thing is... is to remain calm
0:01:37 > 0:01:40and, er...keep looking out for that one moment,
0:01:40 > 0:01:45er...when you can overpower your captor, like I did.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46Yes, but, from what you've seen,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48aren't these hostages in a far more dangerous situation?
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Not really, no.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51As unpleasant as your experience must have been...
0:01:51 > 0:01:52More than unpleasant.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56I mean, don't forget I was held at knifepoint in...in the prison library.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Yes, but with respect, these people are being held
0:01:59 > 0:02:02by a heavily armed group of radical extremists somewhere in the Somali desert.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Yep, yep, they are.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08But this... this bloke was from Glasgow.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Right.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14So, er...what would you think the chances are that we'll see a resolution?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30# I wanna get high
0:02:30 > 0:02:34# But I really can't take the pain... #
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"Prison Siege Comic." Is that what I have to call you now?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39I know. It's embarrassing.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42They're just milking it, trying to keep the story going.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45"Rick Spleen's top ten prison pizza toppings."
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Ten? I gave them 20.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Did I tell you they asked me to host The Brave Britain Awards?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Yes, you have mentioned that.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53You don't seem that pleased about it?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I am. It's just that one of my clients was going to be presenting it
0:02:56 > 0:02:58before you were parachuted in.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Oh, was he? Who was it? Was it Dan Arrow-Smith?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- I can't say.- Oh, right.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05He wouldn't have been right for it. No life experience.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09What's the worst thing that's happened to him? "Someone bumped into my punt."
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- He was brought up in a children's home.- Oh, so it was Dan, yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15No, they made the right choice. These are brave people.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- They need someone they can relate to.- Right.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Channel 4 called. They want me to be in this celebrity survival thing -
0:03:20 > 0:03:24live in the wild, find your own water, eat plants, that kind of stuff.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Wow, where's that?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28I don't know. Some wood in Surrey. But it's for a whole week.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I guess they think, after what I've been through, I can survive anything.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33And you know what? They're probably right.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Well, you'd better not let them film you sleeping.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- What? Why... Why not? - You've been talking a lot in your sleep.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Have I?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- What sort of things have I been saying?- "Help. Don't hurt me."
0:03:46 > 0:03:47That kind of thing.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52It's probably post-traumatic stress syndrome. It's very common, I expect.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Have you seen this one? Huh!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58They call me Houdini in this one, look.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Houdini.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Me.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Anyway, so you walk out on stage and...
0:04:04 > 0:04:10Ah, I don't know. Good evening, everybody. Welcome to the Brave Britain Awards.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Wait, let me get this down. This is comedy gold.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- If only we'd known. - Known what?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17All the years you spent doing gigs,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19and all it took was some guy to hold a knife to your throat
0:04:19 > 0:04:22and threaten to kill you, which, by the way, is not an original thought,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25and next thing you know, you're in all the papers.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It was a very serious incident.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33That's why they asked me on the news as a consultant yesterday,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35because I've been there, I've been through it.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37You were on the news again? I missed that.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39There you are, you see.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Those two guys kidnapped in Malaysia.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Naturally, the BBC called on me for my knowledge.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Thought it was Somalia. - That's what I meant.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I keep getting mixed up like that.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Mel says it's classic post-traumatic stress syndrome.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Oh, that'll explain it.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53The thing is, when it mattered, I stayed calm,
0:04:53 > 0:04:58dealt with the situation... instead of cacking myself like you would have.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59Mm, right.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- What?- No, it's just...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04one of the newspapers said that the guy fell asleep
0:05:04 > 0:05:07and you crept out on your tippy-toes.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Course I did.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- You know why, don't you? - Cos that's what happened.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15No, because that's what he's been saying - Donald.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18He can't have the whole prison knowing I overpowered him. He'd be dead meat.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- You haven't been in there. I have. - So how did you overpower him?
0:05:21 > 0:05:25I mean, he's a big guy. Why don't you get up and show me how you did it?
