0:00:02 > 0:00:05Welcome to the show that gives people like me, Richard from Barnet,
0:00:05 > 0:00:07a chance to appear on something other than Crimewatch.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Don't look at me, you said it.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13I wrote it. Roll titles.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38CHEERING
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Hello!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Good evening.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54A big round of applause for my house choir, The Gospel Honest Truth.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Don't worry about them getting hot under the studio lights -
0:00:59 > 0:01:02they're naked under those robes.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06The show that not only has amazing celebrity guests,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09but also gives you, the audience, a chance to star.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11AUDIENCE: Wooo!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Tonight, we're over the moon, it's Henry Winkler!
0:01:14 > 0:01:18APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:18 > 0:01:21He's Alfie Moon, it's Shane Richie.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:25 > 0:01:27We've got stand-up from the brilliant Milton Jones.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:32 > 0:01:34And an exclusive performance from The Feeling,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36featuring Sophie Ellis-Bextor.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:41 > 0:01:45Sadly there were some people we weren't able to cast for the show this week.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47We couldn't get US Open winner Rory McIlroy.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Rory was supposed to be here tonight,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51but he was trying to beat Tiger Woods' other record.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53He's got nine holes left.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Oh, buckle in, it gets worse than that!
0:01:57 > 0:02:01He dedicated his win to his father by saying happy Fathers' Day.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Cheers, Rory. Thanks for making the presents we all gave look rubbish.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09My dad was very disappointed with his pair of socks and 2004 Top Gear annual.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Cheryl Cole hasn't been able to join the cast this week.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15If rumours are to be believed,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17she's too busy getting back together with Ashley.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Many papers reported that they spent the night together,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- or as I like to call it, the X-- BLEEP- -tor.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25GROANING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Apparently Cheryl thinks that Ashley is the only one that really understands her.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36A sentiment shared by over 310 million Americans.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40She would have been back home a lot earlier from America,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42but the check-in girl at LA International thought,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45"Ganning hooom," was in South East Asia.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Cheryl was worried about whether she'd be able to trust Ashley
0:02:49 > 0:02:54but luckily his mates John Terry and Ryan Giggs have vouched for him.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56APPLAUSE
0:02:56 > 0:03:00We also couldn't cast anyone from the Leicestershire police force.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02They've been too busy cleaning up after a lorry crashed,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05shedding its load of After Eight mints.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07It's a true story, here's the picture.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11A spokesman for the Two Ronnies said,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13"Why couldn't this have happened 35 years ago?"
0:03:13 > 0:03:16But it has happened, so strap in, I've got 20 minutes on this!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Apparently the driver ran away from the scene
0:03:20 > 0:03:25but the police mixed up the description of the driver with the description of the evidence.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30So they're now looking for a man who's dark, wafer thin and has a small black jacket.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Quite sweet that, isn't it?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37The crash happened at 7.45pm but police told locals
0:03:37 > 0:03:40they weren't allowed to touch the evidence for at least 15 minutes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Police described road conditions as delicious and said the driver was
0:03:44 > 0:03:47inexperienced because he was more used to handling a Double Decker.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55But luckily we have been able to cast you, the studio audience.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:03And tonight, I'm looking for one of you to have a starring role in my sketch later in the show.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I'm after a face that stands out from the crowd and the emotion
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I'm looking for you to portray this week is that of evil.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Think of your motivation because I'll be asking you
0:04:11 > 0:04:14what's the most evil thing you've ever done.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18In my case, I strapped a rabbit to a chair and forced it to watch Watership Down.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22So... I'm joking.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25It was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28So, everyone, prepare to reveal your best evil face.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Three...
0:04:30 > 0:04:31Two...
0:04:31 > 0:04:32One...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Evil!
0:04:37 > 0:04:41The best argument yet for scrapping high-definition telly.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Some great evil faces there. OK, let's have a look at some of you.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54That looks like evil constipation.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- What's your name?- Brian May.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- Brian May?- Yeah.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02What's your evil story Brian May?
0:05:02 > 0:05:09- What is was, we'd just given birth to our second child.- Have we?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13And my wife was in the kitchen making up the bottles
0:05:13 > 0:05:17and I was in the living room cradling the baby
0:05:17 > 0:05:20and I saw a doll on the sofa.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23So I put the baby down and picked up the doll,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26walked into the kitchen, pretended to trip over...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:31The doll fell on the floor and then all hell broke loose.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36That's evil!
