0:00:02 > 0:00:05Welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast, the show that takes ordinary people like me
0:00:05 > 0:00:08and propels them to the level of ordinary people reading out loud!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Job done. Sort of. Roll titles!
0:00:10 > 0:00:12LAUGHTER
0:00:27 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:36# Hip to be square
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# Oh, hip to be square
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# Oh, it's hip to be square
0:00:43 > 0:00:45# Oh, it's hip to be square
0:00:47 > 0:00:49# Oh, hip to be square! #
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Ladies and gentlemen! My house choir, the Gospel Honest Truth!
0:00:55 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:02How do you fit ten choir singers on the back of a mini?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Not my problem, but good luck with tonight's taxi...
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Yes, good evening and welcome to Lee Mack's All Star Cast,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11the show that not only has fantastic celebrity guests,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13but also gives the audience the chance to star.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17In my all-star cast tonight, you'll find her face on bedroom walls across the land,
0:01:17 > 0:01:18It's Katie Price!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:23 > 0:01:25You'll find his phone number on toilet walls throughout the Cardiff area,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27it's Rhod Gilbert!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:30 > 0:01:33We've got stand-up from the brilliant Danny Boy...
0:01:33 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:37 > 0:01:41..and performing their brand new single, it's Scouting For Girls!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:43 > 0:01:48Sadly, there were some people we weren't able to cast for the show this week.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49We couldn't cast Kate Moss.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54She's on her honeymoon, after getting married to lead singer of the Kills, Jamie Hince.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57The wedding was a Class A affair, sorry, classy affair...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:01There he is, looking dashing in powder blue.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03There she is, looking beautiful in powder white.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08At £10,000, the cake was the talk of the reception.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Well, the supermodels kept bringing it up all night.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- LAUGHTER - Come on!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18There were many celebrities there and the presents looked fantastic.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20That's the perk of inviting Snoop Dogg, I suppose.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Well, he's world class "wrapper".
0:02:21 > 0:02:23AUDIENCE GROANS
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Be honest!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Tom Cruise can't be with us tonight.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33He's apparently been having trouble with his snoring.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Did you read about this?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38According to reports, he's built a soundproofed room in his house which has been nicknamed the snoratorium.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42He's done it because he doesn't want to trouble his wife at night.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43We've all heard that rumour.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50Victoria Beckham can't be here as she's about to give birth. She's looking forward to it, saying,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"It's not so much gaining a daughter as it is losing 9lb 6oz."
0:02:55 > 0:02:57It's going to be the fourth caesarian for Victoria.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00What's wrong with the old fashioned way like other celebrities
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and adopting a child from the third world?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Luckily, we have been able to cast you, the studio audience!
0:03:06 > 0:03:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:11 > 0:03:15As ever, I'm looking to cast one of you to join me in my sketch later on.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Tonight I'm after someone to play the part of a great inventor.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22We asked everyone before the show what genius innovations they could come up with.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26For example, I've invented a great way of always getting a seat on the bus.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30I just walk on and go, "Aargh! Ein! STEIN! Argh!"
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Works every time.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Joking.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Me? On a bus?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Let's have a look at our first budding inventor!
0:03:40 > 0:03:42LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:45That is an amazing face.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- What's your name?- Bernie Cook.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48- Bernie Cooke?- Yes.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52If your second name is Cook and your first name is Bernie...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I never thought of that!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56That's like being called Inflammable Fireman.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58There's a cartoon that didn't catch on.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01What's your invention?
0:04:01 > 0:04:06It's an intercommunication device for talking to children who are watching the television.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09You don't know the audience, you might want to simplify.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- It's a box with a hole in it you stick on your head.- Nice.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14How does that work?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Well, it's shaped cunningly like a television set...
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- When you say, "cunningly"... - It looks like a television set.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Not very cunning, that.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Shaping it cunning like a television set, you'd shape it like a squirrel.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:30When you go to call the kids to dinner and they don't come because they're watching the television,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34you sidle in front of the television wearing the communicator,
0:04:34 > 0:04:40and are able to intercept the communication between the children and the television
0:04:40 > 0:04:42and inject your own message, to whit,
0:04:42 > 0:04:43"Your dinner's ready."
0:04:45 > 0:04:50With or without a box on your head, I would be transfixed by you anyway.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Thank you.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53It's not a compliment.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:56- Thanks, Bernie.- Pleasure.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58APPLAUSE
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Right, let's look at someone else.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You've invented an imaginary phone?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Not quite.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08What's your name, madam?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I'm Kelly, I'm from Darwen in Lancashire.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- I was brought up in Darwen. - Really?- Aye.- So was I.- I know, you've already told me that.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Have you invented a deja vu machine? - It's better than that, you'll like it.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20What about a deja vu machine?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Tell me, what's your invention?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- My wonderful invention is... - We'll be the judge of that.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30It is! It is the nose sock.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31- The what?- Nose sock.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- OK.- Basically...- We pretty much know how this is going to work.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39- Does it involve a nose and a sock? - It's designed to fit on your nose to keep your nose warm in winter.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Why should your nose suffer in the cold?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45You've got a good conk on you there, Lee.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50It would benefit a nose sock!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55It would make a good contraception as well.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58People would look at you and go "She's mental, not going near her."