0:05:25 > 0:05:31I wish I could. Only thing is - Official Secrets Act, which they made me sign.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Sorry. Home Office insisted.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37HE SIGHS
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Well, if the Home Office insists...
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Ah. Lot of pictures and things people have said about you.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- You could put it that way, yeah. - So he's tried to kill you, this man?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Several times, yes, but I defeated him eventually.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56But how, if he's madman with knife and you are clown?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Comedian. Well, you'll just have to read about it in my book when it comes out.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- You are writing book about this? - Very probably, yes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Oh, what is...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- ..How-dini? - Houdini. He was a very famous,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10very clever escape artist.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Please?- Escape artist.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17He was a stage act and people would come and tie him up in chains and padlocks
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and put him in a trunk and throw him in rivers
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and all sorts, and he'd always escape.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Where can I see How-dini?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Houdini. You can't now, cos he's dead.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Oh.- Sorry about that.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30So, how did How-dini...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Um, who...who did Hou...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36How did...How...Houdini...
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- How did Houdini die?- Yes.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I have no idea.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52BIRDSONG
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Oh, I can't tell you how good this feels.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Fresh air, sound of the birds. It is the little things you get to appreciate.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03HORN BLARES MAN: Rick!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Get that a lot these days.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08It is Rick they're shouting...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Yes, yes, Rick. My name.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- One mushroom risotto. And for you, sir?- I'll have...
0:07:14 > 0:07:19- A-ha! The hero returneth. - I don't know about that, but...yeah.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Your usual table, Rick. Well done. The prison siege thing!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Oh, yeah, cheers.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28In fact, I wasn't gonna tell you this, it was gonna be a surprise, but...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I'm going to name a sandwich after you.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Oh. Oh, well... No, it's a good idea.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- The Egg & Spleen Bap. - Oh, would you mind?
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Um...thought a photo would be good,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42of the two of us together. I'll put it in the window.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Yeah, yeah, OK. - Would you do the honours, Marty?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47My pleasure.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Oh, that's nice. Now, how does this thing work?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Just press that button on the top, I expect.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Which button? - The one on the top.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Which one? - That one there, just...
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, this one. This is a nice camera.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- Yeah, just take the photo, Marty. - OK.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08And...smile.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10There we go. Is that OK? You look a bit tense.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12That's fine. That's how I meant to look.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Excuse me! - Yes, in a minute!
0:08:15 > 0:08:20- So, come on, tell me all about it. - Oh, there's not much to tell.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Like it says in the papers, I overpowered him, and that's pretty much it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Yeah, but how? I mean, he's a big bloke.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- How did you do it? - Can't really go into detail.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29It's, er...it's still quite raw.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- I mean, say this is him. - Er...yeah, Michael....
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- So, he's got you like this. - Michael, I wouldn't actually do that.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Gimme my chess set noo! He was Scottish?- Yeah, he was.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Give me my chess set! - Michael! Michael!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- Get off me. Get off. - Michael!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.- No, you...you didn't scare me.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I was just worried that I'd go into a flashback and actually really hurt you.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54You know, just spontaneous. I could have done that, like that, right in your eye.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56So that's why I'm not supposed to talk about it.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Fair enough, I was just curious.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I could have really hurt you. You be careful around me.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I'll get your coffees.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07That was impressive, seeing you in action.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10What is that? Was that, er... fork-jitsu or something?
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Just shut up, would you?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- Busy? - Yeah. Yeah.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Ben's looking for a flat. - Oh, yeah? Good for you, Ben. Any luck?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Er...no, not really.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34He phoned them up and they asked all these questions.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Have you got a job? - Have you got any references?