0:05:36 > 0:05:37APPLAUSE
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Just out of interest, seeing as you're called Brian May,
0:05:41 > 0:05:45were you not tempted to sing Another One Bites The Dust as you did it?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Let's have a look at another face.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51There he is, Internet dating's biggest ever challenge.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56- What's your name?- Carl. - And what was your motivation?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Last year at college, me and a few mates took a chlamydia test.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03And one of my mates left his mobile phone,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05so I saved my number in his phone as NHS.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07When we all got our results, I texted him saying,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"After further analysis of your sample,
0:06:09 > 0:06:12"I'm sorry to tell you you've got chlamydia."
0:06:12 > 0:06:15And he told his mum and booked an appointment at the clinic.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20APPLAUSE
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I love that you're clapping that, "That's great, a brilliant idea."
0:06:24 > 0:06:27I like that your student days are daytrips to the chlamydia centre.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30We just did Alton Towers.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Admittedly when we got back we had a test for chlamydia!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Let's have a look at another evil face.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I said evil, not Elvis.
0:06:39 > 0:06:45- Hello, what's your name?- Amanda. - What was your motivation?
0:06:45 > 0:06:52I used to work for a nasty guy who didn't like fingers where he was going to drink his coffee from.
0:06:52 > 0:06:58One day I made him a coffee and he shouted at me to take it away and remake it.
0:06:58 > 0:07:04I took it back to the kitchen and rather than make him a fresh one, I licked the rim of the coffee cup
0:07:04 > 0:07:07and gave it back to him. APPLAUSE
0:07:07 > 0:07:13I don't think I've ever heard a story so disgusting and yet where everyone else is on your side.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18- Don't worry, in my house that counts as washing-up. - LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Now, got to make our decision. It's Amanda. Let's hear it for Amanda!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25APPLAUSE
0:07:25 > 0:07:30We'll see more of Amanda later. Shall we meet the guests?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34# Baby, I like it The way you move on the floor
0:07:34 > 0:07:39# Baby, I like it, come on and give me some more, baby, I like it. #
0:07:40 > 0:07:43They wouldn't like it if they really knew what I did on the floor.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:49For tonight's star guests, words are not necessary.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51For the first, I just have to do this.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56For the second, I just have to do this.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:01It's Henry Winkler and Shane Richie!
0:08:01 > 0:08:05APPLAUSE
0:08:05 > 0:08:08THEY SING "Bad Boys" by Alexandra Burke
0:08:26 > 0:08:29APPLAUSE
0:08:34 > 0:08:36So, did you see our evil faces back there?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40- Scary.- I did.- You both look too innocent for evil.
0:08:40 > 0:08:47- No, there's something I did on Monday which was really bad. - How bad is this going to be?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50This is what happened. I play a character called Alfie,
0:08:50 > 0:08:53and I'm sitting in this municipal Jacuzzi,
0:08:53 > 0:08:59and this bloke goes, "Oi, Alfie! Alfie!" One of them.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04He gets in, invades my space, sat next to me, got his arm round me,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08he's going, "My missus loves you, but I think you're a bit of a knob."
0:09:08 > 0:09:12He's going, "See my missus, she loves Coronation Street."
0:09:12 > 0:09:15At that point, I just started having a pee.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:23I'm in a Jacuzzi, and he's giving it all that. "It's not proper, is it?"
0:09:23 > 0:09:27At that point he went like that, "It's good in here, innit?"
0:09:27 > 0:09:31I felt so good getting out of that Jacuzzi.
0:09:31 > 0:09:37I'm reluctant to tell my anecdote, cos my anecdote was about going to this Jacuzzi on Monday,
0:09:37 > 0:09:43- I was a bit drunk, and I met that Alfie Moon fella from EastEnders! - LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:47We were talking about the vibe on the show, with you coming in...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Thank you.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55People have been really excited about you coming in, and it's such an iconic character you play.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00- You must have some crazy fans. - First of all, I loved playing the Fonz.
0:10:00 > 0:10:05I did. People want your autograph and figure, "I don't know if I'm getting the opportunity again."
0:10:05 > 0:10:11I could be in a men's room, and they will open the stall.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- No, come on. Have they done that? - Oh, absolutely.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Bit of advice - lock the door.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- LAUGHTER - I did. They used the coat hanger.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- They are obsessive fans. - Have you got strange fans? - This is what I get.