0:05:58 > 0:06:01OK, let's have a look at someone else.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Why do I suddenly feel like I've been naughty?
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Where are you, madam?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I'm here!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11- What's your name?- Jo.- Jo.- Yeah.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13What is your great idea?
0:06:13 > 0:06:18My great idea is to have celebrity faces on toilet roll.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Right.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22You could have celebrities that you like, or possibly dislike.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Why have celebrities you like?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- What do they get out of that? - You could wipe a smile on their faces.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Is that a little tagline for the advert?- It is!
0:06:33 > 0:06:38Thanks very much to all our budding inventors, it's time to make a decision.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I think that we have to pick...
0:06:40 > 0:06:41..Bernie!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Well done, Bernie, we'll see you later.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Should we crack on and meet my guests?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:06:54 > 0:06:57# Move your body higher Higher h-h-higher
0:06:57 > 0:07:01# Move your body higher, higher...#
0:07:01 > 0:07:03APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:03 > 0:07:09My first guest tonight is a woman who is an author, a model, a businesswoman and a TV star.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13She's got fingers in more pies than Chris Moyles at a buffet with no cutlery.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18My second guest is the best thing to happen to Wales since the UN banned harpoons.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Ladies and gentlemen, it's Katie Price and Rhod Gilbert!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:23 > 0:07:26# I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
0:07:26 > 0:07:30# Saying ayo Gotta let go
0:07:30 > 0:07:34# I wanna celebrate and live my life
0:07:34 > 0:07:38# Saying ayo Baby, let's go
0:07:38 > 0:07:42# Ayo-o-o. #
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Hiya.- How are you?- I'm good.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Are we hugging?
0:07:49 > 0:07:50I feel a bit awkward.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51I'll do it, go on.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Ugh, ugh.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I don't do the man-hug.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- No?- I don't like the man-hug.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Why not?- I think it's odd.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Do you?- It's become too... Like the kiss at the end of the text.
0:08:10 > 0:08:11That's too casual now.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Oh, you mean putting a little kiss? - Too much false love.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I thought you meant doing a text and kissing someone next to you.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22This is the sexiest sofa we've had on the series so far.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26Because, obviously, Katie, you are Loaded's cover girl of the decade.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28That was years ago, when I was young.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Yeah, because you are pig ugly now(!)
0:08:30 > 0:08:35- This is going to kill you. - You're pointing at me now! - You know where this is going!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Rhod...- Shut your face.- Listen...
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- Shut your face!- You accept the awards, you get them read out.- I...
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Wales' Sexiest Male 2010.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45AUDIENCE: Woooo!
0:08:45 > 0:08:50Wales' Sexiest Male. Bear in mind, the other contenders where Huw Edwards, Neil Kinnock and Ian Rush.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52LAUGHTER
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I think we have shots of them, actually.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- Huw Edwards, he was up for it. - You joke, he was in the top 50!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- Was he?- He was!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Neil Kinnock.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:05And Ian Rush.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Recognise the body?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10Its not yours!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- It's Leandro, your other half. - Is it?
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- That's his body.- I was looking at the hands and I thought,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21it's not an ex ex, because his hands are too big.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Have you committed him to ink?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I know, I'm sad.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Where have you got the tattoo?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Oh, there.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29I'll bend over.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Aww, looks a bit like "Lee", actually.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Has Leo got a tattoo?- He has.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Where's his?- Same place.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Is it there?!
0:09:39 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Rhod, what about you, are you a tattoo man?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- I do have a tattoo.- Where?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46It's on my shoulder.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I didn't want it, I hate it, it's horrible.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53It's a cushion with a Battenburg on it, on fire.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- How have you got that? - I had that for a programme I do called Work Experience.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I do different jobs, and the thing I did that week
0:10:01 > 0:10:03was be a tattoo artist.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07They said if you do it on someone else, you need to experience what it's like...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09S o I had to try and choose something.
0:10:09 > 0:10:15I had a look through their charts on the wall, couldn't find anything, so I looked in the Argos catalogue.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16You didn't!
0:10:16 > 0:10:21Thought, "What do girls like?" So I ended up with a cushion, on fire to make it look a bit tough...
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- Did it work?- I don't know how the Battenburg came about.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Can I have a look?- Yeah.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- Let's have a look. - How much do I need to take down?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Take it off till we can see the tattoo!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35That's Battenburg for you, it stays fresh.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37LAUGHTER
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I thought you were joking!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Did you think I was joking to this point?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Do you know what the stupid thing is? They made me have one and...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51The stupid thing is, you've got Battenburg on your back!
0:10:51 > 0:10:57I should have had a tiny little one, they just said, "You've got to have one."