0:09:36 > 0:09:40- Can you afford to pay the deposit? - Ben's like, "What's it to you?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I keep telling them I'm just looking for a place to doss, not a load of hassle.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Yeah, and what did they say to that? - They just hang up.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Oh, that's rude. So what are you gonna do? Keep looking?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51No, I'll probably just, um...just give up.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- Oh. And just hang around here? - Yeah, might do, yeah.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57No, but the thing is, Dad, Ben likes to have his own space.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Does he?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Yeah, well, I... I know all about that.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You know, when I was held hostage.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Oh, yeah. - What's this?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- When I was held hostage. - I haven't heard about this.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Yeah, I texted you.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- I thought that was a wind-up. - No, I was taken hostage.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Bloody hell. They kept that quiet, didn't they?
0:10:15 > 0:10:19Well, no, not really, they didn't. It's all over the papers.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23- Mm. - Oh, yeah, look at that.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27So what happened, then? Did you, er... Did you get out?
0:10:32 > 0:10:36No, I mean, did...you know, did they pay a ransom or whatever?
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- They didn't have to. I overpowered him.- Cool.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Basically what happened is... - DOORBELL RINGS
0:10:42 > 0:10:44..I waited and, you know, he turned his back, he had a knife...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- That's the doorbell. - ..and not very nice one either.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- You should probably get that. - I took my moment
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- and got him in a headlock. - Doorbell.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- DOORBELL RINGS - Yes, yes. All right.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Oh, hello, Rick. Sorry to bother you. Have you got a minute?
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Not really, no. I'm in a meeting. It's quite important.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Well done, by the way. The old prison siege.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Oh, yeah.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I did what I had to in a situation like that.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- And the rest, I hope.- What?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09You know, when he was down and the wardens piled in.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Hope you got in there with a nice... Oof!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14It wasn't quite like that, but...
0:11:14 > 0:11:16More's the pity, eh?
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Huh! Scumbag!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21No, what it is, it's just a courtesy thing, really.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- Right. - Yeah, I've decided my mother needs
0:11:23 > 0:11:25a ramp up to the front door
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- for accessibility purposes.- Oh, yeah?
0:11:27 > 0:11:31So, strictly speaking, you need planning permission for this sort of thing,
0:11:31 > 0:11:32so, naturally, I've applied.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35So I'm just going round letting everybody know,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38just so there aren't any objections or that kind of thing.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39I see.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Just thought I'd keep you in the picture.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44And, as I say, well done.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Yeah, this...this ramp.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49What...what sort of ramp?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Well, it's just a standard disability ramp and handrail for access to the front door.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Yeah. What...what's it gonna be made of?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Well, they're normally made of, er...concrete
0:11:58 > 0:12:01with a galvanised iron handrail to one side.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Why? Is it...is it a problem?
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Oh, I'm not sure it sounds all that nice, you know, to look at.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Well, it's not supposed to look particularly nice, Rick.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12It's a much-needed mobility aid for my mother.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Mm, so you say.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17But if you go and put one in, someone else might want one,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20then someone else will put one of those chairlifts in.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Before you know it, the whole street will look like a theme park.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Eh? Are you actually saying you object?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- Well, you'll get skateboarders. - I can't believe I'm hearing this.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Why on earth would you object to a ramp for my mother?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Why on earth would you object to our top-floor window when we applied?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Oh! I see.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I see what this is about. Yes. Petty revenge.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- No, it's not petty.- That was an entirely different matter.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Your proposed window was totally out of keeping with the street.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51This is a conservation area, Rick.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Exactly, which is why you can't go putting concrete ramps all over the place.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58One. One single ramp.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00There will be one ramp up to the front door
0:13:00 > 0:13:02so she can get in and out of the house.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Can't she use a couple of planks or something?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06She's 85, Rick.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You haven't heard the last of this.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21# Most kind of stories
0:13:22 > 0:13:26# Save the best part for last
0:13:28 > 0:13:33# Most stories have a hero who finds
0:13:33 > 0:13:37# You make your past your past
0:13:39 > 0:13:42# Yeah, you make your past your past
0:13:44 > 0:13:47# It's a brand-new day
0:13:48 > 0:13:53# The sun is shining, it's a brand-new day
0:13:54 > 0:14:01# For the first time in such a long, long time
0:14:01 > 0:14:03# I know
0:14:05 > 0:14:07# I'll be OK
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# It's a brand-new day
0:14:17 > 0:14:20# It's a brand-new day... #
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Did you tell Clive you're going to object to his mother's wheelchair ramp?