0:10:25 > 0:10:31I've been doing a tour recently, and I got sent something at least four times at different theatres.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I would say this is reasonably crazy.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35I was sent a mask, right.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Now... Who of, you wonder?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Me.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44- LAUGHTER - Why would anybody send a mask of me to me?
0:10:44 > 0:10:45How old is that mask?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Hold on! They've taken out a few lines on that, haven't they?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- Look at that!- You cheeky git! What?!
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Yes!
0:10:53 > 0:10:58- Have a bit of sympathy. This is when I didn't used to have any eyes. - LAUGHTER
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Have one each. Have one of them.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- I said... - LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Can I just say, Henry, when I was a child, it was always a dream of mine to be the Fonz.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- How surreal is it that it's the other way round? - LAUGHTER
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Come on.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21MIMICS LEE MACK: You all right, love, how'd you fancy, you all right?
0:11:21 > 0:11:25If people are tuning in now, they must be going, "I'm having a breakdown."
0:11:25 > 0:11:29You're probably better off taking it off at some point, Henry.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It's going to be weird if we do the whole night like this.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I have thoroughly enjoyed my new face.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39- LAUGHTER - It's a nice look. Don't worry, you can keep it.- Thank you!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You don't want it. You not letting yours go?
0:11:42 > 0:11:47No, I want to scare the shit out of me children when I see them later. LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:53- Henry, what are you doing in the UK? - I've written 12 children's novels.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Yes, there it is.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58And this is... The character is called Hank Zipzer.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00The character is me.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05- He is learning-challenged, like I am.- You're learning-challenged?
0:12:05 > 0:12:11I am. I was bad in English, math, spelling, history, science.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- I was great at lunch. - LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:21- Isn't that just all Americans? - I'm in the bottom three percent in the country academically in America.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22- Is that true?- It's true.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- Talking of books, Henry, I would like to give you a book.- OK.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- You are a big fan of fly-fishing, aren't you?- I am. I love to fly-fish.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34As a matter of fact, I just wrote my first adult book,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37which is called I Never Met An Idiot On The River.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Wait till I start fishing.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Shane, I'm guessing you know jack about fly-fishing.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46You say that...and you're right. LAUGHTER
0:12:46 > 0:12:50Anyone in the audience know anything about fly-fishing? No.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Henry's the only man who knows here. Here's the challenge. I can ask you a question about fly-fishing
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- that everyone in the audience will know, and you will not know.- OK.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Want to take the challenge?- Yes.
0:13:01 > 0:13:07I have in my hand Britain's most famous book on fly-fishing.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:10 > 0:13:16The question, for the book, name the author.
0:13:17 > 0:13:23- It really is the most famous book. - Everyone knows it.- You all know?
0:13:23 > 0:13:24AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28OK, can I just...
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Could you just whisper who it is?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42OK, ask me the question.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Who won the FA Cup in 1979?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49I know the answer.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54- What's the answer?- JR Hartley.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57It's your book! J R Hartley.
0:13:57 > 0:14:03Now, I always want to know, who are you star-struck by?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Rock stars.- Rock stars?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07I met Bruce Springsteen
0:14:07 > 0:14:10who I'd like to come back in my next life as.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14And I kissed his wife's hand and then I kissed his hand.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20And then I thought to myself "What did you just do?"
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Talking of star-struck, you must have been star-struck
0:14:23 > 0:14:26when your uncle came into the Queen Vic?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- Oh, David Essex!- He's turned up to play your uncle recently.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Yeah, he's only been on screen for a couple of weeks.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36He's a great asset to the show.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40He set a trend, apparently... an exclusive,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43we have David Bowie starting in the chippy.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46# Would you like a saveloy, Alfie? #
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- I'm never star-struck. - I am always star-struck. I am star-struck tonight. Yes.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58When I looked at that.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Love you.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05That's wrong, isn't it? It's wrong when I get my wife to wear it.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08It's not just my questions,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12we've asked everyone what questions they wanted to ask you.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Here's my favourite. Nick Woodward from Oxford. Where are you?
0:15:14 > 0:15:20- I'm here.- Hi, Nick.- My idol... - Who are you looking at?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22What's your question?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28how attractive do you think I am?
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Do we all get a go?
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Am I allowed to get a closer look?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Let me see you, sir.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40How are you?
0:15:42 > 0:15:50- You want to know how attractive you are to me? Yes?- Go for it.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Two!