0:10:57 > 0:11:02It didn't occur to me not to have something big. Halfway through I wanted him to stop
0:11:02 > 0:11:04but I don't want half a Battenburg!
0:11:04 > 0:11:05You'd be an idiot!
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- Wouldn't you? - Who'd have half a Battenburg?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10It was a very traumatic experience.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Katie, you've brought out your new book.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15That one is out 27th July.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Have you read it?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I did sit down and write it!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- LAUGHTER - Oh, come on!
0:11:21 > 0:11:27You are quite open about the fact that some of you write and some of them....
0:11:27 > 0:11:34- I've got 40 books out, with that one 41, and Christmas's one, Santa Baby...- 41 books?- Yes.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35You know Ghandi wrote one?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Soon I'll have 42 books out.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40What are they about?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43I've been doing them for over 10 years. I've got children's books, pony novels,
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- the autobiographies...- Pony novels? What's a pony novel?- For kids.- Oh.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50And picture books for the younger kids.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Is this one pony?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- This is fiction, this is not one of your autobiographies, is it? - No, that's a novel.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- I'm doing that for the Guinness Book of Records. - What's the record attempt?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04The person I've got to beat is a chess player,
0:12:04 > 0:12:05so only 2,000 people.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09- You've got to beat him at the most amount of signings?- That is genuine.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14All the people who turn up, their names will be in my Christmas novel, Santa Baby.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16What about you, Rhod? Any records you're going for?
0:12:16 > 0:12:21- Apart from being the world's sexiest man in Wales.- Leave it go!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23"Let it go", as we say in England.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24I haven't got a....
0:12:24 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:26 > 0:12:29You look at records, you think some of them look really doable.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I've always wanted to do one.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36Some of them look more doable than others. The world record for eating Ferrero Rocher in one go is five.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- That sounds really...- Five? - You think, "That can't be right."
0:12:39 > 0:12:46There's one with Jaffa Cakes. I can't do it, eat five Jaffa Cakes in a minute.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- That's easy!- It's not. - They sound easy, they're not.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Get five Jaffa Cakes, I'd like to see you do it in a minute.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- A £50 bet.- I'll do five Jaffa Cakes.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- I'll bet you £50. - Go on, shake on it.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- Are you sure it's Jaffa Cakes? - I'm telling you.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Jaffa Cakes.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- Do you want to bet too?- Yeah! - Come on then. There you go.
0:13:05 > 0:13:11- We've done the bet, come on. - Get your money out! - I want 10 Jaffa Cakes, now!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14There is loads written about you, I'm sure loads of it is not true,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- but the craziest thing I've heard... - Tell me, because I hear loads...
0:13:18 > 0:13:24- ..Is that you had silicon breast implants removed...- They're in my drawer.- And they're in your drawer.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- I've got two sets in my drawer. - Is that true?- Yeah.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31- Up until today, I...- I was going to put them on eBay for a million pounds for charity.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34But what idiot would pay a million pounds?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Me?
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Have you been in my drawers?- They're not yours, I got them for £50.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I had never seen silicon implants till today.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Is that...- That is what's in there.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44That's what's in there.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- Have you got any in there now or are they normal? - Course I've got them in there.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- I haven't looked!- Let him feel. - I haven't gone like this. - This is what I feel like.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57- What do you do with the ones at home?- They're in the drawer. They're just there.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59They make nice stress balls.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02They're weird, don't you think? You can punch them and they don't break.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04How did you find that out?!
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Look, nothing.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Don't burst or anything. - Who punched you in the tits?
0:14:10 > 0:14:14- Throw me the other, I feel odd having one.- Sure. Have you got three? You can juggle.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- Are yours bigger than these? - What size are they?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19- Rhod, let it go!- Fascinated!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I am bigger, their a 314.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23What was it before?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25The largest I had was 800.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28500 bigger than this?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Rhod, I've got to stop you. News just in,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34we have the Jaffa Cakes.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:39 > 0:14:43- Look at the water I'm drinking! - Look at how many they've given you!
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Right, boys, right, boys.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Explain the rules.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Five Jaffa Cakes each, so take your five.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Five.- How long on the stop watch? - One minute.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- Whatever tactic...- Five?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Five.- Do I shuffle them? - Let me count.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I could do five tic-tacs in a minute.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01You're telling me I can't eat five in a minute?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05People I've done it with can't eat it! Look at me, backing down.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Countdown from the audience, from five.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11AUDIENCE: Five, four, three, two, one!
0:15:11 > 0:15:15£100! My way. £100.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18My £100 is not coming...
0:15:21 > 0:15:22No water!
0:15:24 > 0:15:25AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Not enjoyable.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Easy! Easy!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- You're not going to do it. - Oh, my God! You are!
0:15:36 > 0:15:37AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:15:37 > 0:15:39He is! It's his last one!
0:15:39 > 0:15:40He hasn't eaten them!
0:15:40 > 0:15:41- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Go on, Lee!