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Too bloody right. He wants to turn the whole street into Alton Towers.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- But she needs a wheelchair ramp! - Yeah, and I needed a top-floor window.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47I knew there'd be a reason.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Why shouldn't I be allowed to alter the roof of my own house?
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I'm glad they stopped you. It's not as if your passion for astronomy lasted.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Yeah, thanks to Clive. - And the planning department.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Yeah, well, they're no better. Bastards.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01You can't deny an old lady access to her own home.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Well, we'll just have to agree to differ on that.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Maybe don't mention that at the Brave Britain Awards.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Oh, and Ben and Sam want to come. - To the awards?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Mm.- Great. The more, the merrier.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I'm glad you said that.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Oh, God.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I'm very excited.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Mel has invited me to Brave Britain Awards.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Yeah, I know. She told me.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43I'm...I'm looking forward to coming to Brave Britain Awards.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Good.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52What is Brave Britain Awards?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Well, it's awards for people who've been brave...
0:15:57 > 0:15:58in Britain.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00How have they been brave?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02All sorts of ways. I mean, these are really heroic people.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04That's why they've asked me to host it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- What have they done? - I don't know.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10It could be they've survived an accident or recovered from some terrible illness.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13But this is not brave. This is just lucky.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14- DOOR CLOSES - I'll point that out, shall I?
0:16:14 > 0:16:19- Yes, I think... - Dad, is there an A-Z in here?
0:16:19 > 0:16:20Er...no, I don't think so.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Do you know where Eastleigh Road is, then?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- Why? Have you found a flat? - Yeah, might have done.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Yeah, Ben's been invited to a party. - And then I thought I might stay on.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- What, and live there?- Yeah, just until the owner gets back.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Yeah, he's gone on a business trip or something.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Sounds perfect.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- So, are you looking forward to tonight?- Tonight?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- The awards. - It's Brave Britain Awards.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41All right, thank you, Magda.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43It's for people who have been brave in Britain.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- I can tell her. - Who have had accident.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- Not just accidents.- They are given prize for having illness.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50They're awards. Anyway, it could be anything.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- Is that tonight, then? - Yeah, Mum said you were coming.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Yeah, no, we are. - So, you're getting an award?
0:16:55 > 0:16:58No, Ben, I'm giving them out. I'm hosting the whole evening.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Are you telling jokes and that?- Yes.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03You are going to be telling jokes about people with illness?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Not about people with... - That could be well dodgy.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- I'm not...- Could go down like a cup of cold sick.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- It won't. - And then you might never work again.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11It will be like back to before.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Good. Well, thanks for the pep talk.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You are gonna kill with these.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25You know it got over seven million viewers last year?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I know. Makes a change from the usual roomful
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- of drunken air-con salesmen, doesn't it?- Those days are over for me, Marty.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33- This is good stuff. - It's comedy gold, man.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- I might even improvise. - Please don't.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38There you go.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- What's this?- Your sandwich.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I didn't order a sandwich.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46- The one in your honour. - Oh! Oh, I see. Oh, thanks, Michael.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Yes, the Rick Spleen Baguette.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51- Hope you enjoy it. - I will. What's in it?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Well, it's an artisan baguette with chicken,
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- lettuce, mustard, mayo... - Chicken. Did you say chicken?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Yes, is there a problem with that? - Chicken.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Cluck, cluck! - Oh, chicken.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Doesn't exactly say "brave", does it?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07What was I thinking? Oh, well, I suppose I could change it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- If you would. - How inappropriate.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Mind you, one of the papers did say the prisoner fell asleep
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- and then you sneaked out. - Yep, well, that's not what happened.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I thought, "Rick's not been doing his act for him, has he?"