0:16:06 > 0:16:10It's that point in the evening where I introduce my very special stand-up guest.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Taking time out from his massive UK tour,
0:16:12 > 0:16:16please welcome the absolutely brilliant Milton Jones.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# Get up, stand up
0:16:19 > 0:16:21# Stand up for your right. #
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Good evening.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Recently I went Fell walking in the Lake District.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33It's not quite true. I fell walking in the Lake District.
0:16:33 > 0:16:39What else can I tell you? I own a small zoo. And a pirate ship.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Although not at the same time. I haven't got that much Lego.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47We think of pirates as being all smiley.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50It turns out they are all Somali.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Tricky, isn't it? You go to buy a toaster.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00The shop assistant says, "What about insurance?"
0:17:00 > 0:17:04And you don't want to, but you end up taking a hostage.
0:17:06 > 0:17:12My grandfather goes on about how in the old days people left their back doors open.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15It's probably why his submarine sank.
0:17:21 > 0:17:26I remember years ago, supplying Filofaxes for the Mafia.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I was involved in VERY organised crime.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36I was in France recently, I went up to this little old lady knitting in the town square,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I said, "Voulez-vous crochet avec moi?"
0:17:42 > 0:17:44She took it all the wrong way.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I taught English in Germany.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50I taught them everything beginning with A, beginning with B...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52D-Day was a bit tricky.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Recently, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet and he sent me
0:17:59 > 0:18:02a large goat with a long neck.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05It turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16They said about me I was too immature to be a father.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19When I saw the first few seconds of my son's life,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23I thought to myself, "Mha-ha-ha! He's naked!"
0:18:24 > 0:18:28That's all from me, good night.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:32 > 0:18:37Ladies and gentlemen, Milton Jones!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Talking of children, I took mine to Disney World. They hated it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45They cried, said it was the worst holiday they'd ever had.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Sorry, not Disney World. The other one.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Carpet World.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I'm taking them to Land of Leather next year.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56About now I'd normally introduce our guest to the all-star cast.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59This week it was supposed to be Hugh Hefner. But he couldn't make it -
0:18:59 > 0:19:02apparently he's gone deaf from taking too much Viagra.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I don't know if you heard about this. He didn't.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Apparently, taking Viagra makes you twice as likely to go deaf.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14But bad news for me. I've taken so much I'm going blind as well!
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Don't worry, once again it is time for...
0:19:20 > 0:19:21# You've got the look,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23# You've got the look... #
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Works every time. Yes...
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Yes, you've got the look.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35We asked everyone in our audience before tonight's show
0:19:35 > 0:19:38which famous person, dead or alive, they think they look like.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43And the winner, as judged by Henry and Shane, will star in the trailer for next week's show.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- First up, we have got Tobias John. - Hi, Lee.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- What you do for a living? - Bar manager.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- IMITATES ACCENT:- Bar manager? - Yer.- OK.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Tell me this, right, who do you reckon he looks like?
0:19:57 > 0:20:02- Is it a famous policeman on TV?- Who? - Kojak.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I think an American actor.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Can you give us a clue?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- He's got hair, but I reckon they're wigs.- Yes, I know.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- I know exactly who it is.- I thought it could have been Vin Diesel.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17No, I'm just saying. Don't shout at me!
0:20:17 > 0:20:21- It's the other one, Nic Cage. - Nic Cage.- Am I right?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Let's find out.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Tobias John, who do you think you look like?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27People say I look like Nicolas Cage, yeah.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Let's take a look.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Absolutely.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39Do you use your celebrity looks to mix with Hollywood A-listers?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Not really, I've met a few famous people.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Who have you met?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- I once slapped Prince Harry in the face.- Did what?!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- I once slapped Prince Harry in the face.- Why?
0:20:50 > 0:20:56I was running a bar and it came to cashing up at the end of the night,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59he was there and playing with the till - thought he was funny.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02He said, "That was naughty of me." I said "It's all right."
0:21:02 > 0:21:05He said, "Slap me the face." I said, "No, I'm not doing that!"
0:21:05 > 0:21:07He said, "Do it."
0:21:07 > 0:21:11I thought when do you get to slap royalty in the face?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16That is marvellous!
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Tobias John, Nicolas Cage.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25- Josephine Collins in the room? - Hello!
0:21:25 > 0:21:29- Do we know who Josephine Collins thinks she looks like?- Um...
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Olivia Newton-John. - Do you want a clue?- Give us a clue.