0:15:41 > 0:15:44CHEERING No way!
0:15:46 > 0:15:48KLAXON BLARES
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- MUFFLED:- Absolutely simple!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53He didn't eat all them! LAUGHTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Ugh!
0:15:56 > 0:15:57- MUFFLED:- See? Easy!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- I want my £50, guys, come on. - 50 quid, right.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09- Yeah, you can have it.- I love it when I prove people wrong! I love that! Thank you so much!
0:16:09 > 0:16:14It's nice to see that the best thing we've done all night is choke on a Jaffa Cake.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Tonight we have a fantastic comedian on the show.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19He's just completed a tour of the UK, New Zealand and Australia.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Please welcome the brilliant Danny Bhoy!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# Get up, stand up
0:16:24 > 0:16:27# Stand up for your rights. #
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Thank you.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I just got back from Australia where I went on a wine tour.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I've never been on a wine tour before.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I've been on pub crawls.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39It's not quite the same thing.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42If you get your willy out on a wine tour, nobody laughs.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48And I mean nobody - the whole bus froze, I didn't know what to say.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"I seem to have misread the situation entirely. I'm very sorry.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"Of course I'll take my seat. Calm down."
0:16:53 > 0:16:55People are obsessed by wine nowadays.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I was on the tour with two people from Surrey in England
0:16:58 > 0:17:00and they were wine connoisseurs,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03which I think is French for wankers.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05It was only them two and me on the tour,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08which made the whole willy-out thing more embarrassing.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13And they're obsessed by wine because they're wine connoisseurs.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17People are obsessed by wine - the age of a wine and the region it comes from is very important.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21"Do come round. I've just picked up a cheeky little five-year-old."
0:17:21 > 0:17:24What? Sorry? Can I speak to Mum, Dad?
0:17:26 > 0:17:31"From the Dordogne region." Beer drinkers don't have the same pretentiousness, do they?
0:17:31 > 0:17:35You don't go round to a beer drinker's house and he goes, "I'm glad you're here,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38"I've just cracked open a three-day-old Special Brew...
0:17:38 > 0:17:39"from the Motherwell region."
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Do you think when Jesus turned water into wine,
0:17:42 > 0:17:45do you think there were connoisseurs at that meeting?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49"Bloody good show, Jesus. Well done with the whole trick thing,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"but actually it's white wine with fish,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53"but never mind, you did...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56"You did very well, you did very well."
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I went on this wine tour in Australia
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and there was this very posh couple with me
0:18:01 > 0:18:05and I didn't really get on with them very well, particularly the bloke.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Dressed like a... He had a tweed suit on.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10He looked like a couch, just prodding me every five minutes.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15"What are you doing on my wine tour? What are you doing on my...?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16"Are you poor? You look poor."
0:18:16 > 0:18:23So I was quite... I was fairly nonplussed about the whole thing.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25You can go on a tour of the actual vineyards.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28We're really there for the wine tasting at the end
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and we got to the very first wine tasting and I was sort of here,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34his wife was here and he was there.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And he picks up his wine.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"Oh," he says. "That's marvellous! Absolutely marvellous!
0:18:40 > 0:18:44"Overtones of blueberry and raspberry and strawberry,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"banana, coconut, lime,
0:18:47 > 0:18:51"lemon... Is there lemon? I think there's a lemon."
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I'm thinking, "Has this guy got a smoothie?"
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Then his wife, she picks up hers. She's got the Chardonnay.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04"Very dry, very oaky, very nutty, very almondy."
0:19:04 > 0:19:05HE SNIGGERS
0:19:05 > 0:19:08And we drink that, then it's my turn, right?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I said, "Maybe skip me out, I don't really know what I'm doing here."
0:19:11 > 0:19:16He's very offended. "Don't be ridiculous, monkey boy!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18"Are you poor? You look poor.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22"Just say the essence of what you smell. You smell and you say.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23"It's very instinctive."
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I said, "All right, I'll give it a go."
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- I picked up my wine and I went... - HE INHALES DEEPLY
0:19:29 > 0:19:31"Mmm! Crushed grapes!"
0:19:31 > 0:19:34LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:35And I was right!
0:19:35 > 0:19:39I was the only one that was right. Thank you very much for listening.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Bhoy!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48CHEERING
0:19:48 > 0:19:51It's not just celebrity guests on the sofa tonight.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54There's also a chance for the studio audience to join us. It's time to...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58# Give it away, give it away Give it away now
0:19:58 > 0:20:01# Give it away, give it away Give it away now. #
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Yes, once again we asked everyone in our studio audience
0:20:04 > 0:20:07to bring something to bribe our guests with.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09The winner as judged by Katie and Rhod
0:20:09 > 0:20:13will guarantee themselves a place on the sofa to promote next week's show.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15First up, we have Peter Adams.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17What have you got to offer?