0:18:19 > 0:18:21You were doing your act and he fell asleep. "Have you ever noticed..."
0:18:21 > 0:18:24HE SNORES Can we get two coffees, Michael?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Sure, coming right up.
0:18:27 > 0:18:33Just think. If it all goes well tonight, we can afford to eat somewhere else.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34We?
0:18:40 > 0:18:44# Do not stumble through tonight
0:18:44 > 0:18:46# Have no fear of falling
0:18:49 > 0:18:53# And if nobody got lost
0:18:53 > 0:18:57# And if no-one paid the cost
0:18:57 > 0:19:05# The price of this, you may surmise is forever after
0:19:05 > 0:19:08# We won't stumble through tonight
0:19:08 > 0:19:12# Drowning in their laughter... #
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Welcome to the Brave Britain Awards.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Great catering tonight, by the way. So much better than prison food.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19HE MIMICS APPLAUSE
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Yeah, I know, I know. It's the last time I visit my dad in jail.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23HE MIMICS APPLAUSE
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Please, please sit down.
0:19:25 > 0:19:26HE MIMICS APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Ha-ha. Er...
0:19:27 > 0:19:28HE MIMICS APPLAUSE
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- That looks nice. - Oh, cheers, it's yours.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I know.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Hey, Magda, you ever wear your mother's clothes?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47No, she's huge, my mother.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51- How huge is...?- Ben.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57- You think we should give Dad a call? - He'll probably be rehearsing.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Oh, he's a pro. He doesn't need to rehearse.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02But one sad piece of news, ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06is that Donald Innis, my captor, can't be with us tonight because he's a pyscho!
0:20:06 > 0:20:07HE MIMICS APPLAUSE
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Yeah, he's locked up like he ought to be.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10About ten minutes, Rick.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Yeah, thank you.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20He's bound to be nervous. It's the biggest gig he's ever done.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- Biggest gig he's ever been to. - So, is, like, all the beer free?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Yeah, and food, and Dad said there's, like, goody bags.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30What have happened to you?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- Wow, nice place. - Yes. Difficult to clean, I think.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Hello, Rick.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Oh, bloody hell. Clive!
0:21:00 > 0:21:01What are you doing here?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Got a couple of tickets for me and my mother.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Thought we'd come and cheer you along.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Oh, yeah, look, if... if this is about the ramp,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- I was only joking, I...- Oh, good.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Well, in that case, you won't mind, er...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20signing this statement to say you have no objections.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Yeah, I haven't got time for that now.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Or would you rather I got up in front of the TV cameras
0:21:24 > 0:21:28and said a few words about our hero Rick
0:21:28 > 0:21:31and how he's making an 85-year-old woman's life a misery?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34A couple of friends for you at stage door.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Great. Thanks. Be right there.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I'd better go.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Ah, but we haven't finished our little chat, have we?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Maybe we could discuss it in private.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48We can discuss it whenever you like.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- But I won't back down.- No.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58DOOR CREAKS
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Oh, very nice.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Grapes.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Wine. Huh.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Got a couple of friends for you at stage door, Rick?
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- Pretty well looked after, aren't we? - Yeah, I know.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Anyway, what I need from you is this signed.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Oh!
0:22:18 > 0:22:20What do you think you're playing at?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24BANGING Rick! Rick! Rick! Let me out of here!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26BANGING Let me out! Rick!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Help yourself to tea and coffee.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Rick!
0:22:34 > 0:22:39But he is not brave. He did not decide to have helicopter crash.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Yeah, well, I think it's more about how he got over it than...
0:22:42 > 0:22:47But he did not get over it, because when I say this to him, he's get very angry.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Still, I think it's probably best if you don't ask him any more questions.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- And then he's crying.- Yeah.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Is there any more beer? - Ladies and gentlemen...