0:21:35 > 0:21:41Oh, yes. Jim Carrey!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Cameron Diaz. - So, who do you think you look like?
0:21:46 > 0:21:50I've been told I look like Cameron Diaz.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Let's have a look.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58You're a happy Diaz. Happy Diaz!
0:21:58 > 0:22:02That's what Geordies called your show in the '70s!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Have you ever met anyone famous? - I used to be cabin crew.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09There was one very famous supermodel,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13she was very demanding, forgot all her pleases and thank-yous.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17When it came to one of the girls giving her a drink,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20we brought it into the galley before we gave it to her.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25One of the guy crew members stirred at it with his member.
0:22:27 > 0:22:33Wow, am I going to remember my thank-yous and pleases!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41I think you'll agree, a great cocktail!
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- Richard Skinner, where are you? - Hello.- What do you do?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I work in a call centre.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54I'm trying to think of a witty response but I have to put you on hold.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57- Who does Richard think he looks like?- Meat loaf.- Definitely not.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Is it an actor?- Yeah. - American?- Yeah.
0:23:00 > 0:23:05Oh, the guy from Lost?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13To be fair, he meant the guy LOOKS lost.
0:23:13 > 0:23:19Also, he's got a little touch of Bill Bailey about him.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- I think I know.- Who?- Jack Black.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- Let's have a look. - He does, doesn't he?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31OK, Henry and Shane, I leave this in your capable hands.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Who'll do the trailer for next week?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Who do you reckon? You're a guest in our country.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39My feeling...
0:23:39 > 0:23:43A great pizzazz for the trailer, I would cast
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Nicolas Cage.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Well done, Tobias John.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You'll see him later on. I'm the host of the show
0:23:51 > 0:23:54but behind every great man is a greater man.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58The guy who does the bookings. That's me, too.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08PHONE RINGS
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Lee Mack's All Star Cast. Ah, Seb Coe!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14You want to be on the show?
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I got your application and I've taken money out of your account.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21But it will be a couple of months to decide.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Don't be too disappointed if you end up with tickets for Jeremy Kyle.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:29 > 0:24:32It's TV's Ulrika Jonsson!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- Stick the kettle on.- I thought we could have something stronger.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Big Brother housemate. This is de vino.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47When I come on the show, would you not talk about Big Brother
0:24:47 > 0:24:49cos that's all everyone talks about.
0:24:49 > 0:24:55We can get rid of any questions you like. "Which ones go, you decide."
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Helg Ulrika...
0:24:56 > 0:25:04HE SPEAKS GOBBLEDEGOOK
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Was that meant to be Swedish?
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Yeah.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Well, the answer's no!
0:25:10 > 0:25:16You just asked me if I wanted to buy a 10ft polar bear wearing a tutu and sombrero.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Take a seat.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27I'm never going to get rid of you.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30So, thanks for coming round.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It's always nice to meet the guest before the show.
0:25:33 > 0:25:39Get to know them a bit, relax them and make them feel welcome. Bloody hell, how many husbands?!
0:25:39 > 0:25:43No wonder you one big brother. Did your ex's vote to keep you in?
0:25:43 > 0:25:47KNOCK AT DOOR
0:25:47 > 0:25:51It's my beloved landlady, Miss Trent.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:25:58 > 0:26:02- You look different. Have you done something with your...face?- Oi!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04When are you going to pay me my rent, eh?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I'll pay the rent when you fix up this flat!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I will send round Henry.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12It's going to take more than a Hoover.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17Ah! I see what you're doing, innit? Come here with all your product placement,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20trying to get yourself one of these vacuum cleaners, Northern boy!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Is that what you're doing?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I wouldn't do that on the BBC!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26I'd be DYSON with death.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I'm talking about Henry the caretaker.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I'll tell you this now, right? You pay up
0:26:32 > 0:26:34or else!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36MUSIC: EastEnders "Doof-doofs"
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I'll pay you the rent when you get rid of that drummer next door.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I'll give you one week to pay up,
0:26:42 > 0:26:47otherwise you'll be out on the streets, where it's a cold and nasty evil place.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Tell me about it.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53DRAMATIC HORROR MUSIC
0:26:53 > 0:26:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Can you believe EastEnders won a BAFTA?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Now...