0:20:17 > 0:20:21I am a part-time horse psychologist and I have a session to offer.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Hold that up. What's that in your hand?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26He's obviously already been to the shrink.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28LAUGHTER
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I don't understand why we would want horse psychology.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Surely you normally analyse horses, don't you?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37And that may be of interest to Katie.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40To be honest, you're so stressed, Rhod, it'd be good for you too.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Katie, are you interested in psychology for your horses.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I am cos quite a lot of my horses are naughty and everyone says it's me.
0:20:47 > 0:20:53When you ride... You'd probably know the term, they say I have an electric arse.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55We call it a hot arse, you call it an electric arse,
0:20:55 > 0:20:59but whatever sort of mood you're in will transfer through to the horse.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01How do you turn a sad horse into a happy horse?
0:21:01 > 0:21:07- It depends on why he's sad. - Let's say he's got a wooden leg.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- LAUGHTER - He'd be glue probably!
0:21:10 > 0:21:13You're a great psychologist(!) Is that what you whisper to him?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"You're going to be glue soon."
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Cheers, Peter!
0:21:16 > 0:21:21OK, Franco Chiara Valotti. Where are you?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Here. I come from Argentina.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24I am a Spanish teacher
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- and I came here to offer both some Spanish lessons.- Spanish lessons?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Can you speak Spanish? - I can say, "Como estas?"
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- Bien, y tu?- Muchos gracias.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Dos cola, por favor?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Very good. I speak Spanish too.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39We both speak Spanish.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Do you speak much Spanish?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I've had one Spanish lesson.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44How do you communicate, you and Leo?
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Em, he speaks English now.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Does he speak it well? - He has lessons all the time.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- So it would be good to improve your Spanish?- It's just finding the time.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54- Tell you what, help us out here. - I've got some questions to ask,
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- but in Spanish.- You ask questions in Spanish, Rhod can interpret,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Katie can answer.- Go on then.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03FRANCO SPEAKS SPANISH
0:22:03 > 0:22:07I know what he said. "Do you prefer cups of teas in Argentina than in England?"
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- I prefer them in England. - He didn't say that.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10He does, didn't he?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12No, he said, basically,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14"Do you like a bit of Argentinian meat?"
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Specifically... - Did you really ask that?
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- He's just talking about Argentinian steak, aren't you?- Yes.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25- What sort of Argentinian steak do you like?- I adore Argentinian steak.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It was very tasty when I was out there.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- Thank you very much to Franco. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Martin Lee, where are you? - I'm here.- How are you, Martin?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- I'm good, mate. - And what have you got to offer?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39I'm a pro photographer, so I'm going to offer Jordan...Katie, sorry,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42if she gets married, I'll do you wedding.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- I'm not getting married again. - You sure?
0:22:45 > 0:22:49It's too expensive to get married and more expensive to divorce. Trust me!
0:22:49 > 0:22:53And to be fair, it's... Are you offering it as a free service?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54- INHALES - I don't know about that.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59So your bribe is to turn up professionally and take photos for money?
0:22:59 > 0:23:00- Well...yeah.- Brilliant!
0:23:00 > 0:23:03You haven't thought that through. That's no bribe.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05You're just charging us.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- Are you really not getting married again?- No.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10I'm not. Definitely not.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12It's so expensive. Costs me money to get married
0:23:12 > 0:23:14and it costs me more to divorce.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Also, if he asked you, you wouldn't understand him.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- He speaks English! - You'll say, "Earl Grey, please." - I promise you,
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- You could always go in optimistically and think you might not get divorced.- No.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Honestly, I'm not getting married again. If I did...
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I've contradicted myself. ..it'd be very, have to be someone...
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You're going to get married again?!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- I'm not. At the moment I'm not, no. - Not even with a free photographer?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- No.- Not enough to sway it?- No.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40You've got to make your decision. What's it going to be?
0:23:40 > 0:23:45I'd like the horsy, but cos it's both of us, we'd benefit from the Spanish lessons.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Cos you already speak it, it'd be good to do more.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Me, I can't speak it.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53I think you're right and he's come all the way from...Buenos Aires.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Well done, Franco, we'll see you at the end of the show.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58APPLAUSE
0:23:59 > 0:24:03You may think my life is a series of endless parties, and you'd be right,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06but as well as moonlighting as a children's entertainer,
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I also do all the bookings for this show.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23PHONE RINGS
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Lee Mack's all star cast.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Ah, Daniel Radcliffe.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30What are you going to do for work now that you're unemployed?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33It's ironic, you spend your childhood playing a wizard
0:24:33 > 0:24:36then, as if by magic, career opportunitiesvanish.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Anyway, it's not just you with problems,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41we've now even got dragons roaming round looking for work.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Lee, it's Theo Paphitis.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Lee, it's Theo from Dragon's Den.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I've listened to what you have to say and I've got to tell you,
0:24:59 > 0:25:00I'm out.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Oi!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Are we going to talk about me coming on your show, or what?