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Shall we go look for him? - Might be nice to wish him good luck.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Yeah.- Sweetheart, we're gonna go and see Dad.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05- So, is everything OK? - Yeah, brilliant.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I've put your friends in the green room. Hope that's all right.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Thanks, as long as they don't drink all the beer.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Ha-ha. Well, if I can call on you in two minutes to get miked up...
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Yeah, no worries.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18So you got here all right, then?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20GLASGOW ACCENT: Hello, Rick. DOOR SLAMS
0:23:23 > 0:23:25We've got a message.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27From Donald.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Ah, here he is.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- More friends. You are popular. - Hi.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Are you OK?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46What's up? Don't be nervous, man, it's a great script.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48I can't use it.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51What's happened?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Donald sent someone to see me.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55- When was this?- Just now.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Two of them waiting for me in the green room.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Well, what does he want?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He wants me to tell the truth on stage.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08How do you mean, the truth?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11About what happened in prison.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16About how I overpowered him, or rather how I didn't overpower him.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19He fell asleep. I knew it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I've got to go out there and humiliate myself in front of everyone.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- Again.- Marty.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the mood. Sorry.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- What are you going to do? - I don't know.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Look, just drop all the stuff about Donald and the siege.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37It's all about Donald and the siege. You know it is.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Well...- I've had it.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Either I go up on stage and die,
0:24:43 > 0:24:45..or...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Ladies and gentlemen, 30 seconds to air.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58Where is television camera so I can wave to my sister Agatha?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- I wouldn't do that.- But she will be watching on television.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Yeah, still, might be a bit wrong, I think.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- I'm not sure I can watch. - Me neither.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09What's he gonna do?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- DRUM ROLL AND TRUMPETS - Oh, man.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Will you please welcome this year's Brave Britain Awards host,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Mr Rick Spleen!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:20 > 0:25:23MUSIC: "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for that.
0:25:35 > 0:25:41Oh, thank you very much. Great catering tonight. So much better than...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Er...
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Um...
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Er...
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Er...ladies...ladies and gentlemen.
0:25:56 > 0:26:02Before we...before we get under way, I...I've got something rather serious to say
0:26:02 > 0:26:09about my recent experience in the Belford Prison siege.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Um...
0:26:11 > 0:26:16many of you will have read in the papers that I was a hero and...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19I overpowered my captor, Donald Innis.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22But, er...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24HE SNORTS
0:26:24 > 0:26:26..the truth is...
0:26:26 > 0:26:31I just told him my life story and he was so bored he fell asleep.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- LAUGHTER - No, it's not funny.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Do you really think I could win a fight with a murderer from Glasgow?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- LAUGHTER - No.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I'm serious. Don't laugh. He'll have me killed.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:50And by the way, it was me who ordered that disgusting pizza.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54I couldn't help it. I just kept ordering different things.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- That was so funny. - Yeah, nice one.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- Yeah, awesome, Dad.- Yeah, cheers.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- Now I know you are funny clown. - Comedian. But thanks anyway, Magda.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08You knocked it out of the park, man. I should not write for you more often.
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Well, the truth is funny.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Rick, can we have a few questions?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Yeah, sure. Maybe one at a time and I'll try and...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- Sorry to gatecrash the party! - Oh, no.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- This is my mother. - Oh, Clive, not now.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- She's 85 years old. - Clive, they don't want to know.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Sorry about this. He's just...stalker.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27And I've spent the last two hours locked in his dressing room.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Just ignore him.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- I made an application to the Council. - No-one likes him. Clive...
0:27:32 > 0:27:35They don't want to know. Let's talk about it later, can we?
0:27:35 > 0:27:39- Do you want to know the truth? - Listen, can we just talk about this...
0:27:39 > 0:27:42This man is trying to stop my mother from having a ramp...
0:28:15 > 0:28:20# I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain
0:28:21 > 0:28:27# Cos it will blow away my soul like a hurricane... #