0:27:08 > 0:27:09What have we got here?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Ooh! Let's talk about Gladiators!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- Come on, what was he like?- Who?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Russell Crowe.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18OK, that was the film, I was in the TV show.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Oh! Oh, I remember now. Didn't you go out with, er, what's-his-name?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Oh, the one with the pointy teeth, the funny hair, the beady eyes.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28What, Wolf?
0:27:28 > 0:27:29No, Sven-Goran Eriksson.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32KNOCK AT DOOR
0:27:35 > 0:27:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:41I'm Henry the caretaker.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46I'm Lee the piss-taker. Is there any reason you look like a reject from the Village People?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Me, I'm just going to nip to the toilet.
0:27:49 > 0:27:53- MIMICS BIG BROTHER NARRATOR:- 10.15pm and Ulrika is going for a wee-wee.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Talking of which, when are you going to fix that toilet?
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I'll check my diary, see when I can do it.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Sunday, Monday... Happy days!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Tuesday, Wednesday...
0:28:06 > 0:28:07Happy days!
0:28:07 > 0:28:12Thursday... Oh, Friday I'm fixing a boiler in Luton.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16APPLAUSE
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Hello, Ulrika. This is Big Brother. How are you finding the toilet task?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Are you filming this?
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Yes, let's have a look at your best bits.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Big Brother house, the votes have been counted. Ulrika,
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Nicolas Cage,
0:28:41 > 0:28:42Cameron Diaz,
0:28:42 > 0:28:46the celebrity housemate the public have decided to evict is...
0:28:48 > 0:28:49..Nicolas Cage
0:28:49 > 0:28:53for slapping the third in line to the throne.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Now listen, you.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Ulrika, you are live on BBC. Please do not swear.
0:29:00 > 0:29:06- Now let's just get something straight, you little- BLEEP.
0:29:06 > 0:29:11- I don't want to keep banging on about Big- BLEEP- Brother, all right?
0:29:11 > 0:29:14- If you think I'm going to come on your- BLEEP- little show
0:29:14 > 0:29:16- to talk about Big- BLEEP- Brother,
0:29:16 > 0:29:18- then you're a complete- BLEEP!
0:29:18 > 0:29:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Don't suppose either of you know an Ulrika Jonsson lookalike, do you?
0:29:38 > 0:29:40That is one fierce arctic beast!
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Not Ulrika, the polar bear.
0:29:43 > 0:29:48It's not just our star guests and studio audience who can be in my All Star Cast,
0:29:48 > 0:29:49it's also you, the viewers at home.
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Yes, it's time for...
0:29:51 > 0:29:56# When will I, will I be famous
0:29:56 > 0:30:01# For 15 seconds? #
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Blimey! He's a funny-looking fellow!
0:30:06 > 0:30:11Yes, Famous For 15 Seconds, where we offer you, the viewers at home, the chance to star.
0:30:11 > 0:30:16You might think the recent glut of talent shows means there's no-one left with any real talent
0:30:16 > 0:30:18and you'd be right, but let's press on anyway.
0:30:18 > 0:30:22First up, our reigning champion from last week, Anna Devitt! Hello, Anna!
0:30:22 > 0:30:23Hello!
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- How are you?- I'm good. How are you, Mr Lee?
0:30:28 > 0:30:32I'm very well. You're mixing me up with your local Chinese restaurant.
0:30:34 > 0:30:38How has your week been since winning? I'm guessing your life has changed.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40It's been so, so good
0:30:40 > 0:30:43and lots of people are asking Truffel out on dates.
0:30:43 > 0:30:44You've been asked out?
0:30:44 > 0:30:45Yeah!
0:30:45 > 0:30:48Did you kill him and splatter the blood on your wall,
0:30:48 > 0:30:49cos that's what it looks like?
0:30:51 > 0:30:54Anna, it's time for your Famous For 15 Seconds.
0:30:54 > 0:30:55OK!
0:30:56 > 0:30:58- LAUGHTER - Oh...
0:30:58 > 0:31:00# You're the one that I want
0:31:00 > 0:31:01# You-ou-ou, honey
0:31:01 > 0:31:04# The one that I want You are the one I want
0:31:04 > 0:31:07# You-ou-ou The one I need
0:31:07 > 0:31:09# Oh, yes, indeed
0:31:09 > 0:31:11# You're the one that I want! #
0:31:11 > 0:31:12Mwah!
0:31:12 > 0:31:14Oh, and a kiss.
0:31:14 > 0:31:15KLAXON BLARES
0:31:15 > 0:31:16And a kiss.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20LAUGHTER Oh!
0:31:20 > 0:31:24- It's Santa Claus!- Ho-ho-ho!
0:31:24 > 0:31:27Is that a relative?
0:31:27 > 0:31:28Who is that gentleman?
0:31:28 > 0:31:32No, it's just a friend of mine, this is Mr Graham.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34Captain who?
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Ladies and gentlemen, Anna Devitt and Graham. Fantastic!
0:31:40 > 0:31:41Let's see the next contender.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44I believe your name is Craig Drew, is that correct?
0:31:44 > 0:31:50Sdrawkcab klat nac I dna retsecuolg morf giarc mi olleh.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55I think you need to have a word with your Internet provider.
0:31:57 > 0:31:58What... What was that?
0:31:58 > 0:32:01It was, "Hello, I'm Craig from Gloucester
0:32:01 > 0:32:02"and I can talk backwards."
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Oh, you said it backwards?
0:32:04 > 0:32:06- Ooh!- We say, "Ooh!"
0:32:06 > 0:32:09We don't know if it was good - we don't know what he said!
0:32:09 > 0:32:11Can you tell us what you're doing, Craig?
0:32:11 > 0:32:13I'll sing a few lines of Summer Holiday backwards.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17OK, Craig Drew, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20HE SINGS BACKWARDS
0:32:33 > 0:32:35KLAXON BLARES I prefer that version!
0:32:37 > 0:32:38Do you know what?
0:32:41 > 0:32:43I can't believe we've been lucky enough to book you
0:32:43 > 0:32:47cos I would have thought you'd have been playing Wembley Arena.
0:32:47 > 0:32:48Can we test that upstairs?
0:32:48 > 0:32:51Can we play it the other way round to see if that actually worked?
0:32:51 > 0:32:56- SLIGHTLY DISTORTED:- # We're all going on a summer holiday
0:32:56 > 0:32:58# No more working for a week or two
0:32:58 > 0:33:03# Fun and laughter on our summer holiday
0:33:03 > 0:33:08# No more worries for me or you. #
0:33:08 > 0:33:11That sounded like Cheryl Cole on the American X Factor.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14Are you impressed with that, Shane?
0:33:14 > 0:33:16HE SEEMS TO SPEAK BACKWARDS
0:33:16 > 0:33:21- Don't know.- That is a marvellous skill.- Live show - got to keep it...live.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25That is a really difficult thing to do.
0:33:25 > 0:33:27I mean, that is impressive.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Listen, the Fonz thinks you're impressive.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31How does that make you feel, Craig?
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Yeah, it's good.
0:33:33 > 0:33:34That excited, eh?
0:33:35 > 0:33:39- How long has it taken you to master that?- I've been doing it since I was small. Just...
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Can I give you some words and see if you can say them backwards?
0:33:42 > 0:33:46- Yeah.- OK, what is Craig... - Giarc.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48- ..has.- Sah.
0:33:48 > 0:33:50..wasted his life.
0:33:50 > 0:33:52LAUGHTER
0:33:54 > 0:33:58Thanks, Craig. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Craig Drew.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Susan Sale. Are you there, Susan?
0:34:01 > 0:34:02Hello.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04- Hello, Susan.- How you doing?
0:34:04 > 0:34:06What are you going to do for us tonight?
0:34:06 > 0:34:07I'm going to sing for you.
0:34:07 > 0:34:12OK, fantastic. Susan Sale, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:34:12 > 0:34:14- RAPS:- # Double, double Toil and trouble
0:34:14 > 0:34:16# Fire burn and cauldron bubble
0:34:16 > 0:34:18# Shift it with the rap attack then you know that
0:34:18 > 0:34:20# 50 Cent, Dr Dre, Eminem, yo
0:34:20 > 0:34:21# Fill it all with bendy snakes
0:34:21 > 0:34:23# In the cauldron, boil and bake
0:34:23 > 0:34:25# Eye of newt and tongue of frog
0:34:25 > 0:34:28# Shakespeare was a rapper as well, Snoop Dogg. #
0:34:28 > 0:34:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:32 > 0:34:35You know your act's in trouble when you're being outshone
0:34:35 > 0:34:38by an inflatable bear and a mutt with glasses.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40So, Henry and Shane, who do you want to crown
0:34:40 > 0:34:43- as this week's Famous For 15 Seconds winner?- Shane?
0:34:43 > 0:34:47- Er, I still think the belly. - I'm with you.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51- I like her whole personality. - I think she's worked at it. - I liked the gestalt.
0:34:51 > 0:34:53She's thought about it and I think there's a future.
0:34:55 > 0:35:00Ladies and gentlemen, she's done it again. It's Anna Devitt - the singing bellybutton.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02APPLAUSE
0:35:02 > 0:35:04Thanks, Anna. You can see Anna next week.
0:35:04 > 0:35:07Let's hear it for all our Famous For 15 Seconds contestants tonight.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10APPLAUSE
0:35:12 > 0:35:18And if you want to be part of the All Start Cast next week go to...
0:35:18 > 0:35:20That's all we've got time for tonight
0:35:20 > 0:35:23so a big thanks to all the members of my cast - Henry Winkler...
0:35:23 > 0:35:25Shane Richie...
0:35:25 > 0:35:26Ulrika Jonsson...
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Milton Jones...
0:35:28 > 0:35:31and, of course, Amanda and our wonderful studio audience.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36Now, with an exclusive performance of Leave Me Out Of It,
0:35:36 > 0:35:38The Feeling and Sophie Ellis-Bextor.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43# Leave me out of it
0:35:45 > 0:35:48# You're alone and that's your thing
0:35:49 > 0:35:52# Maybe that's your thing
0:35:54 > 0:35:57# I don't hear your voice
0:35:57 > 0:36:01# You're alone and that's your choice
0:36:01 > 0:36:04# Baby, that's your choice
0:36:06 > 0:36:09# If I put my name upon it
0:36:09 > 0:36:12# Maybe no-one else will want it
0:36:12 > 0:36:17# Maybe I can keep it to myself
0:36:17 > 0:36:21- # She said- You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:36:21 > 0:36:24# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:36:24 > 0:36:27# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:36:30 > 0:36:33# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:36:33 > 0:36:36# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:36:36 > 0:36:38# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:36:38 > 0:36:39# Coming through your door
0:36:39 > 0:36:41# Soon I'll have you calling out for more
0:36:41 > 0:36:44# Leave me out of it
0:36:44 > 0:36:48# Don't fool yourself cos now you're free
0:36:50 > 0:36:51# You're free
0:36:53 > 0:36:56# Leave me out of it
0:36:56 > 0:37:00# There's a thousand things that you can be
0:37:01 > 0:37:03# Without me
0:37:05 > 0:37:08# If you put your name upon it
0:37:08 > 0:37:12# Maybe no-one else will want it
0:37:12 > 0:37:17- # Maybe you can keep it to yourself - She said
0:37:17 > 0:37:20# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:37:20 > 0:37:24# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:37:24 > 0:37:27# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:37:30 > 0:37:33# You don't know what love is but you need some
0:37:33 > 0:37:36# A crack in your heart that can be undone
0:37:36 > 0:37:38# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:37:38 > 0:37:42# Coming through your door, soon I'll have you calling our for more
0:37:42 > 0:37:45# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:37:45 > 0:37:48# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:37:48 > 0:37:51# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:37:52 > 0:37:54# Oh-oh-oh-oh
0:37:54 > 0:37:56# You don't know what love is but you need some
0:37:56 > 0:38:00# A crack in your heart that can be undone
0:38:00 > 0:38:02# You don't know what love is till you've had mine
0:38:02 > 0:38:05# Coming through your door, soon I'll have you calling out for more
0:38:05 > 0:38:08# Nah nah nah nah-nah-nah
0:38:08 > 0:38:14# Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah-ah Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah-ah
0:38:14 > 0:38:18# Coming through your door, soon I'll have you calling out for more
0:38:18 > 0:38:21- # Nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah-ah - More
0:38:21 > 0:38:22# Nah-nah nah-nah
0:38:22 > 0:38:26- # More - Nah-nah-nah nah-nah-nah-ah
0:38:30 > 0:38:32# Leave me out of it
0:38:32 > 0:38:36# You're alone and that's your thing
0:38:36 > 0:38:40# Maybe that's your thing. #
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:38:43 > 0:38:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:38:46 > 0:38:50Watch Lee Mack's All Star Cast next week when you'll see Alice Cooper,
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Sarah Millican, The Script and stars like me, Nicolas Cage.
0:38:53 > 0:38:56I'll take money for any old rubbish and this show's no different.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Yes, it is. You're not getting paid.
0:38:58 > 0:39:00Oh.