0:25:10 > 0:25:11Yeah, sure. Hang on a second.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Next up, it's London based entrepreneur, Theo Paphitis.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24He's looking for 40 minutes of BBC One air time
0:25:24 > 0:25:26in exchange for some witty conversation
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and interesting anecdotes about how filthy rich he is.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35So, you want to come on the show?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40What can you offer us?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I can talk to you about my book - Enter The Dragon,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- it's my autobiography. - What's is about?
0:25:49 > 0:25:50What do you think it's about?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Err, about 2.99?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56It's about me!
0:25:56 > 0:25:57All right, 1.99.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01So, let's assume I've investedmoney in this book.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03What do I get in return?
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Well, you'll learn how I bought a lingerie business for a pound
0:26:06 > 0:26:10and took packets of fags and sold it for 100 million.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12There's money in knickers.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Yeah, I go to those types of clubs too.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Oh, I am a knicker magnet.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19It's a good job you don't sell fridges.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24You learn about other businesses as well.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Like stationary. Some call me the stationary king.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Don't you mean the ruler?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32KNOCK AT DOOR
0:26:34 > 0:26:37It's my beloved landlady, Miss Dent!
0:26:43 > 0:26:44What's with the double knockers?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Are you trying to get a cheap laugh?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48No.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Yes.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Well, I haven't had it for four weeks so can you give it to me now?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I know you mean the rent, but give me a few more seconds.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Huh, I thought that's all it takes you.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Well, I'll give you another week or I'll do what they do on I'm A Celebrity.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Get me out of here?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08No, I'm gonna eat your nuts for lunch.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Hang on, why am I having to pitch to come on your show?
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I've had all the big business men pitching to me. That Virgin fella.
0:27:23 > 0:27:24What, Branson?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26No, Peter Jones.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28He's a big lad for 14, isn't he?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30He'd probably get a girlfriend
0:27:30 > 0:27:33if he stopped letting his mum cut his hair.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Look, am I coming on your poxy show or not?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37OK, Theo, this is where I'm at.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I'll say to you what I said to Deborah Meaden,
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I like you, you've got balls.
0:27:42 > 0:27:43Big balls.
0:27:43 > 0:27:52I would rather stick sharp implements in parts of my anatomy which I hold dear than come on your show.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54I want 0% involvement.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I'm out.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Fine, if you don't want to be on my show
0:27:58 > 0:28:00you won't get to hear about my new business proposition.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Listen, mate, I get propositioned on every street corner.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05Blimey, don't you make enough money?
0:28:06 > 0:28:10- I'm telling you, this could make millions.- Go on then, let's hear it.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12LEE CLAPS
0:28:16 > 0:28:20I've stolen a really good idea.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21Not my face.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Hold on, hold on, I like this. I'm in.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28I'll be in my office if anybody wants me.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41That's left a bad smell in the room. Absorbent stuff.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Let's meet the final members of tonight's cast.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Yes, it's time for...
0:28:46 > 0:28:50# When will I, will I be famous?
0:28:50 > 0:28:54DEEP VOICE # For 15 seconds. #
0:29:00 > 0:29:03First up, our reigning champion, The Rux. How are you, lads?
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Very good thank you, Lee.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Is this Jordan I'm speaking to?
0:29:07 > 0:29:11It is Jordan, but I'm thinking of changing my name to Katy Price.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Right, nice touch.
0:29:13 > 0:29:16Are they underpants or incontinent pants?
0:29:16 > 0:29:17You'll find out now.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Please don't tell me.
0:29:20 > 0:29:21What are you going to do for us, lads.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23This song is called Get It Off.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Well, The Rux, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31# Just get it off, just get it off
0:29:31 > 0:29:34# Just get it off, just get it off
0:29:34 > 0:29:35# What's with the fuss?
0:29:35 > 0:29:36# Just get it off
0:29:36 > 0:29:39# You're very pretty, we discussed
0:29:39 > 0:29:42# Whoa! Stop being such a tease... #
0:29:42 > 0:29:44BUZZER
0:29:47 > 0:29:49Katie, Rhod, what are we thinking?
0:29:49 > 0:29:51You don't want to know, mate.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- They sound like they're from near where I'm from. - Where are you from, guys?
0:29:56 > 0:29:58We're from Swansea.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01I'm about 15 miles away. Very proud, boys, very proud.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03- Yeah, very proud. - Thank you very much.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05We wore the Welsh colours for you.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Very nice touch. Just to let you know,
0:30:07 > 0:30:10you're looking at the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth
0:30:10 > 0:30:11sexiest men in Wales.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Thanks a lot Jordan and The Rux.
0:30:16 > 0:30:17Thank you.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21OK, Rudy Barrow. Are we there, Rudy?
0:30:23 > 0:30:25- Hello.- What's that moving behind you?
0:30:25 > 0:30:28- Moving?- There's something moving behind you.
0:30:28 > 0:30:31- That's the fish.- Oh, right. Scared the life out of me.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32What's your fish called?
0:30:32 > 0:30:35It hasn't got a name.
0:30:35 > 0:30:36You haven't got a name for your fish?
0:30:36 > 0:30:40- How does he know to look at you when you're talking?- He's a fish.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44There's something else moving. One of the fish is escaping!
0:30:44 > 0:30:45In a dress.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48There's a human being behind you or am I going mad?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50That's my girlfriend.
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Has she got a name?
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- Dolcie.- Dolcie. Right.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57Does she live behind the banister?
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Hello, Dolcie.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Rudy, what are you going to do for us?
0:31:01 > 0:31:02I'm going to sing you a song.
0:31:02 > 0:31:07Oh, beautiful. Rudy Barrow, this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23BADLY OUT OF TUNE: # You're once...
0:31:23 > 0:31:25KLAXON
0:31:25 > 0:31:26APPLAUSE
0:31:26 > 0:31:29LEE LAUGHS
0:31:32 > 0:31:38Ever get the feeling some people don't FULLY understand the format?
0:31:38 > 0:31:41He's the only singer I've seen who hasn't bothered standing up.
0:31:41 > 0:31:42LAUGHTER
0:31:42 > 0:31:47I've never seen a singer just perform from a desk chair before!
0:31:47 > 0:31:52Ladies and gentlemen, Rudy and his 15 seconds of fame. Thanks, Rudy!
0:31:55 > 0:31:57"Lilak" Chen...? Have we got you there, Lilak?
0:31:57 > 0:32:01- Lilach. I know it's weird.- Lilachh! You don't want me doing that tonight
0:32:01 > 0:32:03with the Jaffa Cakes I'VE got in me throat.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07- What are you going to do for us tonight?- I'm going to finger-dance.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Don't say anything...
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- Don't say it? OK.- Don't say it.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Lilach Chen - this is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16OK...
0:32:17 > 0:32:19MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run-DMC
0:32:29 > 0:32:31KLAXON
0:32:31 > 0:32:34- APPLAUSE - Lilach Chen there!
0:32:37 > 0:32:41- That's good, isn't it? Pretty impressive.- I liked that. Different.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45I'd give you a bit of advice, your fingers are like Take That -
0:32:45 > 0:32:48I like the four of them, but I'd lose the little fat one.
0:32:48 > 0:32:49AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Lilach Chen. Let's hear it for Lilach.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57OK, Hank...Osasuna?
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Yes.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03- Is that your collection of teddy bears?- Only some of them.
0:33:03 > 0:33:07- How many have you got? - About a thousand.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Very slowly... What's in the cupboard?
0:33:09 > 0:33:12LAUGHTER
0:33:12 > 0:33:14If that's what he's PREPARED to show us,
0:33:14 > 0:33:17God knows what's behind those doors!
0:33:17 > 0:33:18What are you going to do for us?
0:33:18 > 0:33:22I'm going to do an impression of an old blues man.
0:33:22 > 0:33:23OK. Which blues man?
0:33:23 > 0:33:26It's me - pretending to be an old blues man.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29LAUGHTER
0:33:30 > 0:33:31At least he's explained it...
0:33:31 > 0:33:34I was wondering what you meant by "impression".
0:33:34 > 0:33:36LAUGHTER
0:33:36 > 0:33:37OK. This is your 15 seconds of fame.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41UNINTELLIGIBLE "BLUES SINGING"
0:33:42 > 0:33:43LAUGHTER
0:33:48 > 0:33:50Heh-heh-hehhh!
0:33:50 > 0:33:51Yeah!
0:33:51 > 0:33:53KLAXON
0:33:53 > 0:33:55WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:57 > 0:33:58Katie - first impressions.
0:33:58 > 0:34:02Well, I wasn't expecting that, put it that way...
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Not many of us were. Rhod?
0:34:04 > 0:34:06- Where did you first realise that you could do that? - LAUGHTER
0:34:07 > 0:34:10I was in Tesco's.
0:34:10 > 0:34:11Tesco's!
0:34:11 > 0:34:15Hank, that was your 15 seconds of fame. Thank you very much.
0:34:15 > 0:34:16Who are we going to have?
0:34:16 > 0:34:22I would say the er...the breakdancer. Only because she actually did her 15 minutes and not just once.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26That was 15 MINUTES(?) I must have had a blackout halfway through that!
0:34:26 > 0:34:27- 15 seconds!- She did her 15 seconds.
0:34:27 > 0:34:33I'm going to go with the fella... I just think he's really cool, the way he just sits in an office chair.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37- It's a split decision - I'm going to make the decision for you.- Go on.
0:34:37 > 0:34:39It's going to have to be Rudy.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43Ladies and gentlemen - it's Rudy, and his 15 seconds of fame!
0:34:43 > 0:34:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:34:46 > 0:34:48- Will you come back and join us next week?- I will indeed!
0:34:48 > 0:34:51When you have a name for all your goldfish,
0:34:51 > 0:34:53let your girlfriend out from under the stairs.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56LAUGHTER She's over there. Come 'ere...
0:34:56 > 0:34:59Yeah, let me prove you're real cos she sounds imaginary.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02- Where is she?- Hello. - Hello there, how are you doing?
0:35:02 > 0:35:05- I'm fine, thank you.- Is that Mickey Mouse on your T-shirt?
0:35:05 > 0:35:08- Yes.- See - that mouse has got a name, do the same for the fish!
0:35:08 > 0:35:10LAUGHTER
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Right, we'll see you next week, Rudy!
0:35:12 > 0:35:15He's the champion of 15 Seconds of Fame!
0:35:15 > 0:35:17See you, Rudy.
0:35:17 > 0:35:24And if you want to take part in the All Star Cast next week, go to:
0:35:24 > 0:35:27That's it for tonight, so big thanks to all the members of my cast -
0:35:27 > 0:35:29- Katie Price... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:35:29 > 0:35:30Rhod Gilbert...
0:35:30 > 0:35:34Theo Paphitis... Danny Bhoy...
0:35:34 > 0:35:40And of course Bernie - and our wonderful studio audience.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43Playing us out with their new single Love How It Hurts, it's Scouting For Girls!
0:35:43 > 0:35:45CHEERING, APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
0:35:46 > 0:35:49# I've been waiting
0:35:49 > 0:35:50# All my life
0:35:50 > 0:35:54# For someone like you to come mess with my mind
0:35:55 > 0:35:57# Someone crazy
0:35:57 > 0:35:59# Someone who
0:35:59 > 0:36:03# Someone who'll love me the way I loved you
0:36:04 > 0:36:05# I keep searching
0:36:05 > 0:36:07# And what's worse
0:36:07 > 0:36:12# Now that you're gone all that's left is the hurt
0:36:12 > 0:36:14# And three little words
0:36:14 > 0:36:16# It's all that I've got
0:36:16 > 0:36:18# Three little words
0:36:18 > 0:36:20# Like it or not
0:36:20 > 0:36:25# Tell me you noticed Tell me you heard
0:36:25 > 0:36:29# For you I'd have run to the ends of the earth
0:36:29 > 0:36:34# I couldn't keep you But I'll keep my word
0:36:34 > 0:36:38# It's the most beautiful pain in the world
0:36:38 > 0:36:40# I love how it hurts
0:36:40 > 0:36:43# I've been trying
0:36:43 > 0:36:45# Since you left
0:36:45 > 0:36:49# Trying to fix all the bits that you wrecked
0:36:49 > 0:36:51# I'm just waiting
0:36:52 > 0:36:54# Till it mends
0:36:54 > 0:36:57# Then I'll let you break it again and again
0:36:57 > 0:37:00# And three little words
0:37:00 > 0:37:02# It's all that I've got
0:37:02 > 0:37:04# Three little words
0:37:04 > 0:37:07# Like it or not
0:37:07 > 0:37:11# Tell me you noticed Tell me you heard
0:37:11 > 0:37:15# For you I'd have run to the ends of the earth
0:37:15 > 0:37:20# I couldn't keep you But I'll keep my word
0:37:20 > 0:37:24# It's the most beautiful pain in the world
0:37:24 > 0:37:26# And I love how it hurts
0:37:26 > 0:37:28# I've been losing my mind
0:37:28 > 0:37:30# I pretend that it's fine
0:37:30 > 0:37:35# Trying to keep it together while I crumble inside
0:37:35 > 0:37:39# You got a friend at the end of the line...
0:37:46 > 0:37:51# Well, give me a moment Give me a chance
0:37:51 > 0:37:55# Give me the hurt I know we can last
0:37:55 > 0:38:00# Give me a moment Give me a chance
0:38:00 > 0:38:03# Give me the hurt I know we can last
0:38:03 > 0:38:08# Tell me you noticed Tell me you heard
0:38:08 > 0:38:13# For you I'd have run to the ends of the earth
0:38:13 > 0:38:17# I couldn't keep you But I'll keep my word
0:38:17 > 0:38:21# It's the most beautiful pain in the world
0:38:21 > 0:38:24# And I love how it hurts
0:38:24 > 0:38:26# I love how it hurts
0:38:26 > 0:38:28# I love how it hurts
0:38:28 > 0:38:30# I love how it hurts
0:38:30 > 0:38:32# I love how it hurts
0:38:32 > 0:38:35# I love how it hurts
0:38:35 > 0:38:37# I love how it hurts
0:38:37 > 0:38:39# I love how it hurts
0:38:39 > 0:38:41# This is my journey
0:38:41 > 0:38:44# This ain't the end
0:38:44 > 0:38:48# I'm waiting here till I see you again. #
0:38:50 > 0:38:53APPLAUSE, CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:38:54 > 0:38:57On next week's show we've got Joan Collins and Ross Noble.
0:38:57 > 0:38:58Take it away, Franco!
0:38:58 > 0:39:02HE SPEAKS SPANISH
0:39:02 > 0:39:05- Katie, you speak Spanish - what did he say?- He wants a cuppa.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Tea. LAUGHTER
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd